Fairy Tales

My eyes hurt from my new glasses.

I had to wait until yesterday to receive my glasses in the mail with stronger prescriptions.

So the whole day I have been stumbling across the campus because my eyes are getting adjusted to my non Harry potter glasses, but until then I have a massive migrane and am heading to the bed after Spanish homework and my last attempt at finishing the first volume of Pride and Prejudice.

I intended to write about the concept of fairy tales(one of my favorites being Princess and the Pea ) after Katherine's recent news that she is leaving her husband( for good), and moving to the one of the family housing on campus. But my head hurts to much.

It's sort of shocking, b/c she has been text messaging me all week, about what a crappy week she has had, due to "crazy husband" who apparently screens her calls and other psycho things. CREEPY.

I guess that's what really scares me about marriage, and my negative attitudes towards it, because none of the men or women in my family has remained in a truly stable relationship.

I have only known the concept of a broken home, that when things just can't work out anymore, you run. Why try to fix whats broken.

But I don't believe that, but it's also what draws my pessimistic attitude towards the subject.

It's really why I dislike marriage so much because I assume that eventually things will turn sour, and I will do what I have always known to do...Run away, and repeat the cycle like all the women in my family have. I couldn't imagine see a relationship, which would later result in a marriage, fall apart in front of my eyes. I mean not the kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I mean if I was married and I just saw the growing distance between us grow further.

I liked to believe there was a happily ever after, that the prince got his princess and all was right with the world.

But that's just not the case. When life steps in and gives you no choice but to choose between the fallacy of "Happily Ever After" or the reality that relationships take work, and compromise, and a consensus between the two that you together will make this work.

We are learning in psych the Intimacy vs. Isolation stage that we all will go through in our 20's, 30's, and 40's. And though Katherine is older than me, and has been through more stuff than I could have even read about, she relates to every other person who is stuck in that stage. Of you wanting a relationship, of wanting it to work, that "love can conquer all".

Maybe we all have a fear of being alone. That are inabilities to sustain a relationship is in relation to our character. So we try to make relationships that aren't healthy work, because then at least we won't feel responsible for it's downfall. It won't feel like we have abandoned ship, or worse be abandoneded.

To me a broken marriage is like the abandoned building. The death of a dream, boarded up windows and broken glass. But sometimes those things just can't be repaired ,and the best thing to do is destroy it before you get to attached to it just standing there.

Of course she called me and asked me if I thought this was a good decision. And I don't know. I mean hell yeah I would leave, but I think the real thing with Intimacy vs. Isolation is that we have to define what sort of intimacy we want out of relationships.

Hell I don't even know what I want out of a relationship, whether it be a sort of best friend, a supporter, a person who keeps the sparks flowing, who is spontaneous, or maybe I want someone who inspires me, who I inspire. Maybe if we pinpoint what we want out of intimacy then the isolation won't feel so lonely and we won't have to settle.

So I told her she has to make the choice that makes her happy. Maybe Happily Ever After implies, not that it will be some fairy tale ending, but that the choice you make was yours alone, and the actions following that choice, though it will be bumpy sometimes, is one you can live comfortably with for the rest of your life.Even if it doesn't involve the Happily Ever After you dreamed of.

And stupid ol' me, agreed to help her move. Whenever that is. I hope crazy husband isn't over there when that happens. Some how this whole relationship is making me feel like the little girl who watched my mom and dad's disintergrating marriage, when I was three. It's that whole feeling of helplessness again, and pretending not to be scared when I really was.

Happily Ever After huh?

Maybe I just would want someone who inspires that a Happily Ever After can exist, in it's unconventional sense.

I want a Kilroy (greatest character in a book. EVER. I'll have to explain him later)

I want someone to remind me there are possibilities that make life worth living, beyond love.

Cause the last thing I want to do is have no other choice but to give up on the dream of Happily Ever After, I want it to be defined for me, and him, and are imaginary family.

I just don't think I could pick up and leave anymore, which is probably why I regret saying I would help her move. I've seen and done to many of those in one lifetime.

Now to sleep. My eyes and head hurt. Oh...and if you did not catch Grey's Anatomy this Sunday they are showing it again...tonight. It was the best episode ever, people blowing up, Dr. McDreamy, George...Oh George. I hate how much i love this show.

Finding my Voice...

I did not get a heart shaped box yesterday. I did not got proposed to, or flowers waiting for me as I exited my room. I did get a flower from some club, and a few bump in's with a certain crush...But more than anything this Valentine I got a frog. OH YEAH.

Recently due to my favorite show in the whole entire world, I have been loving the concepts of frogs. The whole idea of transitions, of a new phase, of emerging into something new, or really of just evolving into the person you have become through the years.

Of course this frog gift was given to me by mother, in the box she made my promise I wouldn't open. And to my surprise, after her telling me she couldn't find any frog necklaces, stuck in the bottom of the box was the thing I have been wanting for months.

And while the rest of the girls went all lovey dovey over their boyfriends for giving them flowers, and candy. I got something that only those who know me, would get me. Best gift ever. A necklace of a leaping frog. I guess leaping into the future, away from the past.

I have been thinking a lot (understatement) about my boundaries and how I am establishing them. I guess what I learned from being so frustrated, okay lets admit it, mad about the douches in my pre-med club, was because in some way I felt like I was being attacked.

I kind of don't like being on the defense, as long as I can remember since moving I have been made to prove myself and who I am to the world. It's the most frustrating thing to feel like you have to prove yourself to people when I haven't even proved it to yourself first.

I'm pretty good at putting my cards on the table. Once you get to know me I don't try to make excuses for...I guess my faults. As in not being much of a talker, and my awesome ability of hiding in the background. But I do feel like I am a good person, and a good friend. I give my all to those that I am close with, because I feel comfortable with them in knowing that in knowing that I am not much of a talker, they help me realize that I need to speak up more. But they don't do it in a way that makes me feel bad.

As I mentioned, or maybe have not mentioned, I am learning that my boundaries don't consist on how they function for me, but how they function to the people around me. It's weird, because I like being young and people commenting on my youth( I fooled a lady at IHop who thought I was younger than 19), but then there are some times when I feel like I don't need to be talked to like a child. Which is what they did. Which is what I encounter a lot. I guess the line in the sand has not be defined yet because I have not drawn it.

I had massive a crush on my Speech teacher. He was absolutely gorgeous, he had a flock of teen groupies, who came to his class everyday. He was the Tuxedo mask to my Serena(Sailor Moon). The Jordan Catalano to my Angela Chase(My So Called Life). The Art Boy to well Me. He was one of those artsy farsty type. He taught The Scarlet Letter from the last chapter to the first( I think it was that book), he was a Drama teacher putting on controversial plays, he was like a rebel in our school, because he dared to push past what was safe. And took a risk with me.

I was in his speech class, and would literally not speak unless I had to. He begged to me to speak, bribed me, just wanted me to say something. And I still wouldn't talk. And my admiration and hots for him turned to pretending not to like him. I have a history of doing that. But later on, once I got use to the idea of giving speeches, I became really good at them. So much that he asked me to be apart of his speech team. After asking Marie(who was already apart of the team) to recruit me. I did one competitions, and found out that I didn't like competing at things that I really didn't like doing.

