One Month

One month from today (give or take a few days) i'll be 22!!! I don't know if I should put exclamation points behind the number but i am looking forward to the new age anyway.



In therapy we don't really talk about my social anxiety anymore. It's not that it isn't this huge factor in my life, because it is, but i guess i am learning to deal with it a lot better than i have in the past. I'm seeing huge changes from being 20 year old me to almost 22 year old me especially in the whole social aspect of my life.



I've slowly started talking to people, and in anxiety land this is a huge leap. I'm not saying anything particulary profound but i'm saying something that has for the most part worked in my favor. I'm kind of shocked how people respond to me. Anxiety tells me that people will think i am weird, awkward, and self conscious. What i've learned is that people do think i'm weird, awkward and self conscious but for some reason find it endearing.



????



I never really knew how exhausting it was talking to people, until i started doing it. The atmosphere at work has changed dramatically since i've started saying more then "hi and bye" to my co-workers. People now are starting to linger near me when i work, and i have no other choice except to talk and make up something to say.



Short boy's ex-girlfriend is one such case. We have been hanging out more and more at work, that i feel like i rarely get anything done. Yesterday we spent all of my two hours before class, reading magazines and checking out the Guniess book of world records. She is much nicer than i assumed when short boy introduced me to her, and we seem to bond over our dislike for him.



I feel like a friendship is potentially forming, but after my experience with Katherine i'm not getting my hopes up, only to find out she's a crazy loon. I haven't had a friendship in so long, i don't even know what i want from one.



I haven't had a lot of things in my almost 22 years, and stepping into any sort of friendship or relationship is really freaking me out a little...especially now since people are taking an interest in what i have to say.



I desperately want a friend. Someone to talk to and reveal crushes too rather than admitting everything on my blog. I mean it's fun and all but sometimes you need interactions with people, just so you feel...alive. It would be fun to have someone who kind of understands what I am going through or at least someone who will listen to what i have to say and give encouraging advice with a few nods here and then.



I'd like to have someone to be impulsive with. And brave with .Silly and contemplative with. And so far though i am proving to be a rather to be interesting to people...I just haven't met that person yet. Or i have met them but have no idea what i want from the relationship so i don't try to make anything of them.

Because i'm idealist person i hold on to these all to unrealistic ideas about relationshisp. In my mind the ideal friendship would be a"Babysitters Club" scenerio (my favorite book series when i was younger). Mallory, Dawn, Kristy, Mary Anne, Stacy, and Claudia (don't worry i don't know there names by heart, i had to wikipedia it). A small group of real close friends who i spend the majority of my time with listening to music, watching movies and discussing boys (minus the whole babysitting thing). Our only arguments would arise from conversation on who loves Justin Timberlake more.

But since i am no longer a 8 year old girl reading the Babysitters club i have learned that friendships don't function like that. Mallory could be a bitch, Dawn can be totally flaky, lets be honest Kristy has no interest in "Justin Tiimberlake", Stacy has boyfriend issues that she talks about all the time, and no one really likes Claudia who will probably drift off and get new friends anyway.


Friendship is complex because people are complicated. And in people's complication and my need for connection i see how vunerable it is getting to know people and their complexity. And though i desperately seek relationships, i still am hesistant in fully putting myself out there, and watching my idea of ideal relationships give way a little, so i make some real friendships along the way.

Sometimes i give myself a headache.