Going Through the Motions.

Apparently my weekend was so awesome it has caused me to be MIA for a little bit. Sorry. I am suffering from a bad case of lethargy these days, and the weekend away from Le Sad Store has only added to this.

It's a brutal mix of 'I know I should be doing something but I'm really not feeling up to it'. While I celebrated the beginning of the month with a band (birthday, new job prospect, fire in my belly) and I am ending it on a much somber note (impending snow storm, more Le Sad Store bs, nervous belly).

I guess that march "comes in like a lion out like a lamb' phrase not only applies to the weather. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's ennui (a word I like a lot). Maybe it's my want for things to be so much better than they are now but inability to make it so. Nonetheless I am restless, out of sorts of just going through the motions these days.

I think the weekend has something to do it. My two days of complete solitude were amazing. I lounged and danced and wished beyond hope that I could have more weekends where I am not at Le Sad Store. I venture outside of Saturday to collect some food from the grocery store. I may not know how to shop for clothes or shoes but when it comes to food and books (and music) I am awesome. It's as simple as that.

I headed to the supermarket extra early and bought fresh fruits and granola. I also picked up pretzels for my mason jar project. When I got home, I cleaned my very disgusting room and spent the rest of my day dancing uncontrollably and singing rather loudly.

When Sunday rolled around I had no plans outside of reading and listening to an album from the first track to the last. I have a tendency of buying only singles and the bulk of the albums on my itunes playlist are incomplete. So I spent Sunday listening to my archives. Coldplay's Parachute, Edie Brickell Shooting Rubberbands and Beach House Teen Dream.

When Sunday night came to a close I fought sleep. And not because the weekend was ending, I am use to that. But because I won't have another one until a) I get a new job or b) request another one off until I get a new job. I fear I won't have another weekend like that for a very longn time and there is something very upsetting about that.

When I finally succumb to sleep and Monday rolled around the cycle of worrying about things that I need to be worrying about began. So yeah, I've been a little out of it these days. I feel wayward and generally disinterested in things. And not in a depressive sort of way. I know they share similar characteristics but this is just general lack of focus and motivation this week.

I'm hoping my few plans for the weekend (two very different parties, one that I am definitely attending that other I will decide tomorrow night) will put me in a better and more active mood. And yeah, I definitely want and need to write more. I hate feeling sluggish. I hate not having the 'you can do it' fire in my belly. But after the awesomeness that was the month of March I can understand why my energy has been a little lately. It'll perk back up soon. I promise.

~Becks

Oh, and there is a dating debate going around that has me all sorts of confused lately. Apparently Dating is dead according to USA Today and Blue suggested that it's because the girls you want to date are in relationships and the ones who are available are single for a reason. WTF? This is a very guy centric view that is both grating and unnerving. I keep hearing that song by Dean Martin "You're Nobody Til' Somebody Loves You" which seems to suggest Blue's thought process but I don't think dating is dead. And single girls are not single because they aren't worthy of being with someone. Oh Blue, you have so much to learn.

I'll write more about this tomorrow.

Cheers to the Weekend.

I can't believe I really have Saturday and Sunday off. I keep checking the time to make sure I am not late for work or some other nonsense only to realize that for the next two days I do not have to worry about being anywhere but home. It's the greatest feeling in the whole entire world.



I had quite the panic attack yesterday which made me even more ready for a few days to myself. Anyone dealing with any sort of anxiety is aware that panic attacks come with the package. My panic attacks have been less frequent since college. I haven't hid in any bathrooms to escape crowds in a very long time. You might not think this is huge but for me it is.



This doesn't mean that I don't suffer from a panic attack every now and then. I mean I am still very socially anxious. Large crowds turn my stomach into jelly and I have this unfounded endless thought that I am not interesting around other people.I often feel threatened when I am in a group of more than five people because I don't think I am interesting enough to hold anyone's attention. Like if we were on a desert island that for some reason could only sustain four people I would be booted off first because I have nothing to offer, not even great conversation.



It's illogical thinking. I know this. I do. But my brain doesn't. While social anxiety, for me, has a lot to do with my discomfort in large crowds it has more to do with my inability to separate myself from the constant thoughts that people are judging me. I have obsessive thoughts about perceptions (damn you high school) and that the person I think I am is not the person coming across to the people I am around. That that person is a lame awkward duck.



I am trying to bring some congruency to my life. I am trying to merge the two me's together into one whole congruent person. But it's hard. Especially because congruency often times means not over thinking things (which I do a lot), loosening up the reigns (but i adore control) and remembering how to breathe (but how do you do so underwater).



So having a panic attack yesterday (at work have you) felt like some huge setback. It was as crowded as crowded could be in Le Sad Store. On Fridays it's as if people got out of work early just to terrorize the store. While I like working in the kids department the amount of parents letting their children destroy the department was overwhelming. As a person who loves control, yesterday felt chaotic.



Trying to maintain a clean store was thrown out the window when parents from hell came in to the store with their evil spawn. They destroyed the place in a matter of hours. While the moms and dads drank their lattes and discussed plans for the summer, their babies went ape shit. They ran all over the place, throwing books on the floor, screaming, destroying merchandise. I went over to the area where they all were sitting and start cleaning up in hopes that this would inspire the parents to start picking up after their children. But no. They sort of looked at me as if I were hired helped and went about their business.



I felt so powerless. So powerless I was overcome with pangs of anxious thoughts. I felt a surge of jittery jitterness. Compounded with rapid thoughts that I'd lost control of the situation. I left the department for air, came back and felt myself tearing up. For the first time in a long time I wanted to hide in the bathroom. But the bathroom was full. So I went in the 'employee only' hallway. My chest felt tight. My palms were sweaty. And I could think only of my inability to assert myself better in the situation.



I was having an attack. An all too familiar one. Anxiety will always have a hold of me? Won't she.



I called the manager just as I was near tears hoping someone could explain to me why 'we' are not allowed to tell customers they can't let their kids play in the store like animals. Our new manager Dan picked up, trying to calm me down over the phone. I apologized profusely for the department being a mess but that being unable to approach customers anymore (a dumb ass policy) in regards to disruptions in the store isn't effective, especially in the kids department where this would be useful.

He first told me to breathe followed by reassurances that it was not the end of the world (shit happens, people are animals, you leave in what '10 minutes'? Do youre best and enjoy your weekend from the crazy place kid). Oh and 'breathe beckett'. I calmed down some, hung up the phone, wrote the closing kids department person a note explaining the mess and ran out of work faster than I have ever.


The whole experience left me depleted. Or more correctly 'beat to shit'. Chaos that is not my own destroys me. I have a small sliver of control in the kids department when there aren't a billion fucking people destroying it. But alas, that was not the case and I will never completely understand people's lack of consideration. I am always (to a fault) so conscious of other people I couldn't imagine not having empathy for someone yet alone create a mess and not take care of it.

And for some reason the more I encounter these situations which remind me that people are assholes, the more my idea that people are amazing diminishes. The more it sort of feeds into my already anxious, black and white, illogical thoughts about myself.

And still having to deal with panic attacks because of shit like this only makes it worse.


So yeah, I am very excited about having the next two days to myself. I won't mind not being around people for a while. I bought a bunch of mason-isque jars the other day because I want to fill them with edible goodies. And it is a way for me to add color to my room using food. Outside of cleaning my very junky room, I will go shopping for almonds, cranberries and granola mainly because I like all of those things and they will look great in glass jars.

I'm such a nerd.

Good Grief March.

That last two days I have woken up to the sight of snow outside. What the hell march, I thought the saying was in like a 'lion out like a lamb' not 'in like a lion out like the terrain where polar bears roam'. It's kind of bizarre

The last few days have been a little hectic. Angie was suppose to come up this weekend for round two of our Nerd Day in the City Extravaganza. But, I wasn't really feeling the idea of having her in my space for a few days. The last time she came up we generally had a really good time. But she complained about her current situation (suckass job, suckass relationship, suckass everything) the whole weekend. While I am a fan of bitching there comes a certain point where you have to man up or stop talking about how crappy everyhing is. Especially to me.

I am pretty much in the same boat she is. This is why we bonded so easily when she started working at Le Sad Store. Angie is funny and intelligent and a really cool girl to know. I sometimes wish we would have gotten an apartment together instead of her moving back to the Midwest before she eventually setting in DC.


But lately I've come to the realization that our friendships hangs on the similarities of our very desperate situation (a need for a new job + more money). But where Angie is wallowing in anxiety I am actually succeeding in the optimism department. Despite this latest rejection I have a strong felling that I am weeks away from a new job. Somewhere.

