Sean is coming home tomorrow. He'll be in town for six days. The bullshit is about to hit the fan. I do not have the strength to deal with this shit.

Changes.

I am quitting le sad store.

July 27th is the date.

Lord Give Me Strength Part Deux

Me: I don't think i've ever seen you happy. Not as happy as you've told people you are?

Sean: I believe you are correct

Me: Then what are you doing? 
Me: Why are you doing this?

Sean: not many people see that i am more likely neutral or insanely pissed off but hide it behind an act of laughter and jackassery


Sean: but you're wrong too?


Me: how am i wrong about this [his engagement/unhappiness]?


Sean: u have seen me genuinely happy, because u've made me genuinely happy


Me: I don't know what i'm supposed to do Sean. You've put me in a weird position.


Sean: i think i should come home and talk to u face to face if u want


Me: And what will you say


Sean: I will say words, like always.

[End Chat Session]

'Lord Give Me Strength'

Me: so when were you going to tell me about the engagement

Sean: [my gf's] health is not the best

Sean: I figured I might be able to do something about that  thru navy benefits

Sean: she has a tumor behind her eye

Me: ????????

Me: So you're marrying her so she gets your navy benefits?

Sean: no

Sean: i'm not married

Sean: and no time soon

Sean: it looks like 

Me: But if you aren't married how is she going to get your benefits?

Me: I'm confused

Sean: It's confusing, so you are not wrong

Sean: my family is giving me the business about how i should be getting married 

Sean: but they are scaring her away

Me: so they want you to get married. but they are scaring her away. she needs your benefits but you aren't getting married soon for her to use them. sorry.not sorry but this is confusing. 

Sean: accept it. 

Sooner Than I Thought

Sean got engaged to his gf last night.

I am never wrong about these things

Once More With Feeling

Boy oh boy, this being a person with feelings thing is difficult. Just difficult. I wish there was an off switch for them. A temporary one of course, but a switch nonetheless.

I have always been an over thinker. Always. More often a fault than an asset, i analyze the shit out of everything because to me everything has a meaning. Absolutely everything. I like to interpret things as well. And because everything has meaning, everything is open for interpretation. Absolutely everything.

This ability/ desire / need to understand things has made me a perceptive person. I have an internal radar for nuances. I make predictions based on subtitles because once again everything has meaning and anything can be interpreted. And these perceptions, however far fetched at the time, have proven right more so than wrong.

I can tell when someone is upset based on the smallest details in their face. I know when someone is lying just from the infliction of their voice. I know things, i just know them. Like when it's going to rain even before the dark clouds show up. I know when bad news is coming just from a 'feeling' that resides in the back of my throat; where i hold back my tears.  I know things even when i can't see them. Whether from prediction or interpretation, i know things. My instincts are like a flashlight in a dark room. I know what things are even when they are obscured by shadows.

In my relationship however this has not always been such a good thing. I'll get a bad vibe or feeling about a person or a certain situation and i'll remain un-wavered by my initial thoughts. It can be pretty frustrating on several levels because a) i trust my gut so much that even without facts to back it up I don't ever think i'm wrong. And b) if i am proven wrong it can be devastating. I feel devastated. I am ashamed. I am humbled. But mainly i am devastated.

On one end if my first impression of you is sketchy i have no desire to establish a relationship initially. This happens a lot at Le Sad Store where every week we lose and get new people. Because of this I am not friendly to the new people, definitely not rude, but if i get a 'wrong vibe' from the start i can be a little dismissive and aloof. Case in point: there is this one new girl who i  haven't even attempted to get to know because during her orientation she walked around with a straw in her mouth and played with it constantly. I thought i was witnessing a sex act on a poor innocent straw. I don't know why this annoyed me but it did and I haven't given this poor girl or her straw sucking abilities a shot since.

But this is the rare instance where my gut is just being a judgmental dick. I'm human after all. I am not always sugar and spice and everything nice. I am never mean. or malicious but i am definitely not above giving a mean side eye every once and awhile. When i am wrong about a person in this regards i feel ashamed and guilty because I didn't give a good person a chance based on a bad day. Kat and I hated each other when we first met because she thought i was a snob and i thought she was mean. Clearly i was wrong. Sometimes i am wrong. Sometimes being wrong is great.

Where the devastation part comes into play is when i am wrong about someone i have let past the initial screening. When i have done that stupid thing where i put someone on a pedestal based on my gut. And because i believe my gut is never wrong i find it hard to take them down from it even when the evidence begins to pile up. Even when i can see the lies in the nuances. Even when i have discovered things in the dark. I find it devastating and hard to accept that i was wrong about a person that i gave a shot too. In this instance being wrong is terrible.

This is what I've been feeling lately. If my mood could be surmised in a word it would be disenchanted. And for such a pretty sounding word, the feeling is unbearable. I am experiencing more good days than bad if i can be honest. Last weekend Kat and I went to the city and saw a play and walked around central park and took pictures and ate cupcakes. It was amazing, the weather was delightful. I wore a polka dot dress and everything was right with the world. When i have plans and am surrounded by people i am okay. I don't over think too much. I don't over-analyze. I exist in the now:  in the sunshine and the warmth.

It is when i am alone that it's hard. I go over every single detail trying to figure out where everything went wrong. This weekend I had off from Le Sad Store and i proclaimed it No Pants Weekend because i had no plans and wanted to spend it at home. So i got some good reads from the library, planned some DIY projects and vowed not to wear any pants until Monday. And it went well for the most part. There was a lot of dancing and video game playing and cat naps. I tend to reread novels for comfort so i easily read through one of my favorite books. And I didn't put on pants for two days. It was glorious.

But every once in a while, during the mid-activities silence I'd stop and reflect on the last year of my life with The Boy and i'd get angry for being wrong about him. I'd get pissed at myself for everything that happened. And not in the jaded, men are terrible way. I love men. I think they are great and some are really nice to look at and talk too. But because when i should have called it quits I didn't. When i should have listened to my gut i ignored it for THIS boy. What the fuck.What the hellery fuck.

And even now i still continue to question my gut despite everything. Since the big deletion we have been in 'some' contact. I ain't gonna lie. He called the job looking for me because after 14 days he noticed we hadn't talked and that i deleted him from facebook and blocked him from calling my phone. 2 whole weeks. He was taken aback by my decision to block him but then we sort of carried on as if nothing happened. Literally. He asked me how i was doing, I told him i was doing okay, he took my somewhat cheerful tone to mean I wasn't pissed at him, he then told me he'd be home in May for a little while and then sent me a friend request on facebook and asked if we could Skype later.

