Hysterical Blindness

My room is a mess.

I notice that the state of my room, always dictates the complete state of mind that i am in right now. So i guess, i'm pretty cluttered with all these thoughts and things that need to get done in less than two weeks.

So now i have to clean my whole room, or i will be unable to get work done, and will do as i did yesterday...which was nothing. I mean physically i couldn't do anything yesterday. I crawled into bed, brought the blanket and Bruce(my stuffed animal) close to me, and spent the whole day watching tv. I need at least one nonproductive day before the grind of next week.

I've admitted that i am a tv junkie. It's not that i live for watching the tube, its complete and utter entertainment for me. I just need the noise of voices speaking in the background, and usually as i study or even listen to music i will glance up at the tv, when i hear a certain phrase that catches my ears. Yesterday it was "So does this mean that you all have sex together". My head shot up.

So....I hate Montel. If you haven't seen it, it is like the last actual "talk show" left, other than Maury, Jerry, and whoever else. What i hate about Montel is that i feel he really wants to do a service to the viewers by coming up with these topics for his shows. I mean Jerry is clearly a carnival, Maury has only 4 shows "Whose my baby daddy", "my daughter is a tramp", "Makeover Specials," and "ect(which are his misc. shows), Ricki is two steps away from being a three ring circus, and Sally was one crazy woman with big red glasses. They all knew their show was complete garbage, for fun and showing us how better our lives are for not being as screwed up as the guest on the show. Not Montel. He makes a valiant effort to produce "good" "heartwrenching" tv that seems to fall flat on his face. But i try to watch it when i come to my room early and have 20 minutes to spare.

Yesterday their was a show on a new "lifestyle" among married people. Apparently there are many couples in the states who are inviting another couples to be "married" with them. So the wife will have 2 husbands, and the husbands will in return have to wives. They live in sexual bliss, mixing up partners from night to night. They live together, and i don't know how the sleeping arrangment goes, but the whole time i was like "EWWWW". What was funny though was when Montel went in the audience asking what they thought of this new "lifestyle"The woman all had the "Thats nasty" face while the men were like "well if it works..." followed by a glare from their significant others.

We already know my position on marriage. And i bet by now Mike(who i usually have these conversations with) must think i am some feminist or something. Deep down though, i think we all kind of want that commitment with someone else. I mean even i from time to time(don't hold this against me, i have never admitted this before) wonder about how i might like married life. I mean coming home to a familar face, being committed to someone, having a life that is shared with someone else. Dinner with friends, owning a home together, and even the routine of it all that would make the hecticness of life a little more bearable. Maybe because ,i at least, like the familarity of it, that no matter what i coming back to someone who shares the same notion that we love each and are willing to stick it through. That is what carries us through life, and life would be a lot easier if we shared it together.

But thats only somedays.

Watching the Montel thing, i was like "there is no way in hell i would invite a couple into my marriage just because i or my husband is attracted to one of them". I mean...EWWW. Even if Gavin Degraw, my future husband, was like "Beck, i love you..but our marriage would be a little more spicier if we..." No. No. No. and then more No. I may not always get the whole concept of marrige, but i do know that if i or Gavin :) wasn't completely commited to each other, and was going to invite every other person we were attracted to in a relationship, well i wouldn't be with him. I wouldn't get married, i wouldn't pass it off as some lifestyle to justify my freakiness. Married people scare me.

So then i must have passed out or blacked out or something, cause the next thing i now it's 8 o'clock and i'm watching "The biggest loser" which i never watch. I've now decided i'm going to eat cake, pizza, and every other fatty food, so i can gain a lot of weight, than apply for the show, lose a hell of a lot of weight, returning to 110, and then win 250,000 and prove to everyone that i am really hot. The whole show was stupid.

Basically you take insecure people with weight problems. Put them on a show called "THE BIGGEST LOSER", document their difficulties with food, by tempting them with cupcakes, and pizza. Catch all their tears, screaming match, and relapses. Then scare the hell out of them but voting them off but bringing them back for a 2 hour finale to put them on scale to see if they have lost any weight. It must be torture, I think the whole process would be great if it wasn't on TV but then that wouldn't bring in the ratings or something. The whole time they were like "i kept the weight off, because i really need the money" some were like "i wanted a life time change" but you saw how "i'm so pretty now" they had all become, and i had to ditch the show for something not so depressing.

Anyway

I've never made a New's Year Resolution, because i think we make to break them. Some how having a list of what we want to improve, seems to show how A) easily it can be improved b) how unwilling we are to improving them which is why we break them.

So i have opted for a "starting over" resolution, that has not been completed yet, but was what i was thinking about as i got my sub today. I guess in more ways then one, i am tired of the routine of not having the friends that i want, the acedmic career that i want, the social life and boy that i want, and other things that are in reach but that i'm not stretching out far enough to grab. The main thing i learned when i went to the conference was to enjoy my undergraduate life, because Med School kind of leaves you dry. So... i don't want to be the life of the party, i don't want to go to football games, keg parties, and make out with some random dude twice a week. But i would like meaningful relationships, i would like to feel apart of something, even if it's just a really small something.

For reason connections are important. When you have bad days, off days, or just days when you want to go get a burrito with a friend. They are important because we don't feel so lonely without them. We don't feel like a pariah. And on a Saturday night we aren't cursing at the chemistry problems we have been working on for five hours. We need connections to fill in the cracks. Those times, when we just need someone to talk to. Someone to be there. Thats not asking for a lot i suppose.

Well time to clean. I'm a horrible cleaner, half assed is the way that i do it. As long as i can get most of the clutter in a proper place, i will feel better. I hope.