I can't explain it. I just feel as if things are finally falling into place. I love living in New York, I love being surrounded by beautiful things to discover (and take pictures of). Sure money is a huge concern for me, sure I will have to find a way to balance a social life with my passionate pursuits to write and enjoy solitude. But I know I can do it.


So sometimes, it can be quite the downer talking to Angie when all she wants to discuss are the pains of life. And she keeps saying things like "I don't know how you do what you do in New York' without a well paying job'. Yeah. Thanks. That makes me feel all sorts of great.

My therapist once said that I have a tendenacy of not being in the moment. That my constant need to prepare for things often means I am not just enjoying 'right now'. It's true. I am always a million steps ahead (mentally) with plans for the future. I spend a lot of time imagining what my life 5 years from now will look like that I am not present to my life now. It often makes me very nostaglic for things I missed out on.

The present is hectic and shaky. Sometimes it sucks hard and more than every I feel like I am the struggling artist I never want to be. But I want to look back on these days with fondness not with a sense that I missed out on my 20's. And I sure as hell don't want to spend the bulk of it complaining about what I don't have.

So I cancelled plans with Angie, because I knew that is what we would have spent the whole week doing. She even said this. We can talk about 'how horrible things are'. No thank you. Instead will have the weekend all to myself. Enjoying some down time and finishing up some projects around the house. I've had to take on more days this week though to compensate for my weekend off, so i've had a lot less me time to sit, write and reflect. My apologies.

But it will be worth it. I haven't had a proper weekend off since college. I am very excited. I wanted to see Jane Eyre this weekend in the city but decided against that because it will cost me more to get to the city than the cost of admission to see the movie. Instead I will stay close to home. While I am not all for spring cleaning, I do want to perk up my room especially since the sun (wherever you are) is about these days. My room is awesome. Hardwood floors, old school, windows with lace curtains and built in shelves to store my hoards of books.

Unfortunately I am bit of a mess. The room is chaotic and in serious need of some TLC. While I can't go all out and decorate as I would like to, I want to buy a few items to welcome in the spring. I'm just in the mood for some sort of subtle newness. Nothing major but something to add to the mix, something that will brighten up the space. Maybe i'll buy a plant.


I've also been cooking up a storm these days especially in the mornings when I have the house to myself. I may be the only human being who loves cooking for one, but so be it. I made a delicious Parmesan noodle dish the other day that still has my stomach growling in happiness. I made it while wearing a new dress and slippers I bought from H&M (thanks K!) and and minutes away from venturing to the kitchen again to cook up something else.


Things are good. Things are better. And when this snow finally melts it'll feel like spring here with all of it's beautiful and subtle newness. I have the urge to come up with spring activities that will get me out of the house and into the fresh air. For once, I am actually looking forward to it.



~Becks.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Dear Beckett,

Thank you so much for your patience while we finished up our interview process. You've achieved so much thus far, and your resume is exceptional. It was an extremely hard decision to make, but we ended up going in another direction. We greatly enjoyed meeting with you and truly wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Waxman Literary Agency.

...seriously after all this i'm sort of glad i didn't get it. Get up, brush myself off, the search still continues.

Social Butterfly.

I have been a very busy little lady these days.

I wish I could contribute my sudden flurry of activity to my awesome new job! But that has not been the case. In fact I don't think I got the job at the literary agency.

A couple of days ago, because I continue to search for a job despite this recent interview, I stumbled across a re posting of the position i interviewed for on the interweb. On the same damn website I saw it on two weeks ago. No lie.

Last Thursday the post was removed, which gave me hope that my interview was a successful. That lady luck was finally on my side and Possible New Boss was so impressed by my awesomeness that no more candidates needed to be interviewed for the position.

But on Monday, I came across the re posting of the job opening. Same description, same contact information, same agency. Needless to say my frustration level hit an all time high.

Marie has been really supportive lately, reminding me that maybe the company just wants to shop around some more before hiring someone immediately. This is true. I mean hiring someone is not as easy as liking them. You have to be sure they can do the job well and to be honest I wouldn't want to work for a place that wasn't a 100% sure of my competency (funny coming from a girl who just a week ago was freaking out about my competency). But the fact that they are still shopping around means that they are not sure about me or the other candidates who interviewed for the position. That while I may have been awesome I am not a shoe in.

So while I have not received a rejection letter or email I don' think i will be the new assistant at with this agency. That also means that I too am still on the market for a new job. Damn. I've applied to three jobs this week and hope to hear something back soon. I don't want to wallow too much in this latest stumble, the big D is a terrible thing.

In the meantime though I have been trying to have more of a social life than I do now. It is both distracting me from the stress that is job hunting and lifting my spirits more than i could have imagined. On Monday I hung out with a friend from work where we lamented about the urgency for which we need a better job that pays more. On Tuesday my aunt took me out for a birthday lunch (two weeks a little late but whatever) where we ate fondue and cheesecake. And today i hung out with a friend from my childhood who I have not seen in 15 years. It was surreal.

Back when I was a sophomore in college, a pre-med major and living a floor down from Art Boy I received a facebook email from a girl I knew in Elementary school. She was literally my first school and real life friend. On the first day of kindergarten she was playing with the building blocks all by herself. I walked up to her, asked her if I could play too and from there she was my best friend.

When I conjure up my memories of childhood she makes up a huge chunk of those days. She was an awesome first friend, with bright red hair and freckles. We were like sisters. Her parents took us to movies and dinner and I spent countless weekends at her house. I remember never wanting to leave her house, not because I disliked my home life so much, but because her family welcomed me into theirs as if I were a part of the clan.

When I moved to a new town in the 3rd grade our friendship did not survive the transition. Not because I didn't want to be her friend anymore but because when you're young you don't have a concept of staying in touch. Your friends are your friends because they are people you are always around. Not necessarily because you realize you enjoy being around them. But as time has passed, I realize she was truly a pivotal person in me being a happy, well rounded kid. She was the person I got along with more than others. And our friendship has been the basis of what I want from people now.

As soon as I moved up here, I've often thought of reconnecting with her. I mean being someones friend on facebook and interacting with them on a daily basis can be quite different. A lot of my 'friends' from childhood have become people I would not hang out outside of social networking sites. While their faces are familiar the lives they live are so distant from mine we are worse off than strangers.

But she and I have kept in touch since first reconnecting over the web. We have made attempts to hang out together and meet up since I moved up here a few years ago. And finally after 15 years we did so today. And while it was quite nerve racking in the beginning, 'what do you say to someone you haven't seen in 15 years', we had an amazing time. We got some drinks at Starbucks and then went to a diner to grab lunch.

We have a lot in common along with distinct experiences that give us character. We found it easy to pick up right where we left off from and we both found common ground in our general excitement at reconnecting. She is quirky and real and hella funny and I like that we both admitted our nervousness.

It was weird sitting across from the person you only have childhood memories of. I have spent the better part of my 'adult' life reminiscing about my childhood. When i moved to south carolina I spent more time wondering what my life would have been like if we would have stayed.

But She did not have the ideal Middle School and High School experience I spent hours conjuring up during my darkest days in the south. High School was awful she had little to no friends and suffers from depression and anxiety. I regret now that I didn't enjoy my high school experience more because of my illogical assumptions. That my life would have been better in some way. But to hear her experience some of the same things I did in a place that I put on such a pedestal was...difficult. Good to hear but difficult.

We spent the rest of our day walking around and talking. We kept doing the 'what do you feel about____" game. We discussed everything from the Godfather to Nickleback. I now have to read Harry Potter and she is going to check out Doctor Who. I had so much fun I thought I'd imagined it all when I finally got home.

I'm happy to finally have a friend outside of work. Even if the friend is someone I've technically already been friends with. But in all honesty it's a little stressful only having my co-workers to hang out with especially when they are the only people I know in this town. Reconnecting with her feels right. Like whatever friendship comes of this will only be stronger because of our shared past yet different upbringing. We are planning more outings in the near future which I am generally looking forward to. She has a huge sweet tooth and knows a lot more about the city than I do.

I am now of course exhausted due to my week of activities. I plan on washing clothes tomorrow and reading Jane Eyre because I really want to see the movie. For some reason I keep getting Charlotte Bronte and Jane Austen all kinds of mixed up but Jane Eyre looks really amazing and I am a person who can't watch the movie unless I have read the book first. It's like the law.

