Mushaboom

I'm not use to talking on the phone for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I mean unless you are my mom, or my dad i can basically only stay on the phone for about 15 minutes before i'm lying on the bed wondering what song i'm about to download.

It's not that i can't hold a conversation, it's just that well i haven't had the phone ringing off the hook since i was in the 6th grade, and honestly am not use to having conversations at length with friends.

Kay called today. We have been text messaging each other since school ended, and it's just been stupid things like "i haven't called anyone a bastard since i woke up, you should be proud"(so i have a tendency of calling anything a bastard, nazi, and whore...My language is very pleasant. You should see me at a vending machine that isn't working..Its a sight), and her reminding me to be pleasant to the world.

I never realized how much i missed having a friend, until i had one actually calling me on the phone and asking me for advice on things. I think people forget that i am only 19 and seem to talk to me about things i have no idea about, but it was nice just trying to be helpful and i guess in the process feeling a little "grown up".

She talked about her impending separation with uber hott, but not so stable ex-husband. I talked about being addicting to the sims(which she too admited she was addicted too for a while, the game should be outlawed) and that i may need to join an help group. She talked about hott new boots she thinks i would love, i talked about converse. So we are on two different wavelengths, but we somehow find comfort in each other. And we went way past my "30 minute" mark.

I mentioned coffee dude, and she did the girly "OMG!!! now i totally have to make you over. We can go shopping, and get out hair done..." i think i tuned out for the last 5 minute of girly yelling. She also taught me "meet up etiquette":

1) Meet in while populated areas (i knew that one)

2) If and when i do talk to him about meeting up, make it real casual say something like "hey i'm going to be in the bookstore later on, if you want to get some coffee you can meet me up there later". That leaves the ball in my court, and makes it casual

3) seem interested. Sometimes i get that "geez i'm really bored face" (what can i say, i can't hide my feelings on my face). Ask questions, don't answer with "yes and no" , and don't "sell him the whole store" . Boys like mystery and telling them my biography in the short time coffee takes to drink is a big NO NO.

4) Have a go to person. She said that it's good to bring a friend along. She can sit somewhere else, wait for my signal if things are going bad, and can come to my rescue with "Hey , i didn't know you were here" and then drag me to safety.

She seemed more interested than i did, but it was nice, for someone to take such interest. I guess i'm not use to that.

I try to learn things from everyone i meet. And i see Kay as someone i can learn a lot from. I mean she has taken me under her wing. We got on the topic of her relationship with men, because of well psycho ex/present husband and a boy she dated( i have to stop calling men boys) while they were on a break. A boy who is late all the time, has no ambition, but is extremely charming and not so bad to look at. He recently failed the two classes he was taking this semester and has no idea what to do about next semester.

She said that all her life she has been involved with a man. She has never been single, and always attached. And that if she could have anything it would be to be single, and not be involved.

Now i know you are probably thinking "this proved my morbid pessimism towards relationships" but it didn't i was petrified that she was telling me her bad experiences with marriage. I mean i was on the other end of the line, mouth open as she is telling me how her 1st marriage when she was 18 was horrible and her 2nd marriage with current psycho husband was even harder. So i told her. I was like "see this is what scares me about marriage, everything you just said is like my biggest fear".

I really am a hopeless romantic, and it makes me sick. Absolutely sick that i have unrealistic aspirations of falling head over heels in love. That i am willing to be so vulnerable in a relationship... i mean for me it isn't roses and dazzling presents. It's about a person i let my guard down for, who i cry in front of, who wipes aways the tears but realizes that they need to flow. I don't want much, just someone i can be "small and needy ", who i can depend on, who will never let me down.

But talking to Kay, she made the light bulb go off in my head. I love those moments. It's as if everything has clicked. I guess i keep forgetting that marriage isn't just about how much you love someone. I assumed that marriage is just for love, and roses, and swee times with the man who steals your heart. I mean it is in away(though not so disgustingly chessy), but it's also about how you live a life with this person. Love can only carry you so far if you look beyond it being just about the unrealistic "romance novel" aspect of it. You have to be like "can i spend the rest of my life with this person, will he support me in my aspirations as i do his, and am i willing to spend the rest of my life, ups and downs, with a person who is willing to go through life with me."

I mean if you put it in that respect, than i totally understand it. I mean as i write this, it's clicking again. She said you want someone who arises the butterflies in your stomach, who ,for me anyway, doesn't mind gazing at the stars, dancing, and occasional roof top retreats to watch the city lights, but he also has to be someone you can spend of your life surviving life with. I mean life is fucking hard. But it's a lot easier with the person you love, who can be your retreat.

I wanted to ask her so much more, i wanted to spill some more of my anxieties, but i didn't. I guess it's just nice to know that i can, whenever they arise. I use to believe that my soulmate( I was in a soulmate phase for a little while. I use to read these books by L.J Smith when i was in the 7th grade. It was about soulmates who were like vampires and other weird stuff, so i was convinced he was out there, well minus the blood sucking part, designed just for me), was out there looking at up at the same sky thay i looked at, and thats why i never felt lonely. I figure how could i feel lonely, if he was gazing up at the same night sky i was. Of course i have moved on from that stage, but its nice to not be so afraid of those relationships i try so hard to degrade.

It's just fear. We all just want to be loved, we all want to be important to someone else. In fear that i wont ever feel that safe, i avoid getting close. I assume nothing good will come from it, because that's all I've know. I guess i'm still working on that.

Well i'm pretty tired. My bed is calling me and tempting me with soft pillows and a big bear named Charlie. It has one this battle this time but not next time.

Goodnight and have pleasant dreams.

Oh...My sim is pregnant. Gavin and Beckett( okay you can totally make the face, but i couldn't think if any other male name and my sim needed a husband...) are due to have a baby any day now. She is very lazy now, and keeps pissing on the floor while eating her husband out of house and home.

I don't know why this game is so addictive.