Oh what a day.
Surprisingly on Wednesday i attempted to socialize. I headed into work feeling a little worn out, when someone i worked with approached me as i was signing in. He asked me why i didn't hang out with them when they sat in the office sometimes.
As i has mentioned earlier, I've been a little quiet at work lately. I've just been a little more interested in going and leaving as quickly as i can. I kind of felt like they were talking about me, but i assumed they were just calling me snotty or something along those lines.
So i was a little taken aback when what i heard was that they actually wanted me to talk to them. And he sounded so sincere when he asked me that question that i couldn't even come up with some cool answer as to why i have been quiet lately. I simply said "I'm sorry, sometimes i am just so inside my head sometimes i forget to come out and say hey to the people every once in a while."
So i made an attempt. I actually sat in there for 30 minutes talking to about 4 of the people i work with; including short dude. It wasn't as awkward as i thought it would be, we mainly talked about music, listening to songs and critiquing the artist. It wasn't bad, as soon as i knew they wanted to talk to me, i made an effort to talk with them. And of course i was still a little silent wanting to take it all in, instead of saying much, it was kind of fun.
My emotions have been like a wave lately. Carrying me wherever it wishes to take me. Some moments i am completely optimistic, a little happy, I'm dancing around in my room to JT. But then there have been moments of tears, of feeling completely torn with myself. Frustrated, angry, scared.
I don't know how to explain it. It's just been complete moments of clarity suddenly replaced by increasing doubt, and Mike hasn't been any help in the comforting friend department.
Of course we are like on round 15 of "MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN YOURS". It's a little frustrating because he is always downgrading my life. Like because i don't rock climb, play Magic(yeah you heard me), or take Karate...my life has no meaning. He is constantly telling me how much more important he is. I told him about the whole email thing with my professor, and after saying "the professor doesn't think you are as smart as you probably believed" he came into Math today saying
MIKE:"i want the professor to think i am a genius"
Me: How are you going to get him to see that i mean it's just numbers and stuff
MIKE: You're just mad because you are not a genius, and never will be
I mean it's repetitive stupid shit like this that makes me want to club him. I'm getting so sick of having my life and experiences degraded by him (and everyone else in my life) who in the past has tried to tell me who i am.
It's grating because i don't even know who i am. I don't feel like i know enough to yell at the top of my lungs.
Some days i don't know what i want to do with my life. OK...that's a lie... most days i don't. But I think about a couple years ago, after the Philadelphia thing, and how low i thought life could be. It was horrible. I didn't care about life either way the coin flipped.
So when I'm faced with someone who even in a joking manner makes fun of my life, i want to yell "but you have no idea how far I've come... You have no idea how far I've climbed."
And yes, i know he's an idiot. And yes i don't know why i put up with him, but it still hurts a little because i think my life is important. I mean i know it is. I realized yesterday that in a month i will be 21. THE BIG 2-1, and I'm a little freaked out.
Is 21 like an adult? I feel my experiences have been few and none for me to be turning 21. And today i was inspired, by many things, but mainly this man, who had extraordinary yet brief life. And i don't know if can look back on my 20(soon to be 21) years and say i had lived to the fullest.
But i do know that MY life is important. My experiences and hopefully what is yet to come are important to me.
I am on a journey, or at least at the beginning stages of it. I feel like i am sorting through all the things i wish to carry with me before i begin, and of course leaving the things that my weigh me down behind me.
I don't wish to bring Anxiety or Fear.
I do wish to bring my humor, my sincerity, and sensibility (according to my English teacher). I wish to bring an open mind, and honest heart.
Because no matter what anyone says about my chosen path, my inexperience's, my life...it still is MINE. And that's important. That means something.
God why am i surrounded by assholes.
Time to play the Sims and more on sensibility tomorrow, my professor gets brownie points for today's lecture =).
Surprisingly on Wednesday i attempted to socialize. I headed into work feeling a little worn out, when someone i worked with approached me as i was signing in. He asked me why i didn't hang out with them when they sat in the office sometimes.
As i has mentioned earlier, I've been a little quiet at work lately. I've just been a little more interested in going and leaving as quickly as i can. I kind of felt like they were talking about me, but i assumed they were just calling me snotty or something along those lines.
