Ugh Argh Blerg

I am not feeling it these days.

I have a strange case of lethargy that I cant seem to shake. Maybe because it's finally starting to feel like fall and the change has stilled me. Or maybe it's because I am in a weird place where my mind can't seem to make up its mind about anything. So not thinking is a better option.

Work feels pointless. I am still pulling in full time hours despite my breakdown a few weeks ago where I blatantly complained of working too much. I miss having some sort of a weekend off and have contemplated asking for Sundays off. Permanently. That would mean only four days at the bookstore. 2 days of job hunting, GRE studying and general upkeep days. And 1 day of rest.

But could I survive off of four days a week salary? I do not know.

On top of that employee evaluations are coming up and because the management has so drastically changed from last year my assessment (and raise) will hinge on that of the Evil Manager. This may not be the time to ask for another day off because of stress and general disinterest in being there.

I am also training a bunch of new people while the regular crew settles into the misery that is the bookstore. Pretty Ricky is NOT as stellar as Kat made him out to be. Sure he is funny and nice but that is all. I spent the weekend training him at customer service and outside of a very pretty face he is not that interesting and it pisses me off that she made me girl jealous for no reason.

The customers continue to suck. The managers continue to hang out in their office while we BS our way on the floor. And if I have to have another conversation regarding e-readers I think I may die. Really.

The lethargy has to have something to do with this great change I am waiting for in my life. I can honestly say I have no idea what to do with myself. I graduated with no clue on what I wanted for my life and now I am sitting face to face with the idea I have of myself and my sullen actuality staring back at me. It's frustrating.

I'm frustrated. And I can't move because of it. I am wedged in some unmovable place that I am too tired to shake from at the moment. I do hope this doesn't last long and that I can gain my enthusiasm and momentum again. I need it.

I miss it.

Pretty Ricky Was His Name.

Deciding to pursue higher education in the form of grad school was not (and has not been) an easy decision to make. Apart of me cannot help but feel like that kid who signed up for band at the beginning of the year but because the amount of kids allowed to join the 'introductory' class has been filled, I've been placed in the less popular orchestral club out of pity. Yes that is how i got my hands on the violin. I was a very sad 8 year old.



What I'm trying to say is that there is a part of me that feels disappointed that this real world thing is not working out. That I cannot hack this economy and this job market like I wanted to. I feel so naive about moving here. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy not to be living in South Carolina moping around and driving my mom crazy but my life here is far from perfect. And like being turned away from band ( i really wanted to play the trumpet) I've been giving a consolation gift for my efforts.



Applying to grad school is going to be tough. The last time I sort of bs-ed my way around the application process and refused to retake the GRE. But the kids graduating from school this time around are smart. They know the job market is horrible, they are going to cruise right past the right of passage that is 'post grad slump' and continue on to the next phase that is higher education which means that the application process is competitive and I will have to be on my A++ game.



I am going to take the GRE in November and then again in January. I have four schools that I am eyeing, plus another two or three that I need to consider. I also still have this UK scheme to apply to and am need to secure a job while I am still in New York. I am keeping my possibilities open out of blind faith that one of them will work out but the next few months are going to be a struggle and I expect there to be a lot of coffee consumption. LOTS.



I just need a change and the benefits of going to grad school out weigh the negative (student loans). I actually miss school and learning things and though my undergraduate career was pretty uneventful, I am looking forward to being a graduate student if I can get in that is.


I seriously think I am suffering from a Quarter Life Crisis. I worry about things that 18 year old me couldn't give a shit about. I worry about what I want to do with my life, where I want to live, what sort of adventures and misadventures i want to get myself into (or out of depending on the day). It's all a little overwhelming and terrifying and confusing.

Outside of my professional and educational worries, the social aspects of my life are stressful too. I am much better socially than I was two years ago. I am still awkward as hell and prefer my days off to myself, but I am in control of some aspects of my anxiety and talking to people is easier. But that doesn't mean I am exactly where I want to be socially.

I continue to make friend-like connections with people to the point where I have things to do every once in a while but I have not established close enough connections where I have a core group of friends to confide in. My Friday nights are still spent hanging out by myself watching Netflix online or reading books. Surprisingly not trashy ones.

And I know that this has everything to do with me and the parts of anxiety that I do not yet have control over. I have insecurities about fitting in and being judged and all that jazz. I can't wrap my head around the fact that people want to hang out with me and get to know me. It's all too much to process and I have a tendency of keeping people at bay.

On the boy level...well there isn't any level. I am afraid at this point that I will be an old maid with a billion cats and maybe a subscription to 'Knitting n Style' magazine. It's very difficult being a 24 year old girl surrounded by 20 year old and older women who are so comfortable around guys I silently take notes from a distance.

In High School my only romantic interest was my best guy friend Justin, who came from an uber religious family so nothing ever come of that. Outside of him though, me and Marie were the ugly ducklings in school. We were those girls people would openly make fun of because the only guys we were ever paired with were dorkier than us.

Though that I am not that awkward 16 year old girl anymore, I am still very insecure when it comes to boys. I often find myself feeling like the 'ugly duckling' around them especially when you are friends with Kat who has no trouble in the boy department.

Recently the store hired a very (very, very) attractive guy named Ricky. The first day I met him I was like 'hmmmm, interesting lad. Kind of pretty. Thank you hiring manager'. I immediately inquired about the new boy before introducing myself and of course upon further inspection realized that he is the hottest guy whose ever worked with us. I have donned him Pretty Ricky for that reason.

Kat did not find Pretty Ricky that pretty at first but I made a comment regarding my 'attraction' to him a few days ago and she has been all over Pretty Ricky ever since. And like the awkward 16 year old me, I don't even see the use in trying to get his attention because compared to Kat I don't stand a chance. Yes, I know that he's new and could have a girlfriend or a wife or a boyfriend. I don't even have any real intention of falling in like with this guy. But sometimes I want to be the interesting girl that guys flock to.

I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy when Kat said she spent the last two days working with Pretty Ricky and 'enjoying' his company. He's so funny, and witty, and sarcastic. 'we have a connection already. I'm glad i can talk to you about this'. This is the same girl who has a boyfriend and a crush on Evan and who receives presents (yes, presents) from various hot customers. Couldn't she just let me revel in Pretty Ricky without stirring up my Ugly Duckling syndrome.

I am only hit on by old men and boys under the age of 15. So sometimes I get annoyed by Kat's obsession with the male species. She thrives off of their attention, even though she won't admit it.She is always approached by attractive boys our age, and jealousy rears it's ugly head when I hang out with her because I am ignored often during interactions with the opposite sex.

I do understand what Kat's draw is. She's that alternative chick that nerd boys love. She reads graphic novels and listens to 90's rock while being a fan of pop culture phenoms and girly things. She is beautiful yet insecure and guys want to take care of her or be around her.

I, on the other hand, am never going to be that girl. I have control issues which prevent me from ever (ever) playing the role of victim. I am not that girly but rather pretty goofy. But I do want to be comfortable enough in my skin where I can engage boys that I like without pause of concern or silently wondering if I am being interesting.

Because while Kat has hit it off with Pretty Ricky (and every other male employee) I have not.

I too had a conversation with Pretty Ricky but he didn't seem too interested in talking to me. He was very bland and stiff and I didn't get the sense of 'witty awesomeness' that Kat has been privy too. I immediately surmised that he would not be witty or awesome around me because I am not that interesting or (chucks here i go) attractive enough to bother with.

And hell, now I am not even going to give Pretty Ricky a chance on a friend level because of the 'connection' he has already made with Kat and because I know she will lure him in so she has another guy fawning over her.

I am a horrible person aren't I? I have too much time on my introverted hands. But I feel all kinds of confronted by the things I want, the people I would like in my life and the person I want to be. And my jealousy towards 'pretty alternative girls' or people my age who seem to have it together (whatever it is) has more to do with my inability to grasp what I want to make out of this life. And fears that I an no closer to figuring out what I want than I was a few years ago.

F*cking Quarter Life Crisis and damn Pretty Ricky's.

You're Welcome

Today i was scheduled to come in at 10am, but I got a frantic call from my manager at 8 asking if I could possibly come into work 'like now' because two people called out and she had no one to get the store in order before the bookstore officially opened at 10.

Of course I couldn't say 'are you fucking nuts', i was scheduled for 10, I'm not going to come in an hour and a half early. But I didn't. Instead, I put on the first pair of work pants i could find and then threw on a rather raggedy sweatshirt and went to work an hour early.

You would think that I would get a 'thanks Beck, you're a life saver' but as soon as I showed up she threw a million and one things my way and the rest of the day I felt in the pits.