So after my one speech competition and him telling me I had potential, I crushingly had to tell him that I didn't want to be a part of it. Which ended up in the most awkward high school experience ever. I really did like him, and surprisingly he saw the potential in me, and yet I didn't see it in myself. I let the fear of being seen take over me, and I walked up those stairs feeling the weight of the situation, and told him after school that I couldn't be apart of the club anymore(my great running away skills). He took it pretty well, seeing that one of his groupies had already told him, and he was just waiting for me. He told that I had a great voice, if I just let those around me see it. And that I had great potential, and that if I ever changed my mind, the door was always open. Sweet huh

And in turn I said "no, that's okay, but thanks". Not so sweet. Till this day I regret those words. And for the next three years in high school, it was the awkward "hello Beckett" and then me mumbling incoherently while rushing to my class. Before I graduated I wanted to write him a thank you letter. He was not just the older cute English teacher I had a crush on, he was the teacher who had taught me how to speak. But I have to find it within myself to use that.

I look back on the girl I was in high school, and middle school and I see so much growth from me. Which is probably why I get the most offended or feel attacked when my strides at evolving into a more confidant girl is questioned. In a way they are right(though they totally could have taken another approach), and I thought back to the meeting with the speech teacher. I have potential, I have all the pieces, and there are doors open, people who are willing to embrace if I let them. If instead of saying "no, that's okay, but thanks", I said "sure, thanks for taking the risk with me".

Cause I am a risk. There are layers you have to get past first, until you find the core. I haven't even found the core yet, I haven't even reached the place where I can begin to say I know "who" I am, but I am happy with the steps I am taking. That I can look back, and honestly say I am not that girl anymore. Sure I'm kind of that girl, and bad days are still bad days, but I'm feeling a little stronger. I'm feeling like all is possible, like I am heading in the right direction.

Wearing my frog necklace, I feel like I have a whole new sense of myself, and my emerging role in life. I'm a girl with potential who is at cusp of something big. I am the leaping frog. Into a future that is looking brighter with each step. As long as I make that leap that is, as long as I am willing to see the potential, as others do, and welcoming the future that lies before me.

Now back to reading Pride and Prejudice. I feel asleep attempting to read it last night, and am about to opt for Spark Notes for the quiz I have on Friday. I have to finish Volume 1 before Friday, and it's 6 o'clock now. Not looking to good. It's not that the book is boring, just that I rather watch the movie. Wasn't Colin Firth in it. Or maybe that was another British movie. Who knows.

I am just not into reading another love story. Especially now with my uber crush on British Boy( I really don't remember his name, so I have to use nickname for now). I have been to two of his meetings, and am being dragged to this thing Saturday(at 5:30 in the morning) and it's just something about him. Like he doesn't make me nervous, he's so like refined and...BRITISH. And I haven't made a complete fool of myself in front of him, which is always a good thing. Though i do hope he grows to like me Like Mr. Darcy grows to like Elizabeth. I have said more than two words to him, which is always shocking and good. So I don't know, he's so cute. Anyway.

One more thing. My Valentine's day was really great. I wasn't, surprisingly, bitter about not having someone to share it with. I had my frog necklace, candy, and the right attitude. For me, I focused more on how beautiful life is, and how happy I am to be alive, and being apart of it all...And then I saw the best SIGHT EVER.

There is this weird girl in my dorm. She is so awkward, and not in the "oh she's quirky". She giggles down the street, and has conversations with herself, and I thinked skipped once for no reason. I don't know if she is just eccentric or if there should be a sign on her that says "stay far far away" Generally I am interested in the weird girls. And I am nice and smile to her when I see her. But yesterday as I was heading to class, i noticed that she was dressed was like a Hooker.

I mean seriously.

I guess she was trying to snag a date or something. But if anyone has seen the "Turn the Page" song by Metallica, and the hooker in that video, she was dressed just like that. In public.For real. She was wearing these hoop earrings. With these white boats, and short jean acid washed skirt, and a jean jacket. It was trainwreck. So as I am walking behind her Art boy and some other kid comes walking down the sidewalk. As soon as she sees the other kid she was all "hey how you doing" in her" and does this awkward, pushes chest out to him thing. He looked so confused and looked at me, like i knew what was going on. She had on her "I want to get lucky voice" as she said it , i tried to contain my laughter. Luckily as she said that to Other boy, Art boy passed by. I couldn't stop laughing, once I returned to my room. What girls will do to get a date on VDay.

Looking like a hooker isn't one of them for me.

Saratoga Rain Again

Sorry i took it down, i was going to replace it with another post, but i fell asleep mid American Idol. So here's Saratoga Rain...Again. I'll leave it up this time. It's a really great short story. (new post after my subway sanwich)

Saratoga Rain

The wind blew . Rain swept over the roof. Upstairs the man and the women lay close together. He held her in his arms, drowsily, sleepily, head half buried in the covers, the sent of bodies between them. The rain came down.

She said "Ben, i love you." To her thirty years of muddy yesterdays were as yesterday.

He said, "I like you to babe." And all the dice and the tables from Reno to Saratoga were forgotten.

It was early morning. The rain came down. They didin't care. They were together in the darkened room, heads hald buried in the covers. They had each other. They didn't remember now the many cliffs they had to climb nor the lurking tomorrows of marsh and danger.

They would never be Angels and have wings-that they knew for sure. But at the moment they had each other.

That moment, that rainy morning, not even that whole day would last very long. Indeed it might never repeat itself. Things had a way of moving shiftily with each of them, leaving memories, raising scars, and passing on. But they did not choose to remember now the aching loneliness of time, warm in bed as they were, with the rain falling outside.

They did not choose to remember (for her) the stable boy who had been her lover last night, nor the jockey who had been so generous with his money the week before but had fallen yesterday in the steeplechase, lost his mount, and broke his neck.

They did not (for him) choose to remember the swift rattle of crooked dice in the fast fading game at the corner, the recollection of the startled look on the Florida Simpleton's face when he saw his month's pay gone.

For neither of them knew the memory of muddy water in the gutter of life, because on this early August morning the rain feel straight out of the sky-clean.The room is pleasantly dark and warm, the house safe, and though neither of them will ever be angels with wings, at the moment they have each other

"I like you" Ben said

"I love you" she whispered.

Hope everyone had a good Valentines Day.

"Bowl full of Shit"

So I desperately need some advice. DESPERATELY.

As you know, I am in a pre-med club. It isn't one of those huge one's, we are the smaller pre-med clubs which is more like trying to help each other out, rather than the big fancy ones which organize speakers.

I got recruited by Kay, who is on a mission to get more people involved in this club. I mentioned recently that when Kay and the girls we went to the conference with had dinner they questioned how I could get into med school when I barely talked in the club.

Now, I don't get mad often. And by often I pretty much mean I don't let people see when I am upset. Unless you personally attack my integrity, and do so during a club meeting for that matter of fact.

About midway through drawing a smiley face on my hand,Ashley(spoiled one who is a 5th going on 6th year senior) goes on to talk about "members" of the group who don't volunteer and remain quiet and don't participate, and that the can't expect to go to med school if they aren't willing now to make the steps to becoming a doctor than they never will be, and aren't showing the club that they care.

I could have punched her in the face. My converse were aimed squarely at her to kick her in the shin. I mean seriously. This just erupts a whole frenzy of back and forth talk between Ashley and Mandy about "those" members who aren't putting in enough effort.