????

 In our short exchanges since we haven't once talked about why i blocked him. Honestly he doesn't deserve an explanation or an entry back into my life. But not addressing it bugs the hell out of me because it sort of devalues my reasoning behind it. But i am at fault too. I could have shut him down when he made contact. But the boy gives so little that i often mistake his small gestures for grand ones though by normal standards they would still fall under the curve. I kept some of my restriction but i didn't turn away his attempt to stay in contact because it isn't easy admitting that you were wrong about someone.

Because of this I've been doubting myself the last couple of days. Not my gut self but the self that wanted to be with this boy. I start to wonder if what i am asking from him is too much. I don't know how this works. I've never had a relationship like this before. I've never felt like as i do know. Am i being too needy? Are my expectations too unreasonable? Am I pushing him away? Am I the one fucking up? Is my constant 'what the fuck are we doing' conversations annoying? Are my instincts wrong?

These are the ramblings that have been going on in my head the last couple of days. I can't stop them. I have placed the blame on myself (again) instead of accepting that i was wrong. I was wrong about Sean. He is not the boy i want in my life. He is never going to be. Whatever I was clinging too was wrong. Whatever I thought he had to offer was wrong. I let him in and he stepped all over me, i should have listened to my gut. I am so devastated that i didn't and that i wasted so much time missing out on anyone else.

I don't know much about relationships but i do know whatever i had with Sean was fucked up. I felt so lonely and replaceable with him. I shouldn't have to ask someone to devote time to being with me. I once had a dream that Sean and I were hanging out and afterwards he charged me for it. I had to pay  him because dream Sean wouldn't see me any other way. And honestly it's how i felt in my waking life with him. His time was always too valuable and I should be grateful of the little time he offered to spare me.

The 6 months leading up to him joining the Navy was complete nonsense. Almost non-stop arguing and backpedaling. I'd either wanted him in my life or I wanted him out of it. I'd get visibly upset over both small and huge offenses. And my outbursts made me think that I was in the wrong. I was the one who couldn't let shit go and just move on. But my anger had more to do with the fact that I never got what i wanted from Sean and for myself.I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be his priority. And because i wasn't, i felt like disenchanted when i was with him. It was like putting a starving person in front of a plate of food and then yanking it away before they could touch any of it.

The whole situation was/ is manipulative and unfair. A little cruel and hurtful. And while he's been away it's only intensified because i have gone above and beyond for someone who just considers me a friend. I wrote him letters, i talked to his parents, i went to his graduation, I extended the trip so i could spend my birthday with him. I was dutiful. I am dutiful. And were i his gf, i wouldn't have an issue with any of this. Not at all. I love supporting the people i love. It gives me a sense of purpose.

But then he graduated and everything i thought would happen did. I had done all the work and it didn't pay off. He didn't break up with his girlfriend. He didn't make anything official with me. The opposite happened. We established less contact then when he had a pen and a few pieces of paper to write me. And i'd call him out on it all the time. I eluded to how i felt; that i was doing so much more than i needed too for a boy who refused to give me what i need back

And what i wanted from Sean, want i needed from him, was a future. I can deal with the distance and the spotty communication. I can deal with the changes and differences. I didn't mind extended my best self because i wanted a future with him.

Lately my gut feelings have been working overtime. I know when Sean comes back into town i will be the least of his concerns. Despite going to his graduation and establishing a pretty good relationship with his parents and sending him snail mail while he was in boot camp... he is not coming home to me. He is never coming home to me. And worse yet i have this feeling that he is going to ask his 'gf' to marry him because all a Sailor needs in a girl on his arm for all the world to see. Even if that girl is a lost cause.

 I know things. I just know them. Even when i can't see it, i know things. And what i know to be true is breaking my heart more than the actual boy. Because even during our limited correspondence the last couple of days he expects things from me that I have no interest providing for a boy i have no future with. Le sigh. I really wish there was an off button. It would make everything so much easier.

I am not going to lie. I am very sad. Not the saddest I have ever been but sad nonetheless.

As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.  

But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously. 

If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE')  and he was easily swayed by the wind. 

He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.   

So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche. 

I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.

And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%? 

Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self. 

I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .

 But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him. 

So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all.  There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days. 

I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep. 

I did it.

As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)

After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.

So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.

8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.

So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.

I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.

So it's time to move on


.

I think i'm going to end things with Sean tonight.

If this is what heartbreak feels like i'm totally over it.

Molly, You in Danger Girl Part 2

On Saturday morning i'd convinced myself that i would be on a plane back to New York whether Sean wanted me to stay or not.

After spending so much money on the plane ticket and the hotel room and having to take off from both jobs, I imagined my trip up to Chicago would give Sean all the fire he needed to...i don't know, be with me. It's so stupid, i know. Growing up my favorite show was Felicity on the WB and I couldn't understand why she would go all the way to New York for a boy who barely knew her in high school. But she was in love with him and she thought moving closer would give their relationship a chance or at least a start at something.

And in my 28th year I finally realize I have become Felicity

I can't lie and say that outside of my wanting to have sex with Sean, the real reason i went to see him was because i wanted him to finally reciprocate the feelings and the devotion and the love that i have continued to display towards him. I was hoping that this trip would inspire him to choose me. Because i have chosen him time and time again. And i know it was an idealistic and stupid expectation. But with my birthday corresponding with the trip and Sean's sincere desire to see me i was hoping all the pieces of our fucked up puzzle would align.

I didn't calculate having to deal with his parents. I didn't calculate his gf's jealousy. I sure as hell wasn't prepared for blind grandma and dead pigeon. By the end of Friday night Sean and I got into a mini argument because the facebook photo i posted  came up again in conversation. He'd just gotten off the phone with his gf and he turned to me and said "so i hear  you have been 'plastering' my photo all over the web'. I don't know why this enraged me so much, mainly because i knew it was her who said it. Plaster indicates that I posted a fucking gallery of him, i literally posted 2 photos so his friends and family back home could be as proud as i was and if his lazy ass gf had gone to Chicago she could have had photos of her own to share.

I was more annoyed by the fact that i continue to be the one who shows up and yet is always questioned. It's fucking ridiculous.

Sean immediately knows that i am upset and on the drive back to the base when he begs me to stay i am so pissed and ready to go home that i tell him i won't make any promises. In my room later that night i call my mom and she says  that i have to come back on Saturday. Have to. I got to see him, i got to spend time with him, he didn't do with he needed to do to make me stay, so it's time for me to come home.