There is a terrible soul sucking feeling that occurs via working in retail. 1) you get shit from customers, as if your whole life has led to this 'big achievement'. Oh, look a job working in a bookstore. you're mom must be proud is that look I often get from people and it's infuriating. When someone spells the word 'and' in front of your face as if you have never seen nor heard the word before, you can't help but wonder what the fuck you are doing with your life that it has led to this.

Secondly, there is no reward (on any end) for your hard work. So you came into work today an hour early and spent much of your shift manning down the fork in the children's department, customer service and the cash register, who cares. Not the managers of course, who still give you shit for telling an old lady you could put a clearance item on hold for her (apparently that is not allowed). Not from your employees who are for the most part very intelligent slackers who can go hours talking about a zombie Apocalypse but putting a book away on a shelf...Christ no.

I stayed an extra 30 minutes after my shift ended because there are a bunch of new people who needed help working the phones and the computers. Well, actually it was one new person and his name is Rick and boy do i have an uber crush on him (more on that later) but still. At the end of the day, I still didn't get a 'thanks for your hard work' from anyone. Not even the manager who asked me to come in and help.

And yet, I can't move on from this place. There seem to be no jobs, or rather, no jobs that want to hire me. And I am not taking this to heart but it's beyond frustrating. And of course everyone is starting school this semester. And they are all bummed that they have exams next week and essays to write on 'dead poets' and I want to smack them all in the face and say 'hey, you could be slaving away at a bookstore working minimum wage. Shut up'

I really miss being in school. I really miss the feeling of progression. That there are people supporting my ideas and concepts and the exploration of....things. I hate the drudgery that is my life and the people that I am around. And for once I can say that I am over this 'real world' thing...and have decided to go to grad school.

For real.

I know my past attempts have been without real sincerity. I didn't take the application process seriously and may have waited until the last day to turn things in. But, professionally I am not where I want to be. I can't find a job and internships are financially not possible. And because I rushed graduating I know I never utilized the many services college life has to offer. So yeah, while I still look for a job to pay the bills I'm applying to grad school. I have a couple of schools in mind and have requested grad information to be sent my way. I will have to take the GRE again (argh!) and I will have to find some people to recommend me (double argh) But yeah, I feel good about doing this.

The real world sucks. I have no immediate place in it. Grad School here I come.

Leaving Baggage Behind.

I am very sick. Very very sick. So sick that i've already called out from work tomorrow because my head hurts so bad I am worried that my brain is bleeding. Yes, I know that is not a possibility but damn it all to hell if I don't feel like crap.

There has been a bug going around for a while but I know that I got this current bug from Angie. She came over this weekend with an awful cold. She tossed and turned the whole night and then proceeded to wipe her nose with various things that were not napkins. I almost gagged.

Now I am sick. Too sick to do much of anything. It feels like that time last year when I had the flu. My throat, head and bones just feel awful. And I hate that after a lackluster trip I now have a cold to top things off.

Okay I have to take some of that back. The weekend was pretty good. Angie and I went to the Strand and bought a crap load of books followed by a trip to the Guggenheim and an art festival. After a year apart we fell into everything so quickly, it was hard to believe we hadn't hung out since May 2009.

But. My friendship with Angie revolved around our mutual disdain for working at the bookstore and life being a crap fest. I realize now that the reason we got along so well at the time was because we were unhappy with our life. Misery loves company and we liked each other because of it.

But the moment she moved to DC our friendship sort of fell to shit. We text each other every few months and sometimes say how much we miss each other on facebook. But when she came down this weekend it wasn't like I yearned to be around her. We continued to talk about post grad struggles and general anxieties about life. But I got the sense that she hangs on to our friendship because I am doing worse than her. That I am that friend, that we all have, that you sort of keep around because as long as there life is worse than yours you don't feel so crappy.

She'd ask me about work, or how much I made, or how much I had to pay for rent and how difficult it must be for me. But it was with this tone of 'I'm glad it's not me'. She even said that at one point when I gave her a tour of my 'crib' she said 'i didn't think about renting a room before i left. I should have. or maybe not'. What the hell does that mean.

So while the day went well, I couldn't help but fell dragged down by some of her comments. And that there must be a little part of her that likes me only because I am not doing as well as her. That she has one friend she can come and visit and look down on. I could be overreacting and being overly emotional but that is what this whole weekend felt like.

AND she gave me a cold. I plan on sleeping all day tomorrow and watching Netflix because of it.

Thanks Angie

Uploads from the City.

Here are a few shots from my day in the city with Angie. I had a really good time. The day wasn't without it's hiccups but for the most part I enjoyed myself. The morning started pretty well but towards the end of the trip Angie started having random bouts of... freak outs. Naturally she is a very 'spacey' sort of 'frantic' person. But that combined with general angst and often times preoccupation with other things (texting) was a little too much for me.

We went to The Strand (awesome), The Guggenheim (not awesome) and about five Starbucks. There was an art festival/farmers market and concert in Union Square and I was creatively inspired by the city. We ate a bunch of inexpensive but tasty food and walked several blocks of new york streets.

The day was sans any of the weird drama the news was predicting (where we were anyway) and we spent about ten hours in the city. All and all it was a good day and I have a bunch of books to sort through from the three hours we spent at the Strand. Like I need anymore books in my room.

More pictures to come.

Weekend Plans.

A few weeks ago Angie asked if she could come up to visit me in New York the second week of September.



A quick recap. Angie was my first real new york friend (and of course she is from Kansas. Because everyone who lives here isn't from here). She started working at the bookstore after being laid off from an archive job and spent a good 8 months slaving away at the bookstore with me. When I say we immediately became friends, I mean it. I introduced myself to her as soon as I saw her, and it was like a moment of 'we are totally going to be friends aren't we?'. As simple as pie.



It's so weird that I am often criticized for not hanging out with people from work when there was a time when Angie and I hung out every day. From movies, to coffee dates to late night drives around the area, she was my partner in crime. We made Obama cupcakes for goodness sakes! When she relocated to DC for a real job I knew that my social activity would go from 'something to do every day with someone I liked' to 'damn I have nothing to do and no where to go'



We've been trying to set up a weekend when I can come down to Dc or her to New York for a year now but our plans always fell throw. But when she asked back in August if she could come up just for a weekend of hanging out, I immediately thought 'hell yeah'.



But shit. Now that weekend in question is upon me and I am a little nervous. August was a really bad month and this last week has been hell in every way shape or form. She asked if I could house her in my room and at first I was like 'I don't know I don't really have the space". But it wouldn't make sense for her to come to New York and stay with another friend if her intention is to spend the weekend with me. And by moving my bed I've created enough space in my room for her to crash without it being weird.



But I guess I am not use to housing people or better yet 'entertaining people' for longer than a few hours. Even friends. And now she is going to be here in New York and in my room for the whole weekend. I came up with a cool list of things we could do this weekend all involving a trip to the city. But yeah, of all the weekends to gallivant around the city like young twenty something year olds,this weekend is going to be the most appropriate time to do that especially because of the memorials and protests that will take place on Saturday.



There are plenty of things we can do around town. I think. But I guess I am more concerned about those dreaded awkward silences that may arise throughout this two day weekend. Sure we both have plenty to say to one another. So much has happened in the year since she moved that there will be plenty of things to discuss. But I can't help but wonder if our friendship thrived off of the misery that we both felt (and I still feel) working at the bookstore. Don't get me wrong this chick is amazing. She loves Dorothy Parker, is a complete foodie, can have intellectual conversations with me about romance novels ( I am obsessed with analyzing this genre) and has been to Scotland. And the night she asked me if I wanted to go on a drive with her because 'it helps me think' I knew that I loved this girl. Hardcore.

But I worry nonetheless that I will be boring and she will regret having wanted to come up.

Regardless of my nerves, I've cleaned my room exceptionally well today (where is my mom to reward me for this) and am stoked to see Angie tomorrow. I have to work from 10-6 and she won't be into town until 9 but we plan on grabbing dinner at our favorite diner around the corner where hamburgers are sure to be consumed. If she isn't too tired we may even go for a late night drive.

Outside of my nervousness I realize how much I really want to relax this weekend and just have a good time with an old friend. I feel like my mind, life and emotional state has gone to shit ever since I returned from vacation and being able to forgo the seriousness of my life for 48 hours will do some good.

First Day of Kindergarten...Again.

I'd like to interrupt my slew of depressive posts to talk about my cousins first day of Kindergarten.



My relationship with my aunt is mending nicely. The suckassness of being 'asked out' of her home still makes me stomach drop but I refuse to let any animosity between her stop me from seeing my cousin Michelle.



