We Belong Together

Guess Whose Getting an iPod?

CLUE:

Her name starts with a B and ends with a T.

I don't know how i swung this one by people. Okay actually i do.

I have a considerable amount of dough left after school tuition, books, supplies, food, you get the point. Enough money that i have given myself the go ahead to get a pre-birthday present. Which is kind of stretch cause i give myself a pre-everything. I don't see the problem of rewarding oneself once in awhile. Usually it's something small like a book or a Cd. But i'm going to be 20 in less than two months. I'm a sacrificed not a taker( i once got crap Christmas presents so my mom could afford to get my bro playstation 2....see thats worthy of sainthood or something), so it's about time i rewarded myself.

I contemplated getting a digital camera. After my small stint as a camera whore as a child, it's kind of disappointing that my family and i don't take as much pictures as we used to. I think i wrote in another post about how much of a camera whore i was, somewhere out there people who don't even know me probably have a picture of me. But since about the 7th grade my family and i just don't take any pictures. I didn't even take a high school picture my whole 4 years there.

Me and Cameras aren't the best of friends though. 1) i can't take pictures to save my life 2) every year i ask for a camera for my birthday and then the thing ends up on my desk somewhere. I'd just end up taking pictures of me and my converse around town. Not the most inspiring thing.

So after telling Marie i was thinking about buying a camera, she reminded me that i really had nothing to take pictures of (which though is harsh, is true. I won't be taking pictures of friends, and taking pictures of the clouds is always what i revert to). Then i called my mom, and she too reminded me off the past 4 years of asking for a camera, and how now i have four cameras (not digital) that i don't use. Kind of had a point there.

Than i remembered the iPod. What i have been asking for since the beginning of time. I remembered last year, carrying my bulky CD too class, and watching all those "pretentious"( i was bitter that i did not have one and could not have Mike tell me how great and cool it was, so i called him pretentious) people with there Ipods. I even had a campaign against them. I thought iPods were stupid, and useless and for rich yuppies who wanted to flaunt there money. OKay thats also a stretch, but i wanted one so bad, i had to hate it.

But even though it's hella expensive, and i still think the kids at my school are pretentious, i'm getting an iPod. I will be one of those small earphone people who totally walk with a stride to class everyday with the tunes that i supply. I won't have to carry the large Cd player in my hand, i won't have to worry about it skipping, or having to pull out the dreaded CD booklet to hear a new Cd.

This weekend, I will be getting an iPod. Oh, it's so lovely. I can't wait. I keep doing the "oh i'm so excited" yell.

And you can bet the first person who gets put into my iPod is the one and only, man who makes my heart melt, who took me from the talented Trent Reznor. My husband....

Gavin Degraw.

I'm a rock chick a heart. I'm into "the Boss", Queen, Zeppelin, Hendrix, Marley, Morrison, and i can't forget Pink Floyd but Damnit, this pop rock, piano playing, hat wearing, unshaven, boy/man from the nothern part of NY(which when i was younger was dubbed "the country"), will the first person in my iPod.

I was having a shitty day yesterday. I was nervous about my decision that i had made, i'm writing a new screenplay, and as i write the words of the main character(who is bad ass rebel fueled by the pain the runs her life) i can't help but pull the words from my own sadness and loneliness sometimes. And this whole week, thinking about school, and my future was just overwhelming, i was just wanting a friend or a shoulder or something to lean on and be completely open with.

Sometimes you just miss having a friend. Like i don't have a "posse" of my three amigos who i can count on, it's just me, and though i don't have a problem with that all the time, sometimes it is frustrating, and wonder why i don't have those friends that i want. But i get in those moods usually when i hear the commotion outside of these walls, and i wonder why i'm not apart of it.

So after a few tears, i turned on a few Gavin Degraw tunes and felt a little better. I love music. It's amazing what it can do to you. They are right when they say it's a universal language( but i think everything is called a universal language. Books, painting, photography), and so he's kind of my go to "having a shitty day, really need a pick me up" guy. Oh Gavin.

I wrote a whole post about what i learned from English today. We are studying Families and how they affect stories basically. For some reason he has us reading the Bible and we started with the story of Abraham. Though that story was not particular what got my mind thinking about the actual impact family does play, the realization that who we are is first defined by our roles in our family is interesting. Cause it's the truth. But then Damn Blogger deleted it, after i tried to save it. So now i have love, and family relationships to elaborate on.

But until then more Gavin. I'm in a way better mood, dizziness is gone, ate a killer subway sandwich, did not sleep in all day, but have neglected to do my homework so i could listen to music on the internet. Things are getting back to normal.

And did i mention that i LOVE Gavin Degraw.

"What good is a life With no one to share. The light of the moon. The honor of a swear. We can try to live the way in which you speak. Taste the milk of your mother earth's love. Spread the word on consciousness you see.We are are everything we need. We belong together Like the open seas and shores Wedded by the planet forms We've all been spoken forAll this indecision. All this independent strength. Still, we've got our hearts on save, we've got our hearts on save.Someday when you're lonely.Sometime after all this bliss.Somewhere lost in emptiness. I hope you find this gift..."

My current Mood

Some days i just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like her in the picture right now. And i don't know why.

You Need A Rest

I've solved the problem.

Of course i had to go through exhaustion, bad eating habits, and a migraine or two (okay three).

It's only been two days into the semester and i already have had my first breakdown. Okay so it wasn't a cry fest or anything, but i nearly passed out (seriously) from the level of stress my mind has been running on. I mean stressed out.

I hadn't eaten in like three days. i had one waffle on the weekend and then half of a sandwich yesterday, which of course didn't help with my earache, migraine, and body ache. Yesterday i spent the whole day in bed. i had three classes, and by the time i came back to my room, i was dizzy, and ached like no one else's business. I fell asleep and yet still woke yup pretty groggy. Walking around today, i was two seconds from just passing out, and it took all of my strength to just make it back to my room.

I assumed my stress arose from the whole Bio/Spanish thing. The bio lab lady, who is so nice, said i could take the Tuesday lab in the afternoon because i had a valid reason. But i still wasn't happy. I still had that stressed feeling on my brain.

So today i went to Bio and saw all the faces of people who had passed along with me, and saw the teacher who had failed me last semester. The teacher who everyone knows is hard, who has been on academic probation for the number of students he has failed, and who grades like a nazi. Unless you know the material like the back of your hand, you won't pass. I tried so hard last year, and still didn't pass.

And then it came to me.

It isn't the finding another class to accommodate Bio that i should be focusing on .

It should be me dropping Bio 102, and taking another class.

Yes, i am way happy to have passed Bio 101. But after totally bombing it with "The Nazi" who is teaching it this semester, and then passing it this semester with a C, is not something i want to get myself caught up into.

I wish i was one of those people who is confidant with their ability at bio, who can face, and maybe defeat the Nazi, but it isn't me. I want to get a high GPA. I want scholarships, so my looming student loan bill doesn't look enormous by the time i graduate, i want to not be calculating how to bring up a very low F by the end of the semester. I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I can't risk failing another class, i can't risk hoping the professor(who is a jackass) will like me, and bump me if i am on the border line, but mainly i can't risk hoping that i will pull off a miracle and will magically pass and generally hard class.

I can't do it.

Won't do it

Ain't doing it.

So i dropped it. I had to close my eyes, click the button and see it's empty space when i open them. And now i feel much better. Dizziness is gone, i ate a huge burrito, i think i may even have smiled today. I just couldn't take that risk. That was a huge one. So i'm going to take it during the summer, at home. Class will be easier, smaller, and only for a month. Sweet.

I replaced that class with Genetics and Society? Don't ask me what it's about, couldn't tell you. But it seems easy, professor is a total hippie, and because i know most of the topics, should be easy. Plus there is no Final.

I have 15 credits, and maybe 18 if that Damn History of Modern Architecture would open. So even though my curriculum is not Science based, my migrane has lessened and i'm not stressing anymore. Which is priceless in my opinion.

