Little Miss Out of Sorts

I'd first like to say that yesterday we got a new addition to the Hughes family. His name is Elliot Bradley Hughes to be exact and my mom, brother and I are over the moon with excitement.

I was in the supermarket when I got the news. A friend and I from work thought we'd embark on a simple trip to the supermarket upstairs to gather things to make beef stew. Well so his girlfriend can make beef stew and so we could eat it this weekend. We gathered all the necessary items except for some slow cooker seasoning thing we couldn't find.

We were in there for an hour (I kid you not). Going up and down every aisle with no luck. We asked the 16 year old employees where we could find it, but they all looked at us in sad confusion. We petitioned customers to help us but it's new york and everyone sort of gave us the stank eye.

By the 45 minute mark we were both hungry, cranky and annoyed. I came up with the brilliant idea to call my mom because moms know where everything is.

Friend: But she lives in South Carolina
Me: Doesn't matter. Moms have a weird sixth sense about grocery stores. She'll know what aisle we need to look in trust me.

So i dial her up but she answered in a whisper like one of those ladies from a lifetime movie being held captive but the dangerously attractive thug (i spent a great chunk of my weekend watching lifetime. I apologize). Then she said "hey, I'm in the hospital" which immediately sent me into a near panic even though we have been on baby watch since my brothers girlfriend was admitted to the hospital on Monday.

"She had the baby Beckett. You're an aunt!"

There a pause from me, general happiness and baby cooing in the back, and then a growl from my stomach.

"That's awesome mom. I can't wait to hear all about it when I get home.... but can you tell me where I could buy beef stew seasoning in a supermarket....."

And that is how I will remember his day of birth. He'll always remind me of Beef Stew. Welcome to the family Kid.

I've been a a little off this week. Nervous, anxious and full of snark. I have hit a wall with the job search and am utterly frustrated with my lack of money situation. I haven't heard anything back from the places I applied to and am sulking in a general feelings of incompetency. I know I am not suppose to take this to heart. But I need to be making more money in the next few months. It is as simple as that.

These general life anxieties have made me very tired and this week has a big blur of trying to make it to the next day unscathed. My naps are long, my moods are a swinging and the cold weather is not helping. It's suppose to snow again tomorrow (something I look forward to) but I have to close tomorrow night (something I do not look forward to) so traveling in the ice and snow will not be fun.

I remain optimistic that things will work themselves out. This brand new edition to our family represents that in some way. I just don't know how much longer I have to endure being a broke before it does. I sometimes find myself highly envious of people for the ease with which they seem to accomplish things.

There is a kid at work who we call the golden boy because though he has only been working there for four months, he is already a head cashier. The idea that he, only 19, could be making more money than me is heartbreaking. Not only that but i am offended when high school students apply to Le Sad Store because it puts my job in prospective even though we rarely hire them.

Anyway, Golden Boy is uber attractive. He is James Franco. Not even a little bit. Not even sort of kind of. If you've seen James Franco in Howl or the James Dean this is what this kid looks like. And knowing James Franco track record I wouldn't be surprised if I was working with the actual James Franco. Golden Boy is uber nice and smart and he carries a moleskin journal in his back pocket. He is swoon worthy and confidant, the good looks play a part, and within a month he was promoted to a position that only 2 other people (both over 23. both who've been employed by Le Sad Store for quite some time: Blue being one of them) have.

And he's so full of life. And that's not because he's 19. It's because this is a kid who has never faced rejection (at least in my mind). He's the sort of guy who has always gotten his way. And sometimes it is frustrating to talk to him, even though he is a class A guy. Because when someone has never heard the words 'no' their perspective can be a little to Carpe Diem for me. I am all about seizing the day but I have had to work for everything I have ever wanted with iron fists.

I am and will always been the underdog. A role I am proud and frustrated with.

Anyway.

I need a break from the stress of life at the moment. I have a day off today and will spend it reading nerdy books about butterflies. My newest obsession. I finally mailed off the Mix Cd's today because by Tuesday I meant Wednesday and by Wednesday I meant Thursday and by Thursday I meant "get out of bed and mail these things off woman". So they are finally in the mail a few days later than I had planned but still on there way.

Time to relax

~Becks

Music!

So I may or may not have forgotten that tomorrow is MLK jr day. I apologize both to MLK Jr's legacy and to the those of you participating in the Mix Cd Extravaganza( because I made the deadline for sending these out on a government holiday. My bad). I do believe the post office will be closed tomorrow so I won't be able to send out Cd's until Tuesday, which in all honesty is a good thing for me. You can send yours out anytime this week, even Saturday if that is the case.

I am uber excited about this years Cd exchange. Last year I was such a novice that I felt iffy about the quality of songs I compiled for you guys. But in a year my musical tastes has...matured. Not changed but definitely a little more mature.

The mixes are more cohesive this year. I took my time adding, deleting and sorting each album very carefully. While it maintains every element of my musical ear in it, the songs are very distinct. A lot of great songs did not make the cut but the ones that did are superb. I can say that with a straight face.

I tried not to bog them down with just one genre of music but I did want it to function as a soundtrack for whoever I was making it for. So yeah, I'm excited I hope you guys are too.

I am almost done with the project as a whole and come Tuesday Mix Cd's will be sent off.

Yay!

~Becks

Just A Glimpse.

Today I had a day off.



This is almost unheard of in my life right now. I haven't had a proper Saturday off in....forever and I have spent the last couple of days preparing for today's momentous lounge fest.





I cleaned my room. I checked out nerd books from the library and got my hands on a copy of Garden State to watch this evening. All in all it's actually been a really good, productive day. When I was in school I spent my weekends hibernating. I'd go to the campus bookstore and pick up treats before heading to the sandwich shop down the road. I'd come back to my very messy dorm room and relax. I forgot how much I truly missed those days until today.

The other night at work I calculated that I will need to pull in a modest 600 bucks a week with a big people's job in order to stay afloat here in New York. I calculated this because along with planning to spend most of my day in very comfy pj's I wanted to spend another chunk figuring things out.



By the summer I will need a job. There is no way around it. I have to start paying back loans soon and the money I make now is more of an allowance than anything else. The thought of having to return home because of financial reasons frightens me. It would feel like Philadelphia all over again. And despite the days I talk smack about New York, I really enjoy living here. It's unlike any place I've ever been and I am developing here as some weird shy, anxious but stronger hybrid of myself.



I do not make anything close to 600/week at Le Sad Store. But if i wish to continue cursing out rude cab drivers (I'm talking to you #107!) and getting lost down some very pretty side streets, I need a plan. A concrete 'I need a suckass entry level job" plan. I composed a pretty swell cover letter for a mid-sized publishing company today and am considering locating a temp agency like place to help with finding employment.



I'm young enough that having two jobs wouldn't take that big of a toll on me, but one that cover just the basics is all I ask for. That seems to be a lot these day.



I often time get lost in the shuffle that is my life, especially with all the worries that invade my thoughts. Transitions are hard for me. So much that I often find myself in a weird state of stasis. I reflect on the past and things that could have been done differently. Other times I find myself trying to imagine the future, setting up such high expectations I have no armor against the failures that may occur.

I sometimes wish there were a 'Just A Glimpse' button. Where I could catch just a sneak peek at what life has in store for me, or in retrospect, how it could have been different give or take a couple of costly decisions.

I bring this up because a week ago my brother received an email from the man who basically raised us. When I was 5 my mom started dating a man who would come to be a surrogate father to my brother and I. His name was James, and I rarely talk about him on this here journal because I don't want to denounce the huge impact my dad has had on me.

It's what happens when your parents divorce and begin dating someone else. No matter how great the significant other is you can't admit that to your parents. I remember when things between my mom and James got so serious that my mom introduced him to my dad as she was dropping my brother and I off for a weekend at his house.

They were both very cordial (something my dad is not good at) and exchanged "nice to meet you" 'same here" but the moment my mom and James left my dad said "he's not all that great you know" in a throw away sentence sort of way. And despite my absolute adoration for James and the nice things he'd done for us thus far I said "yeah. he's sort of a nerd. you are way cooler".

But the truth is, while I love and respect and can't imagine my dad not being my dad, James raised me. My mom started dating him when I was in Kindergarten and they broke things off when I was 12 and a half. He is a huge chunk of my childhood.

He came to all of my violin recitals and birthday parties and spent holidays with us. He taught my brother and I how to ride bikes, helped with homework and disciplined us as much as he could. And I was his right hand man. He was the adult I preferred the most because he never broke a promise, was always there when I needed him and danced with us to some weird music in the car.

My mom and his split was brutal. It seems we were not enough for him. During a break in their relationship he started to see another woman and when him and my mom got back together he continued to see the other woman. When my mom found out, she yelled and screamed and threw things and we didn't see James for awhile. They eventually got back together and remained a couple for a few more years but when my mom was offered a job down south....he didn't stop her from leaving.

And my mom sort of banked on him asking us to stay. For him to ask us to become one big family. We already got along with his kids and my mom in turn was there surrogate mother. He inherited a huge house from his father where we all would have fit. So sometimes we were hardheaded, and my brother and I could duke it out like enemies. But I wanted to be his daughter, as much as I wanted my mom to be his wife and my brother his son.

