Exceptions to the Rule.

This morning I woke up super late and had to rush my shower and breakfast.

I feel bloated and gross so I destroyed my apartment trying to find something to wear only to settle on a shirt that I will indeed sweat in during the day. 

When I got to work, I misjudged a turn in the parking lot and scratched my car on a big white pillar. There is now this awful scratch on the passenger side which i'm sure I can wash out but  I am just so annoyed. This is the second minor accident i've had that has involved myself and something other than another vehicle.

Of course I blame my frazzled morning to my shenanigans with Matt these past three days. Per his request we spent Sunday  having our "serious" conversation. He told me that he cares about me and doesn't want to see me hurt in anyway. He likes who I am and is happy that we have been able to reconnect and have this "friendship". He called me his best friend which was a little unnerving since I don't generally have friendships like this with a boy. Or anyone.

And then we spent the next 7 hours talking about our favorite topic...sex and intimacy. Because letting your friend know how well  you are at oral sex is super normal. Right? I don't think Matt knows what he wants if I can be honest. It is obvious that we get along and have a bond and are attracted to archetypes of each other. But he seems very hesitant to pursue anything further than that. He'll say something that will make me think he wants to try "us" out only to follow it up with a comment like "i don't really date short girls" or "i just don't think women find me interesting". I will of course follow that up with a "I find you interesting" "what's wrong with a short girl" comment which is met with silence and a deflection some how.

On Monday we got in this insane argument because I called him out on his "dating rules". He seems determined to push women away because of his many insecurities bubbling at the surface. And of course because I am interested in hooking up with this boy, it can be a little disheartening for him to tell me he doesn't know if he'll ever find someone....as we have these incredibly intimate and nice moments of companionship. And outside of his dumb "i don't generally date short girl' comments I can't imagine the boy isn't attracted to me based on all the other attributes he said he is attracted to.

But he is holding me at a distance. His arms are stretched and his hand is on my chest figuratively, keeping me at bay. And I don't understand why. So I asked him on Monday what his deal was. I asked him what he wanted (not from me) but just in general. And he gave me a vague list of shitty answers:

"My preferences for who i want to date are much flexible, mostly because i can't figure out why i like or want what i like" 

"My rules only touch the world of sex and dating when I have to weigh them against potential work/life conflicts"

 He stressed that if he has reservations about a girl he is interested in, he has to make sure she was worth making an exception for. He annoyingly brought up a work example from our bookstore days. He doesn't date co-workers (as a rule) but he was interested in this super attractive girl who worked there for maybe a month. He said he would have made an exception for her because he was physically and emotionally attached to her.

He followed this shit example with another shit example. There was a girl at work who was interested in him and she asked him if he ever thought about dating her. And he told her she was too short and he never considered dating her because of that alone. Fucking Hell! Of course I was a little perplexed by his example only because it seemed like a cop-out. The other girl only worked there a month, so how could he develop this intense emotional and physical attraction so quickly to make an exception for her while totally shooting down the other girl based on....height.

I told him i think his rules are stupid (because I was annoyed at this point)  and that attraction and lust and liking someone shouldn't be as mechanical as going down a checklist and choosing what you are willing to put up with and aren't. And then I ignored him the rest of the night where he failed miserably to try and explain himself.

The next morning (Tuesday) I finally answered him and said that his mixed signals could make a girl go from liking him to being exhausted in her pursuit of him ( i was obviously talking about myself) and he apologized and said men generally don't know what they want and are just scared and say and do dumb stuff all the time. He then admitted that he's a dumb male, who says stupid shit all the time and never knows what he wants because he's scared.

And I understand this. I really really do. But i also feel incredibly confused now. Either a) Matt only likes me as a friend and maybe this is how he behaves and acts with all of his female friends and I have been reading the signs wrong or b) he likes me but I am not an exception to his rule. And for some reason that hurts more. That makes me feel insecure and like I am in some weird bidding war for his attention and honestly after the Sean fiasco I refuse to try to win someone over. And I told hm this in my very passive aggressive way. I told him that if a dude likes a girl, there shouldn't be this "weighing the options" period. Both should be adult enough to process and act on their feelings and emotions and attraction and move on from there. And he agreed but said he was scared.

And that is where we left off.

Tomorrow he leaves for Austin, Texas and I won't see him again for two weeks. We text daily and he stressed that he still wanted to hear from me on the regular but I kind of need a break from Matt. I kind of want him to know what a Beckett-less life feels like these days, since i've taken up so much of his time these last few months. I like this boy a lot but I am always going to protect my heart. It's all i have and I hope that it is the best part of who I am. But i am unwilling to convince anyone that I am good enough. I know what I offer and I shouldn't have to wait for a guy, even this one, to figure this out for himself.

I just can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore.