Today's the Day

 I'm heading to Chicago today! I'm nervous as shit. I've packed and re-packed a million times. My mom has worried call about 2 million. Regardless in a few hours I'll be in Illinois and tomorrow morning the boy and I reunite after 2 months apart. 

This trip is going to be interesting if anything else. 

So wish me luck on this following my heart thing. It's impulsive and may end in heartache but it'll be a battle wound I'm okay with. 

I'll update as much as I can

~Beckett 

Update: landed in Chicago! It's effing cold but my hotel is awesome 

Got a call from Sean today!

He is officially a Sailor. A Sailor.

Our conversation lasted only a few minutes. He sounded tired and coughed a lot on the phone but hearing his voice after 2 whole months without it put to ease all of my fears concerning my impending trip.

I leave this Thursday to see him. He said he doesn't want to do much accept spend the whole weekend holed up in a hotel with me.

I am over the moon excited. I have not seen or talked to or touched this boy in a very long time and I plan on doing all of that and more with him this weekend.

This may be the best and most devastating birthday ever.

...and the frustrations continue

Dearest Sean,               

I apologize in advance if this letter is uber short and curt but i wasn’t planning on writing again due to your graduation being [    ] days away.  I am little pressed for time but hopefully you’ll get this letter before [   ] and can sort out some things accordingly. On Saturday your dad called to tell me he’d just gotten a letter from you and was surprised though happy that i am going to your graduation. He was very nice and seemed excited about the three of us getting to see you ‘cross the stage’ but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to actually see you graduate if i am not on the list of people who can attend. SO per his request he wanted me to make sure that have changed the names to reflect that your mom, dad and I will be in attendance because on your  initial form letter I, of course, am not listed. This is VERY  important and though i am pretty sure you are aware of this it would be a huge bust and disappointment if i got there and wasn't even allowed to step on the base yet alone see you graduate.
               Coincidentally your parents and I booked rooms at the same hotel and your mom and dad offered me a ride with them to Chicago instead of having to spend a lot of money on a plane. Unfortunately my ticket is non-refundable so i’m still flying up on [   ] but your dad did offer to pick me up from the airport, if the weather isn’t crappy. He said he wants to take you out for a steak dinner because it’s tradition or something so plan on eating a hearty meal after you are settled in your new living quarters. I was able to re-book my hotel under your dad’s name so i could use his AA discount so im only paying $150 for a 2 night stay instead of $180. I must admit I’m actually pretty glad your parents are going to Chicago as well because i was a little nervous about traveling by myself.

 I do feel sort of bad and weird however that your gf and her mom can’t attend. Especially because they were the two people listed on the initial form letter as your official graduation guests. Your dad said your gf was busy with school or exams or tutoring so she wouldn’t be able to make it. Which of course makes sense but it still feels a little weird being the ‘filler’ on a day that’s so important for you. Don’t get me wrong i’m excited to be invited, even if secondarily, but it is a little disheartening planning this trip knowing i wasn’t the intended invitee. I feel like the replacement prom date who wasn’t the first choice but who’ll do because it’s last minute. I wish i would have been privy to the graduation information a little earlier to save myself this last minute rush.  Cause i def would have agreed to go months in advance (and made arrangements‘) if i knew going was option. Right now the planning and packing has been a little stressful and everyone has not been as supportive of me going as i imagined.

As of now my mom, Kat and your parents are the only ones on board with me going, the very select  few I’ve told have had choice words with me and have made me feel like a fucking fool for attending. I wasn’t prepared to have to defend my decision to see you to our friends but it seems to be the case.  I hope that my attendance is because you sincerely want me there, it’s sort of the only good thing i’m riding on. Regardless of anyone’s opinion and concerns, I’m still going to go and am very excited to see you but PLEASE don’t forget to add my name to the list or i’m literally forking over [$$$$$] to see you for a minute or two. Sorry for having to send this letter to reiterate this (I mailed you a letter on Saturday before i spoke with  your dad and the post office was closed Sunday and today due to the holiday) but your parents seemed pretty concerned that i wouldn’t be allowed on the base if the names you listed on the Form Letter didn’t reflect your current invite list. 

Anyway, i am going to keep this letter short. You may have already seen that there are two letters in the package. [     ] felt bad for not writing you  so i offered to send her letter in the same package so she wouldn’t have to pay for postage. It just seemed easier to send ours together because i’ve noticed a delay in when you receive your mail and i knew if she sent it via regular mail you would never get it.  Have no fear, I didn’t read what she wrote as i want to respect her privacy and yours. If you do write her back though try not to mention our correspondence. The first thing your dad said to me was “you wrote Sean [  ] pages!” and it was sort of hard to explain that I’d written you multiple letters that accumulated to a lot of pages. I haven’t told [   ] that I’ve been writing you and I know she would give me more grief if she knew I was. She’d kill me if she knew how many pages i’ve written since you’ve been gone. So yea, try not to tell her anything.

As for getting people to send your more letters…I understand wanting to post your address on facebook but i don’t feel comfortable giving everyone access to your mailing address on a social networking site because of the provisions you have: like NO PORN. When it comes to [   ] or [   ] or [   ]or [   ] i don’t mind giving them your address because it’s one person but posting it on facebook seems like a bad idea because anyone who looks you up will have it. And it’s not my place to moderate what people can send you. I figure you could give me a list of the friends you’d like to me to give your address to (and i could email them privately) OR when you are able to have access to the computer or phone you will be able to give that information to whomever you want so my letters aren’t the only things filling up your box. I know it must be annoying to get mail from me and i apologize. I’m sure you want to hear from other people as well. So if you definitely want snail mail from your friends just let me know which option works best. For your privacy though it just seemed a little unsafe to post your business on the interwebs for any and everyone to see.

 I’m sorry if the tone of the letter is a little less “Beckett-esque It’s hard not being able to have direct communication with you sometimes and today especially it feels like i am relaying information from a million different people in this letter. In this case i wish i could just call you up and say ‘hey don’t forget this, yadda yadda yadda….’ Because it’d be a lot easier. I know this letter may come off as a little angry or frustrated in tone and i am sincerely sorry about that. I was sort of surprise though elated to get another letter from you this weekend because there is a HUGE  part of me, the only important part, that has been so happy these last 8 weeks being able to write you stupid silly letters and send words of encouragement so that you don’t feel alone while  you are away. I know how it is to be surrounded by things that aren’t familiar. I know how it feels to be alone in a strange though exciting place. And I wanted to make sure that if you didn’t have anyone else you at least had me to provide you with a  connection to home. It has given me a sense of purpose and like the journals has made me feel closer to you.

But then there is this other small part that worries that I am just filling  in again for a role that isn’t mine to step in on. And i wonder if i am setting myself up to be swept under a rug where my efforts aren’t fully appreciated. I want you to be happy but there is still apart of me that is like ‘what more can i do’ before i throw my hands up and just back off.  It’s akin to being in a group project and you are the only one who has done all the work and it’s frustrating and hard but you want to get a good grade so you take on everyone’s role despite how frustrating it is. And when you get that “A” it doesn’t feel great because you know you were the only one who put a 100% in it but you’ll never get the recognition for it. And  tonight that reality is a ache i can’t shake. After your last letter, i sort of feel like that girl in the group project and it’s bums me out a little. So i do apologize. I don’t want you to think im not grateful or excited about seeing you. Because I am. I’m hella excited.  I just wish…idk, never-mind, it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, i just want you to do well and I want you to be happy and i hope you are able to get that from the people you want to be apart of your life. Even if it isn’t necessarily me.  I hope you enjoy [   ] letter. I’ll try to get some more ‘fan mail’ so your division mates can  think and see that you’re the shit. Don’t worry about calling me if you can’t. I wasn’t even expecting you to actually write me back so i definitely don’t expect a phone call.  I’m sure there are other people you’d prefer to talk to so i definitely won’t take offense if i don’t hear anything from you until the day of your graduation. Good luck with your final tests and exams. I know [    ] is coming up pretty soon so you betta get those boys into shape because it’s all teamwork. Find your weakest link and encourage him to do better. Inspire him. You are good at this.  I know you’ll do fine, you always surprise me.  See you soon Sailor.  I look forward to graduation and a steak dinner.


Yours,


Beckett 

So...

I'm sort of going to Chicago for my birthday to see the boy officially become a US Sailor.






Holy Shit

Letters from the Midwest

Lets start from the end. On Sunday Sean called from boot camp and I missed his call because i was at work.

Cue the crying and anxiety attack.

My weekend was not as eventful as planned. Kathleen was not feeling well on Wednesday and by Friday night she called and said she probably wouldn't feel up to hanging out on Saturday which was sort of okay with me because I wanted to spend the morning in bed anyway. I still had tentative plans with my new friend at work and then I had to help my aunt pack because she is moving...once again. 

I spent much of Saturday morning watching Orphan Black and working out via my dance games on the Xbox. By four i hadn't heard anything from New Friend so i figured those plans were shelved and continued lounging in my room. Then it started snowing outside, out of the blue, and my aunt rescheduled the whole packing thing because she didn't want me to travel in the weather. 

