What the hell have i been doing?
Well what i haven't been doing is?
-sleeping with a toothless crossdresser who may have one time slept with my cousin earline in the trailer down by the river
-chatting it up with oprah about how to decorate a bathroom with an extrodinary hot designer named Nate, who may or may not be gay, but i don't care.
-Having a dna test for the 9th time to see who the hell really is my baby daddy
-Living in a house with four other people, trying to find a job, not burn down the house, and make as much friends as possible as to not upset the residence in the house, all while trying to decorate the house.
What i have been doing:
Is watching entirely too much talk shows (Jerry, Maury, and Montel), playing my new game the Sims, and pulling my hair out because i am totally bored being home.
My absence can be credited to my mother, who thinks that because we have cell phones, the use for a phone in the house is ridiculous. We don't have DSL because well my mom still doesn't know how to use the email, so i have waited, impatiently, of course until the wonderfully loud screaching noise of the modem came on later on today.
I have absolutely missed blogging, and realize how addictive it is to want to write down every waking thought that pops in my head. There were moments of "that was a really cool thought i had i should go write it down...oh wait damn". So needless to say i am very happy, to continue ranting on this thing. I have gone a week without doing so.
Home has been...well i don't know how to put it. I will say that lady luck has here eye out for me, and not in a good way. As soon as we get home, the car dies. I mean, won't start, cursing bloody hell to the heavens, and then being defeated, and trapped in the house for a week. A whole week, without the internet, without the Xbox because apparently it broke so my brother sold it for 50 dollars, and reading The House of Mirth which nearly made me pull my hair out.
I have also come to realize that without me, my brother and mom would a) starve b) freeze to death c) not have a house decorated for christmas. It's disturbing. I have literally brought the life back into this dried up house, and i am exhausted.
A couple of days ago, i was going through some of my old journals(the ones i wrote in) that went back to 4th grade. I do it every time i come home, i go in my journals and try to see what the helll is wrong with me, and why i am the way that i am, and maybe if i find it, i can fix it and make myself whole again.
This time was different though. With the first line of my journal i literally got tired of reverting back to the past. I notice i do that a lot. I keep remembering how great things were, that i have been stagnant in that loathing state of what could of been, instead of what is. I have wasted so much time, and relationships with people who probably don't even remember who i am. And at that moment i choose not to do that anymore. I don't want to deny myself all these experiences that i will have because i can't seem to move from a past that is no longer mine.
I'm not who i may have been without all the shit i have gone through, and even though they have moved on, i still linger. I don't want to linger anymore. I deserve more than to linger. I have to write down my "starting over" list soon. I'm finally ready to move on from trying to find some link to my unhappiness, because i realized it resides in me not wanting to move foward. I have caught myself in a trap and need to be freed from it. So i boxed up all my old journals, stories, and taped it up like no one else's business. It is deep in my closet, where it belongs, along with the past.
So, more updates are bound. i have the internet now. YEAH!!!
I did okay this year with my grades. and by okay i mean i made the same grades i made last year. The exact same. Which means my GPA has remained unchanged. I have to kick ass next semester. I am taking Bio 102, psych, engl lit, spanish, calc or phsyics, and then will be taking a lot of summer classes (thanks to loans), so my plate is pretty filled. I also have to get in control of my life. I hate being unhappy, i would like to make friends, and get the eye of a certain art boy who is amazingly beautiful. I'm kind of ready for 2005 to be over with. The new year promises something...maybe the something i have been looking for.
Things to look forward to in 2006:
-Well and i'll be turning 20 March 1st.
-I will be heading to NYC to see my dad, the Museum of Modern Art, and family, but won't be trying to relive the past as i have done before.
-Hopefully i will get to work in the hospital.
-Art boy will notice me and fall head over heels in love(okay so thats pushing it)
-The summer promises 30 credits i wil acquire from the school in town, working at the hospital with the hot doctor who helped my brother with the little "problem", and volunteering at a summer camp of arts for kids.
But i'll just enjoy the rest of 2005 for now.
Now back to playing the Sims. I've played the Urbz, but this one seems different. Like i don't just get to dance near a gambling, hip hop, rocker, socialite until i become the cool person in the neighborhood. Apparently i actually have to start a life for a sim. It seems like too much, let me start mine first before i revert to video games. Oh!!! but i get to create a hot Art boy...nevermind this game may actually be fun.
More later. For real.
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