WTF. They make it seem as if this the club that is going to get me accepted into med school. This club, which has done nothing but take 90 dollars away from me to go on some stupid trip, is one big aggravation. I feel like my personal character was attacked. It's one thing to give me criticism that I can work on, but questioning my drive and ambition is like stepping over a line, I didn't know I had.

The whole time I was like "you....A 5th year senior...Who is embarking on a 6th year senior is telling me that I won't get into med school, because I choose not to talk to you."

I don't like being talked down to. Like in a condescending way. I mean I know I am young, and I play off of that a lot, but there are moments especially when it comes to succeeding that I don't take lightly. I do volunteer, and I do generally like taking care of people(even if I don't like people all the time), so when that is put into question, I do feel like I am being attack.

That they are basically saying that I am not giving 100 percent. When I feel that is all I have been doing. Just because I don't do it in that club, doesn't mean that I'm not doing it. When we got out of the meeting I was so...PISSED. I mean like literally, just so mad that I stormed out of the room and pouted in the corner, contemplating staying in the club. Oh and to top it off, the trip in April cost 90 bucks, but because I have a test, and a practice exam for Spanish on the days we have to leave, I had to get permission from my teachers first. Kay told Mandy my situation and Mandy said it was cool that I could pay on Monday(tonight).

So after the whole, what I perceive to be a personal attack, I go up to her and am about to pay my money;
ME: hey I have to pay you for the trip, my teacher says I can go, so here's the 90 I promised.
Mandy:[look likes she won't take my money] Well you are lucky I didn't send the money off yet[even though it's not due till March 1st, someone's special day *cough cough]
Me: didn't Kay call you and tell you my situation
Mandy[pause. Eye roll]: yeah, but it was due last Monday, if I would have sent it off you wouldn't be able to go. Go to her over there to get a receipt.
Me:[about to smack her face with my 20's] Alright.

Then she proceeds to go to a girl who just joined.
Mandy: hey I'm glad you came, did you hear about the big conference in April, just let me know if you can come, and you can pay me whenever

WHAT! I just got an eye roll, while she gets to pay whenever. F that.

So Kay says that the reason I am feeling so pissed about the whole thing, results from my guilt in not feeling like they see who I really am.

Maybe. Or maybe I don't feel like being apart of a club that questions my intentions.

There's where the dilemma lies. I mean right now I'm pissed, I feel like I want to take back my 90 dollars, shove a converse up someone's...Well you know where, and retreat back into my cave.

Or.

I can fight. Well not literally. Still drop out of the club, go to the trip, prove them all wrong, and come out victorious.

I feel like I'll be disappointing Kay. I feel like I'll be making some new enemies, but I don't feel comfortable going back to that club. I don't feel like being apart of a team that questions my participation.

I don't know what to do.

I mean I know what to do, I just don't know if its right.

Beckett.

Strawberry Ice cream and Cinnamon Life Cereal

My comfort food

Generally I like Valentines Day.

I always have. In grade school I liked getting and giving those stupid cards.

As a teen I daydreamed so often about the "one" that I didn't even care when Valentines came around and my valentine was my mom, cause I imagined somewhere out there he was there waiting till the day when we would get to share Valentines day together.

(all those stupid romance novels ruined me back then. I used to love Castles when I was younger, I still do lets be honest, so when I was in the library one day searching for a book to read in the adult section, I was so happy to be out of the juvenile section, I came across a book with a castle on it. It was all sparkly and had a really great picture, so I was like "this looks like a really good book" when I got home to read it, I of course got to the awkward part and was like "what the hell is this", "should I be reading this" "did she just call it A..." "did he just" "OMG!!!", and then I laughed my ass off, because I was so embarrassed. It's like porn for women, lets be honest. Don't pick the things up ladies, gives you a false sense of everything.)
So anyway.

Valentines day for me has recently just become another day, other then the valentines day box my mom left me and has told me not to open until tomorrow, she does this every year, just to torture me. It just seems weird that on one day out of the year, you decide to be lovey dovey with your significant other. I would like my boyfriend to make a special day just for the two of us, not on a holiday in which everyone celebrates.

Until last night, I was totally content with Valentines being just another day. Until Marie called and ruined my whole night. And also made me crave strawberry ice-cream and a sappy movie I can watch and feel pathetic over.

So Marie...Is...How do I say....Probably the last person you would figure would get a boyfriend. She's really brash and a bully in way. But she's totally comfortable with that, and makes no excuses for her tough and rude ways. We talk about boys all the time, though most people, including her mother, thought she was lesbian b/c she's really tomboysih, not a slender fragile girl, rather a "I'll knock you out girl" .

I wrote in a entry a while back about the Bowling outing I participated in. And there was a boy named Jeff. Who is really a "nice guy". I mean basically he drives her everywhere, gives her massages, and they hang out everyday. The times I have been home all she has talked about is Jeff, which is weird because she rarely talks about boys, other than with me. I mean Seriously. So hearing her talk about this Jeff dude was like "wow do you like, like him or something" of course she would be like "he's not tall enough, he's not built, yadda yadda yadda." Her standards are high even though as my mom puts it "she isn't the prettiest flower in the patch to have such high standards". It's the truth. She wants like a 6'2, well built, handsome dude, yet she isn't one to care much about her own physical appearance, which is just being a hypocrite. I can say this cause on my list of what I want from a guy, it isn't top with nice pecks( I find faces and eyes more interesting, which is probably why all my crushes look the same). Just saying.

So yesterday after having not talked to her for like 3 weeks, she calls me up. We are just talking about our crazy busy lives and out of the blue she's like "remember that whole high standard thing I had, well I totally am over it. And I am kind of dating Jeff now."

You could have punched me in the face.

I could not breathe. MARIE. DATING. A GUY. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TOO.

I didn't even no what to say. I was like asking the most stupid questions. "you guys are dating?" "Like together?" "and you both agreed on this?"

I mean you know the saying "... When hell freezes over", well that was basically what me and everyone else who knows Marie would say in the boy department. I mean I am her best friend(seeing that they have been dating for a week now and I am the only one who knows), but I know that Marie was the most unlikely to get a boyfriend. In a way, my shock of her news was in all in part because I was...Jealous.

I know jealousy is awful, and I am generally happy for her. I mean she meet a really, as far as I know, cool kid that she likes and who likes her back. But then those small things hit in you in your head. Like she has a boyfriend, and I don't. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT. And I keep thinking like "she's mean, and loud, and overwhelming to be around...And yet she has someone who likes her, who was meeting her dog today." And I don't. I was jealous cause I felt unlikeable...Undesirable...Uninteresting, that no one has taken an interest in me. So I called my mom for a) shock value b) to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

And then I ate cereal for the rest of the night, cursing at the ceiling that fate has rendered me "alone"

Waking up this morning I realize what it is.

Sure Marie isn't the pretty flower in the bunch, sure she is rude, and crude, and just plain annoying sometime, but she's confidant. She puts herself out there, she makes sure she is seen. She doesn't hide, she isn't afraid. It's like that scenario of the girl in the nightclub. She could be the ugliest girl there, but she struts in like she owns the place, and in a way she does. But if you are just standing against the wall no matter how pretty you feel, but you are not making an attempt, well then no one is going to notice you, even when you desperately want them to.

