Side Effects of Dealing with Fuckboys

Y'all, the next time I get super bored on Sunday because I am sullen about how lonely I feel these days PLEASE remind me that that does not mean I should unblock certain fuckboy's who were recently banished to fuckboy island because I was feeling sad and despondent and lonely. Deal?

I am so annoyed with myself and lack of will. I recently discovered (aka was told repeatedly by multiple family members and close friends) that I don't set boundaries and this is why people take advantage and smother me to the point of exhaustion. And because I am on this continual journey of self discovery and growth..I naturally sulked as this truth floated to the surface with arrogant buoyancy. Fuck you truths, can you stop being a know it all for like 2 seconds!

There has been a drastic change in my life these last two years and for the first time in a while I feel...alone. Like I did in college, except worse because I now know what I am missing.  I don't have as many friends as I used to and my free time is endless. Gone are the days where I could barely squeeze in time to eat because I was hanging out with friends and dealing with Sean and working two jobs and going to the city every freaking weekend. Suddenly, there are quiet nights at home, weekend running errands and an occasional dinner date with friends if we can find the time to catch up.

But the level of activity has decreased ten-fold partly by my own doing but also because growing up comes with a lot of losses. People settle down, have children, move away and life just goes on. And while I know this, I live this, I must admit I am fucking miserable in my current state. I don't miss Kat or Matt or Sean but i do miss having plans and things to do and people to text regularly. I do miss being needed even though that meant being used.  In retrospect I was almost willing to accept the disrespect and the smothering and the meanness because they filled a space that was so empty before. I was so lonely and then suddenly I wasn't and for once I felt like I belong.

But those relationships weren't healthy: Kat was co-dependent, Sean was a sociopath and Matt...well Matt has narcissistic tendencies and he valued his time and sense of being more than anyone I have ever met. So I wasn't growing and evolving and living the best version of my life with those people in my life but am I living it now? Sure  I  made a swift exit from those relationships but I am now consumed by boredom. Utter boredom.

My day to day consists of: waking up extraordinarily early so i can make the rounds of all my social media accounts. I then get ready for work which involves giving myself a pep talk in the mirror followed by several instances where I utter " i really don't fucking want to go" before i drag myself to work. Then there are 8 hours of desk sitting, filed by maybe an hour of actual work but mainly just sitting and daydreaming and podcast and then music and desk sulking. Then i go home, prepare my lunch and outfit for the next day before falling asleep to ANOTHER Dateline marathon.

This is my life! And I guess this was kind of okay, when my weekends were filled with activity and interactions and friends but now they are sort of just filled with weekly Target runs and then self loathing. I am in such a transitional moment in my life and I am not adapting as well as I wish. I know that things will get better. I know that I am measuring my successes more harshly because FB keeps reminding me that people are "happy" and "coupled up" and living their best lives while I check my message-less phone and eat popcorn for dinner for the second night in a row because I am too lazy to microwave anything.

I know that there is so much in store for me and I just have to be diligent and also patient. But while this occurs, I miss certain things, I want new things, I crave stability while also wanting to just upend the status quo. And yes these are all contradictory wants but I am bored, oh so very bored. I am annoyingly looking for affirmation in all the wrong places and on Sunday after spending most of my day in bed watching another British cooking show, i started making excuses for Matt's poor behavior and disregard and general lack of respect because I feel...alone.

I know this is not a good reason to make any decision and since that lapse in judgment, I have installed all of the block measures again (except for the FB block because there is a 48 hour grace period to mourn your dumb mistake) because I deserve better.  What i wanted, didn't match up with who he was and what he wanted and he was wasting my time which is a huge offense.

The other day I was listening to the  podcast Small Doses by one of my favorite comedians Amanda Seales. She continually drops life gems on her Instagram page that punch me in the stomach with it's relevancy. So naturally it made sense to subscribe to her podcast for weekly advice and life lessons. Yesterday's podcast was about Fuckboys and the literal damage they are inflicting to the dating world. Until recently I did not think Matt fell into this category. He was a nice guy after all, well educated, culturally and socially woke on the surface, and champion for women.

But now that I look back on all of our interactions, I think Matt was the epitome of a Fuckboy because of his nice guy Schick. He'd talk openly about the #Metoo moment and respecting women but than would go into an hour long spiel about he couldn't really like a girl until he had sex with her. He constantly described what he didn't like in women which almost exclusively was looks based. She couldn't be too short, she could only have long hair, she couldn't wear rings (because he preferred bangles), she had to smell a certain way and wear specific colors, she had to also be a brown girl who didn't want to have children nor cats.

Under his "i'm a feminist" facade he constantly crossed sexual boundaries with me, that I let slide. He was never EVER physical but now that I look back on it, we talked about sex inordinately. And don't get me wrong, I love talking about sex but the only person who needs to know how many sexual partners i've had and whether I like "going down" should be a person who I am or will be in a relationship with. My platonic male friend should not ask the questions Matt asked of me and I regret that instead of shutting the inquiries down, I laughed and mistook it for affection. I mean he once asked me (in the  middle of watching a movie)  how many holes i'd be open to having filled in a sexual encounter and when I showed general discomfort at the question he laughed and said he liked girls who didn't embarrass so easily. 

He talked openly about his physical love for minorities and mainly brown females but expressed little sympathy for brown skinned men while also reverting to typical stereotypes to show superiority. He used to tell me all the time that he loved {insert specific dark skinned race] because the men in [insert same specific dark skinned race] don't treat them well. He'd say Asian men had small dicks and Hispanic men were not smart and African American males were prone to laziness. All of "these" men treated their women so poorly he was in theory "saving" brown women by loving them so much.

 It was always "god, I love black women BUT i don't understand why black men aren't smart and rely only on {insert black male stereotype} to get by. He made me as a black female feel like I should be grateful  that he took an interest in my beauty which society has been slow to accept. But his interest seemed more like a fetish than anything else.

I am fuming over these realizations now. It's been a month since I last talked or saw Matt but I clearly saw the signs early on but  i sort of just (as I always do) made excuses. I am still making excuses.  Once I have made up my mind about a person (either good or bad) I am too stubborn to change that initial perception even when presented with that facts. And I wanted Matt to work out for my own selfish reason.  My mom was happy that i found a guy and my friends were excited that I was finally about to be coupled up. And seeing that happiness from my friends and family were overwhelming. Like the only thing I was missing in my already decent life was a man. So i was willing to try and have him fit that mold until...well it and him crumbled under his fuckboy reality. 

But I cannot place all the blame on Matt. I have to take responsibility for the fact that I saw  past obvious red flags. It was weird enough that he reached out to me after a 5 year silence. Especially since we weren't that close at the store and had had several miscommunications while we worked together. It was strange when he called me his best friend after hanging out for a month. It was also weird that he wanted to regularly hang out at my house for 12 hours straight but had no interest in dating me. He was a time waster and it is not only clear that he reached out to me out of desperation but because he knew I'd respond. Like I always do because that is who I am an emphatic person who loves a good sob story.

But moving forward, I have to set boundaries and have standards and hold people accountable when and if something is crossed. I have to stop being so damn accommodating. For someone who can be opinionated and forceful with her words when I need to be...I tend to give romantic prospects the benefit of the doubt. I become submissive and passive and unlike my real self out of fear that they will reject me if they knew how strong I was. But who gives a fuck? Especially when this passive approach makes me susceptible to assholes.

So I am making a list. An Oh No list to figure out what my boundaries are so that I can be more explicit about them moving forward. I am sort of a a boundary-less person because I am a people pleaser and I want to be accommodating because I have mistaken it for showing devotion. But fuck that life. No more going out of my way to live up to someone else's expectation when all I am given back is scraps. Or worse....they do not live up to my own expectations.

So outside of the general "Oh no" deal breakers like: someone who is mean to children or animals, someone who expresses any sort of racism or discrimination or general cruelty to people, someone who is nasty to hospitality workers AND anyone who is a Trump Supporter (this does not mean conservative, this just means Trump supporter), I need to have a concrete list of unacceptable things that cross a boundary for me. I can only hope in doing so I can avoid these landmine of assholes in my periphery and maybe even pave the way for something greater. 

H O M E

There are very few things I actually miss about working in retail, cause lets be real....once an old lady with what can only be surmised as Alzheimer tries to physically fight you at the cash register because you remind her of some bitch from 1920's who stole her boo at the speakeasy, the minimum wage and employee discount really don't seem worth it.

I haven't worked in retail in almost 4 years and it's insane to think that I slaved away in the aisle of the bookstore for as long as i did. There used to be this time, not so long ago, when I worked two jobs, the latter at crazy hours with customers who included a guy who smeared shit on the bathroom mirrors so frequently we donned him the phantom pooper. The 3rd time it happened, I remember we all just stopped working so we could run to the bathroom in disgust and fascination at the balls on this guy for having poop as his calling card.

Now that I am a slave to the cubicle life, I sometimes look back at my time at Le Sad Store and wonder how i did it for so long. Especially because there were almost no perks to the job.

