Jesus Christ!
Some days i feel like i am one of those dating shows. Particularly when it comes to my major(sorry if you thought this was going to be a boy post).
I seem to be asking that question a lot these days. FOR LOVE OR MONEY?
Cause lets be honest, no matter how much i LOVE writing, it ain't really a money maker unless...well...i write a really hot profitable screenplay in the next couple of years.
Today i embarked on round 2 of changing my major. And unlike last year where i felt confidant that psychology was going to be the shit(oh how quickly that changed), there were no flashing lights as i walked in to change my major saying "RIGHT THIS WAY. YOUR PATH STARTS HERE." I was kind of hoping for that.
Instead i sat down for what was like 2 minutes, was handed a piece of paper, and then it was over. Just like that my major was changed. No long process, no "can you answer any of my concerns with changing my major", none of that. I was simply handed a paper and ushered out the door.
I then had to make my way over to the English department to give someone my folder. As soon as i hit the lobby i came face to face with my English teacher from last semester. The one who unknowingly made this decision a little easier for me. She liked my writing, she said i had a sensitivity, she liked me. So i was kind of happy to see her. As soon as i said hi, three other people crowded the small lobby and i had to do the whole "talking in between someones head" thing.
She asked me how i was doing and the first thing i said back to her was that i had decided to change my major to English.
Her reaction wasn't as i had imagined it. She kind of had this shocked look on her face, kind of like "WTF". After her initial shock she said "what happened to being the doctor who reads literary works to her patients."
Me: I'm still working on that, just keeping my options open.
Teacher: Yeah because there are big bucks rolling for a person with an English degree
?????
It's not that i hadn't heard that comment before, but i wasn't expecting such pessimism from her. Perhaps i wanted something. Perhaps i wanted to hear "You have the talent to be a really good writer Beckett, mention me in your first book" or some crap like that.
After that, the three people in the lobby went back and forth about how much a BIOLOGY major makes(note: this was also after my English professor went on for 20 minutes talking about how shitty English degrees are)
So after getting off the elevator, standing completely alone holding a now very limp transcript reflecting my very deflated mood, i handed some lady my transcript, ran out of the building so quickly right into the arms of the biology department for solace and comfort.
I have no idea what the hell i am doing. I mean NONE. And yes i am only 20 years old, and yes i am not suppose to have it all figured out at such a young age, but still...i am very torn.
Writing is something that i love doing. It is me. If someone said today "Beckett you are never allowed to write anything creative anymore" i wouldn't know what my life would stand for. It's like my sanity, it's like my LIFE.
But...I know the struggles of having to struggle. I've seen it my whole life. Perhaps saying that i would love spending my whole life creating things, creating stories and works that people can connect too...is childish. Because the reality is who knows if it will carry me far. Who knows if i am being too unrealistic in believing it will.
Perhaps biology creates more of a stable ground. Will it be fulfilling? I don't know. Is it my path? I'm pretty sure it's not. But it isn't founded on shaky ground, even if the person standing on it is pretty clumsy on her feet.
I don't know what i am going to do. I wish there was an easy button i could push, and it would give me some insight on who is it I AM. What is my path. Cause right now i am in a ditch struggling to climb my way out. I hope i don't stay down here for too long, i was just getting to use to strolling through the park.
Some days i feel like i am one of those dating shows. Particularly when it comes to my major(sorry if you thought this was going to be a boy post).
I seem to be asking that question a lot these days. FOR LOVE OR MONEY?
Cause lets be honest, no matter how much i LOVE writing, it ain't really a money maker unless...well...i write a really hot profitable screenplay in the next couple of years.
Today i embarked on round 2 of changing my major. And unlike last year where i felt confidant that psychology was going to be the shit(oh how quickly that changed), there were no flashing lights as i walked in to change my major saying "RIGHT THIS WAY. YOUR PATH STARTS HERE." I was kind of hoping for that.
Instead i sat down for what was like 2 minutes, was handed a piece of paper, and then it was over. Just like that my major was changed. No long process, no "can you answer any of my concerns with changing my major", none of that. I was simply handed a paper and ushered out the door.
I then had to make my way over to the English department to give someone my folder. As soon as i hit the lobby i came face to face with my English teacher from last semester. The one who unknowingly made this decision a little easier for me. She liked my writing, she said i had a sensitivity, she liked me. So i was kind of happy to see her. As soon as i said hi, three other people crowded the small lobby and i had to do the whole "talking in between someones head" thing.
She asked me how i was doing and the first thing i said back to her was that i had decided to change my major to English.
