Boundaries...

So i apparently i don't know what my boundaries are.

I've been seeing a therapist, and it's names(yes i meant it's) name is "Starting Over".

I don't know if anyone has seen this show, but basically it's a show where women go into a house, and try to fix their problems. Once they fix them, they graduate into the real world, with a strong new sense of themselves. It's a totally chick fest, and normally i would have turned the channel in a minute since it is "reality" tv in a sense, but i'm hooked. Their's nothing better than watching a group of women hitting punching bags with a baseball bat yelling "I WANT MY LIFE BACK". Genius i tell you. So there's a bunch of crying, yelling, breakdowns, and maybe even a little fights or two, but minus all that i actually kind of learn something.

So there's a doctor on their, who name is Dr. Stan, who i kind of have a crush on, because for some reason i naturally have crushes on older men, George Clooney and Gabriel Burns being prime examples. Most of the women in the house all have some sort of problem with their father, i mean most of them are in their for "lack of direction" "i want to lose weight and reorganize the chaos in my house" ,"i'm a scuzzy whore" things like that, but i guess the therapists all found out that what the women did have in common was their bad or no existent relationships with their fathers. There is this one girl on the show who is a "user" she uses men to get money, and things like that. She's trying not to anymore. So the Doc brought her outside where there was a piece of paper(huge) on the ground in the shape of a circle, and in that circle were about 4 more circles. She went into the center circle, where the Doc started discussing that these circles, were her boundaries and she had a skewed since of her boundaries. The thing is that Fathers are suppose to teach their daughters boundaries, a sense of security, while mothers teach love and compassion.

Though i love my father, clearly i have not have that male figure in my life, and thus i don't have boundaries set, i don't know what true safety is. I either give myself fully to people, or don't give myself at all. And for who someone who loves Balance, i haven't been able to find the eye to eye between the two. When i first meet people, my first instinct is to dislike them. Unless you have some vibe that tells me you are unthreatening and wont turn me away, i shut myself off completely from you, and it takes time before i let you in. Which is probably why i have such crappy friends, because i let them choose me. On the other hand, i rush relationships with friends. When i started College my Freshman year, before i headed back home, i did hang out with a girl and her roommate, instantly warming up to them, and kind of attaching myself to them, to the point where i felt like a third wheel. So:

Dear Fathers of the world,
Please be there in your childrens lives, or they might just end out as messed up as i am.Tell you love them everyday, and reassure them about life. Just be there.There's nothing worse then going through life feeling like you can't depend on anyone. They need security and love, to feel like they are important and safe...just love them, your job in our development is important.
Sincerely
-Beckett-

Without this father figure i have not learned boundaries, and i don't even know what they really are.

So i have to teach myself boundaries, and knowing that there are just times, when it's okay to be social, when conversations can just be polite and on the surface, and that talking to people is okay, maybe i'll make a friend out of the small chatter. But also i have to learn to set up boundaries, of being close to someone without being dependent on them. Which is probably harder for me to apply to my life, because i know in High school when Marie wasn't there i wouldn't talk to anyone, like i needed a crutch to stand on, and she was it. It's this idea that i need a sidekick or someone else there to let my true personality shine through, when i just really need to be confidant in my abilities of not making an ass out of myself around strangers, and if i do whats the harm in that.

This very good lesson from Dr. Stan put a lot of things in perspective...including ART BOY. I'm sorry to say, that my crush of all crushes has ended...I know shocking, all the talking of his loveliness, and his cute curly hair, and opening the door for me that one time (let me stop for i totally regret what i am going to write), and everything else is just not enough. I don't want to put myself in a state of fantazing about a boy, who if liked me enough would find a way to talk to me, or vice versa. I can't have relationships from a distant, i mean i understand if i had spoken more than a sentence to this kid. But all i've said to him in the months that i have liked him is "thank you". I mean grant it I will still think he's hot, and still be a awkward around him, but any other long drawn out contemplation on "what could be" stops here.

OTHER THINSG ABOUT ART BOY I HAVE FOUND OUT THAT I BASED MY CONCLUSIONS ON.

1) he has a twin. Which would be fine and dandy if it wasn't a girl. Girls don't like me, twins have that twin power thing going on, she's a cheerleader, that's a little weird
2) He's a jock. Okay so he plays Hockey, which i don't mind, but jocks have jock friends who are crude, rude, and i couldn't see hanging out with
3) His friends are those "we are so hott guys", who have more groupies than Bon Jovi did.
4)His other sister is a crazy activist around campus. Who may judge me critically and put me through the ringer
5) can't have a crush on a boy i see very little.
6) All the things i know about are surface level

As i mentioned facebook( the crazed college phenom) is a window into your lives, and when he added me as a friend, i basically got all this insight into his life, a life that i don't think i would fit into well. Now most of those things wouldn't matter one bit, when you like someone you make an effort to accept or at least understand all the things that come along with him. And i would totally make an effort to go to a game, not roll my eyes at his shallow friends, try to get his cheerleader twin sister to like me, and try not to piss off his activist older sister, IF i knew he was totally interested in me. But at this point, i'm not willing to invest so much in a boy i know so little about. About thinking all these things that he's not. I mean i wish i could say he would
1) drive me around when i'm in my bad moods
2) let me do the channel surfing on the tv
3) Be funny
4) carry on with a good conversation for more than 5 minutes
5) Be smart and likeable
6) Confident yet Humble
7) and make me feel special and safe everyday.
8)yadda yadda yadda

and in return i would give him all that i am. My bad days, good days, my insecurites and strength, but mainly my love, and only asking that he accept all it, as i accept all of his. But that isn't definite
1) with him
2) in any relatinship
but mainly not with a boy who could be smiling at any walking down the street.

So that is my conclusion, hardest thing to write because of admitting it to myself. That from a distance things look great, but conquering the nerves to get past that is what ultimately drove this thing in the ground. He is SO cute though....

Since that discovery, which was yesterday to be exact, i bumped into him. I mean literally. Rushing to get a burrito from across the street, i nearly hit him in the face with the door. I kind of yelped, and then scurried away before i could embarass myself, now i can actually go to this movie thing (how many times have i told myself this) because the one thing i am good at , is self control so i won't get all stupid around him(minus yesterday) because i'll just remind myself of all the heartache that could come about if i continue crushing on him.

For now i'll continue crushing on Gavin Degraw.