For one, minimum wage is a bitch and anyone who complains that we shouldn't raise it have never worked a "real job" a day in their life. While working a cushy office gig pays your bills and weekend off ....you get a warrior badge if you survive working retail. Because a lot of people don't.  I started at Le Sad Store making $9 per hour and post college, this seemed like a gold mine of a hourly wage. I had just come off working $5 at my school library which allowed me to buy weekly foot-longs from Subway while I played the sims to kill time. So of course the $4 bump seemed like my first real step towards financially security. I was a fool!

Realistically $9 aint shit when you have actual bills to pay and add rent on top of that I barely had enough money for food at the end of my paycheck. Despite this I still went out regularly, was a frequent buyer of tattered Forever 21 clothes and abused the shit out of that employee discount by funneling most of my paycheck back into the company with all my  unnecessary book, dvd's and cafe purchases.

Secondly, working on the weekend should be banned! You go through most of your life taking advantage of Saturday and Sunday that when it is stripped away from you it feels like a death. For almost 8 years, I worked on weekends to the point where Tuesday and Wednesday's were my day of rest. But there is something sacred about Saturday and Sunday. It's hard to explain. Saturday just feels like a Saturday. As does Sunday. The two days are supposed to be about relaxation or fun if that is your choice. Working should not even be a thing one has to do.

Towards the end of my time at the bookstore I was clocking in only around 28 hours a week. EVEN THEN, most of those hours were spent working on the weekend. And idk, it's just sort of awful. Saturdays should be for errands and hanging out and movies and naps. On Sunday, I should only have to wake up enough to maybe put on pants and find something binge-able on TV. I should not have to work for 8 hours surrounded by people who openly choose to be at my place of work! it's offensive.

But the real crux of working in retail is the customer because most people are trash. I am an insanely accommodating shopper because of my time spent being harassed, embarrassed, demeaned and once again PHYSICALLY assaulted by the general public (she brought the cane out!). I try to buy things only online so I don't even have to set foot in any retail establishment (except Target. I love Target) because I know how awful people can treat retail workers. I also judge potential friends and romantic partners by how they interact with severs, cashiers and other "hospitality" workers. If you don't say "thank you" or are dismissive or leave a shitty tip you are a trash person who i do not want to know. There are way too many awful customer stories to detail but just know that it's worse than you could ever imagine.

And while the actual customers are terrible what's even worse is the entitlement people hold over you. People assume you work in retail because you aren't qualified to work anywhere else. That you should just get a real job. That looking for books and ringing up customers is super easy. And to give them credit, a lot of it is easy but that doesn't mean anyone who works in retail isn't busting their ass. I was in the best shape of my life at the bookstore because I was on my feet all day. Between shelving books and finding books and chasing teenagers out of the store, I burned more calories at work then I ever did in mandatory PE classes. I also had to sacrifice holidays because people love to shop. We worked all the Eve's and never got any government holidays off just so you could buy the latest New York Times bestseller.

Also, working parents would often leave their kids (babies) at the store as if we were a personal daycare center and while it wasn't our responsibility to watch them we legit kept watch over children left to fend for themselves at the store. We also had to deal with "regulars"...well on the regular. People who frequented the store so often they might as well have lived there. They talked to us repeatedly as if we were their friends and most times we were empathetic ears to lonely and worn down individuals. So yea, finding someone the Secret for the 7th million time isn't that hard BUT spending 7 long hours on your feet, making less than $10 an hour as people continue to berate you because you can't find "the book that has a red cover" can be a daunting if not noble venture.

I must have a form of PTSD from my time in the bookstore because even though it has been four years since clocking in, I do have a tendency of watching Youtube videos of customers freaking out in public. My Youtube history is full of videos of customers behaving badly while people stare on horrified and appalled and yet still paralyzed to do anything.  At first I thought this was just me being a huge ass weirdo, but I confirmed with another former bookseller worker that I am not the only one who does this! I did not become a lifelong retailer worker but there is a smidgen of guilt for the life and friends I left behind and maybe having a reminder every once in a while is how i leave pay my penitence.

Because if I can be honest, while almost every fucking thing about retail was awful and dreadful and stress inducing....I miss my coworkers tremendously. I miss my friends who I will always consider family even if I no longer speak or see them. There is something about working in a shitty retail environment that creates a bond between the people that is impenetrable. It is Us (employees) Vs. Them (customers, corporate, managers) that inspires the same level of teamwork as an old school Field Day event.  My coworkers and I used to work in near perfect tandem because we liked working together and being around each other and supporting one another.

Someone having a bad day? We'd pill them with hugs and snacks from the vending machine and jokes until the person felt a little better. I once was so poor I couldn't afford lunch at le sad store, so my friend brought me sandwiches from home until our next pay period. When I offered to pay him back he was offended. It is the first time I have ever tackled someone with one of my hugs. Our friendships (all of them) were definitely messy, overwhelming, annoying and of course when we all started dating each other very incestuous but I am convinced it was the most authentic love I have ever had with my peers. We were a team in and outside of that store and anything less than that feeling of fidelity feels like a disappointment now. 

The next time you go to Target or Walmart or hell even that little clothing store in mall, look at how the employees interact with each other. Sure they are rude towards customers and flee in the other direction when the see a dumb question coming their way....but i bet your ass you will almost always see them smiling and laughing in interactions with each other. I'd put my next paycheck (not really, i have to get my car fixed) that they are friends and want to see each other outside of work. Retail teaches you about teamwork and camaraderie and dare i say...friendship the way it should be.

So yea, I don't miss the late hours or the low pay or the customers who think you are property along with the things your store is selling. But i miss the shit out of walking into work and checking the schedule to see if my favorite people are working with me. I miss walking into the break room and being greeted with "hellos' and "I missed you" and continuation of conversations that happened only hours later.  I miss looking over at one of my friends as a customer is acting a fool and sharing a look that only the two of us understand and will no doubt discuss in length afterwards. I miss my people, my tribe, my ride or dies and lifelong friends. I miss them painfully.

I bring this up because honestly outside of a handful of people at my current job, I loathe the majority of my co-workers. This isn't to say they aren't fine people but they aren't "my" people. They aren't watching great TV shows or reading interesting books of finding new and dope music they have to share immediately. They are investing in stocks, talking about mortgages ,placing illegal bets and playing a legitimate game called CORNHOLE during work hours. Do you want to know the point of the game? You throw a ball in a hole. That's it. They have spent hundreds of dollars betting each other on who can win the game. How do you even have enough money to place such bets? I have bills to pay and rent to pay and any extra money is not going towards winning or losing a game called Cornhole. It's going to Target.

And who would have thought that liking the people you spend more than 40 hours with throughout the week is super fucking important.  But holy shit it is almost pivotal to my work life balance....and happiness. Outside of the Matt fiasco my personal life is pretty okay. Sure, there could be improvements to my every day but for the most part I am in love with the baby steps I am making. Last week I went to Whole Foods (like an actual adult), purchased some healthy meals, stood in an indiscernible aisle and stared at the nutritional information on the back of the cookie box I was holding. I'd seen someone do this earlier is a more appropriate and less snack food aisle and I figured I'd mirror her actions too because this is what adulting is like. Though i walked out spending way to much on "organic" food there was something very mature about the whole trip. Only four years ago I was slaving away at le sad store, renting a room in some lady's house and buying frozen meals that couldn't adequately feed a toddler. And there I was on a Saturday in a Whole Foods that I drove to  in my own car buying food for my REFRIGERATOR to eat during the actual work week. Ya'll i have a fridge.

But there are only two days during the weekend and my organic cookies and almond milk can't make up for the fact that I spend the bulk of my time and life at a job that hate with people i'd openly ignore in public. And it's weeks like this when I am feeling extra nostalgic and homesick for my old life. I'd almost take another near asswhooping from a gal name Betsy too deep into her Alzheimer to realize I am not in fact her childhood rival as she manhandles me to the shock and fear and even amusement of my co-workers nearby. I'd relive that moment once again, just for the comfort of seeing my friend turned families contorted, anxious but familiar faces again that were as home to me as home gets.

Nice Girls Don't Finish On Top

I am unabashedly a nice girl and I am starting to think this title is doing nothing for my social life. Don't get me wrong, my mamma didn't raise no fool. I am not a pushover and have surprised many a people who thought my bite wasn't as big as my bark. I can be a fearless girl and I have not always been an incredibly nice woman when backed into a corners.

In high school I was angst filled and aloof to the point of coming off cold to my peers. Marie and I were queens of sulking and side-eyeing anyone who did us wrong and I was told more times that I can count to stop being "mean" to [insert names here]. When you are young, the moment you learn you are quick witted, it's hard to contain the sass. So even though I was a nice girl, I am also a smart ass to a fault. I said and did dumb things to prove points that didn't need proving. 

In college, I was hard-headed and stubborn. I was often accused of thinking I was "better" than my peers because of my disdain for commonality and small talk. Having anxiety didn't help disprove this misconception. I'm not going to lie, even with this blog detailing my most embarrassing years, I don't think I can stress enough how weird and awkward i was. Because I was really fucking awkward. I really didn't try enough to make friends  and was unable to openly just be myself like i craved....so I would come off as weird and brooding and full of tension, despite the fact that I was listening to Shawn Colvin on my CD player and reading romance novels in-between classes.