This kid is freaking amazing and I am not saying this because I am a little biased. Alright, I lied I am totally biased but I generally don't find all kids to be awesome, so i'm a good judge in the 'is your kid horrible' department. Some kids, having worked in the children's department for six months now, can be little shits. I attribute this to their parents because I have literally wanted to curse out some of these heathens that walk into the store. When they aren't trashing the place (something I blame on the parents naturally) they are rude little buggers.



And Michelle is not perfect. She has thrown many a tantrums in the past. You couldn't take her to a store (target) without her losing her shit over something. But I don't know. The little kid I knew two years ago has...matured into this awesome 5 year old. Where I would have to once force hugs out of her she now gives them away freely . She is smart and intuitive and she asks a bunch of questions about the world around her. She is a girly girl who is not afraid to get dirty and her imagination is endless.



I love this kid and some of my fondest memories of New York revolve her. So when my aunt got in contact with me to say that Michelle wanted me to go to her first day of Kindergarten with her, my heart did the opposite of breaking into a million little sad pieces. Instead it burst into shards of happiness.



Last weekend I went with her and my aunt for student teacher orientation. It was a Girls Day Extravaganza. Michelle (and my aunt surprisingly) was so happy to see me and show me her purple room and crayons and dolls and...well you get the point. She is attending the Elementary school I went to as a kid, right around the corner from their house. It's a 15 minute walk and the whole way we talked about how cool going to school was going to be. She held my hand the whole way and asked if we could get pizza afterwards. Naturally my aunt and I were not opposed to this.



Orientation went well. We met her teacher, showed her around the classroom and she even met a new friend. After pizza I assured Michelle and my aunt that I would get up bright an early next Tuesday (today) to take Michelle to her first day of School. I wouldn't miss it for the world.



Getting up this morning after a closing shift though was pretty rough though. I sat my alarm to 6:30 so that I could shower and eat before heading to my aunts house. I was going to walk but I live on the other side of town so I opted for a cab.



I am going to skip the extensive hell that whole cab ride was. Lets just say he drove me to the wrong address and then started screaming at me about being 'daft' for not paying attention. This is where I completely lost it on this guy and demanded that he take me back to my house because I wasn't going to get in an argument with him and that if he wanted to provide great service he should never ,ever, speak to anyone the way he spoke to me. He sort of apologized and then offered to drive me to the correct address (after I asked him to take me back to my original address like 5 times). I relented but ended the conversation with ' I will be contacting your supervisor this whole thing was unprofessional. You probably have a daughter my age and I bet you wouldn't talk to her the way you just spoke to me'. Um. can we say bad ass moment of the day. Yay me!



Anyway, when I got to my aunts house (after cursing out a cabbie's manager) Michelle was just getting ready. She was dressed in a skirt and a cute cardigan isque shirt with knee socks and mary jane shoes. We all headed to school and talked about Hanna Montana and the Jonas Brothers. Michelle was a little more nervous then usual on the walk to school (despite attending summer camp there) and I kept touching her face and saying 'you are going to do fine Kiddo'. When we got to school the parking lot was crazy with parents and crying kids and it felt like an uncomfortable circus scene.



Michelle is a very brave girl by all standards. She has a tendency of behaving as if she is much older than her 5 years. I catch myself having to remind her that though she is a 'big girl' she is still a 'little girl' and there's nothing wrong with that. But because she is often very self sufficient and looks much older than most 5 year old (she is pretty tall) I sometimes lose sight of the fact that she is going to Kindergarten. Kindergarten! How were we ever that young?



Michelle held it together for the most part. But as soon as we stopped in front of the building to take 'classic first day of school photo's' she sort of had that 'what's next' look on her face. She wasn't afraid per se but there was definitely some apprehension on her part. Like she just realized that she was going to school for the first time ever. Her eyes sort of glazed with a wide eyed amazement and a mixture of confusion. Like she finally realized this was a big deal. A huge deal.

We took one more photo of her outside and she sort of lingered on the steps for a moment. I asked her is she was ready and that moment of fear passed before her. As quickly as it had come it was gone and replaced with excitement and...assurance that everything was going to be okay. She looked up at me and said quite proudly 'yeah I'm ready' and then slapped my hand so hard the silly band ring she gave me earlier flew off my finger.

They made us hoard her into the auditorium where all the kindergartners were to meet and be dispersed from. Before sitting down she waved to some of her friends from camp and then took her place between an equally freaked out kid. Before leaving we reminded her of her teachers name and to follow an adult with a badge and that her mom would be there to pick her up from school and the nurses office was steps away if she ever got hurt and...but she interrupted and took her book bag off to get comfortable in her chair ' i know' she said with this wayward sort of confidant sort of nervous smile on her face. 'I know".

And then we left. It was over and the Belle (my nickname for her) was starting her first day of Kindergarten. Her first day of the rest of her life. And it's so weird, you know, ever thinking that you were once that small with such 'small' fears as starting a brand new school and becoming a 'big girl'. But I'm starting to think that not much has changed since I was her age, since that day I realized that 'today' was the beginning of something great.

The last few weeks have been rough. I have had a horrible time of ups and downs, regrets and acceptances and straight up frustration with my life. I can't figure out who I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing. I have this idea of myself, I have this general image of my life but how to make that an actuality is difficulty. I don't even feel like I am at a crossroads because that would denote that I had a million and one different opportunities awaiting me. It's a different sort of feeling.

My favorite story in the whole entire world is "We're Going On A Bear Hunt" which describes in a melodic cadence a family venturing from their house to explore the world outside. They encounter long wavy grass, a deep cold river and thick oozy mud on their way to the cave. And at each 'obstacle' they realise that can't go over, they can't go under it....but they have to go through it. If they want the adventure and all. And that is what my life feels like now. That I am not at a crossroads of sorts but rather at a point where in the journey where I am unsure of how to move forward. I obviously can't find some short cut around my feelings of stasis I have trudge through it if I want to continue.

And going to the First Day of Kindergarten with Michelle reminded me that life isn't too different from childhood. Outside of not having momentous days (kindergarten, first slumber party, turning 13, turning 16 )to mark a new phase of life, everyday is the beginning of the rest of your life. And it's fucking scary because it's suppose to be. Because you'd have to be inhuman to not fear becoming a person you don't hate. A person you can look at in the mirror and not regret.

And I currently understand that look in Michelle eyes before we led her into the auditorium. That 'who they hell are all these people and what am I suppose to do next' stare that I couldn't help trying to console. But it wasn't necessarily fear she was experiencing, it wasn't necessarily a look of preparation to flee. It was sort of shock and awe at being a person, and becoming someone, and not understanding what's next but being apprehensive, confidant, and assured that things will eventually be okay.

'I know' they will.

I've Run Into A Wall.

Jesus, I had a colossal breakdown today. Colossal thanks to the five hours of sleep I got last night.

There was a time, when I was eighteen, when I literally thought I was losing my mind. I understand now that I was simply an eighteen year old girl. It's normal to hate your mom and life and look for ways of perpetual escape.

But based on my current emotional and mental state, I want to punch 18 year old me in the face for ever thinking that I was crazy then. 'Look at me now' I want to scream 'this is what crazy looks like. this is what it actually feels like'. My mind is very muddled these days. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't see beyond the hour or even the minute. I find that I am not happy with things and because of this I don't know how to react to things.

So maybe this has something to do with the failure that is PNJ and maybe it has something to do with Heather getting a crappy teaching job (and waving it in front of all of our faces. guess who came into for a cup of coffee. because you know there are no other coffee places in her town) but there has to be something else. There has to be for me to feel this bad.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge or anything. Or start being mournful to the point where I start saying 'have my computer and printer, I'm not going to need those things anymore in the afterlife' but i am...depressed. I am sad. I am grieving over losses that small and big.

I am doing my best to keep my head up. I dance as much as I can. I sing as loudly as I can. And I play around with writing to keep my sane. But going to work has become a chore. Being the happy smiley all my shits together girl is not cutting it anymore. The changes in the store are beyond ridiculous. We are short staffed and overworked, and all the new people they've hired have quit within days of being hired.

Because of this the rest of us are spread thin. Very thin. I've worked six days straight one week and I am clocking in +35 hours in that store. I know, I know. A real job would require that much of a commitment. But I'm not making real job money and I have to deal with customers who are jackasses. A guy today went on a 'this is why amazon is more convenient' spiel because there was only one copy of a book he wanted in the store and he couldn't understand why our inventory was shitty ( not that I'm a spokesperson for the bookstore I work at or anything but if you are ordering from a warehouse of course there are going to be more things in stock...asshole). Yeah. My job is great.