Walking back from class, i notice how hard i am on myself. With the whole bio/chem situations i notice that i like being the smart girl. I like that feeling. I mean all my life, i have been the smart girl. I was the girl in Kindergarten who the teacher model the other kids after, Elementary, i won a shitload of awards at the 5th grade graduation even "Best Student Council" leader. In Middle school, i was the girl in a million clubs MS. Activity, and in High School i was the the smart quiet girl, who had people cheated off. And even though back in the day, i hated being that girl. I so associated with that Title. So i feel like i have to prove it to everyone, like thats all that i am, and all of a sudden i don't feel like that girl anymore. And i become extremely hard on myself, and put pressure on myself, which is really how failure arises because i'm not seeing that sometimes i need to wave that white flag, step back, re-evaluate, and begin anew.

Take a break.

Relax.

I just that i feel so behind already, with missing my first semester. And i have catching up to do, which i will this summer. But i have to worry about right now, about doing great now, and stop worrying about catching up, at least until the summer.

SO thats my decision, and i'm sticking to it.

I have to learn how to trust myself a little more, would probably solve a whole bunch of my problems.

Hope Overture

You know those damn puzzles they handed you as a kid. They usually were in gifts bags you were handed at some party by a kid you may not even have liked, but hey free cake. They are cheaply made out of plastic, and it's a picture scrambled with one piece missing. Your objective, if you choose to take it, was to some how make the picture whole minus the missing piece. I hated those puzzles for the shear fact that i sucked at putting them together. I just spent the whole time, usually on a bus, pushing pieces anywhere, hoping Picasso would be proud of the work i had made.

Well thats what i feel like today, as if i am sitting on the number 60 bus (or 61 it's been a while) to White Plains, trying to put together a stupid puzzle that is hard as hell to complete.

We signed up for classes way back in December, maybe even at the end of November, i can't remember. Anyway, i thought i had my schedule down pack. I mean all morning classes, cause i rather get my classes down so i have the whole rest of the day to do whatever i want to do, which is usually nothing really productive. Planning your sheducle is like putting a puzzle together. I mean you basically have to get classes that do not overlap and that either are one after another or have at least a good enough break to snack before classes. From what i know from college students is A) we hate having large gaps between classes. You don't want to wqlk back to the dorm cause you will get comfortable and not want to head back out B) Evening classes also suck, just the thought of having a class run past 8pm makes my head hurt.

The way i planned my classes was that on Monday, Wednesday i would have 3 classes ending at 12:05, Tuesday and Thursday i would have 3 classes running until 12:15, and Friday i would have two classes until 12:05. Now on Wednesday i have my bio lab, which is 2 hours and 45minutes of nothing. What i didn't see until yesterday was that my Bio lab and my Spanish Class Overlap, the WORST THING EVER. Oh it sucks.

I don't see how i missed it, how i could have screwed that up,and now have to ask my Bio lab coordinator if i can join in on another lab, which the only other best time would be Tuesday at 3:30-6:15 ( i know it seems dreadful, but that was actually the best time, other than 8am). All day i have been doing the "if remove this class and put it here, then i can take this and put it here, and then add this class..." what i keep forgetting though is that most of the classes are filled up. I mean i can't even find a Fine Art to take. WTF.

My only other possible solution was to drop Spanish and take something else. But of course they are all classes at the same time 10:10-11:00 on MWF, which would still mean i was overlapping.

So i have to wait until tomorrow to go see what she'll say about me joing another lab section, which means my head is hurting because of my stress level arising from a 35 minutes of overlapping.

I hate that i didn't catch that sooner.

I planned to write a post on Love.

And instead i have one of hate to stupid schedules and pieces that don't fit

I just needed to ramble.

I hope this all works out.

Into the Fire

Back at school.

It's a little weird, i have to get use to the rountine all over again, and the noises. My fridge that is way too loud, and the garbage truck the wakes me up in the morning. But other than that, i am pretty glad to be back.

No more Dial-up, brother yelling at me to use the phone, trying to post comments but incoming calls cutting me off in mid sentence,brother friends coming over, and more. Oh it's good to be back, i have some catching up(reading and commenting wise) to do in blog world.

As soon as my mom and brother left, i assumed i was going to clean my room, but half way through that i got a massive headache, my ear was kind of hurting, and i passed out into la la land, waking up 5 hours later. What can i say. My room is in a total state of my messiness.

Classes start monday, though i went book shopping today, spending a whopping 300 bucks on books that i most likely will not use. Of all the classes that i am taking this semester surprisingly enough the one i am kind of worried about is "Themes British Writing". I have one more English requirement to fill so i figured "hey why not take my last one this semester", then i remembered how much i disliked Shakespeare and Dickens, and have never read Pride and Prejudice, but can only imagine how many nights i will fall asleep with it by my side.

I love everything British. I want to go Britain for a semester abroad, i wanted to move there when i was younger. I love The Office, Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Coupling. Love British bands, and don't even get me started on the movies. 28 days later, Shaun of the dead, Monty Python, Billy Elliot i could go on and on. The accents, the boys, the fashion, i love all of it. But when it comes to having to read a book by Charles Dickens, i get a little teary and wish i was watching paint dry then reading a book by him.

In the 8th grade i was in Honors English, and we read Charles Dickens, and Shakespeare. Worst time of my life. I don't know what it is, but with all the British love that i have, i cannot get into Dickens or Shakespeare. They bore me. I mean bore me. I mean I love Hemingway, Plath, Steinbeck, Rand and respect the stuff written a long time ago but those two i just can't get into. We almost had a revolt against Dickens in the 12th grade, after reading a Tale of Two Cities. I don't think i can look at Romeo and Juliet again, i may just throw it out the window.

What's more horrible is that the professor may be a total jerk. The website Ratemyprofessor isn't really a reliable source, you only get comments from people who A) did really well B) really bad, but you still like to see a smiley face by your prospective professors name to ease your worries. Not my professor. A big old sad face, that made me cringe. So i'm at least going to go to his first class, to see if it is bearable. If not, Women Studies, here i come.

With the first day of class approaching i'm actually a little nervous. I mean i think i may be one of 15 students in a 200 person dorm that has arrived yet for the new semester, which means it is pretty quiet in this usually noisy dorm. The campus is pretty empty, aside from seeing a bunch of professors walking around. So school hasn't really started, clubs haven't reopened, haven't seen familar faces, the grind hasn't started yet.

I wrote about my first day of Kindergarten when i met my first best friend. My mom didn't even have to assure me that i was going to be okay, because i marched in there not afraid of what school had to offer me. Sometimes i wish i had that same kind of attitude, instead of the "i hope the people and professor are nice" nerves.

Marie says i have a fear of failing. But i mean who doesn't. I mean i don't fear failing all my classes or anything, but it's just more that i fear not reaching the potential i know i can reach And i guess thats where the nerves come in, that my best won't be enough, and that i will always come up a little short. So i'm going to think positively, and work hard at succeeding, and ask questions when i need help, i don't do that often.

As we were driving to school, my mom brought up the "coffee dude". Surprisingly enough i haven't really thought about the whole thing that much. I mean after the initial "why the hell does he want to have coffee with me" freak out, i figured, if i want to go i'll go, but if i don't want to go, i'm not. I mean sure it would be my first "solo" in the going to get coffee deal, with someone who wasn't a friend, but i don't see the big deal of me going, just so i can be like " i had coffee with some dude". when i told my mom, that i wasn't really sure if i wanted to go or not, she seemed aggravated with me. Like "why they hell" wouldn't i go. And i don't really know.

I'd rather leave things up to chance for awhile, i would feel like i am doing things because i had too, and not because i wanted to. But i'll see.

If i had to predict what this semester had in store for me, it would be testing my will of putting my "hand into the fire". Of taking those small little steps that get me out of something i am not comfortable with. Of proving that i have the ability of testing new waters and not being afraid, or at least not letting anyone know that i am afraid. Sometimes you have to put your hands into the fire, to try something new so you see the strength you have in yourself, that have the ability to push yourself beyond the limit you thought possible.

"Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another
From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end"
-thirteen senses-

Update

For some reason as i walked into the examination room, after being weighed(always hate that), took my blood pressure(my arm felt like it was going to explode), and had my pulse checked, (though it took her a long time to find it) i thought it would be like an episode of house. Where the doctor would discover some potentially serious problem with me, a group of young hot doctors would then magically detect what was wrong with me, and then i would walk away healthy, vibrant, and maybe with a number from one of them....

Instead.

I was asked embarassing questions by a nurse who didn't smile,( as if it routine to know such personal things), and then waited for the doctor to come in (who was not the hot doctor my mom got the pleasure of seeing). She was nice, asked me what was wrong with me, how long the noise had been occuring for, did i swim, was i taking medicine, yadda yadda yadda. Then she checked my ear. Invested the cause of my annoyance for a long time, and what she found people, what she said was making my ear ring for the past 2 months, that had caused many sleepness nights...

NOTHING.

My ear is as clear as anyone's ear can be. She saw NOTHING. I was a little disappointed. I rather it be something, than nothing. Nothing can't be cured. Something can. So she gave me a prescription for ear drops, said it was probably an ear infection, and that if it didn't stop ringing after a few weeks, than i probably needed to be recommended to a specialist.

Of course i hate water being in my ear, so putting the ear drops in was probably to my mother like watching a child. I squealed a little, i admit, and after laughing at me, my mom administered the rest of the drops in. So now i'm walking around with cotton balls in my ear, saying "what did you say" when my mom, brother, or Marie( who i drove around with four 3 hours with, minus the cotton balls)says something. My ears don't hurt, and the ringing has stopped.

Now back to lip reading, and chilling before heading back tomorrow.

I can't wait to start this semester off.

2006 looks promising, minus the minor ear infection.

Cancerous...

With my impending departure back to school, a dark mood has set in this house.

That dark mood being silence.

It happens all the time, when i have to head back to school, everyone seems to get real quiet, go into their separate rooms, and i think we nod heads as we pass each other to the kitchen, but thats about it.

It's completely annoying, i feel like i have the plague or something, and they don't want to get to close for fear that i will infect them. All day my mom has been giving sad eyes, while my brother has not been out of the room all day, and i have been staring around like "what the hell is wrong with you people" I have 2 more days, before i will be 2 hours and a phone call away, and we can't even spend the last 2 days enjoying the time with each other....No, not in my family.

In my family, we avoid each other, or get angry at each other for no reason at all. I remember when we moved from White Plains to New Rochelle when i was in the 3rd grade, at the time we were all living in a big yellow house, like a more hip version of "Full House". It was my mom, brother, and i, living with my grandma, cousin Sean, cousin Chris, and my Aunt. I told you a full house. For the most part it was great. 4 kids, 3 adults, everyday was hectic but everyday i felt loved. Me and Chris were tied to the hip. He is 4 years younger than me, and for the most part i babysat him, watched Barney with him(dark times), and made him play school, while i had to play power ranger(always the pink one) but when we moved, I remember us being so mad at each other. We had stupid fights about ridiculous things, did the whole "i'm never talking to you again", but i knew it was because if we could distance each other, refuse to feel close, then me leaving would be easier on us both.

Well it's not...even today we still get sad when i have to leave(though he doesn't cry anymore).

So i guess thats what mom and morgan are doing. Though i wish they would get over that by now, i feel as if they think i am leaving them behind or something. As if they are trying to make me feel guilty for having to return back. This psychological torture is crazy, so i have retreated to my room, and am watching Jerry Springer. It's better than the silence. Cause being around them i feel like a big cancer who is some how destroying them.

It's not like i can even say "hey are you alright", because they do the whole "nothing". So to be safe, i'll just stay upstairs. And hope these two days go by really fast.

Cosy in the Rocket

I always use this picture...I just like it I guess. A green funeral car, driving thru the desert into a bright light, assuming it's the future. Something about that just makes me love this photo.

So I have finished my starting over list, after a lot of scribbling, hair pulling, and finally putting the pen down, I have established my ten, starting over goals. I was talking to Marie about constructing this list, and she said that it couldn't really be called a resolution, it's more of goals I wish to accomplish.

So this is my list, not of resolutions that I wish to do, but of a life change I hope to somehow accomplish. I keep forgetting that this is like my "journal" , so I have to kind of write it here, seeing I would do it in any other journal, so here it is.

MY "starting over" list (in no particular order)

1. Discover and embrace Individuality.
2. Plan the destination, not the trip(pertaining to post undergrad studies)
3. Get Academics in order
4. Let some of the guards down.
5. Don't be afraid to enjoy the experience
6. Remove clutter and disorder in life
7. Balance wants for success with efforts to attaining it.
8. Learn what my boundaries are and use that in creating strong relationships
9. Broaden my horizons (Learn something new, leave comfort zone)
10.Declare Independence.

Yes that took me all night to write, butIi had to focus on the things thatIi am kind of havingproblemss with in my daily life(and admitting them isn't easy). I just remember yesterday that 2 months from January 1stIi will be 20 years old (March 1st can't come fast enough,i will be nestled in NYC for a whole week), and i can honestly say for the last 6 years I have pretty much wasted the experience. I have avoided getting close, and i don't know...just avoided letting the world see me. The me in this journal. if i can channel that (minus the whining) into my everyday life,i might just be okay.

All ten of those are to reach the main goal of..Well i haven't thought of a title yet, but maybe on the eve of 2007, while with friends at a chill party, it will spring to light. I guess I'll leave that til then.

In order totally unrelated news. 1 kind of boring and one HUGE.

Boring.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, what i have not mentioned for like the past 2 months, is that i have been hearing a ringing in my ear. I mean a persistent, nagging, whistling noise in my ear. I heard it first while in Spanish class, and i thought it was a noise from the building at first, because there is always some kind of construction going on, but when i began hearing it in my room, i was like "what the hell is that". I didn't want to bother my mom with, my ear hurts, and i didn't think it was such a big deal to go to the health center, but since the noise has not gone away, and i am home, i figured i minus well get that checked out before i go back to school on Thursday. I mean I'm not going deaf or anything, i fear it is a......EAR INFECTION. I thought baby's got that. Damn.

Okay now for the huge NEWS.

I think i am getting a NEW CAR. How did i swing this, well...I have been hinting to my mom for like ever, that i need a car to get me from the house to school for the summer, and that you know volunteer work(well the hospital that is), and even me driving myself home for the holidays and break would make it a lot easier on her, instead of being my personalchauffeurr. So every time we drive by a car lot, I'm like "look at that car, pretty huh". I figured i could at least get a good used Jeep. But the other day she said that she was uncomfortable getting me a car that could possibly break down, and be unsafe for me to drive, and that she would rather get me a new car that would last me for a long time, and for my move to...i have to make a list for where I'm thinking about moving for Grad/Med school) wherever i go to school.

I tried to hide my utter happiness, and though my mom isn't good with, well money, she somehow manages to get the necessaryy things(other than school payments, don't get me started). Apparently a new car is very necessaryy. We won't have to worry about any money issues pertaining to my room this semester, and other than buying books, she says a new car is in the near future. Maybe on or before my birthday. I'm so excited. It's a 2006 Ford Focus. And i can't stop looking at it on the web.

Trust me,I'll keep bugging her about it.

A car would be very nice, 20th birthday present(The pleasure of being the youngest, is that my birthday is way over-exaggeratedd by my mother, who goes all out for me it is like Christmas).

Though the whole not having a license part, could be a little problem. The DMV sucks.

Edge of the Ocean

My New Years Eve sucked.

It started out promising. My brother was actually in the house for more than 5 minutes, my mom got off work early, and I was ready for the late staying up to see the oldest man alive announce the dropping of the ball.

Then we were all in the kitchen, and they started joking about being happy that I was going back to school. I mean they made me feel as if I had overstayed my welcome in my own house, and that now it was time for me to go. I know it was just a joke (as my mom describes how fast she is going to drop me off at my dorm, with a sigh of relief), but behind every joke is a little truth. So after that I was pissed for the whole day.