Other people would be disappointed by three cancelled plans in one day but I was the happiest girl alive. I didn't get out of my pajama's once. I kicked ass on my dancing game and am displaying some dangerously good moves and becoming fit in the process. I don't think I've been this in shape...since ever. Getting older is awesome in that regard. There is something incredible happening to my body. I am lean and toned and things are 'falling' into place in a magical way. I love. Plus, while i understand needing to get out there and hang with my friends on my first day off in a long while, i kind of wanted to be myself.

Plans for Sunday however were still a a go. I requested to work at morning shift at  Le Sad store so i could head over to Michelle's house for the Sherlock Holmes viewing party afterwards. As the day went on though i was growing a little anxious. Ever since Sean left for boot camp i carry my phone with me all the time. Though a part of me is not expecting him to contact me at all while he is away there is another part of me that hopes that he will. And because i am not sure when or if the call will come i have my phone on me like an expectant father days close to the birth of his first child.

Of course i haven't heard anything from the boy since he left. And while i was hoping he'd reach out to me the last two weeks carrying my phone with me during work has been more of a pain than a necessity. But nevertheless it is always on me.

I had a small break around 3:30 and went to talk to my manager about changing my schedule at work. When i'm down with both i look down at my phone and there is a fucking missed call from the midwest, where the boy is training! I am hysterical when i see the missed call. Hysterical. I didn't feel my phone vibrate, i didn't hear it ring...nothing. And the one day i decided to not check my phone every 15 minutes for his call...it's Sean. It's the boy. He called me from bootcamp.

Luckily he left a voicemail but for some reason i am unable to listen to it. My phone decides to be a dick and won't let me access the voicemail at all. I call my mom and tell her how upset i am about the whole thing because i may not be able to talk to him again and i fucking missed the most important call. She tries to calm me down but i am already too far gone. I end up going to my friend at work, the very very platonic one, and tell him that i am crushed that i missed his phone call and anxious that this was my first and last chance at speaking with him. Platonic friends sees how upset i am and calmly tells me that when it comes to Sean he'll find a way to contact me. The boy is resilient and doesn't give up so if he reached out once he'll reach out again.

And for some reason these words are very comforting and i try not to let the missed call ruin my night. When i get to Michelle's house i'm a better spirits but still a little bummed. I attempt to listen to the voicemail again and suddenly it works! He leaves me a lengthy voicemail. He tells me that he is doing okay and that he misses me and that he hopes that i will write him beautiful things like i did in the journal i gave him for christmas. He says he thinks of me and that i am a constant good in his life and he thinks i'm amazing. He said all of this! I almost cry in front of Michelle and everyone else as i am listening to the voicemail ( i had on my headphones so i was the only one who could hear what he said) and i replayed it one more time just to make sure i hadn't imagined it.

He ends the voicemail by telling me his graduation is on my birthday and that i should expect a letter in the mail. Ya'll i'm so happy. I don't know why. This boy is a piece of 85% of the time and yet i hear his stupid dumb voice say my name and i'm back to feeling the way i feel about him. Though i have yet to receive his letter from the Navy i've already penned him a 9 page one in response. And i may have offered to attend his graduation in March, if he doesn't have anyone who can attend.

I know i am setting myself up for heartbreak. I know. But there is a part of my personality that is reckless. And i'd rather fall to pieces and pick myself up than not know what it feels like to be in like with someone so much everything hurts. So yea, there will be tears and disappointment. But it's a burden i am willing to take.

He said i was amazing. That i was good. He said my words were beautiful and that he wants more of them. And i don't know, but i want to take my chances with this fucked up boy, just for a little while.

The Girl Who Waited

This weekend calls for me to be social butterfly and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. At all.

Lately, the only place I enjoy being at is my house. in bed. with my finicky cat and dancing games. When I'm not at home under the covers trying to rid my thoughts of the boy, I am struggling to connect to my friends.

I am struggling.

It's weird and slightly pathetic that I placed so much of my own happiness in one person but I did. Especially someone who turned out not to be right for me in any sense. But he has crawled into my skin and I can't go a day without him being a part of my thoughts. I want plans, I want to be happy, I want to  go out with my friends and laugh but I also want him to be a part of those things.

Which even writing that seems stupid and crazy because when he was here he drove me nuts. He wasn't my guy. But when he was around I at least had a grasp on him. I always had my fingertip on the edge of him. And now he feels out of reach because he is physically, emotionally and mentally.

I feel like I have lost him. I have lost the possibility of us. I have lost a tomorrow. Cause relationships, why we keep them why we struggle to have them, are about the future. They are about plans, they are about happenings, they are about the little glimpses of a life you can see having with someone. And when you stop imaging that with a person things tend to fall a part. Cause what's the use of hanging on to something that isn't ever going where you want it to go.

Before he left it's all I kept telling him. That this life he has chosen for himself doesn't include me. I'd like to the girl who waits for him while he is sailing across the world. I'd like to be the person he comes home too. I'd like to be his reason for being safe. I'd like to be a face he falls asleep too. But I'm not. I never was.


At least while he was here, however faulty and fucked up our situation was, I saw a short future with him. I blindly thought I could show him how much I cared about him and he would come to his senses. I thought that he'd go away to boot camp and come back ready to pursue something with the me, the girl he waited. But lately, these are not the thoughts I am having. This is not a future I want to place everything on because the reality is it could not happen.

He will go through boot camp without ever contacting me. I won't get letters from him or the short phone calls telling me about his day. I wont get the invitation to graduation or the honor of standing next to my dumb sailor with a proud yet anxious smile on my face. I wont' get any of those things. I wont ever get to be a part of his now or then. And for the last 11 days these thoughts are what I've been hanging on to and mourning and missing the most about him.

It's the realization that our story does not end with me being the girl who waited and  got what she wanted. Instead it is the story of the girl who never was.

I  haven't been able to talk to anyone about Sean or our relationship or why I am so fucking miserable because a part of me doesn't want to and a part of me doesn't know how to. But lately I've been very despondent and just not myself and people are starting to notice. The other night my friend Justin, said I look sad all the time. That for the last month or so I look out of place and lonely. And I don't have a proper response to this because it's true. I am sad. All the time. And I don't know how to un-sad myself.

Luckily, my friends have been very patient with me even though I have been resisting any and all social activities lately. They know I need time but that I also need plans to pull me out of this lull. Kathleen wants us to take up archery and pole dancing next week(the latter is a long story...but it's a thing I have been interested in for a long time). I've made a new friend at work who wants to grab drinks and food this weekend. And Michelle is throwing a Sherlock Holmes party because season 3 is premiering Sunday and she is pretty obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch.

 I am a little overwhelmed by the level of togetherness that will occur this weekend but I can't pause and be sad forever. Right? I can't. And I worry that the longer I stay in this lull the less patient people will be with me. I can't risk losing the people who care about me in favor of a boy who doesn't know how.

Le sigh. Wish me luck.

Sullen Girl

It's been one whole week since Sean left for Boot camp. A whole week since he boarded a plane to the Midwest for nine weeks of Naval Training. A whole week since I tearfully said goodbye to him both in person and on the phone. And in that week I have been moping around like a person in mourning. Outside of wearing black, i am experiencing what feels like a form of grief. Everyone keeps telling me I look sad and sullen and despite my attempts at putting on a brave face, I must admit sad is the only one I've been able to wear well.

Last Wednesday at work Preacher Guy, the married manager Kathleen had an affair with, asked me if I missed Sean. The way he said it though was so fucking annoying "so do you miss your little friend..tee,hee...I bet  you miss him" that  I wanted to gauge his eyes out. It was especially annoying because he knew Sean and I were close. To what extent? no. But he knew we wanted to move in together. He knew that we were closer than work friends. He also gave Sean and I disciplinary write up this summer because our relationship was preventing us from doing our work.

So I was little more than annoyed when he asked me a question he knew the answer too. Instead, I tell him that I just talked to Sean the night before and that missing him hadn't sunk in yet. This must have unnerved Preacher Guy because this motherfucker clears his throat makes a face and says "you never told me Sean had a girlfriend, I wonder if she misses him too" followed by a dumb accusatory grin.

I wanted to cut his fucking face.

 I wanted to walk up to him and whisper that I know he , a married Preacher and manager, hooked up with my best friend because according to him "you only live once". I wanted to punch him in his fucking gut because he of all people doesn't have a right to question my relationship with Sean. I wanted to grab him by the face and tell him if he ever mentions Sean's name again I will destroy him. I will tip the scale of his well manicured life and I will take everything away from him. I will do so with my words. I will destroy him and I will not blink once when the carnage hits the walls. I will spoon feed it to him.

But I don't say or do this.

Instead, I am so caught off by what he said I stammer for words. I say 'sure' Sean has a girlfriend but it's not my place to talk about their relationship now that he isn't here. And then I spend the rest of the night fuming.

