Service Order

Best Buy and I are getting to be really good friends.



Today I handed my very sick computer to a geek squad guy who looked like David Byrne. No lie. When he signed the service order D.B, I couldn't help but smile. What if a talking heads member (one of the most influential, I may add) were working on my computer. That to me is worth more than getting it fixed. Okay not really, but it would be funny.



Anyway, back to the computer thing.



It's been a week sans computer and I am surprisingly hanging in there. So yeah, it feels like 1999. When I was 13, and my idea of ever owning a computer was slim. But I am dealing. I have no choice but to. Without the computer I am getting acquainted with things I ditched once I got one. I finished a book. I completed a jigsaw puzzle, I wrote snail mail. SNAIL MAIL.



Because most of my hours are spent on the interweb, I have forgotten how many hours are in a day, and more importantly what I can get done in those hours that for now do not include youtube.



Everyone at work attempted to give me computer advice. EVERYONE. And I listened, nodded my head, patted some backs and praised their techiness. But I must admit, I am not a techy girl. I know your basic 101 skills but then everything else is like rocket science. So even though I heard a million suggestions I had no idea what those suggestions meant.



Josh said he could fix my computer, followed by a guy named Mike who said he could fix it even better than Josh could ever fix it. This was then followed by a ten minute tech conversation about drivers(?) and software and who knew what. I stood there, listening, nodding, and then dreaming of Australia.



In the end, I took it to Best Buy. Yeah it's going to cost me a million bucks. But hey David Byrne is working on my computer and he said it is definitely not the hard drive. Thank God.



Until then, I am stuck at the library again. I miss using the computer in the privacy of my own home.



With all this time on my hand I want to incorporate some more not so computer related activities into my life. 'David' said it would take 7-10 to run a diagnostic and then another 3 to fix whatever the hell is wrong with my computer. So I will be without a working comp for at least 2 weeks. 2 weeks.

Some of you, should expect snail mail. I'm bored.



God this library smells weird. I am all claustrophobic here. I tried to get here earlier (to avoid the crowd) but I had to walk all the way from Best Buy to get here, and that took me about an hour. The library is like some weird comical place where everyone who doesn't have a computer come to converge for an hour out of that day.

I feel, at this moment, as I listen to the best damn french soundtrack in the world, as if I am in a black and white movie. You know the ones that are silent and you see the actor do something, followed by their dialogue written on some cardboard paper. People file into use these things like roaches, and when they are not too busy staring at the computer, realizing it is something man has actually manage to create, they type slow. One finger at a time.

I must get out of here. I will probably get some books. Get some envelopes and start writing. I am really interested in this snail mail thing. I haven't done it actively since I was 14. I use to write (and receive) letters to my childhood friend Linda when I was in middle school. I use to get so excited when I received her letters in the mail.

When I moved to south carolina I always felt like a stranger to my past. I didn't live there anymore, and for some reason I felt like traces of me no longer existed there. But when I use to write her, it was like a reminder in a way that I had once had this life there. With her. In that time. In that age.

Who knows. Maybe i'm being all nostalgic for no reason. But because I don't have a computer I feel like I don't have access to well...to this place which I am attached to.

My time is winding down at the computer. Damn. I'll try to have a more cohesive post next time. I have boy news. Yeah, seriously. Okay by news I mean, there was this boy that I met when I was in south carolina for the summer (so I didn't write about that one. my bad). I bought records from him. He is cute and nerdy, and wears glasses. Anyway, he asked about the other day when my mom stopped into the store without me. My mom said he didn't even wait to say hello to her first, he just sort of blurted out that he hadn't seen me in a while and didn't know how to get in contact. He missed seeing me at the store. WHAT THE FUDGE. He couldn't have said this when I was home.

More on that later. Well, some idiot doesn't have her headphones on the computer. People are giving her the stank face. Me including. I hate this place. Somebody save me. Time to get out of here. The smell is nauseating.

Jay Z ruins everything!

My computer has official died. Or kind of died. Or more aptly, the software has crashed (at this point I hope it is just that). I noticed last week that my USB port was not working on my computer. This only became noticeable when I tried to transfer new songs onto my ipod. At first I thought it was the cord itself. I have had problems in the past with usb wires.

But my math lessons from school paid off. Or maybe that's science lessons. Instead of buying a new usb cord I tried to use the usb port with another device (printer). The same message popped up. That the device could not be located on my computer. I put two and two together that it wasn't the cord it was the port itself. Frustration bound I called best buy, who of course told me that I would have to come in and get a diagnostic test on the computer before they could do anything.

I nixed that idea and instead called Compaq (my computer brand) to better understand the issue. The number that I found (before my computer completely crashed) directed me to a company called IYOGI. I have never heard of this company before. But all of the IT questions located on the Compaq site leaded me there. The first time I called, the sales person blamed my USB problem on me, and then insured me that if I paid him 139.99 that he would fix the problem I had created for myself. I told him, I'd call him back in an hour. I never did.

But then on Friday, my computer completely froze as I was listening to a Dixie Chicks song. I blame you Natalie Maines! I immediately shut my computer down the illegal way, and then tried to restart it. But I got nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. My computer went from working to not working in a matter of seconds. I paced. I wanted to cry. I paced again. I realized I had no pants on and then paced again. I didn't go to sleep that night. I watched my lifeless computer the whole night wondering how I was (am) going to pay to get it fixed.

The next day I called best buy, asked them my computer issue and then decided I would go to them. Yes, it is going to cost me 69.95 to get a diagnostic test and another 129.00 to restart XP (if that is the case) but what am I suppose to do, pay 139.99 for IYOGI to fix it ? Wait. This would be the cheaper alternative. This would save me money. And IYOGI is for a whole year, so if I ever encounter a software related problem I can call them. YEAH!

That's what I thought when I called them up Saturday night. I talked to an okay sales associate who ensured me that I was making the right decision. As he was processing my debit card information, he asked me about my email address. He said it was an interesting name and then I said it was from a band. As I was waiting for him to take the money out of my account he kept asking me information outside of computer related stuff. This made me nervous for some reason.

I still do not know if he was trying to be friendly or what but the moment he started going on a tangent about music I started to get concerned. Who the fuck was I talking to. Where they even a legit company. I didn't have Internet access to check them out, and why was he so interested in talking about Guns N Roses. Not that I am not a fan or anything, but dammit it all to hell if I am forking over 140 bucks to someone I don't know, I want them to kind of be professional. PROFESSIONAL!

The nail in the coffin came when he started talking about Jay-Z, an artist I have no issues with. I have danced to some of his songs myself in my room, but when the guy on the other end said "Jay-Z. Yeah he is the shit!", red flags started raising. I have never had this feeling before. My stomach dropped. For the first time ever, I felt real fear. Maybe I wasn't talking to who I thought I was talking to. I did find this number off the Internet. Maybe the whole thing is a scam and I have just willingly given a person I don't know all of my debit card information. A person who says "Jay-Z" is the shit to a customer.

He knew he made a mistake because then he returned to regular sales person voice. But by then I was all kinds of freaked out, and told him I didn't want to purchase the year insurance to fix my computer. But I got this response from him: "but Beckett, I'm sorry. I've already taken the money out. Too late!". I started freaking out, I hung up the phone and began to dial bank of America, for them to freeze my account. But the moment I hit the number pad on my phone, the phone rang like something out of a scary movie. 'Why did you hang up the phone' the voice yells back at me. Yells!

"Who the hell are you people!" I yell back, repeating that he just said Jay-Z was the shit. Before he can utter another word I say "your supervisor. NOW!". He transfers me to a manager who seems pretty appalled by the agents un-professionalism and ensures me that this will never happen again. But I am livid. I feel violated. And I want my motherfucking money back.

