Home Alone

If anyone has discovered the cure for the weekday blues, I would love you to send it my way. Seriously.  I assume there is a blue-print or something out there that I haven't discovered yet to help a girl out. So far my cures include: coffee (and lots of it), pop music (and lots of it) and ginger (i absolutely adore the taste of ginger. But these only keep the blues at bay temporarily. Because honestly the last few weeks have been hitting me hard, harder than I expected,  which is such a letdown seeing I had high hopes for December.

Yesterday my boss called me into this office to go over my year end review. and needless to say I was pretty nervous.  9 months later and the man still terrifies me a bit. I get this sense that he does not likes me very much. He has a way of talking at me instead of to me and recently i found out I am the only one in the office who does not have business cards. I honestly could care less about having them but it seems weird to exclude one person,  even if that someone is just the 'receptionist.

Regardless, I am a kick-ass 'receptionist', 'customer service rep' 'typer of emails' and this cannot be denied. Despite how many times Patricia continues to throw me under the bus, I am good at my job. I don't particularly like my job, but I am good at it.

Of course, he really just called me into his office to give me my last performance review of the year. I knew this was coming, I've had two so far, followed by two raises so I was a little relieved and also very anxious about getting a raise. I was surprised by the Holiday bonus he said I'd be getting in addition to my raise.

A bonus?A holiday related one? Why does one get a holiday bonus? Do I have to, like, work more hours for it?  Nope. It's just extra cash for, idk, surviving the holidays... which so far has been the less stressful holiday season yet. Working is a battlefield...everything else is a walk in the park. While I can't explain why I have been given extra money for doing little work,  I will not complain. I would have worked in an office much sooner if I knew about this holiday bonus thing!

Today I checked my bank account three times just to make sure my boss didn't decide to take back the bonus at the last moment. He has yet to do so. I am a very very happy woman today. 

The bonus will definitely help me out this year seeing that I went a little overboard with presents. I gave my self a reasonable budget and then blew threw it in a day. A whole day. Last year I could barely afford rent and I had little to no money to buy anyone anything so obviously i am compensating for last yeas fall through. I was also not in a really good place mentally or emotionally and  spent the bulk of December feeling like a loveless failure so maybe my initial Christmas cheer and enthusiasm had something to do with not wanting to repeat how I felt last year.

While I am in a much better place this year, those feelings still linger for some reason. The feeling of restlessness, loneliness and maybe even despair but on the smallest of scales.  l I don't think I suffer from any type of seasonal depression but there is a definite trend in my mood around this time. I love the holidays, I am full of Christmas cheer but that feeling is fleeting and is replaced by melancholy.  I feel so overwhelmed these days and there is no reason that I can discern why. I both want and do not want things. I am full of ambivalence: torn between two opposing courses of action.


I am trying to curb this melancholy feeling.  However hard it is to do. Kat and I have suspended all of our Holiday activities since our spat and I am a little relieved and also sad about this because I am partially at fault. Maybe fully, but to feel less bad I wont take the full weight of this argument. I told her how I felt on Monday, not about the car, but that I felt smothered by her and that there will be days and moments that I need space. She said ok and  hasn't talked to me since. I feel like she is washing her hands of me, as so many people do. But I won't take back being honest with  her, so that I can hang on to my own identity.I am so desperate and in need of my own identity and life.  I just hope wanting this for myself, I am not alienating my friend.

With my schedule now open as hell my aunt has big big plans for me. She wants me to spend Christmas eve and day with her and my cousin, bake cookies, make breakfast and entertain the house with my Christmas spirit. I am beginning to feel like a house elf. I don't have the heart to tell my aunt that I'd rather spend Christmas by myself because despite how poor i was last year...I had a helluva time cooking dinner and watching Harry Potter in PJ pajamas. This is not to say I have not liked spending the holidays with my aunt. But I mainly enjoyed spending time at her house because of my baby cousin, who is know a pre-teen. And she has little to no use for us anymore now that she is older.

I worry that spending the holidays alone might be the ultimate depressive sad thing to do.  BUT I also know that I tend to have a really good time alone, Who am i kidding, sometimes my alone time  is splendid and for Christmas and I liken myself to Kevin from Home Alone. There is something very enticing about spending at least Christmas Eve or day by myself.  I want to make a pot roast, and watch Home Alone (obviously) and open presents and dance. Sure, like Kevin I will eventually come to realize it's better to experience all the joys of the holiday season brings with family and friends. But at the moment thought of a relaxing  makes me very happy dispute how simple and diminutive it is.