And the morning that we left for South Carolina, I kept begging him with my eyes to ask us to stay. To choose us over everyone else. To choose me as his daughter. And he didn't. He just let us go.

And I can't help but associate my current issues with inadequacy and disassociation with my belief that he rejected us for something/one better. I have more issues with this than anything else.

So when he reconnected with my brother a week ago on facebook, we were all shocked and curious. The email was short and simple. His mother, who battled health issues for as long as I can remember, died this fall. He still lived in Westchester, only 40 minutes from where I stay and wanted to see how we were doing. Mainly though, he regretted the choices he made in regards to us because 'you, beckett and your mom' were the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Love James.

Because of this I have spent the last couple of days doing the latter of my neurotic thinking. I can't help but wonder who we, as a family, would have been if he'd said this all those years ago. Just as my mom blue caravan was rolling out of the apartment parking lot.

Would I be so anxious now? Would I feel so directionless? Would I see myself in a better light instead of in a self critical one? In my dreams I beg for a glimpse of this alternate version. Just a teeny glimpse where we staying in New York. Where I continued the awkwardness that is middle school with my band of theater and orchestra friends. Would I have been such an angry miserable teen who became an anxious and lonely college student? Would I be on the brink of having an extraordinary life though I continue to have thoughts that I am not worthy of it because there is someone better?

And I know that button would do more harm then good. I know that there is no going back and my life is my life for a reason. But sometimes on very lovely days off when I realize that I am 24 year old Beckett at a crossroads job, relationship and happiness wise, I can't but wonder how things would have turned out if he'd taken a chance on us.

I guess I'm not the only one.

Number 1 Reason Why I Hate My Job...

We open on snow days.

I am so pissed.

The only time I am really struck by the suckassness of my job is when I don't get days off like normal people. No delays. No come in if you can. No options to work from home because I can. No. When you work in retail it is simply about the money. We have to open because the store could lose a considerable amount of money if we don't.

So despite setting up for my snow day in advance last night: cleaning my room, organizing books to read, moving snacks close enough to reach from my bed; I still have to go to work today. It doesn't matter that the sidewalks are not paved and my fingers will be cold. It doesn't matter that I have an uphill, downhill walk to and from work today. And I doubt it McAbs will be there to offer me a ride home.

We must open. Because despite weather that should inspire people to stay home and snuggle against someone close, some jackass will want to go shopping today. And in this town, it's not just some jackass it's a lot of them. Mothers and Fathers who don't know how to entertain their kids, teenagers who have a bloody day off, and the crazy homeless people who sit in the couch life seats all day and then give you the stank eye when you have to remind them that pulling 50 books of the shelf is not necessary.

Good God, I hate my job.

Time to put away the snow day inspired socks I was going to wear. Okay, they are just polka dot socks but nonetheless very warm and fuzzy. Time to turn off the Law and Order marathon. Time to put away the trashy books. And this one had a Duke in it. I've always wanted to meet a Duke or no, maybe a Pirate. No, a Duke.

I'm so pissed.

SNOW!!!!!!

um...it's snowing!!!!!

That is all.

Passive Aggressive is My Middle Name.

Winter is officially kicking my ass.



The last week has been a blur of work, sleep, music mixing (1 more week ladies and gent) and more sleep. That is all now topped with a level of stress because I am only clocking in three days this week. Those three days may soon become 2 if the huge big snowstorm that everyone is talking about actually develops into something Tuesday night.

With four days of a potential break from work (in the works) I am trying to curb the cabin fever before it hits.

I am about 75% done with mixcd exchange extravaganza and I must say the music this year that I have compiled is awesome. It's been a little more difficult trying to find the right songs. As I continue to wear a Mix Cd Newbie badge, I often find myself wanting to do the obvious and put all my favorite songs on my mixes. But then I realize that that is not really a mix. A mix, in some form has to be cohesive. It's like a soundtrack. And by damn I am creating quite the soundtrack(s)

I've recently gotten all sentimental over the movie Garden State again. And not because Zach Braff and Natalie Portman steal my heart in every scene but because the existential, twenty something conundrum is captured so perfectly. I am literally at the crossroads where the past is a place I can't go back to even though I want to and the future seems grey and I fear where I will end up. So I am just here, in the middle, looking fondly on what I had while I assess what I want.

In so many words Garden State is a move about the pains of growing up. About what it is like to not have a grasp on your own existence while trying to forge one out of all the pain. At 24, I cannot even begin to relate how painful being/becoming a older version of myself has been. There are days when I want to crawl back into some time warp where I am 8.

I really need to watch Garden State again.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I've recently gotten all inspired by the movie again because the music on the soundtrack is as awesome as the movie. While most of the more memorable songs are missing, Zach Braff did a hell of a job compiling the soundtrack for Garden State. To this day it remains one of the more inspiring compilations because every song goes together so well.

In Mix Cd land I will never be able to make a concept mix. I don't do well with concrete themes. I have however found a musical niche in regards to creating cohesive soundtracks. I am the Zach Braff of music compilers these days (a lot has changed since making my first mix cd a year ago).

So far the songs for MixCd Extraganza 2011, as a whole, gel together like nerdy friends at the lunch table. And we all know how much I love nerds. I am actually very proud of what I have created this time around. I have to stop re-arranging the playlist every other hour but that's where the perfectionist in me pops out. I will post both tracklists in two weeks and am putting my finishing touch on the project as a whole this week. So yeah, I am uber excited about sending these bad boys out.

That's pretty much all I have planned this week. I'm sort of drained and tired and blah. My feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and general suckassness is at the forefront these days and I am doing all I can to keep it at bay. And I am having night terrors again. I am not a fan of them because I only have bad dreams when I am stressed. The music mixing has helped a lot but serious down time is much needed.

In other news

I approached Blue the other day about being upset with him. It was weird and passive and didn't go as well as I thought it would. He came up to me very tentatively as I was going over merchandise in the game department (another new task bestowed on me by management). He stood next to me and said "how's it going" very quietly. I said things were going all right and then went back to my clipboard and project.

He started walking away when I stopped him and said that we needed to have a small talk. Nothing serious, I just wanted to address the awkwardness. I thought i was going to tell him that I was pissed that he invited and then uninvited me to his New Years Eve party and that I was looking forward to hanging out with him until backed out of plans. That's what I planned to say.

Instead I sort of fumbled for words and said that I didn't like that he called me consistent. Yeah, I went that route. I know, I know. I should have been more direct. But he was being such a boy. Cute and nervous and totally oblivious to the fact that I was angry at him. He turned all red and said "if I apologize would that make you feel better"

Le Sigh. Yes Blue it would, if you knew what I was really mad at you about. Sure an apology would be great. So then he proceeded to fumble and apologize for calling me consistent. "some people find consistent to be a compliment. It's like being quaint. not that i'm calling you quaint, unless you like the word quaint...i'm sorry beckett".

We were standing next to each other and facing a display of games as we spoke. Our words sort of bounced off of puzzles and games and fell to the floor. It felt as if I was confessing my displeasure with Monopoly as he was apologizing to Life. We were utterly disconnected and trying to do this as quick as possible so that we could go back to normal.

And like that I tucked my real feelings back into my skin and he skipped away and continued to be Blue. It's all so frustrating when I really sit back and think about it.

For the next few days I won't though. I'll focus on me. I got a bunch of trashy romantic suspense stories to read in preparation for the big storm on Wednesday. Nothing warms my heart more than campy romance novels and hot detectives.

Blue Boy

Thank god for days off.


The New Year was ushered in on rocky terms to say the least. The last few days have been a blur of bookselling, applying to jobs and sleeping. A lot of sleeping combined with general angst towards the Boy formerly known as Blue.





I want to reiterate how lame it was of him to un-invite me to his party. When I woke up on New Years Eve I had my plans set. Work, Blue's party and then off to my aunts for some family time. I was actually looking forward to Blue's party. I am not the easiest person to know. I am secretive and withdrawn. I am elusive and flighty. But once I am yours, dammit I am yours. It just takes a little time. And in some weird way I thought inviting me to his 'friends only' party was a way of him saying he was letting me in to his life in a weird way.

I'm such a girl.



Ever since he said those really nice words to me, I've gone back and forth between whether I like him or like him. I put myself out there by sharing my story ideas with him, going to see movies and such, playing dumb ass Dungeons and Dragons to pass time with him. But to be honest, outside of that really weird day where he said I had sparkly eyes, he has never hinted at anything romantic. He has in some ways treated me like the boyish girl friend from all those 80/90's teen flick. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve while her wayward and distant friend pines for another chick.





Sure we've made a connection of sorts. But he's Blue. Kat likes him, Jenn nearly molested him once or twice, and he and a new girl at work who has a name that sounds like a musical instrument are uber friendly these days. Often times, I felt...utterly average around him. As if he is use to this sort of attention from girls.





The debate on whether boys and girls, men and women, can ever truly be friends is very interesting now that I am in my 20's. I do believe it is possible (though very tricky) but only after weeding out if you are attracted to them on a romantic level. I don't think there has ever been a guy friend that I didn't at least once wonder about dating. Sometimes seriously and sometimes nonchalantly. It just depends I guess.