Of course, I then spent the next 2 days! on the phone with these people, explaining why I want my money back. The answers ranged from 'we don't give refunds' to 'call this number'. I was on hold a total of 12 hours, spoke to about 12 people, and cursed out 2 managers.

Today I woke up and my money is back in my account. I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was. I have won the battle! I am all bruised and worn out, but dammit I have my money back. But my computer still doesn't work and taking it to best buy is going to cost me a pretty penny. A pretty penny. I can't afford this. I have rent to pay, and this week is another 3 days of work. Now it's time to beg my mom to help me out with this. Yeah, I'm working the mom angle on this one.

If it is the software it will cost me 129.00, if it is the hard drive (please don't let it be that), it will cost me 80+50+129.00 dollars. which is 2X the amount I want to pay. Please be the software, purty please.

I will be away from the computer for awhile. I hate coming to the library. But will try to at least until my computer works. Fingers crossed. I'll need it.

Yeah, Well You're Pissing Me Off Too!

There is some upcoming drama in the air. Yikes.



I no longer have a crush on McAbs. There are several reasons this crush thing fizzled out. 1) He has a girlfriend. I know this has not stopped me before (from crushing, nothing more) but for some reason this has deterred me from him. 2) He's domineering and aggressive. Which is all good in those trashy romance books I read, but in real life, it can be annoying and dumb. 3) out of crushing on him, he is a guy of a million promises and no follow through. He has offered me rides home in the past weeks and then gone back on his words. That microwave he said he could get me, well that didn't pan out. He said he had to give it to someone else.

And then....Sunday he asked me if I wanted a cat. McAbs is huge on cats. I think he likes them more than I do. He is a Leo, and he takes that astrological sign to heart if he knows it or not. I have seen him in the presence of feline friends and he dissolves from being McAbs to something else. He is patient and soothing as he calls the animal towards him, and before you know it there the stray comes, tentative and lost, but towards him as if she knows he will take care of her. It was the most bizarre (and hot) thing I have ever seen.

So I was flattered when he came to me with a cat dilemma. Seems like his sister got a stray a couple of weeks ago. The cat is gentle and sweet and couldn't hurt a fly. Well it could but only because it's a cat. Unfortunately she cannot keep the cat, and McAbs can't keep it but he doesn't want the cat to go to a shelter. He knew that I was a previous cat owner and that he's 'known me for nine months' and that I couldn't hurt a fly. I mean I could but only because I don't like bugs.

He was on his knees (cleaning something) and I was standing above him, dreaming of his abs and muscles. He came to me because I am good with pets. And I am a good person. And I could name him jack like my favorite person in the whole entire world. I told him that I would have to think about it. I mean I just moved into a new place which isn't entirely my own. I can't afford a cat. I barely can afford to feed myself. But I would see if my landlady (who has cats) would want another in the litter.

'i'm not giving her the cat. I want you to have it. What do you say?". I'm a girl, his muscles distracted me. I didn't say no, but I sure as hell didn't say yes. I had to think it over, because I do want a cat. But can I afford one now? Would the landlady agree to have another cat in her home? Where would the cat sleep? Eat? Do it's cat business?

By the time I got home, I concluded that though I would love to have a cat, I can't have one now. I am in no position to take care of another living being. When I get a cat. I want it to be able to have space to roam, and sleep, and do it's cat things. I don't want to have it secluded to one room.

The next day I told the janitor that I couldn't have a cat. My landlady already has three, I live in a room, and it just wouldn't work. I sort of swung the landlady angle a lot more than my own 'I'm broke' truth. He asked if he could talk to the landlady about the cat. I told him it wouldn't do him any good because she speaks a little English. He asked me about her native language. And when I say Portuguese his face lights up. His sisters husband is Portuguese (great) and he can talk to her (even better). I say I don't know. I mean I still can't have a cat. I'm broke. broke. but he doesn't hear this or doesn't want to.

A couple of days ago he sent me a text about the cat situation. That I should call him ASAP. But I was out. I was having an okay social time with a friend. I didn't want to drop what I was doing, call him to talk about a cat I don't want. So I didn't call back. And I haven't heard from him since.

We work together on Saturday and I know he is going to be pissed. I have the scene in my head. He is going to come in on Saturday, give me a piss face, and then display his anger out on me until I go home. He is expecting me to fell sorry or guilty or worse. But you know what he should have never put me inn that position. I never said I wanted that cat. I said I wanted A cat in the near future. But not today. And maybe I wasn't clear about that, but I asserted the whole "i live in a room. One room. In a house. How could I take care of a cat"

I needed a microwave. I needed a ride home that night it was pouring outside. I don't need a cat. Sure I want one. I would love to have one. But right now, it was the dumbest thing I could do (outside of having a crush on a dude because he has nice muscles). And I sort of want him to be all pissy with me on Saturday (away from the managers of course) because you know what I am going to be pissy back. He shouldn't have made me Joan of the Cats. He shouldn't have expected me to pull him out of a jam, especially if that could jeopardize my current living situation.

I am not looking forward to Saturday. He thinks he has me all figured and maybe he does. But I won't let him make me feel like the wrongdoer in this. I just have to remember this on Saturday, when he pulls me aside to talk.

'Everything Was'

MixCd Extravaganza has unfortunately come to an end. I received my last cd's this Monday and I have been over the moon since.



I must admit, I have been waiting for this one most of all. Frogboots has been with from the very beginning. Since I admitted my bouts with depression, fell in and out of love with Art Boy, had to deal with crazy Katherine and her 'worst friend in the world' status, when I changed my major (several times), when I started therapy and toyed with the idea of prescription drugs, when Danny died....



This blog has been a place of refuge for the last four years. Hence the whole unwillingness to break the fourth wall. I talk (and will continue to talk) about every aspect of my life here. I didn't intended to do this, but it happened, and it kept happening and here we are today...



Once again this mixcd thing was just suppose to be fun. A way to say thanks, or hi, or maybe to break the fourth wall down a little. But I never expected the cd's that I received. They are all very personal, intimate and I hear all of your voices in them. Every cd that I received I opened with care, and then ripped the cd jacket open to get a sneak peek into yours lives. Into what you listen to, or what you knew I would like.



And then on Monday, I heard that sound again. Of a package being dropped off in front of me room. I waited a few minutes, dumped my book on the floor and held the package in my hand for a while. A long while.



I snapped a picture of the contents with my camera, and then tore into my suprise. There were two cd's, two playlists wrapped in tissue paper, and a note with my name. How I love me some notes. Especially ones that come from a sincere place.



Both cd's are distinct. One is filled with songs of wonder, excitement, optimism. The other one is quieter. The songs are delicate, soft, and filled with a tinge of optimism. I can't help but think that each song represents the four years of 'everything was'. Of our friendship.



I made sure to listen to each track closely. I didn't want to miss a thing. Not one. I wanted to make sure I was hearing what R.E.M was saying, and Jeff Buckley, and the cast from Glee. I wanted to hear it all, so that I could hear her and dammit all to hell Frogboots I got all weepy. Especially here:

'I have seen you in various stages of undress.I have seen you through various states of madness.I have seen your refractions and I did not recognize you.I have seen you in various states of madness'.


I don't have a lot of friends. I have people that I hang out with, I have people that I want to hang out with, and then I have people who know who I am. And there aren't too many of those.


You are one of my dearest friends. You know me better than Marie at this point. I don't know how you did it, but the songs are lovely. They are raw and unflinching and painfully honest. They are me. Every last note. And I think they are you. Every last note.


Thank you. Thank You. Thank You. I don't know how you did it. How you knew. But thank you. I adore you. Thank you.

