Terms and Conditions

This morning one of my good friends from the bookstore, Christina, texted me out of the blue and asked for my mailing address. I am not going to lie, for a hot second I thought i was being set up and this was some weird attempt from Kat to reach out to me via a mutual friend.  Or maybe this was my lame hope that this was Kat's lame attempt to reach out to me just because...idk, the calm these past few weeks (slowly fading into months) is a little unnerving. It is so unlike Kat to not react harshly to any slight. And this is a huge slight.

In a weird way I am a person who doesn't necessarily thrive off of dramatic reactions but I do occasionally make bold decisions or statements anticipating that shit may or may not go down as a result. While my decision to un-friend Kat was a honest and good one for myself, I admit I was expecting some sort of cataclysmic fallout from her these past few weeks because well, she has always reacted in a cataclysmic way. Like, always.

But the past two months have been silent. There is a part of me that wants to ease into the dissolution of friendship but at the same time am too paranoid to trust this calm .

The last few months have been perplexing and relieving. Relaxing of course because not having to mince every word or feel anxious about every thing I do is well...great. But equally the silence is kind of confusing, we once didn't talk for two weeks and she was so livid we had to talk it out one night like married people. So the fact that it has now been three months since things went sour and I have heard virtually nothing form her is...perplexing.  But we were always insanely on the same page in a lot of ways and perhaps not being friends was a decision we accepted as best on both ends.

I guess in many ways, I expected and wanted a groveling Kat to appear out of the blue to validate how insane her behavior was. Even if we decided, post groveling, that it is best for us to not remain friends, it would have filled me with some relief to hear "I'm sorry that I put such terms and conditions on our friendship and that I didn't respect your boundaries". Because what I've concluded is that our friendship only worked on her terms.  Anytime, I needed to branch out and forge my own identity she would accuse me of growing distant and ruining a good thing.

She once threatened that she wouldn't be my friend anymore " ifyou keep treating me like you do"and I recognized that she was giving me an ultimatum and also explicitly making our friendship conditional. We could continue being friends only if we never disagreed, never had conflicting schedules or never needed time apart. Of course these conditions were specific to me: I disagree often, my schedule often changes and I need time apart to restore energy. And, I am not a person who deals well with terms and conditions. I am not a person who likes to be put on any leash.

And whilst discussing Kat's behavior in retrospect, I am struck by how absolutely fucking nuts her behavior was. It was crazy. It was both possessive and unhinged. If i talked about taking a class or wanting to see a movie or plans for my weekend, she would automatically assume those plans included her. And when she realized it didn't she would feel slighted and enraged. "why didn't you invite me to go" "we always do things together" "why do you keep pushing me away". But then in the same breath she would go and completely make plans for herself based on things that I did: buy a new car, visit Chicago, apartment hunt in my town.

It was strange. And because I know that it's completely insane to make any relationship conditional, why isn't she aware enough to know this. Why am I waiting around for the big epiphany to hit her, followed by an apology. Because I think what I want out of all of this is some apology. I can be a fucked up person, I can be flighty and restless and hard to grasp but my ability to love and be loved is boundless and my only favor in return is that you love me despite myself.

So yea, there was a moment of panic when I saw Christina's name pop up on my phone accompanied by a text requesting my home address. Christina is equally close to Kat as she is to me and the three of us hung out regularly while we worked at Le Sad Store. So seeing her name, I kind of expected some bull about what I did to Kat because naturally I am to blame. Despite how crazy I know the situation was, I expected Kat to blame me for everything. And I also expected her to tell anyone and everyone that I was to blame.

So I exhaled loudly, telling myself that this this was the moment the silence was disrupted and that I was in store for some unnecessary drama on my least favorite day of the week.

Christina and I were pretty close at BN. She worked in the music department and when  Kat wasn't there, I generally hung out and bonded with her. When Marie died she took care of me during the shifts were I walked in despondent. She told me her father passed away when she was super young and that she never got over it and we ugly cried in the music department while customer waited in line.She knew all about the Sean drama as it was unfolding and was the only person who came close to kicking his ass for real after everything went down.

We both quit le sad store around the same time and this revelation that we wouldn't see each other on a weekly basis crushed me. She is a force of a woman, tall and curvy to the point that people are intimidated by her size and her confidence. I called her "Mama Bear" because I admired all the things that made her intimidating and recognized quickly that she was a nurturer.  I probably spent more time  talking about intimacy and life fears and womanhood with Christina than anyone else, and I sort of admired her brand of femininity which was a mix of  real toughness and sentiment. Like lace and leather.

We've stayed in touch as much as we can but it's always an out of the blue "i miss you" followed by "same bitch". Because our circle of friends is still very tight we often meet up with a few other people from le sad store to catch up on each others happenings. I was almost certain hearing from her today meant another get together was being planned and that I would in many ways have to decline the invitation (because I have no interest in seeing Kat anytime soon). 

My fears were quickly assuaged though because she just wanted my address to send me an invitation to a baby shower.  Her baby shower. She is having an effing baby. Omg, am I at that weird age where my friends are going to get married and become parents soon?...and omg what a weird and absolutely exciting time? Or depressing time.  My Mama Bear is literally going to be a Mama Bear and what the hell, how did i get to this place. Everyone around me is growing up and progressing and adult-ing. Holy effing mess.

The baby shower a month from today and of course I have anxieties about this. I want nothing more than to be a supportive friend during this big life moment  But at the same time, i know that if i was invited Kat was invited and a baby shower seems like the worst place to duke it out with someone. Or worse, maybe we would both show up and just pretend we were never friends and spend the whole night awkwardly making sure the other person knew we were actively avoiding each other. 

I think ive decided that I am not going to go but instead have extended an invitation to Christina to hang out beforehand so I can give her her gifts in person. I knew that in ending my friendship with Kat would in many ways be ending a lot of relationships with people tied to us both. But i don't understand why I can't still maintain the friendships I have with a few small people despite the end of one major relationship. Being an adult is so stupid. Le Sigh.