And I'm still not sure of my level of interest in Blue. I liked him. Yes. I enjoyed hanging out with him. Yes. I would have given it a shot if he pursued. But he never did. And I was simply in that time honored position of 'interest'. In wondering half heartily what dating him would feel like.





I thought often of how we would get along without his friends and people from work around. The texts, phone calls and IM messages we would engage in. The places I would drag him too and the long never ending conversations I would have with him about history. He's a huge history nerd. I imagined the car rides and the music we'd listen to, the dumb dates we'd go on and the several potential first for me. It was all terribly normal stuff, but the idea of it being new was the most exciting thing of all. The idea of having someone interested in me was...nice.





So this whole New Years Eve thing is more perplexing than sad. I am more mad than anything else. For wanting Blue to want me, I guess. For wanting him to invite me into his life outside of the bookstore and random hang outs. And it didn't help that it was no big deal to him. At all. He spent the rest of the evening suggesting other plans for me AND he called me consistent. He was sooo ready to leave that night that he got on my case because i wasn't cleaning the store fast enough.





'some people have things to do after work Beckett. You guys can't clean the store a little faster"



So i replied: "Chill out. Even if we don't have plans after work some of us would like to get out of here too"



"That's why I like you Beckett. You're so consistent" he smiled, and then walked away.



I'm consistent! Because I never have any plans after work. Consistent. Because I never have anyone waiting on me. Consistent.



Blue can kiss my ass.



I ignored him on Saturday. He came and asked me what I did that night. I told him I babysat and made snowflakes then walked away with a huge visible chip on my shoulder. I was even more distant on Sunday,to the point where he realized I was angry with him.



But I don't do angry well. I am hurt by Blue but I don't want to be a bitch towards him. Being a bitch just makes me feel guilty for caring. But things will be different. He does not take me as seriously as I thought. After this whole thing I feel like a big joke to Blue. Like a sweet young kid whose hair he can ruffle but whose interest are very platonic or worse.



So yeah. I'll have to figure something out. I don't know how to deal with this situation. But my anger towards him means something. It means that somewhere I cared or still care. Oh, Blue.



In order unrelated news MixCd Extravaganza is in full force. Apparently it's just me, Frogboots and Mary Poppins participating this year (come on people, free music!!!). But that's cool. I'm hard at work on some very good cd's, accompanied by some art related material to go with it.



Packages should be sent out the 17th ladies, I do hope you enjoy the mixes I make for you this year, as I will no doubt enjoy the songs you have compiled for me.


I'm really excited about this exchange. It's a great way to kick off this year.

One Day At A Time.

To me, this whole New Years thing will alway feel like the first day of school.

I remember when I was a kid the new year meant that I could reinvent myself. That with a request for new clothes, school accessories and hairdo, I could walk into my same Middle/ High School a change girl.

Up until the 11th grade, every new school year started with a list of things I would do differently. I would dress better in order to fit in more, *I* would buy, use and keep a planner to be more organized, I would write my a's differently, just like Elizabeth Leslie the pretty popular girl in my English class, who topped her a's with a fancy curve.

I would drop out of the Media Club (formerly known as the AV club) for a more dignified extracurricular activity...volleyball or journalism club.

I enacted plans to in order to make sure that I would be a new me for the new school year. I'd spend hours in my room perfecting my penmanship (which is why i have pretty writing today). I exercised during summer breaks to slim down, bought teen vogue and seventeen magazine for clothing and makeup tips. I listened to the radio because girls my age weren't into Sarah Mclachlan and Talk Talk (and those who were worse off in school, socially, than I was). Fuck I even bought a Britney Spears album. I listened to it once.

All of these things would not make me popular, I knew this even then. Trust me I didn't even want to be popular. I just didn't want to be me. I didn't want to be the shy, socially awkward, Media Club Beckett. I didn't want to be the nerd girl with nerd friends who spent the weekends at home watching Lifetime movies. To be honest, I wanted to be a better version of me. I wanted to be one of those girls who has her shit together, with a few good friends and a life I didn't hate.

Postscript memory: I remember I had to do a school project once with a girl name Alana. She was a popular cheerleader who drove a Black Honda and wore really nice clothes.It was a group project that required us to drive across town to meet with a principal from our rival high school in order to talk about the differences in our school (i ended up pissing him off because during the meeting he got a call from a parent whose kid was getting bullied. I asked him politely what steps they were taking to deal with school bullying. He went ashen, started to stutter and then requested that I put my pen and paper down and not quote him on anything. Ass).

She offered to drive me and another person from our group to the school and we listened to Pop music with the windows down the whole way. I wanted to be her then. A girl with a driver's license and cool makeup and friends calling her pre-paid cell phone. Being me seemed lame in comparison. I will struggle with this for some time I assume.


So every time the new school year rolled around I'd think that maybe having a prettier notebook or better handwriting would make me...better. Maybe that new sweater would convince the Elizabeth Leslie's and Ethan Farmer's (and Alana's with Hondas) that I was OK after all and I wouldn't feel so inadequate at the end of the school year because I wasn't.

Of course, once school started having those things didn't make a difference. I never used any of the planners I asked for. I went back to wearing raggedy Batman t-shirts from thrift stores and started buying records instead of Cd's. I wrote my a's sans a fancy curve and I was never cut out for volleyball. Too much jumping and argh-ing (the only way i can describe the sound of your team when you miss a hit).

I continued to be awkward and weird. I continued to excel in areas that I didn't want to and subsequently 'fail' in the ones I wanted so badly to be apart of. It wasn't until the 11th grade that I started not to give a shit with reinventing myself, something my mother was grateful for because she could stop buying me new things every year. But as we welcome in another new year I can't help but feel that this is the adult equivalent.

That every year we convince ourselves that by setting goals to alter ourselves the new year will be better. That in an instant we will be ushered into a new life because we changed one or two things about ourselves. Hell I do it every December 31st too, I can't even pretend that I don't. But sometimes I just don't get the point. Sometimes I wonder if the grass on the other side is as green as I think it is. Sometimes I wonder if spending all this time wanting to be a better version of 'me' is really suppressing the only version that matters.

I do have very high hopes for the new year, but this time around it'll be enacted by the same old me. In therapy (something I miss more than I would like to admit) we pinpointed that I have congruency issues. It was the first thing she said during my very first session. That I do not see myself as everyone else does. I walked in her office telling her of my inability to express myself, that I was shy and awkward and weird. That I had issues connecting. At the end of my my 'tirade' she said: It's interesting to hear you say all of these things, because the person you just described is not the person sitting before me.

I was articulate, smart, funny and well rounded. Sure I was showing signs of an anxiety disorder but I was bubbly and a joy to be around. She promised that we would work on congruency. That the two me's would realize they inhabit the same skin and I would stop disassociating the two (this is not to be confused with any form of a dissociative disorder).

And I still am working on this. There are days when I have proclaimed that I am not artistic, smart or even funny. That I am a boring peculiar girl. I have this idea of what being artistic, well rounded, witty and awesome look like and they bear little or no resemblance to me. But I am all of those things when I'm not being hard on myself. I am the person I have always wanted to be, just with some things to work on. Sure I have a bunch of work ahead of me but fuck it if I spend another year trying to be something or one that I'm not.

Everything I have ever wanted I am capable of achieving. I don't have to be someone else (or worse want to be someone else) in order to do so. I just have to come to terms with my skin. I have to allow myself to be me. I have to stop being so damned embarrassed and ashamed for reasons that are still blurry.

This year I am not going to school with the newest shoes. This year I am not going to try and sit at another table. This year I will not try out for the Volleyball team. This year I just want to work on congruency. I want to allow myself to be me for once and not just for the new year because that it too limiting. It's something that I will have to work on every day. one day at a time. One goal at a time. It's time I stopped trying to be who I think I should be and realize that who I am is pretty awesome.

One day at a time.

P.S. Anyway who hasn't sent me an email yet about participating in the CD exchange should shoot me an email tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm making cover art and everything!. You know you want a mixcd! Don't be shy.

Goodbye 2010.

well the last day of 2010 worked out well for me.

I went to work believing that I would work until 6, go to Blue's New Years Eve Bash until 9:30 and then go to my aunt's house to make cupcakes with my baby cousin and watch the ball drop from Times Square on TV.

One of those things did not happen because Blue uninvited me from his party. I. shit. You. Not.

I am too pissed right now to go over the details. But I'll sum it up quickly.

He pretended as if he never asked me to go to his dumb party. When I got to work today he asked me what I had planned for New Years Eve. I sort of gave him a puzzled look like 'going to your New Years Eve part silly. What do you mean what I am doing tonight"

But I didn't want to say that out loud and let him know that I had thought of how I would conduct myself at his part for weeks, and even spent all of last night picking out an outfit. So I played along, because I didn't want to embarrass myself by revealing how much I cared that he invited me.

"I don't know. Stuff" I said coyly "New Years Eve stuff maybe".

He then said:

"you should call [ our mutual friend], I hear he is going to have some people over tonight. You could do that"

WTF?! Call [ mutual friend]. What about your party invitation asshat. The one you personally invited me to some 2 weeks ago. The one you said you'd like to see me at.

