Moments of Clarity

A week from now I will be on a plane to South Carolina for Thanksgiving break. Of course my boss was not happy when I asked him for 3 days off to accommodate the holiday. I think he may have literally sighed and sat back in his seat while mentally questioning why I would need to take any days off to see my family. It's not that my boss hates me (because he doesn't) but I think he hates to admit that I contribute a lot more to this company than he bargained for. Of course after a few minutes of deep sighing he said I could go home for the holidays but that I couldn't request anymore personal days which I am still going to do because I'm an adult.

I need this trip home more than ever. I have never been in a physical fight before but I imagine this feeling of defeat and shame must be what losing one feels like. I feel battered and ashamed. When I was in the 2nd grade, I got into a horrible accident that banged me up pretty well. I made the mistake of trying to roller blade down a super steep and bumpy hill. I tripped all sorts of awkwardly and slide down the hill face first.

The left side of my face looked like charred meat for half the summer. I don't remember the pain from the accident, I don't remember crying but I do remember the days I had to stay home while my mom tended to my face. She'd hold me in her lap while she applied cocoa butter to my skin re-assuring me that I would be okay and that this wasn't the end of the world.  I felt embarrassed by the accident and more embarrassed by my battered ugly skin. I could still go outside and play with my friends but I didn't want anyone to see me because I was most ashamed about falling and tripping and face sliding. I felt like an idiot and didn't want to interact with anyone until I was whole again. I did not like feeling battered.

I guess right now I feel battered more than anything else. I am not in pain but instead am bruised in  areas I didn't know could ache. I am not a person who does well with change at all, and I can't help but feel that this imminent change is a negative one. And I am not blaming this fear on my liberalism, I am not a butt hurt left winged person who didn't get her way. I am just in shock and disbelief that my values do not match up with millions of others, and because those values seem so black and white to me (don't be a racists, sexist, asshole)  I am pained by the ugliness and cruelty this past week.

I knew it existed but didn't know how deep the division was. I feel sorry for their rage and hatred but I don't know what I can do to change the narrative. I read a comment yesterday that sort of hit me over the head with clarity. We have a tendency of generalizing people based on who they voted for. They are clumped into this group of deplorable s that make up such a small minority of the millions who voted. But maybe if we understood why those individuals gravitated towards such a negative campaign we could begin to move forward. Because honestly it's those minds we have to broaden. It's those minds and attitudes we have to tap into: the individuals who are resistant to how much has changed so quickly in our country

What I've realized is that I can re-blog as many posts about unity and peace and togetherness as I want. I can keep writing journal entries about my fears and concerns and freak-outed-ness.I can still plan to stand with all the vulnerable communities out there nervous about acts of violence and cruelty towards them or fearful that their rights and ability to thrive in America will be suppressed.  I will continue doing all of those things but if my core message only reaches the audience of like minded individuals I have in my life the message will fall on empathetic ears but not the ears that need to hear and listen the most.

I think that's where I am at right now. I am sort of paralyzed with the realization that while I obviously empathize with everyone I want to and will help, I also understand that outreach is just that...reaching out and I can't really just do that with only like-minded folks who think and live like I do. They aren't the ones who need "convincing" which isn't really the best word but you know what I mean Of course this isn't going to be able to tackle especially as I continue to read countless stories where people are losing their goddamn minds and inciting fear towards the very groups that are fearful right now.

I have a lot to think about and research while I am home. My anxiety is in maximum overdrive these days and if I don't channel it correctly I'm afraid it will have too much of a negative effect on my psyche. I honestly think a week home will do me some good (it usually does). I I am excited about this, maybe the only thing I've actually been excited for in 7 days. I will get to see my nephew and cook dinner with my mom and play video games with my brother. I will be able to let the reality sink in and devise a game plan that will make me feel more productive and a part of something positive.