This dating game is hard. When you are in elementary school, you knew when a boy liked you cause he was probably hitting you in the shoulder. But when you get older, it's all so subtle, and if you don't pounce on that you'll miss your chance.

I'm not willing to compromise and date some weirdo who whistles at me walking down the street, but to a point I have to stop my fight or flight way of life. Because I am not looking forward to going out to dinner with her and her boyfriend(weird) and being that "girl" because I am....Scared. I just don't want to be that girl, not forever.

Maybe I should just become a nun and then I would have an excuse why I don't have a boyfriend. They do where cute outfits.

Then to top it all of, she thanks me for making her realize that you have to look beyond a person hotness when you like someone, and that my comments help her see that Jeff was a great guy and now they are going strong for 2 whole weeks. YEP. That's me. CUPID. STUPID STUPID CUPID.

And then to top the off, as I was strolling down the street, with glasses off, and staring off at the sky, Art boy was right behind me. I don't know for how long, and then he started walking fast and I lost sight of him. Story of my life

I feel like a hypocrite, not even with Art boy, cause in all honesty I don't want to have a crush on a figment anymore, and have vowed that unless I talk to him than I can't really crush on him. So next week is movie club, I'll have to practice what to say to him.

Anyway. I feel like a hypocrite b/c today we had a exam for English. Where we had to right on one of the three topics. I chose women and their desires, and the consequences they faced in Romeo and Juliet and the Bible for acting or not acting on it.

I'll try to conjure up what I wrote on that subject tomorrow. But writing it, about how our desires are what inspire life if we act on them, as Juliet did, made me realize that I don't. And that I am like the women in those old stories. Repressed, and a property of life's laws, instead of my own. Juliet has more balls then me, even if she was a stupid teenager.

So I'm not so disappointed anymore...I'm not "desireless", it just that the confidence that I thought I had is really not as strong as I would like to be. I have to realize that I am an interesting person, with a lot to give, I just have to see it in myself first, before I can have someone else see it in me.

Feeling Good

So this weekend wasn't a total waste.

I feel more like Linus today, then sad Charlie Brown

I needed to go back home and re-energize until spring break arrived. And it worked. I am feeling so much better than I was last week, and my blah-ness has ended.

And I won't be looking like Harry Potter's sister anymore. Oh Yeah. I got new specks. The lady said that because I had a skinny face, my kind of oval shaped glasses weren't really good. I tried to tell my mother I was looking like Harry Potter but she never listens.

This weekend was a shopping fiasco. Of dressing rooms, tight clothes, and a 80's inspired running suit to go.

I hate shopping. I hate trying on clothes. I hate going to the mall.

The mall is quite possibly the worst place in the whole entire world. You either feel too old, or overdressed to be there. Of course it is a haven for teenagers, who walk around as if they own the place. I of course was never a "mallrat". I only went to the mall when it was necessary, like when my pants were two days away from becoming clean rags for my mother.

Kay has been bugging me about going shopping. Apparently a 19 year old(approaching 20) should not be wearing oversized shirts and jeans all the time. Before I went home she sent about a million emails, suggesting clothes to look for on my trip.

Like this one:
"Can you tell that I really want you to try something new??? :-) It's just that you are so cute and I want to see you make the most of yourself. I saw you without your glasses the other night and I noticed how pretty you are and what great skin you have and how much you hide yourself and totally downplay yourself."

I just read it today, and I kind of was like "yeah I guess she has a point" I not only hide myself in this room, but in everyday situations. I was watching the "greatest show in the world" the other night, and it was the episode about how people use things to keep people distant as a defense mechanism. Whether it be sarcasm or my quiet nature, but it's away of not letting people in.

Lets face. I've never felt like I've fit in. While everyone else has seemed to find there niche, I kind of have always felt as if there was no place for me. You kind of get use to that. I've kind of gotten use to it.

So maybe I do keep at a safe distance. A safe distance keeps you out of harms way right? A safe distant leaves you undiscovered. Maybe I'm afraid of what I will find. Maybe I'm frighten that my worries will be confirmed, that I just never will fit in, so why try.

Unfortunately the world doesn't work like that. The harder you try to stay undiscovered the harder they try to uncover you. Whoever they are. And in true line from the greatest show ever form " I don't want to fit in, I just don't want to stand out." Even when all those around you are begging for you to do so.

So I stepped out. A little. In my attempt at becoming a part of the group, of becoming a participant, instead of well A... Dodger, benchwarmer, sarcastic, quiet girl, whose attempts at trying to fade in the back has only pushed me into center stage.

I know shopping doesn't seem like a step forward into pushing myself out there, but I had to fight the tempation of getting oversized band tees. THAT'S HARD.

Shopping was okay though. Of course if you aren't a 6 foot rail thin model than shopping is not fun. At all. Things on the hanger of course look crappy once you try them on, but I got some stuff. And my boycott of Hottopic has left me craving a rock tee, but having not the slightest clue where to get them.

It's kind of shocking to hear someone from another perspective say that I hide from the world. That my defense mechanism is not only being quiet, but standing to the side, and hoping that no one will notice me. Whats even more shocking is how crappy of a job I have been doing of not drawing attention to myself. And that maybe somewhere deep down inside, I don't want to hang on the fringe anymore. That once in a while it's okay to feel like apart of something, than nothing. I have to make the small steps first.

My mom has been remarking on how she can see me as an adult. When we went to the supermarket, or was driving around town, she was seeing that I was getting older, and she wasn't disappointed with the person I have and will become. So I wonder where I get all these doubts from. Why even when I am assured of the important role I play in people's life, I have yet to see it for myself.

I guess I always had this image that everyone would see how much I had changed, and be proud of that. But I'm afraid of it, because it means saying goodbye to all those maybes, and could have, would haves. It means dealing what the path you have taken, and not looking back anymore. it's hard. it's scary.

But I guess it comes with age. I thought of my grandmother on the way back to school, and I realized this would be the first birthday for all of us, that she won't send a card in the mail. My grandmother sent money every year, even when we hadn't talk to her in like weeks. She sent two, one from my dad and one from her, filled with 100 dollars. I just remembered how much I would miss that. How much I forgot it meant to me, until now. The way she wrote my name, and always signed it the "big 16...". And I guess that what change represents for me, like a death of something you will never be able to get back. And you miss the little safeness of it. You missed its stability, it's consistent nature.

And with these small changes of moving from the edge , I realize how safe and pleasant it seemed, even if it didn't fully involve or express my full potential. And I'm sad that I hid for so long. I'm sad that my grandma and the my past never got to see me, I'm sad I waited so long.(I'll probably write about my grandmother tomorrow, she was one hell of a lady.)

I'm glad to be back at school. I think if I would have been home a little longer, my mom would have convinced me to put on a pink dress and heels. Not for me. I did get a really cute handbag though, which is a step up from using my bookbag as a notebook holder, and purse. This week looks pretty easy. No test. Trip on Saturday or Friday to AI meeting, and after holding out for a week, I am going to fork over the 90 bucks to go to the medical conference in April. I just wanted to go though so I had an excuse to wear a dress.

Valentines day is approaching. Art boy should make his move already. Oh it would be totally cheesy, but I no longer have my Harry Potter glasses, and I got my hair trimmed. That should spark something. Maybe not. Who knows.

Identity vs. Role Confusion.

"We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting, sometimes we leave a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space. "
George Lass.