Anyway, the point is that not only I am unhappy with the way things are going but working at a crappy job where my skills can't be utilized and people talk to you as if you didn't graduate middle school, is quite the soul sucker. I just don't enjoy being there anymore. Everyone expects me to come in with a huge smile on my face and some optimistic we can do it gang speech but I just can't anymore. Because while I am cheering on the team I am slowly feeling more miserable about my own state of affairs. So I'm done cheering for them now. I just want to move on.

And then today happened. Which was just a big giant mess of a day that I never want to repeat. I had to close last night and then open this morning. We didn't get out of the store until 12:45 last night, I got home at 1:15. I couldn't get to sleep until 2:00 because I always get some weird sort of energy after working late. Then I had to wake up six hours later to get ready for my shift at 10.

Bullshit.

As I was on my way to work tired, hungry and depressed I heard a noise coming from an abandoned building I pass everyday. A month and a half ago an Indian restaurant caught on fire in my town. They were open for like 20 years and were a local favorite. The day it burned to the ground a huge crowd of people stood across the street and watched. It was one of the hottest days of this summer and Josh said it best that the weather was leading up to something like that. That in some weird way something had to burn to relieve the tension the heat caused. I don't know, it made sense at the time. I remember telling him that too.

The Indian restaurant ended up burning to the ground taking with it four other businesses. It was pretty brutal and the only building that survived was one that has been abandoned for years. Go figure. I pass this building every day to go to work and today as I was getting ready to make my turn to head towards the job I hear what I believed to be a baby crying. At first the sound was too low and I thought it was in the distance, but as I got further away the sound of crying turned out to be the sound of howling from a cat trapped in the building.

I look up to the second floor to see this terribly skinny, white cat with black spots pushing his face up against the window and howling from the second floor. It was the saddest thing that I've ever seen. I tried to open the door of the building it was locked and boards covered the only other entrance. There weren't any windows on the ground floor, just these wall length glass walls. As I tried to find a way in, the cat kept yelling while I struggled with my want to help it and my apprehension of going to jail. Of course 20 minutes pass and I can't find any other way into the damn building to... I don't know....rescue the cat. By then I'm running late and the cat has given up hope. It does one small meow and then falls away from the window defeated.

My heart broke. I am a very claustrophobic person. I hate being caged in any aspect of the word. And to me being lost in a big giant place is the same as being trapped in a small space. And here was this very scraggly and hungry kitty, meowing with all of his strength for someone to rescue him. I know this meow very well. It's almost a wail. Cats do it when they can't get out of a room or are stuck. It's a horrible noise.

And the moment I saw this cat pressing his face up against the window I made some absurd connection to my own life. That, like Luke ( i named him) I am in this grand big place without any foreseeable exit. That someone has simply locked me into this situation and thrown away the key. And I am too tired from trying to claw my way out of the situation, of trying to find a way out, to do anything else except wail for someone to come and save me.

By the time I get to work I was almost late and completely tired, depressed and beyond stressed about the cat. I call the number listed on the building hoping to reach the Realtor. But that number was old and the person I spoke to had no idea what I was talking about. I then attempted to call the humane society or the vet's office because I didn't know what else to do. I end up calling the non-emergency line of the police department (there is actually a line, i found it in the phone book) and explain the situation to a what I think is a very disinterested police officer.

The rest of the day is a miserable blur. I cried in the bathroom, I dragged my ass around work, and I couldn't even fake a smile. I honestly don't know how to make things better maybe because I don't know what I want. I see these girls my age walking around talking about trips to Amsterdam that they can't remember and I go 'what the hell am I doing wrong'. When will I know that I am on the right path to something. Because right now I feel like a starving and scared cat trapped in a really big building with no idea how to get out.

I need something to happen quick. I'm not sure I can handle anymore of this. And I know things will get better. But I just wish something would make these miserable days less miserable.

~Becks

Oh,

Around lunch time though I went back to the building to see if the cat was still there, and great Scots there were men outside the building surveying the area. The front door was wide open and a police car was parked across the street. When I went up to ask what was going on they said they were there because they received a call from a concerned citizen about a cat trapped in a building.

Scraggly Kitty is safe!

Lighting the Spark.

I've run out of motivation and energy. Which is never a good thing when you are trying to get a job and move to England. What in the world has happened to my life.





I can't even begin to explain how I feel about Heather getting a job. It's a blow to my very sensitive ego these days and I wanted to smash things like a character from the Flintstones. Bamm Bamm was his name.



I was already having a shit week and to come into work yesterday and hear that she not only got the job she wanted but that she quit the bookstore without any notice was...unbearable. Being unable to find stable employment is sucking the life out of me. It has made me question every skill I ever thought I had. I keep hearing that I just lack the experience, but how can I ever get the experience if no one will hire me.

I can't even go into work with a smile on my face anymore. I literally hate being there with every fiber of my body. I feel caged in an endless pit of customers, books, and digital e-readers. And I know this phase of my life is suppose to suck . I know this. But why can't it suck at a crappy office job. Why can't it suck with a 9-5 job with weekends off and benefits. Why must it suck whilst I slave away at a retail store finding corners I can hide in.

And it feels like EVERYONE Is leaving or moving on or finding crappy sub jobs in fucking Newburgh and I can't even get a desk job. It's heartbreaking.

I couldn't even concentrate yesterday because immediately I was filled with jealousy. And in a very immature move I silently prayed that she would be teaching awful bratty eight graders who will make her question teaching. I know I'm a horrible horrible person.

Wallowing in self pity is pretty hard to do when most of the people I 'hang out' with do not understand the expectations I have set for myself. When you are use to be the brightest student and the one with all the potential not being able to achieve a level of success in an entry level career is difficult to grasp.

I mean when Marie said my degree in English was useless I wanted to claw her eyes out. How dare she invalidate four years of my college career just because I didn't major in science or business. And I stand by my decision to switch my major. I freaking love/loved English. When I was a science major my only solace were in my English classes. They were challenging and engaging.

But getting a job with my degree is hard. Very hard. Or maybe it's the economy. Or maybe it's my inability to pin point what I really want to do. But I'm floundering. I am at a loss as to what I should do next. Yes I am still on track to pursue this UK Scheme but in the back of my mind I worry that if I can't even get a job in the US how will I ever get this production scheme overseas.

And because of all these obsessive thoughts I feel burnt out. Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. I have no motivation to do anything outside of sleep. Kat, once again, keeps asking me what is wrong but i find it hard to explain that I just can't do this anymore. That there is no future for me at the bookstore and because of this I lack the motivation to be there.

I just feel like all kinds of a mess right now. Directionless and alone. It's weird because I've been on a nostalgic trip lately and have watched several clips of the television show Felicity which aired on WB teen years ago (can you believe it). I've talked about the show before; college girl who moves to New York to follow a boy she loves and of course find herself in the process. The Felicity soundtrack (the first season) was the first album that I bought and listened to religiously for like a month.

As i watch some of the episodes on Youtube again and listen to songs from the album I can't help but remember how depressed I was when this show first came out. It was a dark low period of teen angst and severe anxiety. And as i sit here today listening to Here Comes the Flood by Peter Gabriel (one of my favorite tracks on the album) I wonder if I have returned to that place again. I hope not.

I need to find the motivation again to march on. I need to light the match that will spark life back into me. Because I am black and blue with numbness.

To Add Insult To Injury.

Heather got the teaching job in Newburgh.

My heart has broken into a million little pieces.

I am either so incompetent or inexperienced for a job that no one in the whole state of New York will hire me or Newburgh is desperate.

Heather quit today and marched out of work with a 'my life is perfect' stroll. I hate her. I hate my life. And I don't know what to do.

Either way. I'm officially depressed.

Someone get me a straight jacket.

.40 cent Rejection.

Another job to add to the lists of ones I don't have.

Damn.

I tripped over the cat this morning on the way to the bathroom, only then to trip on a stack of mail in front of my door. After apologizing to the cat and then cursing the mail, I looked down to see what treats snail mail had in store for me.

But I immediately saw that one of those letters was from PNJ, and the moment I picked up the thin envelope I knew it was 'a thank you for coming in to meet with us but...' sort of thing. I slinked back into my room, sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope to read those all too familiar words.

I think college rejections prepare you for these sort of things. I was rejected from two out of the five schools I applied to while I was in High School. Grant it they were NYU and this really pompous liberal arts school that escapes my memory now but it still burned.

Anyway, because I lived at home my mom would get the mail first. When those two letters came she handed them over to me and reminded me that they weren't my first choice (UPitt was) and that this wasn't the end of the world.

Regardless I didn't want to read the rejection in front of her. Because no matter how hard you value your self worth, a rejection is a stomp to the stomach. It makes you think that the last 18 or 24 years of affirmation have been lies. Like when your mom says that you were the prettiest baby she ever saw only because...well your her baby. She has to say shit like that.

