Grand Escape

I remember the episode when Buffy left Sunnydale after having to send Angel to Hell. I must admit i was that kid watching Buffy on a Tuesday(?), even following it to when it left the WB. The following season in it's premier episode Buffy was living in Los Angeles, working at some diner, trying to start anew, somehow thinking she could run away from the past and her destiny. Of course that didn't work out, and she returned to Sunnydale later on in the episode, kicking vampire ass for the next couple(and amazing )seasons...well except for the last episode, sort of a bummer if you ask me. Like they just ran out of ideas and destroyed the whole town just because they had no idea what else to do. But i'm rambling.

My mom has always credited me for my vivid imagination. So naturally anytime a new show came out, i figured that i was so this new character. I thought i was the pink power ranger in the 1st grade, wearing my pink power ranger converse until they basically had to be thrown away and i also developed a crush on a boy just because his name was Jason(the name of the red one i think). In the 4th grade i was convinced that i was going to be a teenage witch just like Sabrina the Teen Age Witch was, in the 7th grade i thought the quiet boy in my science class was an alien and was determined to be his Liz(Rosewell). And of course now i want to be George from Dead like me(what can i say, my imagination is all over the place even at 19). But Buffy the Vampire Slayer was always my crazy little phase in between, but the only episode that i can relate to is the one in which she runs away from her life, hoping that somehow avoiding it will make it a lot easier on her.

My "dark patch" sprung from the whole college thing from what was suppose to be my first "Freshman" entry into college. The whole sitaution and reasons for me starting in the spring are too long to write about in just one entry. So to sum it up briefly.

Mom + bad credit + Beckett + Out of state tuition = No school for me

Of course i didn't find out that financial aid did not cover all my cost until i was in my new dorm, meeting a few people, and coping with this new found freedom, and then recieving an email that was sent to me from the school saying that i had to fork up a whopping 10,000 in three days. Naturally I was devasted. At the time i was going to Philadelphia University. It's a small private college in like the quietest area of Philly known to man. If you haven't heard of it, don't worry about because most people haven't(if you ask people they just keep repeating "you mean UPenn", it's kind of funny). I applied because i really want to live in Philly, and it seemed like a good school. I was also accepted to Pittsburgh University and some other schools also but in weighng my options Philly offered more money and i was excited. After that fiasco and returning home pretty much devasted, i reapplied to Pitt where they accepted me for a 2nd time.

But then came to crusher. My mom, who i think wanted me to just be near her and has this idea that i want to stay in this hell hole, said that if i chose to go to Pitt she would not help me pay for school. I know it makes my mom sound cruel and stuff, but i just think she was worried about the same money problem arising there and couldn't face me returning back again. Faced with the prospects of not going to school at all, i pushed aside Pitt(so when i apply for Grad/Med school i hope they accept me for a 3rd time) and choose my current place for my undergraduate education. The months presiding my enrollment here, i was a shell inside the house. I don't think i stepped outside that whole four months. I was the girl in high school who people thought was "going" somewhere, i mean i was shy and i didn't talk to many people but i made good grades, talked with my teachers, and was kind. So to all of sudden by in a place where you see everyone progress before you and you are just stuck, i must say i was pretty depressed.

And that is where the plan arose. My plan to run away.

I don't know why it seems easier to run away from your problems then to face them head on. Maybe it's the cowards why out, but at 18 when i was suppose to be experiencing this new chapter in my life, and instead i was literally doing nothing. I wanted to take the Cowards way out like never before.

I mean i imagine what we would all do, if we could just pick up and start anew somewhere else. I mean leave that person we were and just be this new persona. No one would ever now about all the mistakes we made.All the aspects of me would be known to no one but me, and maybe i could do it right. As if this time around we will have all the answers to make the transition easier. This time all will go right, because we have the blueprints now.

I had it all figured out, I would pack a little clothes, get money, head out west on a bus. I had a fake name and everything. A fake background, a fake life, but anything seemed better than what it was then. Trapped in the house looking at my mom who at the time i couldn't stand because i blamed her for why i was home, Morgan was no help because he only cares about himself, so sitting outside one night staring at the stars i guess in a way asking them just as romeo did

"DID I DEFY YOU STARS!!!!"

I saw it as my only option. I mean all i have known is running away from my problems. My mom left my dad in the middle of the night. I mean i can still feel how cold that night was on my skin when i think of it. I see the cab, i'm in my moms arms, she is holding Morgs hand, and like thefts we snuck out. My last image is of not looking back. I guess that has always stuck with me. Cause when things look bad, my first thought is to run away from it. Of course when it was younger it was a literal running. dropped something, run upstairs and pretend like i didn't do it. Broke someones toy, run before they can catch you. I guess now it's more of an emotional run. Because disappointment hurts, though running from ourselves is more damaging.

Of course i didn't do it(sorry i have no salacious tales of my cross country trip).

Not because i was scared...just that...i didn't have the money. Somewhere in my room those bags are still packed, not because i feel like running, just because i guess they are a reminder that i can't run from everything. But if i would have had the money, i would have left in a New York minute, where too...i don't know, as long as it wasn't there.

Why this long story. Well...i haven't been sleeping well lately(as in this early morning post of Oregon Trail, sorry about that. But the game is frustrating. When i should have been studying yesterday at like 2pm, i got this strong urge to play Oregon Trail. Someone mentioned it early this week, and i was compelled to play it. So with the good old internet and about a 2 hour downloading time, i got a free trial of the game. It's a little updated from my days of playing, but i soon figured out a) why i hate it so much because everyone dies b) i like hunting and fishing and buying things in the game. So late night studying went to "dammit if someone else dies from a Cholera i am quitting").

I love sleep more than anything, mainly cause i like dreaming. I mean something about a bed, punch of pillows and fading into a la la land of my own dreams is what i like. But lately i've spent most of the night staring at the ceiling. Insomnia. I get it only when i'm stressed. My thoughts are cluttered with the anxiety resulting from the end of this semester and bio and chem still kicking my ass. Add in Thanksgiving, a pinch of History, a Tablespoon of English, and a teaspoon of Spanish, and you have the ingredients to "Beckett Stress Stew" serve it with social inabilities, gettig sick during crunch time, and a nagging migrane and you have a full course meal to serve 8.

This is the time when i wish i could run from it all. Pack my bags, head to Seattle or something and start fresh and new. Remove all this clutter that seems to surround me. Of course life isn't that easy, unfortunately the blueprints aren't handed to me, i have to construct them myself or my house will crumble.

So what was my alias name?

Name: Cadence Elizabeth Baye
and i bet she would have been awesome.

Back to studying. No more Oregon Trail for me. I have cursed more in one night than i need to.