So far I am not turned off by the book (which often happens when I even crack open an Austen book) and think I may be able to finish the lengthy thing by the end of the week. Angie was suppose to come down next weekend but I really don't have the money (or energy) to entertain anyone. So I asked her if we could reschedule, in April maybe when I have my shit together. She said it was cool which means I now have a weekend to myself because I requested those two days off weeks in advance.

Because Jane Eyre is playing only in select theaters I was thinking that I could go down to the city that weekend and see it. I want to grab breakfast first at the cafe I'm obsessed with and then watch Jane fall in love with Mr. Rochester (I think that's his name) at the theater near by.

I'd like a day to myself again. And I only feel a tab bit horrible for ditching plans with Angie in favor of hanging out by myself. Not that I haven't enjoyed these new social excursions but a day to myself would be nice.

Seriously.

Doubt Comes In.

So last night I had quite the panic attack.


A major, almost colossal breakdown of epic proportions.


The interview has been replaying in my mind a lot these days. Like a movie that I can't get out of my head. Like a scene that I have memorized line by line and camera angle by camera angle. Or worse like a song whose lyrics I am so caught up on, I sing it as much as I can until I get it right. Nope, I'm the only one who does that. Alrighty then.





While I am often times my own worst enemy (and critic) this meltdown had less to do with my feelings towards the interview itself. I did a good job. The moment I stepped out of the office into the barren hallway I felt like I had done my best.



I breathed a low sigh before getting into the elevator and changing out of my heels. I exited the building into the cool crisp air of a moody march morning and went in search of French Toast. I did my best, as I always do. I was honest and charming, which I can turn on when I need to.



The epic colossal breakdown of epic proportions which occurred had more to do with my worries of doing the job should i get it. The reality of actually getting this job is as terrifying as it is exciting. Towards the beginning of the interview my PNB (potential new boss) asked why I wanted to leave Le Sad Store especially since I've been there for two years. He actually said 'you seem to enjoy your current position, why are choosing to leave instead of making a long term opportunity out of it'.



My heart sort of sank. The suggestion that I would want to stay at Le Sad Store threw me off guard because it was the first thing he said to me. I had prepared for the 'tell me a little about yourself' question not this. I paused for a moment, because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. Sure, I appreciate my time at Le Sad Store. I really do. Even when it sucks I know that the things I have endured there has only made me stronger.



But being a lifelong bookseller is not my dream. It's actually a fear of mine. The fact that I have been there so long while other people have come and gone causes me great concern and sometimes sadness.



The other day my old friend Cello Girl walked by the store just as I was going in. She didn't see me and I barely recognized her because she look so different. So much more happier and stable. She was probably heading to her teaching gig in a town nearby and I was struck by how professional she looked. Professional and happy.



In fact when people who use to work at the store come by they always look a million times happier. And that's when or if they choose to stop by at all. Most of the times people who leave Le Sad Store leave permanently sometimes without even a 'we'll keep in touch'.



I am not surprised by this. While Le Sad Store is a fun place to work on the surface the crappy pay and slackerish responsibilities is soul crunching. The stress there has more to do with feelings of working a crappy retail job than anything else.



I could have said hi to Cello Girl. I could have called out her name and asked what was going on in her life. But I couldn't because outside of my great job interview i didn't feel like explaining my current situation. That while things are looking up I am still at the bookstore until I hear something back from PNJ. Wasn't really feeling that conversation at all.



My current job at the bookstore is so far from professional it hurts. Everyone who works there wants to be somewhere else. They are slackers (including myself to some degree) who simply needs a job to support their hobbies. Our new Assistant Manager is in a Band, 5 people (excluding myself) want to be writers, 3 people want to be graphic designers, Guy in music works at Le Sad store only for health care but has a career drawing graphic novels. We pair slacks or corduroy's with flannel shirts or covered rock tee's in order to present a level of professionalism. But even then it is a farce because we all bring jeans to change into once we clock out.

The bulk of us work there because the hours are flexible enough for pursue other things. Honestly, it's the only benefit of the job. And the thought of having professional job with normal hours and responsibilities is....scary.

Until now my idea of the professional world has been akin to my days of playing 'house' as a kid. We use to play 'house' at the neighborhood park. We'd pretend to be adults on the jungle gyms we imagined were million dollars mansions. We'd choose right from the start who would be the parents, the teenagers and other such real world characters we'd only interacted with from a distance.

The 'adults' in our play world always carried briefcases and talked really fast. They discussed the news over coffee and cigarettes; imaginary fine paper we rolled up and pinched between our fingers. We'd wake up in our imaginary mornings on the hard wood platform of the jungle gym and put on our imaginary business garb set out to conquer the world.



Being a professional adult was full of 'meetings' where we'd trade candy and discuss playground gossip. We'd prance around all important-like until the 'work day' had ended and we could return to our fake constructed houses.



Of course that is very different from the real professional world I will enter into soon enough. And good god I am a little overwhelmed by this. My level of responsibility will go from zero to 100 as soon as 'you're hired' has been said. And the last few days I have been contemplating how ready I am for this. I mean really ready. If I am even ready at all.



I want a full time job. I do. I do. I want an entry level position where I can a) make more money and b) gain some new skills. But the other night I was terrified of my ability or rather inability to do so. What happens if I can't do it? What happens if it is all too much?



What happens if I am not the person described on my resume? What happens if I can't do half the shit that this job entails. Detail oriented, organized and a great multi-tasker? During the interview he went over some of the things the assistant will do. At the time I nodded and smiled and described my command of all of those things and/or ease with which I could easily learn them.

But the moment I got home I was struck by how much harder those responsibilities are to what I currently do. I mean right now I am sitting in polka dot pajama pants in the middle of the day because I can. Because I have no other place to be. How will I adjust to 9-5, Monday thru Friday work week?

Holy Shit!



I am trying to reel myself back to shore. I am trying. I know I am capable and talented and that I can do anything. But the ever present sense of doubt has crept in and I have spent much of me week trying to remind myself that I can be more than just a girl working at the bookstore.

It has been a lot harder than I expected though.

....And Then I Bought French Toast

So the job interview was yesterday.

It went well. I mean I answered truthfully and earnestly and gave my all. But post interview thoughts always seem to linger.

Towards the beginning of the interview the literary agent commented on two things. That a) i have extensive sales experience and b) why am i choosing to leave Le Sad Store instead of, perhaps, making a career out of it.

24 hours and a sleepless night later, I am still not sure why these two questions bother me. I don't know if he was trying to catch me off guard to invoke a negative response about my feelings toward Le Sad Store. Interesting tactic but I can see why he would do so

I didn't of course. I said something along the lines of 'a career in sales has not be an interest of mine because of my overall passion for finding new writers and the stories they have to tell' and 'while Le Sad Store continues to be a learning experience, it is time for me to utilize what I have learned there along with my previous two internships in an environment more tailored to my professional goals".

He was impressed with this answer and then admitted that he too had worked at a Le Sad Store after graduating college. That while he was there no longer than a year what he learned there was a benefit and my time there has been one two evident by my knowledge of the market and interest in stories from many genres.

The rest of the interview went along well. I talked about my love of engaging stories and desire to play a part in developing new time while maintaining existing relationships with the clients now represented there.

I left the interview feeling that I did my best. And at this point I am grateful for that. I am not sure what the next steps in the interviewing process will be. The position is for immediate hire so I may or may not hear something back in a matter of days.

I of course was exhausted from the time spent talking about myself. The night before I promised myself that if I did a great job on my interview I would grab brunch for myself at a cafe I have been eyeing for weeks via their website.

So yeah, minutes after potentially scoring the entry level job of my 'need to make enough money to live in new york' dreams with a pretty cool literary agency, I made a bee-line for french toast. And hopefully, as it is only a block away from the agency, I can make a habit of going there on lunch breaks.

Hopefully.

Beckett

First Week of my 25th!

....And little ol' me has a job interview. OMG!

Tomorrow I will be on a train back to NYC to interview for a gig at a literary agency ( i know, i know it's publishing but a full time job folks!). One week after my super awesome birthday extravaganza, that I have yet to write about, I will try to get a job with a top agency in the city.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm excited and nervous and on the verge of barfing from sheer...excitement. I'm not sure how it will go, I'm not much on scripting what I will say but I think I may have a shot here. They are hiring immediately and I am all on board of transitioning into an entry level job after 3 years of retail work.

Uh, there goes the queasy feeling in my stomach again.

Fingers crossed for me.

I will need it.

~Becks

The Cloisters.

I wish I had a better way to put these up. I may have to get a flickr account started. Simply because there are too many pictures to post. But here are some of my favorites from the cloisters.