Okay, I had to write this thought down before totally forgetting it, and retreating to play the SIMS.

The concept of when one door closes another door opens is complete bull.

People usually use that little phrase when something has not gone their way. A Job potential goes flat, a school you wanted to get into rejects you, or just when you are in the pits of life and need some reassurance that it will all get better.

Complete Hogwash.

Lately I have been feeling an empty space. I don't know like I have lost something, and have no idea what it is.

So I'm relating this overwhelming feeling with he whole door theory, it is like trying to say that the life is brighter on the other side. The grass is greener, the people are prettier, and the houses are big and even has an indoor pool compared to what you have.

I have never been one for change. I took a donut test, which basically(you can check out the results on my other blog. I usually just rant about movies,shows,music, and cute boys) reminded me of my personality. I don't like change, which is weird because my life has basically been full of change. Change of town, friends, lifestyle. I have always been one to adapt. I always been the one to leave things unfinished, and only realized once they were gone that I wanted and needed them more than ever to feel balanced.

embarrassing tale: When I moved from New Rochelle Nicholas and I basically hated each other. Pretty much hated each other. He became like a totally different person, and I couldn't adapt to it. I wanted the old Nicholas back, I wanted the person who admitted his same love of 80's music and Grease trivia to be there. I didn't want this new person who was standing before me. I wanted him.

So when I moved I wrote him a note and told me friend to give it to him. When I called her to see how things went, she said he wouldn't even read it. Pushed her away, and from that point on they discontinued their friendship.

I think about that note a lot. All the embarrassing things and feelings I had admitted to him, mainly telling him that I liked who he was, the way things were. I liked that he did stupid things to make me laugh, and didn't mind eating my leftovers at lunch, and stupid crap like that. And that I didn't like that he had evolved into this person whose life I didn't fit into anymore. That in a way he was growing distant while I wanted to remain at the constant, simplicity of who we were, as friends or otherwise.

Maybe that's why I have this big thing with fear of change. Because in my mind, the grass is not always greener. I have spent my whole life believing that what I have now isn't good enough, and that across the point of no return is where I'll find my peace.

This to me is the definition or tension with Identity vs. Role Confusion. To me it is like saying goodbye to what has been comfortable. And embracing life that seems so...Full of doors.

I saw Mike the other day. We have no classes together this semester, and it was like the first time I had seen him since Dec(even though I had a weird makeout dream with him. EWW). My normal routine of seeing him, going to get something to eat, getting pissed, and then storming away mad, has basically ended. We had a pretty decent conversation when we saw each other, we were excited to see each other, he walked me to the bookstore, and then I walked him to class. We laughed, talked about Martha Stewart Eyes, and when we said goodbye, I think, well I know I felt as if their was this shift in our relationship.

From being completely pissed at him most of last semester, to wanting to go and have lunch with him. To kind of say "man I miss being your friend". And I don't know what stops me from admitting how much a role a person plays in my life.

that's why the identity vs. Role Confusion seems to be taking me for a loop. It's not how I fit into the world, it's how I choose to let the world fit into my life.

It's like a lightbulb went off. I have always had my identity associated with someone else's. I was Marie's sidekick in highschool, I am my mom's good, smart daughter, I am my brothers brainy sister, I am dad's little girl. I am someone's cousin who looks up to me, friend who patronized me, the crusher to boys who don't notice me. I have always been this part of their life, identified by them. Been a story in their life.

And being here, on my own, Marie barely calling, my mom and i still struggling with the "i kind of have to clip the cord" dilema, my brother being such an idiot i bet he doesn't even remember his name. I seem a little lost. Not so much identity-less, just blah.

I float alone. Like that note, so many years lost. Being shut out by one door, expecting the other one to be brighter when it opens. But for once, I would like the pieces to fall into my lap. To be defined solely by me.

To be in charge of what doors I open, and which one's I close.

To stop being defined by others, and realize that it's time that life adapts to me. Because you know what the grass isn't always greener on this side, but it's good enough for me.

Take that Writers Block.

*Postscript* Hope you all have a good weekend. I just forgot that after my mom pissed off the AOL people by trying unsuccessfully to avoid updating our account, i will be internet-less for the whole weekend. Don't know how i will survive. If all goes well, i will get less Harry Potter looking glasses, clothes that won't attract the homeless, and get rid of the bed hair look(it works for Gavin, it doesn't work for me. well sometimes, but not this week). If all goes differently, well it will be documented as always.

Next Weekend, i some how managed to get sucked into going to a trip out of state with those weird Amnesty International people and Katherine.
Conversation went something like this

Hot British Dude: we going to a AI conference next Saturday, we would really like everyone to attend
Me: [he's really sexy] [I mummble something]
Kay:[rambles for like 30 minutes on something about the evils of Walmart]
Hot British Dude: You sound really commited
Kay: I am[she nudges me in the side when she sees me doodling on my hand again]
Me: yeah me too.[he's a junior, i'm a sophomore. He does have that certain charm]

Next thing you know, my name was on some list, for some trip, for some days. I don't know.
If Hot British dude wasn't going, i would totally have passed on the trip. He's like Hugh Grant minus the having sex with prostitutes part(as far as i know). Why are American girls suckers for accents. he didn't even say anything faint worthy, it just sounded really hot.

Rambling again.

Going through the Motions.

Drawing a blank.

I have literally been sitting here for ten minutes staring at a blank box. Waiting for the words to flow out .

Nothing.

I have been doing one of my more disgusting habits,which is eating peanut butter from the Jif Jar with my fingers.

I put my hair in a fau-hawk.

Than it started looking like that guy from Flock of Seagulls(?), so I aborted anymore attempts.

Where's a good Buffy musical when you need it.

Anyway.

Spring Break seriously needs to come. I don't understand why if February is the shortest month of the year, why it seems to be dragging along. Thats what everyone on campus is doing, dragging, mumbling words that make no sense, barely making it to class. We are all just bodies walking aroundaimlessly, waiting for March to be upon us, so we can LEAVE. I think I stepped over a few passed out bodies on the way to class. I don't know how to explain Spring Semester. For me I have always like The Fall better. Leaves are changing, I feel all Harvardy(not a word I know). A time of sweater vest, peacoats. We all feel inspired, like anything is infinite. It's the coolest time for me. Spring. Not so much. Other than my birthday, I could do without it.

Seriously.

I feel like I need to be energized. Where's that damn bunny when you need him.

I wish I had more to say, but I am literally at a loss for words.

This week has been the pits.

I'm heading home tomorrow.

I need to feel apart of something again. Instead of just so scattered with thoughts lately.

Pretend I said something highly intelligent and worthwhile.

I'm going to play the SIMS and continue eating Peanut Butter.

Train of Thought

When did I become Charlie Brown.

Hmmm...

As of Monday, Kay has informed me that I Beckett Amelia Hughes am "anit-social"

Who knew?

Though this week has calmed down a bit, which is why I am posting a day ahead of my break, I did swing by some clubs on Monday with her. There was some Med students who stopped by to basically tell us what it is like. Of course they all looked tired and in more desperate need for some sleep then me, but it was all informative. Then we swung by Amnesty International, where I sat there for an hour with a bunch of hippies talking about what we should do, instead of going out and doing what we should do. I don't know.