And again thank you Mary Poppins, who introduced me to some awesome Canadian bands! And who has me addicted to that damn Bon Iver song.

And to Jon. Jon, whose cd's I listen to on a regular basis. The songs have lodged themselves in my head and every time I listen to a track it means something completely different than it did before. By itunes count, I have listened to 'One Time Too Many' 41 times. Damn. I literally love everyone song.

I don't think my cd's did justice in comparison. But I hope they moved you in some way. I hope.

Thank you.

.

perfection.

You Can't Use Me.

Last night I let a co-worker spend the night in my room.

It's not what you thing. I did not succumb to McAbs muscles and take him to bed. I am not like that. Though today I did find out that he wants to be a firefighter, which raised his hotness factor to about an 11. Oh, those arms were made for putting out fires. damn.

Anyway. Remember the whole, hanging out with that girl from Jenn thing. Yeah? I think that might have been a mistake. I am a very nice girl. Most people mistake my niceness for gullibility because: I'm 'from' the south, I'm a little naive, I laugh a lot, and I try to get along with people. For some reason this smells of 'doormat', and I have spent a lifetime running into and avoiding people who want to take advantage of me.

Because of this, I go into relationships hesitantly. I am NOT a people pleaser, but I do like to take care of the people I love. I'm nurturing in that way, sue me. So the other day I get a call from Jenn at 9:30 at night. I think that she is calling because she wants to get drinks or something. But she doesn't.




She is in school and lives in an apartment style dorm. For some reason she assumed her dorm was going to be open during Christmas break. That day at work she came in all excited because she thought she was going to have the apartment all to herself. She made plans to get something to eat, watch a movie, and then lounge. Of course, when she got to her dorm she was shocked to find the whole building locked up. Her dorm was not going to be open during the holidays, she didn't get the memo.



She lives in Brooklyn, but works here in town because she goes to school here. She didn't want to go home because then she wouldn't make any money over the holidays. She thought she could room with another co-worker during the 3 week break. But said co-worker lives with three other people and after a week they were not cool with a free loader in their house. Apparently vegans are very territorial and after a while they were not feeling Jen as a guest in their fabulous apartment who was trying to be affable in order to mask the freeloading.


Said co-worker is a traveler. And she had made plans to spend the last week of her vacation in California. Jenn thought this meant that she could stay in her apartment until she got back. Her vegan roommates were against this, Co-worker was against this, and after pondering this for a while, I am against that plan too. She was given the boot by the friendly vegans, and has spent the better part of the week sleeping on people's couch.

When she called, she wanted to know if she could spend the night in my house (i guess it was my turn). Because you know, I have a place of my 'own' now, a place 'big enough' for two people. She used the excuse 'i feel we are good enough friends for me to ask you'. What could I say? I hate having people in my room. In therapy when I had to draw the house of anxiety, the bedroom was the one place NO ONE was allowed in. The room was located on a floor that only I had access to. And you couldn't get in without direct invitation.

But what was I suppose to do. It's freaking 10 degrees here, and she had a closing and open shift (clopen). I too had a clopen and the idea didn't seem soooo bad because she would just be there to sleep. Right? The whole night I regretted saying yes. But I couldn't make up an excuse after the saying 'yeah why not'.

The actual 'sleepover' was fine and dandy. We got home late, talk about boys, and then passed out to the sound of that damn wind again. When she woke up, she complained that the hard wood floor was uncomfortable (i just moved in!) and that 'co-worker' lived way closer to work than i did.

I was a little annoyed with this, but she left soon after and all was returned to normal. But I think because I let her stay over she believes that she can get me to do other things for her. She works in cafe. She hates the cafe, and we all know it. But she agreed to go up there in light of the managers cross training initiative. Now, she doesn't want to be up there anymore but the managers see no point in bringing her back onto the book floor.

She apparently went to another manager today and complained about being in cafe. The manager said if she could find someone on the book floor to trade places with her than she could get back on the book floor. And guess who she came too because 'we are good enough friends for me to ask you this one favor'. I just stared at her like she was out of her mind. I have made no attempt to EVER train in cafe, and I have only hung out with her twice (including last night).

I may have given her the stank face, I may have told her that there is 'no way in hell' I would ever give up my job on the book floor so she doesn't have to be up there. Then she asked me how sure I was about not being up in cafe. She was like "on a scale from one to te-" But I didn't even let her finish. She was so serious about it, I wanted to stop her before I said something stupid. I believe she had it in her mind that I would agree to change places with her up in cafe. That I could not say no because I am too nice.'You must have gotten the wrong impression' is all I could come up with, but it was marred in snark. Marred in it.

Who does she think she is? I am peeved. So peeved, I want to clean my room of her aura. That ended even before it started. Not to bummed out about that one, but peeved none the less because I believe she tried to manipulate me in order to help herself out.

Adding to the Mix....

I got another mix cd today (thanks MaryPoppins)!

This musical extravaganza turned out amazing. I have been inside all day, reading The Hunger Games ( I took a break. negative utopia tales are daunting. even in the YA genre) and I heard the sound of a package being dropped off in front of my room. Like a twelve year ago, I waited a couple of minutes than ran to get my package.

The package turned out to be a gift. The gift turned out out be a mix cd, with a pretty silver cover and a a cd booklet. But more importantly on the back of the cd is note. A hand written one. I love hand written notes!

I've been listening to the cd ever since (jeff buckley, do I need to say more). My day has been perfect.

As the mixcds roll in, I am completely overwhelmed by everyone's musical taste and the conscious effort to make each cd a unique one.

I'm feeling a little loved here. I must admit. And I love having you all in my ears. Is that a weird sentence. Probably.

I have added cover art to each playlist. For some reason, I have been using Kurt Halsey images for each mixcd. This is the one I used for MaryPoppins. It seemed fitting.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Stop Being Such A...Girl

Marie is planning to visit me in New York sometime in march.

I do not know how I feel about this. She is my best friend in the whole entire world, and I am excited about her coming to New York. I don't think Marie has ever see the northeast. I mean she lived in Florida until she was 6, then moved to South Carolina where she lived until she was 22, and now she lives in north Carolina. She wanted to move to Wisconsin once (seriously I can't even remember that one as a state most times) but she stayed in the south, just because.

I love Marie to death, but she is not every one's cup of tea. She is brash, assertive, and has to be right even when she is wrong. Everyone hated her in high school because she would argue just to argue. In AP English she would take a stance on a subject that everyone was opposed to just because everyone was opposed to it.

By proxy, because she was hated in school, I was hated. No one could understand why we were friends. It was almost like "you are nice, and friendly but why the hell are you hanging out with her...maybe you aren't all nice...too late we hate you to now". Oh, high school.

The last year has been hard for her. Well, by hard I mean she graduated college, moved to north carolina and has no one to talk to. I feel bad for her. I Do. But, when she talks about how lonely she is in north carolina I can't help but want to say 'well,now you know how I felt in school'. This is petty I know, but sometimes she will talk about our relationship in college as if we were as close as were are now. That was not the case. She was dating the boy, and hanging out with her friends, and going on ski trips. I hung out with mike. We ate sandwiches at subway. I went to therapy.

It wasn't the same for me. We talk almost everyday now, but in school we talked once a month, and during those conversations she only talked about her boyfriend, or her amazing friends, or how awesome her school was! She never really asked about how I was doing, and to be honest I never really had the chance to.