This place is as stunning and amazing as I thought it was going to be and I am glad that I didn't miss out of the excursion.

Despite the lack of 'garden-y' plants, flowers and fruits, the medieval art and architecture blew me away.

I am literally in love with this place. And I almost asked for an application on my way out.

More pics to come and naturally a better post. Still catching up on life after the best. birthday week. ever.

Work In Progress.

The last few days have been amazing and as the week comes to a close I am working on making it one of the best weeks ever. Seriously.




I wish I could write more but I have had the longest shift in the whole wide world. A friend from work recently got a teaching job and had to put in a one day notice. She worked in the Children's Department as a Lead and the managers are scurrying to fill the shifts she will not be able to fill.





This is where I come in because I happen to work in the Childrens Department 60% of my time at Le Sad Store. I agreed to take on two of her shifts this and next week and am currently feeling the effects of my closing and opening shift today. Tired cannot even explain how I feel.





I will say that I had an amazing birthday. For some reason I assumed that the Cloisters(medieval garden) and the Met were in the same building. I found out the night before my birthday that they are in fact not even on the same street. The Met is located on the Upper East Side (????) while The Cloisters is located somewhere near Washington Heights. I don't even think this part of the city is considered the city.





The Met and the Cloisters are about 45 minutes from one another and I quickly concluded that I would not be able to go to a medieval garden, a art museum and a fancy cupcake place all in one day. I just couldn't. I would be too tired to squeeze all of that in one day....

But. I'm also really hardheaded. And damn it all to hell I really wanted to go to a garden and go to the MET and eat lots of cupcakes. So I drank some coffee before setting out on my trip and managed to hit up all three places with time to spare. I'm just that awesome.





The Cloisters is a beautiful cathedral garden that I could go to every weekend. I enjoyed my time there more so than at the MET (which was still amazing but not as glorious). I took a lot of pictures that day and will post them as soon as I get more than four hours of sleep (I have the day off tomorrow so expect a lengthy post).





I also bought and consumed some pretty amazing cupcakes. The whole day was a blast and it made this week one of the better ones. Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It meant a lot and I only wish I was able to express my gratitude outside of words and silly pictures.





So, yeah a proper post with pictures tomorrow. I promise.





Now time for sleep. How I miss sleep.

Best. Day. Ever

Tis' My Birthday!!!!!!!!

Here's to 25!!!!!

Le (Pre) Birthday Plans.

Omg. My birthday is tomorrow.

I am actually very excited about turning 25. I feel good about it for some reason. The age feels right.

I started celebrating on Saturday. The gifts my mom sent me arrived this weekend and 'we' both saw no reason for me to wait until Tuesday to open them. Okay i begged a little but she agreed. And I scored big time folks. I already knew I was getting a new digital camera but actually using the thing has been amazing. It's a Canon SX and I am still learning the features. It's a heavy beast of a camera but damn it all to hell it's amazing. I can't stop myself from snapping pictures.

Along with the camera I got a cd, itunes gift card, a stuffed frog (i'm obsessed with frogs) and camera accessories; including a tripod which I have wanted ever since I got my first digital camera 5 years ago (when i turned 20!).

Tomorrow I plan on going to the MET and then Magnolia's (a cupcake shop located in the village). Despite the cloudy skies today and the rain that continues to fall from them, tomorrow is going to be sunny. Chilly but sunny. A perfect day to get lost in a garden.

I'm excited that this year I have taken my birthday activities in my own hands. Last year I sulked and cried, the year before I sulked for the better part of the day, but my spirits were lifted by the aunt and baby cousin who sang me happy birthday to beautifully decorated cupcakes my aunt bought on her way home. We then ate Italian food and watched America's Funniest Home movies. It was stellar.

This year I made the decision that sulking is not allowed. While I am still broke as hell, I wanted to spend some time in the city; where I feel all sorts of inspired and lovely. So tomorrow is my day for picture taking and food consumption. And of course I will post the pictures as soon as possible.

I've gotten slack from a few co-workers who do not understand the whole 'spending my birthday' alone thing. Evan gave me a concerned look when I told him about my plans, as if I am the only person to do so. Kat seemed more pissed than concerned. On Friday, after reading one of my facebook posts about impending plans, she gave me a 'have a great birthday' hug and then said 'i hope one day you let people into your awesomeness instead of shutting them out'.

Ouch.

To be completely fair, no one has offered an alternative to my plans. Not once have I heard 'maybe we can go to the movies or a bar or out to eat' that day. Birthday's are weird. You are allowed to spend them with close friends and family but how do you spend them with people in the middle. For the most part I adore the people I work with, they make working in retail that much easier. And while we grab burgers together, see crappy movies and play video games at one anothers place, I wouldn't say they are close friends. Friends yes, but close friends not really.

And I don't want to burden any of them with the specialness that is my birthday. I don't want them to feel obligated to treat me to a good time when they don't know me that well. And I sure as hell don't want to do what i did last year: putting such high expectations for them to just remember my birthday yet alone devise plans for the big 25!

So yeah, spending the day at museum and a cupcake shop seems like a loner thing to do but I love going to museums, and taking pictures, and eating. I am content when I get to do nerd things by myself. And feeling responsible for my own happiness on the day I was born is fitting.

No one can take that away from me.

Don't get me wrong I am a tad bit nervous. I want tomorrow to be amazing. I don't want to feel blue or lonely. I wish my mom were here to spend the day with me. Or even, I wish i did have a close enough friend to explore the city with. But what I have learned since moving here almost three years ago is that I am responsible for every aspect of my life here. Including that thing called happiness.

So, Birthday Extravaganza tomorrow. I have my cardigan and striped shirt ready to be worn. I am exploring the camera features so that I can get some great shots tomorrow and I have a sandwich shop and cupcake place picked to eat at.

Tomorrow, is not about job hunting. Or life worrying. Boy troubling or anxiety feeling. It's going to be a day of complete, lovely happiness in a medieval garden where like a knight from all those medieval tales i read, I will emerge not new but stronger, more resilient and ready to join the world again after conquering the quest I needed to embark on.

Can't get any better than that.

Field Trip.

I'm going to the MET on my birthday. I am very excited about this.

I will not repeat the depressive birthday that was last year. I literally walked around town aimlessly and sad. I went to the library, bought cheesecake and then sulked in my room. I'm very good at sulking.

Despite being ultra broke, stressed about broke, and tired I will get on the train early Tuesday morning on way to the MET where I will lose myself in art and a medieval garden. There is a medieval garden ya'll.

The longest paper I ever wrote in school was a 20 page exploration of medieval gardens and the Arthurian medieval quest. It was flipping stellar. The quest for knights always take place in the wilderness, on the outskirts of the medieval court. There among the rejects of 'proper society' men are forced to encounter the strangeness of nature and it's inhabitants to fully emerge a noble knight (because it follows the same sort trope of my final girl/horror movie obsession).


I look forward to getting lost in a garden.

I've taken on a babysitting gig this week that is pretty much paying for my trip to the city. The kids have a mid-winter break and my landlady asked if I could watch her nine year old daughter, Nicole on Tuesday and Thursday. In the renting a room department I am the luckiest girl in New York. My brazilian landlady is amazing. It literally feels like home here. I've eaten dinner with Nicole and her mom, celebrated small holidays with them and exchanged cultural inquiries that have resulted in her baking Brazilian sweets for me.


Nicole is an inquisitive, boy crazy pre-pre teen. She loves Justin Bieber and singing. She is an emotional girly girl who talks very quickly, so much that words blend in a very cute way. The time I have spent with her, outside of babysitting, have been pleasant and eye opening. Kids these days know a lot more than I did at nine. And I am not saying this is a weird "when i was your age..." way

It's just a fact. 10 years ago phones, musical devices and even the computer were simpler. At 15 I didn't have a cell phone or a computer. I was still carrying around a cd player which I didn't even think to bring to school. The only electronic I had with me at all times was the $100 calculator my mom had to buy for school. I was a dead chick if I lost that thing.


Now though, toddlers are working Ipad's and carrying around real phones. They are using apps and listening to music on mp3 players. They are engaged to a world that I had no idea about at 9. Or 13. Or even 16. It's a whole new ballpark.

So I was nervous. Very nervous about taking on this babysitting gig. I've hung out with her on small occasions before but never for 8 hours. And never by myself. Sure, I've babysat my cousins before but babysitting your family is easier. The thought of babysitting someone else's kid nearly incited an anxiety attack. For $150 bucks though and only two days of having to babysit her (tomorrow being the last day) I put anxiety behind me.

