Heathen

I haven't(or maybe I have) mentioned that for the past three weeks I have been reading the gospels.

Trust me it isn't because I want to, but for some reason our English professor feels that European Lit, can include material that has nothing(as far as I know) to do with European writers and their works.

In his mind, he thought starting off the new semester with reading the gospels would be a grand old time. YEAH RIGHT!

I have been struggling to read a hundred odd pages of the same story. I have fallen asleep many times with the book by my side, and then waking up to realizing that I have like 10 more pages(small print) to go. BLAH.

It's not even that I don't want to read it. I have long sense evolved from my angry "I'm not going to church girl" routine, sure I'm not religious, but I admire ,to an extent, that people have a religion, that the feel it helps them get through life a little easier. I on the other hand believe that people will generally make each other happy or miserable, but it's easier to get through life with the faith you have in humanity. Which is probably why I'm so unhappy...But whatever, I believe that everyone will eventually meet the people, family, friends, hot boyfriend( =) ) who will enrich their life, and that from there you will learn truly what happiness is, after you find what it is for yourself.

Of course trying to explain that concept, to people who have increasingly become religious in recent years is pretty hard, and most times I feel like an outsider. As I do in my English discussion class. I am so happy that we are finished with the gospels because I know nothing about the bible, I didn't even know there was like a difference between the new and old testament.

So anyway, everyone in my discussion class, seems to know the bible like the back of their hand. I mean most of them came in with their own bible, while I bought the one the teacher photocopied and put in a folder. They are throwing out names, and versus like it has been beat into their heads, and I just sit there, in la la land, wishing I was somewhere else.

It doesn't help when you have the resident bible guru named David in your class. The dude is like the Messiah. I mean for real. He walks in as if he is gliding on air, takes his seat in the corner, and talks really philosophical. And not in a pompous way. He is cute, and kind of scruffy looking with his kind of unshaven face, and dresses like he just climbed a mountain or something. He's kind of magnetic, cause he looks so unassuming, and them "BAM!!!" he starts shooting versus like a preacher.

So when we had to join groups today to discuss certain topics the TA assigned I clearly wanted to be in his group, and I even sat next to him. Right off the back I tell them I know nothing about the new, old, kind of new, kind of old bible, and that I would feel comfortable writing down what they came up with(cause we needed a writer) but another girl offered first, and I instantly felt like the heathen of the group, as soon as David pulled out his Bible with post-it notes.

I had nothing really to say, I mean sure I can talk about life, death, yadda yadda yadda, but get me talking about religion, and you have just shoved me in a corner, and flashed a big stage light on me.

Sometimes I do feel like people perceive my lack of faith as me being some...Well a heathen. Yesterday on the phone with my mother I laughed at the stupidity of high school students signing some oath vowing to not have sex until they were married.(teenager=hormones=sex) what's even weirder is that there was a recent story of fathers giving their daughters the chaste ring to wear, like what the hell is that all about, I don't even want my father mentioning sex yet along handing me a ring, almost vowing to him that I wont have sex. GROSS and WEIRD.

My mother did not think this was so funny, and then questioned me on why I thought it was stupid to wait until marriage. When Marie and I went to the bookstore downtown one weekend there was this old guy yelling that we were all going to hell for not following the will of god, and that we needed to read the bible. So I whispered something like " I wish he would have told me this early before the 20 dollar hooker and crack cocaine I smoked last night. Would have done me a whole lot of good". The man in front of me did not think it was so funny though... I thought it was amusing.

I mean I think I'm a good person, sure sometimes I'm sarcastic(ex:making reference to hookers and crack), and I do curse, but thats the extent of my "badness"

I don't feel like faith dictates what type of person you are going to be. And I don't think any one is less or more, because of what they do or do not believe. Most of my ideas were overridden by David though(we had the relate the NT to Plato and I made a comment that the father represents the spirit, as women represents the flesh and that fatherhood is discredited because in the story the ultimate father is god.), who kept on relating stuff to the direct passages again, and most of the follower-I mean people in our group, went by his stuff, and discarded my voice in the corner.

I have to learn how to speak up more, I'm terribly frightened of saying something stupid, but I'm starting to learn that it is better than letting someone perceive you as an idiot. Not saying that he did, but I mean..I'm so frightened of my voice sometimes, that I forget how important it is just to be heard.

Cause it's important to let people see that the way you live life, is okay for you, and the way they live is okay for them. We all have the right. So I may be a heathen, but I live under my rules, the one's I think will make me eventually make me happy. So it doesn't concur with the accepted law, but a girl said in class "it was common sense to follow the bibles laws" and I thought to myself "it's common sense to be a good person" to live for what makes you happy. Cause even though, most days I think life sucks, I live because I know it will get better, that eventually the course will get easier, or at least remain at a constant track that I can function on cruise control.

So I have to prepare to say some in depth crap about Romeo and Juliet next week and blow them all of the water, show them what this heathen has to save. ROUND 2 of Romeo and Juliet. BLAH

We have to sign up for room assignments for next semester, and I assumed I was just going to stay in this dorm. It's close to everything, I have my own space, and I actually kind of like it, I have my own patio. We don't have to sign up for rooms until february,but I wrote the lady in charge to ask her how to submit an application for the same room. To my shock and surprise, this dorm is being TORN DOWN!!!!

Yeah.

Shot to the heart. So now I have to wait until Feb to see what dorms are offering single rooms, because there is no way I am going through another roommate problem. Big head still gives me the evil eye when I pass her on the street. I'm not going through that again. Getting an apartment is always an option, but that would requiring finding a job that doesn't have me burning myself on a hot grill, and then sticking my hands in the cold onion bowl for relief.

Well see what happens. I get to tutor kay for Bio 101(she asked me), I feel all smart now and have to prepare the notes we will be going over.

I'll try not to do anything heathen worthy. But I can't promise anything.