But I continued to go along with him

"or I could do something else....maybe"

And then this piece of shit says:

"I mean. I'm having a party but I don't know if I can squeeze anymore people in the suite I rented. So, I mean, there's no use inviting you. I mean, I will extend my hand anyway, but you should see what everyone else is doing because with the 15 people I've invited I just don't know about you coming, you might be able to tag along with someone else though"

Heart. Broken. Million. Splintered. Pieces.

Wait. I take that back, my heart is not broken. I was actually mad. Livid. Betrayed.

He spent the rest of the night suggesting other things for me to do. I could go to a bar. Or to another friends party. Or home.

I rolled my eyes and beat him up painfully in my mind. I wanted to cry but mainly I wanted to scream and break things.

I didn't even look at him when we left. I don't think I ever will.

So yeah. 2010. You sucked right until the last day. I hope you burn in hell you piece of crap year.

Sincerely,

Beckett.

P.S. On the bright side my cousin remains a delightful ham and we made mini cupcakes to gorge on while making paper fans and tickling invisible friends. I adore this child.

MIXCD's 2011!!!

I think it's about time for another mixcd exchange. Don't you?



I cannot express how awesome the mini mixcd exchange was last year. I still nod my head down the streets to the playlists I recieved (and I hope you do the same).



In September I tentatively thought about regniting the Mixcd Exchange project. But I got all bummed out about job, life and general me things.



2010 has been rough. I been on a few interviews, fell in like with boys who seem to out of reach for me, and cried more than I liked to admit in the sleeve of my pillowcase.



In all honesty, I am so ready for 2010 to be over. I have such high (high) hopes for 2011 that I am counting down the days to New Years Eve like no one else's business.

A couple of days a go a friend reminded me of this mixcd exchange from last yearand I remembered what a blast it was recieving snail mail with mixcd's and letters. I feel like it would have perked my spirits up this year also had I gotten around to posting about it.


Because lets be honest, while I am as broke as a broke can be, working retail at the horrible Le Sad Store, wearing shoes that are five years old there is one thing i know well....really great music. You can't take that from me.



And lately I have been listening to some kickass stuff. I can say this because I am a music snob and proud of it. And while I have been down in the dumps lately a Mixtape Exchange for the new year would be...the shit. There is no other way to put it.



So. How should i do this. The rules are the same I guess. I'll copy and paste the edited rules from the entry a year ago:


1. Lets Make A Mix CD! It's that simple. I will compose a mix cd for you, with about 12-2oish songs of my choosing. In turn you'll make me one. Each tracklist will different and be composed of songs I think a) you will like or b) that I like SOOOO much I hope you will like them while also getting a better sense of who I am.



2. In order for this to be an exchange those participating have to make a mixtape for me. It would work in the same way. Put songs on there that mean something to you or that you think would mean something to me. I listen to (almost) everything but I'm really just interested in what you choose.



3. The mixtape have to have a title (apparently it's that law) accompanied by the tracklist. I think the naming process has something to do with rule (or rather suggestion ) number 5. I am horrible with giving things titles and if you are like me this naming thing will seem....stupid. But the name will give the Mix Cd a unique character. Last year we even jazzed up the mix cd's. Many had booklets and covers and I adored the personal letters accompied by awesome music.



4. What I believe to be the most important part: LISTEN to the mixcd before viewing the tracklist. I think this is important because we all have biases. I mean if I were to see a Justin Bieber song on the tracklist you could be damn well I would scuff and skip that song and in the process potentially miss out on a song that has meaning to you or that might not suck as bad as I thought it would (please don't put any Justin Bieber on the mix cd's if you do not have to though).


So listen to the CD first and then after the last song has played go and check out the playlist. You may be surprised



5. Theme it up! Well if you want. Mixtapes usually have some sort of theme to them. A mix for rainy days, snowy days, calm afternoons, Party in the USA days, I like you but I don't know how to tell you, I dislike you but I don't know how to tell you. My friend at work believes the THEME is the most important part. I don't really do well with themes (plus my theme is technically the person I am making the mix for). I will let you decide if you want to make a themed mix cd or not. No pressure here.



6. Last year Cd's were sent out around Xmas. Because Christmas has passed and New Years is days away I want to be able to give everyone ample time to compose a tracklist. 2 weeks seems fair enough. So Mix Cd's should be sent out by/on January 17th! Because of this I need to know who is participating no later than MONDAY January 3rd. Just send me a quick email saying you want to join. And if you are reading this entry on January 5th and think you have missed the deadline just send me a quick email anyway. It's all cool.

7. The tricky part. If you want to participate send me your email address. I tried to set up a gmail account via Blogger but that didn't work. So for those who don't have my aol address I set up another a gmail account. It's everythingwas301@gmail.com.



7.5 (NEW) Last year I exchnaged mainly with folks I am familar with on this blog. It's a privacy thing (and I'm uber weird about sending out my home address in the age google maps!) but I don't want to exclude anyone who reads this journal but who may not comment all that much. Hell I rarely comment on the blogs I read.

So while it is important that those of you participating are people I am familar with I will create a Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt Mix Cd this year, specifically for readers who I don't get a chance to hear from. A musical soundtrack and representation of this blog for all those who want to participate.

I will provide a PO Box address to those who email me at the gmail account. While I want the mixes to be personal I want to take note of everyone who reads my journal and who wants to participate. So come on, join us!


8. This should be fun! I set out to do this because I have been documenting my everyday experiences for a while. Because of the nature of my blog i have strayed away from making all aspects of my life available here. And in all honesty I probably never will. I have lost some friends (readers) because of my elusive nature, and I have in the past felt guilty for not extending the 'real world' Beckett to those who have access to Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts. And even though this is the realest form you will ever get of me, I thought this MIX CD EXTRAVAGANZA could be a way for me to say "hey I do exist out there somewhere, wanna hear some cool sounds to remind you of that". It's me extending my blog hand and inviting you into life outside of this blog for a moment or at least 59.4 minutes according to someone's playlist.




If you want to join let me know. I would kind of have to have a complete list of people I need to make a MixCD for on Monday. I get overwhelmed easily, some mixes will be easier to compose than others.



Alright those are the rules. Anyone who wants to join in on the fun leave a comment or email me. I'll post more once I get a list of everyone who is participating.

This is going to be amazing. I can already tell.

~Becks

Blizzard 2010.

Holy Smokes. I wanted snow but I wasn't expecting this much snow.

The last week was overwhelming busy. I'll just have to come to grips with the fact that working in retail will forever make me dislike the holidays, just a little. I won't be as bad of a scrooge as I was this year. But I will have a little PSD anytime I step at a checkout line.

I am struck by how predictable people are. Retail reminds you of the horrors of consumerism and the bane of our existence is wrought with ungrades. Every year a new item comes out that children, adults, and those of us in the middle NEED. It turns everyday good people into savages. I am not a person who constantly needs an upgrade. I've had the same tv, glasses, dvd, phone plan and ipod for the last five years. I don't see the point in having an Ipad or an e-reader. I don't need tv on my phone or the interweb at my fingertips.

I'm not that complicated. Give me a paperback book, my simple ipod and some warm pajama pants and I am set for life. This year people came out in hoards to shop for Christmas presents. It was disheartening, and stressful and a bunch of the seasonal employees crumbled under the pressure. The rest of us defended ourselves against rude customers, crying babies, and one kid who threw up all over customer service. We hugged it out in the break room and sang songs of survival.

And we talked about drinking. A lot.

On Thursday I had to open (8am to 4pm) but was able to spend the rest of the night and Christmas morning at my aunts house. Our relationship is mending. The whole fiasco of last year is still pretty painful but I love hanging out with my baby cousin. She is five now and her personality is infectious. When my aunt asked if I wanted to spend the holidays with them all I could think about was Michelle. How awesome it would be to help her open presents.

When I got to my aunts house, all three of them (Michelle, aunt and Chris) were camped out on the couch watching cheesy movies. Michelle almost knocked over as she hugged me to the ground. We spent the rest of the night baking cupcakes and drawing pictures. I even helped her make her first real story book. She came up with the characters, story and pictures herself. I just wrote every choppy five year old sentence down. She squealed with excitement when I told her to sign her name after the finished product. I am nurturing a creative kid in the making.

On Christmas day I could only stay until noon because I was scheduled to work 7am the next day at Le Sad Store. My aunt had to work Christmas so it was just Michelle, Chris and I. I wanted to be able to help Michelle open up all her presents, followed by setting up all her toys to play with. She got a Leapfrog device which she played for the majority of the morning while I braided the hair of some Rapunzel-isue doll.

Being around her eliminated all the scrooge like sentiments for me and by Sunday even though I had to get to work at an ungodly hour because Le Sad Store had to mark down all of the holiday items, I was giddy all day. So people were still assholes once the store opened. So I was completely exhausted and drained from having to work so early. But that didn't matter because getting to play Just Dance for Kids with a uncoordinated five year old is the bees knees of pick me ups.

Everyone else did not share this same giddiness. Kat and some others (who usually don't work weekends) had to come in and were miserable looking. Blue was there and he showed off his very cool feather hat but sulked most of the day as well. I do adore boys with interesting fashion however and asked him to model it on during our lunch break. It was cute. McAbs however was in a horrible mood, per usual. I asked him how Christmas was and he replied 'I drank, a lot". When i asked why he said 'because it's Christmas. it's what we do at home'.