And I must say Day 1 went well. She was a little frantic when she thought her mom left without saying goodbye. She seemed generally upset and nervous (her mom hadn't left yet though, she was waiting downstairs). After that small concern we ate breakfast in the kitchen and talked about school. I took her to the movies to see Gnomeo and Juliet in 3D, bought her hot chocolate and then made pizza for her when we got home. We spent the rest of the day dancing to youtube videos and of course, talking about Justing Beiber.


Youtube is uncensored for the most part, which I forgot about, so I spent a lot of my time muffling curse words with a cough.


I also spent a lot of time explaining phrases she was 'curious' about.

Gwen Stefani-Hollaback Girl

Nicole: Hollaback girl?


Me: It's a girl....who....um, let's people treat her badly. So this girl (gwen stefani) is saying "i'm not going to let you treat me like i am nothing"


Nicole: Cool.


Rihanna-Only Girl (In the World)

Nicole: What does she mean when she says she wants to be "the only girl in the world"


Me: Um...it's like when you...um....like a boy at school and you want him to....you know...be interested in you. Not anyone else.


Nicole: Oh.


The funniest commentary came during the taylor swift video for Back To December. For some reason Taylor is sitting in a room and it begins to snow inside her freaking house:

Me: This video is weird.

Nicole: And the guy who fixed her roof did a really bad job. It's snowing inside her house. That's not suppose to happen right?

Me [Muffling a laugh]: No, no.

Nicole [profound excited realization about video]: maybe!!!!!..... the cute boy in the video is the roof guy and that is why she dumped him. Because he didn't fix her roof.

Me: Hey, you're right...

All in all it went well. So I had to listen to some not so great music all day but I didn't burn the house down. I'm babysitting tomorrow and we are planning on baking brownies. She really wants brownies. I'm going to buy a magazine or two tonight so that we can take dumb quizzes about boys and life.


The money I get from babysitting will help a lot. I have yet to hear anything back from potential employers and the dream opportunity with a literary agency never panned out ( i sent a stellar application two weeks ago but now the position has been taken down from the job posting site). Money is tight these days, despite wanting to buy new clothes and shoes. So any money helps, especially now.

In a few days I will not only be 25 but also the owner of a new digital camera thanks to my mom. It's a Canon SX, which has amazing features and a flash attachment that makes me nerd heart thump. Expect lots of pictures!

I rarely take days to splurge on myself so this trip to the museum means a lot. I am excited on all fronts. The fact that there is a museum open on Tuesday for me to go to, the medieval garden which i hope is as awesome as i think it will be, and the quiet introspection that will inspire me in some way.

Everyone here seems concerned of my isolated plans, but no one has really offered an alternative worth pursuing. It's all "you are going to hang out by yourself on your birthday....that sucks...." But this is something I simply want to do. When I have the people here to celebrate future birthdays with it will be amazing. Until then I will take celebrating my special day in my own hands. And who knows me more than me right.

Saturday Mornings.

I don't have to be at work today until 6pm. It's sort of a weird Saturday shift for me but I am enjoying the silence of this Saturday morning.



In my family, Saturday and Sunday mornings are huge. When I was a kid i spent them watching cartoons or Save by the Bell with my brother and cousins. We'd eat apple cinnamon waffles with loads of syrup before getting dressed to head to the park and play tag.



When I was a preteen, I spent Saturday mornings with my mom and brother. We usually found a way into her room where she would listen to music on the first stereo system we ever got. We'd dance with brooms and controllers as microphones to top 40 hits and jazz.



In south carolina, we spent Saturday mornings in the living room. My brother stopped participating in the Saturday morning sessions and it just became a time for my mom and I to connect. We'd surf the TV for programs we wanted to watch later on that day while discussing books and potential trips to a thrift store.



In college Saturday mornings were lonelier. A little more quiet. But I'd find the strength to get out of bed, brush my teeth and hair, dance and head off to take pictures when the weather was cloudy and moody enough.

Saturday mornings meant the campus was empty of students running to class so I'd take the time to visit the art building or the Horeshoe; the big stretch of land where people read books and had picnics. I'd grab a cookie from my favorite coffee shop and then back to my dorm before the masses awoke.



My Saturday's now are a little more hectic. I usually work the weekends and spend the morning dreading work. My Saturdays especially feel less treasured and special and more anxious and...crowded.



Today however, as I woke up to the wind knocking on my window and pleasant dreams about England, my Saturday felt like my Saturday again. I woke up, danced and twirled in my room, ate breakfast in really warm pajamas and found myself in the arms of a good read.



More Saturday mornings need to be like this. They are few to none these days. And I was more than happy to see on the schedule that I have next Saturday off. You couldn't find a more happier girl right now.

I am counting down the days as we speak. It is going to be lovely.

~Becks

Oh, and I think I've decided to go to the Moma on my birthday. Well, the day after because every museum seems to take a day off on Tuesdays. I had the best time at the Moma with my mom a few years back and I wouldn't mind getting lost there. Plus I have an outfit all picked out. 25 is going to be awesome!

Alrighty Then.

Waking up today with no foreseeable plans outside of reading a book and finishing the other half of the subway sandwich I bought yesterday is going to be awesome.




The last few days have been busier than I like. And not because I went on a few awesome interviews in the city. I'm still holding out for that.





Le Sad Store is once again short staffed which means I sometimes offer to cover shifts when people call out or are hungover. I usually have Tuesdays and Thursdays off (which I designate Me days) but because of hours being slashed I now have Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays off.





Despite money woes I do not mind having three days off. Last week it allowed me to churn out some pretty amazing cover letters to potential employers. I will get a better job. I have no doubt about that (well..sometimes i am doubtful but only because I doubt everything). What I may lack in grace, balance and general upkeep (it's nine, my room is a mess and I still have no idea where my pants are. seriously) I am not a complacent person.





Anxiety is working in my favor job wise. At Le Sad Store you can end up working there for years because it's a comfortable gig. If you have to work in retail Le Sad Store is not a terrible place. The people are nerdy, the hours are flexible, and we spend more time talking to each other than to customers. Don't get me wrong when it sucks it sucks hardcore but it's not the worst place to work.





However, I am a person who will never be comfortable. I am antsy and always on the search for something better. This isn't a healthy way of living. I know this but in regards to getting a better job it's the way of thinking that is driving me to get the hell out of retail.





Until that job gets here though I am slaving away at the store. Monday was Valentine's Day (a holiday I generally adore because of free candy) and everyone was in a bad mood. I completely understand that Valentine's Day is just a campy consumer holiday. I get it. But to spend the whole day sulking and expressing your hate of the holiday is only validating pint up disappointment with it,

It's just a day. An ordinary day and I have no problem participating in the cheesy aspect of it. My mom sent me a valentine's day box (which she does every year) filled with goodies galore. A candy filled bear, The Killers Cd, Garden State and new red chuck taylors! Every year we have made Valentine's day into family day and the box she sent me was awesome.





So needless to say I was in a great mood. Then I get to work where Kat is sulking because she hates valentine's day (despite the boyfriend she never pays attention too). Josh is all sour face because the girl of his dreams (up in cafe) has a boyfriend she will be spending valentines day with and my friend up at the cash register complained the whole night about his girlfriend.





Thanks Guys.





During Kat's "I hate valentine's day" rant she said admitted that Pretty Ricky was starting to get on her nerves. Pretty Ricky, hot preacher guy, recently got married and his thoughts these days are only on his wife. I mentioned the Pretty Ricky, virginal preacher, new attitude towards woman thing to my mom and with the eloquence of Jackie Kennedy she said "he's different because he finally got laid Beckett. Vagina can change a man". God, I love my mom.





Kat says that Pretty only talks about his wife now and complains that Kat is too negative about things (true). I said I never heard him say anything negative about her being negative and like a complete bitch she said "well it's because he actually considers me a friend, unlike some people. That's why he wouldn't come to you". Alright then. Sorry. Go ahead and sulk I don't care anyone.





That night couldn't have ended any quicker after that comment, but Evil Manager asked me if I could come in on my day off to cover a mid shift. Like a true broke person I said I could and spent all four hours of my shift on Tuesday sulking. Now remember that the day before most of the staff was in a bad mood, and I being patient listened to them bitch.





The moment I come in, a little bit down and eager to leave, everyone says I am being too moody and sullen. WTF?!





