Even when you want to escape you can't....

hmmm....It seems I have got myself in a catch 22.

WHO IS BECKETT AMELIA HUGHES?

My mom has always taught me the value of keeping things to myself because it makes things a whole lot easier.

-We never talked to our neighbors, until we made sure their creepy level was not above a 5.

-We don't give out too much information, unless we have to.

-And we sure as hell make sure our house is our domain. It is the escape from the world we enjoy after a tough day in a place that can be cruel and unforgiving.

-We have always been secretive people. We don't answer knocks on our door. We don't answer phone call unless it is from family and friends, and embarrassingly enough we like closed doors. I like being trapped in my own little world, in my space, room, house that is all my own.

Because secrets are our things, we have learned to escape(literally) when they are sought out. My mom has taken the "pick up all that we have known and leave tactic" my brother has apoted the "fight your way out of a paper bag tactic"(which is quite funny to watch) . But I have learned the "back into a corner, roll into a ball, and hope that the questions some how bounce off my shell, and wait until I am free to uncurl."

So by nature I have adapted to the life of secrecy. I would make a perfect secret agent(though they would have to give me a cooler name), because when all else fails, Secrets are my forte. Though my emotions aren't.

When i asked my mom if i should continue writing on this blog, she was adamant that i go forward with it, because my voice needs to be heard. Strangely this has become my escape, writing, documenting, telling my tales of everyday existence is this crazy place. And as an escape it has become a safe haven for my thoughts, it has become my writing home, especially when I don't feel like I'm home in my "real" life.

I know that doesn't seem like much. I know that people want more. I have notice that even as I attend school the whole social aspect revolves around giving yourself freely, which is hard for me. Everyone soon learns, that some things I just don't tell.That my evasive nature is just something they too have to adapt too. Those things are usually the things I write in this blog. I don't walk the street freely yelling "today I cried...for a real long time...Philadelphia is a really sad movie!" But it's vice versa for this, i'll tell my emotions, fears, doubts, million crushes that I have(art boy still reigning at # 1), and even getting beat up by a 6 year old, but in return those are really the only things I can give myself freely doing, because something just have to remain secrets.

I hope thats enough.

I know I don't seem like a tangible human being. But I am graspable. I wrote my whole English final on my words being the windows to my soul and don't give my soul out freely. that my words are more than what you can see from me, because what I write is who I am, and that's more important than anything. Hopefully you can feel me in the words that I write, you can somehow see me, and know me, and be apart of what I'm going through. It's the life of a secret person(what can I say), because I need those secrets. I have nothing else that will sustain me other than those things.

Let this be my escape. An escape in which I leave all that's behind. An escape that when writing makes me feel like

-a confident girl/woman who is embarking on this great journey, and herself along the way.

-a funny, witty girl who has great friends and an awesome life worry free of school, tuition, but only enjoying the time here.

Or maybe

-a girl who has her shit together, who you look at and can tell she is going someplace. She is on top of everything.

But mainly she isn't a girl with only one friend to her name, who still has horrible social skills, who cannot manage to tell the boy she has a crush on that she likes him, who goes unnotice in the crowd,(god this sound like a MADE commercial. "I want to be Made") and who somedays just lost.

Let this be my escape. It's the only place that I feel comfortable at. Its the only place I have been able to express myself freely and not feel judged. It has evolved into this Dr. Phil isque( except him being old and bald) revelation for me, as I read back on my entries and notice the progress I have made in escaping this rut.

Let this be my escape. It's what I hold on dearly to.

I hope that's enough.

-Beck-