I remember reading the NYU rejection letter and feeling like my world had imploded. Yeah, I only applied because that year Mary Kate and Ashley Oslen were accepted to NYU and I thought 'how cool would it be if I had a class with them' (thinking back on it the answer is 'not cool at all. did they even really attend classes'). But once I got over the initial shock my first thought was 'upward and onward. can't stop here' and because my favorite movie at the time was Girl Interrupted the sentiment was more 'can't drop anchor here. much too close to do that'.

And despite being beyond numb from this one month ordeal (missed phone call, two week wait, interview, thank you notes via snail mailed that were returned by the mailman, more waiting, rejection) it's the only thing at this point that i can comprehend.

I can't drop anchor here. Can't.

But I am still a little down. I guess upward and onwards are my only course of direction.

Good Night

Kat's birthday is tomorrow and because I don't hang out with many people at work I suggested we grab pizza after work today to do what people our age do. I didn't think she would be so excited about hanging out with me. But for the last few days she has been checking in with me to make sure I wasn't going to bail on her.

And I didn't. We grabbed pizza across the street from the bookstore and talked up a storm. I apologized for being distant sometimes and she apologized for being noisy. I'm a painfully slow eater so we spent a good hour in the pizzeria discussing our life desires and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

After pizza we hung out in front of the store in this patio isque area near a fountain. The weather here is stunning. The last couple of days the skies have been a nice grey and today was the first sign of sunlight. It gets dark until 8 o'clock and the weather cools down a bit then. So it was breezy and warm all at the same time.

I don't have many girl friends. Marie is a very Type A girl and sometimes we have conversations like two asexual people. But Kat is a girl. A girls girl and there was something nice about being a girl around her. I wished her an Early Happy Birthday during our time outside and she said she considered this hanging out experience an awesome present. Which was cool with me seeing I am a very broke girl that these days.

We waited around a bit until her boyfriend came to pick her up and by then we were joined by Matt, who'd just gotten off from work. He entertained us with stories of drinking and Medieval Fairs while Kat warmed me of the dangers of Moleskin journals. It was a fun night with people i generally like.

It's weird stepping outside of myself in order to be around people. I don't do it ever. I worry so much about life, money and my own pursuits of happiness I abandon living in the moment. The moment has no interest to me. But tonight was nice.Grabbing pizza and talking about boys was nice, going to the liquor store with Matt afterwards to buy some weird brown booze was nice.

I don't know why i don't ever fell safe with these very normal and comfortable activities. I hate being in 'like' with people (kat, matt) because I know i have a tendency of attaching myself emotionally and then quickly abandoning when it gets to close.

But as I attempt to live this extraordinary life I have to remember to enjoy these moments too. When all is right just because it is. When grabbing pizza and hanging out with friends is alright because it keeps you sane. It keeps you, even if for a moment, from wigging out about the things that aren't particularly going in your favor.

And maybe, for once, I can actually say that I have friends. I have these people who actually give a crap about me. It makes me feel weird and not so alone.

Little Faith.

I've been listening to the National a lot lately. Hence the title. Outside of them being a brilliant band, they provide a soothing (and often sad) soundtrack to my life these days.



What I do like about working at the bookstore are the cool Cd's we play during the day. For the most part the music department gets away with playing some amazing tunes. Some are promotions ( James Taylor) while others are Cd's the music manager accidentally opened and had to play (Scott Pilgrim Soundtrack). I still don't know if The National is one of those Cd's or if the bookstore is on top of amazing bands. Who knows. But while I drag myself around the store shelving books, helping customers and scowling at life it's nice to have The National in the background.



It's been more than a week now since my amazing interview and I haven't received any bad or good news to write about. I am still simply in limbo waiting 'patiently' for... something. I know that i royally damaged a good impression due to the phone debacle. But I killed that interview. I may not have said all the right things, but I was personable, professional and down right awesome. And that is not an exaggeration. But as the days come and go and my phone continues not to ring I cannot help but doubt all of these things.



Maybe the HR Assistant couldn't get past the phone thing? Maybe they are 'going in a different direction' (a direct phrase used in a rejection email once) and found someone more tailored to their company? Maybe I wasn't as sparkling as I thought I was?



Whatever it may be, the waiting game is tiresome, especially as things around me begin to change so drastically. At work everyone is leaving. Well almost everyone. Yesterday I just found out that my favorite manager took another job at another store because the hours and pay are better. He is every one's favorite manager because he lets us slack off. I can't believe there was ever a time when he wasn't there and to imagine the store without him is nearly impossible. With Him gone the rules are going to be stricter, we are all going to be less happy and our days of talking endlessly at customer service will come to an end.



The store as a whole has become a different place since May. Books are becoming less important with the introduction of digital resources. And for some reason we are now selling all of these School related items so I kind of feel like a Staples when people ask me where the 'scissors and poster boards' are. With people now getting new jobs or simply moving on, still being there feels...strange. I feel like a permanent fixture.



And now that Favorite Manager is leaving I want to move on from this place desperately. We started working at the bookstore around the same time, and I felt like part of a team with him. And now he's leaving.



As I wait to hear something back from Possible New Job, I know I have to keep moving. I have to keep going just in case this doesn't work out. Sure I hope that it does. I have faith (even if it's just a little) that it will. But until then I have to keep existing. I have to keep trudging along. I still show up with a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor even though I'm freaking out inside.



It does not help that Heather is becoming a nuisance at work (girl who just graduated with a BS, wants to be a teacher). On Friday I came into work and she was having a temper tantrum in the break room. She was sitting in one of the chairs with a huge frown on her face and typing on her phone. Apparently she got a call from a school upstate about coming in for an interview for a substitute gig. Because she was on the clock she missed the call (sounds familiar huh) and was trying to get in contact with them with no luck.



I suggested she leave a message, write an email and just keep trying until she got in touch with someone. She threw her head down on the table and in front of everyone exclaimed that working at the bookstore was on some levels beneath her and that she really needed this teaching job. When she stormed out minutes later I had to remind myself not to say nasty things about her in my mind.



The next day I come in and Heather is very happy. I mean smug happy. She was able to get in touch with someone at the last minute and scheduled an interview for this Monday.



'isn't this amazing news Beckett! ' she said to a very disinterested me, but i grinned anyway and said something on the lines of 'totally'. She then went on and on (and on) about how this was her ticket out of the bookstore and that she had this job in the bag. Maybe she should wear a blue shirt with her interview suit. No pink because it will add character. Should she move closer to her job or save money by staying with her parents for a while? Oh come on Beckett this is real people salary I won't have to worry about being able or unable to afford things.



I wanted to strangle her. After she described how awesome it would to finally get a job after being out of school for 3 months, she said that because her interview was at 8:30 Monday morning she saw no point in coming into work at noon that day. Because 'whats the use of coming into a job I will no longer have. hee hee.'



I couldn't even fain interest after this. I'd recently made the mistake of telling her about my attempts at getting a new job and because of this, she patted me on the shoulder after talking about her interview on Monday and said 'don't worry. just hang in there and in no time you'll be out of here like me'.



Of course when I arrived to work today, Heather, who was scheduled to work, had called out 'sick' and wasn't there to cover her shift. Because of her call out someone else was asked to come in on there day off, causing for a very long day at work without a Head Cashier. I couldn't help but voice my frustration to favorite manager about Heathers lack of professionalism and general suckassness. For the most part ALL of use want to leave the bookstore. But we come into work when we are scheduled (me), we don't take days off before a big interview (me) and we sure as hell don't plan on calling out sick because we can (me). We grin and we bare it because we have to. Because we have a responsibility to our current job. No matter how dissatisfied we are with it(HEATHER).



But of course behind my general frustration towards this ungrateful girl is...jealousy. What happens if she actually gets a job before I do? What happens if her phony personality and, once again, general suckassness lands a real job? She once sent me a text message ending in 'okie dokie'. She dresses in dark clothing and wears spiked bracelets because it makes her look more 'rock and roll' and she complained about her parents raising her rent from $25 to $30 just days ago. I mean come on. How is this...fair.



And I hate being jealous. Hate with all of my might because it makes me feel like a horrible person. Because in all honesty I would hate for her to get this job (which I don't think she is going to get) and for me to want to be jealous of her situation. I would hate to think that someone saw any sort of potential in her while I continue to try to find someone to believe in me.



I'm unbelievably tired because of how long my shift felt today (thanks Heather) and now I am home and can think of nothing else but hearing something back from PNJ. Please let me hear something back from them.