Alright then.

However during my break as I was talking to my mom on the phone McAbs walked down the aisle where I was lingering and bent down to kiss me. I kid you not!!!!!!! Evident by how many exclamations points I used. He kissed me ya'll!!!

It was a small peck, soft and unplanned one, as if there was an imaginary mistletoe over our heads. It took me off guard (soft lips, unshaven face, boy smell, blushed cheeks). It lasted less than 3 seconds. But holy crap. A kiss from the boy I was not expecting one from. He then walked away as if nothing had happened and said 'merry Christmas Beckett". No words. No words at all.

I played it off very cool around the rest of the day. I didn't mention the kiss. He didn't mention the kiss. We talked about Just Dance and he said I was the only nice person at work. I said he wasn't too shabby when he wasn't sulking around and being a turd. We will not mention it at all, I guess. It will remain something he did unexpectantly, my cheeks will just have to de-blush themselves.But when I got home, I did bring my hand up to my mouth just where his grazed mine. What a weird boy.

And THEN I got presents from my best friend at work. In a very cute Christmas bag I got a doctor who nerd fans greatest gift....A sonic screwdriver! I nearly cried from happiness and then felt guilty because I didn't get him anything (I'll spend the next few days surfing the net for superman related gifts. any ideas will be greatly appreciated).

Today there is about 20 inches of snow on the ground. I am still going to work ( I freakig hate retail) but combined with my presents, hanging out with Michelle, and a kiss from McAbs I am feeling the holiday spirit all of a sudden. Or I am just high off of all the love.

Thank You Blizzard 2010.

To Be A Bear.

It's really really cold outside.



I had to go to the Post Office today to pick up a box to ship some presents home and I almost ran back inside once I realized how cold it was outside. 19 degrees was our high today. 19. I didn't even know temperature like that existed. The Post Office isn't even that far from my house but the chill here is enough to make me want to stay inside all day curled underneath piles of blankets and pillows.



I have seriously considered going into hibernation more times than usual this year. The thought of staying inside a warm enclosed space until the sun comes back out would be delightful. I already hoard food. The shelf below my mini fridge is awesome. Cereal, saltine crackers, cookies, soup, and boxes of hot chocolate. I have my computer, music, plenty of books from my trip to The Strand and netflix so i wouldn't have to worry about lack of entertainment. And I'm a bit of a loner anyway so limited contact by phone and emails will make up for the lack of interaction with people.



This is something to consider. I wonder if I'd get paid time off for this?



I am a huge fan of winter. Don't get me wrong. I have never gotten seasonal depression. I excel in cold weather and I find snow to be beautiful. I feel an attachment towards the snow like no one else. I am not even jaded yet with having to travel in it.



A couple of days ago we got our first real snow storm and I reacted like any other 24 year old. I tilted my head on the walk home and tried to catch snowflakes on my tongue. I then made a heart shaped snow trail in someones yard.



Do you know when I was a baby I almost died. One night I got a fever so bad that I went into some weird shock while in my moms arms. My mom freaked the fuck out naturally when she saw that I was having difficulties breathing and running a dangerously high fever. It was also the night of the first real snow storm in New York(or at least that is what my very dramatic storytelling mom says)



For reasons she cannot explain, she carried my very on the 'verge of death' self outside, into the freezing cold where the snow had accumulated a few inches. She dropped to her knees and with me in her arms and pressed me into the snow. She says it was the first thing that came to her mind while waiting for the ambulance to come. That I just needed to be in and of the snow to lower my fever. To shock my senses.



And you know what? Within seconds lifeless me stirred awake. I cried in her arms while she cried against my head. I still went to the hospital and was given antibiotics for what I believe was my first real encounter with Scarlet Fever. But that story remains a winter tale for the ages in my family. And why I believe the snow and I are intertwined for life.

See. The cold and I are wicked good friends.



But that doesn't mean I am still not over December 2010. I would still like to hibernate for a while. Squirrels do it. And so do Bears. Bears! How i would like to curl into a very tight ball and remain there for the duration of December. I'll come up for air, food and entertainment when necessary. I promise.


This month has just taken a huge toll on me. I have a weird case of homesickness combined with a restlessness that keeps me up at night. I didn't get to bed until 3am the other morning (where I watched a marathon of a show called 1 Girl, 5 Gays on Logo. It was actually pretty hilarious). I'm apprehensive about sleep. Because that means waking up. And waking up means worrying about the things that keep me up at night.

I am so ready for 2011. The new year cannot come fast enough. This holiday season is dragging by and I am all kinds of over it. On the list of things I'll ask for this Christmas, a break is one of them. A break from my routine, a break from the worries of money, rent, job, boys and life. A small hibernating break for a few months; just until I am better equipped at dealing with everything.

Is it 2011 Yet?

This December I am feeling extraordinarily stressed. Let me rephrase that. I am feeling extraordinarily stressed, anxious, broke, tired andcranky this December.

I loved being home for Thanksgiving, but the stress from spending all that money to go home is smacking me in the face. I did not get paid for the week that I was gone and now Christmas, rent, student loans are around the corner and I am just not feeling it. At all. My wallet is stretched thin and I wish more than ever that I had a crappy entry level job that pays more than minimum wage.

I have sort of been dragging around the last two weeks in a daze. I applied to five jobs in one day last week and am worrying about money more than I am use to. When I am not feeling broke I feel disconnected from everything and one around me.

Recently a guy whose been at the store for six years was ordered to take personal leave because the managers think he is losing it. I am friendly with said guy, Dave, and was sort of taken aback that he won't be at the store for a while due to this leave. He is often moody at work and doesn't listen to the managers that much. He has a very dry sense of humor with childish tendencies towards gossip.

But to me he is manageable. He does his work, he interacts to people that he likes and he leaves Laffy Taffy on his desk that we are all welcomed to take. And now he is on 'personal leave'. I asked him what this mean when he stopped by this weekend to finish up some Christmas shopping and he said the managers thought needed a break from the job because his behavior was becoming destructive. Whatever that means.

I have felt more crazy than not most days. I am moody and unpredictable. I am shock full of passion and intensity. I think too much and am affected so easily by my environment that it can be infuriating to some. And one of my biggest fears in life is someone telling me that I can't hack it anymore. That my cracks are beginning to bled through and that I may need to take some time off to figure things out.

My biggest fear is not being crazy or strange or weird. I've got that done to a science. My biggest fear is that the parts of me that are neurotic and strange (anxious and spacey) will exclude me from society. That some day some one or some organization will decided to banish me because I have off days every once in awhile. That's what is feels like the did to Dave. And seeing that the last two weeks have not been great for me either I worry that I am losing it akin to an exhaustive breakdown. I just need a break, maybe even a personal one but i'd like to make that decision myself rather than it being imposed on me,

I am managing as best as I am, but some days are worse than others. On Saturday I closed with a bunch of new people who were all getting along and enjoying there time together. I felt distant and alone and when McAbs came to say hi after being at work for five hours I walked away sullenly and told him I wanted to be by myself. Like a cat I crave attention when I am ready to have my belly rubbed but the moment I want to be left alone I could care less if no one is around me.

Kat and Ricky were hamming it up at customer service, the new people were being all new and jovial, McAbs was running around talking to the guys in the music department and I felt abandoned. I felt uninteresting and perhaps that is why I was all by myself. And by the time anyone did realize I was at work, I already felt dejected and second best so I shunned their attention.

I am a curious complex girl. I wonder if I will be like this always.

In other very random news Blue invited me to his New Years Eve party this year. He asked me rather nicely the other day while I was heading into the break room. He said that he knows I don't drink a lot but that he was having a very relaxed party with some friends from school (and employees at Le Sad Store). He is renting a hotel room downtown where the party will be held and that I was completely invited to come: 'you don't even have to drink if you don't want to. you could bring the notebook you are always writing in and everything'.

Though I am very hesitant towards parties and large crowds, I think a social outing will do me some good. Plus Blue is throwing it. Our relationship is very....strange. He is a nice, funny, interesting guy who I hang out with a lot. On Friday we were going to go to a mutual friends house to watch movies and such but when that friend had to cancel plans Blue didn't mind coming to the grocery store with me as I piled my basket with frozen pizza and boxed juice.

We are goofy and dorky around one another and I rarely find myself becoming distant towards him. I am playful and spontaneous (i may have initiated a wrapping paper sword fight in the snow) and he touches my head affectionately, a lot. But I have on idea what we are doing. Like if he does like me when will he admit this and I don't mean in a cryptic 'you have sparkly brown eyes way'. And I'm still trying to figure out how I like him. I mean he is very attractive and easy to talk to. Last weekend he looked dapper and fit in gray slacks and a black sweater. I watched him (oh, embarrassed now) saunter away and got all kinds of blushy and flustered.

But how do i like him? As a very cute friend. Or as this potential something nice. I do not know. But I am going to his New Years Eve party. Definitely. I will not bail and come up with some lame ass excuse.

I won't.

Snow!!!

It's snowing outside and I am uber excited.

That is all.

Ms. Lack of Follow Through

So remember that girl Jenn? The one who planned and executed Nerd Day 2010?



