Blue Boy

Thank god for days off.


The New Year was ushered in on rocky terms to say the least. The last few days have been a blur of bookselling, applying to jobs and sleeping. A lot of sleeping combined with general angst towards the Boy formerly known as Blue.





I want to reiterate how lame it was of him to un-invite me to his party. When I woke up on New Years Eve I had my plans set. Work, Blue's party and then off to my aunts for some family time. I was actually looking forward to Blue's party. I am not the easiest person to know. I am secretive and withdrawn. I am elusive and flighty. But once I am yours, dammit I am yours. It just takes a little time. And in some weird way I thought inviting me to his 'friends only' party was a way of him saying he was letting me in to his life in a weird way.

I'm such a girl.



Ever since he said those really nice words to me, I've gone back and forth between whether I like him or like him. I put myself out there by sharing my story ideas with him, going to see movies and such, playing dumb ass Dungeons and Dragons to pass time with him. But to be honest, outside of that really weird day where he said I had sparkly eyes, he has never hinted at anything romantic. He has in some ways treated me like the boyish girl friend from all those 80/90's teen flick. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve while her wayward and distant friend pines for another chick.





Sure we've made a connection of sorts. But he's Blue. Kat likes him, Jenn nearly molested him once or twice, and he and a new girl at work who has a name that sounds like a musical instrument are uber friendly these days. Often times, I felt...utterly average around him. As if he is use to this sort of attention from girls.





The debate on whether boys and girls, men and women, can ever truly be friends is very interesting now that I am in my 20's. I do believe it is possible (though very tricky) but only after weeding out if you are attracted to them on a romantic level. I don't think there has ever been a guy friend that I didn't at least once wonder about dating. Sometimes seriously and sometimes nonchalantly. It just depends I guess.





And I'm still not sure of my level of interest in Blue. I liked him. Yes. I enjoyed hanging out with him. Yes. I would have given it a shot if he pursued. But he never did. And I was simply in that time honored position of 'interest'. In wondering half heartily what dating him would feel like.





I thought often of how we would get along without his friends and people from work around. The texts, phone calls and IM messages we would engage in. The places I would drag him too and the long never ending conversations I would have with him about history. He's a huge history nerd. I imagined the car rides and the music we'd listen to, the dumb dates we'd go on and the several potential first for me. It was all terribly normal stuff, but the idea of it being new was the most exciting thing of all. The idea of having someone interested in me was...nice.





So this whole New Years Eve thing is more perplexing than sad. I am more mad than anything else. For wanting Blue to want me, I guess. For wanting him to invite me into his life outside of the bookstore and random hang outs. And it didn't help that it was no big deal to him. At all. He spent the rest of the evening suggesting other plans for me AND he called me consistent. He was sooo ready to leave that night that he got on my case because i wasn't cleaning the store fast enough.





'some people have things to do after work Beckett. You guys can't clean the store a little faster"



So i replied: "Chill out. Even if we don't have plans after work some of us would like to get out of here too"



"That's why I like you Beckett. You're so consistent" he smiled, and then walked away.



I'm consistent! Because I never have any plans after work. Consistent. Because I never have anyone waiting on me. Consistent.



Blue can kiss my ass.



I ignored him on Saturday. He came and asked me what I did that night. I told him I babysat and made snowflakes then walked away with a huge visible chip on my shoulder. I was even more distant on Sunday,to the point where he realized I was angry with him.



But I don't do angry well. I am hurt by Blue but I don't want to be a bitch towards him. Being a bitch just makes me feel guilty for caring. But things will be different. He does not take me as seriously as I thought. After this whole thing I feel like a big joke to Blue. Like a sweet young kid whose hair he can ruffle but whose interest are very platonic or worse.



So yeah. I'll have to figure something out. I don't know how to deal with this situation. But my anger towards him means something. It means that somewhere I cared or still care. Oh, Blue.



In order unrelated news MixCd Extravaganza is in full force. Apparently it's just me, Frogboots and Mary Poppins participating this year (come on people, free music!!!). But that's cool. I'm hard at work on some very good cd's, accompanied by some art related material to go with it.



Packages should be sent out the 17th ladies, I do hope you enjoy the mixes I make for you this year, as I will no doubt enjoy the songs you have compiled for me.


I'm really excited about this exchange. It's a great way to kick off this year.