So i was a little taken aback when what i heard was that they actually wanted me to talk to them. And he sounded so sincere when he asked me that question that i couldn't even come up with some cool answer as to why i have been quiet lately. I simply said "I'm sorry, sometimes i am just so inside my head sometimes i forget to come out and say hey to the people every once in a while."
So i made an attempt. I actually sat in there for 30 minutes talking to about 4 of the people i work with; including short dude. It wasn't as awkward as i thought it would be, we mainly talked about music, listening to songs and critiquing the artist. It wasn't bad, as soon as i knew they wanted to talk to me, i made an effort to talk with them. And of course i was still a little silent wanting to take it all in, instead of saying much, it was kind of fun.
Short boy, who is engaged to short girl i suppose, was staring pretty hard my way though.It was kind of creepy. I just smiled and then turned back to talking to someone else.
And hearing that one of my co-workers has the R.Kelly sex tape was a little disturbing also. I don't know if i can forgive him yet for the "yeah she didn't look over 18, but he was totally peeing on her"... EWWWWMy emotions have been like a wave lately. Carrying me wherever it wishes to take me. Some moments i am completely optimistic, a little happy, I'm dancing around in my room to JT. But then there have been moments of tears, of feeling completely torn with myself. Frustrated, angry, scared.
I don't know how to explain it. It's just been complete moments of clarity suddenly replaced by increasing doubt, and Mike hasn't been any help in the comforting friend department.
Of course we are like on round 15 of "MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN YOURS". It's a little frustrating because he is always downgrading my life. Like because i don't rock climb, play Magic(yeah you heard me), or take Karate...my life has no meaning. He is constantly telling me how much more important he is. I told him about the whole email thing with my professor, and after saying "the professor doesn't think you are as smart as you probably believed" he came into Math today saying
MIKE:"i want the professor to think i am a genius"
Me: How are you going to get him to see that i mean it's just numbers and stuff
MIKE: You're just mad because you are not a genius, and never will be
I mean it's repetitive stupid shit like this that makes me want to club him. I'm getting so sick of having my life and experiences degraded by him (and everyone else in my life) who in the past has tried to tell me who i am.
It's grating because i don't even know who i am. I don't feel like i know enough to yell at the top of my lungs.
Some days i don't know what i want to do with my life. OK...that's a lie... most days i don't. But I think about a couple years ago, after the Philadelphia thing, and how low i thought life could be. It was horrible. I didn't care about life either way the coin flipped.
So when I'm faced with someone who even in a joking manner makes fun of my life, i want to yell "but you have no idea how far I've come... You have no idea how far I've climbed."
And yes, i know he's an idiot. And yes i don't know why i put up with him, but it still hurts a little because i think my life is important. I mean i know it is. I realized yesterday that in a month i will be 21. THE BIG 2-1, and I'm a little freaked out.
Is 21 like an adult? I feel my experiences have been few and none for me to be turning 21. And today i was inspired, by many things, but mainly this man, who had extraordinary yet brief life. And i don't know if can look back on my 20(soon to be 21) years and say i had lived to the fullest.
But i do know that MY life is important. My experiences and hopefully what is yet to come are important to me.
I am on a journey, or at least at the beginning stages of it. I feel like i am sorting through all the things i wish to carry with me before i begin, and of course leaving the things that my weigh me down behind me.
I don't wish to bring Anxiety or Fear.
I do wish to bring my humor, my sincerity, and sensibility (according to my English teacher). I wish to bring an open mind, and honest heart.
Because no matter what anyone says about my chosen path, my inexperience's, my life...it still is MINE. And that's important. That means something.
God why am i surrounded by assholes.
Time to play the Sims and more on sensibility tomorrow, my professor gets brownie points for today's lecture =).
1 comment:
i don't think 21 is adult....i'll be 28 (gulp) in june and i'm STILL waiting to feel like a real grownup.
i am so happy you hung out with your library workers! mainly because they wanted you - how awesome is that? and i actually think the answer you gave - that you're so inside your head - is a pretty cool one.
sometimes it is very funny to learn that people want to be friends with you; all you have to do is let them try.
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