Kiss Me You Fool !

[Donnie tries to kiss Gretchen and she pulls away] Donnie: Well I-I, sorry I... Gretchen: Donnie wait... Donnie: I like you a lot... Gretchen: I just want it to be... At a time when... It... Donnie: When what? Gretchen: When it reminds me just... Donnie: When it reminds you of how beautiful the world can be? Gretchen: Yeah... [turns her head] Gretchen: and right now there's some fat guy over there staring at us.

Sometimes I get frustrated when Kay talks about her boy problems.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing on her part that gets me frustrated. I liked sitting at the restaurant the other day, sitting in the booth,ordering food, and then having awesome conversation about life and stuff.

Lately her life has been filled with her wanting to continue a relationship with a boy she has fallen in love with, and her knowing that it wouldn't work out. Her and Hot ex-husband don't really have any chance of getting back together. I mean he's at the house the majority of the time to be with the kids, but that's pretty much the extent of that. While she was separated from him she started to see this guy named Kevin. In her opinion he's great and wonderful, and everything she has ever wanted...Problem is he's late all the time, and irresponsible.

When I say late, I mean like 3 hours. He was too late to take her to a play on her birthday, he barely shows up on dates, and things like that. I can't stand that. I mean don't be late....5 minutes I understand, 10 minutes I'm a little pissed, but 3 hours that's not even cool. So they broke up, and ever since then they have talked on and off, and she still says that she loves him. But asked me what she should do.

I think it's extremely weird when people ask me for advice about relationships. Like the answers I tell them, I am totally just pulling out of the air. As I'm giving my Doctor Phil advice all I can think is "I've never had boy problems, I hope what I'm telling her makes sense".

My DR. Phil advice: Your word is bond, it's the only thing we have, so for someone to completely break a date, or not be there when you need him, especially when he says he will, shows how weak his character is. In relationships we are suppose to be there for one another, and him showing up late shows that in some part of his life, you do not matter.
KAY: But I love him, he makes me feel happy.
DR. Phil: But there are going to be moments in your life in which you are going to want him by your side, if you win an award, anniversaries, the important stuff. Because showing up, shows that you are a pivotal part of his life, that you matter, just as he matters to you
Kay: what should I do
Dr. Phil: Listen, I'm not advising you to get back together with him, that's your choice but you have to realize that you accepting him back, is accepting that there are just going to be some things he's going to miss out on, and you have to see if you want that in your life. Cause I'd want someone to be there during the important stuff wouldn't you...[and then I eat my fries and start humming. I have to stop that]

I don't even know where I pulled that out of.Sometimes I feel like I have lived a million past lives, each one giving me some kind of insight that allows me to just say things I have no idea what I am talking about. I been called "wise" and "old soul" for as long as I can remember. Adults are always like "you look so young, and then you open your mouth and your an old soul". Which I don't mind. But being so use to talking about adult situations, I'm kind of oblivious on how to be young.

My English professor last year said that I am wise beyond my years, but because I'm only 19 I haven't yet acquired how to express such big concepts. Like a baby who is asking for food, but they can't say "I'm hungry" yet, so they point, or grunt, or grasp out for the thing that they want, hoping their parent will understand. Well that's how I am, or at least how I come across.

But being so use to dealing with or analyzing/listening to adult problems at such a young age, it's kind of frustrating in listening to problems I have never had,and for my almost unrealistic expectations about them.

Case in point: MY FIRST KISS.

Now I haven't in the last day, went out, found a boy, and shared an awkward kiss with him. But dammit my first kiss is way overdue.

Yes I am 19 and have never really kissed before. And no I have no aspirations to be like Drew Barrymore in "Never Been Kissed". My first kiss kiss was with Jason when I was like 10, and that was over a game of house. We had assigned each other to be the mother and father, and then we went to playground, and pressed each others mouth together, until we heard my brother yelling for me 5 minutes later.

But that's about it.

I even avoided a kiss during a game of Spin-the-Bottle, where the whole point is to kiss and be kissed. When the bottle landed on me, I chickened out at the last moment, saying I couldn't kiss Andrew(I think that was his name) because I didn't know him, and didn't like him like that. I expected my kiss to be magical and not over a stupid game of Spin-the-Bottle with 12 other peering 13 year old eyes.