My relationship with Sean was very complicated. And luckily I don't have to explain that to anyone except myself. Outside of this blog and the friends I've made here, I don't feel the need to talk about the boy to the people I see on a daily basis. I want him and what I had with him all to myself, mainly because it's hard to describe to other people. It's hard to describe for myself.

December was one of the best and worst times for the boy and I. In November I went home for Thanksgiving and asked the boy if he could drive me to the airport. He agreed but accused me of nagging him about it when I kept reminding him that I had to be there super early so I wouldn't miss my plane. After one such argument I told him I would let him take the reigns on getting me to the airport. I would stop nagging him. He spent that night at my house, we got little to no sleep cause I was angry at him about using my phone to call his gf and in the morning he refused to leave until he got breakfast.

When we get to the airport Sean drops me off and says he has to run because his gf said he could come over to her house on a Monday of all days. I'm not even on the curb before he speeds off before she changes her mind. When I go to claim my ticket I'm informed that my plane has already boarded and will be leaving without me. I start crying and I call Sean cause I don't know what to do. He says he can't do anything for me and that he dropped me off like he said he would but that it's not his fault I missed the plane.

What the fuck.

I only had a few moments of pure panic before my fight or flight response kicked in. I hang up on Sean immediately. Went back to ticket claims, got re-routed to another plan to South Carolina and made it home eventually. When I get home my mom is pissed at Sean. My brother is pissed at Sean. Everyone at work who sent me 'are you okay, we heard what happened texts' is pissed at Sean (Because he should have never left the airport in the first place. He should have made sure I was all set to go before he sprinted. I would have missed the plane either way but I would have had support while I waited 5 hours).

 Sean called a million times while I was home but I avoided his calls and put this in the 'this boy is really a piss of shit' pile. When I arrived back in New York he was super apologetic but in the back of my mind I kept thinking 'if I had been anyone else' that boy would have got me there on time.

For the bulk of December our bad days revolved around the Thanksgiving shenanigans and other Sean is a douche behavior.  He'd do or say something idiotic that would cause me to feel replaceable or small or insignificant and I'd blow up at him because in his last month before he joined the Navy I wanted all of him and he was still only willing to give me so little.

And I'm not going to lie, I was a pain in the ass some of the days. My jealousy and envy were on an all time high. I felt like I was competing with a million and one people (mainly his gf) for his attention and care. And even when he gave it to me it didn't feel like that was enough because he'd act like our relationship was normal. But it wasn't. It was a little sexual but definitely emotional and Sean seemed to diminish the validity of how intimate being emotionally attached to someone is because I don't think he's every been emotional vulnerable before.

And even now I feel crazy because it felt like we were dating even though we weren't. We hung every day, he called every night before I went to bed to make sure I didn't have bad dreams. He spent nights at my house watching movies and internet porn. There was touching and innuendo's. There was crying and honest talk. There were missed opportunities and talks of the future. We went out with friends together, he'd pick me up at my house so we could then meet with everyone else. I hung out with his parents. We planned on spending Christmas together.

But there was also weekly screaming matches and name calling. There was the night I ran from his car and he looked all over town for me and when he found me he cursed me out in the middle of the street and drove me home. There were constant reminders, from him, that he still was with his girlfriend. His last night at work we got into the biggest fight ever, he said I was the most annoying person he'd ever met and I said 'annoying because I want you to treat me like a person".  When things were bad they were bad and when things were good they were great but there was no in-between because we weren't dating.

Before he left last Tuesday for the Navy we hung out at my place and exchanged late Christmas presents. He bought me the box set of a show we watched at his house this summer and I gave him a leather wallet with his favorite quote and a journal of my thoughts. It was a journal of everything. I told him that I loved him. I asked him to stay. I said goodbye and then he took off this necklace he was wearing and gave it to me because it's his favorite thing and he wanted me to have it. He called the next night to talk and then the day he left for Illinois he called me from the hotel to say goodbye again.

The last two weeks he was home I was in constant contact with him. And now he is gone. And it feels weird. I feel alone. I miss him a lot and no one around me is able to make whatever I feel go away. There is a part of me that wonders how he is handling basic training. I wonder if he is sleeping well, because he doesn't. I wonder if his back is okay, because It hasn't been. I wonder if how he is handling the homesickness, because he's never been away from home before. Before he left I told i worried about this most of all because he'd never been alone before and as someone who has it something to adjust to.

I keep having dumb dreams regarding the distance. I miss the sound of his voice before he wished me goodnight. I miss seeing him at work. I hate not having plans. I don't miss the feeling of being alone. Not one bit but I've withdrawn a little from anyone who has offered company. Instead i've been spending a lot of time sleeping and playing Just Dance 4. I keep looking at my phone hoping it'll ring so i'll hear his stupid dumb voice. But I know that won't happen not for a while or maybe not at all.

 Mainly I've been in turmoil because this could be it for me and the boy. However fucked up our relationship was it was...something. It felt like something and now he's going to be away for 2 months. He is going to be a sailor for the United States Navy. When he was here I barely had a grasp on him and all I can think is that when he gets out, before being deployed wherever, he won't be coming home to me. And there is a part of me wanted more than anything for me to be the person he was returning home to.

There is also a part of me that hopes while Sean is in basic training he'll come to his senses and realize that I was something good in his life. That he loves me and wants to be with my fully. Buuuuut, the realistic part of me knows he has had every opportunity to realize this before he left. I feel awful and anxious pining for a boy that won't choose me when he returns. The more probable outcome is that he will graduate from basic training, return to his fucked up flakey relationship where not much is required from him and I will be without him. And this is why I am sullen and sad. Because the longer he is gone the dimmer the possibility of me and him becomes. It feels like whatever life I envisioned for us left with him and I feel stupid that I gave him everything. I gave him all of me and it feels like I have nothing left.

I know this feeling wont last for long. But for now it's a dull ache I can't shake.

The Last of Us.

The boy is gone. Tonight was our last goodbye before he heads off to the Navy Tuesday.

I don't know how i feel right now.

Relieved. Sad. Disappointed. Happy.

I gave him a journal tonight of my thoughts about everything....everything. it was my last Christmas gift to him because there has been so many things I've wanted to say and couldn't.

It's personal and raw, unflinching and unforgiving but i wanted to give it to him so that i could be at peace with our relationship. So that if this is our last goodbye, he knows everything.

The boy is gone.

Gone.

And i'm not sure how to deal.

7 more days :(

I know this is for the better. Him leaving and such so I can reclaim myself and life. But he is making it hard. Spending this much time together makes it harder to pretend I'm ready for him to leave.

-Beckett 

Reasons I've been Away

This motherfucker has been taking up most of my free time.

He officially signed up for the Navy and we have less than 3 weeks before he is off to Basic Training.

Things between us continue to be up in the air. He is not my friend. He is not my boyfriend but he takes up the space in between and I am trying with all of my might to squeeze in as much time with him before he leaves.

I am anxious about him leaving. Despite the heartache he has put me through the last several months it will be weird not having him around come January. It's hard to explain, or maybe it isn't. I love him. Sometimes more platonically than romantically. Sometimes more romantically than platonically. I know that being around him hurts as much as not being around him. I have stupid ideas of him in my head where he finally comes to his senses and commits himself to me fully. Where I am enough and we can be together as I'd like us to be.

But there is another part of me that is relieved that once he is away I will have a much easier (or harder depending on the day) time getting over him. He has consumed my life this past year and I have put everything on hold for him. Our relationship is not healthy at all. I tend to feel insignificant around him and most of our arguments have been about this. I hate having to fight for  his attention. I hate being so dependent on him to make me feel special. But he has gotten inside my head enough where his perception of me matters enough that I have put everything on hold. So there is a part of me that needs him to go away so that I can click the "go' button and move on.

The last few weeks he has been nervous about joining the Navy. He won't tell anyone but I can see it in his face. He looks terrified and unsure. He is short tempered and trying to squeeze in as much as he can before Boot Camp. He is trying to convince himself that if the next few weeks can be filled with fun than the actuality of his situation will not matter. But it doesn't. He is going to the Navy. He is going to be deployed. He will be away from home for days that will turn into months that will become years. And people will move on without him. He will move on without us.

I am struggling to hang on to what time I have left. Last night, where this awful grainy but perfect picture was taken, we went to a bar with friends and watched wrestling. He was tired and grumpy and a little sad but I tried to lighten the mood a little. He ended up having a good time but in the back of my mind I knew this would be the last of our wrestling outings. And for every happy moment we have it is masked under sadness.

He put in his two weeks this weekend and he flies out January 6th for Illinois. I will resume blogging soon after but for now I just want to spend the next few weeks with this stupid ashat of a boy. I am composing a journal for him as a Christmas gift, detailing the last few weeks together. It's stupid and sentimental but most of my writing time has been devoted to that.

If I am not on before Christmas I want to wish you all a happy holiday season. And thank you, for sticking with me and the craziness that is my life.

