The Cubicle Life and Other Musings.

I am not going to lie...having a full time job is freaking weird. Having a full time job in a office is even weirder, if that's even possible. For the last 3 months I have been gainfully employed by a start up company thanks to my good friends gf, Trish, who saw an job opening at her job she'd thought i'd be good at. 

Seeing that i'd just quit Le Sad Store around this time the offer was made and as my hours were being slashed at the University (because the school may be going bankrupt), I was more than eager at the opportunity. The months preceding my new job were not great. While I absolutely love my new place (more on that later) moving sucked. I had actually been toying with the idea of moving long before my landlady broke the news to me. She didn't like when I had guest over, it was tough having to share a bathroom with three other women one of whom was a pre-teen who just discovered Bath and Body Works. I was concerned about my lack of freedom as well. While I had free reign of the whole house when no one else was there, I felt confined to my room because it was the only place that was really mine and off limits. There also always seemed to be this awkward tension between my landlady towards the end of my stay there as it became more and more aware I was just some person renting a room in her home. 

Oddly enough this discomfort of living there was made evident when Sean came to visit last Summer. He'd come over so we could argue some more and as we were leaving the house when we passed my landlady on the stairs and she gave a look so disapproving I felt ashamed, as if having a boy in my room was a rule punishable by banishment. When we got to the car Sean said 'you really should think about moving soon, there is definitely a problem here".  

So when the prospect of moving occurred,I was not at all pissed about having to leave, I hated the suddenness of it all, I hated being forced to leave because my landlady sold the house without giving me proper notice. I hated not being able to take the cat who loved me best of all along with me. I was attached to the memories of living there and leaving in some ways felt like I was leaving them behind as well. I wasn't prepared. After the move to my new place, I felt sort of alone and out of touch with everyone and thing. I quit the Le Sad Store soon after because the commute (which up until then had never been a factor) and my general dissatisfaction/discomfort of working there was overwhelming. Saying goodbye to the drudgery of retail was easy, saying goodbye to the extra dough and memories was hard. 

Unfortunately I quit right around the time my University sent a mass email revealing that they'd up and lost $2 million dollars of our payroll expenses and part time employees hours were to be cut immediately and a hiring freeze was in effect until the money could be 'found'. This bad news was only compounded by the fact that I partially quit Le Sad Store because I had an interview with the University right before the announcement of the freeze and was a shoe in for a new opening on campus. When it became apparent that that was not going to happen the move and quitting the book store suddenly seemed like huge mistakes. 

By Christmas I was all but through with everything and spent the holidays broke, depressed and seriously contemplating moving back to South Carolina. At the time I had less than $100 in my bank account, had lost so much weight because I could not afford to feed myself and pay for rent. On top of that Sean was home for the holidays..I will not go into detail about all that transpired between me and that asshole. It was not a fun time in my life. 

Anywho, around my birthday I was determined to turn things around because I was starting to feel desolate and without hope. Depression is like being on a really long slide, it gathers more momentum towards the end, so i awkwardly placed my feet against the sides of the slide before I hit the bottom. I had no choice but too.  Oddly enough keeping positive and optimistic was a big help but luck and sheer fortitude were also huge factors. My mom gave me money for Christmas so I could furnish my apartment, pay rent and purchase groceries (she continued to help me out financially until I got this job). I deleted every trace of Sean from my life and went from feeling crazy to sane in a days time.I also began sending out a ton of job applications and got a lot of responses back and after 3 months my friends gf offered me a job where she worked and I decided to take it (despite some other offers) because a new start involved getting out of my comfort zone. 

And so far the last three months have proved interesting both monetary and socially. Going from having no money to steady income has been an...adjustment to say the least. I did not realize how a) underpaid and b)poor I've been until I got my first paycheck. I am only making an entry level salary but the steady income is indescribable...well coming from someone who has never had a steady income. I am able to purchase basic life maintaining things without immediate guilt that I have spent too much money. I mainly spend my money on things I need (and from time to time things I don't: like home decor stuff) but have up until now been unable to afford...like a vacuum, an iron, a first aid kit, a toaster. I can also afford to buy food. Let legit food. The other day I made meatballs in my crockpot. Meatballs that I used to make a meatball wedge. 3 months ago I could barely afford groceries over $20 and my dinners consisted of cup of noodles. If they ever need me to be a spokesperson I am the girl for them because I will be forever grateful for their cheap and delicious meals.

 Coincidentally not being stressed about money has allowed me to adjust to my new place and town. I cannot tell you how adorable my town is because you wouldn't believe it. It is the Stars Hollow of the Tri-State area and I am adjusting well. I am decorating, buying furniture and cooking/baking (it's a studio so there isn't a stove but crock-pots and toaster ovens are god's gift to the universe). While I still have a lot to do before I am completely satisfied, my place feels more like home in the short time that I've been there. When I am not spending time at home I am hitting up the local overpriced bookstore, grabbing food from the various mom and pop eateries and dodging college students (it's a college town). 

I am buying a bicycle soon, so i'll have wheels to explore the colonial houses and tree lined neighborhoods on the weekends (it'll have a basket so i can carry my books should i decide to read by the pond near my house). Oh and on the weekends there is a farmers market with food vendors and flower stands. I have attempted to go several times only to be distracted by yard sales. I remain friends with a few loyal people from Le Sad Store and from time to time we all go to the bar and reminisce about the good times and catch up on our ever evolving lives. Kat and I are still madly deeply in best friend love and every Friday we marathon shows on Netflix (in pj's) and laugh while we complain about work and getting older.

 I am thankful everyday for my apartment and neighborhood and social life/routine so much so that I often get this overwhelming sense that I am in a dream i do not want to wake up from. I am fearful that it will all slip away some how because that is what happens you know. Things just slip away. I try not to dwell on this fear for long however. While my home life/social life is blooming....work is another story. 

The dynamics of working in an office closely mirror that of being in Elementary school: For 8 hours a day I am confound to a building where I sit at a desk (which, naturally i decorated with things from home), take imaginary notes, daydream about going home and complain about being there with my co-workers.This is not to say my job is terrible or what I do for a living is awful, because this is furthest from the truth. To be honest I am not completely sure what I do for a living, I work for an IT firm that specializes in managing website for big companies. I am the firms secretary/customer service rep/phone answer-er which means I have the least important job at our company. 

Outside of my friend's gf, I've only made one other friend at work named Lyle who everyone hates because he's uber nerdy and has a boundless amount of information that he loves to share (whether you want to hear it or not). He also talks about his gf all the time who he met on OK Cupid. If is not talking about cars, electronics or atheism, his gf is the main topic of discussion. While everyone else finds him annoying I think he is adorable and endearing. I also like not having to carry a conversation. I once sat through a whole lunch hour listening to him talk and it was comforting. 

The rest of my co-workers range from much older so I find it hard to relate or people my age who I find it hard to relate too and adjusting to them has not been easy. Anyone who works in a bookstore obviously have traits i generally thrive off of and gravitate towards: socially awkward, nerdy, imaginative, free spirits, oddballs. The pool at my current job is nothing like that. At our firm we have three teams of employees:

The IT Crowd: do you remember the SNL kit where Jimmy Fallon plays that overwhelming, know it all, curt IT guy, welp that pretty much sums up the handful of guys who make up our IT department. I once said hi to one of them and he didn't even look up from his cubicle. He just stopped typing, grunted a response and waited until I awkwardly walked away before resuming work. 

The 2nd team consists of our Marketing Squad: They are young, attractive recent college grads who hang out after work at the bar down the street and brag about the newest thing they bought. I wish this was an exaggeration. I once sat through a conversation of the guys of the marketing squad talking about cars and fitness competitions. There is only one girl in the marketing group and she is beautiful and nice. They are a tight group and I have been hesitant to approach them white flag style.

 Then there is the Support Group: I am a part of this group. We are a mixed bag of the leftovers on Thanksgiving Day, we don't make a whole meal but we do just fine individually. While the marketing team is close and social, the IT Crowd; standoffish and aloof, the Support Group seems to exist solely to work which can make the day drag. I have gone the whole day without saying a word to anyone on my side of the office and this appears to be a normal thing.

 Because I am so used to working with my best friends and making the best out of shitty situation, I often get nostalgic for Le Sad Store especially during my dull and uninspiring interactions at work with my co--workers. We are required to go to break in small groups (or alone if we choose) and immediately I joined my friend's gf group to eat lunch with. The lunch group consist of me, Lyle, my friend's gf, Trish, and her super closed friend at work who I have deemed Creepy Guy. 

Because I know Trish outside of work, I was keen on befriending everyone she is close to at work, you know, by proxy. I assumed whoever Trish was close to at work would be cool and nice and i'd make fast friends with them. I quickly realized that Trish doesn't really have a lot of work at friends except for this one guy named Shane. Shane is in his mid 30's, married with a newborn kid and constantly talking about how much water he drinks in hopes he'll lose weight. I kind of got a weird vibe from him the first couple of days but pushed them aside because Trish and him are super close at work. 