Being less anxious these last few years has definitely increased my self confidence and how i present myself to the world. I am still awkward but in a fumbling, comical and delicate way rather than mouth breathing, sweaty and off putting counterpart.  I am much too old to constantly worry what people think about me (as I write a post about what people may think about me. The irony is ever present) which has allowed me in many ways to be just be who I am without fear of embarrassment. But now that I am less anxious, the layers that have been stripped away just reveal that I am an incredibly kind and nice human being. And it's nauseating.

While I do have moments of sassiness and "bitch-like" bravado.  I am  your quintessential good girl. People NOW tend to find me adorable and relatable to a motherfucking fault (oh, and I curse a lot...which is probably not a good girl thing but whatever). I am called sweetheart by damn near everyone i met, children are not intimated by me and one time a dog feed me a treat. I wish I was kidding but perhaps thinking i was in need of it's care, my friends dog passed up her treat and brought it to me...as if she were doing me a favor. Le fucking sigh.

The problem is....because people mistake me for being a good girl, I am not often met with the same level of respect from men and and often infanticide by my some of my female peers. It doesn't matter that I can rap to Cardi B lyrics like a motherfucking boss or that i rehearse arguments in the shower on a regular basis (you must always be prepared)....at the end of the day, the secret about me is always at the surface. I am incredibly nice and soft which often comes across as naive, gullible and lacking experience.

And to be fair I am a fault for my nice girl image. I am the most accommodating person you will ever meet and I am not even admitting this fact to toot my own nice girl horn. I am annoyingly optimistic and never openly judgmental of anyone. People have admitted some weird shit to me but instead of shutting them down, I want to take the time to learn more about their interest.When I claim you as a friend I will go above and beyond to shower you with love and affection. And while this has it's benefits, I am also too trusting, too forgiving, too polite and thus susceptible to shitty people. It's as if my kindness lures them in and then WHAM, I have to go through another blocking spree because I cannot have such negativity in my life.

Today was that such day and another crushing realization as I went to Matt's FB page and Instagram page and blocked the crap out of him. I used to think blocking individuals was a un-good girl aspect of my personality but honestly it's a necessary tool for me to accept the end of something. Sometimes I do so out of a necessity (Sean and his family), other times the decision is hasty but still with my best interest at heart (Kathleen). Matt is a combination of both. Despite how shitty he has become, I am a person who forever holds on to what if. What if, he eventually comes around and realizes he has been treating me terribly because he is deeply in love with me. What if he has been ignoring me because life has become super busy but I am still at the forefront of his mind. What if he really does want to be my friend but just doesn't know how to be in my life they way I want friends to be in my life.

The problem is these "what if's" don't matter because they never came into fruition. If he wanted to be in my life, he would be and if he just wanted to be friends he wouldn't be a complete and utter asshat and towards the end he was less and less present but more of an asshat. So I blocked him. I removed myself from the situation. I packed my good girl qualities into a suitcase and sashayed out of the equation.

And while I feel okay about using my block powers to remove myself from the situation, I am beginning to worry about the relationship patterns I find myself in.  Cause it feels like an "Oops I did it again moment" but less cooler. I often connect with a people immediately.  We become inseparable and super reliant on each other and then before you know it the crazy starts. People tend to own my time and my space and want 100% access to me. And because I am a good girl I allow this even when I shouldn't. There were many times when Matt has said or done something inappropriately that I didn't call him on his shit because I didn't want to come across like a bitch. But I should have, thinking back on it.

I don't know how to stop being such a good girl but as I replay what has gone wrong in the past with friendship and romantic possibilities and my current falling out with Matt I can't help but think my niceness is a huge part of the problem. I come across as impenetrably delicate because I am impenetrably delicate so people take advantage and I let them. 

This doesn't mean I want to stop being a nice girl cause lets be real the idea of being unkind gives me all sorts of agita. I just feel like I need some alter ego, a non nice girl entity who comes out when i need her most. I need to go from Sandra Dee to "Sandy! asap because Sandra Dee is mocked and pilfered and almost always damn near feathered because of her nice girl ways.  You know how Beyonce created an alter ego called "Sasha Fierce" who takes over when she performs on stage? A sexier (as if she can get any sexier), Fiercer (as if she needs and fierce mojo) and more Dominant  (I bow to her willingly) persona? I need her.

Anytime, I am being excruciatingly nice, I need that bitch to put her stilettos heels down (bad bitches wear stilettos?) and stop me in my tracks. I need her to be more assertive and forthcoming and dare I say...even a little mean when it's appropriate. Because this nice girl stuff is no longer working in my favor. I just don't know if I have the energy to be Sasha Fierce when all i want to do is keep being me which includes a lot of annoying necessities and cat naps.

Nice For What

The first boy I ever loved was named Nicholas. We met in the fourth grade on the first day of class and I thought he was the handsomest boy i'd ever seen. I was obsessed with the movie Grease at the time, so when he walked in with his hair kind of slicked back looking like a mini greaser, I was sort of smitten. Here was my mini Danny Zuko in the flesh and for fourth grade standards he was completely and utterly it for me at that moment in time. I had had crushes before, but this felt different. I wanted to know him and for him to know me and when we finally befriended each other, I concocted images of our future relationship together which involved going to prom and other juvenile activities....like bowling. 

He'd moved from the Bronx the previous year and his older brother was an actor who had just starred in a movie with Robert Deniro. No lie! It was a small part of a much bigger cast but he got enough screen time that when Nicholas said his brother was a movie star we believed him and then marveled at the scenes with fascination. In fact, everything he told us was in a way that made it very easy to like him. He was the youngest of four brothers who were much older, so while everyone was obsessed with Pokemon and yo-yo's he talked about Frank Sinatra and wrote screenplays in a composition notebook.

I thought I was in love with him, as much as a ten year old can be at that age. I wasn't nearly as obsessed with boys as the other girls in my grade but I'd seen enough movies and read enough books to crave love or at least affection. And I had chosen him. I wanted to love and be loved by him. And this feeling was precipitated by childish fulfillment's at that time. He was nice and funny and he used to share his lunch with me. Anytime there was a partnered activity we'd run to each other to claim ownership.One time I took a bite of a cookie and handed it to him to finish and when he did the whole class groaned in surprise because he ate something with my saliva on it which meant we loved each other and were practically married by standards of saliva swappage. 

We became fast friends that first year and were inseparable during the 5th grade. He'd walk me home occasionally and during the summer he'd call to ask me about my week. I spent countless hours belting "Always Be My Baby" with this boy in mind. And when the Titanic came out that year, you bet your ass I knew every word to My Heart Will Go On. I wrote his name over and over again in my notebook, finding sentiment in each letter. I loved him or at least I thought I did but of course what I wanted and what happened never matched up.

The 6th grade rolled quickly around and I don't know what it is about Middle School but everyone literally loses their damn minds. Entering a new grade and school allows you in some weird way to reinvent yourself if you want and immediately the friends you had in Elementary school could become enemies. And that's exactly what happened. I was so excited to rejoin my group of friends on the first day of middle school, only to walk into this massive new building with a hundred new faces feeling like a complete and utter stranger. Everyone looked older, dressed differently and had an air of "maturity" about them. I did not have a growth spurt or develop breasts or even get my period. I was still stuck on my 5th grade shit that when Middle School rolled around everyone except my best friend Ahesha had abandoned me. Worst yet, Nicholas completely shunned me the first day of school and continued to do so the rest of the year.

When my mom told us we were moving at the end of the year, I was more elated than scared. 6th grade was tough and I was excited about a new town in a new state. I did well academically and even made a new group of friends but I was ready to start over. I was ready to leave this failed life behind and I was also ready to leave Nicholas. I was a pretty dramatic kid and moving was the escape i didn't know i craved more than love. On the last day of school, I penned him a love letter that my friend graciously delivered for me. It was my last attempt to salvage young love. I knew nothing would come of it, but I wanted to put everything on the line. He threw the letter in the garbage. He didn't even open it. I watched her hand him the letter in the cafeteria and then saw him turn his face up in disgust and trash the letter as quickly as he has trashed me.

Despite this obvious rejection, I still pinned for the boy years later as if it were anything more than a childish crush. The idea of him was so much more than who he actually was, that it made it easier to turn down affections from actual boys because "well, there's this guy in New York that I think is the "one". I didn't grow out of thinking that until at least 10th grade (and i'm being generous with myself because it was probably more like 12th) and I can't lie and say I didn't try to find him on MySpace when it first came out because i was way ahead of the internet creeping trend.

For reasons I have yet to uncover, I am most careless with my own heart. I have always been.  I am an emotionally mature individual who gravitates towards emotionally and physically unavailable men. I spent the better part of my teens pinning for a boy I barely knew. I spent all of college, ignoring guys who wanted to date me in lieu of putting Art Boys and Music Boys on unreachable pedestals. I graduated from that to literally getting involved with a boy who was dating another girl and here I find myself again, trying to attach myself to a boy who doesn't care about me, who doesn't know how to care for me and who chooses time and time again to be careless with my heart.