The shift wasn't that bad and I didn't curse anyone out but it messed with my whole Tuesday routine which I had to do on Wednesday. Needless to say yesterday was a long busy day of running errands and hair appointments. I spent most of the day in the Bronx because the only person who can tame my hair is a hairdresser named Nicole. I spent a good four hours there (3 of them spent waiting) but am happy with the results. Still short but cute. Then I hit up the library for a handful of books and a DVD.



Today is the first day in a week that I do not have any plans. I am ecstatic about this. I have a few writing goals for myself today followed by a viewing of Garden State this afternoon. I do love that movie.





And, my birthday is less than two weeks ago. Last year I sulked hardcore because I had no plans and spent the day in my room crying. I refuse to do so this year. I am going to be 25 years old. Can you believe it? I am planning a Me Day Extravaganza. If the weather isn't too bad I would like to spend my birthday in the city, possibly at a museum or exhibit of some sort. Maybe a bookstore or bakery.





I am open for suggestions. NYC is an amazing place and if there is some place you've been interested in 'seeing' I wouldn't mind going there myself for you and snapping pictures and such. Wow when did this become an interactive journal. But seriously, there may be some hidden gem you've heard of that I have not. March 1st will be a day of exploring the city and I am excited to be taking my birthday celebration in my own hands this year.





Any who, time to clean my room so that I can get some writing and reading done. I've heard all about this David Foster Wallace guy but have yet to read anything by him. I am going to try and make a dent in 'Girl with Curious Hair' today, I've been interested in this read for a while.

~Becks

P.S. How to Breathe Underwater tracklist up! It's the final playlist for this years exchange. Enjoy.

How To Be Alone.

Yesterday a bunch of us for work went to a free showing of a unreleased movie. Yep folks, I was a part of a focus group. There is a first and last time for everything.

I'm working on being more social. I am. I promise. But I have loner tendencies that are pretty hard to shake. For me there is distinction being lonely and being alone. I enjoy my alone time. I revel in me days where I am only responsible for my own happiness.

Today I cleaned my room, danced to songs on the radio and read. Oh and I slept, a mighty long nap that I see myself repeating in the next hour so. These are lone activities that make the real world easier for me. If I didn't have these days of solitude I would go nuts. I have in the past become outwardly frustrated, moody and sullen when devoid of 'me' days.

But being lonely is completely different. I hate feeling on the outside of human connections. I hate feeling disconnected from the relationships I want to have. Though I enjoy 'me' days I often times which I had 'us' days.

Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of having a core group of friends; a small, nerdy but close knit family of misfits. A Willow and Xander to my Buffy, a Gordo and Miranda to my Lizzie McGuire. And there was once a time when I had one, in the sixth grade that is. I've been searching for another group of friends such as those for a while.

I don't want a lot of friends. I don't need a million different people to know or even care who I am. I just want a few good and solid friends. Friends to hang out with on days when I don't want to being alone has caved into loneliness.

But this is where Anxiety and I collide. I don't know how to reach out and be social when I need to be. There is a science to hanging out I am not really great at. Despite how many times I actually hang out with people who seem to like me well enough.

Despite my reservations about this huge group outing ( 7 people) I really wanted to go. The stress of applying to jobs and working at Le Sad Store can take a toll on a girl. I wanted to just do something different and not inside my house and away from the wayward thoughts that make me sleepy.

Around 5:30 I headed to Le Sad Store to meet up with Blue, Evan, my good friend Toaster and a few other people before heading to the theater. To be honest the only reason any of us wanted to see this movie was because it was free. Even if it sucked hard core (I'll get to that later) not having to pay to see it was a plus.

We've been planning this for a few days. Free movie, maybe some snacks, a few laughs. At the last minute of course I almost bailed on the outing because it was freaking cold outside and any thought of leaving my house seemed insane. But a half hour later I was in the break room waiting for everyone to show up so we could go upstairs to the theater.



Toaster and Blue were already hamming it up in the break room while talking about super heroes and movie re-makes. I decided to waste my time getting some hot chocolate up in cafe. Kat was there on her break and she kept saying I looked 'anxious', 'super anxious' and 'uncomfortable' about the whole outing.



Truthfully I wasn't anxious. I was tired and cold but in ok spirits. The moment she said I looked anxious though I could only think back to that time I was on the debate team in high school (well briefly) and before the 3rd round of my speech one of the competitors said I was pronouncing a word wrong during my presentation.



I was pronouncing it correctly just with a a slight emphasis on the 'a', i think. Regardless she threw me off my game and concentration on purpose. She drew attention to something I was not paying attention too. And the next round I totally fumbled on the word because I was concentrating so hard on saying it correctly.



That's all I could think of when Kat said I looked 'nervous'. I suddenly began to feel nervous and anxious and out of sorts. And then she said she and Blue were planing on seeing a movie after the one he was going to see with us which only made me feel jealous despite my disinterest in dating Blue anymore. Thanks a lot Kat.



But the night went ok, I guess. We all finally came together like a band of kids on a school outing to head to the theater. Toaster and his girlfriend argued pretty much until we got in our seats, Blue kept complaining of hunger and Evan talked about drinking...a lot. I, for some reason, thought the movie we were going to see was called the Barn, and raved about my excitement to see the Barn in line. I sort of ignored the strange looks in line until I realized (during the opening scene) that the movie was not called the Barn made evident by the way the characters kept referring to the catastrophe taking place at The Bay. The Bay folks. Not the barn,



The movie was terrible,stinky and long. It was marketed as a mix between Paranormal Activity and every other film where shit hits the fan and people start dying for reasons you never really find out. Blue sat next to me and was antsy the whole time because he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be late for the film he was going to see with Kat.



We couldn't use our cellphones because of piracy issues and there were agents pacing the rows to make sure of this. Blue kept asking me what time it was and when I reached to pull out my cellphone he whispered loudly 'no, no, no, no they will catch you beckett. they will catch you'. We both then turned to see a very scary guy with binoculars looking out in the crowd. I was scared to pull out any form of electronic after that.



When the movie ended we had to take the longest survey ever. Blue split before the movie ended so he missed out on the questionnaire. Everyone then dispersed into their own little groups. Kat and Blue were waiting outside and Evan joined then in a talk session. Toaster, his girlfriend were still filling out the survey and I sort of just trickled by the group said 'see you later' and walked home.



I am such a loner. I felt bad for sort of leaving abruptly but realized how tense I was the whole night once the cold air hit my face and my body relaxed some.



I must get better at this. I must.

P.S Year of Magical Thinking tracklist up!

Required Listening

Tracklists are going up!




I'm sorry i've been late on posting them. You can refer back to this post for further tracklist updates.


Here's a sneak peak of the awesomness:

Required Reading.

You are going to judge me.

I know this already. But I do not care because I am going to admit it anyway. And I will not be able to see your judgment through the screen so I am okay with writing the next sentence:

I may or may not be collecting syllabuses that I 'find' at work.

Let me explain.

I dread the holidays and the beginning of the Semester at Le Sad Store. The holidays because....well people are assholes around the holidays. The beginning of the Semester because despite Le Sad Store not caring textbooks we get customers everyday (both on the phone and in person) who ask if we carry them and then get all upset when we have to explain the difference between the text book division of our store and the 'trade' store. It never works out well.

When I say that we get calls from frantic students everyday looking for a textbook I mean every singe day until a month or so after the semester has started. Every single day. Every single hour. With the same damn stupid question:

"can you look up a book for me" "is it a textbook?" "well, um...not really" "what's the title?" "________ 7th edition" "that's a textbook. we don't sell those here".

And that's just from people who have the brain to call first. Most students just come to the store with a syllabus in one hand (see how I brought this back to the syllabus) and an attitude:

'I need this book?"
"what's the title"
"_______3rd edition"
"sounds like a textbook"
"well it's not"
"are you using it for a class"
"yes, but it's not a textbook"
"it has an edition attached to you, kind of implies that it may be a textbook?"
"well it's not. can you just look it up, I need it for school"
"fine"
"[scowl]...."
"[stank eye. typing]"......"
"[scowl. looking at syllabus]......"
"[typing. immense pleasure because I am right. snarky tone]....we don't have this book....because it's a textbook indicated by the edition attached to it"
"well then where am i suppose to get this book"
"i don't know...a textbook store...on your campus"

End Scene.

It doesn't always go this way. For the most part students are pleasant and really have no idea about the differences in a textbook store and 'regular' store. If they are nice or cute or nerdy I'll explain it to them and suggest the nearest store or website that may carry their book.

In South Carolina, where i went to school, we had a general Le Sad Store text book division and three mom and pop used textbook stores. I am not sure if they have that here because when I couldn't get my book for class at Le Sad Store I wen to Adams the used bookstore across the street. It was that simple. I guess it works a little differently here.