So of course, I am less than sympathetic when she talks about being lonely n north carolina. ONLY because she equates loneliness to not having a boyfriend. She is convinced that if she had a guy it would make her situation less...sad. And this is coming from a girl who is the least girly person you would ever meet. Up until she got a boyfriend, everyone (excluding me) thought she was gay, only because people steretyped how she dresses, talks, and behaves (she likes hiking, and football)

And now, she calls me everyday, going on and on about not having a guy to occupy her time. I don't need to go into the demise of her first and only relationship with The Boy. But I think, because this was her first relationship and in all honesty she didn't think she would have one, he consumed her whole life. She got him a job at her job, she got him an apartment downstairs from hers, they had classes together, shared the same friends...it was insane. And when the broke up, he still worked with her, still lived downstairs, still shared the same friends.

It's weird talking to her on the phone, because my wants right now are so different from hers. I would like to have a boy to hang out with too , sometimes I get a case of the 'lonelies' but for the most part I am trying to sort through so many other things those are on the bottom of my list right now.

She called me the other day, with her sad voice, because the only person she knows in north carolina, has a girlfriend now. This was after he tried to befriend her months early and maybe casually date her. She turned him down though, and established a 'friends only' barrier. But now that he has a girlfriend she finds herself wanting to occupy all of his time. "he hasn't called me in two days" "should I call him" "maybe I should need another message".

I was beyond myself with aggravation, and I told her to stop being such a girl. Maybe he's just busy, maybe he is going out with his girlfriend, maybe he just doesn't feel like talking. Maybe she should start doing something about being lonely other than trying to snag some guy who has a girl because she didn't show any interest when he was single. She got really quiet after that. But it's the truth.

I mean one of the only reason she talks to me is because she doesn't have anyone else too. A part of me knows that the moment she aquires this boyfriend or friend I wil be pushed into the back burner again. Just like when we were in school.

She is planning a trip up here in march. But I fear that her real motive for coming is because she wants to inject herself into the small social life I have established here. She wants to meet McAbs, and hang out with Jenn and crap like that. But as with most things, I plan on keeping her as distant from those aspects of my life as possible, not because I want to but just because I have to. In order to establish a fine line between what her friendship means to me but also what the friends I have acquired her mean to me.

If she does decide to come, I imagine it will be a mixture of fun and stress. But she hasn't set any dates yet.

Time to read. I closed last night, and clocked in about six hours of sleep last night. I plan on reading (and maybe finishing) The Hunger Games today, listening to my ipod and eating pringles. I enjoy my life some days.

Days Go By...

I have four days off of work this week. Yikes!



Yesterday, I hung out with a girl from work. We went window shopping, stopped at the supermarket and then hung out at her temporary apartment for a few minutes. Then she came along with me to the library where I added an extra 6 books to the 7 I had at home (I returned those today. I am really addicted to the library).



Today I plan on reading some of those books, lounging in some cute slippers I found and maybe getting some writing down. I have the time to do it. So why not. The part of me that doesn't like all of this time off is worried about my paycheck next week. 3 days aren't much. My manager is an idiot and for the next couple of weeks I will have hours and then not have hours. The part of me that does like all this time off is excited because of the books I get to read, the movies I get to watch, and the sleep I get to have.



I am trying to swing in some more social aspects to my life. I am loner. I have no problem admitting this. I don't like being alone, but dammit if I don't relish in some time by myself. When I don't have to be anyone else but me.



But there comes a point in everyone loner's life, where you worry about being alone. When all you have to look forward to is nothing, because you don't have anyone to share things with. I am still struggling with anxiety. I sometimes feel like it is just in remission and that there will always be the possibility that it will come back hard core.



I am ultra guarded about my life. Or rather, some insecurities about it (and me) that I can't shake. It's weird. I can make friends, I can maintain relationships, but I always feel like I am holding something back from the people who want to know who I am. I only feel like a handful of people have a true sense of who I am (my mom and marie) and despite the positive feedback I get from them about who I am and what I mean to them, I resist being as fully present to other people as much as I am to those two



But currently this is preventing me from making any real connections to the people I come in contact with. Especially the ones who want to get to know me. This particular girl from work has been asking me to hang out for a while. She, Jenn, was the one who invited me to the hotel party for New Years Eve. I didn't go, only because I thought Josh, the one throwing it ,should have invited me. Turns out he did invite me. He asked Jenn who had my number, to ask me to come because we hadn't seen me at work in a while (different shifts) and couldn't ask me in person. But the way she asked me on the phone made it seem like she wanted me to come because she didn't want to go by herself.

The next day he came in to work a little pissed at me. "where were you last night" was the first thing he asked me. And then I relayed the whole "i didn't want to be a party crasher. I wasn't sure who was inviting me to the party" thing to him. "why wouldn't I invite you. we're friends, but i wasn't sure if I had your right number so I asked jenn to ask you to come".

My bad. How was I suppose to know.

I have to make it up to him. I told him the next party he has I will come, and be all excited about being there. Though Jenn, totally fudge up the party invite, I still wanted to hang out with her because she has been asking for a while and I like Jenn. I don't want her to think that i don't, just because I am not much of a hanger outer. Marie explains it the best: It's getting me out of the house that is the problem. It can be a challenge, but after that I'm fine.

So yesterday I spent the better part of my day off hanging with her. It was fun. I was exhausted when I came back home and did my usual crash and burn thing. But then I couldn't go to sleep the rest of the night, I contemplate getting rid of my nap hour (2-3). It is sort of affecting my sleep at night.

Today will be more like my usual day off. I returned those damn books to the library (like seriously, who checks out 15 books!), then to target for food, and now I am home in bed (shit there goes that getting rid of my nap thing).I enjoy not having any place to be today. I don't have to wake up at a specific time to head to work, or to the mall, or someplace like that. I hate not making the money but for now I am going to enjoy these days to myself. I miss them.

Bed Time

Closing was horrible tonight. Two people called out sick. The new girl Tiffany, who we all hate, (maybe because she's gorgeous. Definitely because she is a bitch) got into an altercation with a customer while she was at the cash register, and and was sent home early. Like 3 hours early. Lets just say she displayed said bitchness to a customer and he went directly to our MOD (manager on duty) and went all ape shit.

He kept calling Tiffany a 'snot nose' ( who uses that any more) and that he would go to corporate to make a complaint. I am sad, not really, to say that this may be the last of Tiffany. Once a customer requests a termination via corporate, the managers really don't have a choice. After the customer went on a 10 minute tirade about 'snot nose', the MOD pulled Tiffany off of the cash register, took her to the back and sent her home early. This means that we closed with two booksellers, two cafe people, and a manager. What the fudge.

I hate closing. After these late shifts, no matter how tired I feel, I have this weird energy that prevents me from sleeping. Because I can't sleep I eat. But then my stomach is all "you just ate something, you don't think I am going to let you sleep, right? ". I mean it's 12:30 right now, my feet hurt, my eye lids are heavy, and I want nothing more but to crawl under the covers and sleep. But I can't. And I won't and the sandwich that I have in the fridge is calling my name. And because I know I have a day off tomorrow, I will not only sleep in late but I will sleep all day. If I can.

I have no hours this week. The holidays are over, which means the hours are sparse and the stress starts to set in. I have become the wage whore I never wanted to be. Because I am clocking in 3 days this week (and one on-call shift) I have started to work on my resume, since I need to make more money and my job sucks. A year out of college, and the old resume just isn't doing it anymore. So yesterday I started fiddling with the format, finding the right words and sentiment to put on the page, and so far this thing is looking really good.

With the time I have off this week, I see it as the perfect opportunity to fill out some job applications while I wait for word (any time Max) on the Nonion internship. I have nothing better to do. Maybe I should try getting some sleep first though. Yeah, sleep. My bed is really warm, my pajama pants are somewhere and I am done with tonight and all of it's craziness.

