Jumanji was his name.

Last night I grabbed dinner with Christina (momma to be) and another girl named Elise  (who worked with us at Le Sad Store) and I must say the girls night was much needed and appreciated reprieve from the last week of shell-shocked-ness.

Before the election my friend Christina invited me to her baby shower. I knew going was going to be impossible because of her closeness to Kat, who was also invited,  but I still wanted to show my support and congratulate her on this huge event in her life. Heather suggested that I invite her to dinner as a way of showing my support because going to the baby shower would be a huge mistake.

At this point in time, I don't believe me and Kat can attend the same outing and not "have it out".
I ghosted her (so to speak) and after 6 years of friendship she probably deserved better than that. But I didn't see any other way out of my backed corner, so I did what I always do when the pressure gets too much...I disappear. I recognize now that I could have ended our friendship more diplomatically but I was reminded of my drag out 'break up" with Sean. I was reminded of my own inability to let go of things easily: I cling and struggle with the edge until the tips are my fingers pulsate in pain.

So even though we have gone months in radio silences, I can't imagine she would be apt at seeing my face at Christina's baby shower and I wouldn't want things to get super awkward in front of our mutual friends who have no idea of the discord between us. So I decided to decline the baby shower invite but last week asked Christina (and Elise) if they wanted to grab dinner after work one night to catch up on things.

Last night was that night and the 3 of us meet at this small Peruvian restaurant  near my job to catch up and talk shit. Despite my closeness to both girls, I was nervous as crap about the dinner. The three of us have gone out to eat numerous times and each time has been exceptional. We are a trifecta of diversity and I often joke that I love meeting up with them the most because we can talk about race and politics and sex unfiltered. But I was worried nonetheless that too much time had passed between the last time we saw each other and that the dinner itself would be awkward.

Of course that was not the case. For starters Christina is having a freaking baby. She is nervous and excited and anxious. She let us touch her belly and joked that she's taken to calling the baby "jumanji" because she recently cried during the movie as her hormones are out of whack. Elise  (who is fabulous and smart and going to take over the world one day) recently got promoted at her job and is finishing up her bachelor's degree. She recently went through a shitty breakup and of course we listened intently as she replayed the dramatic story and her ex's awful ways. I of course, stuck to the basics. I talked about work and my desire to head back to school for a degree in interior design (that of course will be paid if I can land a job at the university again). I talked about my car and going home for the holidays but mainly my excitement over seeing them.

We of course talked politics and expressed absolute horror over the election and the next four years. We all voted but admitted that we didn't really know much about politics or how our country is governed. During the last 8 years we've sort of lived in a bubble of hope and optimism. We all didn't think we'd ever get the complete and utter opposite of Obama. Elise is trying to organize things on her college campus to encourage (more) people to get involved in their local and state government. We talked about the fact that only 51% of registered voters voted in this years election. 51% percent. She brought this up as I was lamenting at the fact that people voted for Biff. She reminded me that only 26% of our nation voted for him willingly. 26% voted for Clinton (who also ended up winning the popular vote) and 46% didn't vote at all. .

"You can't worry so much about converting the 26%. It's about reaching out to the people who voted for a third party, people who wrote in Harambe as a candidate and most of all the 46% who were unhappy with both options. Those people are more reachable and valuable at this time".

And holy effing shit! She's right isn't she. It was like a light switch went off in my head, especially since I've been mulling over how to empathize with individuals who voted for him because in my mind even if "you" voted for him because you think he will bring jobs back to America while also fighting terrorism....you are guilty of ignoring the other 95% of his racist, sexist rhetoric and it's unacceptable to me. un-fucking-acceptable. So, idk, there is some relief in accepting that I can extend my hand of solidarity to those 26% but I am most unified with the bigger majority of individuals who rejected his non-sense even if they didn't do anything to shut it down.

We ended the night on a promise to hang out together before "jumaji" is born. We hugged and assured each other that while we were "fucked" we are determined to play our parts to make things better. I offered, of course, to drive Christina home because well she's pregnant and I didn't mind dropping her off. On the way to her house she asked me what happened with Kat.She didn't want to bring it up in front of Elise but was curious because Kat told her she wasn't sure why I stopped talking to her.

I told myself before the dinner that I would not talk about the drama between Kat if it came up in conversation but Christina is sort of the most neutral person I know. She gives advice based on the situation: never taking side and I sort of respected that she waited until it was just the two of us to ask me. So I told her the truth without demeaning Kat. I told her I felt smothered and that our friendship did not have any boundaries. I told her that when I tried to establish boundaries Kat took it as a form of rejection and became super possessive. I told her that Kat wanted more from me than I could or was willing to offer. At the end of the day, I choose myself over our a friend who wanted me to only consider her needs and happiness before my own. 

I didn't expect to say all of this but she's the only mutual friend I've talked and I guess I still question whether ending our friendship was the right thing to do. Because honestly Kat made it seem like it would be a disastrous decision because I'd miss out on the awesomeness that is having a best friend  So needless to say I was taken aback when Christina said "Fuck her man and her super crazy ass" followed by "I mean, I love her but seriously that's on some single white female level shit. You have to do what's best for you and only you. I love you and as long as you are happy I'm with you all the way".

She's going to be an awesome mom. Just amazing.

The dinner was my last big social outing before I head home in a few days.The awful feeling of despair still persists but I feel invigorated to do good things and be a good person while enjoying my comfy chair in-between. I am still anxious and nervous about the future, i still think we have taken giant leaps back in the wrong direction but if somehow I can turn these fears and pain into something productive maybe that is the good that can come out of it.