Then he started asking me really weird and inappropriate questions when no one else was around: like if i had more than one tattoo, specifically on my breast or lower back, or if when I say i am grabbing coffee after work is it code word for 'sex'. I made the mistake of allowing him to drive me home once and his reaction upon seeing where i lived was 'great! now I can stalk your house at night'. Really creepy shit! 

At first I didn't say anything because in front of everyone else he seems completely normal and harmless and I thought I was being too conversation. But no, I definitely know creepy when i see it, and for some reason I happened to bring out the creep in a lot of people. I started to shut down his advances a few weeks ago by being unresponsive to his attention. Instead of deterring him it seemed to anger and frustrate him so much so that he would reprimand me for stupid shit: like taking lunch by myself. 

We all used to go to lunch together in the beginning but I stopped going every day with them because Shane was giving me the creeps and outside of Lyle everyone else spent the lunch on their phones, making no attempt to socialize. When he noticed that i'd take my lunch at the same time  but would read or write during it instead of eating with them he revoked my lunch time invite(if i decided i wanted too) Yes, he said this too me in front of everyone. I was not allowed to eat with them anymore because too many people were taking their lunch at the same time and to resolve the issue, I, would not be allowed to eat with them so that at least one person was in the office to answer the phone "plus you're too busy to read to join us for lunch most of the time any way"

 It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard and immediately I knew it was a petty and immature response to my cold shoulder and rejection. Today I actually pulled Trish aside and told her everything Shane has said and how uncomfortable he makes me and that I am not above bringing my claws out if he continues to cross the line with me. Trish was shocked that he'd said those things to me and apologized, we then hugged it out and went back to our cubicles to do whatever it is we do for 8 hours. Shane didn't say anything to me the whole day, he didn't even make eye contact, which makes me think Trish said something to him. Hopefully he gets the picture. 

Of course, It's hard to sum up the last three months of my life in a post but those are all the major points. I am okay, I feel happy and things are falling into place....slowly but surely. I have this stupid app on my phone that stores my pictures and notes off of my room as little reminders I can look back on. Every day it asks "do you remember where you were a year ago...let me show you' and then it pulls up pictures and posts I made a year ago from my phone. I hate this fucking app. 

A year ago today Sean was here on leave for two weeks. It was the first time i'd seen him since his graduation from the naval academy. We drove around for 3 hours while he told me I was immature, worthless and did not deserve him. He told me he would never change for me and that I was the one who had to work harder to prove I was someone to stick around for. And at the time I think I believed it. I thought he was as good as it was going to get. 

But what a difference as year has made. In a year I have proven him and myself wrong. Things aren't perfect and I am still adjusting and trying to figure shit out but....but things are better than they've been in long time and I am proud of how far I've come despite everything. I am happy. I am confident I am on the right path. I am free of self doubt and heartache which has in some ways allowed me to flourish and prosper one step at a time. 

Status: Blog On

So I know i've been away for awhile and the absence is even starting to get to me. This blog is an  outlet for my everyday nonsensical thoughts, feeling and reflections that I can't (or am unwilling) to readily share with family and friends.  With out journaling I feel sort of cranky and cantankerous because whatever is on my mind feels like it's been stewing in a crockpot too long.

When I started this blog almost 10 years ago, I addressed my concerns about privacy and anonymity head on. I feel comfortable writing freely, honestly and intimately here only because this space is so separate from my real life. My family and friends have no access to this blog, i have used pen names for every person i've written about, and I've had to implement creative licence in splicing events together as to keep my location and real life existence as private as possible. 

Remaining anonymous  for the most part was easier 10 years ago because social media was different 10 years ago. Facebook was a platform only for college students, Myspace was like HUGE and Youtube was an experiment in video sharing that was unheard of. 10 years ago 'sharing' your organic life with your social media one was like the first season of  MTV's The Real World before it got unreal and overproduced and explotive. Social media was a way to share, in the purest sense, your experience with like minded people. 

I think the problem now is that social media has exploded and the idea of sharing your life over the interwebs is as normal as brushing your teeth in the morning. We live in an age of 'oversharing'. I literally read a fb post by someone regarding the number of sexual partners she's had (7) and if that made her a slut (the comments agreed it did not because YOLO. excuse me #YOLO). Oversharing has created a culture where everyone feels inherently connected based on the small insights they get from seeing someone's digital presence on Instagram/ Twitter / Facebook / Youtube / Flickr / Vines/ FourSquare  /Pinterest...I can keep going. 

And I admit I too am guilty of oversharing. I am that annoying person who takes pictures of her food and then instantly has to Instagram it. I'll tag myself when I am out an about at a cool location that I think will make me look interesting and cultured. I love selfies. But in those cases it is because, like most of us, I want to be seen and heard. I want the likes and the affirmation. It's not vain or selfish, it's just being a person. 

However that attention, affirmation and desire to be seen does not apply to this blog. My public self is Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest. My public self is Tumblr and Wordpress. This blog is my Private self and if I can be honest my private self is much more important and invaluable to me. This is not to say the two differ that much, I don't want to give the impression that I am leading too very different lives but  I do not express myself as fluidly in person as I do here. The cure for my anonymity in public is that i never talk about myself; I am a listener, I ask questions to avoid answering them and I dread being seen because I fear criticism and rejection. 

Here, it's different, i've always felt I can write whatever I want, whenever I want without fear. This is the only place I am fearless. And I never expected anyone to ever read this blog and connect with my words and thoughts so much so that you've kept reading. I never thought i'd make such awesome connections with people who I now consider friends. You've always made me feel comfortable sharing my life because it's not an exploitative thing I set out to do and you've respected my privacy all these years.

Obviously this current absence has much to do with a breach in that privacy. While I know no harm was meant by Adrian's comments the fact that we live in a culture  where what I share online gives anyway the audacity to be so crass about it freaks me out. Like a lot. I have not shared anything on this blog with the intent of being entertaining or seeking 'followers' or 'fans' who want some insight into my life. I have not shared anything to gain attention. I continue to share because I have had difficulty connecting my thoughts and feelings cohesively and the only time I am able to do so is when I write. Writing is everything to me. 

So, yea, I am going to give this a shot again but there is obviously an unspoken rule that everything I write here is personal and not to be degraded in any way, shape or form. There are plenty of other blogs and individuals you can read elsewhere who will put up with that shit but I am not one of them. If you have nothing constructive, supportive, helpful to say please just save it for trolling on youtube videos because this is not the space for you. 

For everyone else,who has reached out and wondered how I am doing, I thank you and am always grateful for your support. I'll be back to regularly blogging this week sometime.

Until Then, 

Beckett Amelia Hughes  

Update:

still taking a mini hiatus from blogging. i am torn between making this space private and writing whatever the heck i want without fear or keeping it public but limiting what i can or wish to share. i am a little concerned about privacy but I miss sharing my life. so i'm a little torn as to what to do. Until then, here's a picture of my studio apartment. Making a 'livable' income has allowed me to furnish my first home, which is honestly all i've been up to these days. I think it's adorable and could not resist sharing. 

Until I see you again, 

Beckett

Weekend Goals

Postscript: LIVID!

I love blogging. 
I love writing. 

I love sharing my stories with like minded people. 

The last nine years with Blogger have been incredible and for the most part so have all of you. 

Despite the amount of personal shit I share on this blog I do not and will not tolerate anyone who misrepresents my 'posts' as some perverse insight into my life. And because I am not above making an example out of anyone who crosses that personal boundary, the exchange below (i'm talking to you Adrian with no blog) is an example of what is NOT acceptable on any fucking level.

If you are reading this blog just to get off on some girl sharing her life stories (interesting, embarrassing, and personal) this is not the space for you. I can suggest some other places on the internet where those needs can be meet. I appreciate feedback, I appreciate support and hell I have even requested and then appreciated all the diverse advice handed down to me.

I do not and will not appreciate vulgarity and or insensitivity on anything I post here.

My intention in writing these post is not to amuse or belittle everything that I've gone through and I am not above shutting this blog down to avoid responding to ridiculous ass comments. Moving forward I will blast anyone who takes advantage of my space. This blog encapsulates less than half of what goes on in my life and anyone who thinks my whole life story is represented here needs to move elsewhere for their 'entertainment'.

This is non negotiable. There will not be a second warning. 

~BAH

 adrian said...

It was entertaining to read.

I really liked the shower episode. I can't believe you two didn't fuck there, that would have been a very happy ending, considering you made it seem like you never had a chance with Sean.

6:11 PM

 

 Beckett Amelia Hughes said...