And of course, i shared the same sentiment. Here i was in Chicago, to see a boy that i truly care about and i felt, like i always do with him, like the second runner up. I know that if his gf would have made it up I would not have been invited. All i've ever wanted was for Sean to see me for who i am and who i can be in his life and it's like he is wearing a blindfold and shades. And it's not to say that he wasn't great on Friday. He was attentive and present and there but it felt like he wasn't mine. I was sharing him with his parents and his gf and he was so accommodating to them because their role is so prominent yet mess I just wanted him to finally take a stand or exclaim that he needed time just for me because i'm the one he's unofficially been seeing this last year. And i couldn't get that.

And I was so eager to have him all to myself so we could talk and maybe figure out what everything between us is about. And i knew if i stayed Saturday none of that would happen.

So in the morning, I pack all my shit and when his parents ask if i'm going to stay an extra day, I tell them i can't. When we get to the base to pick Sean up, he is anxious to begin the day because it's my birthday and he doesn't yet know i am not going to spend it with him. My plane was scheduled to leave at 12:30 but by the time we pick him up it's 10:30. The first thing he asks is if i am going to stay and I tell him no. He makes a face and then says he will do whatever he has to if i'll stay the extra day. He wants us to go to Chicago and see the sights and he has a present for me. As he is saying all these things all i can think about is how much i'll regret not staying. I don't know when or if i'll ever see him again and to be honest i didn't want to go. I really didn't.

So at the last minute i tell him i'll leave on Sunday, i'll stay for him, but he has to promise that my birthday will be spectacular.

Now, i believe, if his parents had any clue about the nature of my relationship with their son they would have backed off a little in the parental department. I mean had they known that we wanted some alone time, without it looking uber suspicious, i'm convinced my birthday would not have felt like a field trip monitored by adults. But because they assumed i was Sean's really good friend from work so Saturday turned out to be a disaster because we spent most of the day accommodating Sean's mom and dad who are...unique to say the least.

For the past two years i've known that Sean's dad has bipolar disorder. I don't know much about the disorder except that it involves mood swings and depression and episodes of extreme highs and lows. Because I am a very moody person Bipolar disorder has always been a very sensitive subject.  I do know that when i found out his dad was diagnosed with Bipolar it was something i knew Sean was predisposed to. I never wanted to self diagnose him because it's easy to equate someone's short-comings to mental illness. But i can't lie and say that i haven't recognized some of the features of the disorder in him. He even told me once, out of confidence, that he is pretty sure he has it but doesn't want to take medication until he can't function normally.

I probably spent more time with his parents this weekend than with Sean and getting to know them made me understand him so much more. His dad can at times be this jovial, brilliant, charismatic man an in another instant throw a tantrum like a child. Despite what Sean has said about his relationship with his father, his dad was so fucking proud to see Sean graduate.When Sean's dad was good, he was fun to be around. He joked a lot and was considerate. He talked passionately about movies and computers and was focused. Socially, he talked to any and everyone who would listen and had an authority about him that was approachable.

However, in the same breath  he could be sullen and crabby, aloof and downright angry. Both his parents were oblivious to the concept of time but his dad especially regarded it with such indifference that lateness was the norm. He'd get distracted  and that distraction would obsess him and we all would wait patiently until he worked himself out of it.

The worst was his irritability. He'd become irritable about the littlest thing and we'd have to deal with the fallout of it for however long it took him to calm down. The fallout was usually anger directed towards a)inanimate objects b) Sean's mom and/or c) Sean. It was sort of tough to witness because Sean and his mom at times seemed immune to it or worse paralyzed by his dads moodiness. I on the other hand observed with curiosity. It's not to say that his dad moods were the only thing that complicated Saturday being spectacular because it wasn't. His mom is passive and absent-minded and a huge hoarder! Huge. Though they only stayed for four days they packed so much shit their hotel was almost impossible to move around in. And while we were in town she wanted to buy things in bulk because she 'never knew when she was going to need it'. We couldn't go into a store without her buying any and everything.

There were just too many factors against me.

After i agreed to stay we drove back to the hotel so Sean could buy me a plane ticket and extend my hotel reservation. One of the few alone times we had was in the hotel lobby to use their computers and we both agreed that the trip would be a million times better without his parents around. Of course this sentence was short lived because his father came down soon after to ask us what we wanted to do now that I was going to stay the whole day. I had no clue, i'd never been to Chicago before and I really just wanted to spend my birthday alone with Sean. The front desk clerk recommended the Chicago aquamarine and because i am totally into sea life i was ecstatic about the idea.

Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there  we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.

Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.

We decided to eat at a Italian restaurant and for a brief moment when his parents went to use the restroom it was just Sean and I. And it felt nice. I literally told him that as we were settling into our seats and looking outside the window. I told him that I missed 'this'. The one on one and just time with him. He apologized again for his parents and dinner was spent dealing with another one of his dad's meltdown this time because Sean's mom couldn't decide what she wanted to eat and his dad dropped a fork.

We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.

The trip wasn't anything like i expected. Not even because there wasn't any sex. I really just wanted to discuss us and what we're doing and how long we are going to continue as is. I didn't want definite answers but i desperately wanted and on some part thought i deserved something. And while Sean is definitely more mature, i could see that he still doesn't know what he wants.

The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.

And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly  because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him. 

My job at the university is pretty awesome. I usually have little to no work to accomplish during the four hours i am in the office. Of course on the one day when i want to update the rest of my weekend shenanigans I am backed up with shit to print for professors. Like i haven't had a free moment to myself in hours. Argh.

If i make it out alive today i'll finish up the post from yesterday and  relay everything that has happened since i left Chicago. 

Molly, You in Danger Girl.

I must warn you that there is no way this post will adequately express my trip to see Sean this weekend in Chicago.

No Way.

 It was at times everything I could have asked for and a complete and utter disaster that had little to do with Sean or I but with every other factor against me and my attempt to....have sex.

Where do I begin.

Kat and her boyfriend drove me to the airport early Thursday morning and asked me a billion questions about the trip and what I planned on doing while I was there. I made it pretty clear to them that my main aim was to see Sean graduate and then hold him hostage for the next two days in my hotel room. It's as simple as that. Without being too vulgar or crude, Sean hasn't been able to 'do' much of anything these last two months. Boot camp has a huge no sex policy and he, surprisingly, abstained from self love. Because this boy has a huge sex drive I was prepared and looking forward to our weekend. Very much so.