While Kay mingled and talked about her concerns with issues in the world. I sat there and doodled, while she introduce herself to the girl next to us, I stared at poster, and was wishing I was at movie club staring at Art Boy instead of the hot British boy who was leading the club.

Then unbeknownst to me, Kay and some of the members of the club, meaning the girls we shared a room with on our trip, talked about "concerns" with how I was going to be a doctor when I barely like talking to people, when they were eating lunch one day.

Not very encouraging.

Me? Anti-social? Surely they must be talking about someone else?

Okay in all fairness I admit that I don't like talking to people. It's not even really out of fear(well beside Art Boy) but it's mainly that I don't feel like they are interested in holding a conversation with me. If someone begins a conversation with me in class, I will chat and be friendly. But for the most part, I always feel like I am being talked at and not to. When me and Kay are together all the questions are directed to her, and I just fade in the back. I'm kind of use to sitting on the sidelines and not making a "name" for myself.

Of having to define and prove myself.

Apparently I am really good at not giving a shit. This is how people perceive me. My mom even comments on my utter disinterest that I display during boring situations. I start to doodle, I crack jokes, and try to ditch the event at all cost. I'm the person who sits near the exit so at any moment I can bolt without the crowd noticing.

I have been deemed a non participator, the kid on the sideline, the girl standing against the walls at parties...I AM MOLLY RINGWALD. AWKWARD.

I assumed my stress was coming from the lack of time I have had, the amount of homework that I have had, and such. Which it was. Everyone has been complaining about how quickly this semester is moving, how quickly it will be over, and how well we all want to do well in our classes.

But the little thing that keeps me up at night,as I stare up at the ceiling and bit on my lip, and wishing there was something to pray to, has not been the school work. It's something else. Something that not even my 80 jams cannot subdued. ( I would like to thank Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, Hall and Oates,A-Ha, and Pat Benatar for the excessive amount of times I have played you on my record player. VINYL FOREVER)

I am not one of those people who worry( well thats a lie) about birthdays, and age. But I think what Kay and the rest of the people in the club, life, home, etc, are so frustrated with me is because they look at me, and see that I am young, and see that I have a lot going for me, that I have time, and I am kind of just letting it pass me by. Not even socially, most of the people I know, have husbands, kids, drama to worry about, and I have well...Nothing. My life hasn't even started yet.

But for me. I feel like I'm coming up on 20, and have wasted time. Have wasted so much, and I am looking into the future, and wondering if my efforts to get to this point and place in my life were I am happy aren't strong enough. I was watching scrubs last night, cause I kind of have a crush on Zach Braff. But now he's dating Mandy Moore and she's an idiot so his character as a person is in review now. But anyway I was watching Scrubs, b/c it really is a good show and he said something that put it all in perspective. That we worry about the future when we aren't sure how it's going to work out. But I'm paraphrasing that so...

I am terribly worried about my future. Like my ambition for getting there isn't matching my drive. And I just get worried that I watching slip through my hand. That I'm now grasping it fully. There is just so much I want to do, and I haven't even pinpointed them. Truth be told time is commodity, there isn't enough of it. Before you know it, you wake up and your 20 or 30 or 40, and wonder where it went. Well for the past week, I have been waking up and realizing that I'm 19, and I have nothing to show for it. I am standing on the sidelines, and I am not making a splash.

And talking to my mom yesterday she was about Med school she was like "You don't have to prove it me that you want to go to Med school" and she was right. I have to prove it to myself, I have to make my future look brighter. I want to live in Philadelphia, and have my own apartment, and cat named...I'm not good with names, but you get what I'm saying.

So where do you go from here?. When life opens the door, and only obstacle is in choosing whether to step through or not. Or linger back in the shadow, hoping that someone will shine that light and find you.

So I have been dealing with that, but I think I realizing what I want to do with my life, where I want the path to take me. In psychology we are learning about the stages of life. I am in Stage 5 of the 8(along with the rest of people in that class) our stage is called
Identity Vs. Role Confusion. In other words I am Charlie Brown. I mean think about it. Minus the yellow t-shirt, the baldness, I am a kid running around chasing after a Art Boy=Little red head girl, I'm totally pessimistic, Marie is totally Lucy, and I say "good grief" all the time.

I want to be Linus. He was cooler.

As soon as I figure out who it is that I am, I have to figure it out how that plays into getting what I want. As soon as I figure out what "it" is. My head hurts.

Can't wait for the next stage of life which occurs in the 20's. Intimacy vs. Isolation. Sounds Fun.

I have to study for my Genetics test(while listening to some new tunes thanks to DarkMachines). I had to talk to my teacher because the medical trip in April is on the same day as an exam,so I had to explain that I am a Pre-med student, which now means I have to do really good or he will think I am an idiot.

The girl I dislike in European Lit, got heckled today(you will hear more about her later). I laughed too, and then got the death stare from across the room from her. Highlight of my day. Well minus Gremlins being on USA network.

Girl Interrupted

(I've always wanted to use this title and pic)

This week is just going to be hell.

I mean I know it.

I have(yes I must go over the list again) 3 exams, 2 major papers,decisions to make before tomorrow concerning 90 bucks I have to fork over, a meeting with a professor, apartment hunting.

Naturally I am a worrywart. I am a composed worrywart, but my stress level is probably at a peak right about now.

It doesn't help when you spent the better half of last week, helping someone out for a bio and math test neglecting studying for the 3 exams mentioned in the last paragraph. And then spent Friday being beat up by kids, for 8 hours. And seeing "when a stranger calls" with 10,000 screaming teenagers who kicked the back of me seat during the whole thing.

I feel a wind up toy, at first it's full of life , but eventually that dies out, and it escapes back into it's box, where it remains.

I talked about taking a break, and I really need to. I mean I just need to focus this week on getting through these test, and resting. My mind is filled with all these puzzles that I can't seem to place together or figure out what I am suppose to do. I'm worried about housing, I'm worried about my free time because Kay always wants to do something, I'm worried about studying or my lack of for that matter, I worried about money. YADDA YADDA YADDA.

Basically what I am trying to get at unsuccessfully of course is that posts this week will probably be dismal. I just need to relax, slow down a little, and watch a marathon of monk. My last test for the week is on Thursday, so if you don't hear from me until then. You know why.

Though this is my journal, where I usually try to sort through all the stuff in my head, I can't even find the words to describe my...Exhaustion at his moment.It isn't writers block, because well I barely get them. I feel like Lindsay Lohan who fainted(or maybe it was some other teen horrible actress) from exhaustion and needed a break. Well minus the exhaustion being key word for "Lindsay totally OD-ed on crack or something." so minus the crack, I really am just exhausted.

I wished to be like Susanna Kaysen(really Winona Ryder minus the stealing), and be able to find the words to kind of describe whats my head is going through. But Susanna Kaysen was in a psych ward, so she had all day to sort out the feelings she had without the looming things before her.

I am pre Susanna's trek to the hospital(if you haven't seen the movie you probably have no idea what I am talking about. I'm sorry. It's a good movie though. My fave. Well behind the Goonies that is.), I am borderline with facing this new life I feel unprepared for(Opera's and Coffee shops). And my old solitude one, I feel like returning back to(room, tv, sleep).

And it's not easy when my mom remarks on how busy I am now the "busy lady"."Call when you have the time".