Adrian: Yikes Adrian! first rule of this blog is that my entries aren't 'episodes' or entertaining' fodder. I've had this blog for nine years and the reason I keep it public is because I want to share my experiences with like minded people who are sensitive to the material I post here. Obviously there is a lot of things I leave out for privacy sake so when I do decide to post something it is to relate and share with a community that has been very supportive. Unfortunately I am not too keen on where you're comments are going and I must say that my experiences with Sean, however entertaining they were to read, was a traumatic one and not one i'd expect anyone to talk about so crudely. I am not sure if you are a new reader to this space or someone who normally doesn't comment... I am also not sure if you are being crude on purpose or if you are trying to incite me to make this blog private for readers who can relate and who are not just prodding into some strangers life for giggles... but I do not take lightly to anyone misrepresenting anything I write here. I also do not appreciate any disregard to my life and the stories I wish to share. Sorry buddy, but if that is the reason you are reading this blog, then Everything Was may not be the space for you.

7:09 PM

 

New Girl

Working in retail for as long as I did, I (quickly) got used to new people popping in and out of my 'professional' life on a weekly/ monthly and seasonal basis.  It's the nature of the job to be honest; people  learn whether they have the ability to withstand the environment quickly and when they decide they don't it's usually a quick and sudden exit.

High customer service demand, crappy pay, long hours and often strenuous work is not even the half of what retail workers have to put up with...on a good day and  because of this retail is a place with a high turnover; faces come and go like a revolving door. I've seen a guy quit during his orientation, one girl quit mid shift because she was tired of being on her feet all day and for weeks no one could stop laughing about the cafe server who literally threw his apron off and said 'i'm not doing this shit anymore' as he was ringing up a customer. He then ran out of the store and returned months later to buy a gift for his girlfriend. Needless to say, it was awkward.

The point is I am used to new people and the dynamic one bring to the work place so much so that towards the end of my tenure as a bookseller, I stopped introducing myself to newbies. I am not proud of this but I am not in the business of lying either. This isn't to say that I was downright rude to new employees, I'd smile and introduce myself when a manager brought them around, i'd lie and say ' i was a person they could come to if they ever had questions' and then i'd smile, walk away and never interact with said new person again...unless they proved their staying power.

I was not particularly welcoming to new girls  and new boys i remained distant and aloof towards. On many levels my attitude (which I only displayed during my last year at Le Sad Store) had much to do with the fact that it is very hard to do your job and train a person who may not last that long. The other and main factor however, which maybe no one is proud to admit, is that it's hard to welcome someone into a working social environment that for the most part has been established.

It took about a solid 6 months before I started making friends at the store. The first few months were hard because i didn't want to step on anyone's toes so I remained out of the way for the most part. I ate lunch alone, was really quiet and preferred browsing the aisle's instead of interacting with my co-workers. I eventually carved out my small little group to hang out with but but most of them soon got new jobs and moved. Over time (once I proved I wasn't going anywhere) relationships strengthened, a work flow was established and a routine both socially and 'professionally' just sort of came together. It was great. 6 years later I wasn't the new girl but someone with the job experience to do my job well, a trial and error experience with co-workers until I found 'my crew' and unfortunately the bad habit of being dismissive towards anyone knew who threatened to disrupt what wasn't broke. Sorry New People.

 So from someone who knows the new employee experience from both sides... I get it. I totally get it...being new for the first few months is dreadful...it's difficult...some co-workers will be cold and distant at first...others will be too friendly and informative...things will take time to fall into place. But when they do,  things will be great! I just wish I could skip all of this middle stuff and get to the comfort and enjoyment of not being the new girl.

My first two days at work have been interesting and exciting to say the least. This being my first full time office job I was struck by how on point shows and movies like Office Space and The Office represent the working environment. My company has about 30 employees;  most are about my age and a few are much older. I have my own spacious cubicle located next to Patrica (Trish) where I will eventually work from once I am fully trained. There is a meeting room and lounge area and cafeteria with free coffee.

Like new game introduced to the animal kingdom I was pretty much ogled my first day. Luckily i wore a very cute outfit so i was okay and prepared for the physical assessment.  A handful of people introduced themselves right off the back while others remained at their workspace only to peer over at me like an annoyed Senior in high school having to be nice to Freshman meat. The one's who introduced themselves are super close to Trish so by proxy they were very friendly. They also work in the Support department (which I will be leading) which could also explain the friendliness. The Marketing and Sales department make up the other half of the team and they are the ones who will be hard to impress. They were standoffish and arms crossed but spent most of the day passing my cubicle and peering over my shoulder.

The job itself if pretty doable. It's mainly customer service and editing with a few small marketing responsibilities here and there. I am taking over Trish's job (she got a promotion) and am sort of her impersonal assistant until I can work on my own. She's been training me the last two days but is sort of scatter brain and gets easily distracted. I don't even know how to answer the phone yet which sucks because it rings constantly and will be my main responsibility. I am so used to knowing how to do my job I hate how incapable I am of doing anything at the moment. I have heard the Marketing guys make snide comments about their own assistants who they've had to baby the first few months and that's the last thing I want to do. I pick up things easily and adapt even quicker but at the pace it is taking Trish to train me I look and feel like a cat being dragged on a dog leash.

My obvious concern was that I would get to this job and regret not taking the one around the corner from my house. I am happy to report that that is not the case. While the commute will take some getting used to, I am totally stoked about this job. It offers the social work environment, professional work experience and opportunity for growth on all levels. Plus there are a handful of office cuties which I will just look at but still they are there. I also got my first paycheck this weekend for the two days I worked before the end of the pay period. I literally made two weeks worth of money from the University in two days at this place so guess who can afford cable soon...this girl.

So yea, things are looking up. It's definitely a new situation and I am possibly embarking on a new life but i am excited, a little anxious, hella optimistic and happy. Very happy for the chance to make something out of the opportunity I've been given.

Today's the Day

starting my new job today and there are loads of first day jitters: will I make a good impression on my new co-workers. Is the outfit i choose to wear not office-like enough. Will my sandwich and cheese-it's snack cut it for lunch...shit i don't even have a lunch bag, do people bring a lunch bag to their jobs. Will I like this new gig. Will i hate it and be filled with regret for turning down the other job. Will there be an office cutie i can ogle. Shit, what happens if there isn't an office cutie I can ogle!

But with the handful of first day jitters I am also super excited to start something, anything, new. I do not want to be in a rut anymore. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone. I want to start building something from the ground up rather than taking residence in pre-occupied, and often derelict,  homes. This alone makes me less nervous, even as my legs bounce up and down from nerves while typing this. I am starting something new. New and that has to mean something as far as the universe is concerned. 

~Beckett

P.S. During my new excitement stage I, obviously, update the template for my blog. I've wanted to do so for a while. I am surprised by how much I like the changes. 

If This Were Pretty in Pink...

I am not the greatest decision maker. It's just fact. I have, in the past, mulled over decision for days and weeks before making up my mind and even then I am not 100% sure i've made the right one.

Lately most of my decision making involves food: what do i want to eat for dinner, what should i pack for lunch, should i throw out this stale bread or save it to feed the birds at the pond near my house. And even then, i can't readily decide the best outcome for myself, so instead, i'll go to bed hungry or throw cookies in my sandwich container instead of making lunch or keep the stale bread until their is mold and neither I nor the birds can eat it.

I am terrified of making the wrong choice. I am terrified and yet always filled with regret some how and paralyzing indecision. My mom says it's because I spend to much time with sliding door scenarios. Instead of just accepting the path my decision will take me on and dealing with it as I go along, I consider every minute detail until I have driven myself into a frenzy.

Today has been one of those days.

Two weeks I didn't even have one job offer and today I suddenly two. During my week of job interviews I interviewed for a really small  construction company (6 people in total) that is literally around the corner from my house and that pays significantly more than Justin's GF job. It was long shot that i'd even get this gig because I am super under qualified and I do not have a car (which is something he seemed to stress). The obvious perk was of course the fact there be'd no transportation and the pay was well over my asking price.

He said he would make a decision by the end of the week (last week) but that he liked me and would be in contact as soon as he talked to some other candidates. But then Patricia contacted me and invited me to her office and she was so fucking excited about me working with her and to be honest I was fucking excited as well.

Since quitting Le Sad Store and ending things with Sean my life is pretty depressing these days. The town I live in is adorable but I have not met anyone my age to hang out with and honestly I am sort of seeking companionship. The long-term sort of one. My friend Heather and Kat are the only two people I see/talk to regularly (outside of my mom) and it often feels like I am in seclusion. Kat implemented a pj/movie night at my apartment every Friday which at first was fun until I realized that everyday at my house with or without Kat is pj/movie night. I have no social life, little to no human interactions with peers and the highlight of my week once was that I marathoned a whole season on Law and Order over the weekend never once taking off my pj's.