The problem with this plan began to unravel as soon as  I arrived in Chicago and checked into my hotel room. The room was gorgeous! King sized bed, pull out coach, huge tub and a flat screen tv. There was ample closet space for the dresses I packed and I spent the first 20 minutes jumping on the bed. The hotel room had the perfect it's about to 'go down' atmosphere. After I tired myself out from jumping on the bed, I noticed that the only unusual thing in my room was a door that seemed to lead to nowhere. It was smack in the middle of my room and the room next door.  I was a little puzzled but ignored the door because it had a lock on it.

After a small nap, I am startled by a strange knock on the mystery door. Not just a random knock but a procession of answer the door knocks. Because it was my first time traveling by myself to Chicago I start to panic. I duck behind the bed, as if it was my shield, and hold my breath because in my mind if I pretend I'm invisible the noise will go away. As soon as the knocking stops I emerge slowly from my hiding place only for my phone to ring. It's Sean dad and he asks if  I can hear knocking in my room, I start freaking out cause my first thought is, "how can they hear the knock". I say yes and he tells me it's because it's them knocking! Our rooms are right next to each other.

Asaywhat.

When Sean's dad found out we had booked rooms in the same hotel he called the hotel to see if we could get adjoining rooms. When he spoke to the front desk person earlier in the week he was informed that it was unlikely they'd be able to accommodate the room situation in time. At the last minute though, they were able to find two rooms next to each other! How fucking awesome.

When I open the door there Sean's parents on the other side smiley brightly at the girl they have no clue is trying to have sex with their son (because of course they just know me as Sean's really good friend from work). For the next few hours his parents and I go out to eat and then crash in their room so we can watch a movie. We decide to call it an early night because the graduation started at 7am Friday morning and we wanted to get there early enough to get good seats.

As soon as I get into my hotel I do a silent scream/cry! While I knew his parents were going to be at the graduation and that we would of course spend time with them, I was not planning on having adjoined rooms. I was not planning on this trip being family friendly. I packed lacy underwear and short short skirts. I was equipped with protection and lust. Lots of lust. And NOW here I was a door knock away from his mom and dad. His PARENTS. I couldn't even fathom kissing yet alone having sex with this boy while his parents were within earshot, especially because they don't know anything of Sean and I's complicated as fuck relationship.

Regardless I thought maybe the weekend would be salvageable and that perhaps we would have a few hours to ourselves.

But of course....that never happened.

Friday comes and we get to the Naval Base bright and early. The ceremony was beautiful and patriotic and I looked freaking adorable in my polka dot dress and heels. His parents and I pose for a bunch of pictures before the ceremony and then take our seats next to this adorable girl named Jo and her fiancé's father who are attending the big day. Jo, who once again is very young, ask me who my sailor is and how long we've been together. I look to his parents quickly and try to come up with a proper way to answer the question but luckily the ceremony starts and I am able to dodge the question.

During the ceremony it was pretty hard making Sean out amongst the other tall, white, bald guys. In his previous letter he said he would be performing in the color guard (flag  holder) and that he'd be holding the Mississippi State Flag. Of course when the color guard comes up, Mississippi looks nothing like Sean but because everyone sort of looked alike I snapped a bunch of pictures of Mississippi until I was positive it wasn't Sean. Throughout the ceremony we could barely distinguish one sailor from another but halfway through I spotted him and my stomach did that stupid flutter thing. At one point, each division was able to pose for photos before the ceremony and his dad managed to get onto the auditorium floor and snap photos of Sean. When Sean didn't see me next to his parents he mouthed 'where's Beckett" and I can't lie and say I didn't get a little choked up.

Anyway, after the ceremony the sailors who would remain in Chicago for the next six months got to meet their guests in the auditorium for an hour before going back to the base to move their belongings to their training school. The processing would take about four hours but afterwards family and friends would get to return to the base and pick their sailors up for what is deemed Liberty Weekend.  Luckily Sean's was one of those sailors and immediately after the ceremony ended he was able to find us in the bleachers where we got to hug and congratulate him. He looked amazing in his navy blue Sailor outfit and white cap. After his parents got to hug him I sort of just draped myself over his shoulders and told him I wouldn't let go for a really long time and that I was proud of my sailor.

The reunion is pretty short lived and Sean has to rush back to the barracks (not sure it's called that but whatever) to pack his belongings. I can tell there is a million things he wants to say to me and there a billion things I want to say to  him but the thing about his parents being there, that I quickly learn, is that we are on their time and their concept of time is royally fucked. Sean tells us that he should be ready by 2pm but that he'll give us a call to let us know where and when exactly he needs to be picked up.

His parents and I decide to grab lunch and then linger around the hotel until Sean is ready to be picked up. On the way back to the hotel I post a picture of Sean from graduation and tag him on facebook so everyone can see. What I was not expecting was his girlfriend to call his parents literally a minute after I post because bitch didn't know I was showing up to the graduation. She asks how everyone is doing, excluding me of course, and then begins to come up with every excuse as to why she couldn't go. She had school. She had tutoring. She had finals. I can hear her a little through the phone but not enough to take in everything.

The kicker comes when she tells his parents over the motherfucking phone, just minutes after Sean has just graduated from the Navy.... that her grandmother just had a massive stroke and is now blind in one eye!!!! Granny just had a stroke? is blind in one eye? can't get out of bed? may die soon? Oh, and the pet pigeon she had died last week! What the hell!!!! What the fucking hell! For all the shit I give this girl for being dumb she played her cards well. I can't compete with a blind grandma. Of course his parents are very sympathetic and extend their condolences. While I am not a heartless person I am too suspicious about the story to give a shit because of all the times to lay this information on his parents and possibly Sean...that day and time wasn't the best.

So now, I am fuming in the car. Fuming! His parent's wonder if they should break the news to Sean or allow him to call his girlfriend so she can tell  him over the phone. I am caught between anger and hysterics. I want to laugh and scream because not only do I have to deal with his parents, and the room situation but now my horny sailor may be too racked with grief for TLC.

Motherfucking sitcom my life is.

Sean calls about two hours later letting us know that we can pick him up. Now, the ceremony ended at 10am. Sean called at 1:30pm. We didn't get to Sean until 4pm because his parents literally have no concept of time. Literally. I was already dressed and ready to pick the boy up and they couldn't find their shoes, wanted to google something, saw a commercial for sneakers, had to stop at Walmart  for paper. It was insane.