Today a few anxious looking students came to the store looking for all kinds of textbooks. As i was explaining to a very nerdy boy that we didn't carry his Graphic Illustrated textbook my co-worker was retrieving a William Faulkner book for someone taking an American Literature Class. A benefit of being a lit major is that most of the text read in those classes are novels which can be pretty cheap. Anyway, said Lit Guy accidentally left his syllabus at customer service. My co-worker was about to throw it in the garbage when I stopped her and said I wanted to take a look at it. Except by look I mean...keep it.

I have only collected a few. But this is hoarding to a new level. Who in the world collects syllabuses.

Some days I miss school. Jenn, the girl I may be looking for an apartment with in the city if I can get a job by May, is graduating college this semester and she is anxious as hell to leave. I completely understand her urgency to graduate. I saw her recently and all she could talk about was her eagerness to be done with school already. And I was shock to hear myself tell her that she'll miss school once she is done with it. "Trust me" I said solemnly. You will. And coming from me that has to mean something because I was over with school as soon as college began.

But I do miss my time at USC. Not even the important life changing elements of it. I miss reading nerdy things and dragging myself to class and cramming for tests at the last minute. I miss talking about my professors and dropping by the department for one on one sessions in my TA's crammed closet of an office. I miss dozing off in class or picking out that one guy I was going to have a crush on for the semester. I miss RateMyProfessor and Saturdays not studying in the library.

But most of all I miss the first day of class when the teacher hands out the pristine syllabus foreshadowing what you are in store of.

I hated and loved the first day of class. I could skip the whole 'lets introduce ourselves' portion, I never liked introducing myself the first day nut I loved getting the syllabus. The syllabus is like a resume. The professor is selling themselves (and their class) with their 2-3 page syllabus. I have dropped and added classes based this. It had reinforced my thoughts on the class and/or professor. I decided against dropping that Literary and Criticism course because the syllabus was awesome (and the professor was hot). I dropped that Shakespeare class because of a presentation project mentioned.

The syllabus is a deal maker or breaker and when I find them in the store, because some poor sap has lost it, I get all sorts of excited for reasons that I can only explain as nostalgia and longing. And plus it says a lot about the person teaching the course.

The syllabus I picked up today was very interesting. The moment I read the outline I knew that this was a young professor, from a pompous school who wishes to be a radical thinker while teaching the same texts one has read before. I was all kinds of judgemental especially after reading that he is teaching the "Great Gatsby" "The Sound and the Fury" and "The Crying of Lot 49" for an American Literature: 1920 to the Present class (not that these are bad text. They are all amazing. But a lot of significant shit was written during this time outside of these very familiar and famous novels)

And boy was I right. Because I was in the kids department all day I had the chance to google said professors name to get a better picture of who this chap is:

Yale graduate. Teaches Realism and 'Approaches to Literature". He is the poster boy for affluent hipster who added (almost as an afterthought) Ginsberg and Lahiri (Interpreter of Maladies) to his syllabus to be... 'different". There is a picture of him on the school website. Very crisp looking, very toothy, arms crossed and dressed out of a Tommy Hilfiger catalogue. Gross.

I read through his syllabus with a sense of scorn and indignation. Surely there are books other than the go-to ones that he could have used to represent the time between 1920-to the present. Not to say that those texts aren't important but come on....what is this high school honors English? Surely, he could draw better connections between the literature produced in relations to the significant social, economic and racial tensions of the time. If I had a class to teach I would....

Oh wait.

I discovered early on that teaching wasn't my thing. I could see myself doing it in a small capacity. Maybe as a visiting professor or speaker but nothing more. Teaching freaks me out. I can think back only to the times where my teachers (not professors generally) have broken down in front of the class while I looked on painfully from my seat. But some days, especially when I am holding a syllabus made my a very attractive but pompous professor teaching at a small liberal arts college in the north, I can't help but think about teaching my own class for a semester or so.

Of teaching a course where I can discuss nerdy nerd things (like Buffy or the Final Girl or 20th century influences that include the Lost Generation and the Harlem Renaissance or Teen Nostalgia) and draw connections and create gaps and challenge things. And yeah for the most part I would be the only one to find it interesting but who cares; it would give me a reason to investigate the things that mean something to me while I connect them to things that may mean something to a shy girl or boy who will one day steal syllabuses from college students at his or her job.

And as I try to find the space in my drawer to add another lost syllabus to the collection I cannot help but miss school and the whole learning/ nerding out thing. I can't help but toy with the idea of graduate level education and having my nose in a book for class again.

I often miss school a lot. Some night more than others.

~Beckett

PS. Today is my 1000 post. Can you believe it?!

The Ice Storm

I wrote a really killer post earlier which blogger promptly deleted.

Blerg.

To sum up a very lengthy post:

I played hookie yesterday during our ninth snow storm. Le Sad Storm remained open despite the icy weather and I decided that I was in no mood to go to work. My head hurt, my throat hurt and the last time I walked to work during a winter storm I face planted in the snow. Face planted. I wish this was an exaggeration but alas, the truth is more painful than my face falling into soft cold snow.

So I called out. Luckily I got on the phone with New Manager (dan), the 20 something year old hipster who is in a band, and told him that I was feeling down. A head cold? A stomach ache? the plague. Cough, cough. He laughed and told me to take it easy, they'd find some way to manage without me.

Sick Day Success!!

I have been stressed and under the weather lately, which has contributed to a very poor attitude at work these last few days. I can not muster the energy to care what my co-workers/friends have to say and spend most of my shift sulking.

It's not easy being an anxious person. I internalize everything. I am aloof and distant and in my head a lot. I do not know how to explain this to people when I do my weird 'disappearance act'. I am a master act it. I hide my feelings like a pro. Unfortunately everyone has taken my sullen disposition as 'I've done something to piss beckett off' signal.

Which to be honest I am a little frustrated with everyone around me, including myself. I am on the heels of my quarter life crisis. In less than a month I'll be 25. Something I am both excited and terrified by. Where the hell is time going. I mean just this afternoon I was watching Blossom on Dvd thanks to Netflix and now I am going to be 25 on March 1st (subtle birthday hint).

I feel so unaccomplished for 25. It's daunting really.

And a lot of times, I feel like the person I want to be and the person I am are so distant from each other that my whole 'congruency' goal will never happen. There are days when I have such a clear picture of my future. Of the confidant, witty, smart young woman I will be. The one with the OK job, the budding writing career, the cute boyfriend who I make breakfast for because it's the only meal of the day I know how to cook. And because I can't bear seeing his face after I've burnt the rice for the eleventh time and he is forced to eat it because he is a nice swell guy. Breakfast is more my forte. I've thought about this a lot.

I dream of my days off spent at the farmer's market and then to a local bookstore downtown somewheres. I imagine the cups of hot tea I'll keep at my desk to drink from time to time on really cold days. I even think about my own acceptance and rejection of real world issues, the spontaneous trips abroad and the pictures I'll take accompanied by essays and stories of my journey.

And then I wake up and I don't feel any closer to the realization. I don't know if I am trying hard enough to make it a reality. And it sucks because I don't really have anyone to confide in about these worries. I don't have anyone to see the progress that I am too blind to realize. And it is hard going to work everyday where McAbs keeps talking about...at this point I don't even know. Just him. Or where Kat plays victim and Blue plays or is stupid.

It's all too much some days. I can't even fake a grin and bear it (Mcabs was talking about something that other day and I was in no mood to hear what he had to say. He got all offended and replied "some how i expected a better reaction from you. you can be so weird sometimes). For that reason I sort of enjoyed playing hookie, even though technically I was a little sick.

I haven't had a day where I took time off from being where I am suppose to be. It's the best feeling in the world and I understand now why Ferris Bueller remains one of my favorite movies of all time. I think the last proper hookie day ( i almost typed hooker. embarrassment abound) was when I bailed on McDreamy's writing class because I couldn't bear the silence. I don't know how I survived that class without stabbing my ears out. It was brutal.

This time around, I spent the day in bed reading a truly horrible/funny/potentially traumatizing historical romance novel. Then I ate soup, and passed out after taking a Tylenol. It was a pretty relaxed day (all of which was documented a lot better in the post that blogger did away with). I'll pay the consequence tomorrow when everyone asks why I called out on Wednesday. I would like to engage in proper Hookie Day however. One not as epic but just as fun as Bueller's.

The last three days away from the world have been stellar nonetheless and I will answer everyone's question of why I didn't come into work that day with a stank eye.