I don't think the problem of borderline is that you have to choose which side to take the leap off. You simply have to find a good medium. A place where everything balances itself out, and you feel centered. Because right now I am kind of just teetering on the edge. Sneaking glances at how life on the other side will be.

It's stifled plateau. A place of blah. Where all my thoughts just seem to go in circles and I am left exhausted.

And when I try to ask the dreaded "what should I do" from people, I get all these advises that I don't like. That aren't really beneficial. And I realize it's because I have to make the decisions. All of them. There is no running to anyone and hoping they will magically solve it for me. As a horrible decisions maker it is all consuming and stressful. And I have to figure out what it is I really want, despite what my mom says, despite what Kay, despite what anyone says.

And the truth is I have no clue.

I'm ambivalent.

"Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... Between two opposing courses of action."

So I just need to sort it out. Whatever "it" is. I'm just feeling a little off centered. A little ambivalent at the moment. A little torn, because I'm not a really good decision maker, and they seem to be presenting themselves full force this week.

Where's whoopie goldberg as a psych nurse when you need her.

Don't go cheating on me while I'm gone.

Finding some younger, wittier, blonde blogger while I am on my short retreat. =)

Until I "see" you again. Thursday.

-Beckett-

"A Hand of Bridge"

Went to the Opera tonight.

90 minutes of scream-- i mean singing.

There was improv, and comedy, and a drama, and shootings. It was like a Soap Opera on stage.

A very small stage, where you could see the actors in the corner trying to hide in the corner, but nevertheless a very interesting sight.

I didn't cover my ears and cry for mercy, that should be a sign.

But i did "night" dream, and was tempted to draw on my hand. again.

You think you meet all the cute boys in the film department. NO WAY. Go to an opera. Cute boys, who can sing, now thats what i call, hott.

More tomorrow. I'm exhausted, my feet hurt, and i got chased by a bum today from subway. SERIOUSLY.

As i was making my way to my "safe haven" subway, there was a guy standing around the corner(or as i call it the halfway point to heaven. I LOVE YOU SUBWAY). I guess i picked the wrong time to do my sympathy smile.

After asking if he could "talk" to me, he wanted to know if i minded being hit on. Sure i don't mind being hit on, but maybe not with a dude who could only take me the 99 cent store for a date. After shrugging him off, i made my way to subway, and tried to sneak out unseen by the bum. As i was heading back to my dorm, i turn around to see the bum a block down(having had followed me ) and doing the "where are you going" shrug.

So what did i do.

Ran like hell.

I mean like hell.

Ducked into the Biology building, where i hid in a corner for 15 minutes.

I think i deserve a break.

The bum, the opera, and a history paper to write.

Yeah. I've had enough for one day.

Social Butterfly?

I am flipping exhausted.

I mean I don't know where the time goes.

I'll tell you where it all goes, being around people all day, sucks the time away.

I am not a social butterfly.

Never have been. I mean I'm more of a social squirrel. I'm in and out in a New York minute hoarding all sort of goodies as I scurry. That's what I do. Generally people exhaust me. I mean they are tiring, they have their own business that they incorporate into your life which seemed simple at first. Of course you don't realize the pleasures of your life, before it begins to evolve before your eyes.

I have been hanging out with Kay about every other day, people have been talking to me in classes(not that I try to continue on the conversation beyond "hey"), and I think me feet are just taking me where I have to go, because most days I don't even remember. The week seems to be flying by, and I can barely find the time to just...I don't know, read a book.

I don't know...I do enjoy the down time. A LOT. I mean I complained about it before, but I'm just not the girl who always has to be doing something, I see nothing wrong with a little day in bed, pajamas, remote control in one hand, and my other hand in a box of cereal. That's the way I grew up. When we lived in the yellow house, my grandma would make breakfast, and all of us would run downstairs with a blanket in hand, camp up in front of the TV, and chow down on some pancakes.

I have carried that into my adult life. Geez, I'd be in pajamas right now and in bed, if all this homework wasn't looming before me.

In high school I was in Speech club(go figure) and we had a speech competition. It lasted the whole day, and after a stop at the mall, we didn't head back home until like 11. Everyone was on the bus talking, and having a good old time, and I was slumped against the seat, napping. The hot speech teacher, thought there was something wrong, but Marie just informed him of my not being a night person. Once we returned to the school for our parents to pick us up, I ran off the bus barely saying goodbye, and collapsed in my brothers arm, who literally was the first one waiting there. He knows my sleep habits, and literally drag me into the car, and then we headed home.

I am not a creature of the night. Unless you have a cup of coffee in your hand to give to me, expect me to fall asleep wherever we are. I don't care if there isn't a seat, bed, chair, I will camp out to get some shut eye. And don't try to wake me, because you will just end up carrying me home.

It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out. I would be a fool to say that. I do enjoy it. Everyone needs social interaction to be happy( I learned this from the Sims. The things to make the Sims happy, or they will flip out, are: Food, Fun, Sleep, Going to the Bathroom, Hygiene, Comfort, environment, and Social) in a sense. I just need small doses of it. In the past week I have been dragged around campus buy Kays crusade to "get me involved", I have been to club meetings, out to eat, helping her(and actually making sense of it all) math and biology, and am going to an Opera on Saturday. AN OPERA.

I'm not a girl who likes routines in most aspect. But something are just sacred. Like my trek to Subway every other day. I walk in, order the same sandwich, and then head back to my dorm. Not now friends, since Kay is a social butterfly, she conversates with the people who make my sandwich. I'm all out of whack now ask me questions about why I get the same sandwich everyday. I'm not Jared the subway guy, I'm not trying to lose a buttload of weight and start doing annoying commercials. I simply like Turkey sandwiches.

I feel like I just need a day to recuperate. To catch my breathe, to take it all in. I was going to take a retreat into the real world, and then I remember that this is my retreat. It like when George said that life is the vacation and death is the 9 to 5 (don't quote me directly, it probably was said entirely different).

I think life, work, school, people are so stressful in general, we need those things that remind of how pleasant it is. For me it's being alone for a while. Not even a long while, a day or 2, to sit in my room, with my old grandpa pajamas with the hole that I had to sew up, it was freaking me out. Do you guys need to breathe or something down there it's gross

(me and Marie had a completely awkward car ride home, and to us awkward is funny because we aren't weirded out about it, about the whole "hole" phenom. Girl pj's are like uncomfortable and expensive, and usually involve lace that make me feel like I should be standing on the corner of a street, instead of sleeping. Boy pj's are comfortable, you can walk around with them any where you please. My only problem is the hole. I feel weirded out by the whole purpose of the "hole", are guys really that lazy, or maybe it's just convenient. Whatever the case, whenever I buy boy pj's I beg my mom to sew them up. I have no purpose for it.)

In wake of all this social interaction, I am surprisingly learning more about myself and my family.

I always complain about my family I amused we were boring, because my mom liked to do things like take us to the library instead of an amusement park. But in talking with Kay I am surprise that she actually seems to enjoy all the stories I tell her. Like that they are actually interesting and funny. I forget how fun my family can be sometimes. I mean not in that "oh we see each other every Christmas way and have a grand time" but that when we do see each other(this is including like my dad, aunts, cousins, and such) it's like there is a magic. Like even though we are total opposites in personality, we enrich each others lives by the laughter we share.