I think my mom can tell, I have been doing the small chatter, not really listening, over analyzing the "joke" over and over again in my head. I don't know the joke hit a nerve, I mean I've been writing about how my home doesn't really feel like a home anymore, and then you have them joking about it. Bad timing folks.

So after that, I was in a mood for the whole day. My brother left, returning later only to grab a slice of pizza, and my mom kept complaining about a headache she had. So instead of a fun filled, last weekend at home, time spent munching on pizza, chatting, laughing, and watching the ball drop together. I was alone. My mom kept falling asleep in between shows, finally going upstairs around 7, telling me to wake her up before the ball dropped. For the next four hours, I literally died of boredom, and felt completely alone.

There was no poltergeist marathon, no cheesecake, and no really good weekend. No one called, no was at the house, and I was camped out on the couch, feeling like I did that whole year....as if life was going on around me, as I was incased in a bubble that doesn't seem to sweet anymore. I was suppose to wake her up at 11, but I was so mad that I had spent my whole day basically alone, that I didn't really feel like watching the ball drop with her. So I woke her up at 11:30, and went to my room, while she went downstairs to watch the ball drop. I figured why spend the last 30 minutes watching the ball drop with a person who couldn't even spend the day with me.

At around 11:45 , I remembered my amazing ability to daydream. I mean it's a skill people, to just be able to close my eyes, and go wherever I want to go. Another one of those mechanism sure, but one that I can deal with. I figure I spend the better half of my day, wishing I was somewhere else anyway, why not do it while the ball dropped, close my eyes, while listening to a song, and just pretend I was somewhere else, doing actually what I wanted at that moment.

So I grabbed my laptop, opened iTunes, had to pick the right song, put the tv on mute, turned the lights off, and huddled in bed, and thought up a pleasant alternative to this one. I was listening to Ivy's "Edge of the Ocean, and for some reason thought of the beach. I'm not a big fan of the beach, I mean I love the water, but I had this really bad experience with seeing an extremely old man in speedos, so now when I see a beach, I think of speedos, and old men in them. Ewww.

But I do love the water. Okay so the Hudson isn't the most beautiful piece of water, you'll see, but I loved it. Maybe it was because I was watching Entourage on HBO (it's good), but as soon as I closed my eyes, I was saw myself on a beach. It was at that point when the sun was going down, but cool enough that the wind was blowing my hair. I was their my best friends, small group of like 10, and we strolling down the beach barefoot. I was holding hands with a fellow, never saw his face though, and I was having one of those hard laughs, that cause you to throw your head back, so the whole world can hear it.

It was short choppy shots. I mean Of course there was dancing, drinking wine (I've smelt beer, kind of like piss, but then again it was when Marie lived in the dorm with three other people, and someone might have actually pissed on the floor), and more laughter. Then I was at a house, dressed surprisingly hot in a little black dress. We shouted down the ball dropping, erupting into complete euphoria when it hit 12:00. It was fabulous. Even if it wasn't real.

Of course when I opened my eyes, I was back to reality, in a dark room, watching Time Square go crazy, and wishing I wasn't here. My mom came up soon after, wishing me a happy 2006, as I pitifully said the same. Then I closed my door, and dreamt of beaches.

So 2006 is here. I go back to school on Thursday, classes starting next Monday. I'm ready to go back. In a way I felt like I have been here too long, and am kind of ready to start...Life again.

I have to write down my "starting over" list. It's all jumbled in my head, with no clear direction. Maybe that should be on the list, have some clear direction.

Monk Marathon today. USA Network is on a roll.

Happy New Year.

I hope it promises everything you imagined.

"There's a world I've always known

Somewhere far away from home

When I close my eyes I see

All the space and mystery

Ohhh, we can begin again

Shed our skin, let the sun shine in

At the edge of the ocean

We can start over again"

-Ivy-

Particles of Truth...

So the other day i was lounging around, channel surfing when i happened upon a movie called Particles of Truth. For some reason i didn't turn the channel, probably because of the hot Gale Harold(Queer as Folk) whose magnetic face kept me hooked( i will spare you from posting a picture of my new husband, though i was very tempted), but nevertheless, i was very fortunate to happen upon the movie, whose main charatcer Lilly seems to parrallel my position.

The end of the year is here, and i am excited yet nervous at the same time. I've been noticing that i can't seem to finish anything. I have been home for about 2 weeks, and have not finished any books, stories, that i have started. This has become a recent trend of mine, as if i am afraid of finishing anything. The end of things seems scary to me because i don't believe in the "when one door closes another one opens" sayinh, the finish line does not seem promising, and for new years the ball that will drop from time square will only remind me of that doors will open if i allow them.

It seems as if i am afraid of failure. I mean I guess we are all. I have this extrodinary fear of being commonplace, of just living a normal existence, and making no impact. Of not being someone. All of this, the not finishing anything, the fear of failing, of being normal, stems from the self doubts that i have within myself. That some how my drive will not mirror what is needed to see my dreams come to light. Sure I'm capable of not letting my fears conquer me, but in the back of my mind, its as if that isn't enough.That somewhere in time the walls will come crashing down and the particles of truth will be found out, and i will be discovered, and what will be found is not something that i will like.

So watching the movie yesterday i was like, "Oh..that's where i am in life" in the self doubting ,can i do this mode. What "this" is i don't know. Maybe it's letting people get close, maybe it's trusting myself, maybe it's being someone that i can be proud of, that i can let other people be proud of. Trust me i don't think i'm the only one, but it seems ten fold sometimes. Of course in the movie, she meets someone (Gale Harold) more screwed up then she is, both hiding from the world, she with her coldness and particle of truths about her past , and him by his Germophobia which prevented people from getting to close to them, well except each other. Seeing that it is movie world after all, and all of their problems get solved in 48 hours. Then the two fall deeply madly in love, or some crap like that.

Of course i know life is not a movie, or a tv show where all the mysteries will be solved in an hour of so. The killer will be caught, the doctor will have solved the patients medical illness, and Joey will still be an unfunny show( i know low blow, low blow...someone had to say it). Minus the "all is better ending" the movie was good, because it examined the lies we tell ourselves to get us through life, are the lies that leave us damaged. That tend keep the distance between people, that prevent us from moving forward.

My Particles of Truth
-That i'm confidant
-Happy
-Have a great family
-Am over a certain boy( and no isn't art boy)
-Am over losing a best friend
-Believe that i will make it.
-That i am brave
-That i like spending time by myself.
-That i can take the hardships along with all the good.
-That i am ready to be someone.

These are the particles that seem to keep me stagnate. I mean we all have these particles we hold close, particles of our lives that keep us grounded in life. They are lies we tell ourselves to keep us going, to remind us of how much the past doesn't affect us, and that the future doesn't really frighten us. These seem to the worse kind of lies though, the lies we tell ourselves being more detremental then the lies we tell the world, because they keep us stagnate. They keep us standing still instead of helping us moveforward. They are our safe haven, our shields, our defense mechanism, that prevents us from falling apart. I know i hold them dear, sometimes i'm frightened of what i would do without them. And maybe thats what it's all about, it's about facing them head on. Because one day they will smack us in the face, we will be reminded that we use them to hide from ourselves first of all, but it keeps us guarded from letting life in. From letting it all in, because of the fear that we just can't deal.

For now i will keep my particles of truth. They are my shields and armor that keep me going, but thats not saying that i don't look forward to the day when i have to face them. When the particles become whole and threaten to consume me, unless i let them go. Of course i wont have a cute boy named Gale Harold, guiding me along the way( it would be nice to think so though), i'll have to face those by myself(not saying if a cute boy named Gale Harold wanted to help me, then of course i would totally accept his help, and in 48 hours we would fall in love. I can dream can't I).

Until then, i will enjoy the ending days of 2005 watching Law and Order: SVU marathon. The thing is addictive. Damn you Benson and Stabler. Damn you all to Hell.