So while the pay and lack of transportation were appealing at first, I realized the construction job would also in some way enable this solitary existence. I would crawl out of bed, go to work, be in charge of running all the administrative duties of a small company and then return home after an 8 hour day to spend by myself. Kat disagreed of course. She said being close to home would give me more time to do things failing to see that I do not have anyone to do things with. Heather disagreed as well lamenting that I would have money so who the hell cares about being alone.

I did not throw in their faces that they were both born and raised here. That they are surrounded daily by family members, friends and boyfriends. They both live rent free with their significant others and are constantly doing things outside of their job which compensates for how much they both dislike their jobs.  Sure they complain about loneliness as well but I don't think they truly really know what it looks and feels like to be lonely. I sometimes forget what my name sounds like outside of my own voice because no one ever says it. I have gone days without talking to people and when I have reached out I feel pitiful and then pitied.

I guess this is something i have not readily admitted to myself or other people but it is a factor that has made the last few months unbearably sad. Not only do i feel secluded geographically but mentally and emotionally. I miss intimacy and no amount of money can replenish the loss.

So when the job with Patricia opened up I was excited on many levels. I hand't heard back from the construction company yet, there were mad cuties where she works and the salary is exactly what I wanted (minus my traveling expenses of course which would be about 5 dollars a day). But the main factor was that it would allow me to interact socially with a diverse group of people in a new town. Coming home would feel just as so...coming home. Home being a place I enjoy and want to retreat too when the real world hasn't been kind. Lately home has been a jail cell where I return to because I am not fit for human interaction.

There was little to no hesitation when she called a few hours after my interview to offer me the job. Partly out of financially desperation but mainly from the standpoint that I wouldn't be working alone. Since receiving the good news I have been on a high! I finally, after six years, have a full time job! I will soon be able to afford things! I will also be able to make friends! office friends but still friends!

And then....the construction company called this morning, left a voicemail and offered me the higher paying job. I was hoping they wouldn't call so the decision was placed out of my hands but life has a way, even when things are going well, to kick sand in your face.

 I called my mom, I called Heather, I called Kat in a damn near frenzy. I already accepted one job (which I plan to start Thursday) I couldn't suddenly go back on my commitment just because the one that pays more money shows an interest right? Kat and Heather both thought i was crazy for even mulling over the decision: take the one with more money, right around the corner, I [Kat] can now come to  your house right after work because you live down the street and we can watch more tv. I [insert Heather] can now visit you during your lunch break because I work in the same town. But I [insert Beckett] am not quite convinced that more money will make up for how unhappy I am. Sure it will allow me to buy more things and come home super early after work...but that's it. That's all. And at the end of the day that is the last thing I want.

The construction job is the Blaine to Patricia's Duckie job (pretty in pink reference to anyone who hasn't seen it but seriously everyone has seen this movie right). And while Molly Ringwald eventually choose Blaine, I'd rather take my chance on Duckie, just for now you know. With this being my first real full time job where I will regardless make more money than I ever have I also want the perk of meeting people.

For love or money I have surprised myself by recognizing I am a person who prefers love over the luxury of money. And in this case 'love' is possibility. It is risk. It is choosing my needs over my wants.

Birthday Miracle.

I have been a little mum on my financial situation these last few months because honestly I didn't want to jinx it and make it any worse than it is. I was fearful that even talking about how broke I was (am), how many bills I have forgone paying (except rent clearly) and how little food I have been eating was not something I wanted to put out in the atmosphere because I didn't want karma to have it all blow back in my face ten-fold because you know, life likes to kick you when you are down.

Honestly though, since December I have been living paycheck to paycheck...even tho my paychecks barely cover rent. This is literally the broke-st I have ever been in my whole life and I once lived off of 7.75 minimum wage at the library job when I was in college, so i know what broke looks and feels life.

I can't say my current lack of money has anything to do with quitting Le Sad Store but it did a little. Even though I only worked there two nights a week and I would bring home about $100 the cushion was nice. The hemorrhaging of money began with the big move in October, which led to money having to be spent on transportation (which never was an issue before) and now that I have a kitchenette the amount of food I spend on groceries has been in play concluding with my general cost of living...I simply don't make enough money at the University alone to pay for my life expenses.

The biggest issue has been the job at the University which recently cut the hours of all part time employees because the school is on the brink of bankruptcy. Instead of being able to work 30 hours a week we can only work max 20 hours, but that was the max was the best case scenario , since the cut and the snow days I probably work 15 hours a week and two weeks ago I only made $266 for the pay period. I may have cried so much I turned into a puddle for everyone to trek their soles through. It was depressing.

I immediately amped up my job search and got lost in the dark twisted world of temp agencies, job hunting websites and craigslist (which is an entity of it's own). For anyone who hasn't faced the desperation of job seeking, I will tell you quite painfully..it is the fucking pits. I'd wake up and apply to jobs, I'd search for listings on my phone on my way to work, i'd get to work and search and apply and repeat this process until my shift ended. Then, i'd go home to search and apply until I fell asleep. I spent 3 miserable weeks doing this, only to get less than a handful of interested employers.

And the few places I did apply to were great but fell through quickly:

there was an opening at the University for a full time job, in the city, with a bunch of job and fun employees (before my interview began, i heard someone crank up the radio because R.E.M was playing). I was probably older than the guy who interviewed me and we were both very informal and enthusiastic about me joining the department. But then he broke the bad news towards the end of my interview. The job's starting salary was less than my asking price (by like 10k) and while I was a shoe-in for the job he wanted to make sure I would be okay with the pay and having to commute to the city. Of course, I joyously replied that I would make it work because I wanted nothing more than to stay with the university. We shook hands and he walked me to the door and said he was looking forward to working together.

As soon as I got home I crunched numbers and realized I would not be able to live off of the salary and instead would be paying the University to work there. My paychecks per pay period would roughly be around $400 dollars ( 2 paychecks per month) and to put things in to perspective traveling to Manhattan per month alone is $436. While I was desperate and had no other prospects I emailed the interviewer and told him I could not accept the job offer but was grateful for the opportunity.

THEN, I had an interview with a publishing company in the city. My brief stint in publishing was not a great one. I love reading, I love writing but I simply have no interest of working in publishing.  Unfortunately, my degree and retail experience is tailored for the industry. I ended up finding a job at a small publishing company that was seeking a web savvy and adorable receptionist...and who else could fulfill the position but me. I interviewed with some awesome ladies and made an adorable impression on several of the employees (it involved me struggling to open the main door to the building, which lead to concern looks but eventual help from some of the staff smoking cigarettes outside). Before the interview ended they asked me for 3 references that they could contact. I scribbled down two of my current managers and then my friend Heather (who has helped me out so much with everything this past year). I placed Heather's name on the top of the list, hoping they'd call her and then left the interview feeling super confidant so much so that i spent the rest of the afternoon in the city hitting up comic book shops and flirting with booksellers.

But silence followed said awesome interview. No request for a second interview, no phone call, no rejection letter,  just nothing. I was so confidant that i'd gotten the job and so elated from the feeling of a new start that realizing I hadn't gotten it hurt. I just didn't understand why it didn't work out. A few weeks later my current boss called so we could go over some job related things. Before he hung up, he asked "do you know a woman named [insert interviewers name] she called a few weeks asking if I could provide some info on you but I was nervous it was a scam so I pretended like i didn't know who you were or what she was talking about". My heart freaking sank. He knew I was job hunting but he didn't necessarily know where or when and I made the mistake of thinking they would call Heather instead of my manager.

I slowly tried to recover from the setback but nothing clicked. I got a few calls from hiring agencies that all promised awesome opportunities to work in finance which only convinced me they hadn't properly reviewed my resume which showed little to no experience or interest in finance. I applied to several part time jobs in my neighborhood because of my eagerness to work anywhere but they were all looking for high school or college students..not me.

The week before my birthday my luck turned around, I got 5 interviews out of the 40 jobs I applied to and I spent 5 days talking about my self to various employers. It was rough.

One of the jobs i interviewed for was with a girlfriend of a friend who basically contacted me via facebook and told me there was an opening at her job and she wanted me to apply so we could work together. She used to work at Le Sad Store and dates my close friend Justin (they were the couple who threw the Halloween party where I learned all the crazy shit about Sean from his cousin). She is sort of quiet and withdrawn but super nice and every time there is a group outing she and Justin attend.  I wouldn't call us friends but she is definitely someone who I get along with and could become friends with down the line. Because we border on the friend/ associate border I was a little confused by her offer and general excitement to interview me (yes! she was the one giving the interview). So I took off from work, trekked to this lavish building and sort of hung out with her for a good 40 minutes while she went over the job and what i'd be doing.