In Retrospect

I'm 23. It's New Years Eve and I am watching the Jersey Shore on MTV. There is something not right about my life.

As we are about to enter 2010, I cannot help but think about the last ten years. On this day, I was 13 years old and in the eight grade. I was friends with Marie, Melissa, and a boy named Aric. Most likely, on this night ten years ago, I was sitting in bed preparing to watch the ball drop on television.

It was 1999. Everyone was still sort of into the Backstreet Boys, the Matrix was HUGE, and damn it all to hell I loved me some Jason Behr. It was also the year where everyone in my school thought the world was going to end. Because of Y2K and all. I remember the week before the new century, my friends and I were hanging out at school and everyone was saying goodbye to one another, but with that hint of 'seriously, this may be the last time I see you'. We had no idea what was in store for us, and sometimes I still don't think we do.

At 13, I thought I was going to be a doctor. Graduate from Michigan University, and be living with Jason Behr in our soho loft. I can't say that I though I would be here. Where I am now. I am not sure yet if that is a bad thing or good thing.

Currentty I am 23. I want to be a television producer. Everyone is sort of into Lady Gaga (who I do not, will not understand). Star Trek was HUGE, along with The Hangover. And I am all into some Sufjan Stevens. I am still friends with Marie, though I didn't stay friends with anyone else from middle school or high school. The world has not ended, I have graduated college, and ventured into the real world...all seems different and yet exactly the same.

Goodbye 2009!

I had tentative plans for tonight. The guy at work I call Toaster, invited me over to his place for a movie and drinks with his girlfriend and other friends. An hour ago, I got a call from another friend inviting me to a hotel party thrown by someone at work who didn't invite me. The latter invite sort of pisses me off seeing that I considered the party thrower a friend and am kind of confused as to why he neglected to tell me about said party the last time he saw me.

I declined both invitations. Both because I am still sorting out this being around a lot of people thing, and because I wanted my own little thing to be going on. Even if it was with a small group of friends. If Angie were still here, we would have done something small. A few friends, a lame movie, and vodka lemonade. That would have been fun.

If Marie were here, we would have ventured outside. Embraced the crowd before retreating, drank some drinks, danced some dances, and laughed. I think. I hope. I don't particulary mind being by myself on new years eve. In all honesty I have never had a 'proper one'. This doesn't mean that i am content with spendng every new years eve like tonight. I would like to be involved in some activity that doesn't include a solitary one, but that's the least of my worries as I welcome 2010 in with the biggest slice of pizza in the world and now Family Guy.

A lot has happened in ten years. Some things I'd rather forget. Others I still hold onto with all of my might. I am not going to make any resolutions this year (or the next, or the next or the next) because they seem a little contrite the older I get. It's a new year and all, but I'm the same person and I am hoping that that person propells me into an amazing life, with amazing friends, and a job where I don't have to help people find books they won't read anyway.

Happy New Year.

The Real World.

Last year, the bookstore cut a bunch of hours after the holidays. It's because one of my managers hires a bunch of people in preparation for the holidays and then as soon as Dec 26th comes along she has no idea what to do with said people.

She could fire those hired for the holidays. But she doesn't. She could space out hours fairly. But she doesn't. Instead she slashes hours like a mad women, and because of this I am clocking in, count them, 3 days next week. What the fudge. I am okay on money, but this is way frustrating especially when people who have been working there shorter than I have are clocking in five days! Five. I feel like such a wage whore, but seriously this is crap.

I am a little stressed out about the month of January. The holidays are over, my hours are going to dwindle away but I still have rent to pay and loans that need tending. I guess this means I am some sort of an adult now, whatever that means, but I am frustrated and confused and I want to quit.

So bad.

Marie keeps on me about this whole 'real world' thing that we are now apart of post school. Like a good friend she reminds me to keep writing, along with searching for jobs so I can get out of the bookstore. And in all honesty I need her to be the person who beats me up in order to get me off of my ass. But at the same time, if we are in the 'real world' now what the hell constituted the last 23 years of my life. A pseudo real world, a kind of real world, a world that I was sort of apart of but not really.

I don't know. But I am getting tired of my current situation. I feel weighed down by it. When I was a kid, my brother and I use to play at park in New Rochelle called 5 islands. The name is a given; the park was located along the Hudson River and was surrounded by 5 distinct islands. We'd go there during the summer and pretend to have these grand old adventures in the woods. One afternoon, along with his best friend John Moore who looked liked a gerbil, we decided to cross visit one of the islands.

Of course the islands were separated by water, but on days when the tide were low, you could literally walk to the islands on these barriers of rocks. It was tricky, and sometimes you would risk falling into the river but we had good balance and the path of rocks were pretty wide. On that particularly day getting to one of the islands was pretty easy, it took us about 30 minutes but when we reached the other end we felt like we had conquered some huge feat.

Once we got back on land, I decided we should try to bridge another path. Around a bend there was this huge stretch of land that no one ever played on. It look like an empty dirt lot, except with no trees or visible signs of life. My brother thought it would be awesome, John (who had a tendency of being the scared one) said he would stay behind and watch, and I was already running towards the amazing new field I thought I had discovered.


What I was unaware of at the time, is that that huge dirt field was actually wet sand, and as soon as I got 2 feet into the space I began sinking. I mean, knee deep in the stuff. At first I was like 'cool, quick sand' but then I realized the more I tried to wiggle myself out, the deeper I sank. John started screaming from afar "the sand is eating her!", my brother froze in fear, and I began to panic. The harder I tried to free myself, the more I irritated the sand. I had gone from being knee deep to thigh deep in the sand and was afraid of suffocation. It was the immobilizing moment of my whole entire life. Of wanting to free yourself from a trap, only to realize that's part of the trap.

Like Hercules himself, in one of the more heroic moments of my brothers life, he stretched his body as far as he could (without stepping in the sand) and pulled me out. It took him a good ten minutes, John then started yelling "the sand is eating both of you now!" but before long I was on solid ground and dirty as hell. When we got home my mom asked why we were so dirty, we made up some lie and blamed out dirty clothes on John (for being a wuzzy) and agreed to stay away from that part of the park after that.

I can't help but feel like I did then, right before my brother pulled me out of the sand with strength I didn't know he possessed. The moment where I was knee deep in something that threatened to consume me. It didn't seem real, I didn't seem real, the sand sure as hell didn't resemble any aspect of reality I had come across, and yet there I was being swallowed into the earth,trying to fight my way out to no avail. And it feels like that now in some way, like the harder I try to get out of it, the harder I try to lift one foot above the other, the further I sank and stopped resisting.

2010 is around the corner and I have no immediate plans for welcoming in the new year (Curb marathon, pizza, sparkling apple cider). A friend from work wants to go drinking at a pub located downtown, another wants to watch Doctor Who all day at his place. I have not decided yet. Dr Who would be interesting, but the pub serves hamburgers for 5 dollars plus a free beer. Not that I have ever gotten the beer just to eat the hamburger. Never.

I hate to be one of those people saying goodbye to the craptastic year that was 2009, in favor for the awesome that may be 2010 but seriously I hope that things will look up next year. I need it.

Retail Hell!

I have a Sunday off? Is this really happening? I am really in bed, typing away on my laptop, listening to an amazing (amazing. seriously.) mixcd surrounded by books I have yet to read from the library. Yes. I. Am and if my suckass job calls I'm not answering, because I'm not on the schedule and no I don't want to take another shift. You can't make me.