I was suppose to go to a New Year Eve's party with Marie and her friends. But the girl hosting the party went psycho after a not so fun ski trip with Marie and other people( i'll fill you in later), and now my plans are null and void. I hate when people go crazy during the holidays, wait till after, at least then it won't affect the only plans i had. So my day will be spent munching on a huge cheese pizza, drinking a little sparkly sparkly, eating cheesecake, and watching a marathon of Poltergist, the show(nothing like the movie). What can i say.

Happy "early" New Years. Kiss 2005 goodbye. I know i will.

-Beckett-

Arrested Development

Well it didn't snow...

Christmas was good though. i woke up to the pleasant sight of rain. I like the rain though so it wasn't that bad. I opened my presents that i myself wrapped (because my mother just rolls the paper over it, and tapes, and tapes, and then won't stop tapping. So what she does is gives me the box, make me promise i won't look, and then watches me during the wrapping). I have perfected the art of fake enthusiam, watch out world. After presents(which did not consist of an ipod, sigh), my brother dragged around the house, we had food, drank excessively to much sparkly, and passed out watching a marathon of the outer limits.

Just the way we like it.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. Something about the last week of this year has my buzzing with all the possibilities that lay before me.

Arrested Development.

Other than being an amazing good show(damn you fox), i seem to be in an Arrested Development. Being home these last couple of days, i'm seeing how much i don't like it. I mean sure i like spending time with my mom, and there are days when i just want to stay at home and lounge around. But i don't want to live the life of watching Oprah religously and acting like i should care about people on tv i will never met, i cannot spend every waking day in pajamas and deny the world thats out there.

I think it's because i worry so much about my mom and brother that leaves me arrested. that without me my mom would go completely crazy and be lonely, and well...i don't think Morg would mind. i don't know how to explain it. So here's an example.

Example 1: Browsing at some clothes outlet store
[Mom picks up something she would wear]Mom: This is too cute, do you like it?
Me: It's not really my style
Mom:[sighs] what is your style?
Me: Well not the older woman style, i'm 19...19.
Mom: This isn't old
Me: There are like grandmothers in here looking in the same section we are, this is a little bit older for me
Mom: Well this is my first time in here
Me: What made you think i would like it?
-Later in Pacific Sun-
[See a cute jacket] Me: I like this one
Mom: It's green
Me: i like the color green
Mom: I don't like it
And then she goes and picks up this horrendus jacket i would never wear, once again something she would wear.
Mom: this is so cute, it would look good on you.

-Out in the parking lot-
Mom: There was a lot of cute clothes in there
Me: That you would wear, i think i like a more edgy style, not so cookie cutter. I have to keep reminding you about blurring the lines between you and me.
Mom: i know, we have different taste
Me: i'm just saying if you had your way i would be a mini you
Mom: [dramatically stabbing imaginary knife in heart] That was tough
Me: It's the truth
Mom: i know

Example 2:-At the supermarket. After i ran into an old teacher-
Me: i saw my librarian in here
Mom: Oh thats nice.
Me: she was happy to hear i was going to the school in state, she never wanted me to go to Pitt or Philadelphia when i told her.
Mom: everyone was trying to tell you that, you just wouldn't listen
Me: listen i have two more years of this hell hole before med school.
Mom: Maybe you'll change your mind
Me: Hell no
Mom: we'll see

I want so much for myself that i busting out to consume it all. And some how i feel like she's holding me back from that, not out of any malicious intent, but just of fear of losing me, of letting me go. But some where along the lines i have to declare my independence, and gently cut this string that binds us, the string the holds me back from creating a life for myself.

So i guess thats kind of my first thing on my "starting over" list. To claim independence, to stop having her run my life. Because the direction she wants me to lead is not the course i want to go. I want to take chances, i want to make mistakes, i want to be apart of "it" instead inclosed in our own lonely bubble. I just see so potential in myself, and i feel like i'm supressing it in fear of hurting her, and wanting to tell her that it's kind of time for me to make that leap. You know, that first leap being the being the hardest one to take, but i'm so ready for it.

I just keep sitting here in this house, and watching them do nothing. I never noticed how much 'Nothing" bother me, until waking up to it everyday. I want to have a life for myself, that doesn't involve me trying to make them happy. I mean sure i want to make my mom proud and i want our relationship to stay close, but this isn't Garden State( i always refer back to this movie), i'm not Natalie Portman portraying at girl who is like "my home is always home to me" or some crap like that. I guess i just want to start my own life, i don't just want to be a figment in some else's. I don't want to be Mom's smart daughter, or Morg's brainy sister. I want to be Beckett, with her own friends, a job at school that i will probably hate, a car that may not always run, but a place i can return to that will relieve the pressures of the world and my own little niche, my own little life. I want them to be apart of what i have created for myself not vice versa. I guess thats not too much to ask for. Cause it's the only thing i want.

I want my life back.

I've been hiding from it for too long.

Andrew:You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew : You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Shooting Rubberbands At the Stars

I guess it's still embarassing to admit that at 19 i still cannot go to sleep on Christmas Eve. Though i know the presents under the tree are things me and my mom wrapped for decorations, i still have that ansy feeling that keeps me up at night.

When i was younger, i would go to sleep real early, believing that the faster i fell asleep, the sooner morning would come, the sooner i would open my presents, and all would be right with the world.

Though the excitement of waking up real early to run downstairs and open the presents under the tree has pretty much died out, along with many other things, i still kind of feel sad about not being so enthused about the holidays. I think this time of the year is based on your belief of the holiday spirit. The belief that you will have a white christmas, that miracles are bound to happen, that you will share the fondest times with the people you love, and that it's a "Wonderful life".

I guess you have to carry the spirit with you, i'm starting to think that its not about getting sad because you realize things about the holiday and your life that can be a downer. But more that as you get older you either keep the spirit of the holidays alive, or let it go like a friend you just stopped talking too.

I guess because i am looking at the bed, wanting to go asleep so i can wake up and it will be christmas, still shows that the holiday spirit is still in me. That even though i have to remind my mother to decorate, and have to get Morg excited about the feast, if not the presents, we can look forward to...i'm still excited about christmas. Maybe i just still believe that i will wake up to a white christmas, that for one day we can be happy that we are togther, that miracles are bound to happen, and that it's a "Wonderful Life" after all.

So what do i want for Christmas:
Selfishly:
-Dead Like Me DVD
-Ipod
-a new camera
-and possibly clothes

Unselfishly
-Fresh coat of snow
-Morg to talk to our father on the phone
-For my mom to get a call from an old friend
-Smiling faces all day long(with no arguments)
-For Charlie Brown to have a really good christmas and get a new tree
-For Ralphie(a Christmas Story, the greatest christmas movie ever) to finally get that Red Ryder BB gun he's been asking for all christmas (you'll shoot your eye out kid)
-For Kevin to finally have christmas with his family, instead of being left to fend off crooks home all alone.
-And for Rudolph...you go kid.

But mainly i hope that everyone has a really good christmas. Smile, laugh, eat lots of food, and enjoy all of it.

For me i will lie in my bed, still suffering from the "christmas is tomorrow" insomnia. If all else fails, shooting rubberbands at the stars isn't so bad.

I have a Craving...

... that i just can't seem to shake. While attempting to go to sleep at 2 in the morning, i had this weird craving for White Castle burger. It was a literal attack of the munchies, and i went to sleep very frustrated.

When i was younger i hated White Castle. If anyone has ever been, it is just a plain white building, that to me smelt of onions, that sort of resembles a castle. The burgers are so small, you have to buy them in bulk just to get full. But something about those small nasty burgers, processed cheese and meat that you aren't quite sure of, has my stomach begging for it. Even the big bulky fries i could have a go at.

I had White Castle about 2 years ago. For some reason they sell them at the supermarket, in the little boxes, but yo can only catch them in stock on a good day. And when you get them home, they just aren't the same,i guess you have to go to White Castle for the full experience to enjoy those terribly small hamburgers.

So who wants to drive me to White Castle?

I'm a very pleasant companion in cars.

I could fall asleep in the passenger seat and wake up when we got there.