~Beckett 

I told Sean I had a nightmare about hell the other night.

I told him this because we were talking about dreams and i had one about one of his cats. I then mentioned, the hell one, because it's the second one i've had this year.

He looked at me and said he knew why i was having dreams about Hell.

I asked him why.

He said he didn't want to tell me because I would get upset.

I said i wouldn't get upset. I pinky swore.

So he says:

Sean: Maybe you were visiting somewhere there. Maybe the dream is representing a place someone you love currently resides

Me: ???? who would i be visiting in hell ????

Sean: Well, you know, i mean, your best friend did kill herself---according to the bible---

Me: (complete shock and utter disgust)

Sean: You said you wouldn't get mad

Me: You just said my best friend is in hell because she killed herself

Me: (hysterical crying)

Sean: (silence)

The Halloween Party

On Saturday Kat, our friend Chantal and I attended Justin (and his gf's) Halloween party and the night was interesting to say the least.

A month ago Justin's GF, who use to work art the store, invited a handful of us to Justin's Birthday/Halloween/Housewarming Party. There relationship has evolved quicker than anything I have ever seen in my whole entire life. In the span of a year they've casually hung out, started dating and now live together in a one bedroom apartment with a cat. But they are happy and their relationship works. Out of everyone at that store they seem to have the most functioning relationship. It makes me sick how happy they are. Kidding of course.

Anyway, It became apparent that the party was an invite only sort of thing because out of the +45 people who work at Le Sad Store, only 7 of us were invited: Me, Kat, Chantal, Annoying Guy, Sean, Sean's Cousin and his gf. So I knew I couldn't bail because he only invited people he considers his friends from work and I'm sort of honored to be this kids friend.

Justin is an interesting guy. He wants everyone to think he's an asshole but underneath he's the most considerate and thoughtful person I have ever met. We became friends over shared grief ( his ex gf's committed suicide) and since then we've had a weird relationship. He constantly pokes fun at me about everything and I antagonize him back. To other people it probably looks like we just tolerate each other for the sake of work but I consider him a good friend. We've hung out at diners and gone video game shopping together. He bought me Grand Theft Auto because I was having a shitty week. I am constantly making sure that he has ginger ale around because of his bad stomach. And there was that one time we stopped to take pictures of Ferris Wheels.

He is my proof that while male/female friendships are damn near impossible they can work. So when he invited us to this Halloween/Birthday party I couldn't say no. This boy has done more for me than any other person and I didn't want to let him down. A few days before the party I told him that I was excited and nervous to be going. He asked why and I told him that I don't really do social gatherings. He then reminded me of all the times I bailed on him in the beginning of our friendship and I felt all guilty and stupid because there have been instances when I could have hung out with him and I decided not to because he wasn't Sean or Kat.

Justin asked me if I was going to be alright with Sean being there and I shrugged and said 'of course, why wouldn't I'. Of course Justin and I bought knew I was lying but he didn't press me on the subject. The last month on the Boy front has been -meh. After the yelling match in his car, we've been very cautious around each other. Though I want to punch him in his face every time I see him I try, as best as I can, to keep calm around him. I am polite and friendly. I am funny and present. I am surfacing around him. I am skirting the edge of the surface though I know at any moment I am going to fall through.

But he is a wall. A wall. Any attempt to get through to him has been met with blank stares and a cold exterior. Outside of the brief glimpse of something I saw in the car that night the boy is impenetrable. He is Sean, aloof and not too bright  And I don't expect to know what is going on in his head but I'd like a glimpse. I'd like to know he felt something. And there have been many days where this aspect of Sean has driven me crazy and I lash out at him. But because I can't say what I really want to say I end up getting angry over something small and blowing it out of proportion.  Most nights I go home after an interaction with him and I am a mess of tears and anxieties.

And i guess my behavior and hurt feelings stem from the fact that he was my first Boy and I miss what he was before shit went down. I miss how it was before he rejected me. I miss feeling the potential and possibility with him. Because it was there. It's hard to explain and even write without getting a little upset. I don't ever want to belong to another human being. That is unrealistic. But that doesn't mean that I don't wanted to be needed by someone. it doesn't mean that I don't wish to matter to someone wholly. And in some weird way i wanted companionship with Sean. I wanted him to be my other half. I wanted him to be my significant.

And love/attraction/affection it makes you delusional. It enables you to create things from scraps. It amplifies moments and feelings and emotions that you otherwise would not validate or put so much weight into. It shields you from darkness, if only for a little while. And because of this I didn't care how messy my situation with Sean was because out of the scraps I had something. And up until him, I didn't have anything.

So yea, the last few months have been hard. Harder than I'd like to admit. Because he not only rejected me but he rejected the 'us' i envisioned. He blew the scraps I was clinging to right out of my hand. So naturally when Justin told me he invited Sean to the Halloween party I mentally and emotionally panicked. Every irrational fear popped into my head: that he would show up and ignore me, that he wouldn't show up but mainly I worried that he would bring his GF. Because while I am pretty sure he has made up every thing about her, her existence makes me nervous. Recently I've been having dreams about her, except in them she is always a ghost or a shadow or a person we talk about but who isn't real. And in my waking life I have been curious about this girl because in my mind she is either awful and Sean is a fucking liar. Or she is...better than me. In every way.

Nevertheless, I was prepared to go to the party,fears aside, and just have a good time with my friends. This year was easy on the costume front. I decided to be cat woman (or my version of her) and spent less than $40 on the costume. Kat went as the female version of Rick Grimes from the walking dead and Chantal decided she would be a slutty vampire.

On Saturday as I was getting dressed Sean called and wanted to know when I was going to be there. At the last minute he decided he wanted to go and that he fixed my whip for the costume (long story) and would bring it to the party. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a little bit excited that he was going to be there. Cause I was. But I promised Kat that I wouldn't ditch her to hang out with him all night and to be honest with how things have been I didn't want to give him any attention.

We showed up at the party an hour late (short story. we got lost) and then awkwardly waited outside a house we weren't sure was his. One of us called him and told him to meet us in the driveway and a few minutes later Justin and Sean came outside to greet us. I was sort of surprised to see Sean come out with Justin to meet us. He was dressed in a Star Trek outfit and Justin as a character from the game Bioshock. Sean seemed very glad to see 'us', Justin gave us hugs and then walked us up the driveway to his basement apartment.

The house was packed with about 10-15 people and I naturally found my place in a corner. After a few introductions here or there, drinks were poured and chattering began and I tried to 'ignore' Sean or at least let his face blend into the crowd. But after about 30 minutes of socializing talking to a girl dressed as an adorable leopard, I couldn't help but look around to see if I could spot Sean in the crowd. But it wasn't that hard to find him. As soon as I turned my head away from Adorable Leopard I catch Sean sitting on the edge of the couch, drink in head, starring directly at me. Like intensely.  As if he was lost in the sight of me. I am not exaggerating this. I wish that I was. I'm glad that i'm not. He was starring so hard I thought maybe he had willed me to turn around with his brain.

He was starring at me as if he was surprised by the sight of me. It's hard to explain. It was impassioned and direct so much that that i forgot Adorable Leopard was talking to me. He quickly realized that i'd caught him staring and turned back to the group of people he was talking to. I turned to Kat to see if she'd seen what I saw but she didn't. A few minutes later I am grabbing some cookies from a table and Sean finally approaches me to say hello. He's all flushed (probably from the alcohol) and wants to know why we were late. I tell him that we got confused and ramble on about google maps not being as accurate as we wanted. But he isn't paying attention, not really, because he can't stop starring at me. I ask him what's up and he mumbles 'oh, nothing, I think your cat ears are crocked". I tell him to fix it for me since I can't see what my ears look like and he fumbles so badly I end up just removing them from my head the rest of the night.

He says he has something for me and then goes to grab this target bag in the corner of the living. He fixed my whip, as best as he could, and says he hopes it works. I, of course, am excited that the boy stuck to his word when he agreed to fix it and I show him the holster on my hip that I can latch the whip to. The rest of the night is very muted and weird between us. A group of us settled into Justin's living room to watch the queue of Halloween movies. His couch can sit four people so Kat, Chantal, Leopard and I take our rightful spots. There are a few random chairs scattered throughout the room that Sean and Annoying Guy (who gets completely drunk) sit at.

I am sitting on the end of the couch, closest to Sean's chair and he is quiet and reticent during two movies. Kat keeps poking fun at him because Sean is more awkward than she expected. I tell her to stop and then I turn to him and ask if he is okay. He says 'yes' and then looks at the screen again. I ask him if he is having a good time, he says 'yes' and then turns back to the screen. Chantal gets up to go to the kitchen and grab another drink. When she leaves Sean 'casually' moves from his chair and next to me  on the couch but doesn't say much of anything. He asks what I am drinking and I let him smell that vodka/cranberry mix that Chantal made for me. He asks if he can have some and I let him and then he settles back into the couch while I watch his face for any reaction.