In other news

I am going to see Inception again on Tuesday with Matt (guy from the Nerd Day Rooftop Extravaganza). He hasn't seen it and had plans to see it with Kat but she blew him off to hang out with Evan and so I some how found myself being asked to go instead. Awkward much. But because I need to take my mind off things and Inception was a really good movie I don't mind seeing it twice. I do feel kind of weird going alone with him though. But I figured we managed to have a really good time on the way to Jen's house that spending a few hours in the world of Chris Nolans imagination won't be so bad.

Awaiting Further Instructions.

I just found out that I have to come in today for a 3 to close shift at the bookstore, when i was scheduled to come in at 6. Did I mention how much I am beginning to hate the bookstore.

Every fall ( i can say that now because I have been there for 2) they have a huge hiring rush. Last fall I think we got 6-8 new employees in the span of two weeks. It was weird. Come spring though they have a huge firing rush where 8-10 people were either fired or left for their own reasons. So when Fall rick rolls around we are worse off than when we started and short staffed like hell.

I get annoyed by my employees more often than I should these days because they have a tendency of calling out for reasons such as ' i want to sleep in late, i made plans the night before and I know I'm going to be trashed in the morning, i don't want to miss wrestling on Monday'. I'm not kidding. Because of this, those of us who are deemed reliable are constantly having to pick up the slack.

This weekend Heather called out because she wasn't feeling well. Coincidentally this was the day after a customer called her a 'shithead' and Heather vowed never to come back to work. Because of her call out the rest of us had to pick up the slack, which is pretty hard to do when our new Head Cashier isn't there.

I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone when it rang this morning (especially because I recognized the number) but i am patiently waiting to hear back from PNJ (possible new job) about the second round of the hiring process. She said she would get back to me towards the end of this week to see if I was chosen to meet with the hiring manager. I am sort of nervous about this.

Though I felt, and in my mind know, that the interview went really well, I can't help replaying the faults. I am not the most experienced candidate, i did royally screw up by pissing off the HR assistant even though I won her over at the interview and who knows. maybe in the span of three days they have interviewed soooo many good candidates I am but a lost resume in the stack.

When I'm not worrying about that, I am going over all my techy jargon in advance. This company specializes in providing production and film companies with cameras, film equipment and full service training classes. Seeing that I don't know too much about any of those things I bought a couple of magazines and have been looking at them all weekend. It's a little different reading about brand new filming techniques when I am use to reading satirical pieces in GQ followed by pages of hot men in suits.

But I know that when I go on this second interview, the Hiring Manger is going to make sure I have the technical knowledge to be employed there. I have the personality thing down, but if I can make distinctions between HD and digital cameras than I am screwed. Screwed.

So needless to say I have been a little jumpy when the phone rings. A little bit. Hence why I am now covering one of my slack ass employees shift. I could scream.


Despite the aggravation of the bookstore and the nervousness regarding PNJ, I have good feelings about this though. About everything lately. Like I was this person broken into a pieces that were beyond repair but who suddenly is coming back together. I don't think I will ever be whole but I am okay with being stitched back or held together by glue. I am okay with being a person with cracks that will expand and contract but never fully shatter. I am okay with being a person with visible scars.


And maybe because of this acceptance, I have a growing sense that things are going to be okay.
Because I know that I am going to be okay.

Now time to get ready for the longest shift ever at the damn bookstore. I don't even think I can squeeze in a nap before then. Fudging eh.

The Last 48 Hours.

The last two days have been insane.



I think I've gotten a total of 7 hours of sleep between yesterday and today and lets just say I am running on empty. I'm past empty. I'm 20 minutes after you realized you were riding on E but you convinced yourself you could make it another 30 minutes and now you and your car stuck are on the side of the road. Yeah. That's me.



Let me explain. Briefly.



Thursday I'd given up all hope of contacting the HR Manager at Possible New Job (PNJ). Since last Tuesday my attempts to contact her have been...unsuccessful. I called every two days, listened to the phone ring and then heard the stupid out of office message she left. I didn't leave any subsequent voicemails for her to call me back after the first one. I figured leaving one was enough and leaving more than that would appear desperate. Which I am but she does not need to know that.



I was ready to give up all hope Thursday. I woke up, only to return to bed where I curled up in a ball for a very long time. Before I could let depression totally shadow me, I decided that I would resubmit my application (because they posted the opening again online) along with an email apologizing for not getting in touch with her sooner. What's the worst that could happen? Before I did that though, I figured I would try to reach her again by phone. After a few rings I was expecting the sound of her away message but was surprised when she answered the phone. Actually answered!



'um, good afternoon, my name is Beckett Hughes and i um, was contacted a few weeks ago in response to an application I submitted to _________. I was unable to contact you until a week later in regards to setting up a day to come in and met with you , I, um, am inquiry about the state of the position and/or opportunity to come in for an interview'.



There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by what I can only described as an 'exasperated sigh'. It was the equivalent of 'oh, it's you'. She informed me, in a tone that was less than pleased, that I took 'forever' to respond to her voicemail a week back and at the moment she had no intention of calling me in for an interview:



'you must understand the position I am in. It took you 5 days to respond to my voicemail. that doesn't give me the best impression of you as a candidate'.



FML.

My heart dropped. Let me take that back. It exploded. All the fears I had of being rejected by this job because my phone is a piece of shit, came true in that moment and I saw no hope. I apologized for responding in a way that could make me look unprofessional but that I never received notification on my phone that a call had been received until...it was too late. I tried to explain without sounding as if I were a) pulling excuses out of my ass and b) groveling.



She paused again. Shuffled some papers around and then said I could come in on Friday (the 13th) at 10am for an interview with _______. Take it or leave it. I immediately said 'that's perfect, I'll see you then...thank you for understanding---'. Click. She may have hung up on me. just saying.



I spent Thursday brushing up on interview questions and calming my nerves. I knew she scheduled the interview the next day to rattle me. She was only squeezing me in to weed me out. 'If she wants to waste her time, come all the way down to the city. then so be it' was the impression I got.

I knew I had to be on my A+ game. I already had strikes against me based on the phone incident, so there was no room for error. So despite being unprepared, nervous and a little scared (she was not happy with me) I made my way to PNJ wearing very uncomfortable shoes and praying silently under my breath that I wouldn't blow it.

And I must say....it went really well. I know that's a little anticlimactic. No build up, no great suspense. But I'm tired and the writer in me is a little sleepy. From the get go I knew HR Manager wanted to hate me. She was very curt in the beginning and gave me the stank when she greeted me. I was interviewed by her and another woman from the sales department for about 45 minutes. It was a very long interview but the moment I opened my mouth I redeemed myself. I was passionate and sincere and by the end of it they were both smiling and professing how great it was to talk with me.

No lie.

There are two more stages in the hiring process. I believe I was the first candidate they interview for this position. They had about 7 or 8 more people to interview (all of who have an interview next week) but that by the end of next week a few candidates will be asked back to have a second meeting with a Hiring Manager. I told her I would keep my ears and eye open for any and all voice mails left on my phone this week.

I left feeling completely...relieved. It was the best interview I have ever had. I was confidant and smart and witty and uber professional. I asked question, I softened their thoughts about me and damn it all to tell I would be shocked not to be asked in for a second interview. Shocked!

This is a huge turnover from the despair I felt only three days ago. It is weird to think that if all goes well I will finally have a job. A regular 9 to 5 gig in West Village of all places. This company is amazing and I can't get over the fact that I could be employed here. Like for serious.

The next few days are going to be stressful. I am already preparing for the second interview to be on the safe side. This is a production related gig and I will have to brush up on my tech knowledge. This could be situation changing and I could finally afford that futon I've wanted.

In the last 48 hours I've only gotten about 7 hours of sleep. No lie. I went directly (give or take an hour or so) from the interview to the bookstore for a closing shift. Because we close at 11 on the weekends I didn't get out of there until midnight, only to have to open this morning. Yeah, I closed the store and then opened the next day. I got like four hours of sleep and lagged around all day.

So I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. And will spend Sunday napping away. I deserve it.

Fingers crossed for me. Exciting news looms. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.

Becks

P.S. Blogger has set up a new Spam blocker thing. So i am not the only 'bloggger' receiving weird spam like comments on my blog. I get them like four times a week and can not figure out if I am popular with foreign readers or if I am under a spam attack. But once again, if you don't see your comment there's a reason. The translations are bizarre, i refuse to post them.

Things Are Looming Overhead.

Two years ago to the day (give or take a days maybe) i graduated from college and was on a plane to New York for my post grad adventure. I cannot believe it's been two years. I must say, I do not know where the time has gone.

It's absolutely funny (now) talking to recent grads these days. They have this sense of entitlement , that I must have possessed too, in regards to the job market I cannot help but find hilarious. Like me, they believed graduating college would automatically lead to a job. That after four or five years of undergraduate study they would come out alive, with a diploma and a sweet job offer after crossing the stage. But of course they find out that that is not the case, and life has a way of sucking hardcore for a while.


