One Day At A Time.

To me, this whole New Years thing will alway feel like the first day of school.

I remember when I was a kid the new year meant that I could reinvent myself. That with a request for new clothes, school accessories and hairdo, I could walk into my same Middle/ High School a change girl.

Up until the 11th grade, every new school year started with a list of things I would do differently. I would dress better in order to fit in more, *I* would buy, use and keep a planner to be more organized, I would write my a's differently, just like Elizabeth Leslie the pretty popular girl in my English class, who topped her a's with a fancy curve.

I would drop out of the Media Club (formerly known as the AV club) for a more dignified extracurricular activity...volleyball or journalism club.

I enacted plans to in order to make sure that I would be a new me for the new school year. I'd spend hours in my room perfecting my penmanship (which is why i have pretty writing today). I exercised during summer breaks to slim down, bought teen vogue and seventeen magazine for clothing and makeup tips. I listened to the radio because girls my age weren't into Sarah Mclachlan and Talk Talk (and those who were worse off in school, socially, than I was). Fuck I even bought a Britney Spears album. I listened to it once.

All of these things would not make me popular, I knew this even then. Trust me I didn't even want to be popular. I just didn't want to be me. I didn't want to be the shy, socially awkward, Media Club Beckett. I didn't want to be the nerd girl with nerd friends who spent the weekends at home watching Lifetime movies. To be honest, I wanted to be a better version of me. I wanted to be one of those girls who has her shit together, with a few good friends and a life I didn't hate.

Postscript memory: I remember I had to do a school project once with a girl name Alana. She was a popular cheerleader who drove a Black Honda and wore really nice clothes.It was a group project that required us to drive across town to meet with a principal from our rival high school in order to talk about the differences in our school (i ended up pissing him off because during the meeting he got a call from a parent whose kid was getting bullied. I asked him politely what steps they were taking to deal with school bullying. He went ashen, started to stutter and then requested that I put my pen and paper down and not quote him on anything. Ass).

She offered to drive me and another person from our group to the school and we listened to Pop music with the windows down the whole way. I wanted to be her then. A girl with a driver's license and cool makeup and friends calling her pre-paid cell phone. Being me seemed lame in comparison. I will struggle with this for some time I assume.


So every time the new school year rolled around I'd think that maybe having a prettier notebook or better handwriting would make me...better. Maybe that new sweater would convince the Elizabeth Leslie's and Ethan Farmer's (and Alana's with Hondas) that I was OK after all and I wouldn't feel so inadequate at the end of the school year because I wasn't.

Of course, once school started having those things didn't make a difference. I never used any of the planners I asked for. I went back to wearing raggedy Batman t-shirts from thrift stores and started buying records instead of Cd's. I wrote my a's sans a fancy curve and I was never cut out for volleyball. Too much jumping and argh-ing (the only way i can describe the sound of your team when you miss a hit).

I continued to be awkward and weird. I continued to excel in areas that I didn't want to and subsequently 'fail' in the ones I wanted so badly to be apart of. It wasn't until the 11th grade that I started not to give a shit with reinventing myself, something my mother was grateful for because she could stop buying me new things every year. But as we welcome in another new year I can't help but feel that this is the adult equivalent.

That every year we convince ourselves that by setting goals to alter ourselves the new year will be better. That in an instant we will be ushered into a new life because we changed one or two things about ourselves. Hell I do it every December 31st too, I can't even pretend that I don't. But sometimes I just don't get the point. Sometimes I wonder if the grass on the other side is as green as I think it is. Sometimes I wonder if spending all this time wanting to be a better version of 'me' is really suppressing the only version that matters.

I do have very high hopes for the new year, but this time around it'll be enacted by the same old me. In therapy (something I miss more than I would like to admit) we pinpointed that I have congruency issues. It was the first thing she said during my very first session. That I do not see myself as everyone else does. I walked in her office telling her of my inability to express myself, that I was shy and awkward and weird. That I had issues connecting. At the end of my my 'tirade' she said: It's interesting to hear you say all of these things, because the person you just described is not the person sitting before me.

I was articulate, smart, funny and well rounded. Sure I was showing signs of an anxiety disorder but I was bubbly and a joy to be around. She promised that we would work on congruency. That the two me's would realize they inhabit the same skin and I would stop disassociating the two (this is not to be confused with any form of a dissociative disorder).

And I still am working on this. There are days when I have proclaimed that I am not artistic, smart or even funny. That I am a boring peculiar girl. I have this idea of what being artistic, well rounded, witty and awesome look like and they bear little or no resemblance to me. But I am all of those things when I'm not being hard on myself. I am the person I have always wanted to be, just with some things to work on. Sure I have a bunch of work ahead of me but fuck it if I spend another year trying to be something or one that I'm not.

Everything I have ever wanted I am capable of achieving. I don't have to be someone else (or worse want to be someone else) in order to do so. I just have to come to terms with my skin. I have to allow myself to be me. I have to stop being so damned embarrassed and ashamed for reasons that are still blurry.

This year I am not going to school with the newest shoes. This year I am not going to try and sit at another table. This year I will not try out for the Volleyball team. This year I just want to work on congruency. I want to allow myself to be me for once and not just for the new year because that it too limiting. It's something that I will have to work on every day. one day at a time. One goal at a time. It's time I stopped trying to be who I think I should be and realize that who I am is pretty awesome.

One day at a time.

P.S. Anyway who hasn't sent me an email yet about participating in the CD exchange should shoot me an email tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm making cover art and everything!. You know you want a mixcd! Don't be shy.