When Chantal comes back Sean doesn't want to move but she threatens to kick his ass if he doesn't ( she is much bigger than him), so he gets up and returns to his seat. After awhile I want to go outside for some fresh air. Sean says he'll go with me along with his cousin Steve (who i'm good friends with). Sean is a lot more comfortable and lively outside. We are out there for about 10 minutes when I say that I want to go back inside because i'm cold. Sean and I start making our way to the apartment when Steve asks if he can have a few minutes alone to talk to me. Sean shrugs and says sure and goes inside.

He wanted to talk because a week earlier I was having a shit day at work (he only works the weekend there and put in his two weeks just recently) and I cried in front of him. He asked if everything was okay and I said 'kind of' and then I told him that I was having an issue with a person I trusted. He asked who the person was. I said I couldn't tell him. He guessed that the person in question was either Kat or Sean based on my relationship with them. When I ruled out Kat he seemed kind of surprised that Sean has been the root of my anxiety and depression. He asked why and I told him that I couldn't get into because he's Sean cousin and because the situation is too complicated to explain. I'm not sure if Steve knows what I am alluding to but he seems to pick up quickly. But I am surprised by what he says next.

He goes on to say that he knows that Sean has feelings for me (what?!?!?) but that Sean is hiding behind his relationship with his girlfriend, that is in fact as shitty as I suspected. Steve goes on to say that it isn't even a real relationship but a half assed one that they are both sort of hanging on to out of convenience. He said that Sean is confused about a lot of things, especially what he wants and what is good for him. He then says that I am smart and talented and funny and independent and capable of thinking on my own and that his girlfriend (that one that I am supposedly less than) is none of those things! None of them! But because Sean is so stuck on the idea of her he doesn't listen to anyone around him when they tell him that what they have isn't healthy or normal. Sean has gotten so use to the routine that he is blinded by it. He can't see the good because he's never had it and it frightens him that he could with someone that is not his girlfriend. That someone being me.

MIND FUCKING BLOWN!!!!!

I was too wrapped up in the 'Sean likes you' statement at the time to take in all the other stuff he said but now of course I have analyzed the shit out what Steve said and I am as confused as ever. But also relieved cause Sean's a fucking liar and I am not crazy. Everything he said in the car was defensive

I ask Steve what i was supposed to do if what Sean says and how he feels doesn't match up because i can't wait for him to get his mind straight. But Steve didn't really have an answer for me. He said one day Sean could wake up and be a man or that he won't and he'll keep playing part time relationship with awful girlfriend and making bad decisions and lying to himself cause it's easier than admitting the truth. He said that I should stay away from him though, create distance, not be available to him if he can't be fair to me. He said also said that Sean has a lot of issues unrelated to relationship ones. He is immature and selfish and angry and that there are better guys out there. Especially for a girl like me.

Of course the moment i want Steve to keep telling me things that Sean will never ever say, Sean comes back out and says he has to drive Annoying Guy home because he is stupid drunk and making an ass out of himself. Steve and his gf decide to go with them and when they leave the party i am suddenly overcome with relief and sadness (he calls again, later that night to apologize cause he forgot to give me something else that he thought i'd like for my costume. It's a skull and cross bracelet). What am i supposed to do with this bit of information. A part of me has been jumping up and down like a dumb schoolgirl who just got the news that her crush likes her back. But the other part of me realizes that this boy may not be good for me. He can be awful. He is not nice and worse he continues to lie to me and himself about our relationship.

I refuse to wait around for him. He is using these last few months before he goes to the navy to 'enjoy' himself but 'telling Beckett that i like her' is not on the list of things and the last few days I've been acting weird around him because i know the semi-truth. On Sunday we went to the Bronx to watch wrestling again. This is the first time we've been back to that bar, alone, since July and i was nervous. And he seemed nervous as well. All the other girls there were coupled up with their boyfriends and Sean and I were afraid to even touch either. At one point i went to grab my jacket and I accidentally touched his thigh and he damn near had a heart attack. He asked what i was doing, I told him i was cold, he then moved his jacket over his legs and wouldn't look at me for two matches.

Even if things don't work out with me and this boy, I feel robbed that we haven't had a chance to see what 'us' could look like because he's too scared to act on his feelings. And I'm not brazen enough to put myself out there again.

Pictures from this Weekend

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

Crazy.

And attending Comic Con was just the small end of it. I promise i'll post a real entry soon. I am doing surprisingly well if not slightly overwhelmed and tired. But generally...okay.

Here's a few pictures from this weekend. I may need a whole month to recover:

More to come!

Notes on a Breakup

he clinched his fist and suspended them over the steering wheel.

 

he clinched his fist. turned to me, teary eyed and angry.

 

i’ve never seen some one so determined not to strike another human being.

 

i could see it in his face. he wanted to hit me.

 

and his restraint not to do so scared me.

 

I could see him trying to remember why he wouldn’t.

 

I could see him measure why he should.

 

'i don't understand why you're so mad' i say, delicately, with ease, to diffuse the situation.

 

There is a pause. A break. Followed by silence.

 

He turns his face away. His fist now uncurled.

 

'because you have gotten in my head' he finally says 'you've gotten in and i need you to get out'

 

[break]

 

'you pretend as if i don't think about you—-fuck—i don't want to do this—fuck get out of my car—all the time Beckett--i wonder if you are okay, if you've gotten home safely, how you've slept—-fuck get out of my car—-get the fuck out---i hate you—-i worry about your dumb cat—-i want to—-i can't do this—— '

 

[break]

 

'and now you're saying i'm the reason you want to go away'

 

[break]

 

‘I’m the cause of all this’

 

[break]

 

'if you are lying to me right now'

 

[break]

 

'how did you think it would make me feel—i fucking—swear to gawd— to hear you say you'd rather leave than be near me'

 

‘what is it about me that—Beckett, get out of my head--- I can’t do this—you are killing me—”

...that time i made Sean so mayad i thought he was going to rip my heart out...

A few weeks ago, mid August, I tearfully called my mom and asked if i could come home for a few days/weeks/months...forever just to get my mind straight.

The last few weeks have been well, a roller-coaster of emotions. I am either okay and managing or a hot mess of anxiety and tears and not managing well. There is no in-between.

On the okay days, I am able to just be in the moment and enjoy things. I now work semi-full time at the university because Heather (the girl i worked with) got a new job and until they find a replacement I am working more hours there. And I like my job on this campus. I like my office and my view. I like the people I work around. And the cafe serves the best grilled chicken wrap ever.

On the okay days, I surround myself with goodness. I have supportive good friends who enjoy late night trips to this hole in the wall diner as much as i do. I have my video games and my books and music. I have my trips to the city and cute clothes. Fall is here along with the return of my sweaters. AND the orange cat FINALLY sleeps at the foot of my bed. Two years later and he finally sleeps with me. On the okay days, I am happy. I am surfacing. I am okay.

But those days are far too few in numbers. For every okay day there are a handful of fucking awful ones. Le Sad store has literally become the worst place ever. Management sucks. Every week someone is getting fired and the new hires are so young it's embarrassing. Annoying Cashier and his Annoying Gf broke up two weeks ago, she quit a week later and now we are struggling to cover shifts. And everyone else is just miserable. Absolutely miserable.

My insomnia has hit an all time high. Some days I work a double at Le Sad Store and the University and I am worn out by the time I get home. But despite how tired I am I can't fall asleep. I have developed this irrational fear of falling asleep, the process I mean. So it takes me longer than usual to just let sleep take over. I am also not eating well which has resulted in me losing a lot of weight. And people commenting on my weight loss only makes me even more self conscious about it.

To top it off I feel sad and anxious all the time. I am moody and cranky and have been down right bitchy to people. I feel disjointed and not like myself. It's as if some thing has crawled under my skin and is sucking the light out of me. I feel grey. Without hope and it's awful. I haven't felt or been myself  since the summer shenanigan went down and it's killing me. I didn't think a boy could fuck with my head and self worth so much, but alas, Sean has done it. He has dug a hole in my head and I can't get him out. 2 months later and I can't let go of any of the things he said to to me. Some days we are friends, and it is easy being near him. It is easy falling back into the comfort of our relationship. It is easy loving what he has to offer: attention, immediate and selfish attention.

But that is not enough. Especially after what went down. Cause most of the time, the other days, a friend is the last thing i want to be to this boy. When I am around him i feel low. I see him and I immediately hear the awful things he said to me. Every-time, it doesn't fail. I see him and i feel ugly. I feel small and not like a person. I am ugly and gross. I am not enough. I am something to be used and then discarded. And because of this, while I want to forgive him ,I don't know how because what he said has changed me. It has left me vulnerable. It has damaged something. It has chipped away at some part of me that was important. And i am never going to get it back.