In the pit of my stomach, I know there is no there there between Matt and I. Not in the way he looks at me or talks to me or treats me and yet I continue to cling to the idea of him while the reality keeps smacking me in the face.After everything he has said and done, you would think I would scoff at any more attempts to have this boy in my life. I do not always feel worthy of love, so i'll surround myself with individuals who cannot provide me with it. And i think this has more to do with my anxiety of not measuring up to people. I am petrified of letting people down, so I surround myself with people who will let me down.  I have a tendency of wanting to prove that I belong and am worthy of love but only by people who do not deserve it. I am stubborn to a fault and while I don't want us to fit together anymore...I am frustrated that we don't. On paper this should have been a very easy coupling and the fact that is hasn't been confuses me to the point where I will be unkind to my heart to make a point.

As expected the trip to the zoo was a disaster. We both agreed to meet at the zoo separately after his failed attempt to get me to drive us there. He made a joke that since he was the "birthday boy" he was nominating me to be the driver for the day. I immediately shut this idea down on all fronts and told him i'd meet him at the zoo instead to make sure the point hit home.

We both were surprisingly on time and grabbed our respective zoo maps and decided what we wanted to see first. I was dressed pretty nicely for the trip and instead of complimenting me he told me he didn't understand why girls had to dress up every time they went someplace and that he prefers his woman to dress more for comfort than fashion. Of course the comment infuriated me and hours later when my feet were bleeding from walking so much, I resented his comment even more. We grab lunch at what can only be described as a Jurassic park themed restaurant along with hundreds of screaming kids and teens obviously on field trips. As Peacocks walked around freely accosting people for food. The lunch as going well enough until he had to tell me that he actually invited more people "but you were like the only one who showed up, so i guess that's okay"

By the end of the trip we were both more than happy to head home. It was a long ass day and there are only so many times you can oh and aww at adorable animals before the claustrophobia and leg cramps kick in.The ride home was a little awkward as he openly texted his ex-girlfriend during the trip. He was concerned that he had upset her by not including her in some plans he had this weekend. My feet hurt so much I couldn't even muster up the anger and annoyance at my current predicament. He was concerned that he had upset his ex gf's feeling (whose physical attributes are everything he has told me he loves in a woman. She is the girl whose standards he lives by) while hanging out with a girl whose feelings he was currently hurting.

When I finally reached my stop, I climbed over him (because he refused to stand up) and gave him the bday card and small notebook i hid from him the whole day (hoping by the time i'd given it to him we'd be at a better place) It was small gift and practically cost the slice of pizza but it was more than he deserved after everything. I limped home and then collapsed into bed with a mixture of regret and disappointment claiming the last bit of self respect I have. I think he texted me later to thank me for hanging out with him on his birthday but we haven't talked since and I am trying to be okay with this because as much as he offers me nothing, he reminds me daily that I offer him nothing in return.

I am not heartbroken or even sad. I am just disappointed, drearily so, and perplexed because of the wasted time.  I am can only speak for myself but the way things sort of sputtered out is a let down of gigantic proportion. One minute he is telling me how sexually adventurous he is and how attentive he is to letting his lady friend "come first" and the next we are awkwardly trying to avoid touching each other at the zoo. We almost got separated by a hoard of children trying to push their way to see some adorable baby gorillas play. He held out his arm for me to grab and I clumsily caught his hand instead before he yanked his hand away quickly as if I had cooties.

And I get it, yes I could have been a little more assertive but he didn't make it easy with his constant assertions that "short women, women who like cats, women who have or have had short hair, women who want kids and women who aren't great at math" aren't his thing. The more and more he opened his mouth and expressed his opinion, the less inclined I was to even attempt undressing in front of this boy.  It was as if he were making a point of "not being into me" despite the time we spent together., so I wasn't trying to make a bigger fool of myself.

But I am a fool. The last six months have been foolish and I have been careless with my own heart once again.

Le Sigh.

The Heart is a Muscle

I am looking forward to Spring. I don't believe I have seasonal depression but I must admit that I am not able to handle winter. There is a novelty about it during the holidays but that is as far as my love goes. It has snowed 3 times since March 1st and I am over shoveling snow, scrapping ice off of my car and not being able to work from home like a normal human being because my boss prevents it.

I am ready for Spring and warmth and rainy afternoons and  British dramas. I want to bring out my waffle iron and whip up meals every Sunday while the sun gives off the perfect light. I want to place my awfully big winter coat in the depths of my closet and finally pull out my light jacket and spring dresses. I am in no way prepared for Summer but Spring and I have a solid appreciation. I just want to bathe in her light.

Because I am one to embrace honesty I had plans to see Matt this weekend.  Despite my proclamations of being over the boy... he texted me last week and said he wanted to be emotionally open with me. I don't know what the fuck that means and I must admit when i got the text i rolled my eyes so hard i got a headache. It feels like another trap from a boy who continues to send mixed messages and I wasn't sure how to approach the situation. But because there is always going to be a little part of me that wants things to work out with everyone, so instead of ignoring the text and staying strong....I was like "omg, yes! i'm so glad you want to be emotionally open. Lets hang out this Sunday".

The next day he spent the majority of our texting convo telling me how much he wanted to fuck his co-worker even though she's "so basic and annoying but I want to do things to her and for her because i'm a man". I walked right into the trap again ya'll. I don't know why i'm such a sucker for the damaged ones. He then proceeded to tell me how disappointed he was the last time he hung out at my house because "you weren't acting right and I hope this Sunday your attitude is better". I wasn't "acting" right because I woke up with excruciating stomach pains and when i asked him to leave so I could get some rest he insisted he stay to watch the walking dead. A show i have never seen nor wanted to see. But mainly, I can act however the hell I want in my home.

I have put up with a lot of shit from this boy but i can't fathom someone disrespecting me in my home or about how I act or run my home. As someone who spent the first two years living on my aunts couch and then a mattress on the floor before being kicked out and having to rent a room in a house full of strangers...I value the fuck out of my apartment and space and the tranquility that it inspires. I can be moody or sullen, sleepy or energized, lustful or bored in my apartment whenever i fell like it. He is a guest in my home who is critical of the fact that I "buy water bottles" and "have too many pillows on my bed".

Of course this isn't the first dumb thing Matt has said recently. For reason the boy continues to passive aggressively point out my flaws as if he is externally trying to convince himself that he shouldn't mess with me (it's cool bro, i don't want to mess with you anymore. You don't have to worry) but his way of doing so is vocal and hurtful and often unnecessary. If we were just friends I don't think there would be so much miscommunication or mixed clues.

I think it's funny that he reached out to me (not the other way around) for whatever reason but I am still the one who has to pass all of his dumb "relationship worthy' tests. And I admit, had sex or even making-out happened between us, I would (unfortunately) continue to play the game until things progressed or ended between us. But the boy has given me nothing to work with (not even a sneak peek) and he doesn't even have a super stellar personality. Where he was once charming and nice, he is now judgemental and bombastic. I get the impression that he feels like he is doing me a favor by hanging out with me cause "no one else will" or to use his words exactly "I hang out with a lot more people and have less time than you do..."

Lately, he's been telling me how great he is in bed or how attentive he is to women needs which made me think he was extending his services. BUT this would quickly be followed up with a "but i don't like short girls, or women who like cats, or women with short hair(which i had for several years) or women who can't quote the Bill of Rights" Okay, the last one is a stretch but you get the point. It was like he was pointing out very obvious traits that I possessed to reiterate that he wasn't interested or was conflicted. But for someone with a laundry list of things he doesn't like in women, he never once offered what he could bring to the relationship table.

I don't know what or who Matt is looking for but after his comment on Thursday I just don't have the sexual, emotional, mental or romantic patience to pursue a relationship or even a friendship any further. I don't think I have ever texted a friend about wanting to fuck a co-worker (followed by all the explicit things I would do) and I have never (ever) disrespected someone in their own home to the point that they felt uncomfortable. But of course, because i;m me...I still feel incredibly guilty about ending this once promising something. There are times when I am lonely. There are times when I wish I had a partner to take the load off of general life suckiness.

 I am not interested in online dating ( but i appreciate all the recommendations from family and friends to give it a try) but honestly until Matt popped up I wasn't even looking to date. My life these last three years have been...life affirming, mainly because I have invested more time on my mental wellness than anything else. I want to be a happy, healthy, empathetic and caring adult  who uses her creativity and kindness to change my world for the better. And I know that if I continue on that path whoever and whatever is supposed to be in my life will. No doubt. Doesn't mean I won't sulk the next couple of weeks and mourn what never was but i won't let it take me off course.

Hiatus

Matt and I may have finally reached our point of no return and not in the passionate all consuming way i wanted.

As I expected, things have been a little strained between Matt and I since Valentine's Day. He has been distant and closed off and emotionally combative for reasons that are confusing and almost hurtful. I knew this was going to happen. That's why I was super hesitant when he asked me to hang out on Vday and also why I have been less aggressive in my pursuits of this boy. He seems generally conflicted about his interest in me. If there are even any.

After Vday we went a few days without talking and then we kind of resolve the disagreement where he made it seem like I was the one who wanted to hang out and was being a little too clingy with this time. Yep.

Then the boy straight up forgot my birthday or pretended that he did. When he finally reached out to me it wasn't to wish me a happy birthday it was to accuse me of with holding the information from him which is insane and dumb. Luckily I had plans on my birthday that did not include Matt so i did not feel so slighted by his complete disregard. My friend Tim wanted to take me out for drinks and food and when I told Matt this he replied back "Have fun on your date" and then disappeared for two days.