Case in Point:

I work with an incredibly annoying girl named Heather, who just got her B.S from a university upstate. She was a seasonal worker a couple of months ago because she finally graduated with her undergraduate requirements. Once she graduated and moved back home she started working more hours at the bookstore, to the chagrin of the rest of us.


Heather is nice. But she is a surface level person. You never get the sense that she has a sincere bone in her body. She's made of air. Very light, always there but totally completely void of tangible substance. So she is nice but to the point of annoyance.


She wants to be a High School teacher but of course she can't find any jobs in the area. Because of this she took a full time position at the store a few weeks back while she lives at home with her parents and younger sister. In a heartbeat, she's gone from 'this job is great' to 'i can't do this anymore Beckett. I just can't. I graduated from college for god sakes'

I wish I could feel sympathetic for her, but I cant. I've been out of school for two years and with two internships under my belt finding a job is still very difficult. I hate it at the bookstore every single day. I hate the customers, I hate the b.s of working in retail, but more importantly I hate the grind. The incredible amount I put into working there for chump change. I feel like I spend more time cleaning up after people (thank you to all the assholes who leave books and magazines around) than actively engaging people about literature. And with the edition of a new E-Reader, the store is becoming more heavy in the digital aspects of consumerism.


Now that I don't want to go into Publishing working with books has lost it's luster. I still love being around books ( i could get lost in the fiction aisle for days), but I'd rather be around my own or at least in the confines of a huge collegial library; lost in the stacks of volumes and studies.

Everyone is talking about the Jet Blue flight attendant who went ape shit on a plane after getting smacked in the head by bag because of some queen bitch of an unruly passenger. Lets just say he didn't take that too well. He cursed out the passengers, quit his job and then curtailed it off that plane as fast as one can do. Despite the attention his whole rant is getting, I don't really find his actions heroic (as some people have claimed) or even the event that interesting, and for that reason I haven't made any comment about it when people bring it up at work.

To me, public proclamations about how much you hate something (work, high school, people) is a little bit too dramatic. I liked to keep my disdain for things in little internal mind pockets that I write down when it gets too much (I am however a fan of public proclamations of love. I'm talking to you John Cusack) but I can see what all the attention is about. People are assholes. Not all people, but a very large sum are shitheads. Working in retail you can't help but get a sense of this. That people like taking their frustrations and general nastiness out on strangers. It's the equivalent of being told to punch a pillow when you made. The pillow has no face, no history, no memories. It is just this plush item that feels no pain no matter how hard you drive your fist into it's imaginary face.

And everyone has contemplated doing what this JetBlue guy did. To say 'fuck you, fuck you, an definitely fuck you' followed by throwing back a beer or two and exiting with a sense of self worth. Because while people are assholes they have a tendency of bringing out the asshole in you. Even when you want to be the bigger person.

And maybe that's why I can't feel any sympathy for Heather as be goes on and on about the trials of post grad life. I want to tell her to shut up, suck it up and take one for the team. She is not making it any easier for the rest of us who don't want to be there when she keeps making comments about how sick she is of...being there.

I only bring her up because a while back we jokingly agreed that we would make really good roommates. Okay, she joked about it while I smiled on as if she had just drank crazy juice. Did I mention that she is annoying. I can't even sleeping over her house let alone being roommates with her. But today she came into work, pissed of course, and said that she was done with this place and would start to look for jobs in upstate New York.

'as soon as I get a job we can start looking for an apartment. it won't be that hard for you to transfer from this bookstore to one closer to where we will live'

Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly?

I am a very defensive person. I quickly get offended by actions and words that denote my self worth. And for some reason I was so...hurt by her complete ignorance to my wants in life. So, i may have halfheartedly nodded by head to a joke about moving into together but when did all of my plans for myself, two years in the making, revolve around moving to Upstate New York when she get a job where I would live happily working at a new bookstore. I was so infuriated I wanted to....tell her to go fuck herself. In a very polite way of course.

Instead I just stared at her, laughed nervously and then made some excuse so I could get away from her.

I can say that I didn't see myself being in this position two years ago. And with every glimmer of hope that things will get better there is a setback that throws me off kilter. I have not heard back from the job in regards to setting up an interview. They re posted the ad online which gave me some hope that they hadn't interviewed people yet and that I would get a call or email to set something up. But the fact that I can't get in touch with the HR Lady makes me feel crazy, as if the whole voicemail was a tease.

I want to be persistent without being annoying but this situation is driving me crazy. Limbo is a horrible place to be. I can't go back, I can't go forward so instead I just feel stuck. I don't know the proper steps to take to make things better. I called last Tuesday, left a message with an Office Assistant on Thursday and tried another attempt this Tuesday. But nothing. At all.

I feel weighed down by things. Stress, anxiety, and life. I hate admitting this because it almost feels like defeat

'Sometimes, It Be Like...Damn'

My post vacation days are not flying by as smoothly as I would like it. This is starting to get on my nerves, so much that I've contemplated taking another break. That's not going to happen anytime soon though.

I am going through a small freak about issue as of late that involves a potential interview for a potential job that i hope i didn't potentially screw myself out of.

On Tuesday after getting three calls in a row from Marie (which i ignored because it was my day off and I didn't want to hear about how sucky her life is) i checked my messages to make sure she hadn't gone and got herself arrested or something and was calling me from jail to bail her out. Yeah it would be pretty hard to do from New York, but she knows I have her back.

I had 6 voicemails to listen to, and the fourth one (received on July 28th) was from an HR Assistant from a job I applied too last Monday. The job, and subsequent position, is with a company I use to travel to when i interned for Lenny and was forced to carry large cameras to and fro. I actually ended up LOVING this company because a) it was right around the corner and b) the people were awesome.

You can thus understand my 'holy shit, holy shit, i can't believe i missed this fucking phone call. what the hell am I going to do' freak out and it has been that way since Tuesday. I called the number back but have only been able to reach her voicemail. I am praying to whoever will listen that the interview portion is still open and that I may be squeezed in this Tuesday.

A billion and one things are running through my head. The way the job search is going, I get an interview (on the average) about once every three months. My last real interview was with BBC America in May and though I have sent out some promising cover letters since then this is my first response back in three months.

I cannot stress how important having a job is. Right now I pull in an embarrassing amount of money each week. I can afford rent, frozen food and my occasional splurge ( GQ magazine) but that is as far as my money can get me. And once my deferment is over I will have to pay my student loans.

I have every intention of participating in an UK production scheme, but because that will not occur until next summer I need a job before then. Combined with the fact that this is a company I am both familiar with and in like with, I am stressed to the max that I may have missed an opportunity. I'd rather have the 50/50 chance of being hired or not based on interview rather than not having a shot at all because I missed a phone call and my dumb ass phone (which I have voicemail problems with in the past) did not notify me of a voicemail last Wednesday.

So yeah, I'm freaking out.

What's not helping my headlong dive into FML (Fuck My Life) is my sudden personal problems with people at work. Kat is proving to be more emotionally dependent than I ever suspected. Naturally, I am a very moody person. I am a ball full of good energy paired with a sliver of sad introspection. It's a balance I'm okay with. Kat on the other hand is finding my sudden 'quiet spells' a little unnerving.

People are confusing and complex, I should know because i am confusing and complex. I do have a tendency of getting into spells of quietness. I am triggered easily by physical or emotional reactions to my enviroment (sometimes both) that I cannot understand or explain, and when this happens I isolate myself from certain people in order to re-group.

This Evan/Kat thing has stirred within me deep rooted issues of...jealousy. Not necessarily because those two are flirting it up left and right but because they have made a connection (whatever it may be) that I know he would have (has never) attempted with me. I admit I am not easily accessible. I am off in my own world/head for the majority of the time. But I am only ever asked to do group activities (outside of hanging out with my friend Toaster from time to time). As if being alone with me for a unforeseen amount of time is not...cool.


Case in Point: Yesterday I walked into the break room and Josh was chatting it up with the really pretty girl from cafe. She is uber nice, very dim and sometimes a bore but nice nonetheless. I was changing into my work shoes when Josh exclaimed 'god, i really wish i had someone to go to the movies with this Friday. it's been so long since I've been to a good movie'.

It was a blatant attempt to gage Cafe Girl's interest but she just sort of shrugged and looked at her magazine. He then turned to me, knowing that i work this Friday (because we'd just talked about 15 minutes earlier) and that I would have to say no while he got to appear chivalrous and polite. But of course he asked anyway: 'so how 'bout' it Beckett me, you wanna see a movie Friday'. I gave a look like 'really you are going to do this to me right now. use me in front of Cafe Girl to reject your invitation in hopes that the real target of your inquiry will say yes'. So of course I said 'nope, can't do it. maybe next time'.

