Diamond in the Rough.

Wasn't that the theme of America's Next Top Model this season?

Anyway.

I've always heard that phrase use about aspects of my life. When i was in journalism i wrote this really good article about a faculty member at my highschool. He was like the oldest guy ever, who wore pimped out suits, talked about the good old days when you had to walk to school. His name was Mr. Mack and he became a sort of staple at the school. The interview with him went great, he was open to all the questions that i had to ask him and even helped me when i drew a blank( i suck at interviewing people, i once had to interview the coach for the swimming team, and i was nearly recruited.). I spent the whole week making sure the paper was just the way i wanted it to be. And even the editor and the teacher said it was a good article. It was touching. My teacher said "right now it is a diamond in the rough, but with a little polishing, it is a really strong article." Of course it was not published and instead some piece about the newest fashion was put in.

Thats pretty much seems to be the story of my emergence into "adulthood" i have seemed to reverse the aging process and have somehow reverted in an awkard teen stage, which usually comes before the age of 19. I'm still awkard and unsure of myself, and have days when i just want to feel pretty.

I mean when i was younger( i know i'm only 19), i was like "i'm hot stuff, and i know it". My brother always jokes that i was more of a boy crazed girl when i was 8, then now. And i wonder if that is because in a way i'm afraid to be dare i say...pretty. attractive. A hot stellar babe.

The times i have been asked out i A) was too blind to notice i was getting hit on, and only realized afterwards when Marie made fun of me B) hid under a table. Okay so i've been stalked a couple of times, but thats a whole other traumatic story, that my mom loves to bring up.

I dont know why i've become so uncomfortable in my skin. Maybe its a fear of relationships with people. Of getting so invovled only to have to leave them. Really its the fear that they will leave me, grow bored, move on, and i will have invested all of that emotion and devotion only to be rejected.

Even though i said Romeo and Juliet was a stupid movie, when i flip through the channels while looking for something to watch, i will stop when i see it on the telly and get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe Romeo and Juliet had it easy. I mean sure it's tragic that they died, and their families suffered greatly. But they will never grow old, never get mad at each other, never become disinterested, worry about jealousy, deception. I mean i'm not saying there is not a lot of good things that come with love, but for them they will never experience the bad. The bad is painful, i mean it's life, but it's a painful part.

Relationships are not somthing you can scrap when things get bad. I mean it's not something you can just run away from (now the dream about the doctor makes sense). And i notice that i have a tendency of running when things get too tough for me . When emotions get involved that is. I have protected myself from getting hurt in relationships by denying them all together.

So when i look back and go "i wonder where the big shift came and i became such a shell of who i "was" " I notice that what i should be really saying is "When i did i become so afraid". I think thats what the whole diamond in the rough thing refers. All the pieces are there, but you i'm just not putting them together right. I assumed i was missing the pieces, that i lost them along the way, and was on a search to recover them. When really I've always had them, but just have not put them in the right place, and the picture is just distorted.