Well don't tell anyone but we are planning on moving into together. Don't worry. I am not moving in with her anytime soon but the thought of getting a place together in the city has crossed our minds more than once.



See, she is graduating from college in May and because she already has a teaching gig in the city she wants to live closer to her job in June. Because I am confident (or hopeful) that by the Spring I will have my own very own job (any job), working in the city and commuting from where I currently live would be a pain. I mean, I could do it but why spent 3.5 hours traveling to a from the city everyday when I can cut traveling cost and time by living closer.



And despite the high cost of living in NYC there are neighborhoods that border the main part of the city that are reasonable. With a roommate I could live in a two bedroom apartment for about 650/month (excluding utilities). And by June, with job in tow, I too would be looking for a place closer to my job. From this, we decided that because we know each other well enough share a space, that we could potentially move into together.



If our (my) plans work out that is.

And in all honesty, despite how lucky I got with my current housing situation, I am excited about potentially moving in with Jenn this summer. She is responsible, smart, and nerdtiffic. She has an awesome library of books, she's an anthropology major and witty as hell. I adore her. She's a close enough friend where I am comfortable sharing an apartment with but not...Marie. Who I love but could not room with.



She is worried though because despite showing an immense interest in moving in with her she has heard from Kat and Josh that I lack 'follow through". That come May she definitely is moving into the city and that she would really like to be roomies with me because among other things 'our library would be awesome'. But in so many words I can tell she was voicing her concerns that I would bail on her.

I of course reminded her that without a financially stable job I wouldn't move all the way to the city to work retail. But that as long as I had a job come Spring, I definitely have every intention of moving into an apartment with her. For serious.

But it is a little discerning to hear that I am known as Ms. Lack of Follow Through because of my...well my lack of follow through. I have no one to blame but myself. I am a loner by trade. I hang out with who I want to when I want to and I rarely make myself do any sort of activity I am not comfortable with. With Jenn or Angie or Cello Girl I was completely present to their friendship. I never bailed. I always wanted to hang out and be around them.

I hate that this is a blip in every one's memories. That before I was friends with them I hung out with Angie and Cello girl every weekend. That I was, with them, a very socially present girl. That I enjoyed our weekends camped out watching movies and baking cupcakes.

That just because I do not hold the same affection for them has nothing to do with my lack of follow through. That just because I do not want to edit Josh's dumb stories or hang out with Kat who flirts with every decent looking guy doesn't mean that I am a girl who lacks...the motivation to act.

I just do not have the same connection with the current people I hang out with. Not because I don't like them but because I am not always sure of their interest in me as a friend. I am not sure of anything.

But it doesn't mean that I am not a follow througher (new word!). It doesn't mean that I am slack ass. It doesn't mean that I am not busting my butt to make things work here, for me. And just because I decide not to hang out with them every time a new bar open doesn't mean...anything.

except when it does.

This has been a very anxious week for me. I am frustrated, tired and broke. Yesterday I applied to 5 jobs hoping that one will call me in the next few weeks. And don't get me started on the writing process. I've attempted to create a writing schedule for myself in order to finish a short story or two. But my mind is very muddled. Writing is the easiest and most difficult thing for me. I've only just started writing short stories 3 years ago and I am finding the format difficult. My wordiness and internalization of feelings rather than description of actions is not translating well to the short story format. And i find myself throwing pens in frustration.

And I now I can't stop hearing Josh and Kat's stupid voice saying that I can't commit to anything as I stare at a very blank word document. I can't help but question if I am actually a person who cannot commit fully to something with bailing rather quickly.

Maybe it's a title I deserve after all.

Not Up to It.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am feeling a little...unfocused these days.

By unfocused, I mean I am so not up for doing much of anything these days. People keep commenting that I look 'tired' and I can't even disagree with me. I am sort of tired, like I've been running a marathon for quite some time now and I just need a break. A tiny one.

I can't even say that I am in a funk. It doesn't feel like one. I am not feeling depressed or even particularly sad. I am a little stressed about money and job related things but I am use to that.

I am just feeling blah. I am not excited about a lot of things lately. I could literally care less about Christmas this year and I am seriously bored by the routine my life has fallen into.

Today I had the day off, and though I promised myself I would send out some applications and try my hand at writing a few pages of my short story, I stayed in bed most of the day trying to take a nap.

But I couldn't even do that. I feel unfocused. So unfocused that even sleep is difficult. I don't know what to do to pick my spirits up. I was thinking about going ice skating and there is this Edward Hopper Exhibit at the Whitney that I was contemplating. But I just don't know.

I need to do something though before this blah does because a funk.

First Impressions are Everything.

So a couple of weeks ago I thought I had an amazing opportunity to reapply to the company that did not hire me back in August. I don't want to re-live the nightmare that was that interview process but for reminders sake let me sum it up in a few sentences:

During my internship with Lenny I travelled, a lot, to this 'amazing' production sales and rental company in the West Village. In August I saw an ad for an opening in their company with the sales department. I applied that day and received a call on my phone a few days later inviting me in for an interview. However, I personally did not receive said voicemail until a week and a half later, after checking my phone for missed messages. I called the HR Manager immediately to apologize and possibly schedule an interview. But I could not reach this chick for another full week and when I did finally reach her she said had no intention of calling me in for an interview because of my 'lack of professionalism'

Some how I managed to convince her to just let me come in anyway. Mistakes happen but my attempts to reach her in those weeks represented my complete interest in working for their company. She sighed. Scheduled me to come in the next day and you can read how that went down here. Despite everything I did to convince them otherwise, I did not get the job. Instead I got a .40 cent rejection letter wishing me luck.

So when I saw another opening at the company in the same department (just a different and lower paying position), I jumped at the opportunity to apply again. It's been 3 months since the disaster that was my first attempt. I've brushed up on my nerdy technology knowledge since then, and maybe the waters have calmed between me and the HR Manager. Plus, the job I applied to and was invited to interview for was a Sales Administrator gig. I don't even know how i got called in for this due to my lack of qualifications. The recent position I applied to a few weeks ago was for a Sales Assistant, a position I felt more qualified for.

But no.

After 3 weeks of sitting around, reading all my dumb camera related, production news web sites the position is no longer available. I didn't even get an interview for the position I was more qualified for. I cannot help but to take this to heart. I cannot help but feel like the misery that was the first interview has ruined my second chance. And to add insult to injury (a phrase I will be using a lot during this job hunt) they've posted another ad for another sales position just last night.

I grew up watching shows where the nerd protagonist (usually male) is obsessed with the hot popular counterpart (usually female) and spends the next ten seasons (or 90 minutes) pursuing the uninterested object of his/her obsession. I cannpt help but feel like the nerdy protagoinst right about now.

Interestingly enough though,towards the end of the season/series the nerd has pursued said romantic interest for so long that eventually she caves in and realizes her love for him after all this time. Maybe that is why I will forever be a heartbroken optimist. Damn the 90's,

Maybe all of those writers from the 90's read Pamela in college too. Because seriously that book is one fucked up mess of a story and if you haven't read it, you should just because it is absurd but continues to influence thematic arcs today. Sorry I just got a nerd revelation regarding the evolution of the Nerd in popular culture. I geeked out there for a moment and most remember to expand on my obsession with nerd culture.

In Pamela, a young servant girl is pursued by her employer Mr. B to the point of maniac obsession. He follows her around, reads her journal, hides in her closet while she is dressing. Bizarre stuff. At first Pamela is frightened by her employers advances. And she should be because Mr. B scores an 8 on the whack job scale. But towards the end of the first part of the novel Mr. B lessens his aggressive pursuit and suddenly Pamela realizes that she is in love with him. That is willing to give her heart to him. Or maybe she is suffering from the first case of Stockholm syndrome. I don't know.

But then you look at shows (and movies) like the Wonder Years, Family Matters, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life, Edward Scissorhands, Freaks and Geeks, Pretty in Pink, which all use this same sad but all too true theme: A nerd (outcast;in various forms) pinning for someone he knows he can't have. And the moment he thinks he has lost her/him for good she realizes her love for him/her in return. It's not always the case but I will spend a couple of days working out the kinks of this argument.

What I am trying to say, in regards to this job, is that when I saw the opening last night I became excited and then pissed. My first reaction was "Oh My God, I should apply to this again" followed by "wait a minute...". I don't want to be Steve Urkel. Or Screech. Or Brian Krakow. Or worse Mr. B! Though in this scenario I feel like I am. I don't want to keep pinning for a love interest that keeps turning me down. While I still think this company is providing an amazing service to the production community, obviously I have been deemed 'unfit' to work for them. And I don't know if continuing to show an interst is well...in my best interest.

I mean when do actions go from dedication to desperation. To apply again this early on just reads desperation and I honestly don't know if I can (nor want to) invest any more energy in this company if I never have a chance.

What would Mr. B say? okay never mind what he would say. It would probably include the phrase 'rummage her while she is asleep that'll do the trick'. I do believe he did this in one scene.

Okay, better yet, what would Steve Urkel advise? Would he suggest to keep trying because eventually Laura will realize that despite the years she spent thinking you a nuisance she has grown to love you. That while the more qualified and attractive Stefan fits her more popular wholesome social mold, good old Steve Urkel has more character and heart than any Stefan Urqulle times two.

