Today Michelle and I woke up pretty early to get ready for Dance Class. For a 3 year old she is already showing the signs of being against the morning. Her sweet face is replaced with a scowl and her voice is husky. When she came into my room, her shirt was pulled down across her shoulder and for a moment I thought she was impersonating Marlon Brando from A Streetcar Named Desired.
She began her list of demands on what she wanted to do and what she didn't want to do. She wanted Mermaid fruit snacks, she did not want to go to dance class. I showed her the pictures I had taken at dance class which reminded her of how much fun she had. I squeezed her (incorrectly) into her dance outfit, agreed that she could take her Arthur inspired party plates to class, and reminded her about the importance of being on time.
We left pretty early because she wanted to see some of the houses in the neighborhood which have decorated their houses for Halloween. She is not a girl who likes scary things and she tentatively walked past the house that had a Halloween display. On the way we picked up leaves and blew them into the air. She struggled with the blowing part so instead we threw them and watched them glide back to the ground.
When we got to the church (where the dance class was being held) but we were 40 minutes early. In order to amuse her and pass the time. We played Red Light-Green light on the grass. This was soon followed by Simon Says, more leaf throwing, and an Arthur game. It got closer to 10 o'clock and I say no other kids with adult in tow heading into the building. After a long wait, I decided it was best that we head back home before we did anymore destruction to the grass.
When we got back, I made Apple Waffles and put in a dvd. She seems to like both equally and is in her room clutching her favorite blanket and talking to the screen.
I manage to do all of this even though I woke up early this morning and read the email from the Editor on the status of the internship. After two months, the position has been filled by someone other than me. I can't say that it was much of a shock but there was still a tinge of "why wasn't it me". I just hate that it took three weeks for me to even know the status, though a decision was probably made a long time ago.
I am quickly learning that i cannot measure my self worth by my set-backs or need I even call them failures. I am a good writer, and when I do manage to break into publishing my strengths will be made apparent there. I wish everyone else could see my potential or at least would give me the chance to prove myself. I am not particularly sad but am rather more determined to see something come out of this nothingness.
I keep repeating to myself that I am young, and that I am lucky enough to have no responsibilities keeping me in one place. I am committed to a great change, but i have no idea what i want that change to be. My mom has offered several times for me to move back home with her. She is eager for my return, though I question what i would do at home in Small Town USA. Even Marie is tempting me, she asked why I didn't just come stay with her. There is a school near buy that happens to be good, and we could be roomies. I think she is forgetting that we would annoy each other to no end, and some friends are better off not living together.
Whatever decision I make has to be my own. I have already decided that if things don't particularly look up (finding another internship or a better job) then I'll pack it up for a while and take a month to myself (no job, no worries, and just writing). I can feel like a writer again, which could do wonders for the psyche.
The real world seems to be smacking me in the face and i wouldn't mind taking a break from it for a while. A writer's retreat sounds nice but I question how much writing I would do and how much money I would have to spend to rent a cabin or something. I have to finish this story, and start applying to schools. Along with that I now have to see if any internship is available, but because it's October nothing may be available.
I know things will get better. It's suppose to be incredibly difficult first right?
4 comments:
first: I'm REALLY sorry about the internship thing. But I'm proud that you went for it at all.
second, and most importantly: Yep, it's supposed to be hard and sucky as hell at first. be glad you aren't saddled with a narcissistic asshole of a boyfriend, and NO means of financial self-sufficiency except your credit card. (it's always all about me, you ever notice that?)
you're only two months out. not even two full months, i think. it took me i think eight months before i landed my crummy admin. assistant job.
you sound like you're really great with your small cousin, by the way. you ever think about working with kids, even in a small, temporary fashion? you seem to have a very well developed sense of play, which i totally admire.
you working on grad school stuff?
what's your plan, stan?
personally, i always thought that - if i was any kind of writer at all, of anything besides academic papers - i'd take my writer's retreat in Venice. rent some little flat someplace where i could see water (not too hard, i shouldn't think). wake up in the late morning or early afternoon in the sunlight. write, wander, daydream. write some more.
of course, the starving artist could never afford such a thing without a patron. i think even shabby garrets in Paris are out of reach nowadays....
but listen, old sock: things WILL improve. you may not get exactly what you want, but you'll get something more tolerable than what you have now, and THAT will lead to you getting what you want.
promise.
Yes; it's difficult starting out. You need to balance earning enough money to live on, with having enough time to write. Don't overthink things; just work any job that allows you time to write. Don't worry about what co-workers think about you. It's of no concern to you. What is important is the writing. And to be honest with you ; you are just starting your education as a writer. It will take time for your experience to catch up with your enthusiasm. You'll do fine. Don't listen to your fears, and, write!
Best, Robert
listen to robert!
also: yikes! our darling gale harold was in a motorcycle accident! he's expected to be okay but it guess it was semi-serious (and wtf? he's on desperate housewives now, as TERI f-ing-HATCHER'S boyfriend).
the world is not fair when Teri Hatcher gets to fake-kiss gale harold.
When i heard that Gale Harold was in an accident I almost had a heart attack. I hope his pretty face isn't damaged. Though I did think it was totally hot that he rides a motorcycle. A MOTORCYCLE!!! And I am totally not in the loop? He is on Desperate Housewives dating Teri 'f-cking' Hatcher's character? This is what happens when you work sunday's, you miss out on all the good stuff.
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