This Christmas was hell in retail world. I have almost lost my shit 3 times towards ungrateful customers. Yesterday a guy accosted me because I didn't know what book he was asking for. He didn't know either and the only 'clues' he gave me were: It was written by a reporter, it was (but is not currently) on the new york times bestseller list. When I asked him to give me a little more information he informed me that he could find someone else to help him because I wouldn't know this book if it hit me in the face anyway. So he turned to someone next to me (Virginia, who is much older) and asked her to find the book on the same clues. Like a scene from a slacker isque movie, she shook her head and said "no haven't heard of that book. Sorry" and walked away. I love her.

A week ago I went on another interview with the Nonion. I honestly don't know how I got this to happen. I quit the other internship in hopes that the Nonion internship would open again and that I could apply. I was not expecting it to open the day I wrote my dear John letter, and 5 days later I was sitting in the Soho Loft of the Nonion, gripping my resume and trying to stay focused.

Unlike the last interview, I KILLED this one. It was so good. The Guy, was late by 15 minutes and then just as I was about to sit down he got an urgent call from one of his interns. He apologized profusely for being late and then having to deal with this current thing and then ran in the other direction. Ten minutes later he came back, and promised that he wouldn't run off again, and after that I had the one of the best interviews of my whole entire life. Seriously

This time I prepared for the interview. I even half-heartily came up with an answer to the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. I was interviewed by the same guy, but if he remembered me he didn't show t. It was as if I had a Do Over. Those usually don't exist in the real world, but I had a sense that he had no idea who i was and this made me feel GREAT because he doesn't need to remember the incompetent girl he interviewed 3 months ago.

As I was preparing for the interview the night before I put into perspective the things I have liked and disliked about this year. I hate retail, I liked my internship with Lenny (despite not learning anything) and I didn't dislike my publishing internship but I don't want to go into publishing. At All. I need a balance of creativity and structure. When I was a kid my brother and I use to come up with various story ideas. This was when my brother utilized his ability to draw and I utilized my ability to write. They were Tiny Toon isque stories (outside of the super hero one we created called SUPER BIRD) but we were in depth. We would set up a studio in the living room, draft character profiles, and write some off the wall story lines. It was great.

I mean my mom still talks about those days. Morgan and I still talk about those days, and even now as 'adults' we do smaller less intensive story development sessions. I thought I wanted to be a doctor growing up but only because I like helping people. I thought I wanted to go into publishing, but only because I like reading and writing. But the more I get involved with production, the more I want to be apart of that world because I am good at creating stuff. I am good at organizing a small group of people, coming up with ideas and then seeing that idea to completion.

That's what producers do. I love producing, holy mother of saint stephens, that's what I want to be when I grow up: A supervising producer for a major television network for or on specific shows that I have either developed or am lending some creative input to. As a writer the supervising producer would work with other writers on the pre-production aspect of television development. I would be like Tina Fey in 30 Rock! That's what I want to do, that's what I want to be. Oh Yeah.

And this is what I told the guy at the Nonion (well not the Tina Fey thing). And he believed me. And I believed me, because it wasn't a lie. It is the truth, a truth that took me 23 years to discover. So after we finished our interview he said he wanted me to meet someone else! Her name is Liz (like from 30 Rock. Sorry but Ilove that show) and she works in research and development at the Nonion. 10 minutes later I was sitting down with her discussing my future aspirations. So I went on TWO interviews in one day. I feel really good about this. I may have an internship with the Nonion, getting me one step closer to the career I never knew I wanted but glad I stumbled across.

Writing is who I am. But I need a job, and a career to make it as a writer. I mean I worried that being surrounded by writing would deter me from doing so (publishing world) but being able to be creative in another way will be amazing. I should hear back from the Nonion after the Holidays. Fingers are still crossed

Now that I know what I want to do, and who I want to be working at the bookstore is more painful then usual. I have been there a year and a half. I have made friends and great contacts, but damn it all to hell, retail is miserable. The pay sucks, the hours are either too long to too short, and the customers are dreadful....dreadful. Though I continue to smile and be polite, I am over customers treating me like a third grader. I want to curse out all of them and throw it in there face that I am not the imbecile but I can't, so I don't and then I go home and sulk about it for days.

Not today though. I have it all to myself. I might clean my room, or read one of the many library books I have. I will definitely be listening to my amazing mixcd (seriously. how?), and chilling out in my room. I can't wait for this year to be over. Can't wait. I have a list of things to do to make it here and become the producer I never knew I wanted to be but that I am glad I've decided to become.

And guy who was mean to me yesterday. You suck!
.

That Was The Worst Chritsmas Ever!

I had to work today. Yuck.

I hate retail because it's during the holidays when you really realize how un-adult your job really is. Especially when people ask if your store is open Christmas Day, as if we (booksellers) have nothing better to do with ourselves then sell books to people.

I was at the cash register all day (we were open from 11-6) and though time sort of flew by I was ready to come home and crash. I didn't get out of the store until 8, which means I clocked in an eight hour day. I hope I get a really good pay check next week.

You would think that being on my 'own' for the first time would make this a depressing and lonely Christmas. But after living with a relative who ignored me for the past 6 months, having the day to myself opening presents, watching tv and eating food ( I bought Parmesan chicken from a restaurant) is going to be awesome. I am looking forward to tomorrow.

After Thanksgiving, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I mean outside of the gifts I like the feeling you get around this time of the year. So yeah,baby Jesus may have been born on Christmas day AGES ago but it doesn't mean I can't celebrate the year that I have had.

New York has a way of making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world sometimes. Outside of the shit retail job, the disappointment from family (my aunt. my aunt. my aunt), and the never ending headache that is student loans.... I have accomplished so much in my time here. And when I walk down the streets, blanketed with snow surrounded by friends who like me and family that continue to support me, I feel all sorts of lucky...dare I say even blessed.

This will be my first Christmas alone, and if all works out my last. But this year has been great, weird and interesting but for some reason i am grateful for it. I have things to look forward to next year: I went on an awesome second interview with the Nonion two days ago, I have decided what I want to be when I grow up (a supervising producer for television. More on that later) I have a roof over my head, I am applying to grad school (again), and yeah, strides, I am making them. I feel good about the future. I feel, for once, confidant about it.

Christmas is less than 2 hours away, and I am excited. My friend and his girlfriend invited me over for Christmas tomorrow, and the landlady said I could come eat dinner with her and her family.With these invitations over my head, I have that warm christmasy feeling I have not felt in a long time. Retail has a way of destroying that but regardless of the current suckassness of my job, I feel good. I know that things are going to get better, I can feel it.

Anyway. I got a very awesome present in the mail today. I didn't know if I would get it in time for Christmas but I did. I can't wait to listen to it, and then write all about my epic MixCd! But until then....

Merry Christmas.

Becks

Is Christmas Over Yet?

Seriously.

Though I have a budget for myself this Christmas year, I still feel like I have spent a lot of money on...nothing. My first paycheck since Thanksgiving lasted all but a day (thanks to McAbs bailing on me because he couldn't get me the microwave he promised, forcing me to shelve out 50 dollars) and since then I have bought presents for my mom and Marie. Not a lot of presents. I kind of forgot Marie's birthday so to make it up to her I made her a 'romance box'. I mailed her 3 romance books, a box of caramel, almond joy (inside joke based on a specific romance novel she read), pj's and slippers. I then got the usual for my mom; movie, cd, cookbook, and other odds and ends.

I wish I could have spent more. But December is coming to a close, rent approaches, and I am trying to hold on to all of my money. Christmas isn't helping.

It's not that I hate the holidays, but damn it all to hell, for one day out of the year people get all crazy for secret deals and a day of opening presents. Were it not for the spending money part, this Christmas would be okay. But I won't be home for the holidays, I am as broke as broke can get, and I am anxious about the next few months.

Life.