She spoke as if the job was already mine and I asked questions as if the job was mine as well. I couldn't imagine her asking me to apply and interview with her only to be turned down for the job. That would be weird and insulting right, like dangling food in front of a starving person. Towards the end of the interview she admitted that she had interviewed a few other people but did not like them, obviously, as much as me but that ultimately she would not be the decision maker in who gets hired. She also added "so please don't hate me if you don't get hired. I really want you to get the job but my boss pretty much decides". She walked me to the elevators and then gave me a big ass hug and  I left sort of confidant but also pretty sure i'd have to move back to South Carolina if I didn't get this job.

As soon as I got home and undressed I got a text from Justin's GF "i have great news...call me back". Two minutes later she giggly said the job was mine if wanted it because her boss felt confidant with whomever she, Patricia, wanted to hire. And with that I now officially have a new job with benefits that pays well and I don't even have to work on the weekends.

I start this Thursday (current boss, perhaps feeling guilty for the reference fumble so he was okay with me starting the new job sooner than usual) and am nervous but also very excited. I have never had a full time job before. I have also never had money, livable or disposable income. I have had such a shit year I wanted nothing more than to enter my 29th one with a renewed sense of possibilities. And all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere I have been given one. It feels strange and odd and yet necessary like the more I distance myself from the missteps of Sean and Le Store and my old apartment and the endless tears the better the outcome for my life.

At least that is what i hope. So yay! I hope this trend of good news continues. I could seriously use a break and a change for once.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!

Just got offered a full time job!!!!!!!

My birthday is this Sunday and honestly I am not in the best celebratory moods.

All i want is a new job. A new job. A new job. For my 'birfday'. It would change my life in so many ways.

Please send all your positive energy my way to make my one and only birthday wish come true this year.

It'd mean the world.

Yours.

Beckett Amelia Hughes

Aging Up.

I am not a person who worries much about getting older. I enjoy it actually. When I was kid, the idea of being an adult was exciting, and even now though their are aspects of adulthood I absolutely loath, I think age, like wine, is something that gets better over time.

This doesn't mean that I don't freak out from time to time when I evaluate where I am in life in relation to my age. My friend recently turned 30 and weeks before her birthday she was damn near in tears talking about the big 3-0. There is this stigma that you should have shit figured out by then: a stable career, a solid relationship, ownership of your life in some drastic way. It doesn't help that most of my friends are currently around the same age as our parents were when they were having us. Which in some weird way makes us feel older

Because the last few months have been challenging I must admit that while I don't think I will ever fear the hand of time creeping up on me, I do hear it ticking from time to time, like the sound of a harmless fly trying to escape an enclosed space. In less than 3 weeks I will be 29 years old and I can't escape the fact that where I am at in life now is not where I saw myself at 29.

Since the big move and subsequently quitting Le Sad Store I have found myself in a weird place. I am suddenly as poor as I was when I first moved to New York six years ago. I am barely making enough money to pay rent and feed myself, I love my new place but it doesn't really feel like home yet and I miss my old life. I miss it in some weird Stockholm syndrome way. It's illogical i know, and even as I write this I know I do not miss much about working two jobs, never having the weekends off, crying every night because of Sean, living in someone else's house and sharing a bathroom. But as I am struggling to adjust to my new life it's fear of the unknown that  makes me nostalgic.

As soon as I moved to my new place I knew I was going to have to get a new job ASAP. At the time I was only working 2 or 3 shifts a week at the store and wasn't pulling in much money anyway. Combined with having to pay for transportation I figured it would be a good job to quit the store which I have wanted and needed to do for sometime. I was banking on acquiring a full time position at the university soon after to cover my living expenses.

In December I interviewed for and was about to get a full time job at the University until an email was sent out soon after winter break explaining that due to budgeting issues (a loss of 2 million dollars) a temporary hiring freeze would be in effect to any and all jobs that were not filled before break. My job, my relief from the storm, was one of them. To say I was crushed would be an understatement. I do not like being broke. I hate it. I loathe it actually. I have never been well off but I am not used to not being able to afford basic things. It's fucking depressing.

Since November my mom has been helping me out financially so I can look for a job and not worry so  much about money woes and while I am grateful I also feel incredibly guilty. I am still at the University but only part time and my love of this place has turned into resent in some way. It's an amazing place to work if you are a full time employee, if you are part time you are wasting your breath unless you have another job. Going back to Le Sad Store part time has never been an option. I filed a complaint against the new manager for sexual harassment (he didn't harass me but was making sexually explicit comments to other employees who came to me to complain) and while the claims were backed up he has yet to be fired and I refuse to work for him.

While I usually function best with a little stress nipping at me, this current stress is taking it's toll. I am unhappy. Miserable if i can be honest and it doesn't help that in a few weeks I will be another year older and for this first time in my life I feel like i have nothing to show for it. I don't have a career, I don't have companionship, i barely have friends and I cannot support myself.  I want to stop missing Sean. I want to a full time job with benefits. I want to be able to buy my mom actual presents this year instead of the i.o.u sentimental cards she has had to put up with. I want a new life and at the same time I don't think I want to be an adult anymore. Being an adult is too hard. Just too hard.

I write this only to vent of course. I have this unending belief that things will get better eventually, I just need that eventually to be today.

Le sigh.

Weekenders

I'm still adjusting to weekends off. But I can't lie, not having to go a work when it snows on the weekend is perfection. Just perfection.

Most Unpopular Girl in the Room.

I was never one for senior superlatives....but right now if one were assigned to me I think it would be that one. Le Fucking Sigh.

The last few weeks it feels like I have stepped into a time machine that has transported me back a time where I a) had little to no friends b) felt lonely and depressed and c) found comfort only under the safety of blankets because no one loves me and I am destined to die alone. Okay Most Likely to Exaggerate Feelings may also be a superlative I would win. But seriously the times are circa 2006 right now and I no likey.

I do not know what is going on in my life at the present moment. Not too long ago I was a person with friends, a social life, a disastrous but still discussion worthy 'un-romance'. I was worried about there not being enough time to tackle things. I'd sleep late and wake early. I had two jobs that kept me busy. I had concrete plans. And a cat named Memo. I was social and useful and while things weren't great I sure as hell was distracted.

The last few months have been very different from the one I once knew and I am not sure I am handling these changes well. The move into my new place was necessary and for the most part i love it. The privacy is awesome. The space is incredible. And not having to share a bathroom is the best! I've been sharing one for the last 28 years and suddenly I have one all to myself. I can take baths for as long as I want without someone knocking on the door.

I live in a college town maybe 10-15 minutes from where I used to live but without a car I often feel secluded from things. New York is a strange place; I am a bus ride away from one of the most populated areas in my county and yet my actual town feels small. It is the Stars Hollow of the tri state area with it's quaint and picturesque surroundings. But I am sort of stuck in this truly adorable town without any friends to explore it with most of the time because I am still adjusting. It's kind of depressing.

Speaking of friends: outside of Kat I am starting to believe I do not have many 'friends' left. I kid you not. Working at Le Sad Store was awesome because I was able to interact and form bonds with people on a weekly basis without having to put in much of an effort. Work became a hangout place where all my social needs were met. It was much easier to plan things around a bunch of people getting off work at the same time and desiring to have fun. But since I quit Le Sad Store I have not really dropped by mainly based on my own experiences with seeing old co-workers stopping in for the awkward 'so, what's new' spiel. Which seriously is the pits.

 Plus many of the people who I was close to aren't there anymore. Some how I thought it would still  be easy to maintain those friendships despite everything. But apparently I was wrong. Either I misjudged my closeness with a lot of people or I am just not as popular as I'd like to think. Maybe both. I sort of put myself in this position if I can be honest. Sean and Kat were the two people who i exerted all my real energy on but my dynamics with both were so differently socially. And of course now so is my relationship.

No one really liked Sean at Le Sad Store. He was a domineering presence who was cocky and moody as fuck but people tolerated him because of my closeness to him (and because he had a car). In classic form once our 'un-romance' feel apart and he joined the Navy I retained all of our friends but i realized I wasn't super close to them based on mutual interest, I was close to them because Sean liked to be entertained and to make him happy I made sure to be game for any asinine activity he wanted to engage in but could not handle doing by himself. Or more importantly that he wouldn't have been invited to engage in without me. Once he left so did my desire to participate in those things anymore and eventually people seem to have just stopped inviting me to do them.

On Kat's end I am the Jan Brady to her Marci. I often feel like her less attractive, less interesting sidekick that is often only required to supply comic relief. While Kat and I generally have the same friends I am never really asked to hang out with any of them unless Kathleen has been asked too as well. The last party we went to I was talking to a mutual friend for a solid hour at the bar. The conversation was lively and fun and Kathleen was not even within earshot of us. Before getting up to leave said friend said 'this has been really great, we definitely need to hang out soon...make sure to bring Kathleen with you'. This was not the first time someone has said this to me. I am certain it will not be the last either.