Usually, i will flip through the stations until i find the right song. We can even play "Guess that Song" and the winner gets lunch on me.

If you don't mind listening to some Metallica, John Mayer, Coldplay, and Feist along the way. My singing isn't that bad, and i don't even mind the small little adventures on the way. I'm one for road trips, as long as we reach our destination to those little small hamburgers that are tearing at my heart(or should i say...stomach).

Just think about it, let me know.

Damn i just thought about Nathan's hot dog. Do the still serve those fries with the little red pitch fork looking thing?

Why do i torture myself.

Mushaboom

I'm not use to talking on the phone for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I mean unless you are my mom, or my dad i can basically only stay on the phone for about 15 minutes before i'm lying on the bed wondering what song i'm about to download.

It's not that i can't hold a conversation, it's just that well i haven't had the phone ringing off the hook since i was in the 6th grade, and honestly am not use to having conversations at length with friends.

Kay called today. We have been text messaging each other since school ended, and it's just been stupid things like "i haven't called anyone a bastard since i woke up, you should be proud"(so i have a tendency of calling anything a bastard, nazi, and whore...My language is very pleasant. You should see me at a vending machine that isn't working..Its a sight), and her reminding me to be pleasant to the world.

I never realized how much i missed having a friend, until i had one actually calling me on the phone and asking me for advice on things. I think people forget that i am only 19 and seem to talk to me about things i have no idea about, but it was nice just trying to be helpful and i guess in the process feeling a little "grown up".

She talked about her impending separation with uber hott, but not so stable ex-husband. I talked about being addicting to the sims(which she too admited she was addicted too for a while, the game should be outlawed) and that i may need to join an help group. She talked about hott new boots she thinks i would love, i talked about converse. So we are on two different wavelengths, but we somehow find comfort in each other. And we went way past my "30 minute" mark.

I mentioned coffee dude, and she did the girly "OMG!!! now i totally have to make you over. We can go shopping, and get out hair done..." i think i tuned out for the last 5 minute of girly yelling. She also taught me "meet up etiquette":

1) Meet in while populated areas (i knew that one)

2) If and when i do talk to him about meeting up, make it real casual say something like "hey i'm going to be in the bookstore later on, if you want to get some coffee you can meet me up there later". That leaves the ball in my court, and makes it casual

3) seem interested. Sometimes i get that "geez i'm really bored face" (what can i say, i can't hide my feelings on my face). Ask questions, don't answer with "yes and no" , and don't "sell him the whole store" . Boys like mystery and telling them my biography in the short time coffee takes to drink is a big NO NO.

4) Have a go to person. She said that it's good to bring a friend along. She can sit somewhere else, wait for my signal if things are going bad, and can come to my rescue with "Hey , i didn't know you were here" and then drag me to safety.

She seemed more interested than i did, but it was nice, for someone to take such interest. I guess i'm not use to that.

I try to learn things from everyone i meet. And i see Kay as someone i can learn a lot from. I mean she has taken me under her wing. We got on the topic of her relationship with men, because of well psycho ex/present husband and a boy she dated( i have to stop calling men boys) while they were on a break. A boy who is late all the time, has no ambition, but is extremely charming and not so bad to look at. He recently failed the two classes he was taking this semester and has no idea what to do about next semester.

She said that all her life she has been involved with a man. She has never been single, and always attached. And that if she could have anything it would be to be single, and not be involved.

Now i know you are probably thinking "this proved my morbid pessimism towards relationships" but it didn't i was petrified that she was telling me her bad experiences with marriage. I mean i was on the other end of the line, mouth open as she is telling me how her 1st marriage when she was 18 was horrible and her 2nd marriage with current psycho husband was even harder. So i told her. I was like "see this is what scares me about marriage, everything you just said is like my biggest fear".

I really am a hopeless romantic, and it makes me sick. Absolutely sick that i have unrealistic aspirations of falling head over heels in love. That i am willing to be so vulnerable in a relationship... i mean for me it isn't roses and dazzling presents. It's about a person i let my guard down for, who i cry in front of, who wipes aways the tears but realizes that they need to flow. I don't want much, just someone i can be "small and needy ", who i can depend on, who will never let me down.

But talking to Kay, she made the light bulb go off in my head. I love those moments. It's as if everything has clicked. I guess i keep forgetting that marriage isn't just about how much you love someone. I assumed that marriage is just for love, and roses, and swee times with the man who steals your heart. I mean it is in away(though not so disgustingly chessy), but it's also about how you live a life with this person. Love can only carry you so far if you look beyond it being just about the unrealistic "romance novel" aspect of it. You have to be like "can i spend the rest of my life with this person, will he support me in my aspirations as i do his, and am i willing to spend the rest of my life, ups and downs, with a person who is willing to go through life with me."

I mean if you put it in that respect, than i totally understand it. I mean as i write this, it's clicking again. She said you want someone who arises the butterflies in your stomach, who ,for me anyway, doesn't mind gazing at the stars, dancing, and occasional roof top retreats to watch the city lights, but he also has to be someone you can spend of your life surviving life with. I mean life is fucking hard. But it's a lot easier with the person you love, who can be your retreat.

I wanted to ask her so much more, i wanted to spill some more of my anxieties, but i didn't. I guess it's just nice to know that i can, whenever they arise. I use to believe that my soulmate( I was in a soulmate phase for a little while. I use to read these books by L.J Smith when i was in the 7th grade. It was about soulmates who were like vampires and other weird stuff, so i was convinced he was out there, well minus the blood sucking part, designed just for me), was out there looking at up at the same sky thay i looked at, and thats why i never felt lonely. I figure how could i feel lonely, if he was gazing up at the same night sky i was. Of course i have moved on from that stage, but its nice to not be so afraid of those relationships i try so hard to degrade.

It's just fear. We all just want to be loved, we all want to be important to someone else. In fear that i wont ever feel that safe, i avoid getting close. I assume nothing good will come from it, because that's all I've know. I guess i'm still working on that.

Well i'm pretty tired. My bed is calling me and tempting me with soft pillows and a big bear named Charlie. It has one this battle this time but not next time.

Goodnight and have pleasant dreams.

Oh...My sim is pregnant. Gavin and Beckett( okay you can totally make the face, but i couldn't think if any other male name and my sim needed a husband...) are due to have a baby any day now. She is very lazy now, and keeps pissing on the floor while eating her husband out of house and home.

I don't know why this game is so addictive.

A king without A crown

Jewish Rapper...I never saw it coming. I mean its the biggest oxymoron ever...but I absolutely love it. His name is Matisyahu, and even though I am a rock chick at heart, he has blown me away with his reggae(yes reggae).

I found out about him, on Vh1 or something, and though at first I was like " a Jewish reggae singer" what is it like a gimmick or something. Hell no people, the man is amazing. And I am hooked.

I notice than when I want something really bad, I think about it until I get it. I will search everywhere until I have it, like I can't be complete without it. So today I dragged my mom all over the place, until I found his Cd.

Though I would like to say this entry was all about how amazing and moving he is. It's about what I saw at Best Buy that shocked the hell out of me.

Coming home. It's a weird thing. I don't even mean me being home on break. But I mean the process of going home at all. The whole concept of Garden State in my mind, is finding your place where you spent the majority of your time running from. It's complicated. Even when I go back to Westchester, I seem to want to touch everything I may have touched when I was a kid. I go to the place where I kissed that Jason boy, and the park where my brother thought he was Superman and jumped from a very high part, only to be hospitalized. I go back my schools most of all. I guess I think by surrounding myself with things from my past, that pat of my life will rub off on me.

Some people want to go back home to prove how much they have changed. I like going back because I see that it hasn't change, and I like that in a way it never will. That yellow house on Chatteron Ave, in White Plains will always be the place that I laid my head at when I was younger. The time I skated in the house leaving horrible marks on the floor, the place where my brother got stung by a bee, our bus stop. They will always remain the same, because they are apart of me, and I guess i'm happy with that stability.