After sending a Dear John letter to my internship, I felt a sense of "what the fuck am I doing". Yes, that internship was not right for me but in all honesty, at this rate, no internship may be right....especially if I am not getting paid for my awesome skills. I re-applied to the Nonion yesterday because they are looking for interns for the Winter/Spring 'semester'. This could be a long shot or at least a nice second chance.

I get paid today (yeah!) and this time my spending will be under control. All i need is food and water and maybe a luxury item or two (those caramels I bought Marie looked delicious). I can't wait for Christmas to be over.

Breaking Up

So I got that internship I applied to last week and today was my first day. As I suspected I am WAY over qualified to be a non working 'employee'. The guy, who shall be called Moby because of his bald head, is uber nice and listens to cool music, and he made my first day pretty productive. I didn't get lost this time around and spent the next six hours editing middle school like reviews of plays, and updating casting information. I didn't ask for much help because I was familiar with the aspects of format and APA style and he saw no reason to check up on me because I seemed to have a hold of things.

I mailed some newspapers out, marked up more reviews with a red pen, and listened to an awesome web radio show. But I had that feeling in my stomach that I use to get at the beginning of a semester when I would realize that the class i signed up for wasn't what I wanted and that I had a clear window of opportunity to bail out and drop the course before I got a big fat "W" on my transcript. I have dropped many a class on this gut feeling, whether it's because the professor is a complete crazy person, the class is not what I expected or I know that I will fail it.

I had that feeling today. I didn't particularly hate being there, but I had a sense that wasn't the place for me. And not because Moby is a crazy ( he's actually very nice), or that the newspaper itself is a mess(it's a small print but they are surviving), it's just that after a year of being an intern I am too qualified to be their intern and they are not hiring any time soon.

I have to be very conscious of my money now (rent.rent.rent.food.rent) and unless the internship is in production (circa another chance to be an intern for the Nonion) or is a paid job, than I just can't afford to work for free anymore. It's not a possibility. I calculated that I would be spending a total of 39.50/week on this internship, excluding food. That's a $158.00 a month just on transportation. There is no compensation for travel and my days off would be obsolete.

I have made a mistake in taking this internship. I am confidant about this. If this was a year ago, and I had not had my internship with Lenny or with The Crazy Lady this opportunity would be perfect. But as I was sitting there in the small cramped office, I realized that I am no longer the girl I was a year ago and that this internship can not offer what it did then. And because of this, I have to break up with it before I am in to deep.

I hate making decisions, and I have never felt so bad about about finally making one. But I can't waste his time, my money, and someone else's opportunity. Right?

Fucking Eh, my stomach hurts. I am suppose to show up on Thursday at 11am but I feel, I mean know, that I have to do this now. Or I will stay only because of guilt. Ugh, I hate being an adult. I hate it.

Anyway

MixCD Extravaganza is now closed! I will send out my address tomorrow (via email) to those participating. I have had fun making the Cd's and composing tracklists. There is an art to it that I am still trying to get the hang of. Some have been easier to make than others, but I am on my final run of things and these puppies will be sent out this Friday! Excitement bound.

Time to break up with my internship. I wish someone else could do this for me, while I play the Sims. I'm just saying.

Mixing It Up

So yeah this post is Way over due.

Three weeks ago my friend at work made me a Mix CD. This was only after we stumbled across a book at the store called Cassette From My Ex, and fell in love with the tracklists accompanied by stories. I admitted to her as we were flipping through the pages that I never received a Mixtape and within seconds she decided she would make one for me and that I could make one for her.

A date was set, and a week later I got my very first mixcd. I was without my laptop then, damn

battery dying, so I had to listen to her cd on my DVD player. As soon as the first song started I understood the magic of Mixtapes (or Cd's). She had created something personal and reflective through music and since then I am trying to make up for lost time.

I am a deeply private person. I am secretive and elusive and for the past 4 years (can you believe it) I have tried to keep my online journal and personal life two completely different things. It's not to say that who I am on this blog isn't how I am in the "real world". In the "real world" I am nerdy, shy, silly, serious, stable and a million and one different other things. People (my family, my small group of friends) depend on me in a way to be these things. They don't know about my anxiety or bouts of the big D. I don't talk about those type of things with them.

In this journal I am allowed to express myself in a way I don't regulary get to in the "real world". I am allowed to not be those things listed above. I get to write what I feel without hearing the sound advice of my family and friends trying to put it in perspective. Here, I have control over my thoughts and feelings. Writing has always been an escape for me, this journal is an escape and in order to maintain it as my hidden place I admit to being a tad bit distant about letting those of you who read this thing into the "real world" Beckett.

So after getting my first Mix CD, I thought 'hey, what a way to connect to people I have known for the last couple of years". Hence Mix CD Extravaganza 2009! Oh yeah.

The rules are simple:

1. Depending on who wants to participate I will compose a mix cd for you, with about 12-15 songs of my choosing. The songs will be based on who you are and what I know of you. Each tracklist will different (so the songs I send to person A may not be the same as the songs I send to person B). The tracklist will be compose of songs I think a) you will like or b) that I like SOOOO much I hope they give you a better sense of who I am.

2. In order for this to be an exchange those participating have to make a mixtape for me. It would work in the same way. Put songs on there that mean something to you or that you think would mean something to me. I listen to (almost) everything but I'm really just interested in what you choose.

3. The mixtape has to have title (apparently it's that law) accompanied by the tracklist. I think the naming process has something to do with rule (or rather suggestion ) number 5. I am horrible with giving things titles and if you are like me this naming thing will seem....stupid. But Jon suggested pulling three random words (or phrases)from the songs on your tracklist giving it a unique title. It's brillant, I'd do that if I were you.

4. What I believe to be the most important part: LISTEN to the mixcd before viewing the tracklist. I think this is important because we all have biases. I mean if I were to see a Jonas Brothers song on the tracklist you could be damn well I would scuff and skip that song and in the process potentially miss out on a song that has meaning to you or that might not suck as bad as I thought it would. Like, I am not a huge fan of RPatz but he has a pretty voice. I would not have none this had my friend not put his song on my mix cd.

So listen to the CD first and then after the last song has played go and check out the playlist. You may be surprised

5. Theme it up! Well if you want. Mixtapes usually have some sort of theme to them. A mix for rainy days, snowy days, calm afternoons, Party in the USA days, I like you but I don't know how to tell you, I dislike you but I don't know how to tell you. My friend at work believes the THEME is the most important part. I don't really do well with themes (plus my theme is technically the person I am making the mix for). I will let you decide if you want to make a themed mix cd or not. No pressure here.

6. Cd's should be sent out the week of Christmas (which I believe is the 21st) at least. Shit that's two weeks ago. Okay because I was late in posting this, if you can't send them out before Christmas, at least before 2009 is up. So we have at least 2 weeks to complete and send these lovelies out.

7. The tricky part. If you want to participate (and I know who you are) send me your email address. I tried to set up a gmail account via Blogger but that didn't work. So for those who don't have my aol address I set up another a gmail account. It's everythingwas301@gmail.com.

It's important that those of you participating are people I am familar with (mainly those of you have commented more than once and whose comments weren't: You sure are pretty. Yes Audrey Tautou is!). I am providing a PO Box and all, and it would be easier making a mix CD for someone who has been reading this journal for a while. I want the mixes to be personal and plus I am wary of stalkers. So yeah, I don't mean for this to be exclusive but we are dealing with addresses here.

I have thought about creating a playlist just for the blog so that no one feels outside of the MIXTAPE EXTRAVAGANZA. But I would have to figure out how I would create a post for that.