Beckett

PS. Yes...I wrote in the snow. It was so crisp I couldn't help msyelf.

Snow Day No.8

I don't think it is ever going to stop snowing here. Which to be honest I am perfectly okay with.

I apologize for my lack of everything these days. I feel more tired, stressed, aloof and disconnected then I usually am. Work is not helping. Lack of money is not helping. And to be honest this snow, though it is beautiful and fluffy and cold is not helping. It is just making me more sleepy.

And for the past week or so I've had a headache that I cannot shake. It's a mix because a migraine and the Lisa Turtle twitch. Remember the episode where Lisa develops an eye twitch every time Screech is in her presence. Substitute my job for Screech and you can imagine what I look like at work, especially around the presence of....well everyone.

You'd think with the amount of bad weather we get here people would find ways to amuse themselves inside the comfort of their own home. Not here. On terrible, snow heavy days people head to the bookstore as if it is summer. Adults, kids and dreaded teens crowd the store just to hang out and leave a mess. I can't help but feel like a part of my job description is 'in store maid' and 'stank eye giver'.

And while the customers are driving me bat shit crazy, my employees are too. Not only did Blue say that I wasn't a 'typical girl' last week but he mistook me for a boy the other day. A boy! I had to open on Sunday and I was doing my usual 'before Le Sad Store' is open tasks. I headed to the break room to retrieve my ID when I crashed into Blue leaving the break room. We both did a weird shriek thing. I yelled 'gosh blue' he yelled 'gosh robert'.

We had a seasonal employee named robert. Blue called me robert. WTF.

"Robert?"
"i mean...beckett"
"did you just call me robert"
'I meant beckett"
'you just confused me for a dude"
"I'm sorry, I'll work on not confusing you with one anymore"

Blue is becoming a blip on my crush meter which is pretty sad because he is a boy who possesses all the goods to be crush worthy except for the speaking part.


And it didn't help that I had an awful headache on Sunday (the same shift where he mistook me for a boy) but I tried to put the whole 'blue calling me a dudes name' thing behind me because I am trying not to let things like that get to me like they use to. I was still in a mood though because I hate working weekends. I despise it.

Despite having two days off during the week, having a day off during the weekend is just....different. There is something about waking up on a Saturday or Sunday that feels so relaxing. During the week I am writing or applying to jobs or avoiding calls from student loan representatives. The weekend is another story. I adore waking up on Saturday and Sunday with no plans outside of my own. There is no job applying on the weekends. No cursing out Student Loan people. Just me and maybe a lifetime movie marathon and food.

Working on the weekends reminds me of the reality of my situation here. Of the instability and lack of routine. During the opening/closing meetings now the managers kept telling that hours that will get slashed this month. Which to be honest I expected. I was hoping though that if hours are going to get slashed I would at least have a weekend to myself one of these days. I have three days off next week none of which is Saturday or Sunday.

So when I have to work the weekends, I spend most of it scorning the people who venture out to do things. I would spend my weekends at home, in bed, curled up with a book. But on Sunday there were so many people in the store that morning, making me even more jealous that I do not have a day to mull around. The kids department was swamped with parents who have no idea how to entertain their children.

By 3 o'clock I asked Evil Manager if I could go home early, (because of my head ache and frustration) she said yes. I headed up to the cash register to put something away and Blue kept calling my name over and over and over again. Earlier I mentioned to him that my head was hurting and that I thought it could be a migraine or the Lisa Turtle Twitch. So I was not to please when he kept calling my name from a feet away. In an annoying childish pay attention to what I am saying way.

When I walked away from him he was all 'what's wrong now' to which I replied 'my head hurts and you keep yelling my name.... in my face.... like an asshole'.

Yeah. Sunday wasn't great.

I did pick up a terribly cheesy book to read though to get my mind off of more pressing matters. I prepared for Snow Day No. 8 days ago. I have a room full of goodies to enjoy while the rest of New York finds some excuse to go outside. It manages to snow on days when I do not have to leave my house which is fine by me. My days off are becoming the only days when I can actually pause and breathe for a while.

I still have to update tracklists and such from MIXCd Extravaganza, and I really do want to compose a post where I am not complaining about work. I do have other things going around in my brain that do not have to do with work or Blue or suckassness. Like me turning 25 is four weeks. Or that I am only two posts away from 1000 entries on this here blog.

I will make time to talk about those soon. After a small reading, eating, napping break from the world.

P.S. I'm starting to post the tracklists from the music extravaganza on my Quiet Girl Blog. You should head over there via the link to see what crazy music i compiled this year. I'm going to make a post (on that blog) about each Cd so stay tuned for updates!

Typical vs. Me

The other day my friend from work, Evan, made me a MixCd called the Macho Manly Mix. Yeah he is not really that great with titles but whatever it was very nice of him.

Evan, the object of Kat's obsession, just returned to the states a few weeks ago from a weird survival retreat in South America. I've been calling it the 'retreat only really wealthy young people can take' because let's be honest for a moment. I have never been in a position where I can go on a retreat (spiritual or survival isque) just because I want to.

In any case, when he returned with a grizzly man beard and thinner I knew that I wanted to make him a Mix. Especially because I'd been such an ass towards him this summer. Especially during our Nerd Day Extravaganza in the city.

I compiled a bunch of songs that came out during his 4 month absence and gave it to him a week ago. He really liked it and in turn made me a mix. I spent the whole weekend listening to it, trying to find the time in my recently hectic schedule to listen to each track. And it's pretty manly. Johnny Cash, The Clash, some guy named Jamie T. The Heavy. I could go on....

I was listening to his mixcd in the break room the other day when Blue came in and plopped down next to me. Me and Blue are doing okay. But I think that is the extent of our relationship. A lot of it has to do with the New Years Eve fiasco but mainly we haven't really taken our 'relationship' anywhere. We are a couple of confused people in a stalled car not really sure what to do next.

But I don't think he is on to this. I think he is just a 23 year old guy who still doesn't really understand girls. I don't think boys ever will. And I only say this because I don't think I will ever understand guys.

So as I am listening to my mix Blue grabs my ipod to see what I am listening to. I let him in on the fact that Evan made me a really cool mix full of manly songs and that it is pretty masculine.

Since his return I have put behind me any feelings of jealousy and anger towards Evan. I feel guilty about the month or two I spent giving him the stank eye.

Before Kat became interested in Evan, me and him we were pretty good work friends. We talked about music, books and television any time we got a chance to. He revealed his dyslexia to me and I revealed my anxiety to him. We get along really well because while I am all sorts of anxious and self conscious he is the polar opposite yet patient. I like him in a platonic 'i think girls and guys can actually be friends' kind of way.

And their relationship sort of ruined it. Because Kat invested all her energy in making sure Evan was her 'friend' and not mine. It was brutal.

But that was the past and his manly macho mix was an ode to the mix I made him the week before and to our efforts to be friends again. Which is going well, I must say. His Macho Manly Mix helped a bunch. Being a boy is hard.

I say this to Blue in the breakroom and then we get into a not so intense conversation about gender; mainly girls and femininity and Blue said something along the lines of 'well you don't have to worry about that because you aren't a typical feminine girl anyway"

What could you mean Blue?

"I mean typical girls are complicated and moody. And drive us (guys) crazy."

Go on. Continue to dig your hole sir

"You don't want to be like that. You know, like a girl and all"

No Blue. Any way you put it I do want to be a girl that a boy finds attractive and complicated. I want to drive you guys crazy with my moody girliness. I don't want to be given a backhanded compliment from someone who acknowledges that I am a girl but not a typical one. And this is not a compliment. If I were to say 'don't worry Blue I don't really think of you as a masculine guy' he would have been up in arms. He would have felt castrated and emasculated. It works the same way for chicks.

When I hear 'you are not a typical girl' I think of all the depictions of the lonely girl who pines after her best guy friend as he pursues...well the typical girly girl. I think of the tomboyish chick who can carry a conversation with the guys but who always ends up never getting pursued by one. And sure most of the time the girl eventually ends up with a person who sees her for who she is. But damn it all to hell, for once I'd be okay being a single typical 20 something year old female. For once.

I sort of said 'thanks' with a questionable question mark at the end of the thanks but he seemed pleased with himself at his observation. And 20 minutes later he asked"why don't you ear earrings".

I said because my ear lobes are sensitive and earrings hurt.

He smiled and said:

See a typical girl wouldn't say that. You should work on that.

I'm starting to think that Blue may have a talking to girls deficiency. There can be no other answer.