You Need A Rest

I've solved the problem.

Of course i had to go through exhaustion, bad eating habits, and a migraine or two (okay three).

It's only been two days into the semester and i already have had my first breakdown. Okay so it wasn't a cry fest or anything, but i nearly passed out (seriously) from the level of stress my mind has been running on. I mean stressed out.

I hadn't eaten in like three days. i had one waffle on the weekend and then half of a sandwich yesterday, which of course didn't help with my earache, migraine, and body ache. Yesterday i spent the whole day in bed. i had three classes, and by the time i came back to my room, i was dizzy, and ached like no one else's business. I fell asleep and yet still woke yup pretty groggy. Walking around today, i was two seconds from just passing out, and it took all of my strength to just make it back to my room.

I assumed my stress arose from the whole Bio/Spanish thing. The bio lab lady, who is so nice, said i could take the Tuesday lab in the afternoon because i had a valid reason. But i still wasn't happy. I still had that stressed feeling on my brain.

So today i went to Bio and saw all the faces of people who had passed along with me, and saw the teacher who had failed me last semester. The teacher who everyone knows is hard, who has been on academic probation for the number of students he has failed, and who grades like a nazi. Unless you know the material like the back of your hand, you won't pass. I tried so hard last year, and still didn't pass.

And then it came to me.

It isn't the finding another class to accommodate Bio that i should be focusing on .

It should be me dropping Bio 102, and taking another class.

Yes, i am way happy to have passed Bio 101. But after totally bombing it with "The Nazi" who is teaching it this semester, and then passing it this semester with a C, is not something i want to get myself caught up into.

I wish i was one of those people who is confidant with their ability at bio, who can face, and maybe defeat the Nazi, but it isn't me. I want to get a high GPA. I want scholarships, so my looming student loan bill doesn't look enormous by the time i graduate, i want to not be calculating how to bring up a very low F by the end of the semester. I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I can't risk failing another class, i can't risk hoping the professor(who is a jackass) will like me, and bump me if i am on the border line, but mainly i can't risk hoping that i will pull off a miracle and will magically pass and generally hard class.

I can't do it.

Won't do it

Ain't doing it.

So i dropped it. I had to close my eyes, click the button and see it's empty space when i open them. And now i feel much better. Dizziness is gone, i ate a huge burrito, i think i may even have smiled today. I just couldn't take that risk. That was a huge one. So i'm going to take it during the summer, at home. Class will be easier, smaller, and only for a month. Sweet.

I replaced that class with Genetics and Society? Don't ask me what it's about, couldn't tell you. But it seems easy, professor is a total hippie, and because i know most of the topics, should be easy. Plus there is no Final.

I have 15 credits, and maybe 18 if that Damn History of Modern Architecture would open. So even though my curriculum is not Science based, my migrane has lessened and i'm not stressing anymore. Which is priceless in my opinion.

Walking back from class, i notice how hard i am on myself. With the whole bio/chem situations i notice that i like being the smart girl. I like that feeling. I mean all my life, i have been the smart girl. I was the girl in Kindergarten who the teacher model the other kids after, Elementary, i won a shitload of awards at the 5th grade graduation even "Best Student Council" leader. In Middle school, i was the girl in a million clubs MS. Activity, and in High School i was the the smart quiet girl, who had people cheated off. And even though back in the day, i hated being that girl. I so associated with that Title. So i feel like i have to prove it to everyone, like thats all that i am, and all of a sudden i don't feel like that girl anymore. And i become extremely hard on myself, and put pressure on myself, which is really how failure arises because i'm not seeing that sometimes i need to wave that white flag, step back, re-evaluate, and begin anew.

Take a break.

Relax.

I just that i feel so behind already, with missing my first semester. And i have catching up to do, which i will this summer. But i have to worry about right now, about doing great now, and stop worrying about catching up, at least until the summer.

SO thats my decision, and i'm sticking to it.

I have to learn how to trust myself a little more, would probably solve a whole bunch of my problems.