On the way to the new base we got lost several times because his dad's GSP system hated us. All they can talk about is blind grandma and how upset Sean is going to be when he hears the news. All I can think about is how upset I am that on my last night in town I won't get the time I thought I would have with the boy. When we pick Sean up, he is pissed because we are almost 3 hours late. While his parents initial plan is to avoid the grandma thing his dad says 'so did you hear about {terrible gf's }grandma. Surprisingly Sean shrugs, says 'yea she told me weeks ago' and then asks where we are going for dinner.

THIS BITCH purposefully waited until the day of, after I posted his picture on FB to tell his parents her grandma had a stroke. She had weeks to call them and let them know what was going on and instead  saved this conversation for Friday. I was livid.

As we are in the car Sean learns that I am only staying Friday and that in the morning I will be on a plane back to New York. He gets very upset and asks why I'm not staying longer. I'm a little confused because in the letter I sent him before I got up there I told him I was only going to stay until Friday because I wasn't sure who else was coming and I didn't want to be a third wheel.

When his parents are out of earshot the boy pleads for me to stay. He says he needs for me to stay. he wants us to spend my birthday together and that it would make him the happiest person alive if I stay until Sunday. Of course I am freaking out because I can't afford to stay an extra day. I can't change my plane reservation or afford an extra night at the hotel. My mom would kill me if I stayed an extra day. I would have to cancel on everyone I made plans with to stay with him. It's a terrible, horrible idea. But I haven't seen this boy in two months.  Two months and outside of wanting to have sex with him, I crave being around him. I want to talk and cuddle and figure shit out. And he looks so damn good in the navy uniform.

We have to drop him off at the base around 9:30 and he makes me promise that i'll think about staying an extra day. He'll pay for my plane ticket back if i'll just stay. I tell him I'll think about it and then we say our goodbyes.

And in less than 12 hours I have to decide whether to stay in Chicago with Sean and his crazy parents or fly back to New York in time to spend my birthday with my Best Friend?

I am still trying to decide if the decision I ended up making was the right one....

To be continued of course.

~Beckett

P.S. Of course I stayed in Chicago for an extra day.

My Sailor

[photo removed]

Today's the Day

 I'm heading to Chicago today! I'm nervous as shit. I've packed and re-packed a million times. My mom has worried call about 2 million. Regardless in a few hours I'll be in Illinois and tomorrow morning the boy and I reunite after 2 months apart. 

This trip is going to be interesting if anything else. 

So wish me luck on this following my heart thing. It's impulsive and may end in heartache but it'll be a battle wound I'm okay with. 

I'll update as much as I can

~Beckett 

Update: landed in Chicago! It's effing cold but my hotel is awesome 

Got a call from Sean today!

He is officially a Sailor. A Sailor.

Our conversation lasted only a few minutes. He sounded tired and coughed a lot on the phone but hearing his voice after 2 whole months without it put to ease all of my fears concerning my impending trip.

I leave this Thursday to see him. He said he doesn't want to do much accept spend the whole weekend holed up in a hotel with me.

I am over the moon excited. I have not seen or talked to or touched this boy in a very long time and I plan on doing all of that and more with him this weekend.

This may be the best and most devastating birthday ever.

...and the frustrations continue

Dearest Sean,               

I apologize in advance if this letter is uber short and curt but i wasn’t planning on writing again due to your graduation being [    ] days away.  I am little pressed for time but hopefully you’ll get this letter before [   ] and can sort out some things accordingly. On Saturday your dad called to tell me he’d just gotten a letter from you and was surprised though happy that i am going to your graduation. He was very nice and seemed excited about the three of us getting to see you ‘cross the stage’ but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to actually see you graduate if i am not on the list of people who can attend. SO per his request he wanted me to make sure that have changed the names to reflect that your mom, dad and I will be in attendance because on your  initial form letter I, of course, am not listed. This is VERY  important and though i am pretty sure you are aware of this it would be a huge bust and disappointment if i got there and wasn't even allowed to step on the base yet alone see you graduate.
               Coincidentally your parents and I booked rooms at the same hotel and your mom and dad offered me a ride with them to Chicago instead of having to spend a lot of money on a plane. Unfortunately my ticket is non-refundable so i’m still flying up on [   ] but your dad did offer to pick me up from the airport, if the weather isn’t crappy. He said he wants to take you out for a steak dinner because it’s tradition or something so plan on eating a hearty meal after you are settled in your new living quarters. I was able to re-book my hotel under your dad’s name so i could use his AA discount so im only paying $150 for a 2 night stay instead of $180. I must admit I’m actually pretty glad your parents are going to Chicago as well because i was a little nervous about traveling by myself.

 I do feel sort of bad and weird however that your gf and her mom can’t attend. Especially because they were the two people listed on the initial form letter as your official graduation guests. Your dad said your gf was busy with school or exams or tutoring so she wouldn’t be able to make it. Which of course makes sense but it still feels a little weird being the ‘filler’ on a day that’s so important for you. Don’t get me wrong i’m excited to be invited, even if secondarily, but it is a little disheartening planning this trip knowing i wasn’t the intended invitee. I feel like the replacement prom date who wasn’t the first choice but who’ll do because it’s last minute. I wish i would have been privy to the graduation information a little earlier to save myself this last minute rush.  Cause i def would have agreed to go months in advance (and made arrangements‘) if i knew going was option. Right now the planning and packing has been a little stressful and everyone has not been as supportive of me going as i imagined.

As of now my mom, Kat and your parents are the only ones on board with me going, the very select  few I’ve told have had choice words with me and have made me feel like a fucking fool for attending. I wasn’t prepared to have to defend my decision to see you to our friends but it seems to be the case.  I hope that my attendance is because you sincerely want me there, it’s sort of the only good thing i’m riding on. Regardless of anyone’s opinion and concerns, I’m still going to go and am very excited to see you but PLEASE don’t forget to add my name to the list or i’m literally forking over [$$$$$] to see you for a minute or two. Sorry for having to send this letter to reiterate this (I mailed you a letter on Saturday before i spoke with  your dad and the post office was closed Sunday and today due to the holiday) but your parents seemed pretty concerned that i wouldn’t be allowed on the base if the names you listed on the Form Letter didn’t reflect your current invite list. 