Sure, i will get over it. Sure i will move on. Sure i will find a nice boy who likes every single part of me. Sure i will only surround myself with friends that respect me. But there will always be a part of me, who was that girl in the car, being told by a boy she really really liked that she wasn't good enough. I will always hear: 'you don't have to worry about me cheating on my girlfriend with you because she's like 'it' for me. She's all the way up here and i'm sorry but you just aren't'. And it won't be a huge part that stays with me of course but that feeling of invalidation and rejection will be there. There will always be a part of me that catches myself in the mirror and thinks 'i'm just not'  and i'm not sure how to get over that. I'm not sure how to stop hearing him.

I have this sense that people think (cause i've told my closest friends) my hurt feelings stems from the sexual part of our interaction and subsequent rejection. But that's not the case. I let this boy into parts of me that not even my mom and Kat have had access too. I've let this boy see aspects of myself that were not sexual and he invalidated that part. I'm okay with getting naked in front of him.I was okay with the  shower and the touching and the closeness (despite how strange it was). I didn't care that he wanted me to sleep on him.What I cared and still care about is afterwards when he could have just been fucking honest instead of being a coward. Instead of just saying 'hey I've always wanted to see what you look like naked. Hey i like having you around. We can't be anything because of the gf situation..."

Instead he said he was never interested. That friends use friends all the time and that's what he did. And I can't get over it. I can't. I don't think i ever will. Not because it was any old asshole telling me this but because it was Him. It was Sean. And what's worse is that I allowed all of this to get this far. I didn't care about the signs. I didn't listen to the advice. I went along with this bad relationship because I wasn't use to someone seeing me. I wasn't use to a boy thinking I was pretty and interesting. I liked being wanted. I craved his attention because it gave me worth.

So i invited him in. I gave him access to every part of me.And in an instant he broke me. He made the last year, and everything that has happened between us, seem like one big joke. And it has destroyed me, how easy it was for him to do it. He has broken me. And every time i see him, every time he comes around he triggers my anxiety and i feel worthless all over again.

And because of this I wanted a break from him. A physical one because it's hard going to work and being around him and feeling all those things and then having to go home and let all of it settle inside me. Its been hard. So i asked my mom if i could come home for a bit. Just a week to rest and not be in the environment that has suddenly because caustic and unreliable. And of course, she said yes. She said i could come home where she and my brother and my bed and home-cooked meals and the slow comfort of my small town life would be waiting for me.

So i took five days off from Le Sad store and intended to be in South Carolina from September 18-24th. Of course at the the last minute I decided I would save my travel money to go home for Thanksgiving because I couldn't afford to go home in September and for Thanksgiving but i still decided to take a break from Le Sad Store. I decided I could still use those days to re-group and center myself. This whole week everyone has been wishing me a safe trip down south and even though i wasn't going home I've said the whole 'yea, thanks, i look forward to being away for a bit'. Because it's the truth. I look forward to not being at work.

But Sean has been increasingly annoying about my vacation time this week. He'd say things like 'i'm happy you're going home. You deserve a break", and from anyone else this would not have unnerved me. This would not have gotten under my skin. But because HE is/was the reason i choose to go away and it cut like a razor whenever he'd ask me about my vacation. It did. My last day at work was Tuesday and I was in not in the greatest of moods. A few days earlier Sean came at me aggressively about his birthday gift ( i bought him a ticket to New York Comic Con this year. They began mailing the tickets two weeks ago and because his ticket is being mailed to me He came up to me last week as i was talking to a friend and said "where is my ticket. I kind of need it. Everyone I know has there tickets and I kind of need it, like now'. I was taken aback because he wouldn't be going this year if it weren't for me and he looked as if he was accusing me of not giving it to him on purpose. I didn't have it of course, which i told him, but by them he'd already triggered so many emotions i couldn't deal the rest of the night), I was not nice to him after this because of obvious reasons and have spent the better part of the week regretting that even when i was the most mad at him I wanted to give him something nice. And even then he didn't appreciate it.

Anyway, Tuesday was not a good night and by the end of our shift, I said 'i'm so fucking happy to not be here for a couple of days. I'm stressed and I can't deal and I need to get away from here". So Sean says 'hopefully you'll have fun in North Carolina. Isn't that where you are going on vacation?". And I lost it. I lost it. I turned to him slowly and said "it's South Carolina and you know the reason i planned this getaway was because of you, right?. I'm not going just so i can see my mom and brother. I'm going because I needed to get away from you. I needed time not being around you, so i'd really appreciate it if you stop wishing me a happy vacation when that's not why i'm going"

And guys, this comment set him off. I have never, in the whole time we've known each other, seen him so upset. He asked me if i was kidding. I said no. He asked me again, if i was serious. And I said yes. I told him the truth. That I requested time off from work because I couldn't deal. Being at work and seeing his face and feeling all the things i'd felt was damaging to me and I requested time off so that I could escape him for awhile.

And he gets really quiet. And his face gets red. And he looks dangerous. Unrecognizable. And I am a little scared. And he asks me to get away from him. Violently. He can't believe I would say that to him. He can't believe that I would do that to him. I am such a bastard. A bitch. What am i trying to do to him. And i'm a little confused because it is seriously the most honest thing I've said to him since shit went down and he is malfunctioning in front of me.

When we get to his car, because of course we have to finish the conversation, he is pissed. He is fist clinched and red eyed pissed and he is demanding answers from me. Did i really take days off of work because of him? Is he the sole reason why I've been feeling like shit? How did I think he would react to finding out that he is the reason i'm leaving? And I'm not sure if this realization is a good thing or bad thing. He keeps asking why I am doing this to him and I don't know what he means. And he says that it makes him feel like SHIT that he could cause so much, not pain, he doesn't say pain, but it makes him feel like Shit that i'd rather leave the state than be near him.

And then he kicks me out of his car. He asks me to leave. But of course I don't. So then he asks me to give him examples of what he could have said or done that has made me hate him so much i'd leave because of him. And while I can write the words, I can't say them to him. I don't know how to verbalize it. Because he'll take it the wrong way, he always does. He'll think that because he said he wasn't attracted to me my ego is bruised and now i'm just pouting like a spoiled girl.

Instead what i want to yell is that i'm upset that he didn't choose me. I showed him all of me and he didn't pick me. He didn't validate me or our relationship. He let me down. He disregarded me. I wanted to be apart of his life and he in some way shut me out.

We end our argument on a sour note. He asks what will happen when i come back and i tell him i don't know. I ask him the same thing and he says he doesn't know either. But my words, like his, has changed his face. He looked broken and out of sorts. He said I got into his head and fucked the contents up. He said I was right and that has made him feel awful. And when we say goodbye this time it feels final. It felt final and while i know it's for the best, it feels fucking awful.

What Had Happened Was...

First step to mending a broken heart....destroy every last thing Sean ever purchased/stole for me.

This week has been rough. Standing behind me decision to distance myself from Sean makes me feel fucking crazy. I know that this boy does not need to be a part of my life. I know that i need to move on. I have been playing it cool really well these last few shifts at work. I am polite but i keep my distance. I am friendly but not his friend. He asks how I am doing. I say fine, thanks, and I walk away. I do not look for him at the store so we can talk. I do not wait to take my break with him.

I am treating him like a co-worker. And while he has noticed this change in affect towards him he seems for the most part okay.  He is as unaffected as a robot, which drives me crazy. And this past week of playing it cool around him has not gone super well. I am able to be nice and polite when he is around but i as soon as i get home I fold into the covers and cry like a pathetic loser.

Last night was unusually rough. I just couldn't handle working with him. Annoying Guys girlfriend came back from her weekend long vacation and Sean and her spent the whole shift talking. I felt jealous and angry and replaced. I tried to hide my disdain but lost my shit one of our security guards asked if Sean and Annoying Guys gf were dating because he'd seen them chatting it up in the kids department.

Rational me would have been annoyed by this (because i loathe annoying guys annoying girlfriend) and brushed the comment aside. But irrational me is a crazy bitch. I loathed Annoying Guys Annoying Girlfriend. She hates Sean. Why the fuck are they all close and friendly. Why they fuck did he follow her around like a lapdog. Why isn't he trying harder to make amends with me instead of fucking around with her. I told you, irrational me is a crazy stupid girl. So of course I fumed the rest of my shift. I left work in a huff, jumped into my friend Justin's car and cried on the way home.

I immediately relayed everything to Justin in my driveway. He is a very very platonic friend. He is also the most neutral person I have ever come across. He sees both sides to every thing and I needed to tell someone outside of the Sean and I drama. I needed an observer. Outside of Kat and this blog, having to keep this all to myself is killing me. Literally it is eating me alive.

I have felt crazy because I am unable to just 'move on'. I want to move on. A part of me wants things to return to normal while the other part of me is okay with that not happening. But I want this boy to feel like the piece of shit that he is. I just want to see it once and it'll make me feel better. I don't want to see him hamming it up with people at work while I am dying inside. I don't want him laughing and having a grand old time while I am sad and disjointed.

But because he is sub-human, it's like throwing punches at a wall trying to make him feel anything. I on the other hand have the disease of the FEELS. I feel every single fucking emotion like i am getting paid. When I am sad, i am doubled over in my pillow sad. When I am anxious I am skin crawling shaking anxious.

