I was a person once. Right?

What a way to end 2008. I am literally sitting in my bed, wearing my work clothes (because I just got home at 11:18) after my disastrous date with 'Porter". If you can even call it that.

So today was the day i was dreading. I haven't seen Porter in a couple of days but I knew he still wanted to go to the movies. Movies are fine. I like films. I like seeing films with friends. But I know that he likes me more than a friend and I know that I don't like him more than mere work buddies.

We closed at 6pm and luckily Angie was there to close with me. I concocted an idea last night to invite her to the movies so I would have a buffer if things got weird. I do not call this using a friend but simply exercising friend rights. The right to protect me from getting groped in the back of a movie theater. The right to make up some excuse as to why she needs to hang out with me after the movie. The right to create a diversion as I flee for safety. When i approached Angie with the idea she replied with a "hell yeah I'm in".

She will be my friend for life.

I didn't tell "Porter" about this right away. The adult thing to do would have been to text him and say "hey my friend is coming along too". Instead I was too excited that part of my plan worked to even make the phone call to him. Around 4pm, I saw him in the aisle and my heart lurched in a way that was not of longing and love. It was of fear and anxiety, something that i have not felt in a very long time. He smiled down at me, and told me he made reservations for a restaurant for the two of us.

WHAT THE FUCK.

At this moment platonic friendship was thrown out the window. What platonic friend makes reservations at a restaurant, what platonic friend wants to spend all night hanging out on a day known for making out when midnight comes. What kind of platonic friend is that.

I still did not tell him that I had invited Angie. I told him i didn't eat seafood (b/c he made a reservation at a seafood place) and that he sure had a lot planned. He smiled and then quickly made his way to all of the restaurants around town to book reservations. One of my other co-workers heard him talking about the plans he had made for us and made a face. When he left she grabbed me by the hand, dragged me into the kids section and asked me to spill the beans. About everything. Did I like 'Porter'? Why was he making plans? Are you out of your mind, he cleans the bathroom. That sort of thing.

I confessed to her that i didn't know it was a date. I thought it was a casual get together. She is only 17 but she made another face like "come on, we aren't in the 2nd grade anymore he totally has the hots for you". At this point my stomach was cramping up, it happens when I get nervous. She made me (because she is a forceful 17 year old) text him and let him know that Angie was coming with us because that would "give him the impression that this is is not a date and that you have no interest in him in that way". She's pretty smart for a 17 year old.

So i text message him quickly and tell him that Angie wanted to come along. He said it was okay but I knew that after the movie was over I would be left alone with him.

I will skip the middle of the date. In all honesty the three of us went to the movies. I sat in the middle he wanted to share a soda but I declined. He whispered in my ear from time to time. I talked to Angie and then the movie ended.

During the movie however my mom called and I had to take it. If i didn't pick up the phone she would have gone crazy. I was on the phone for less than 5 minutes but it went something like this "MOMTHISISAMOTHERFUCKINGDATEWHATDOIDO?" "Lie tell him you have to babysit last minute." "what?" "you can not leave the scene with him. Do you understand. Do not leave the SCENE! Make up an excuse and do it now! I love you"

Click.

So i run back into the theater, an hour or two later the movie is over and Angie has to go to the bathroom. I forgot to tell my aunt that I was going out after work so she called a lot during the movie. Turns out she was just concerned because i hadn't called and wanted to make sure I was okay. I told 'Porter' I had to make a call, I went in the corner and had what would be the strangest conversation with my aunt because i had to make an excuse and I knew he was listening.

Me: hey what's up
Aunt: Nothing I just wanted to make sure you were okay
Me: I'm at the movies
Aunt: I know your mom told me. Date huh
Me: Real Funny
Aunt: We'll Chris left so it'll just be you, me and the baby tonight.
Me: You need me to come home.
Aunt: What? No I said-
Me: No I understand, what time are you leaving.
Aunt: I don't know what you are talking about
Me: Fine, I'll be home in 15 minutes.

Click.

So after that worked out I put on my sad face and told him that I had to leave. He looked upset. Again. But I could not go to the second location with him. There was no way. I want to have a casual dating life but what guys that i want to casually date. I don't want to pull someone along who likes me and yet I have no interest. In the end I would feel worse hanging around with him until Midnight knowing that he expected some kiss when he's not the guy I want to spend time with.

I don't know if the excuse worked. But me and Angie left one way while he went the other. When we rounded the corner she (who must win an award for being the best 3rd wheel this side of the hudson) said

"I'm hungry, you up for Chinese". To which I answered. "yes. yes I am".

We had a pretty good time too. The food was alright but we talked for an hour. I like the talking part. I have a lot to say when I'm not listening of course. I have a lot to say.

I feel like a turd. I mean I wasn't groped which is a good thing but I may have burned another bridge. I am not this person. Or I do not like my direction. I feel like me, I look like me, but sometimes I am not sure. Sometimes I am teetering between being something new and exciting or retreating to being the same and introverted. I like both of them, I don't want to sacrifice one for the other but I have to create a fine balance. I have to find my way and establish my relationship and create this life for myself that i am proud of living. And I want to invite people in that life that I am proud of having.

And sometimes I know exactly what i want to do and exactly how I want to get there and other times I am just floating aimlessly without direction trying to grab on to anything that offers stability.

I don't know. This event capped a nice end to 2008. I can only hope that 2009 brings change. A change that i can find myself in. A change that gives me a sense of purpose. Change.