So now that we both do not work at Le Sad Store my worst fears have suddenly been confirmed. While Kat still remains in touch with a bunch of 'our' friends who want to catch up with her and hang out...I have not received the same response. We'll be hanging out and she'll comment on a text she just received from a mutual friend about establishing plans and they will mention me in passing 'oh, and tell Beckett I said hi", as my phone idly sits there with no calls, texts or even messages. What's even more depressing is in some cases my presence seems not as important. It does not matter if I miss an outing as long as Kat is there.

Last week we both got sick on a day we were supposed to hang out with a bunch of people from Le Sad Store. Leading up to the outing, my presence was a hit or miss. I was expected to show up but like most things it wouldn't be the end of the world...if i didn't. So when we both got sick leading up to the actual day my feelings were mixed. I felt guilty for not going but then not really sure if any would miss my absence. That night Kat received condolences and 'get well soon' messages for not being able to make it  (which she had no problem relaying/texting to me as I lay dying). I on the other hand was chastised for being selfish and possibly exaggerating how awful I felt to get out of the outing. Yep. No condolences, not get well soon...just a 'all of a sudden ure sick? mkay".

I am trying to keep my head and spirits up despite how awful things are and how bad I feel. I just need things to get better so that I can feel less despondent and depressed. My days consist of work, which is still only part time, and home. Both do not require much activity or socializing. Both are not satisfying either. I've hit this weird spot and age where I have no idea how to make things better or what exactly would make them better but I worry about being in this funk, friendless, love-less, unsatisfying disposition any longer than necessary.

It Went Away

Thanks to Life continuing to test my resolve (and fucking patience), I spent the whole weekend home sick with the Flu.

Every year Kat and I complain that we don't have any pictures of us together. As Bff's "there is something wrong with the fact that we have no documentation of our unadulterated  love' So on New Years Day (after I spent the night before crying over Sean), Kat and I went ice skating, marathoned The Affair (if there is one show you watch this year, please let it be this one), ate a butt load of junk food and decided we should take a series of selfies. Our last attempt at a selfie was three years ago on a hot summer day in Brooklyn. We were both sick and depressed and looked uncomfortable and sweaty in the picture. Needless to say this is not a picture we particularly like to look at or share with others.

This year we wanted to correct our selfie fail and after a few decent shots (and great lighting) she finally got a picture of us where we didn't look sickly or deeply depressed, which honestly these days is a look we pull off pretty well.

Unfortunately Kat didn't realize she was carrying the plague during our photo op and over the weekend she showed flu like symptoms. I of course wasn't too worried when she complained of feeling ill because I'm the person who usually gets sick well after everyone else. While I am not immune to getting sick I have been known to catch things weeks/months after everyone else. So needless to say I thought I was in the clear.

But then Thursday came around, the day that will forever be known as the "day i thought i was dying'. Or more accurately 'the day i got the flu but thought i was dying because I am dramatic' And while I love Kat to death I do believe I caught it from her during the hour it took us to properly take a selfie. I want to go down in history as the first person to contract the flu from being adorable with her best friend. Happens to the best of us, I guess.

Today was my first day out in the real world since contracting the bug and I do believe I have made a huge mistake in leaving the house. While i feel scores better than lastThursday (which included: vomiting, headache, fever and chills, aches and general pains) I do not believe I am well enough to be outside. I may have worn pajama's to work. I definitely did not brush my hair and I have faked sobbed more times than I can count because I just want to go home. Why is it not time to go home yet.

I will say that out of this sickness I did do a very brave thing. I FINALLY deleted/blocked Sean, his parents, his fiance and his fiance's mom from facebook. I should have done this back in May when he got engaged. I should have done this back in June when he told me I was immature and needed to grow up (yes a motherfucker did). I should have done this in July when his father and dad kept updating me about his deployment. But I didn't because  I believed I could be his 'friend' despite everything. I believed maybe there was still something left between us worth salvaging.

We resumed email exchanges and contact in  October. Nothing dramatic or noteworthy but it did occur. His emails were florid with rich phrases and grandiose language. He wanted us to talk more. He would read everything i sent him with care and consideration. He looked forward to seeing me in January. He got me sand. And it is not that I believed that he had miraculously become a better person due his time at sea, I just wanted to believe that he was capable of change and maybe that person could be someone I could have in my life.

But then I caught him in a lie. A small but very annoying lie and had it been any other person I would have been able to look past it. But the lie reinforced that Sean can and will never be a person who deserves to be in my life. He is a liar. He is a cheater and worse he is delusional. More delusional than I thinking we could ever have a healthy and loving relationship. So before Thanksgiving I told him i didn't want to be his friend anymore. I wrote him an email where I I told him that I did not think he was capable of being a good person to me. I let him 'have it' so to speak and he responded with such disregard to how he treated me it only fueled my rage:

"you are a grown adult woman and you know what it is you want and I will not be contrary toward you in that way....I will always care about you because I am a human being with a conscience and i generally enjoy being a good person....your last email made me sad because it seems you are under the impression that I am no more than what you think of me....there is much more to you than what I or anyone else could think, and the same is true of every human being...".

Yep. This was his response. It couldn't have been any more impersonal.

This of course did not stop him from sending me messages through facebook: Happy Thanksgiving. Merry Chrsitmas. Happy New Year which all went unanswered by me.

And then he came home for 11 days and while I wasn't expecting much from him..I still expected something, I guess. I deserved to be acknowledged, which i know sounds crazy and stupid because I voiced my sincere interest in not being his friend, but after everything I did for him, going to Chicago being one of the biggest things. I wanted him to grovel.  It's hard to explain, But I wanted him to be accountable for how horrible he treated me.

I wanted him to call. I wanted him to text. I wanted him to want to see me because I deserved at least that. In return I wanted to be in a position where I got to deny him. Where I got to decide if he was worth seeing and hearing and feeling. But he wasn't even man enough to give me that. Not really anyway. He sent me that annoying facebook message and then failed to get back to me. He once again dangled something in front of me without having any intentions of following through. He just wanted to be seen and heard. He did not put my feelings into consideration. He was a coward.

So this weekend I took the first step in distancing myself from Sean and I erased him from my digital life. I blocked his dad, his mom, his fiance, his fiance's mom and finally i blocked Sean. Having access to him digitally (and vice versa) was stressing me out. So while I only had enough energy for sleep and more sleep this weekend thanks to the Flu, I took a few minutes between vomiting and dying and decided that I couldn't put myself through this thing with Sean anymore.

I flew all the way to Chicago to share a very special life event with him and he couldn't even visit me while he was home on Leave for two weeks. There is a special place in hell for someone like that.

Despite my righteous indignation over this recent and perhaps finale insult, I will have a hard time accepting that I was wrong about a boy i loved so dearly. Because I did love Sean. I am not above admitting this and I want to make that clear to myself. I did love Sean, maybe for all the wrong reasons but I loved him. I didn't date in high school or college. I was not a girl boys eagerly gave attention to. I am pretty. I am nice. I am funny. But socially I am in a place where that has not gotten me far romantically. I am still too unconventional. I am still very hard to get to know. And my relationship with Sean was a first in a lot of ways.

He became important during a time when i was fractured and that too will be hard to reconcile. I was so angry when Marie died and for some reason it was easy to fall on Sean during this time. He was hard and lacked empathy and just allowed me to express anger like I have never been able to do. And when I was angry and jaded Sean was the only person I wanted and could relate to.

I think the problems began when I started to stitch myself together again. My anger was slowly replaced with a desire to love and be loved and while I cannot speak for Sean I think he started to care about me unexpectedly and so suddenly that it scared the shit out of him. It terrified him. It terrifies him. And this is not said lightly. Everyone who has heard about my situation with Sean has of course revealed their own story of the 'sociopath ex' who used, abused and dumped them. The boy or girl who treated them like shit and deserves a permanent spot in hell. And while those stories are very familiar to my own, I do believe that Sean loved me but just didn't know how to. Or if what he felt was risk losing what he was comfortable with.

Again this is all speculation. I can't and will not speak for him. I still think he is the worst human being I have ever known. I am still too hurt and upset by everything that happened. I regret that we both weren't a little braver. But I do not regret my decision to cease all contact with him. I can't let someone continue to let me down as if i am something less than human. 

It Never Goes Away

It's 7 degrees outside. 7 whole degrees. I wish this was an exaggeration but winter, which seriously took a fucking holiday in December, is here with a vengeance.

The new year so far has not been kind to me. I spent the holidays too broke to buy anyone anything and alone in my new apartment because I had no place else to go. I then spent the new year too broke to go anywhere and also very much alone. Okay I wasn't alone. Kat and I went ice skating and went to the movies and then fretted about our fears about the new year. But sometimes even when you are around people you can feel alone, especially when that someone is your best friend.