I feel used and disrespected by this whole ordeal. I feel ashamed. Worst of all I feel wrong about a boy I really liked. I feel sort of like an ashat for ignoring all the warning signs. I feel stupid for thinking he could be anything short of an asshole.

And Justin listened patiently. He seemed at a loss for words at first but then presented his neutrality to me. I could either accept that the whole thing was fucking weird and that Sean's an asshole and move on or accept the bath/shower thing for face value, that I got to see my crush naked, shit went down and move on.

The gist of it...move on.

Then when I told him that it was hard to do because I want to punch him in his face every time i see him, Justin suggested I take my anger out elsewhere. To find something, break the shit out of it, repeat until i felt a little better. But afterwards I'd have to find a way to move on.

And so 3 hours later, i decided to take his advice. I found myself sitting cross-legged on my floor with this Bioshock infinite game in my hand. Sean bought it for me for my birthday a month after the actual date because he was too busy. He then broke the first disc (it came with four. 2 being the actual game, the other ones were extra content) by accident when I was at his house and we decided to play it there. For the last few months I have held on to this game I can't play because HE bought it for me. It was the first thing he ever bought for me that I didn't have to ask for.

It was the first thing I needed to destroy. And sure i felt crazy as fuck ripping the living shit out of this box set but it was a little therapeutic. This is going to get easier. I know it will. It has to. I have survived worse. I keep telling myself this. I have survived worse from people who actually meant something to me and who i meant something too. I will survive and move past this. I am certain of it.

~Beckett

And yes, cleaning up the mess was not as fun. I think there are still shards of plastic on my floor.

Cold War Standoff and Other Fun Shennigans

In 10 years i'll be able to look back on my relationship with Sean and laugh that there was ever a time where I honestly liked this boy. That there was a time i considered a 101 different possibilities with him. Cause after the last four weeks I think i'm finally getting that he isn't the boy i needed/wanted him to be.

I sent him that email soon after I finished typing it up around 3am Wednesday morning. Everything I wanted to say I managed to say. I left some things out obviously. I also downplayed my crush on him but I was truthful about everything else. The main thing i wanted to  get across to him was that I've been really respectful of his boundaries. I have never done anything outside of daydreaming to assert my feelings. And honestly his reaction to that weekend and his low blow comment was the issue.

I wasn't sure if he was going to respond or what he would say if he did. Because of this I didn't get much sleep that night/morning. I made plans to head to our local farmers market with friends at noon but of course I was late. I spent much of that trip replaying what I wrote. When I got to work at the University I checked me email several times but there was nothing from him. I'm not sure what I was expecting anyway, the boy barely responds to my text messages but i figured because he asked me to write him he would get back to me.

Around 5 I finally got his response. Prepare yourself for how thoughtful it is:

i want you to know that i read your email in its entirety. you have given me more to think about than i was thinking about before. i feel terrible that i have abused your trust in me. i want you to know that you have been a better friend to me in four years than most of my lifelong friends. the problem in my point of view as well as yours is that my attitude is for lack of better term, 'sub-human', most of the time. i AM sorry. i am not as articulate or thorough as you are so for now i will say no more.

That's it. Nothing else. It couldn't have been more generic. And what the hell does sub-human mean? I spent about an hour googling it and I still have no clue what it means. I concluded that it doesn't mean you can treat people like shit because your thought process regarding situation is less than human. I don't understand.

Needless to say I was not thrilled by the response. I mean, i'm happy he wrote me back. I'm glad he read the whole thing. And to be fair he has apologized several times these past few weeks in his own weird way. It's just not how i'd go about apologizing cause i'm more empathetic and sincere. And He isn't. He's subhuman. Whatever that means. When I got to work Friday, I wanted things to finally resolve themselves. At first we attempted to make light conversation. I wasn't expecting him to bring up our email exchange but a part of me was waiting for him to call a truce. He didn't. Instead we spent the night smiling weakly at one another. It was weird.

As we where cleaning up the store I bumped into him in the breakroom. He looked at me and made a weird cat purring/growling noise followed by a grimace. I looked at him and said 'really, we haven't spoken all night and that's all you have to say'. This motherfucker smirks at me, begins to walk away and says "yea, i guess it is". This flippant reaction infuriates me. I am infuriated. For everything he has put me through I am enraged that he seems mad and dismissive towards me. When we get outside we are arguing like a weird married couple. I ask him why he's mad. That he does not have any reason to be mad. He says he's not mad but i've been ignoring him all night. I'm the one who is acting immature.

We then start arguing through squinted eyes and closed mouths. He asks if I got his email. I replied that I did but i didn't get much from it and that after tonight he could have just written 'go fuck  yourself' because if this was his attempt at making things better it's shit'. He gets angry and says 'that's what you got from my email. Go fuck yourself?' and because i'm mad i'm like 'yep, that's what i got". But then instead of getting angry, he looks generally exhausted. He looks just exhausted and he asks me to 'stop. just stop doing this'. And while i am heated and want to beat the shit out of him i'm sort of taken aback to hear him say this.

I tend to hold grudges for a while. I am stubborn and my thought process can be very narrow. It's been a month since "rumble in the bronx' gate and there we were still talking about it. There I was still wanting an apology i realized I was never going to get. I have been clinging in anger rather than sadness. And it's not to say this boy isn't wrong because he is. If he is not attracted to me than none of that shit should have gone down. If he is attracted to me none of that shit should have gone down with him having a girlfriend. But on my part though I could have said no. But i didn't want to appear like a prude, I didn't want to give the impression that i wasn't interested and I didn't want to be like his gf who doesn't like being around him. So i participated with little hesitation. But I still participated. I went along because I wanted to even when I felt it wasn't normal.

But we have been unable to resolve this mess because of me. And for the first time since this all went down, i realized I didn't want to do this anymore either. I'm as exhausted. I can't sleep. I can't eat. My mind is consumed with this situation. I want to be right. I want to make sure that i am not crazy in thinking what we did and what he said afterwards is a crock of shit. I have been embarassed by the situation. That i've put so much into a boy who turned out to be what everyone warned me about. My ego has been bruised. And that is what i've been clinging on to but it's wearing me thin. And in that moment I saw it was doing the same to him.

Because Sean was going to a movie after work and I was getting a ride from a very patient co-worker I couldn't stick around and respond to him. I started walking away and he said i could email him again if I wanted to. I said i'd think about it but I didn't write him one that night. I was too tired and confused by the whole night. When I woke up though I decided that i'd had enough as well. That despite wanting to make this boy feel like the shit that he is, being the bigger person is sometimes better than being right(even though i am).

So before I went to work Saturday I penned him what hopefully has marked the end of my drama between him:

maybe for the time being email will be the best way to communicate for while. And don't worry this one will be a lot shorter than the last. I promise. I'm sorry last night was sort of a disaster. I wasn't ignoring you (entirely) but i'm not going to lie and say i didn't try to keep my distance.I appreciate what you said in your last email and though we express our feelings differently, I know that you feel terrible about what's gone down between us. Subsequently i feel terrible for holding a grudge and being unable to understand your POV. I googled Sub Human and I still don't think I understand what that means but i assume it explains why you see things they way you do. But I happen to be all human, it's just who i am. I feel the way i do, i react on emotion and I want things fixed they way i want them. I'm a selfish prideful human being what can i say. But it doesn't give me the right to be a dick. Up until last night I was hoping everything could be resolved with a simple head nod and hug it out but realistically it's just going to have to work itself out on its own over time and i'm sorry if i'm pushing things. I can't push time and I can't push how we resolve this and I especially can't push you. You're never going to know how i feel, you're never going to know how I think and the same applies to you, I can't pretend to know what your feeling or what your thought process is just because i want to be right about my own.

 

A part of me wants so desperately for things to be normal again that I get upset that its not. It just feels weird not being able to talk to you and go to you like I use to. It's feels abnormal. It feels...dare i say... Sub-normal? But i def don't want work to be our battleground because of this. I respect our friendship more than that and work should be the last place where awkward and tense filled interactions between us occur. We're better than that. So even if our conversations in the next couple of weeks are short and shallow, even if we spend our shifts dodging each other in the aisle and giving wry smiles maybe just for awhile it's what we need. And up until last night I wasn't willing to accept this but it may be for the best. Plus fighting like an old married is embarrassing, lol. It doesn't mean i should be a dick to you and want to hulk smash your face when you sort of do this weird 'well what do you expect' eye roll thing. But it also doesn't mean you should take my silence and aisle dodging for being an asshole. I realize now, that space is probably the best. Maybe for a bit the space between us is necessary, not desired, but necessary. At least until a new normal between us is established.