Her reaction wasn't as i had imagined it. She kind of had this shocked look on her face, kind of like "WTF". After her initial shock she said "what happened to being the doctor who reads literary works to her patients."
Me: I'm still working on that, just keeping my options open.
Teacher: Yeah because there are big bucks rolling for a person with an English degree
?????
It's not that i hadn't heard that comment before, but i wasn't expecting such pessimism from her. Perhaps i wanted something. Perhaps i wanted to hear "You have the talent to be a really good writer Beckett, mention me in your first book" or some crap like that.
After that, the three people in the lobby went back and forth about how much a BIOLOGY major makes(note: this was also after my English professor went on for 20 minutes talking about how shitty English degrees are)
So after getting off the elevator, standing completely alone holding a now very limp transcript reflecting my very deflated mood, i handed some lady my transcript, ran out of the building so quickly right into the arms of the biology department for solace and comfort.
I have no idea what the hell i am doing. I mean NONE. And yes i am only 20 years old, and yes i am not suppose to have it all figured out at such a young age, but still...i am very torn.
Writing is something that i love doing. It is me. If someone said today "Beckett you are never allowed to write anything creative anymore" i wouldn't know what my life would stand for. It's like my sanity, it's like my LIFE.
But...I know the struggles of having to struggle. I've seen it my whole life. Perhaps saying that i would love spending my whole life creating things, creating stories and works that people can connect too...is childish. Because the reality is who knows if it will carry me far. Who knows if i am being too unrealistic in believing it will.
Perhaps biology creates more of a stable ground. Will it be fulfilling? I don't know. Is it my path? I'm pretty sure it's not. But it isn't founded on shaky ground, even if the person standing on it is pretty clumsy on her feet.
I don't know what i am going to do. I wish there was an easy button i could push, and it would give me some insight on who is it I AM. What is my path. Cause right now i am in a ditch struggling to climb my way out. I hope i don't stay down here for too long, i was just getting to use to strolling through the park.
I think the real problem is i have always leaned to the Love part of the Love or Money dilemma. And that scares me because Love is hard and difficult and it hurts.
It's a John Mayer day. Surely that can't be good. I feel cocoa, stuffed animals, and comfort food in my near future to soothe my aching...mind/heart/being.
Trust me after a couple of days of this feeling it can get a little sickening. Crying into a pillow with John Mayer blasting from my computer reminds me too much of highschool.
Why can't i be 6 again?
3 comments:
seriously... WHERE do you go to school? I need to investigate your english department and figure out what the fuck is going on there.
english types kind of move in a different solar system than science types, so when there's a Crossover Hit, we're all a little shocked. and I for one am always a little jealous. Example: the Forbidden One, a bio major who happens to have a genius for the arts (film, music, literature).
i know i've said this before, but I mean it this time: if you want advice - I mean like advisor/advising - let me know. i think my screen name is on my blog if IMing makes sense. I'm nearing the end of the my NINTH YEAR of being an english person, so i have some experience. I also know a million awesome english professors if you have a question i can't answer.
i CAN tell you that having a degree in english doesn't really open many doors - it's a kind of all-purpose degree. BUT the skills you develop as a reader and writer will get you far. English isn't an obvious job-getting degree (unlike maybe marketing or something heinous like that). If you plan on going to med school, I suspect English will help make you look well-rounded and interested.
I could poke your professor's eyes out for bitching about the lack of money. I joke about that all the time, but not to people who are trying to change their majors. jesus.
oh, and i chose LOVE over MONEY years ago. can't say i'm unhappy with the decision, either.
Wow, you sound exactly like me when I was your age (ok, how trite was that). But seriously, I feel like I've been down that exact road, stood at the fork and wondered: which way next?
After college I tried to follow my "heart," which was theology and music, but after years of shitty day jobs and no medical or car insurance, I thought, "This isn't working." I realized that doing what I really loved doesn't pay the bills. Plain and simple.
But it might be different for you. And then again it might not. But there's no harm in trying! You can always go back on the med school track, or even easier, you could go to law school. Time is on your side young Beckett.
Keep in mind that you, yourself, said you weren't good in the sciences. That it was very hard for you. If you have to struggle day in and day out, is it really going to make you happy?
Do what makes you happy. Follow the love... the money will follow. I say this as someone who is doing something completely different than anything I even dreamed of when I was your age, and I'm very happy doing it. The money? It has it's ups and downs... but, you'll find even those "doctors" are finding themselves more in financial troubles. It seems the more we have, we humans really DO spend more. Plus, more schooling = more student loans = more debt to pay back. It just goes on and on.
Don't let other people decide what is right for YOU. As confused as you may feel, only YOU can make that choice. Sorry, hun... the truth hurts.
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