 However, on Sunday despite the awkward text exchange, I was expecting the boy to come over because we usually hang out unless otherwise specified.  He failed to show up. No text, no call...nothing. I sat in my apartment all day waiting for his call or text or ETA and he just never showed up.

The next day he casually asks me if we are hanging out the following Sunday (with no mention of him not showing the day before) and I told him I had plans and couldn't see him. We don't text the rest of the week until Friday when he casually lets me know that he is going on a date! Yes, ya'll a date with a girl he met online. I am taken aback by the text because it seems like a weird thing to let me know. Are you rubbing it in? Do you want advice? Are you just being cruel with my time yet waning affection? I am not sure.

I was surprised by my response though. Instead of going straight savage on his ass....I told him i was happy he was getting out there and dating again and that I hope he has a good time. I just do not have anymore time for his buffoonery. He seems to be a bumbling mess of a man who has this perfect idea of a woman in his head that is not founded on  who women really are.  A few minutes later he tells me "she cancelled. I guess i'm just not meant to find anyone". I wish you could see how far my eyes rolled back into my head.

We briefly had a conversation on dating and expectations and he tells me his ideal partner is someone who "doesn't want kids and hates cats". Like why would you say that to me. I am explicitly expressed my love of cats and my desire to have a family ( i mean not anytime soon. but like I am not anti-kids). It was just another comment that seemed to dig at who I am and what I want and i am confused.

I had plans to hang out with my friend Tim again this weekend (who Matt hates) and of course Matt spent the whole time texting me as if to get a response. He wanted me to know that he was handling his rejection well and maybe he should give up dating altogether and get a dog. I was both annoyed and perplexed by these texts and did not respond back until later that night after Tim and I got completely drunk at his apartment after watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. I probably should not have drank as much as I did but it was nice for once being around someone who likes having me around, no questions asked.

So i think for the time being, I am going to take a indefinite break from Matt. I am not going to completely disappear from the boy's life but I do need to reclaim my time because he is wasting it. I am not a hard person to love. I am kind and empathetic and funny and a little charming when i want to be. I am affectionate and loving and giving to a fault. I am not a hard person to love and anyone who makes me feel as such is not worth my time.

If I am not what this boy wants or needs than I cannot and will not try to convince him otherwise.But I'm going to have to take a break, a breather, a mini hiatus indefinitely or temporarily from him. I don't know if he is sabotgaing things between us on purpose or if he truly lost or never was interested.  But i deserve more. I am sure of this now.

Come Undone.

...only to cancel Vday plans with me an hour before I am supposed to show up at his house.

I am done.

Place to Belong

Matt wants to hang out on Valentine's Day.

I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.

Exceptions to the Rule.

This morning I woke up super late and had to rush my shower and breakfast.

I feel bloated and gross so I destroyed my apartment trying to find something to wear only to settle on a shirt that I will indeed sweat in during the day. 

When I got to work, I misjudged a turn in the parking lot and scratched my car on a big white pillar. There is now this awful scratch on the passenger side which i'm sure I can wash out but  I am just so annoyed. This is the second minor accident i've had that has involved myself and something other than another vehicle.

Of course I blame my frazzled morning to my shenanigans with Matt these past three days. Per his request we spent Sunday  having our "serious" conversation. He told me that he cares about me and doesn't want to see me hurt in anyway. He likes who I am and is happy that we have been able to reconnect and have this "friendship". He called me his best friend which was a little unnerving since I don't generally have friendships like this with a boy. Or anyone.

And then we spent the next 7 hours talking about our favorite topic...sex and intimacy. Because letting your friend know how well  you are at oral sex is super normal. Right? I don't think Matt knows what he wants if I can be honest. It is obvious that we get along and have a bond and are attracted to archetypes of each other. But he seems very hesitant to pursue anything further than that. He'll say something that will make me think he wants to try "us" out only to follow it up with a comment like "i don't really date short girls" or "i just don't think women find me interesting". I will of course follow that up with a "I find you interesting" "what's wrong with a short girl" comment which is met with silence and a deflection some how.

On Monday we got in this insane argument because I called him out on his "dating rules". He seems determined to push women away because of his many insecurities bubbling at the surface. And of course because I am interested in hooking up with this boy, it can be a little disheartening for him to tell me he doesn't know if he'll ever find someone....as we have these incredibly intimate and nice moments of companionship. And outside of his dumb "i don't generally date short girl' comments I can't imagine the boy isn't attracted to me based on all the other attributes he said he is attracted to.

But he is holding me at a distance. His arms are stretched and his hand is on my chest figuratively, keeping me at bay. And I don't understand why. So I asked him on Monday what his deal was. I asked him what he wanted (not from me) but just in general. And he gave me a vague list of shitty answers:

"My preferences for who i want to date are much flexible, mostly because i can't figure out why i like or want what i like" 

"My rules only touch the world of sex and dating when I have to weigh them against potential work/life conflicts"

 He stressed that if he has reservations about a girl he is interested in, he has to make sure she was worth making an exception for. He annoyingly brought up a work example from our bookstore days. He doesn't date co-workers (as a rule) but he was interested in this super attractive girl who worked there for maybe a month. He said he would have made an exception for her because he was physically and emotionally attached to her.

He followed this shit example with another shit example. There was a girl at work who was interested in him and she asked him if he ever thought about dating her. And he told her she was too short and he never considered dating her because of that alone. Fucking Hell! Of course I was a little perplexed by his example only because it seemed like a cop-out. The other girl only worked there a month, so how could he develop this intense emotional and physical attraction so quickly to make an exception for her while totally shooting down the other girl based on....height.

I told him i think his rules are stupid (because I was annoyed at this point)  and that attraction and lust and liking someone shouldn't be as mechanical as going down a checklist and choosing what you are willing to put up with and aren't. And then I ignored him the rest of the night where he failed miserably to try and explain himself.

The next morning (Tuesday) I finally answered him and said that his mixed signals could make a girl go from liking him to being exhausted in her pursuit of him ( i was obviously talking about myself) and he apologized and said men generally don't know what they want and are just scared and say and do dumb stuff all the time. He then admitted that he's a dumb male, who says stupid shit all the time and never knows what he wants because he's scared.

And I understand this. I really really do. But i also feel incredibly confused now. Either a) Matt only likes me as a friend and maybe this is how he behaves and acts with all of his female friends and I have been reading the signs wrong or b) he likes me but I am not an exception to his rule. And for some reason that hurts more. That makes me feel insecure and like I am in some weird bidding war for his attention and honestly after the Sean fiasco I refuse to try to win someone over. And I told hm this in my very passive aggressive way. I told him that if a dude likes a girl, there shouldn't be this "weighing the options" period. Both should be adult enough to process and act on their feelings and emotions and attraction and move on from there. And he agreed but said he was scared.

And that is where we left off.

Tomorrow he leaves for Austin, Texas and I won't see him again for two weeks. We text daily and he stressed that he still wanted to hear from me on the regular but I kind of need a break from Matt. I kind of want him to know what a Beckett-less life feels like these days, since i've taken up so much of his time these last few months. I like this boy a lot but I am always going to protect my heart. It's all i have and I hope that it is the best part of who I am. But i am unwilling to convince anyone that I am good enough. I know what I offer and I shouldn't have to wait for a guy, even this one, to figure this out for himself.

I just can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore.

Hang the DJ

Matt wants us to have a "serious conversation" on Sunday.  He said this to me Wednesday via text and yer girl is freaking out about what could transpire in a few days.

Apparently he is in a much better mood now that he has returned to eating solids (he hasn't eaten since last Thursday due to the stitches in his gums) and before he goes to Texas he thinks we should have a talk. The last few days have been so strange between us and all my fears of our relationship changing negatively once we discussed what is brimming to the surface seems to be occurring.

I mean grant it, he is in much better spirits and I have a small idea what he wants to discuss this Sunday. He mentioned our relationship to his co-worker and I guess they had some questions and thoughts that maybe he didn't piece together. Because you know, he's a smart but also a very dense boy. He sent a flurry of texts Wednesday  telling me that i was important and that he likes who I am and that he would never mislead me....yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was a very entertaining text exchange and I know it should give me some hope that last week and this past weekend was just a big ol' mess of miscommunication and perhaps fear. But I am nervous. I am not a person who always knows what I want. I do not always wish to belong to anything or one. I have also never been in love. I have been infatuated/in lust/in like/in denial/in limbo...but never love. It is not something I have ever opened myself out to fully for reasons I am not sure I will ever really understand.

And I am not claiming to love Matt. I am still learning all of these things about him that takes time and effort and honestly intimacy but my connection to this boy is....something new. It might have to do with me as much as it has to do with him. I am not the same person I was 8 years ago, or 4 years ago or hell even 2 years. I am much more confident and comfortable in my skin and I don't have time to waste on people who don't offer me something that is worth loving.

And while Matt is sort of this enigma of a person, he is also incredibly kind and gentle and I get the impression he would never hurt me. That he goes out of his way to  handle me delicately which i am not used to. I have cried in front of this boy, I have danced recklessly and sang stupid songs in front of him. I have allowed him to see me fully and there is something in that that scares me. Because I am not a person who is capable of always saying what i mean but I'll show you effortlessly.