But what I don't like about returning home, is seeing all that has changed. People are now older, memories seem to be foggier, and it doesn't really seem like your home anymore. I guess I'm not talking about Westchester as much as I am talking about returning to my house for Christmas break. When I was in highschool I made it a point to not like it. I told people right off the back " I don't want to be remember at this school, I just want to fade away so when I become successful in anything I do no one from my past will track me down saying they knew me." But even though I did tell people that, I manage to make some friends and connections along the way, I mean it's life, there is no way you can go through life without making connections.

So while I was at Best Buy searching for my new obsession, I noticed a girl with extremely bright converse shoes. I mean they were orange, and stood out. Now I'm not one to just pass converse shoes without staring to see who the owner is. But her back was turned to me, so I went and got my CD, forgetting about the shoes. When I got in line, with my new cherished Cd, my mom pointed out the orange shoes. Now maybe it is because I am familiar with this girl, but even from the back I still kind of had a feeling that I knew this girl. I mean she is tall, has pale skin, and short curly hair. But I didn't want to be like "hey I think I know you" while she was trying to buy something.

Then I heard her laugh and knew it was her. (Oh...So about a month ago I took a learning test to see what type of learner I am ,and I thought I was a reading learning, but I found out that I am actually an "listening" learner, which makes since cause I have a way with sounds. Which is probably why I concentrate on how people say things. I guess I also recognize voices before anything else. ). I was about to go up to her, real excited that I had seen somebody from highschool I had made a "connection" with.

But as I approached, she turned slightly exposing her full belly I'm guessing she was around 7 months pregnant. I stopped right in my tracks, and some how thought my eyes had deceived me. Could it be? I mean clearly it was but..Shocked wasn't even the word, it was more like...It was like when you realize your home isn't really your home anymore. That though things remain, they never will be the same.

Her name is Jessica. And we were the rebels of our journalism class. While we wrote articles on abortion and other topics, the rest wrote articles on clothes, our princiPAl, and our football team losing again. We had formed a weird creative friendship. She brought me to her art class, where we ate cereal with the amazingly hott art teacher, and I took her to work in the library with me. It was one of those friendship, that begin so fast you think may have meet each other in another lifetime. The things with those type of friendships are that they are magical when all the pieces of fate are aligned. I had joined journalism after dropping a grammar class my guidance counselor had suggested( he just didn't mention that most of the people in the were freshman, I was a junior in a honors English coure, I had no business being there. It was awkward, we played the grammar game with pinto beans and dealt with simple sentence structures. I was out of there quick) , she really didn't like journalism because they never put in her articles...We bonded soon after that.

She was...quirky. She liked art, and wore different colored converse, and even let me dye them blue for no reason. And I liked her because she didn't care about being her...she just was and made no excuses about it.

When the year ended, we didn't see much of each other, and when my last year of school began, she was just beginning her junior year. We just didn't see much of each other. We were still cool though, excited when we say each other in the hall, but that was all.

So upon seeing her in Best Buy, I was a little more than shocked to see her pregnant. I mean she is talented, and had so much potential and now she is going to be a mother. Like a mother mother. And I got sad. Because unless she has the incredible drive, which if I know anything about her she doesn't, like Kay to succeed and do something better with her life then she will just do nothing fantastic with her life, as I know she can do. She will just be "that person who stays in their hometown an never made anything out of themselves." I mean there is nothing with staying in your hometown, I would more than move back to my hometown, but I will have seen and explored, and let myself know what was out there. Not be trapped because I had no incentive to want to explore this huge world.

Maybe its just because I expect something more than just to settle for what has been given to me. I expect to travel, and experience, and live freely before starting a new home and family.

So thats the thing about coming home, the place is the same, the memories always linger, but some how you know the faces are a little different. I guess thats the sad thing about it, because even though you go home to remember all the good times, that realization that those times aren't "real" anymore, makes you lose a little something with each journey back.

Coffee Talk

Coffee?

This topic of discussion has brought to light situations that arise from the a small cup filled with brewed tasty beans. Recently with the game Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, the main characters girlfriend asks him in for coffee, only to well have sex with him. ( i played the game, and i was invited in for coffee, but all i heard was noise i didn't see anything) Even on Seinfeld, there was the whole scenerio of what it really meant when someone asked you upstairs for coffe. What does that mean? Who drinks coffee at night, unless you are planing to stay up late. Does that mean the person likes you well enough to invite you to an intimate chat while drinking a great cup of coffee.

Reason for inquiry into the true intentions of coffee arise from a little letter i recieved in my email yesterday. Of course the Facebook is a huge college thing, and i even have one(which is how Art boy contacted me). It was real late last night and i was going to see if Kay left me an email when i notice one from a name i do not recognize. Its from a boy name Drew who has found my profile pretty interesting. Drew writes:

"Hey!
I was just going through the Buddhist group and saw your profile... I'll have to admit, it's not often I find someone else interested in such similar tastes. If you wanted to sometime, maybe we could meet for coffee or something and chat it up once we all get back in swing with the coming semester. Let me know. Peace, Drew"

I stared at this message for like 5 minutes. What does it mean? I mean i didn't even know i was in the Buddhist group (i'm interested in Buddhism, but haven't really took the steps to becoming serious about it). Okay...i have no idea what to do. I realized at that moment, i have no clue in the boy department. I mean maybe he just wants to get coffee and talk and become merry old good friends. But i'm not that naive. I mean maybe he really does want coffee. The other part of me, thinks he may want to get to know me in that way that would lead to a relationship more then friends. I checked his facebook profile, and he a music major, is from Pittsburgh, and loves NYC.

I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing. I mean throughout the whole day, i have been playing the scenerios of me getting coffee with this kid . I over analyze way to much, but i mean i could totally meet up with him, have a horrible time, regret that my first ever "date" would have went horrible. Maybe it's not even a date, i mean technically it's talking over coffee, but coffee is intimate. I mean when you drink coffee with someone it's usually just the two of you engaged in a fascinating conversation. Maybe my conversation will be horrible, my cursing will repulse him, and he will go around talking badly about the "date/hanging out" with a girl who couldn't hold a conversation to save her life.

But what i'm more afraid of, is me liking him. He seems like a decent guy, if anything we would probably make really good friends. Maybe i'm just thinking too much about it. I mean maybe he wrote to more girls saying "hey how you doing" and i am just too guilable to see past his devious intentions. Or maybe he really just wants to get to know me. And i shouldn't shun getting pursued.

I also thought about Art boy. I really like Art boy. A lot. And if anything i would rather him ask me out for coffee, but i can't wait for him, or really for me to get the balls enough to talk to him. Whats a girl to do? I told my mom about it, because well...for once i had no idea what to do. She says coffee is just coffee and that i should go. Then of course she kept questioning who he was, did i know him from class, what was his last name again, he's older then me, yadda yadda yadda. Thats when i tuned her out.

...So i wrote him back. I mean i wrote him back before i talked to my mom i just needed to hear my concerns out loud i guess. I just said something like "coffee would be cool, yadda yadda yadda". I don't know. It's just coffee after all. Who ever got hurt gettiing coffee. Maybe i shouldn't think it will be like San Andreas, clearly coffee is not code for "we're going to party like it's 1999".

Why wait until i'm on vacation to ask me for coffee. and why coffee something i can't turn down. If it would have been "maybe we can go listen to Barry Manilow Cd's in my apartment" than i could have turned him down, and avoided all this weirdness i am feeling.

We'll see what happens.

Diamond in the Rough.

Wasn't that the theme of America's Next Top Model this season?

Anyway.

I've always heard that phrase use about aspects of my life. When i was in journalism i wrote this really good article about a faculty member at my highschool. He was like the oldest guy ever, who wore pimped out suits, talked about the good old days when you had to walk to school. His name was Mr. Mack and he became a sort of staple at the school. The interview with him went great, he was open to all the questions that i had to ask him and even helped me when i drew a blank( i suck at interviewing people, i once had to interview the coach for the swimming team, and i was nearly recruited.). I spent the whole week making sure the paper was just the way i wanted it to be. And even the editor and the teacher said it was a good article. It was touching. My teacher said "right now it is a diamond in the rough, but with a little polishing, it is a really strong article." Of course it was not published and instead some piece about the newest fashion was put in.