Anyway, i am going to keep this letter short. You may have already seen that there are two letters in the package. [     ] felt bad for not writing you  so i offered to send her letter in the same package so she wouldn’t have to pay for postage. It just seemed easier to send ours together because i’ve noticed a delay in when you receive your mail and i knew if she sent it via regular mail you would never get it.  Have no fear, I didn’t read what she wrote as i want to respect her privacy and yours. If you do write her back though try not to mention our correspondence. The first thing your dad said to me was “you wrote Sean [  ] pages!” and it was sort of hard to explain that I’d written you multiple letters that accumulated to a lot of pages. I haven’t told [   ] that I’ve been writing you and I know she would give me more grief if she knew I was. She’d kill me if she knew how many pages i’ve written since you’ve been gone. So yea, try not to tell her anything.

As for getting people to send your more letters…I understand wanting to post your address on facebook but i don’t feel comfortable giving everyone access to your mailing address on a social networking site because of the provisions you have: like NO PORN. When it comes to [   ] or [   ] or [   ]or [   ] i don’t mind giving them your address because it’s one person but posting it on facebook seems like a bad idea because anyone who looks you up will have it. And it’s not my place to moderate what people can send you. I figure you could give me a list of the friends you’d like to me to give your address to (and i could email them privately) OR when you are able to have access to the computer or phone you will be able to give that information to whomever you want so my letters aren’t the only things filling up your box. I know it must be annoying to get mail from me and i apologize. I’m sure you want to hear from other people as well. So if you definitely want snail mail from your friends just let me know which option works best. For your privacy though it just seemed a little unsafe to post your business on the interwebs for any and everyone to see.

 I’m sorry if the tone of the letter is a little less “Beckett-esque It’s hard not being able to have direct communication with you sometimes and today especially it feels like i am relaying information from a million different people in this letter. In this case i wish i could just call you up and say ‘hey don’t forget this, yadda yadda yadda….’ Because it’d be a lot easier. I know this letter may come off as a little angry or frustrated in tone and i am sincerely sorry about that. I was sort of surprise though elated to get another letter from you this weekend because there is a HUGE  part of me, the only important part, that has been so happy these last 8 weeks being able to write you stupid silly letters and send words of encouragement so that you don’t feel alone while  you are away. I know how it is to be surrounded by things that aren’t familiar. I know how it feels to be alone in a strange though exciting place. And I wanted to make sure that if you didn’t have anyone else you at least had me to provide you with a  connection to home. It has given me a sense of purpose and like the journals has made me feel closer to you.

But then there is this other small part that worries that I am just filling  in again for a role that isn’t mine to step in on. And i wonder if i am setting myself up to be swept under a rug where my efforts aren’t fully appreciated. I want you to be happy but there is still apart of me that is like ‘what more can i do’ before i throw my hands up and just back off.  It’s akin to being in a group project and you are the only one who has done all the work and it’s frustrating and hard but you want to get a good grade so you take on everyone’s role despite how frustrating it is. And when you get that “A” it doesn’t feel great because you know you were the only one who put a 100% in it but you’ll never get the recognition for it. And  tonight that reality is a ache i can’t shake. After your last letter, i sort of feel like that girl in the group project and it’s bums me out a little. So i do apologize. I don’t want you to think im not grateful or excited about seeing you. Because I am. I’m hella excited.  I just wish…idk, never-mind, it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, i just want you to do well and I want you to be happy and i hope you are able to get that from the people you want to be apart of your life. Even if it isn’t necessarily me.  I hope you enjoy [   ] letter. I’ll try to get some more ‘fan mail’ so your division mates can  think and see that you’re the shit. Don’t worry about calling me if you can’t. I wasn’t even expecting you to actually write me back so i definitely don’t expect a phone call.  I’m sure there are other people you’d prefer to talk to so i definitely won’t take offense if i don’t hear anything from you until the day of your graduation. Good luck with your final tests and exams. I know [    ] is coming up pretty soon so you betta get those boys into shape because it’s all teamwork. Find your weakest link and encourage him to do better. Inspire him. You are good at this.  I know you’ll do fine, you always surprise me.  See you soon Sailor.  I look forward to graduation and a steak dinner.


Yours,


Beckett 

So...

I'm sort of going to Chicago for my birthday to see the boy officially become a US Sailor.






Holy Shit

Letters from the Midwest

Lets start from the end. On Sunday Sean called from boot camp and I missed his call because i was at work.

Cue the crying and anxiety attack.

My weekend was not as eventful as planned. Kathleen was not feeling well on Wednesday and by Friday night she called and said she probably wouldn't feel up to hanging out on Saturday which was sort of okay with me because I wanted to spend the morning in bed anyway. I still had tentative plans with my new friend at work and then I had to help my aunt pack because she is moving...once again. 

I spent much of Saturday morning watching Orphan Black and working out via my dance games on the Xbox. By four i hadn't heard anything from New Friend so i figured those plans were shelved and continued lounging in my room. Then it started snowing outside, out of the blue, and my aunt rescheduled the whole packing thing because she didn't want me to travel in the weather. 

Other people would be disappointed by three cancelled plans in one day but I was the happiest girl alive. I didn't get out of my pajama's once. I kicked ass on my dancing game and am displaying some dangerously good moves and becoming fit in the process. I don't think I've been this in shape...since ever. Getting older is awesome in that regard. There is something incredible happening to my body. I am lean and toned and things are 'falling' into place in a magical way. I love. Plus, while i understand needing to get out there and hang with my friends on my first day off in a long while, i kind of wanted to be myself.

Plans for Sunday however were still a a go. I requested to work at morning shift at  Le Sad store so i could head over to Michelle's house for the Sherlock Holmes viewing party afterwards. As the day went on though i was growing a little anxious. Ever since Sean left for boot camp i carry my phone with me all the time. Though a part of me is not expecting him to contact me at all while he is away there is another part of me that hopes that he will. And because i am not sure when or if the call will come i have my phone on me like an expectant father days close to the birth of his first child.

Of course i haven't heard anything from the boy since he left. And while i was hoping he'd reach out to me the last two weeks carrying my phone with me during work has been more of a pain than a necessity. But nevertheless it is always on me.

I had a small break around 3:30 and went to talk to my manager about changing my schedule at work. When i'm down with both i look down at my phone and there is a fucking missed call from the midwest, where the boy is training! I am hysterical when i see the missed call. Hysterical. I didn't feel my phone vibrate, i didn't hear it ring...nothing. And the one day i decided to not check my phone every 15 minutes for his call...it's Sean. It's the boy. He called me from bootcamp.