There are parts of me that worries my growing feelings for him may cause reckless pain. The sort of pain that aches in the tender folds. The sort of pain that makes you feel crazy and insecure and yet wondrous all over. But I trust him with his pain....if that makes sense. I trust him with this pain or at least I want to.

What I don't want is to be led down this path that leads to nowhere and unfortunately, if this happens I am at fault as much as he is. Because as much as I talk about wanting him to tell me his intent...I can be a pretty hard person to read and where I should be admitting my feelings for him, I instead of keeping mum out of fear that the thought never crossed his mind. I am more worried about never being an option to him than a flat out rejection. That if I tell him how I feel he'll saying something stupid like "I only ever saw you as a friend, where is this other stuff coming from" which would crush me for some reason. And I can't continue to blame Sean for those insecurities. They are all my own. I have always felt not quite good enough and I am perhaps doing the same thing with Matt now.

Le sigh. I am nervous as fuck right now. We haven't spoken since Wednesday and with his "talk" conversation looming I don't feel confident enough to be brave Sunday but it looks like I don't have any choice.

Stalemate

jesus freaking christ! the last 4 days have been a literal dumpster fire between me and Matt and I am a little on the mend from all the emotions.

I thought we were on the up and up after some truly extraordinary hangouts but homeboy came at me this weekend with some mixed signals and now I feel like my life is a comedy or errors. Or rather a Jane Austin novel where the characters say one thing but think another thing and then fumble around trying to communicate and understand each other based on a slew of miscommunications.

I have several saved and unfinished journal entries about my weekends with Matt. For the past month or so Sundays have become an extraordinary day of .... companionship and I think love, or something like it. He swings by at noon and we spend the whole day eating and talking and watching movies. The last couple of weeks we haven't even been able to squeeze in watching movies as much because we are consumed with just wanting to talk about everything.

He is a charming attentive boy which I sort of like because I am used to be the listener in most of my relationships. But he seems to want to know about my days. He'll sit on the couch and I will go on a tangent about something irrelevant and he'll say "wait, but you didn't tell me about your week. Lets start there". And it pulls at my heart strings how much he listens. Sometimes he scowls at my stories, especially the ones about work. Sometimes he shakes his head in "disapproval" at some of my week day shenanigans but he is kind and attentive and I think I like to tell him stories because his eyes light up when i do.

The last two weeks he has made me food from home. An apple crisp dessert that literally was an organismic treat and last weekend he made me pizza from scratch. homemade dough and sauce and special cheese that doesn't come from the refrigerated aisle. Growing up I had a great uncle who used to live down the street from my grandma's house. When we would visit her, he would make a point of coming over with a bag full of treats. Mainly fruit and vegetables for my grandma but he always had this super small bag of cookies especially for me. I'd get so excited when he pulled the bag from under his arm, like he magically conjured it up from thin air.  And Matt has been doing this with his homemade food. If he walks into my house with his black lunch bag I know there is food inside and I'll attack him with questions until he teases me to settle down.

I like this boy, or something like it, and despite our inability to cross this romantic threshold (yet) I think he likes me too. I can tell from the way he looks at me or the way he touches me or the way he says my stupid name. There is chemistry, so much of it, that I want to bottle it up and store it for when i am feeling down. He has gone from being this guy I once worked with to this person that I want to have things with. To share things with and I don't like that feeling. I mean I love that feeling but the vulnerability scares me.

But of course we both have our barriers.  He has not had much luck with woman and is hesitant about opening up his heart again. His last gf wanted an open relationship and the few online dates he has gone on have left a sour taste in his mouth. So i think he feels like less of a man because he hasn't had a lot of good experiences with women. I am just a big old weirdo who feels things so strongly but am often unable to tell people what I want. I am also so inexperienced in areas of love that I don't always know how to read obvious signs of desire and attraction.

So the last few months have been exceptional in one area (companionship) and terrible in others (um, we haven't even kissed yet). Last week we were both having a shit couple of days. I am having so many problems at work I have thought about quitting more times than i'd like to admit. Matt is going through some prolonged dental pain related to surgery he just had and he was just in an uncharacteristically awful mood. On Thursday we got into a conversation via text about love and relationship and consent (based on the Aziz Ansari incident) which of course led to us talking about sex.

He's convinced that women don't want to have sex as much as men, and I am convinced that most women generally like sex but a yes can easily become a no if say, there is no foreplay or lack of communication beforehand. Just dumb shit like that. We both agreed that men and women should communicate more about what they want from a potential partner (wink wink) and we concluded that men and women will continue to have many issues because of miscommunication.

During this very engaging conversation he bluntly asked me what sort of dudes i generally dated and I was like "holy effing shit! finally! we are getting somewhere'. Of course I basically describe him and he's like "okay kewl" and I ask "why do you want to know what i'm into romantically" because I think he is going to cross the threshold and tell me what i've been wanting to hear!

Ya'll....i'm going to be honest right now..Matt literally texted back "because i've been known to be a really good matchmaker....so now since I know what you are into, I can keep my eyes open".

Excuse Me? Asawywhat? Why would i need him to keep his eyes open if we are....seeing each other...cause i don't know I sort of thought him spending all day at my house and making me dinner and buying me presents and sharing some truly intense moments of....intimacy meant that our eyes were firmly planted on each other. I mean, am i reading the signs completely wrong?

Of course I am livid at this comment and I call him on it immediately. I ask him why he is under the impression that I need an extra pair of eyes to find a dude. I also ask him why he is still single since he's such a great "matchmaker". Ya'll....he replies "because women around here don't seem to be that interested in me, so maybe when I go to grad school in a few years I can start looking again".

Asaywhat?!?!


I couldn't understand the sudden shift in his attitude. I mean, I knew he was in  a lot of physical pain because of the surgery but he was coming across mean and almost defiant. And this was after our extraordinary weekend of movies and food. We watched a really sad movie the weekend before and I got teary eyed. He ran and grabbed my tissues and then wiped my tears away.....I mean c'mon! Why do this for a girl you are practically shooting down.

We end the conversation poorly and then the next day he texts me incessantly because he didn't want me to grab drinks with a work friend who he sort of loathes. I had a weird encounter with said work friend a few weeks back and Matt is convinced he is just trying to get in my pants. But i was so livid over our text exchange from Thursday I sort of played into his fears just to piss him off. It worked and we went most of the weekend without talking.  He texted me Sunday to make sure that we were still on and of course I relented and said "sure"

He was still in pain most of the day because of his dental surgery and I was still pretty upset about the last few days. He could obviously tell something was up so he apologized out of the blue as he was mixing me a drink. He was grabbing ice from the freezer when he said "listen, i'm really sorry i've been a shit to you these last few days. I just have a tendency of ruining things before they get good and I'm sorry".

I was taken aback by the apology so like an asshole I asked him to repeat it again, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. But he does. He says it all again but instead of looking away like he did the first time....he turns his head and looks me right in the eyes and says it again "i'm having a really hard week, and i'm tired and in pain but that doesn't give me the right to be a dick to you. And i'm sorry for trying to mess things up before they get good " and then he hands me my drink and we end the night watching a Tarantino film.

Matt is heading to Texas on Feb 3rd for two weeks so this Sunday is our last together before this trip. I am nervous and anxious and feeling a little unsure about who or what I am to this boy. I have gotten advice from damn near all my friends who say I need to be blunt af with Matt about my feelings...even though I am unsure about the extent of them. I mean I like him and I want to have all the sex with him but I wasn't expecting to have feeling for him ....that came out of nowhere and I'm afraid of putting myself in another Sean situation where I give him literally everything...only for him to take and discard. So i want him to tell me what he wants. I want him to want me so I can make the decision on how to proceed. But i think he is petrified. The ball is in his court and he is petrified.

I have 4 days to get my shit together and figure out what the hell to do or say Sunday and  I am freaking out. Just freaking out.

Bombogenesis

Happy New Year!

While I am learning to enjoy Christmas again, I must admit I was never a huge fan of the New Years holiday It's such a weird celebratory day. I get it, some of us survived another year. I get it, the new year marks this weird reset ideology for some. But to me, the new year is just that a new year. Or rather a continuation of whatever I currently have in progress.

So even though I was invited to a New Years Eve party, i decided to spend the night at home. I drank some wine that I stole from my work holiday party, I marathoned Black Mirror Season 4, I made the rounds with phone calls and texts to friends and family and turned on NBC or ABC at the exact moment the countdown began. Then I went to bed, like any sane person would with little to no actual resolution for the upcoming year. Except maybe,  to keep trudging along as I have been.

New Years Day however proved to be a little more eventful.

So...Blue and I have been consistently hanging out for about a month now. We decided just before I went home for Thanksgiving that we should see each other regularly. And that is what we are doing.  He typically comes over every Sunday around noon and doesn't leave until 8. We have lunch together (and sometimes he'll bring me a homemade snack), watch movies, talk for hours and then pick up dinner. He is a sweet, patient, attentive boy who can be both serious to a fault and completely ridiculous and charming

I like him. I really freaking do. Something I was not intending on doing when we first started hanging out. But after four months, I can unequivocally say I like having him around and while I was hesitant about sharing my sacred weekend with anyone there is something nice about sharing the weekend with him. And he keeps coming back so I guess he feels the same way.