That in the end, try until you can't try anymore, unti he hurts too much to attempt, because she'll come around. She'll see the potential in you that you see in her. They always do.

I don't know.

I love being the nerd who pines for the way out of my league counterpart (Hello Brain Krakow. Though with all respect Angela was not out of his league). I love being the underdog. I love being the outcast who doesn't ever really belong. But I refuse to appear desperate, even if that is the case. Especially with this company.

I'm a little frustrated today. I feel stuck and without an exit strategy.

Or worse. I feel utterly resigned.

A Long December

Hello December. How I am so not ready for you. At all.



The last few days have been a blur. On Sunday having spent 15 hours of my life on a train, I crashed into a several long term naps. I had crazy dreams about work followed by bouts of sadness when I woke up, which usually happens after I travel back to New York from South Carolina.



Thanksgiving was amazing. I was only home for four days but I managed to spend enough time with my brother and mom to make up for the short stay. We played Just Dance 2 on the Wii and watched Boardwalk Empire Marathon until late in the night. My mom of course made more food then the three of us could stomach, and I still think there is leftovers somewhere in her fridge.

I spent much of Friday and Saturday lounging and reading The War of Art, which was recommended to me by someone at work. He lent me his worn tattered copy as long as I promised to bring it back from South Carolina. The book is only about 120 pages and is suppose to motivate my creativity (he said). I have a lot to say about this book. Some positive. Some negative. I found myself rolling my eyes more than not. Remind me to write a post about this in the near future. And about Hipsters. They are destroying america.

Since returning to New York I have readjusted to my life again. In the south I don't think I even attempted to wear suitable clothing. I wore my old grandpa pants and college t-shirt and spent most of my time home inside only venturing out at night to look at the stars.

There is always this weird readjustment period after I've been in the south for a while. The days right after I leave the comfort of my house, mom and brother are kind of hard and lonely. Where i have this super strong support system at home, I come back and realize that I am sort of alone physically in New York.


Sure I have friends here and there, but I don't really have anyone to rely on. I come back and I have to make sure that things are secure, safe and comfortable for me. At this stage in the game I am the only player on the court trying to manage everything so things don't fall apart. I am of course thankful for the friends that I have made and the life I created for myself but some days I can't help but wonder if I have made the right decision.

During these readjusting days from vacation, I contemplate my move to New York. I wonder if I have made the right decision in choosing to live here. It's been two years since I graduated college and I wonder if the path I am on is the right one, especially because I often feel stuck at a very long red light. And facebook doesn't help either. Sure most of my 'friends', especially from South Carolina, are married and updating their statuses with 'baby number 2 on the way. my life is great!'. So yeah, I am not envious of them obviously but there are others whose life I can't help but compare myself to. Whose paths 'seem' paved in gold.

And I often wonder if I should have taken that left instead of heading right. If I should have taken another route instead of this one.

Case in Point:

On the train from South Carolina we stopped in Philadelphia for a little while and I was struck by memories of my short stay there. Looking back on it now Philly is like a really attractive, compatible, interesting guy who I never gave a shot to despite the promise and possibility we possessed together. When I applied to college my senior year of high school I choose schools in Philly because I was attracted to the city. From it's history and culture to sense of community and promise of Brotherly Love. The small university I eventually went to set atop rolling hills on the outskirts of Philadelphia and had that little bit of Northern pretentiousness that I like.

The week or so that I was there, before withdrawing from the university due to financial reasons, were not as bad as I made them out to be. But because I was nervous, sullen, scared and 18 I didn't even try to make my life in Philly work. The moment tuition became an issue I saw my opportunity to run away. I didn't even try to come up with a solution.

Everyone was so nice and supportive that week. From my roommates, to RA's, to every other very nervous freshman away from home for the first time in their lives. But I sort of pushed them away. My roommates were worried that I was spending too much time alone. The RA's saw that I was not adjusting well and suggested activities for me to participate in. I was assigned a floor buddy even, so that I wouldn't feel left out. I am okay with admitting now that I was probably that weird roommate no one could relate to. The weird one who people whispered about. The girl the RA's had to keep an extra eye on just in case shit hit the fan. And I wasn't helping with how sullen and distant I was that week.

I did have a small group of friends the first couple of days though, they just lived in another dorm. We met during one of the freshman orientation sessions the first day and hung out for a good while afterwards. The school was so small that the freshman class could be divided into majors for specific orientation related meetings. At a 'Biology Majors" seminar thing, I met a short girl with curly hair who I immediately latched on to out of comfort. We had to sit next to each other during a lecture and she complimented my James Dean bag. We did the weird awkward 'since I don't know anyone and you don't know anyone do you want to hang out' head nod and wandered around clueless together that whole day. She lived in the dorms a few hills away and we bonded more out of convenience than anything else.

She was roomies with a meek girl with glasses who was engaged to a boy who just joined the army. Meek girl was sweet and naive and spent the portion of our time together professing her undying love for said fiance. I found myself hanging out with Megan, I believe that was here name, and her roommate that first week, meeting up in the mornings to have breakfast and such. Megan was nerdy and nice but she wanted to socialize that week. By the third day of our 'friendship' she was already trying to dodge Meek roommate and I. I could tell that having two awkward girls following her around was a little much and she soon began drifting away.

Instead of trying to meet other people, I ingested this first form of rejection as a prelude to what my four years of Philly would look like. I spent the next week hanging out at the library a lot; writing Marie and my mom emails about how much I hated Philadelphia and my university. It's not to say that the situation was the reason I left. It wasn't even close to the reason. But combined with homesickness, private college tuition cost, and general anxieties it was all too much for me. I avoided my roommates the rest of that week and walked around the campus a lot. I spent more time talking to staff members than my peers. I quickly decided then that I wanted to be somewhere else.

But in truth I really liked Philadelphia. I liked the neighborhood and the people and the access to the city. I liked the culture and the exposure to Philadelphia from my tiny small university. I liked the row houses, and the parks nearby. I liked what i wanted out of my life there. And as I was watching all of the passengers get off in Philadelphia I wanted to grab my things and get off there too.

And trust me, I love being in New York. This time around, despite the minutes or hours I contemplate the decision to be here, I am happy with my life. I am still awkward and sullen some days but I have built and continue to build something here that is resembling the stability that I need. Before I headed back here Matt sent me a text message that simply read 'Beckett come home'. Maybe what I really desire most in life is to want and be wanted by the same things. I want New York to want me as much as I want it. I want Blue to want me as much as I want him. I want things to level off and meet eye to eye for once.

And some days I regret not trying to do that in Philadelphia. And though I miss being home some days, I don't want to regret my life here either. So Hello December. Another month to get my life here together. Nice to see you again.

Anyway

I am back to the grind again. I started work immediately on Monday and was thrust into the hell that will be the Holiday season. We have a bunch of new faces at Le Sad Store who will all need to be trained at one point or another. This will be a pain when trying to manage unruly customers and new employees who have no idea what they are doing.

Obviously I am not looking forward to this at all. I don't want to sound like a Grinch but seriously I sort of want December to be over already and it has only just begun. This year I'm asking Santa for a Job and maybe a pretty boy with blue eyes. I don't want anything else. I just want to be able to wake up on the weekend knowing that Monday is just around the corner where I will travel to my okay paying entry level gig. Fingers crossed Santa receives me Christmas list. I've been good this year.

Exhausted.

Thanksgiving week was amazing. My mom made so much food this year that I was sent back to new york with leftovers. A lot of leftovers.

The train ride going to South Carolina was smooth sailings. I sat next to a lady who talked for a while, but other than that the ride was a breeze.

Coming back was a whole different story. There was a crying baby in front of me, I sat next to a guy who hummed, farted and snored the whole way, and the traffic in New York was crazy.

I got home a little over four hours ago but I am wiped out. Luckily I am not on the schedule today so I won't have to encounter retail hell until tomorrow afternoon.

But I think I am going to call it a night. Tomorrow I'll deal with unpacking, work and other such real life responsibilities. Tonight it's all about sleeping.

"Lady You Can Suck It! No, Not You. You!"

My internal dialogues at work worry me.

I feel like any posts about work this year will consist of me complaining about customers (and some employees). Maybe it's just my family, but we were never irritating holiday shoppers. Then again my mom never took my brother and I shopping with her during the holidays but I will bet money on it.

Now I love the holidays like the next person but I am so over the commercialization of it. And what's so weird is I'm not even that person. That person who complains that the celebration of Christmas has lost it's values. I know the holidays are about the gift giving, receiving and spending time with the family. But by in large it's kind of just one big holiday where we convince ourselves that splurging on gifts is okay because of Santa Claus and stuff. I am perfectly okay with this.

But when you work in retail you heart can harden when it comes to the whole holiday spirit thing. I don't know why people think they can act like complete assholes because Xmas is around the corner, but they do. And worse they take it out on the poor people working retail. It's like the law of man or something.

Soon after Halloween the store started to pick up with holiday shoppers. Usually the weekends at Le Sad Store are pretty busy but the last few weeks have been crazy. Today was no different, except that we all (all) had to have a mandatory holiday meeting that lasted from 8am to 10am. Our rather dismal crew converged in the cafe after consuming free doughnuts and fruit to listen to the managers praise, using that term loosely, our hard work and dedication. This was followed by a mandatory store tour where each manager (as we were split up into 5 groups that rotated from different managers in different departments) reiterated store procedures, policies and tips for the next few weeks.