Thats pretty much seems to be the story of my emergence into "adulthood" i have seemed to reverse the aging process and have somehow reverted in an awkard teen stage, which usually comes before the age of 19. I'm still awkard and unsure of myself, and have days when i just want to feel pretty.

I mean when i was younger( i know i'm only 19), i was like "i'm hot stuff, and i know it". My brother always jokes that i was more of a boy crazed girl when i was 8, then now. And i wonder if that is because in a way i'm afraid to be dare i say...pretty. attractive. A hot stellar babe.

The times i have been asked out i A) was too blind to notice i was getting hit on, and only realized afterwards when Marie made fun of me B) hid under a table. Okay so i've been stalked a couple of times, but thats a whole other traumatic story, that my mom loves to bring up.

I dont know why i've become so uncomfortable in my skin. Maybe its a fear of relationships with people. Of getting so invovled only to have to leave them. Really its the fear that they will leave me, grow bored, move on, and i will have invested all of that emotion and devotion only to be rejected.

Even though i said Romeo and Juliet was a stupid movie, when i flip through the channels while looking for something to watch, i will stop when i see it on the telly and get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe Romeo and Juliet had it easy. I mean sure it's tragic that they died, and their families suffered greatly. But they will never grow old, never get mad at each other, never become disinterested, worry about jealousy, deception. I mean i'm not saying there is not a lot of good things that come with love, but for them they will never experience the bad. The bad is painful, i mean it's life, but it's a painful part.

Relationships are not somthing you can scrap when things get bad. I mean it's not something you can just run away from (now the dream about the doctor makes sense). And i notice that i have a tendency of running when things get too tough for me . When emotions get involved that is. I have protected myself from getting hurt in relationships by denying them all together.

So when i look back and go "i wonder where the big shift came and i became such a shell of who i "was" " I notice that what i should be really saying is "When i did i become so afraid". I think thats what the whole diamond in the rough thing refers. All the pieces are there, but you i'm just not putting them together right. I assumed i was missing the pieces, that i lost them along the way, and was on a search to recover them. When really I've always had them, but just have not put them in the right place, and the picture is just distorted.

"What will we do Macgyver?"

As I have stated before...I am pretty much the female Macgyver.

Okay so I can't build a bomb with a toothpick and some aluminum foil. But I do think of a plan very quickly in sometimes stressful situations. Other than my complete devotion of wanting to help people for the remainder of my life, to do some greater good for people, I mainly want to be a doctor, because it's really the only thing I know how to do. I mean sure journalism was once something I wanted to do for fun, but after an unsuccessful high school stint I choose to writing in journal form, or fiction(I started writing a new story yesterday, extremely excited). I was interested in screenplays and movies for a while, well I still am, but I know that there are a lot of people who are out to "make it". When I weighed my options, dabbled in what else I would be good at, could possible do for a living, I always came back to being a doctor. Not even like a doc who works in the hospital(though thats what I probably want to really do) but I have always been interested in psychology and things like that.

I think my passion for becoming a doctor, stems from my abilities at solving problems. My Macgyver skills. I usually don't assert myself, but give me a door that won't open, and paper jam, an exit out of a huge building, and other things, I will quickly see what the problem is, and come up with the steps to fix it. I usually pull it out of my ass though( I know I could have used a better phrase..sue me...okay don't really sue me, i'm a broke college student), I mean I don't really know what my plans involve, but they usually start with me saying "do you have a pen and a wet paper towel", no duck tape for this story friends.

I guess thats a positive aspect(since I always seem to dwell on the negative), is that I think quick on my feet. I don't crack under pressure,and don't give up, until all my resources have dried up. Part of my Macgyver personality traits is being equipped with a plan. If Plan A fails, you have to have Plan B, C, D...

Lately i've been thinking a lot about Plan B.

Plan A is for me to go directly to Med school in Penn some where, or areas surrounding that(Boston,NYC, and dare I say it...NJ). Ideally I would like to say that plan was the easiest one to accomplish, but my not so stellar performances in science related areas would say otherwise. I mean I can honestly say, I have never been a fan of the boring science crap. I mean I like genetics, tell me to talk about progeria,retrovirus, and defects resulting in trisomy 1(down syndrome), and other diseases... you've got me started. Tell me to talk about what the hell a mitochondria is, or how to find the molarity a compound that is involved in neutralization reaction....you got another thing coming.

It's not that I don't like learning about the boring aspect, but they are so broad that unless you have some background on them(or are a programmed freshman sent from the CIA to make me feel like a idiot), then they kind of seem like a big pile of mess, inside my head.

Plan B. Oh plan B. I changed my major to psych like 2 months ago, and when I went to the conference with the med students, they had all said the same thing. "Take a year off". Med school will basically suck the life out of you, "run for the hills". Okay the last one I didn't here, but you literally saw that med school had beat some of those kids down.

Though taking off for a year of debauchery(though it would be totally fun) is out of the question. Grad school isn't. I figure psychology is something that I am hella interested in, and would be sort of fun to have that year or whatever in books and crap( I don't know why I imagine grad school to be some great highlight of my educational years.) I mean I could go to school in NJ,PA, MA or maybe even hit back up NYC. I like to learn, I like filling my head with new knowledge and thats a good plan B. A great plan B I must say. I'll formulate more things that go along with Plan B later, but the blueprint seems strong.

I decided to grade myself this semester. Forgot those normal grades the professors gave me. But looking back on my semester I notice all the things I could have done, and the all the time I wasted.

B- in trying new things. I did go to the conference, and Kays house, and joined a 2 new clubs(I am now writing a newsletter for a pre-med club), but I didn't go to Art boys club, the theater down the street, or any school related activities.

C in making some friends at school. I did talk to more people then last year. I mean I talked with my lab partner, and some people in bio, a girl named Erin(who I talked to later on in the semester) and me and Kay are becoming wickedly close. But I still have Mike hanging on by a thread, and I haven't talked to people with more of the same interest as me at school.

D in keeping my room clean. I'm disgusting. I am not organized, I lose everything, and towards the end I have become so use to the clutter I couldn't find anything when it was clean.

F with the boys and other social things. Art boy was bust, though he lives in the same hall, one floor up, and I keep running into him. I avoided leaving my room at all cost, and created crushes on celebrities intstead of boys who I can actually attain (eww... I had a dream about my brothers friend Robert, who graduated with me, and who I knew and talked on and off. It was hella creepy...).

A for...I don't know. I just wanted to have one A on my "you are flunking life Beckett" list. I guess an A is for...My...willingness to...okay I guess an A can go to leaving behind the past. I recognize that I can not progress into my very bright future if I do not blow out the fading light of my past. Though I recently got in touch with my old friend from White Plains, I have not attempted to call my Ex-best friend in New Rochelle, and have even deleted her off of IM.

A is for the growth I am displaying, and for further things I learn about myself as I let myself be vulnerable, and let go of some of my constraints. Thats counts as 2 A's. Yeah

So thats 14 divided by 6. which is a astounding 2.3 GPA of my life. It's a C-. I'll do better next semester. My life deserves at least a 3.5 grade report.

Oh...before I go. I read the most amazing words off of DarkMachines blog. I've been away for a week, so the majority of my night was spent catching up on what I had missed on everyones blog. I'm star gazer. I mean i'm a dreamer so naturally the stars are profound for me. I think every year for about 5 years I asked for a telescope. So I ended up with so many of them by the time I was 12 that I later gave them away. So reading the line, well the whole entry actually a) made me tear up b) made me give it an A for most profound thought in the closing days of this year. It was really deep people, Deep. So in closing here is the thought that made me tear up in reference to the stars I stare up at night( I hope you don't mind me putting it on my here blog).

"How nice it would be to be with them. I would't ask for much, just to fill the space between the stars. No one would even notice I was there."