While Matt and I excel at intellectual, mental and emotional connection....we seemed stalled or hesitant about sexual one. Which is frustrating because I constantly think about hooking up with him. Early on, I convinced myself that I was totally okay with having a friends with benefit relationship with Matt...because well, i'm a human with urges and needs who is not comfortable enough adapting to online dating. Ideally, Matt is the perfect sort of boy in this regards. We've known each other for years, there's always been an interest rather platonically or romantically AND we no longer work with each other. It's a perfect situation.

But our past friendship and familiarity actually seems to be working against us rather than for us. We are so comfortable around each other that there is perhaps this hesitation to cross that line.  I mean I'm all about crossing it (especially when he wears this stupid blue henley sweater)  but I understand that the risk of it not working out (whatever it is) means that we wouldn't have what we have now: companionship. Sex, unfortunately, always complicates things and feelings and emotions and he seems aware of this too as we continue toying around with possibilities without acting on any. If we throw sex into the equation, the dynamic would change. And maybe we both aren't ready for that yet. I mean the sex part yes, but the fallout....not so much.

This isn't to say we don't discuss sex a lot. The bulk of our conversations are about intimacy and our preferences. He typically dates dark skinned women (check) who are independent (check), quirky (check) and smart (check). He asks me all the time what my preferences are in men and honestly he is pretty much my type right down to the stupid beard. Sometimes I worry about my lack of experience tho....because i do lack it. I am not a complete angel but compared to most people my age I am "virginal" as fuck. He once brought up that he is as interested in his sexual partner getting the most of sex because he knows the women orgasm takes longer to obtain. I literally choked on my fucking water when he said this and instead of inquiring further i was like "damn" because well damn, that means he is a boy who is diligent.

But every time he throws a sexual comment my way, I have no idea how to follow it up. I get so stuck in my head and past insecurities that I am not sure if he is just throwing out a fact OR he is letting me know how very interested he is.  So for now, the sexual or romantic (or both) possibility remains suspended between us and because we are both non assertive individuals it looks like this tension will continue until we both explode or cave. I'm not sure which.

Because of the holidays, we haven't been able to have a proper Sunday hangout in a while. The last two weekends he has either come to my house on Friday after work, or Saturday after his volunteer gig. So instead of spending all day with him, I usually get a few hours before he heads home. This week we decided that we should hang out on New Years Day, which to me seemed like a very relationship thing to do. We spent much of New Years Eve texting and then on monday he showed up in this ridiculous but warm winter jacket that he let me parade in for a few minutes while laughing. He was so smitten with my strut that he said he would buy me a similar coat in my size.

"you want to buy me a jacket"
"well, you look so good in mine...you should have your own".

What is this boy doing? what are we doing? why can't we just skip these moments of hesitation and tension and just..idk, get to the point. Because I think I really want to pursue this  boy who is unlike any boy I am ever liked. And I don't mean it in that whimsical way i used to name all of my previous crushes...he is no Art Boy or Mcabs, he is Matt, this man with warmth and a self awareness that embarrasses him. When he's talking, i'll look at his lips or his hands or the sneak peak of chest hair peaking out from his shirt collar. I like when he laughs to the point that he's hand goes to his mouth, I like that he is smart and thoughtful but also a person with slight OCD because he is always straightening things on my bookshelf or coffee table.

I like him and I want him around and I know that means that i'll have to be brave and bold and assertive. So i will because I think he's worth it.

Happy Holidays

What a weird, awful, magical, frightening, loving, exciting, adventurous, nerve racking  and enlightening year this has been. 

Upward and onward from here friends. Upward and Onward.

P.S. Yes, Blue and I are progressing along nicely. Very nicely.  

26 + 6

Happy Birthday Amanda "Panda" Marie 

She's Gotta Have It

After six eventful days in South Carolina with my family, I am finally back in New York grinding away at my job, paying bills I didn't know I had and trying with all my might not to let the December Blues hit me hard. But like most impending Decembers, I am anxious and sad and stressed and sort of a Grinch lately.

While I was home the main discussion was Blue. My mom is elated that there is a potential boy in my life. I don't think I have ever seen her this happy and honestly I can understand why. My mother is terrified that my brother and i will end up alone. She has said this repeatedly not in an insulting way but filled more with fear..i think. She feels like she has raised us to be too independent, too strong-willed, too self-sufficient to the point that we do not know how to maintain relationships.

And if in some bizarre turn of events my mother ever ends up coming across this blog, I want her to know this is not true. I would never blame her for making me an independent, strong-willed and self sufficient human being. I am grateful for those attributes, I am thankful for her continued love and desire to help me grow as a person.

I only recognize now that maybe people have children because they want better for them. It is a chance to do "it" all over again but hopefully this time with better results. And while my mom has never asked when i was getting married or when I plan on having kids...I know this is something she wants for me. Along with being happy and healthy and strong she wants me to be loved and to give love. I think it is her biggest hope for me.

And so far in the daughter department, this is kind of the one thing I haven't gotten right.  I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until after college. Unfortunately, Sean took up a significant part of my late 20's and during a time when I should have been meeting boys who were actually interested in me, I stayed with Sean and let him string me along this precarious and fucked up path. By the time it was all over and done with, I developed this very jaded view of men. Or rather, I promised myself I would never develop such intense feelings for someone unless there was a healthy reciprocal  response.

And since then there hasn't really been a healthy reciprocal guy i've been interested in. So I've done what I can to enhance other aspects of my life. Mainly getting my own place, buying a car, ending friendships, traveling and trying to be a fucking congruent girl once and for all. And honestly, in doing so I am happier; still anxious and moody and sullen, but happier.

But I'm 31 now. 31, so of course mother time is hinting that I should probably focus on settling down and partnering up. But it isn't as easy as just deciding you want to have a partner. I am not interested in meeting someone online, I am not interested in speed dating, I don't want to scroll through images of a people and hope that our likes match up I've never been interested in searching for something. If "it" doesn't happen organically than I am not really interested.

This doesn't mean I don't want a partner and I don't think about having a family. Because I think i'd be good at both. And in my darkest of desires I want both, I just wish there was more time to figure it all out, for patience and love and comfort. But it feels like my time is expiring on trying to figure it out. It feels like I am already suppose to know what I want, with who I want and make it happen now.

So in many ways this is why Blue seems like a blessing to my mom. Finally there is a nice boy who I am spending a lot of time with who makes me happy. But I don't know what Blue and I are doing. There has been no kissing, no touching or romantic development. We hang out regularly, text daily and seem to enjoy each others company. He has a way of talking roundabout, so I can't really get the sense of his attraction to me as a person or if he is just at that same point in life as well, where he has to start thinking about partnering up and I was an available girl.

Also, he broke up with his on again-off again gf a year ago, and there are still super friendly. I get the sense that he didn't want to end it but it ended anyway and that he still likes her. Or at least wants to be friends with her. I wonder if this is also why nothing has happened between us. I wonder if there is still a possibility between them and he is just occupying an liminal stage with me.  After Sean, I am anxious about being anyone's placeholder and this isn't to say I am Blue's but  I am still paranoid that I am just filling a space and it makes me insecure and nervous.

Having said that, I don't want this to underscore the last few weeks with Blue. He's smart and funny and sensitive. We have no problem talking for hours and enjoying each others company. He is attractive and serious and determined. And his eyes are just the most incredible shade of blue. I have to repeat this, they are just incredible. But the longer we just hang out, the less I feel like we are moving towards a romantic relationship. Because of our mutual hesitation to make a move, it feels like we are in the cycle of friendship. We'll talk about sex and love and desires for an hour and then instead of exploring it together, we part ways and make plans to see each other the following week.

He literally saw me the night before I flew home for thanksgiving. He showed up at my house after work (he works at a library) and we drank beers and watched movies. We relaxed on my futon and had our usual mix of intellectually stimulating and engaging conversation. We decided that we should see each other weekly, at my house, and watch movies and drink beer and eat food because he liked being at my house. We talked about men and women, and sex and love, and desire and intimacy and then it was 1am and he said he should probably head home and we hugged on the stairs. He was at my house for 6 hours and it ended with a hug.

Yesterday he came over for 7 hours! 7 whole hours and well, nothing happened as well. I hate Sundays. I spend most of Sunday cranky and angry about Monday so I usually spend the day sulking and watching Law & Order but he wanted to come over so I said sure but that he should expect sulking and Law & Order. We ended up watching a bunch of movies, writing some and talking. It was normal and nice and like every other hang out.  But like, is there supposed to be more. Is there supposed to be a moment where things just click on a non-friend level. Because right now, it is stock full of convenience and comfort but nothing else.

Of course I am getting a multitude of advice from friends and family. All very mixed and spastic. There are two competing ones at the moment. I should be the aggressive one, make a move, tell him how i feel (even though i am not sure how i feel) and be assertive! Then there is the  just let things happen naturally advice. Let him make the move, maybe he's shy and just isn't ready yet. I of course have opinions about both approaches and as I sit on another eve before hanging out with Blue, I have no clue which one to pursue. And i'm getting restless with the anticipation. Will the bubble burst or continue to float.