We were all too tired to care really. Some people had to close last night and then show up for work at 8. They were the least functioning of us all this morning. The rest, were just pissed at having to come in that early for a meeting we could have done another day and time. I too was a little annoyed by the two hour mandatory meeting. I could have been on a train right now to South Carolina had the importance of this meeting not been drilled into my head. But I was forced to go, and also change my ticket reservation for tomorrow.

I unfortunately got stuck in a group with this chick named Joanne who wouldn't making suggestions during the 'tour'. Joanne is in her late 60's and started working at Le Sad Store part time on and off for 6 years. Up until 3 months ago she was living in Florida, having relocating there after her mom died. But she didn't like Florida. Not at all. And she doesn't mind telling you why she didn't like Florida if you stick around long enough for her to get a word out. Sometimes I like Joanne. She is completely nuts and sometimes I think she is starting to go senile. But the constant complaints can drive even the most sane person nuts.

During the tour she'd interject, when it was not necessary, to talk about things that have annoyed her since her return to the store. Like 'back when we started here, you couldn't just leave a crooked book laying around. it's not that hard to straighten something if it's off' or 'the people in cafe need to be a bit more tidy up there. I hate having to straighten things out up there because you guys don't".

We already had to sit through a 45 minute presentation from the managers, having to listen to her was all too much for my ears. I wanted to clock her. I might have thought about it several times during the tour. Especially as we were heading to the children's department and she spotted a book on a promo table that wasn't suppose to be here "see this is what I am talking about" she exclaimed, drawing our attention to the book and her frustrated face "we need to get this together people"

Her shift started a couple of hours after the store opened and her nonstop complaints began immediately. It's bad enough having to deal with customers who give you clues to a book that consists of 'it's blue and the word 'I' is in the title' but having to deal with infuriating employees is worse. You can't escape them as easily.

So yes, I may have thought really horrible thoughts today. Many of them about slapping too busy to be bothered with our 'slow' service customers to old employees who are losing their minds but somehow still work at a bookstore to pester a usually patient nice girl whose name starts with a B.

Luckily for the next 5 days I will not have to put up with Le Sad Store. Tomorrow I am heading home and I couldn't be happier. I am almost all packed up for my busy traveling day tomorrow. I always bring to many books home with me but for some reason I feel is it necessary to have a book of every genre to occupy my time on the train . I just finished reading Boys and Girls, Like You and Me, a collection of short stories that were cringe worthy and delightful and am bringing it along for the ride to thumb through again. I also have Kick Me, written by the Freaks and Geeks guy and Sunshine, a vampire novel that apparently lacks romance.

I usually end up bringing too much with me but for a 15 hour train ride you can never really bring too much. I'll have my cool Internet usb modem so that I can go online and watch hulu or netflix when my eyes get too tired from reading. Or possibly post something if the person I sit next to doesn't stare over at my screen. We'll see. I am just glad to have a few days away for awhile.

I look forward to being home with my family again. By day 2 I might think otherwise but for now it brings me comfort.

Seriously?!

In less than 48 Hours I will be on a train to South Carolina. Where the hell is fall going? Where the hell are the days going? How is Thanksgiving only a few days away?



I am excited about going home. Turkey Day is my favorite holiday but damn it all to hell if this year Thanksgiving didn't sneak up on me. I haven't even started packing and after a 8 hour shift I have to go to bed early so that I can wake up tomorrow and attend a very dumb mandatory holiday meeting at Le Sad Store. A Holiday Meeting?



Apparently they hold them every year. The managers will talk about the Holiday Season and procedures. They'll then run through all the promos, changeovers and yadda yadda yadda that are currently or will currently go on this year.



I've managed to miss this dumb meeting in the past but not this year. If we don't go we will get written up and knowing Evil Manager she will not only write you up but make a big deal of it in the future. So I, along with everyone else will be there bright and early tomorrow.



yay!



Afterwards I will have to start and finish packing/cleaning my room. I don't want to have to freak out come Monday morning because I still have a very messy room to clean and clothes to pack before my train leaves.



It's so weird that last year around this time I had just found a place for myself to live because my aunt kicked me out. I'd finished a pretty brutal interships at a publishing house and was embarking on new ventures. When I got back from vacation everything sort of fell into place. New home, new internship (that lasted a day. sorry), and the start of my new life in New York paying rent and trying to figure shit out.

I kind of hope that when I get back the same thing will happen. That the short break from my life here will open some new opportunities when i get back. On the job, boy and general happiness front. The last few weeks (sigh. months) have been hectic and crazy and...unpredictable. But I like living in New York and I think i really want to stay here. I just need things to sort of fall in place for once, so I can make that happen.

Fingers Crossed.

Anyway. Time to pack, clean and then sleep. The next few days are going to be a little busy but i'll try to post when I can.

~Becks

The High Road.

Today is the last day of my weird three day vacation. Due to scheduling conflicts (Evil Manager needs me to start working on Thursdays) I was schedule to work only four days this week. Because I usually have Tuesday and Thursdays off my three days ran back to back this week and it has been pretty great. I needed the rest.

On Monday I had a colossal breakdown. I was watching the trailer for a movie called Rabbit Hole, a film about a young couple dealing with the death of their toddler son, and I lost it. I can't describe it any other way.

I am struck by this grieving process. It just doesn't end. Some days I am totally okay. I can say his name. See his face. And remember the touch of his little baby feet without any problems. And other days, I can't without breaking out into hysterics. That is what happened on Monday. I came across the trailer again (I saw it a while back and made a mental note to watch it when it came out in theaters) but as soon as The High Road by Broken Bell starts playing, I am beside myself with grief.

I cried to the point of wanting to throw up. I cried to the point of yelling into my pillow. And by the time I made it to work, I was exhausted by my grief. I was exhausted, and angry and sad.

The movie is based on a play by the same name, and from thumbing through it at work, the movie follows the script exactly. Becca and Howie are dealing with the accidental death (and subsequent grief) of their four year old son Danny (of all names) very differently. Becca appears cold and indifferent, quickly removing items of Danny's life from their home. Howie is struggling to preserve every memory of Danny, and grieves alone by himself. Together their grief leads them down very different paths, threatening to distill their marriage and life.

It's been two years but the grief over my own Danny's death opens up like a fresh wound so easily, I wonder how me and my family made it through the few days after he died. I don't remember crying (hell, I even made a few posts afterwards). I remember having to make sure my brother was okay and that my mom was okay. I remember being asked to write something nice on his funeral page.

I remember being disconnected, like things were happening around me but not to me. I remember having to be strong because everyone and thing around me was soooo quiet. I mostly remember my mom crying, especially when it came time to delete his photo from the screensaver. It was too hard for her to get on the computer with his face staring back at her. She asked me quietly to do it for her, because she couldn't bring herself to. And with a click, he was gone.

With a click.

And then I was gone. It was a few weeks before graduation and we had to pull it together well enough to get me across the stage and finally to board the train to new york. July 2008 seems like a huge blur, re-reading the posts from them is so weird. I sound so disconnected and aloof, as if a pet bird died instead of my nephew. I am angry at myself because of this. Sometimes I am angry that I didn't stay with my family for a few more months, instead of moving up here a month after he died.

I am not an angry person. It is am emotion that I rarely have. But I feel caught in the middle of the several stages of grief. I am beyond bargaining. I am just mad and angry that we will forever have to go on without him here. That we were given a sneak peak at his life only to have it taken away.

So of course on Monday, having watched the trailer for this movie, feelings of sadness, anger and disbelief washed over me. It was if suddenly I'd been pulled away the currents by grief . Not that it is ever really gone but that day it was...overwhelming. Marie thinks the grief will always feel worse around the holidays. And she is right. It will.

But it also has to do with something I have not talked about on this blog. My brother has been dating a girl for about a year and a half now and they are expecting a baby this spring. I know my responsible, safe sex having brother. His girlfriend is uber nice, I met her this summer and she played Rock Band with Morgan and I. We are facebook friendly and she checks on me from time to time just to say hey.

And now she is pregnant, with a baby and I am...scared. I am excited for her and my brother and my mom. But I am scared. I am already losing concrete senses of Danny, and now there is a new baby coming. A boy who they have decided to name Elliot.

Outside of pictures and videos, the particulars of Danny are fading away due to time and his absence. He would have been three this year. He would have developed a personality; including a particular laugh, smile, manner of speech. But because he is no longer here, those things that would have created a firmer impression of him, for me, don't exist. And all i have are these fleeting memories of baby stares and sleep face.

And I am afraid of forgetting him. He will always be my first nephew. He will always be the one who got away. And I don't want to feel like he is being replaced. I don't want to feel like he is being erased by my dumb hands clicking him away.

And though everything else this week has been amazing, the grief has sort of over shadowed that and put me in a weird place. I feel bare and scrubbed down to the soft fleshy part of the skin that doesn't react well to direct sunlight or air. And I plan on seeing Rabbit Hole and buying the play because I am still grieving and struggling to understand his death. I still in a weird way struggling to understand our lives sense it.