Luckily he left a voicemail but for some reason i am unable to listen to it. My phone decides to be a dick and won't let me access the voicemail at all. I call my mom and tell her how upset i am about the whole thing because i may not be able to talk to him again and i fucking missed the most important call. She tries to calm me down but i am already too far gone. I end up going to my friend at work, the very very platonic one, and tell him that i am crushed that i missed his phone call and anxious that this was my first and last chance at speaking with him. Platonic friends sees how upset i am and calmly tells me that when it comes to Sean he'll find a way to contact me. The boy is resilient and doesn't give up so if he reached out once he'll reach out again.

And for some reason these words are very comforting and i try not to let the missed call ruin my night. When i get to Michelle's house i'm a better spirits but still a little bummed. I attempt to listen to the voicemail again and suddenly it works! He leaves me a lengthy voicemail. He tells me that he is doing okay and that he misses me and that he hopes that i will write him beautiful things like i did in the journal i gave him for christmas. He says he thinks of me and that i am a constant good in his life and he thinks i'm amazing. He said all of this! I almost cry in front of Michelle and everyone else as i am listening to the voicemail ( i had on my headphones so i was the only one who could hear what he said) and i replayed it one more time just to make sure i hadn't imagined it.

He ends the voicemail by telling me his graduation is on my birthday and that i should expect a letter in the mail. Ya'll i'm so happy. I don't know why. This boy is a piece of 85% of the time and yet i hear his stupid dumb voice say my name and i'm back to feeling the way i feel about him. Though i have yet to receive his letter from the Navy i've already penned him a 9 page one in response. And i may have offered to attend his graduation in March, if he doesn't have anyone who can attend.

I know i am setting myself up for heartbreak. I know. But there is a part of my personality that is reckless. And i'd rather fall to pieces and pick myself up than not know what it feels like to be in like with someone so much everything hurts. So yea, there will be tears and disappointment. But it's a burden i am willing to take.

He said i was amazing. That i was good. He said my words were beautiful and that he wants more of them. And i don't know, but i want to take my chances with this fucked up boy, just for a little while.

The Girl Who Waited

This weekend calls for me to be social butterfly and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. At all.

Lately, the only place I enjoy being at is my house. in bed. with my finicky cat and dancing games. When I'm not at home under the covers trying to rid my thoughts of the boy, I am struggling to connect to my friends.

I am struggling.

It's weird and slightly pathetic that I placed so much of my own happiness in one person but I did. Especially someone who turned out not to be right for me in any sense. But he has crawled into my skin and I can't go a day without him being a part of my thoughts. I want plans, I want to be happy, I want to  go out with my friends and laugh but I also want him to be a part of those things.

Which even writing that seems stupid and crazy because when he was here he drove me nuts. He wasn't my guy. But when he was around I at least had a grasp on him. I always had my fingertip on the edge of him. And now he feels out of reach because he is physically, emotionally and mentally.

I feel like I have lost him. I have lost the possibility of us. I have lost a tomorrow. Cause relationships, why we keep them why we struggle to have them, are about the future. They are about plans, they are about happenings, they are about the little glimpses of a life you can see having with someone. And when you stop imaging that with a person things tend to fall a part. Cause what's the use of hanging on to something that isn't ever going where you want it to go.

Before he left it's all I kept telling him. That this life he has chosen for himself doesn't include me. I'd like to the girl who waits for him while he is sailing across the world. I'd like to be the person he comes home too. I'd like to be his reason for being safe. I'd like to be a face he falls asleep too. But I'm not. I never was.


At least while he was here, however faulty and fucked up our situation was, I saw a short future with him. I blindly thought I could show him how much I cared about him and he would come to his senses. I thought that he'd go away to boot camp and come back ready to pursue something with the me, the girl he waited. But lately, these are not the thoughts I am having. This is not a future I want to place everything on because the reality is it could not happen.

He will go through boot camp without ever contacting me. I won't get letters from him or the short phone calls telling me about his day. I wont get the invitation to graduation or the honor of standing next to my dumb sailor with a proud yet anxious smile on my face. I wont' get any of those things. I wont ever get to be a part of his now or then. And for the last 11 days these thoughts are what I've been hanging on to and mourning and missing the most about him.

It's the realization that our story does not end with me being the girl who waited and  got what she wanted. Instead it is the story of the girl who never was.

I  haven't been able to talk to anyone about Sean or our relationship or why I am so fucking miserable because a part of me doesn't want to and a part of me doesn't know how to. But lately I've been very despondent and just not myself and people are starting to notice. The other night my friend Justin, said I look sad all the time. That for the last month or so I look out of place and lonely. And I don't have a proper response to this because it's true. I am sad. All the time. And I don't know how to un-sad myself.

Luckily, my friends have been very patient with me even though I have been resisting any and all social activities lately. They know I need time but that I also need plans to pull me out of this lull. Kathleen wants us to take up archery and pole dancing next week(the latter is a long story...but it's a thing I have been interested in for a long time). I've made a new friend at work who wants to grab drinks and food this weekend. And Michelle is throwing a Sherlock Holmes party because season 3 is premiering Sunday and she is pretty obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch.

 I am a little overwhelmed by the level of togetherness that will occur this weekend but I can't pause and be sad forever. Right? I can't. And I worry that the longer I stay in this lull the less patient people will be with me. I can't risk losing the people who care about me in favor of a boy who doesn't know how.

Le sigh. Wish me luck.

Sullen Girl

It's been one whole week since Sean left for Boot camp. A whole week since he boarded a plane to the Midwest for nine weeks of Naval Training. A whole week since I tearfully said goodbye to him both in person and on the phone. And in that week I have been moping around like a person in mourning. Outside of wearing black, i am experiencing what feels like a form of grief. Everyone keeps telling me I look sad and sullen and despite my attempts at putting on a brave face, I must admit sad is the only one I've been able to wear well.

Last Wednesday at work Preacher Guy, the married manager Kathleen had an affair with, asked me if I missed Sean. The way he said it though was so fucking annoying "so do you miss your little friend..tee,hee...I bet  you miss him" that  I wanted to gauge his eyes out. It was especially annoying because he knew Sean and I were close. To what extent? no. But he knew we wanted to move in together. He knew that we were closer than work friends. He also gave Sean and I disciplinary write up this summer because our relationship was preventing us from doing our work.

So I was little more than annoyed when he asked me a question he knew the answer too. Instead, I tell him that I just talked to Sean the night before and that missing him hadn't sunk in yet. This must have unnerved Preacher Guy because this motherfucker clears his throat makes a face and says "you never told me Sean had a girlfriend, I wonder if she misses him too" followed by a dumb accusatory grin.

I wanted to cut his fucking face.