If I ever write a memoir, it will be called "I Have No Idea What the Fuck I'm Doing and Other Misadventures". The chapters will be filled with my slapstick attempts to manage day to day life stuff, along with a few anecdotes on how at 31 I still have no idea what i am fucking doing. At all.

So, last Friday Blue wanted to hang out at my house and despite the super short notice I was game to have him over because I am eagerly awaiting some serious form of necking to occur between us. Spoiler alert:it didn't. Though I am happy that the last few weeks with Blue has been exceptional and fun and super friendly, I have a tendency of wondering why all of this is happening in the first place.Why did he reach out to me of all people? Is he just interested in being just friends? Or more? Am I only interested in being friends?  Or more? I just don't know.

It's not that I am getting mixed signals from Blue, it's that I am getting no signals at all. There is neither hot-blooded advances or out-right "naw, fam we are just friend". There is instead this feeling that he is creating a list (as am I) of whether this is something worth pursing. If he wants to walk down this path that we can't decide later on to turn back from. A few weeks ago, he invited me to his place and I was all but convinced it was so he could make a move on me. Spoiler alert: he didn't.  And it wasn't like there were moments that could have lead to something more, because there were, but we both at the moment are kind of friend-zoning each other for reasons I am not quite sure of.

I like Blue a lot. We have so much in common and he's constantly texting and talking and seeing each other. A week has not gone by without seeing this boy...and yet, there is nothing...romantic unfolding. We talk and talk and talk which is fine but i can't imagine a 30 year old, attractive, friendly and single heterosexual guy just wants to re-kindle a bookstore friendship. And if he does...well, why me? To be fair, I was very receptive to his desire to get in touch again and am super excited that we've had a good time the last month but what's supposed to happen next? I keep thinking of what's next.

So when he texted me last Friday and asked to hang out again of course I was game. I got to leave work early that day so I ran back to my apartment, cleaned up and put on something more comfortable. I freshened the hell up, thinking this time the boy would make a move. That we could, if he is game, start this friends-with-benefits arrangement because we seem to talk about and around this subject a lot. But he did not. And of course, I did not. Instead we spent all night talking about sex and politics and sex and travels and then back to sex and then it was midnight so he went home. And I understand all the sex talk may have been his attempt to spell out his interests but there is nothing in his body language that tells me he wants to kiss or touch or do anything really.

He has told me in the past that he feels insecure around women. He has told me that he never knows what he is doing in the romance department. Unfortunately, I am in the same boat, paddling in the same direction and if one of us doesn't man up soon, I feel like we could be venturing into the dreaded zone of platonic admiration. We are seeing each other again on Saturday because I am heading home for Thanksgiving and he wants to see me before I go.  By god if nothings happen, i will have to risk it a bit and be the assertive one or accept this relationship as just a solid friendship. I must repeat, I am not looking for a romantic relationship. Don't get me wrong he is the ideal boyfriend material and I like the shit out of him. But I am not looking for anything serious or long-term. I'm kind of just looking for casual and fun and new, I just wish I knew how to go about achieving that with Blue.

Comedy of Erros

Last  week was a complete and utter dumpster fire and I must admit i am all sorts of exhausted and depleted and disheartened by life these days.

Work continues to kill my soul every single day and there appears to be no relief from this feeling of constant dread. I am having issues with my co-workers and supervisors which has culminated in tension and dare I say "rudeness" from managers. For the most part I like my job and I especially like my pay, but I have never worked in such an unprofessional setting before. Last week, I brought up a work related issue to my supervisor and he told me that things can't be fair for everyone in the office. This is what he said to me. This man has children and is my supervisor. 

In the friend department: my friend Heather is being unusually distant and weird. She only ever asks me to hang out when she needs to run errands which was fine before I had my car. But now, I don't need someone to drive me to the supermarket which is generally where we go. We've been friends since Kindergarten and we tend to go through months where our communication sucks but now that she is sort of my only friend, i feel her absence more.

In the life department: I have had really shitty and unexpected car problems and I had to spend nearly a thousand dollars over a two day period to get my brakes fixed. I also got pulled over for the first time which was frightening and resulted in my first ticket because of a broken headlight (which was later thrown out) . On top of that I'm losing health insurance this year because my current insurer is going out of business and Obamacare is being killed off and I can't afford any of the rising premiums as a result of this. So yea, I continue to be a causality of this administration. I guess Make America Great Again does not apply to this American.

Oh and I like two guys at the same time. I mean if it's possible?  Because I think I do and it feels irresponsible and stupid and immature. And yet on top of everything else that is a dumpster fire right now....i have feelings for two completely different guys. And I have no clue what to do. To be fair I am not sure the feelings from either are reciprocated but it still feels like I am straddling a line that is on fire.

Red (because of his ginger hair) sort of popped up out of nowhere. Everything about my attraction to him is wrong. He's a co-worker, he's a few years younger than me, he can be a little immature and he's the guy that told me that awful story about kicking some chick out of his bed and making her cry. I know...he's a catch. But for some odd reason despite our differences, we get along pretty well and I find myself wanting to be around him all the time.

He invited me to his Halloween party a few weeks ago and despite my concerns, I decided to go. Seeing him outside of work was such a weird experience. I am used to him being loud and super social and just this affable buffoon at work, that I was sort of baffled when I walked into his apartment to his small gathering of friends watching a movie and playing games. He gave me the grand tour of his apartment, which included his bedroom. There were books everywhere, in an organized chaos. Poetry books and Shakespeare and mythology and fairytales. He let me thumb through his collection as he went and grabbed his notebook full of poetry he's written. And for a while, as the party continued in the living room, we sat near each other as he read me his favorite sonnets. 

Since that night, there has been a weird chemistry between us. He is still loud and brash and makes me laugh from the pit of my stomach but then he'll say something tender and i'll think "fuck, I can't like you. I can't like you but i do..." Of course i am keeping any feelings at bay with Red because...well, there is Blue. Sweet Blue.

Blue and I have hung out a few times since our night in Queens. He is an intelligent, funny, sensitive and attentive boy.  His eyes are the color of water and he is always brimming with a thought about life and love. Last Friday I hung out at his apartment for 6 hours.  We ate dinner and vacillated between the living room and his room as we talked about philosophy and desire. It was the perfect evening, except that neither of us made a move. It felt like we were both talking about the big pink elephant in the room and instead of doing something, we did nothing.

I like Blue a lot. and the last month has been such a revelation in a lot of ways. He is an old friend who I only really saw as such when we worked together at the store. I mean don't get me wrong, I always thought he was an attractive guy (his eyes are amazing) but at the time he had a girlfriend (and I was into Sean) and I was mainly friends with him because he was best friends with damn near everyone else in the store. But now that i'm getting to know him outside of our time at the bookstore , and I am...smitten. I am flushed with this longing, i haven't felt in a really long time. I guess i'm just unsure of what he wants out of this or really what I want and I can't read him well.

When he asked to hang out Friday (at his apartment of all places) i was prepared for some advancement in the intimacy department. I am not a person who picks up on innuendos well. I am also not super aggressive when it comes to making the first move. And I know, I should be a little more assertive in the romance department but i can't. I'm still only partially comfortable in my skin and after the Sean fiasco, I am even more hesitant about getting close to a guy.

But I like Blue and for the most part I think he likes me. We text every day and grab dinner at least once a week. He is a gentle gentle boy, who likes when i ask him questions because he is full of answers. His brain is an encyclopedia of knowledge and there is something super attractive about it. I am also very attracted to him physically and mentally. But i honestly don't know what i'm looking for in men. Most of my friends are in relationships or have children. I am single, child-less woman with wavering ideas of my future. I constantly feel on the cusp of figuring out what I want, only to change my mind.

I have not actively sought out any relationships since Sean and honestly sex has never been this overruling factor for me (though i would really really like to have sex soon). But recently i've sort of conceded to the idea of single hood. Not as this permanent life choice but as a status. I am not constantly overwhelmed with the idea of dating and falling in love and having a partner. I am focused on being a congruent, successful, mentally and financially stable woman. Outside of whether I am with someone or not. Of course, I have my moments where I panic and wonder if I would be okay being single forever (the answer is no) but i'm not going to stop being who I am and exceeding in other areas of my life just because i'm not with someone. I just wont.

So with Blue, my first instinct isn't that I want him to be my boyfriend. Not because he isn't great but because i don't want to impose anything on him that could put me into this rose colored glasses sort of mode. My first instinct is that we are both single, both attracted to each other and both looking for something  super casual. Ideally, I would like to date Matt (as in, see him occasionally, hang out, grab dinner) have casual sex with him and take it day by day. I am not thinking long term. I'm thinking "here's a boy, that I already have a familiarity with, who I could maybe hook up with from time to time and idk, see movies every once in a while". And I think, Blue is on the same page. We just haven't really crossed that bridge yet and I am not sure how to do so.

We are hanging out this Friday before my friends wedding and I'm hoping to make some advancements with Blue, even if that means I have to be the assertive. But if i can be honest, with everything else in my life catching on fire, Blue (and maybe to a small extent Red) is a much needed and welcomed distraction from all the other shit.