Edge of the Ocean

My New Years Eve sucked.

It started out promising. My brother was actually in the house for more than 5 minutes, my mom got off work early, and I was ready for the late staying up to see the oldest man alive announce the dropping of the ball.

Then we were all in the kitchen, and they started joking about being happy that I was going back to school. I mean they made me feel as if I had overstayed my welcome in my own house, and that now it was time for me to go. I know it was just a joke (as my mom describes how fast she is going to drop me off at my dorm, with a sigh of relief), but behind every joke is a little truth. So after that I was pissed for the whole day.

I think my mom can tell, I have been doing the small chatter, not really listening, over analyzing the "joke" over and over again in my head. I don't know the joke hit a nerve, I mean I've been writing about how my home doesn't really feel like a home anymore, and then you have them joking about it. Bad timing folks.

So after that, I was in a mood for the whole day. My brother left, returning later only to grab a slice of pizza, and my mom kept complaining about a headache she had. So instead of a fun filled, last weekend at home, time spent munching on pizza, chatting, laughing, and watching the ball drop together. I was alone. My mom kept falling asleep in between shows, finally going upstairs around 7, telling me to wake her up before the ball dropped. For the next four hours, I literally died of boredom, and felt completely alone.

There was no poltergeist marathon, no cheesecake, and no really good weekend. No one called, no was at the house, and I was camped out on the couch, feeling like I did that whole year....as if life was going on around me, as I was incased in a bubble that doesn't seem to sweet anymore. I was suppose to wake her up at 11, but I was so mad that I had spent my whole day basically alone, that I didn't really feel like watching the ball drop with her. So I woke her up at 11:30, and went to my room, while she went downstairs to watch the ball drop. I figured why spend the last 30 minutes watching the ball drop with a person who couldn't even spend the day with me.

At around 11:45 , I remembered my amazing ability to daydream. I mean it's a skill people, to just be able to close my eyes, and go wherever I want to go. Another one of those mechanism sure, but one that I can deal with. I figure I spend the better half of my day, wishing I was somewhere else anyway, why not do it while the ball dropped, close my eyes, while listening to a song, and just pretend I was somewhere else, doing actually what I wanted at that moment.

So I grabbed my laptop, opened iTunes, had to pick the right song, put the tv on mute, turned the lights off, and huddled in bed, and thought up a pleasant alternative to this one. I was listening to Ivy's "Edge of the Ocean, and for some reason thought of the beach. I'm not a big fan of the beach, I mean I love the water, but I had this really bad experience with seeing an extremely old man in speedos, so now when I see a beach, I think of speedos, and old men in them. Ewww.

But I do love the water. Okay so the Hudson isn't the most beautiful piece of water, you'll see, but I loved it. Maybe it was because I was watching Entourage on HBO (it's good), but as soon as I closed my eyes, I was saw myself on a beach. It was at that point when the sun was going down, but cool enough that the wind was blowing my hair. I was their my best friends, small group of like 10, and we strolling down the beach barefoot. I was holding hands with a fellow, never saw his face though, and I was having one of those hard laughs, that cause you to throw your head back, so the whole world can hear it.

It was short choppy shots. I mean Of course there was dancing, drinking wine (I've smelt beer, kind of like piss, but then again it was when Marie lived in the dorm with three other people, and someone might have actually pissed on the floor), and more laughter. Then I was at a house, dressed surprisingly hot in a little black dress. We shouted down the ball dropping, erupting into complete euphoria when it hit 12:00. It was fabulous. Even if it wasn't real.

Of course when I opened my eyes, I was back to reality, in a dark room, watching Time Square go crazy, and wishing I wasn't here. My mom came up soon after, wishing me a happy 2006, as I pitifully said the same. Then I closed my door, and dreamt of beaches.

So 2006 is here. I go back to school on Thursday, classes starting next Monday. I'm ready to go back. In a way I felt like I have been here too long, and am kind of ready to start...Life again.

I have to write down my "starting over" list. It's all jumbled in my head, with no clear direction. Maybe that should be on the list, have some clear direction.

Monk Marathon today. USA Network is on a roll.

Happy New Year.

I hope it promises everything you imagined.

"There's a world I've always known

Somewhere far away from home

When I close my eyes I see

All the space and mystery

Ohhh, we can begin again

Shed our skin, let the sun shine in

At the edge of the ocean

We can start over again"

-Ivy-