 I wanted to walk up to him and whisper that I know he , a married Preacher and manager, hooked up with my best friend because according to him "you only live once". I wanted to punch him in his fucking gut because he of all people doesn't have a right to question my relationship with Sean. I wanted to grab him by the face and tell him if he ever mentions Sean's name again I will destroy him. I will tip the scale of his well manicured life and I will take everything away from him. I will do so with my words. I will destroy him and I will not blink once when the carnage hits the walls. I will spoon feed it to him.

But I don't say or do this.

Instead, I am so caught off by what he said I stammer for words. I say 'sure' Sean has a girlfriend but it's not my place to talk about their relationship now that he isn't here. And then I spend the rest of the night fuming.

My relationship with Sean was very complicated. And luckily I don't have to explain that to anyone except myself. Outside of this blog and the friends I've made here, I don't feel the need to talk about the boy to the people I see on a daily basis. I want him and what I had with him all to myself, mainly because it's hard to describe to other people. It's hard to describe for myself.

December was one of the best and worst times for the boy and I. In November I went home for Thanksgiving and asked the boy if he could drive me to the airport. He agreed but accused me of nagging him about it when I kept reminding him that I had to be there super early so I wouldn't miss my plane. After one such argument I told him I would let him take the reigns on getting me to the airport. I would stop nagging him. He spent that night at my house, we got little to no sleep cause I was angry at him about using my phone to call his gf and in the morning he refused to leave until he got breakfast.

When we get to the airport Sean drops me off and says he has to run because his gf said he could come over to her house on a Monday of all days. I'm not even on the curb before he speeds off before she changes her mind. When I go to claim my ticket I'm informed that my plane has already boarded and will be leaving without me. I start crying and I call Sean cause I don't know what to do. He says he can't do anything for me and that he dropped me off like he said he would but that it's not his fault I missed the plane.

What the fuck.

I only had a few moments of pure panic before my fight or flight response kicked in. I hang up on Sean immediately. Went back to ticket claims, got re-routed to another plan to South Carolina and made it home eventually. When I get home my mom is pissed at Sean. My brother is pissed at Sean. Everyone at work who sent me 'are you okay, we heard what happened texts' is pissed at Sean (Because he should have never left the airport in the first place. He should have made sure I was all set to go before he sprinted. I would have missed the plane either way but I would have had support while I waited 5 hours).

 Sean called a million times while I was home but I avoided his calls and put this in the 'this boy is really a piss of shit' pile. When I arrived back in New York he was super apologetic but in the back of my mind I kept thinking 'if I had been anyone else' that boy would have got me there on time.

For the bulk of December our bad days revolved around the Thanksgiving shenanigans and other Sean is a douche behavior.  He'd do or say something idiotic that would cause me to feel replaceable or small or insignificant and I'd blow up at him because in his last month before he joined the Navy I wanted all of him and he was still only willing to give me so little.

And I'm not going to lie, I was a pain in the ass some of the days. My jealousy and envy were on an all time high. I felt like I was competing with a million and one people (mainly his gf) for his attention and care. And even when he gave it to me it didn't feel like that was enough because he'd act like our relationship was normal. But it wasn't. It was a little sexual but definitely emotional and Sean seemed to diminish the validity of how intimate being emotionally attached to someone is because I don't think he's every been emotional vulnerable before.

And even now I feel crazy because it felt like we were dating even though we weren't. We hung every day, he called every night before I went to bed to make sure I didn't have bad dreams. He spent nights at my house watching movies and internet porn. There was touching and innuendo's. There was crying and honest talk. There were missed opportunities and talks of the future. We went out with friends together, he'd pick me up at my house so we could then meet with everyone else. I hung out with his parents. We planned on spending Christmas together.

But there was also weekly screaming matches and name calling. There was the night I ran from his car and he looked all over town for me and when he found me he cursed me out in the middle of the street and drove me home. There were constant reminders, from him, that he still was with his girlfriend. His last night at work we got into the biggest fight ever, he said I was the most annoying person he'd ever met and I said 'annoying because I want you to treat me like a person".  When things were bad they were bad and when things were good they were great but there was no in-between because we weren't dating.

Before he left last Tuesday for the Navy we hung out at my place and exchanged late Christmas presents. He bought me the box set of a show we watched at his house this summer and I gave him a leather wallet with his favorite quote and a journal of my thoughts. It was a journal of everything. I told him that I loved him. I asked him to stay. I said goodbye and then he took off this necklace he was wearing and gave it to me because it's his favorite thing and he wanted me to have it. He called the next night to talk and then the day he left for Illinois he called me from the hotel to say goodbye again.

The last two weeks he was home I was in constant contact with him. And now he is gone. And it feels weird. I feel alone. I miss him a lot and no one around me is able to make whatever I feel go away. There is a part of me that wonders how he is handling basic training. I wonder if he is sleeping well, because he doesn't. I wonder if his back is okay, because It hasn't been. I wonder if how he is handling the homesickness, because he's never been away from home before. Before he left I told i worried about this most of all because he'd never been alone before and as someone who has it something to adjust to.

I keep having dumb dreams regarding the distance. I miss the sound of his voice before he wished me goodnight. I miss seeing him at work. I hate not having plans. I don't miss the feeling of being alone. Not one bit but I've withdrawn a little from anyone who has offered company. Instead i've been spending a lot of time sleeping and playing Just Dance 4. I keep looking at my phone hoping it'll ring so i'll hear his stupid dumb voice. But I know that won't happen not for a while or maybe not at all.

 Mainly I've been in turmoil because this could be it for me and the boy. However fucked up our relationship was it was...something. It felt like something and now he's going to be away for 2 months. He is going to be a sailor for the United States Navy. When he was here I barely had a grasp on him and all I can think is that when he gets out, before being deployed wherever, he won't be coming home to me. And there is a part of me wanted more than anything for me to be the person he was returning home to.

There is also a part of me that hopes while Sean is in basic training he'll come to his senses and realize that I was something good in his life. That he loves me and wants to be with my fully. Buuuuut, the realistic part of me knows he has had every opportunity to realize this before he left. I feel awful and anxious pining for a boy that won't choose me when he returns. The more probable outcome is that he will graduate from basic training, return to his fucked up flakey relationship where not much is required from him and I will be without him. And this is why I am sullen and sad. Because the longer he is gone the dimmer the possibility of me and him becomes. It feels like whatever life I envisioned for us left with him and I feel stupid that I gave him everything. I gave him all of me and it feels like I have nothing left.

I know this feeling wont last for long. But for now it's a dull ache I can't shake.