8. This should be fun! I set out to do this because I have been documenting my everyday experiences for a while. Because of the nature of my 'blog' i have strayed away from making all aspects of my life available here. And in all honesty I probably never will. I have lost some friends (readers) because of this, and I have in the past felt guilty for not extending the 'real world' Beckett to those who have access to Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts. And even though this is the realest form you will ever get of me, I thought this MIX CD EXTRAVAGANZA could be a way for me to say "hey I do exist out there somewhere, wanna hear some cool sounds to remind you of that". It's me extending my blog hand and inviting you into life outside of this blog for a moment or at least 59.4 minutes according to someone's playlist.

If you want to join let me know. I would kind of have to have a complete list of people I need to make a MixCD for by....Monday. I get overwhelmed easily, some mixes will be easier to compose than others.

So Happy Mixing. I can't wait to hear what you have in store for me.

It's raining and it's Snowing!

I just woke up to rain, snow and heavy winds. Winter has arrived people.

I live in a old colonial house. The floors are hardwood, there is a old heater in my room and everything creaks. Everything. I actually like this because I am a hug fan of antiques. I would rather spend money on used books and antique furniture then buy literature from the store that I work at or even order things from Ikea. I like things with a little wear and tear. It soothes me in a way.

The moment I walked into this room and heard the sound of the floor creak beneath my feet I was in love. LOVE. The first night there was a thunderstorm and the wind was blowing hard. The Landlord but up some lace curtains before I moved in. And that whole night all I could hear and see was the sound of the windd smacking against the window causing the lace to rise and fall like a skirt.

I can't believe I have only been back for a week and a couple of days. My room is still just a room (I have no funds to do otherwise) and I am getting use to the silence. Though the week home was amazing, it has left me in a financial crunch. I am counting down the days until friday when I finally get paid and I won't feel as broke. I have gotten creative with spending money in the last week, it is now a "lets see how little I can spend at Target" game. Target is winning and coupons might become my new friend.

I realize that if I wish to stay in new york I will have to get a better job. It's weird. Yesterday I went on an interview for another internship. I applied to this gig a year ago but did not get the position. While I was home I saw a craiglists ad for the same internship. Trying to be protective I thought "hey why not apply again. It can't hurt". But I was surprised when he actually called me a couple of days ago and wanted me to come in for another interview.

I debated this for a while. I mean yeah I applied but do I really want another editorial gig Do I really want to potential work for a guy who didn't see me as the person for the job the first time. But yesterday I made my way into the city (and got lost for 20 minutes ) and had a successful interview with this guy. I admit it, I fudged up horribly during the Nonion interview. I was trying to be too affable and that crashed and burned. Though I am easy going, I understand now that I should probably save my personality for after I'm hired because they don't want funny on the spot. They want to know if I am capable.

And yesterday as I was more than capable. I was damn right overqualified. After I filled out an application we went to a corner and discussed the basics again. He wanted to know what I have been doing since the last time he saw me. This is where I inserted all of my internship experience. He seemed impress that soon after he REJECTED me (biter much) that I got an internship with a director he is familiar with. He sat back in his seat and raised his eyebrow when I mentioned the French guys name. "I know him he did the 9/11 documentaries" "yep that's him" "So you. Like. Actually worked with him". "Yeah"

Then I started talking about the 'production world' and what movies I worked on and he wanted to know the names so I gave them to him. And then I talked about my publishing internship which also raised eyebrows because he is trying to become published. He wanted to know about all of that crap and I was knowledgeable. It was as if I had the Crazy Lady and the French guy sitting next to me, each nodding in approval that i had taken something away from their internships.

It was then as I was going on about what I did at those places that I felt too qualified to be an intern there. I mean I am getting to the point where I may be too qualified for a lot of these internships. I should be able to look for a job now. I mean a paying one and I don't understand why I do not have a job yet. Just one real one so that i don't have to keep playing "where am I not going to eat today" game. It sucks being broke.

He said he would get back to me in a few days. I am sort of ambivalent about getting it or not getting it. I want a strong resume, and in a sense I am beginning to feel like I have one. There was this radio internship I was going to apply to. It's something I have never done before but I could learn about broadcasting. We'll see.

I am tired, hungry, and the only items to my name are some prayer flags and my laptop. I am beginning to feel like that broke starving artist. Please Friday, can you come an get here already.

Beginning. Middle. Or End?

In one week I have managed to: arrive in New York from Thanksgiving break, pack for my Big Move, Move-in to new house, work 34 hours at the bookstore, get an interview for ANOTHER internship, forget and then remember Marie's Birthday Day, and sleep. How I love to sleep.

I don't know how I made it. Even though it is Sunday I feel like I have come to the end of a very long week. There are no breaks in sight (except for Thursday which I will take advantage of) but this is my life.

I am enjoying my room more and more each day. I desperately need to personalize it. My friend at work is framing some Kurt Halsey prints for me, and because the room comes with built in shelves ,I am looking for a floor rug to buy instead of a bookshelf.

Right now the big item on my list of things to get is a microwave. Though I have full reign of the house I would prefer to have a microwave in my room. This will stop me from running downstairs every 5 minutes to warm up my hot chocolate. Apparently microwaves cost a billion dollars, and after paying rent (how adult of me) and not getting paid this week because I didn't work last week...I do not have the money for a microwave until Friday. I have been eating peanut butter and jelly for the last 3 days because everything else involves the use of a microwave.

Luckily McAbs (who I haven't spoken to in a while) said he would get me a microwave of my own Tuesday. Things have been weird between us since I put him on a pedestal. I have tried to distance myself from him as to not fuck things up between us. But I like McAbs. And not just because he has a cute face and nice arms, which are aspects of him that are nice to look at. But he's a fun guy to talk to, we joke around and I do want to be friends with him.

So today I saw him walking down the aisle and I called his name and like that we were back to our usual joking back and forth thing. I am always hungry and I mentioned that I was eating 'peanut butter and jelly' because I didn't have a microwave to use in my room. He then said "you need a a microwave" "Yes" "I'll get you a microwave" "Really?" "If you need one. Yeah".

So yeah, I may not be madly deeply in like with him anymore but damn it I'M GETTING A MICROWAVE. I love this kid (in a platonic non sexual way!). He is either bringing it to my place or I will go an pick it up from work after my interview on Tuesday.

I just got back to New York and things seem to be....going into motion. At the moment I don't know if I am coming or going, at the beginning or at the end, but it feels productive. I feel productive.

It's Oh So Quiet....

So i moved into my room yesterday.

I haven't really talked to my aunt since I got back from break. And she hasn't made much of an effort either and because of that I didn' t feel the need to tell her when or where I was moving. I left Michelle a note, or rather a picture that she will probably never know is there though.

The last couple of months have been terrible at her place. Who would have thought that silence from another human being would be so...frustrating. But it was. I would walk into the house, and she would leave the room as if I had just ruined her day. Christopher got in the habit of doing the same thing and by the end of this whole ordeal I felt ostracized.

This doesn't mean that moving into this new place isn't weird. I hauled all of my stuff into a cab early yesterday morning and made my way down the street. My landlady/housemate helped me move my bags upstairs and then she left me in my room to get acquainted with the space.

It's bigger then I remember. Her son painted the walls a nice warm color and I have two big windows to stare out. Right now, my stuff is everywhere. Soon after moving I had to go to work and I didn't get home until late because two people called out. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, because I have a thing about sleeping in unfamiliar places. I have to get adjusted to the new sounds but more importantly the silence.

It's weird living by yourself. I mean even though I am not technically in this big house alone, I sort of feel on my own. And it's weird and really quiet and I miss sounds i never knew I would miss (well except that smacking sound from my aunt and her booty call man. That sound I won't miss at all).

But I do love my room. I do love coming back to my own little space. It needs some personal touches but I do like it.

But it is super quiet.