But there won't be a next time, because if Cafe Girl wasn't in the room he would have never mentioned going to the movies, especially with me. And this has nothing to do with my tendency to bail because I have not done so in a very long time. I am just not the girl boys hang out with. I am the girl boys are just nice too in passing.

I feel threatened by Evan/Kat's new relationship thingy. I feel like the oddball girl who will never make real connections with people both because I don't know how and because they don't want to...with me.

It's that simple and yet I don't feel the need to have to explain it to people, especially Kat. I know it doesn't make sense, I know that I have black and white thinking with the absence of grey. My thoughts perceive actions without rational thinking. That's why when I get in my weird 'moods' i stay away from certain people until the negative thinking wanes itself. I can't really do that with someone pestering my every emotion every day though.

Once I assured Kat (for the hundredth time it seems) that my mood was just how I cope with things, I saw her check out a book from the store (store loan thing we have) about...wait for it...wait for it... Borderline Personality.

FML

This makes me very uncomfortable on all sorts of levels. She has a tendency of trying to understand every aspect of people in a relentless pursuit of some truth. Evan wants to be a therapist and has a tendency of self diagnosing people. The two of them together could get me committed if I'm not careful. I don't know if she's reading the book for her own personal reasons. I am not that vain to think she could possibly be reading it because of me but the timing is just unusual. And the Borderline thing has always made me feel...weird. I now know that skirt many lines accept this one, trust me. But the symptoms are sooooo similar to my bouts of anxiety and depression that I can't say I haven't in the past felt like I've actually bordered the line of Borderline.

The truth is I have a million things to worry about right now outside of co-workers trying to figure me out. I need a job, I need money, I need to be living comfortably for the first time in my adult life. And I really want this job.

No Boys Allowed.

So, yesterday I partook in Nerd Day 2010 with four of my very sober (because they are usually very drunk) co-workers. And it was.... a very awkward day. But totally not on my part. Score!

When we Jenn came up with the idea to have a geeky day in the city it was strictly a girls event. No boys allowed and in all honesty I was looking forward to that aspect of the day. I don't have a lot of girl friends. I am not one of those girls who claims to get along with boys any better because I don't. Like some ambivalent outsider, both sexes are completely alien and confusing to me.

On the DVD commentary from the movie Girl Interrupted, the director says he wanted to create a scene in the movie where Susanna Kaysen (Winona Ryder) interacts with the girls in a way that she has never done so in her 'normal life'. This scene involves Susanna with the other residents sneaking out of there rooms at night to the basement of the hospital where there is this very old bowling alley. Just as she is sneaking out of her room with a nervous smile across her face, the director says something along the lines of ' i wanted the audience to get a sense that Susanna has never had female friends and this is the moment where she is initiated into a sisterhood she's never had. A crazy, dysfunctional but all too accurate one where she finally feels she belongs'

And damn it all to hell, I wanted that experience yesterday. Because you know what, I've haven't been a part of a 'sisterhood' in a very long time. Not since I was eight when I was best friends with my tight as hell grade school trio: Heather, Kathleen and Alison. And learning of this Nerd Day 2010, made me all kinds of happy because it was going to be the girls day of my dreams. A day where three highly intelligent, funny, girls spent the day talking about boys and awing over dinosaurs.

But our Girls Day quickly became a "Well, Evan and Matt Can Come Along Too" day. This was not an issue two weeks ago when we were all very normal people. Evan was Evan. Matt was Matt. Kat was Kat. And Jenn was just a girl wanting to invite some friends over to her cool new york apartment. But something happened when I went away for vacation. I came back and Evan and Kat (my good buddy at work) became EvanKat and Matt and Jenn apparently had dabbled in MattJenn and I was just along for the ride.

It was as if I'd stepped inside some weird episode of Friends where everyone has dated each other . The JennMatt thing I knew about because she liked him a long time ago but he had a girlfriend and it was just a simple crush. But this EvanKat is very weird because Kat has a boyfriend and Evan is a flirt. There are some people who aren't annoying in pairs. There are others who don't do the pair thing well and have a way of isolating you. I'll let you figure out where the KatEvan pair fall.

I don't know what is going on between them. I don't even know why I should care, but upon returning to work and having them be all 'we talk really close to one anothers face now and have secret eye contact signals' now is weird. I have my own very deep rooted not talked about issues of jealousy and inadequacy that will take some time to resolve. I can go from feeling isolated and overwhelmed by people very quickly. And for some reason there new found 'connection' to one another is affecting me in a way that it shouldn't. And I dreaded having to spend a day with those two because I've been a little dismissive of them lately. Get a room. Or don't get a room because Kat you have a really nice boyfriend and Evan is a self proclaimed man whore.

Anyway,

With Nerd Day 2010 now in effect we were all going to meet at the train station in town to head to Jenns Apartment in Washington Heights. A few days ago EvanKat decided they wanted to take another route that was closer to where they lived. Matt and I were a little miffed because splitting the group up that early could lead to some confusion. Plus both Kat and Evan are horrible with directions. If any splitting up was to occur it should involve having one direction person paired with someone who is horrible with directions.

And I honestly didn't want to have to travel with Matt alone, because I've never hung out with him outside of work alone and I'm not really good with small talk. But Evan convinced Kat to tag along with him and we weren't going to make a big deal of it.

Matt and I fared well on our trip. He is good with directions (as am I) and we got to her apartment without too much trouble. We even manage to carry on a conversation that lacked in awkward silences. As we were in Fordham looking for the subway we got a text from EvanKat that they messed up the train schedules and would be an hour late. We couldn't help but voice our frustrations with them early on because this could have been avoided.

Matt and I got to Jenns in time for an apartment tour (cutest. apartment. ever) and we started eating the delicious hamburgers early because our stomachs were growling. We chilled out for about 45 minutes until EvanKat arrived and they were too given a apartment tour. They apologized right away for the confusion but made no mention of the incident again.

The rest of the day (a long day too, like 10 hours) went by...okay. There wasn't a moment where we felt like a cohesive group of 5. We splintered off most of the trip into the comfort zones of our relationship. I gravitated towards Jenn and Matt more while EvanKat never strayed to far from one another. Kat got a headache halfway throughout the trip and she clung to Matt's side to relieve tension in her head.

Going to the Dino museum was awesome (i mean come on it's dinosaurs) but because I'd just been there three months ago and the four of them were all frequent visitors to the museum it almost felt redundant; 'been there done that'. I didn't stop me from snapping pictures though and wandering off by myself a few times to marvel at some displays I'd missed on my last trip.

As we were making our way around the ocean life exhibit an announcement came over the loudspeakers telling everyone the museum was closing. It was only 5:15 and we didn't know we were there that long. When we got outside Evan looked to his watched and exhaled loudly 'guys, Kat and I want to go see a movie at 7. It's all the way downtown though so we were going to head down that way to---".

It was the most b.s thing ever. They obviously were not inviting us to go and were ready to ditch us the moment an opportunity presented itself. But then Matt suggested (because maybe he was a tad bit oblivious) that we could ALL head down that way because The Strand and some huge Comic Book store was down there. Because I've wanted to go to the Strand forever, I jumped at the idea.

The trip sort of tailed off once we reached Union Square. EvanKat were ready to split from the group, Jenn was tired, I was bored and Matt bought a $30 toy he couldn't wait to open. It was around seven when EvanKat left and the three of us tried to salvage the rest of the trip but to no avail. Matt and I headed back to westchester and fell asleep on the train nearly missing our stop.

It was an okay day but I feel like if you have to keep repeating that you are having a good time (which we all did several times throughout the day) than you aren't really having that great of a time. We were all dancing to a different beat and while it wasn't a disaster it wasn't an effortless experience. There were times when together we struggled to talk about things often reverting to conversations about work in an attempt to lighten the mood.

I attribute a lot of the awkwardness to the sexual tension in the group, none of it floating towards me I must add (bitter much). I think Billy Crystal has a point. Maybe men and women can never really be friends. At 24 anyway, it doesn't seem like it. It seems completely impossible.

Before we nodded off on the train me and Matt had this conversation:

Matt: So, it was a fun day

Me: Yeah. I'm glad I didn't bail. I got some cool books and the burgers were good.

Matt: Really good burgers [pause] So Kat must really like Evan

Me: [Exaggeratedly southern] How ever do you mean?

Matt: I don't know. It's just she never hangs out with anyone outside of work. Ever. And I've asked her to go to movies plenty of times and she flat out says no.

Me: Then she must really like Evan

Matt: Really like him. Made it sort of awkward don't you think.

Yes sir, it did.