But yesterday as I was partnered up with a boy in my Spanish class who looked like he had stitches on his lips, I couldn't help but stare. And his chapped lips reminded me that I had never been kissed. Like the lightbulb went off somewhere and I was like "hey, what the hell is that all about"

Sure I had all the possibilities of being kissed. The boys who have shown and interest and I had an interest on them, but there was always the "no that can't happen"in the back of my mind and these almost kisses have all been in fairly good locations. The museum, a recital, a staircase, and yet nothing. NADA. Beckett 0 vs. World +12 billion.

So sitting there the other day, spewing out my Dr. Phil advice I was also kind of thinking "give you advice on men, I've barely even kissed a boy" , and then staring a chapped lips I was like "my lips are way softer ,yet I bet you've kissed plenty of people."

I don't get it.

And because of this delayed smooch fest, I have unrealistic expectations about it. Trust me I don't expect fireworks or some crap like that, but if the theme of this year is "magical" than that's what I expect.

In High school I had a crush on a boy named Jared( all these crushes, I can't keep count). Don't worry, he was an actually boy I talked to, and who kind of knew I liked him, since he kind of liked me. We talked on a regular basis. During school, waiting for the bus, on the bus, and I assumed gave kind of hints that we liked each other. But then he failed the 9th grade(he was such a sweet kid though, though spent his 9th grade year, doing everything but studying) after that I didn't see him as much, I was moved to honor classes(and for some reason they have us blocked off as if we are radioactive or something. But we still tried to talk on the bus when we had the chance. I usually sat in the front, him way in the back.

But one day, it was a crowded ride home and I sat in the middle. No one apparently got on the bus who usually got off at my stop, and since we were the last two stops on the route, we were also the last two people on the bus that day also. He moved into my seat, after everyone had left. The bus driver had a nickname for me, since I always sat up front near him and made small chatter, he called me "angel" and when Jared moved in my seat he kind of checked to make sure I wasn't being bothered, but I smiled at him, and he resumed driving the bus.

We were sitting pretty low in the seat, so the bus driver couldn't see us talking(scandalous , I know). We were face to face, whispering to each other. "hey how are you?" "I'm doing good, you?" "Classes are okay, teachers don't seem too bad, you?". Things like that. His head was resting against the seat, as mine was too. I mean we were inches from making some kind of contact. He looked so cute asking me stupid questions and whispering, and all I could think was "kiss me you fool" as we just stared each other in the face, I'm biting my lip to draw attention(very persistent), and knowing that fate was giving us a very good opportunity here to take what it was giving us. To grab it, and go with what was happening. It's one of those moments when you feel what is going to happen in the pit of your stomach,and you do everything to not screw it up.

BUT NOTHING.

The bus stopped at my neighborhood, and we were pulled out of the moment like that. I was so embarrassed that I said goodbye quickly and ran off the bus. And then sulked all day.

Well that's how it was today, as I pouted my mouth, and cursed the people who were holding hands, and snuggling on a cold day as today. I remember writing about how I was walking down the street and felt as if my hand was missing it's pair, well that is how I felt today. So I pouted, and then bought skittles.

I mean it would be easier if there was some reason why this moment hasn't happened. If I was the hunchback of Notre dame, had a third eye, or clearly if I had stitches on my mouth which left me horribly disfigured. Not the case.

So along with the sulking I have been listening to THE POLICE's "Every little thing she does is magic", and hope that my first kiss isn't when I'm like 22. But that it will magical and with someone that I like, and who likes me back, and preferably in the rain(I don't know, I think the rain is beautiful) or at least that "every little thing she does is magic" is playing in the background.

Don't think I won't stop, and play The Police's song beforehand. Cause I will. I don't care where we are, I will be like "can you hold that thought for one second I have to get a stereo, a police CD..."

I mean 19 years of no smooch, I expect a Police song playing in the background. I deserve a police song playing in the background.

Today was just one of those days when I needed to be reminded of how beautiful the world is.

Instead I was handed a pamphlet by some idiot running up and down the street( as I was pouting), that said "DON'T WATCH PORN".Some new college campaign.

I swear.