 

On Sunday (cause Saturday he spent his whole shift literally avoiding me) I called a verbal truce. I wandered into the back of the store, held my hands up and told him i wasn't there to fight or yell. I just wanted to know if he got my email (he hadn't checked his email in days so no) and then I said I was sorry. Not for the mess that we are in but of how i've been reacting to it. That i know in his weird way he's been trying to apologize to me but that i've been less than receptive because it isn't how i imagined it. I told him that I wasn't sub-human and i'd never understand what that meant but that as a full human i'd have to just accept his attempts and move on.

 

And with that we ended Rumble in the Bronx gate. I'm not sure what is going to happen next. I am certain how friendship will be greatly altered after this. I know that it won't be the same. But i am okay with this. I'm okay with him being my first mistake. I'm okay with moving on.

Penning Notes

When I was a kid my mom use to make me write notes when i was sad. Obviously i was a pretty sensitive kid. I mean i was outgoing and a troublemaker. I was smart and inquisitive but I was always a little sad, always an over thinker and a bit of a loner.

My mood has always been mercurial and to understand them better my mom would make me write about what was making me blue at the exact moment I started feeling it. Literally she would see me in a corner sulking, ask what was wrong, and then give me paper to draw or write my feelings out. My brother was the drawer in the family, so naturally I compensated with words.

And I guess that's why journaling and writing has always been a thing I've done. For as long as I can remember, anything I've ever written has been related to 'the feels', a place where my emotional and mental state reside. I have never been one to express myself well in speech. I tend to get choked up and tongue tied at the sound of my own voice. I feel anxious and am prepared for criticism. But words are easy. They come straight from 'the feels' a place, unlike my brain, that i rarely second guess.

So when The Dumb Boy asked me to write him a letter last night describing why I am still mad at him, it sort of made sense. Last night we worked together but it was awkward as fuck. When I got in he wanted a hug. I looked at him like he was crazy and asked him why. He said because it's "your Beckett thing. You give hugs and stuff. Its your norm". I looked him straight in the eye and told him I didn't want to hug him. Hugs aren't what we do anymore and then I pitifully told him we could air hug it out. He looked genuinely upset but I was unmoved.

The rest of the night we were annoyingly pleasant and cordial. I listened to him tell dumb stories. He laughed at my lame attempts at conversation. I asked him if he could drive me home and he said yea and then said "or we could..." but i cut him short and said 'we could drive me home. That's it".

The bulk of our relationship is spent in his car. I can't tell you how many times I've talked it out with him there. But last night I wasn't really in the mood to talk. But i told him that our friend from work asked if we were okay and it thought it was weird because no one outside of Kat knows what happened. He asked what i told our co-worker/friend so i relayed what i said: I told him that i felt my relationship with Sean was like an unfair boxing match. Sean's in one corner with steel gloves and I have nothing. And i have gone through many rounds getting pummeled by this kid. I have been sucker punched over and over again but eventually you don't feel like getting hit anymore. Eventually you realize you can't win the fight, so you give up.

Sean said: so this means you feel like your in an abusive relationship with me
Me: I feel like a person so use to being battered emotionally, i flinch when you are near.

When he pulled in front of my drive way there was that stupid moment of silence where we didn't know what to say to one another. Eventually he said I could call him if i wanted to talk further but i said i didn't want to call  him. There was nothing more to say out loud. So then he suggested I email him instead 'because you're the writer and everything' and despite how mad i was at him....motherfucker was right. So i spent three hours penning him an email. I put everything down on 'paper', here are some of the excerpts:

• the last few weeks have been shit and it all stems that weekend. Which sucks because I had a fucking dope time Sunday/Monday. When you asked me to hang out and go to the bar, I was all in. I didn’t really want to go to work anyway, I wanted to see John and his gf, I actually wanted to watch wresting but mainly I wanted to hang out with you. And it was great. There was wrestling and sort of drunk you and swimming and Roy (his cat). There was Rumble in the Bronx and oatmeal and Oldboy. There were all those elements of hanging out with you that i like
• So naturally when the other stuff happened  I was little confused. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t spend as much time around a person without developing some feelings. But my feelings for you have always been on a ebb and flow basis depending on the day. There are moments when I like you more than i should.  You were like the jordan catalona to my angela chase (my so called life reference. Check it out). And despite everyone warning me of your immaturity and selfishness and shady character (their words not mine), I saw something else. You were a little jaded and rough around the edges but I liked you cause you the opposite of me.
• but you tend to throw the ‘my gf is it for me’ thing in my face at the weirdest times. The weirdest! as if you are reminding yourself to remind me that you don’t like me. Which would be okay, if i at any point in our friendship I’d made a move on. But I’ve always respected your boundaries. I’ve surprisingly always respected your relationship with your gf. And I don’t want a half assed relationship with anyone and would never put myself in a position to be with someone who didn’t want me and me alone. AND I’ve never really felt respected by you. I’ve often times felt available and within reach like a lapdog you can count on to always be around. But nothing more.
• So needless to say the last few weeks and the mess that has followed has to do with the other stuff that happened that weekend. THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Seanie, if I can be honest right now I would not ask to take a shower with someone I don’t like or at least have not thought about seeing naked. Past, Present or Future. I would never take a bath with a friend or even a roommate because of the intimacy it entails Hell I don’t even drink from the same cup as family members. Those are very intimate acts that you don’t get involved in with someone that’s just a random friend. And I think you don’t understand that intimacy does not have to be sexual but it’s not one you share with just anyone.
• And while all that shit that happened was also really dope that weekend, I kind of felt awkward afterwards. I felt invalidated when you were like ‘well it’s just body parts, penis, boobs, it’s not like I wanna have sex with you”, I was a little disgusted. Cause in my mind I’m like here I am with the boy I trust the most in our most exposed state and he’s being mad dismissive of it. And it felt intimate. Not sexual. But intimate. But that is still something that cannot be discarded. Cause I would never have done any of those things with….anyone. I would not have put myself in that position with someone I didn’t wholly trust and believe they had my interest as well in the back of their mind.
• So when I came to you on Tuesday to talk about it, it wasn’t because I wanted you to say that you liked me. That you had an interest. Girl you be fiiine. But because I felt like the safety of our kind of flirty and argumentative and fun tension filled relationship had been blurred. And I didn’t want to straddle that line, especially after the previous gates where NOTHING happened and I was still getting the ‘my gf is it for me spiel’.  And if you just would have said “you know what you’re right. Maybe we shouldn’t have done all the stuff. It was kind of wrong. I fucked up. You’re my best friend and I hate that I made you feel that way”. I would have been a little hurt and miffed and ignored you for a few days but still okay with it. Because In all honesty it’s how I felt. But instead you said that I didn’t have to worry about you cheating on your gf with me because ‘I’m not attracted to you. I’m sorry. What else do you want me to say. She’s all the way up here and everyone else is…” you get the point. What you said was harsh. It was rude. And it was insensitive and immature. Especially because I didn’t and haven’t initiate anything outside of being your friend for the last four years.
• that's something you say to someone who has thrown themselves at you despite repeated rejection. It’s something you say to someone who has been reading the signals wrong. It something to say to a clingy asshole. Not someone who has let you sleep in her room without any kinky shit going down. Not to someone who let you use her phone to call your gf.  Not to the girl who has despite past or current feelings for you has been really respectful of your relationship with your gf. And mainly not to someone who didn’t ask for any of that shit to occur but who just participated because in her mind she was hanging out with a boy she thought was great and who she thought thought the same thing of her.  
• And for the life of me, I can’t imagine you being okay with your gf taking a shower or bath with a male friend. If she were attracted to him or not. I can’t imagine you thinking it was normal and just an everyday thing.
  I’m serious.
  For a moment, PLEASE, put her in this situation and maybe then the fuckedupness of it all will make more sense. I’m not saying it to be a douche or because I know she’s a sensitive topic and you get mad defensive but you don’t see anyone outside of her. That was the only honest thing I got from you in the car that Tuesday. You take her in to account more than anyone else, because of this  for a moment just imagine your gf hanging out with her close male friend and asking him to do all the things we did that weekend in the bathroom, how would you react?
  Just imagine it for a moment? How would it look to you from an outside perspective?Whatever you are feeling now is how I felt. That’s how I feel. It's fucking terrible isn't it?
• And I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. There's a part of me that is always going to want to be your friend. I want you to have a banging good time before you join the Navy. But right now it feels like we’re strangers. And That’s what I mean when I said we aren’t friends because we’ll never be like we were before. We could be nothing after this. . I don’t want it to be, but… we could. I’m hoping will be better then before. A little more honest and less blurred lines but better. But only you can fix this. I’ll do my part.  I’ll remain present and here. I won’t disappear. But I’m bruised and battered man. I’m worn down. I’m a little broken. You keep throwing punches and pushing me further away and I’m a flinch away from giving up on this.

Yea, the letter ended up being a lot longer but that's the gist of it. I've done all i can. I've been a decent human being to this boy and he didn't deserve it. I've also spent the last three weeks hoping he'd attempt to make things better and I've gotten nothing more than him rubbing his head on my shoulder and a 'i'm sorry that you're sad' apology. This feels like the end with Sean. And while stressful and sad and tearful it feels right.