I was preemptively optimistic about the new year since last year was such a fucking mess. For a brief moment I felt like i could put the last year behind me with, i don't know, ease and grace. I thought i'd be able to shelve everything in a box labeled "the year of disappointment' and hide it out of sight and out of mind.

But luck is never really on my side. It is always there. It never goes away. The pain. The disappointment. The anger. The humiliation. The sadness. It never goes away, no matter how far I hide the box. It never goes away really.

Sean is in town for 11 days. I found out via his father who sent me a fb message. I spent a week ignoring all of his posts about being home and the pictures of him and his fiance (sporting a shiny new ring). I ignored the ache in my belly. I ignored the stab in my chest. I ignored the weight of what feels like the world on my shoulder. But more importantly I ignored Sean because the boy likes to throw out bait knowing I will grab for it.

Perhaps because of this he messaged me on Sunday telling me he was home 'until the 11th if i wanted to see him at all'. The tone was incredulous. Like how dare i not acknowledge him being in town. How dare I let the days go by without even saying hello. How dare I... his undesirable girl not reach out to him. How dare I.

So i sat there paralyzed in front of the message. i cried for hours. I cried into a ball. I cried until everything hurt. I felt possessed with tears and weight. I cried and then i wanted to die. Not actual death but evaporation. I wanted to evaporate and vanish into nothingness. It is what he makes me feel like nothing. Absolutely nothing.

How is it possible for one person to make me feel so awful about my own existence. Why does he still have this profound affect on me. Though my response, yes there was a response, was very blase there was a part of me that desired an eagerness from him to see me. There may always be a part of me that wants some sort of explanation as to why he choose to treat me so poorly.

I feel pathetic. I am depressed. I am also now very fucking sick because of the weather and perhaps because of disappointment. I want to die. Not actual death. But i want to evaporate into nothingness. Absolute nothingness where that pain is dulled at least.

Marie's birthday is this Saturday.

She would have turned 29.

As of last Wednesday I am no longer an employee at Le Sad Store. I seriously thought I would never ever get to say those words out loud. It still feels pretty weird.

My decision to quit was a long time coming of course. Since I started working there six years ago (yep six whole years!) i have hated my job in retail. Were it not for the friends I made I would have burned out from that job a lot sooner than I did. It has taken me some time to realize that a place does not make a home. Because my family moved often I can't say I have ever felt an attachment to a place. I used to believe I did. I used to believed I had a fondness for towns and houses or apartments or buildings because they held memories.

But now that I am older I think that fondness had more to do with the people who inhabited those places. It was more of a right time, right place sort of thing not so much the places themselves, you know.  And that's what Le Sad Store was for me. I was attached to the people more-so than the job or my position. Because if I can be honest the job effing blows and being a bookseller made me quite the shitty reader. And towards the end I wasn't even a great employee. I wasn't terrible, I showed up, helped customers, cleaned up but I spent more time hanging out in aisles or the back of the store or even the break room. I was never where i was supposed to be because helping customers was the least of my concerns.

I only looked forward to going to work because my friends were there. The work itself was too demanding for how little we were paid and I fear I will always twitch when I pass a Le Sad Store. Anyway, after Sean and Kat left I really didn't have any other reason to stick around. I only worked two nights a week and now that I live in a different town the commute was ridiculous. I am still trying to get use to public transportation (until i can afford a car) but I will never get used or comfortable to take the bus home at 11pm with a series of sketchy men and women on their way home. Google the song "freak comes out a night". That song represents my adventures on public transportation at night. Hilarious and scary.

I was tempted to stay on seasonally to reap the benefits of my employee discount around Christmas time but the store got a new store manager who i refused to work for. Ever. He has hit on every girl/woman who works there and uses his large size to intimidate anyone who seems uncomfortable with his sexual advances. While I am small in stature I do not put up with rapey vibes from people in power and gave him as much attitude as I could without getting fired. On my last night I reported him, anonymously, to our company, you know as a parting gift, by  writing a scathing email about the store manager and his sexual harassment of his female employees.

I then cat-walked out of the store forever with dramatic music playing in the background and smoke emanating from the shelves. Like the boss ass bitch i am....okay my actual exit wasn't that dramatic but it should have been. I actually limped out (i sprained my ankle two weeks ago) while my co-workers wished me the best of luck and encouraged me to visit when i can.

While I am more than happy with my decision to quit, I must admit adjusting to life without the memories of that place is weird. A year ago my days revolved around when I was going to be at the store. Now, my current day to day routine involves waking up at 8 so that i can shower, eat, watch tv before I need to catch the shuttle at 10:30 that drives me to work. The shuttle only makes a few runs from the Undergrad campus to the Grad campus daily so I have to catch this bus even though I don't start my shift until 1.

I get to school, hang out in the library for an hour and then eat lunch; which i now bring from home like some weird adult, because eating from the cafeteria is expensive and I need to save money. After my lunch is consumed I start my four hour shift at work which, if we aren't busy, usually involves listening to pod casts or writing silly stories. I catch the bus after 5pm and head home to clean, read and prepare for the next day. I talk and text, I make myself dinner, check messages and email, and settle down in my jammies so I can marathon Cupcake Wars on Netflix until i fall asleep. It's oddly domestic.

Don't get me wrong, my new found domesticity excites me. I am still very much a social person. I hang out with friends and have plans and am enjoying my life and independence. I am excelling at weekends and activity...the week days, not so much. This year has been nothing like the previous one and I marvel at what a difference a whole year has made. I am not lonely but some times I feel more alone this year than I have since Marie passed away. The chaos and noise was a distraction and I am beginning to miss distraction in favor of this slight isolation.

I know that things are a million times better than they have been. I continue to be excited over my small triumphs and successes. I love living on my own and the responsibility that comes with it. I got a minor cold this weekend and instinctively went to the medicine cabinet for drugs. Of course because I am use to things just being there when I need it, I was confused and shocked to realize that my medicine cabinet was empty of anything useful so I had to go to the super market and stock up on medicine. I've never done that before!

While I am not trying to measure the experiences against each other, I am aware of them. Every freaking day. And a huge part of my life was that store and now, that too, is gone. I have outgrown it like i seem to be outgrowing a lot of things.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween! I plan on spending the bulk of Halloween at home watching horror movies and eating pizza. Kat and I planned to go to the city to attend the parade but I sort of chickened out last minute. Because Halloween in on a Friday this year I can't imagine being in the city with barely dressed men and women until 2 in the morning. I am simply not about that life.

Recently I got furniture for my apartment: a couch. some end tables. and a tv stand. and my 'home' is becoming the comfy place of my dreams. While i could go to a Halloween party tonight or attend a 12 hour horror movie marathon at the indie theater near house...this year I kind of prefer to celebrate the Halloween as I used to:  alone with my movies and at home.

The last few weeks have been physically and emotionally exhausting. Don't get me wrong I've had fun in between but i am looking forward to the next few days of rain and home life.

I hope everyone has a delightful and fright-free Halloween.  

Never Gonna Change

I expect to get some very heated opinions about the questions I am about to pose...but I need advice. Actual, serious, taken out of context, life advice. And though I have gotten plenty of it on the subject ... I guess I just need one final one. And i don't know, I could use perspectives outside of my own or my moms or Kat's. I could use advice from everyone who has knows the emotional context rather than the physical one. I need advice and I don't know who else to go to or if there is any one I can go to who would understand better than you.

No matter how much I claim to be an pessimist, I will always have this thought/assumption/desire/hope that people can change. I will. I do. Despite everything life has shown me I am unable to shake this assumption. I know this because I have changed. I find myself changing constantly and for the better i hope. I am not who I was when I moved here 6 years ago. The girl I knew before Marie died and the girl I am today are different. I am more assertive and take more risks. I am a little jaded and distant. I crave experiences...I welcome change.

What I will never know is if these changes are a result of grief or a result of getting older. I feel they will forever be intertwined. I miss Marie everyday, I miss the girl i was when she was alive. But i admit that I knew the exact moment when i began changing and adapting to to life without her. It was a swift decision as not to drown in my grief. I wanted to distance myself from it and it became easy to do when I distance myself from the girl i was when she was here.

I know about change. I am not an expertise in it but i am definitely a product of it. So I know that people are capable of change; good or bad. They are capable. I know this much to be true. I deal with it every day.

Because this belief is such a core part of me...I am conflicted about Sean's desire to re-establish communication all of a sudden (do not make that face, lol, what else did you think i was going to discuss). Worst, because it is under the pretense that he is 'a changed man' his words not mine.

 Let me sum up the last few weeks: Sean contacted on FB because he finally received my birthday card. After ignoring his repeated messages for a week I curtly replied: glad you got your card. take care. He said he was going to send me a long email the following weekend to, idk, thank me or talk.