Today, after an exhausting day being drag around, I couldn't help remember all the good times, that we laugh about. (my mother is going to kill me)

The time my grandma fell through the stairs and yelled "OH LORD!!" , before cursing those out around her who were trying to help and laughing at the same time(this was before I was born, but still funny)

Or last summer when I dared my mother to lick the electric side of the square battery, after my attempts at telling her she was going to get shocked went ignored. 15 minutes later, after she picked herself up off the floor, and I stopped laughing enough to help her, she believed me

Getting lost in Central Park for hours waiting with a man with a trach in his next explaining why we shouldn't smoke(hilarious guy) until mom and James reached the other side of the park to get us.

Going to Baltimore to see the Orioles play against the Mets, and initiating the wave so many times with a group of friends, that we got more eye rolls in one night then needed(this was n junior high).

Sometimes I just forget all the stories I have to tell, and in some way I'm glad they are full of more good memories than bad. Or at least I should start focusing on the good one's than just the bad one's.

I mean most of these involve family, but it's good to have that to go through life with. That even though they drive the hell out of me, and why argue more than need be, and there has been tears shed every summer... if I can remember that my brother drunk raw egg out of a cup because he thought it would give him muscles, are the things I'm kind of glad I have to share.

I'm pretty tired, after being dragged around all day. The social butterfly is just not me. My mom says this is what people do. Well I would advise people to do what I do best, what I will probably do tonight.

PJ's
Channel Surfing
Daydreaming
homework
Sleep to dream

I had two dreams last night one involving Art boy the other involving Nicholas(or "N" as I often refer to him as ). Nicholas brother is an actor(whose name I will not be disclosing) and when I catch him on TV on the rare chance I get a) freaked out b) happy to see a familiar face c) sad cause Nicholas pisses me off d) wondering where he is. The one with Nicholas was better though. Art boy was wearing a stupid paper bag over his head and a gorilla suit.

Don't ask.

I've Escaped Again.

Driving back from Philadelphia in the dead of the night, my brother and I saw the most beautiful city ever. It was like 2 in the morning, my mom had gotten lost for the 12th time that day, and we were driving around every town/city we saw, trying to get back home. We were on the isolated highway, in the dead of the night, and I think we both thought we had each fallen asleep. Buy when we saw the city, with the glimmering lights that seemed to sparkle off the water, we both sat up, and begged our mom to turn off there. Of course she didn't and watched it as we passed, glancing back as if we had saw Neverland. We would go on to say, if it had just been us driving we would have stopped, never thought anything about it, because the city looked like it promised so much.

Maybe it's because I have been listening to the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack all day(and saying "I wish I knew how to quit you" to my mother on the phone), but I've decided to retreat. To escape to a land of ease for awhile. Oh sure that land of ease isn't with my cowboy lover Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal. Oh sure it isn't on the Oregon Coast, for craps sake it isn't even to a really cool city of dazzling lights.

It's simply a retreat of ease I put myself through when running on empty. When I have grown restless. It is an escape into the possibilities. The possibilities that make waking up each day beautiful.

Maybe on that retreat I will dream of the sparkling city, I'll dream not of "what if" but simply of "damn that was amazing". Surprisingly the retreat seems to be into the real world, away from the sparkling city, cowboy love, and the coast of Oregon. Maybe the retreats right here, of Dead Like Me marathons late night Family Guy, and dragging myself to class every day. Maybe I'll dance in the rain, smile at a stranger, finish writing a scene for my movie, finishing studying for exams.

Retreats are fun, they allow you to escape from the "real world",but then only remind you that can't stay there forever, and that you have to re-enter it at some point. Until then I'll enjoy the simplicity of it all.

Beckett

"I've Made a Lot of Mistakes "

My newest crush as of late(that's right, i'm totally cheating on Gavin Degraw).

I have been listening to an increasingly amount of Sufjan Stevens lately. Well it's more like 1 song by Sufjan Stevens actually.

It's called Chicago.

And for some reason walking to classes , his repetion of "I've made a lot of mistakes" with this almost triumphant band playing behind his soft voice has been stuck in my head.

It's the only song I have of his too, but I'm kind of drawn into him and this song. I'm like mesmerized.

Not really by Sufjan, but I guess by the concept of redemption within myself, and dealing with the mistakes in my life I have not forgiven myself for.

It's probably no shock that I talk about the past a lot. I replay things in my head like a song that is skipping or a movie that I have seen a million times, and I always wonder about the what if's.

I live in what if state of mind. I remember writing a while back(September probably) of all the "would have's" that may have happened. But it is not the "would haves" that I actually think of, it's the "what ifs" that seem to take hold of me. Like if the "what ifs" were different, I would be too.

What if I was taller?
What if I wasn't so shy?
What if James and my mom would have gotten married?
What if we hadn't moved?

Those "What if's" have been the basis of my frustration and isolation awhile back. They are the 50% that made me unhappy, that makes/made it so difficult to adjust. Because the "what if's" are something I will never be able to retrieve, and are lost forever in ideals of what they could have been.

With my recent Art boy dilemma, which has since been resolved after seeing that he is like a "real person, I see that's how I live my life. I look from a distance and dream of all the possibilities yet I don't take the steps in realizing if those possibilities are things that I will like, or things that I've hyped up so much there can only be disappointment.

As in liking boys and not telling them so, difficulties with finding my voice, of being scared of the experience, not enjoying Philadelphia and later giving up on it. I mean there's so much more, I wasted high school being so angry that I have no fond memories of it, and though I have become happy with the strides I have taken this semester in getting out there, I feel I should have done that from the beginning, I feel like I should have come with little to no expectation and let the surprises take me by storm.

And I realize that in a way, I haven't forgiven myself for those mistakes. I hold on to them deeply, letting them scar me and making me feel like I don't deserve whats on the other side of the rainbow.

I realized that I was grateful. That I am grateful for the scars that penetrate the skin, because they are reminders of how much greater I am than them. That I'm like a survivor or something. That I'm growing from them, and slowly they are beginning to fade. And though the other side of the rainbow doesn't hold all the ideals that I have hyped up in my mind, they are holding this realization of how much stronger I am getting with each step.

That I can do whatever it is I set my mind too, and that I forgive that girl. I forgive her.

Because I am also going to be that girl, that slightly out of place,smart-alleck, who doesn't play well with strangers girl, but it's time to let me forgive myself for those mistakes. Because those mistakes make who I am, if I would have had all the "what if's" I wouldn't have learned the lesson I have gotten this far. So I embrace them now, I forgive them now, it's time that I did so.

And that makes me extremely happy about my life, and happiness that seems to be leaning on the cusp of something that looks promising.

Just another one of my slight epiphanies walking to history class, where I later went on to draw on my hand for the next 50 minutes( i was drawing on my hand because the girl i was sitting to kept picking her noise for 50 minutes. It was the most disgusting thing ever, and then she feel asleep, kind of leaing near me, and i kept looking at her hand to make sure it wasn't going to touch me. GROSS). The things I realize when walking around campus, I should do it more often.

Its so crazy because we have only been at school for a month and i, like most other people, am in desperate need for a vacation. It's not even that i am tired, i just need to go home(NYC), i feel like as soon as i am there all the thoughts twirling inside my head will work itself out.

Being there seems to do that to me. Being there makes me happier than anything in the whole world, well other than my Birthday.

1 month until my birthday,iPod,Spring Break, and NYC. i'm so EXCITED, and a little impatient.