I'm feeling a little lost, confused, overwhelmed, sad and anxious. I can't even begin to explain how horrible post grad life is. I know that I had high expectations going into this move to NYC but as the four month mark stamps it's marker on my life, I can't help but feel like a failure. I can't even get a damn internship...with anyone.
I contemplate going home all the time, until I realize that there is nothing there except a potential job at Walgreens or Kmart. It's not that I am even stressed out, i am just depleted of energy. I am tired of trying to be 'someone', I'm tired of trying to convince people that I am right for the position especially when I am not 100% convinced of it either. I'm lucky enough to even snag an interview which says that something in my resume is catchy. But I can't 'seal the deal' in a sense. And it is beginning to take it's toll.
Yesterday, I started crying for no reason at all. I was watching the last ten minutes of Atonement where the adult Briony is talking about her new book. This is of course the scene where she confesses that she created a life for her sister and her sisters lover in her book that they were unable to have in their real life, due to events from their past. Naturally this scene is pretty sad, she is atoning for her mistakes and does so through creating a happy ending for two people who never got that chance to experience it. I have seen this movie a dozen times, I knew the ending even before I watched it and yet there I was crying for no reason at all. It had nothing to do with the movie, I emotionally was just using it as an excuse to vent my own frustrations. At the end of my weird crying spell I yelled "Fuck you Briony" before turning the channel. My anger at her made me laugh some time later.
I am running out of plans. I intended to land an editorial assistant job. That did not work so I intended to get an internship. That is not working, so what else I am suppose to do? I contacted some lady about volunteering abroad but apparently there is a fee of $3000. Who would have thought that volunteering would cost so much. Once again, because I am not in school (and because of the recession) I can't even get a loan to go. I have to start repaying my current loans in February so there is no way that i can just give $3000 of my own money for two weeks in Chile. It's impossible.
The only other plan that has run through my head is trying to get some newspaper experience. I have no formal training in journalism, but for years I've said I wanted to be Lisa Ling because of her wicked awesome job with National Geographic (even an internship at National Geographic requires you to be in college). Unlike publishing, i may actually get the chance to write something rather than reading someones crappy novel. I would have to work on my grammar and syntax, but there are a lot of small newspaper places in my town that i may have to look into.
Who knows. I can't give up now, right? But even my ability to come up with plans from A to Z are waning. I am tired of thinking about the future. I am tired of working at the bookstore. I am tired of weird guys who touch napes inappropriately. I am tired of stagnation and complacency because i am guilty of both.
1 comment:
you may have to take a job that is outside your range of interests. i was an administrative assistant for almost a year, at a children's literacy nonprofit. it paid pretty well with nice benefits, but as a job or career move, it was crapola. however, it beat the hell out of barely scraping by with my temp job.
cast a broader net. think of anything connected with your interests. library. teacher aide. nonprofits. movie or tv related stuff. technical or web writing. local weird magazines or newspapers (and by weird i mean things like car trader papers and such). look at online places like idealist. also check colleges and universities - admin assistant jobs, or - for larger universities - working at an academic journal.
second, advice from someone who knows: NEVER wear jeans to an interview of any sort. even if you feel weirdly overdressed in a skirt or professional trousers, wear them. i watched with my own eyes as the freaking cafe manager automatically disqualified anyone who came in for their interviews wearing jeans. treat EVERY interview, even for crummy internships, like you are interviewing at - oh, i dunno, HarperCollins or This American Life or Someplace Big and Important.
sad to say, that sort of thing matters. i went out and bought like a suit-thing, jacket and everything, to wear when i interviewed for my shitty jobs out of college. it really does matter more than you think, how you look, how you present yourself. get good dress shoes and a decent handbag or briefcase-kind of bag. you want to look blandly professional, boring, competent. even in more flamboyant professions like the arts, you want to show up looking like a buttoned-down businesswoman.
also, be wary of ye olde Big D. it sounds like you're walking the thin line between depression and not-depression, and i want you to stay on the chipper-cheerful side of that line! and if not, get thee to a counselor, asap. lots of universities have psych training centers where you can get cheaper rates by seeing a psych PhD student.
and of course: i'm rooting from you over here in the bleacher seats. shaking pom-poms and everything. you'll get there. it will take time and some misery (my secret word verification is, in fact, misre), but you'll get where you want to be.
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