I of course held some hope his email would say something like: i'm a stupid motherfucker who doesn't deserve to know you but I am reaching out because  you were the best person I have ever known and I fucked up royally. I know this does not change anything but i will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't treat you as well as you treated me.

Or something like that. Just saying. A girl can dream.

Of course his email, like him, was underwhelming. He spent the bulk of it talking about himself and life at sea. He brought up things from the past that I once found funny. He mentioned some things that I posted on fb and concluded the email with this:

I hope that we’ll talk more as time goes by. I will always respond to anything you send me, and I will also take the initiative and write you as often as I can. Take care and enjoy life. It passes by so quickly and yet also at a snail’s pace. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you in January, Beckett.

Love,

Sean

Don't even get me started on how cliche and grandiose it all sounds. I am fully aware. I wasn't going to write him back but after talking to Heather, one of my more practical friends, i decided responding back firmly might be better than ignoring him. I spent a few days penning the email and my words. I talked little of my life. Told him a lot has changed and concluded with this gem:

..you didn't have time for me in your life or more importantly to be apart of mine. That is why I've been hesitant about this recent communication. I have made space and time for those who can offer it back. I want you to know that I am not about bullshit or dishonesty these days. I have no patience for disrespect or disregard.  I have cut people and things out of my life that cannot support my desire to be happy or to offer it in return. I am safeguarding my happiness with barbed wire and I don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s something we can’t offer each other. I will never be ready to share my experiences and growth and life and stories with you as my friend if it is something you can‘t offer back. This is something that is not negotiable in my life.

Take Care,

Beckett

His response...

I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious points of your email, Becks. I read everything, and how I respond is thusly: I will write to you as often as I receive word from you, and I am sorry for the negative aspects of 'radio silence' thus far. I leave the rest up to you.

Not everything with me and you has to be a negotiation, but I’m glad you still keep it real. Stay comfy and cozy and enjoy your life. Also make room for jars of sand and rocks, if you still want sand and rocks.

Take care,

Sean

That was 12 days ago. I have not responded in 12 days. My relationship with Sean often feels like we are playing a game of Chess but neither of us are very good at it. The only thing we excel at is the part where we wait patiently for the other person to make a move (however poor that move is) and now it is my turn.

Right off the back, I am offended by how contradictory he sounds: i'll take initiative only if you give me permission. I am sorry for the radio silence but how and if we talk is up to you. And most importantly...the assumption that I want to see him or his stupid sand/rocks in January. Where the hell get that idea from.

In the few and limited communication we have had I get this impression that he is trying to convince me he is new and improved. That three months at sea has reduced him to a full fledged, respectable human being. That whoever he was, he isn't now and I should be open to this new and improved version of Sean; Sean 2.0  

But this is where the advice giving part comes in. Because while the big rational part of me is saying "Sean is full of shit" and I need to eliminate him from my life the other part of me knows that people are capable of change. I know this. I have seen it. But when it comes to this boy at this particular time in my life, it is not something i can believe or accept as fact.

In my heart I do not believe he is capable of being a good person or man. I am not swayed by whatever has transpired at Sea. I imagine that he is lonely and bored which makes him desperate for attention and affirmation. I know on a ship full of sailors much younger and/or much older than him that he is alone. He is without people telling him how great and awesome and funny he is. Even if they are lying.

But is this just jaded Beckett talking? Is this the girl who did not get picked, talking? Without invalidating all the fucked up shit he has done is there no question in anyone's mind, including my own that Sean is always going to be...you know, Sean. A person with questionable morals. A cheater. A liar. A Manipulator. A fucking psycho. Because this is who I know. This is who, in my mind he is always going to be. And while I know I can be a hard ass. While I know that I am not always so forgiving of those who fault me, I have given Sean more than enough opportunities to be a better person. Because maybe that is what (good) change is about; not being new but being a better version of yourself.

So maybe the question I am asking myself (and you) is...has Sean changed? Can he 'be better' And if so, does it matter? Does it matter?

I am 95% sure that the answer is no. Sean hasn't changed. Sean will never change. And unfortunately his best self is a let down. Always a let down. He is a person capable of hurting someone he claims to love. He is above all a liar to others and himself.

I struggle every day to realize that I deserve more. I obviously have self worth/esteem issues and have equated the many losses of my life as failures to sustain relationships. The hardest thing i have learned so far is that love is not enough. It doesn't make people stay. It doesn't save lives. It doesn't make you the victor in loving someone. It is great and all encompassing. It is a pleasure to give and receive but it is not enough. Not all the time.

 And i have often thought this means that I am not enough. That I am not deserving of this great elusive happiness. Have no fear I am slowly working my way out of this black and white thinking. I have to tell that nagging voice to quiet and let me breathe. And i do not believe now that Sean could offer that to me-happiness. I did once, not too very long ago, because i didn't know any better but I know better now.  My relationship with Sean was personified by that personal fear. He gave me the attention and surface affection I have never felt like I deserved and though it fed his ego it also. more aptly, satisfied my loneliness.

 Because I was lonely. I am sometimes more alone than I like to admit. I worry about this sometimes. And I just want to make sure this doesn't influence what Sean is trying to sell. Because even when I entertain the other 5% of Sean's proposal. Auto Sean. 2.0 Sean. Captain New... I open myself to disappointment. From himself and from me. 

I definitely could use some sage advice right about now. I know, i've heard it all before but I would like to know what someone would do if they were in my shoes. I get the sense that many have been in similar situation and they've survived it well enough. I'd like to believe I will too even though right now I feel a little beat up and worn down

Yesterday I bought a crock pot! A crock pot ya'll! And I am over the moon excited about my foray into cooking. Or at least crock pot cooking. I am trying to keep things in my life positive and care-free despite the recent communication from asshat. If i busy myself enough then maybe activity and will alone drive him from my thoughts and life. I'm not saying it is going to work. He sent me a long email detailing his life at sea. It was not poignant and sure as hell did not possess anything i was open to entertaining (an apology perhaps. some things you never stop wanting from people).

The email caused anxiety and the anxiety led to sleepless nights and bad dreams. The dream that sticks with me the most is of us sitting on a boardwalk cuddling and making promises. He tells me he has good news: that he is getting married soon and they are moving to Florida but he wants me to move in with them. He tries to sell me the absurdity of the situation. A mini sister wives thing that she has no clue she is embarking on. Of course I am livid that he would even bring it up. There is screaming and shouting and threats. We end up back at our hotel and he threatens to kill me for making such a big deal out of everything.

And then i wake up.

Obviously my dreams are trying to tell me something. So/But instead of focusing on the email, if or when i will respond back, and the complete and utter shit of an asshat that boy is... I bought a crock pot and am planning an exceptional weekend of food (spaghetti and meatballs), wine (by wine i mean angry orchard beer) and entertainment (Gilmore Girls is on Netflix. All 7 Seasons. What else am i expected to watch).

I am adjusting to the new place pretty well. I loathe traveling, which i now have to do five days a week, but everything about my new place and town is perfect. I don't have any furniture outside of my twin mattress, a desk and a chair for one, so the space is pretty empty. If all works out, I can buy a futon next week and maybe a TV stand (for the TV that is currently sitting on the shitty desk I built all by myself).

When i was a kid my art teacher always told us to fill the blank space of our canvas with as much color as possible (to each their own i guess) and as a studios kid I was always afraid of leaving any amount of white showing. In a way, I follow this 'creative' advice today when it comes to decorating. I don't love clutter but i do like things to look full. Things that look full remind me of warmth and warmth reminds me of home. I want this place to be home to me.

And a huge part of this place being home to me is being able to cook. So yesterday Heather, who really has stepped up the last few weeks in the friend department, and I went grocery shopping and then to Bed, Bath and Beyond where we both purchased crock-pots. She recently moved in with her boyfriend, who i swear she hates but whatever, and is adjusting as well to being an 'adult' as well. We are both struggling to manage food expenses. I am use to eating out all the time because my mini-fridge could only hold so many things for so long. She lived with her mom and sister and was use to food always being in the house.

Of course now that we both live on our own the food thing has been our biggest hurdle. So we planned our first big supermarket trip yesterday equipped with coupons and a few hours to spare. I bought all kinds of good stuff and saved money though I did splurge on buying oatmeal raisin cookies. Don't judge...they are delicious. Afterwards we swung by BB&B where we purchased our crock pots.

The last few weeks have been pretty rough and I am looking forward to a relaxed weekend at home.  Next week i am attending NYCC for the second year in a row, followed by a tattoo convention the following week, followed by a birthday/Halloween party, followed by the Halloween parade in the city with Kat. So this weekend will be the last one for a few weeks where i just get to enjoy some me time in my new home.

Anway, time to get back to work. I am counting down the hours until i can go home.