March Madness

March was hectic and lovely and emotionally charged, a little exhausting but above all rather lovely. These pictures are only a snippet of what's been occurring in my life but they pretty much sum up my happenings in a nutshell.

I spent my birthday in the city with Kat. We saw stomp and ate cupcakes and meet a pretty boy named John  and laughed the whole night.

The closer Kat and I get the more fearful I am that she has replaced Marie. I feel guilty and sad that Kat has become such a good friend because it constantly reminds me of the one that I lost. After my birthday we had a weird series of fights. Many of which involved my sudden absence. Eventually I apologized and told her I wouldn't disappear again and that she's my best friend. Because despite my loss Kat has been the greatest best friend a girl can have.

Now that I've covered that lets move on to boys. I've been spending a lot of time with Sean. A lot. After the whole not a date gate I struggled to move past how shitty i felt afterwards. He wouldn't admit that his approach to the situation was wrong and i told him that i didn't think we could be friends anymore.

We spent about a week not talking to one another. I was aloof and he was mean. When we finally had no choice but to work together one night everything came to a head. There was yelling and him doing his stupid "well then why are we still talking about this if you don't me around anymore any". Then there were tears and I told him i didn't like where we were heading because I liked him. And he said he loved me and was afraid of fucking things up more so then he had already.

And with that we made up and boy have the last 3 weeks have been amazing. not perfect but pretty effing amazing.

I am not going to say we are dating (because we are not for obvious reasons) but I will say that when he is around I feel happy. I feel stupid and dumb yet happy. He is over my house regularly watching movies or helping me beat video games and I think i adore him.

Just this weekend his parents were away and I was invited over to his house for a 'slumber' party. We were up until 4am watching shows and talking about everything. I have never loved and been so conflicted by a boy in my whole entire life. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I know that I cannot and will not wait around for him to make a move. But i also know that I can't imagine him not being around.

So he is around. A lot. And that is his dog pictured above. And his couch. And my warm legs under his blanket. And it's wrong. And i am going to get hurt. But i like him.

Winter is slowing melting away and Spring is here. When I am not hanging out with Kat or Sean I am snapping pictures of flowers and exploring my neighborhood. I am a little worried about the warmer weather because of my Dehydration spells, anemia and vertigo but I am so happy for the warmth and the wind and the rain that am making all the necessary precautions so that this year will not be like last.

I am eating better. and sleeping better. and consuming my vitamins. I want to either join a gym or take a class of some sort. Kat and I want to give archery a try even though my wrist is still giving me issues.

Last weekend Kat and I went to mother effing Cirque Du Soleil. It was the most gorgeous show I have ever seen. The theme was creation of mankind. There was a man dressed in a sequined outfit from head to toe. I think he was god. or mother/father earth. He descended from the ceiling of the big circus tent and introduced us to our very own creation. It was beautiful. There were leaping frogs and dancing Native Americans  There were monkeys and the image of water running down a stream. There were people on skates and some who flew through the air. And i cried because it was beautiful and i felt happy.

My life is good. I have my shit days still. I still am sad and blue and misty. But i am happy. And i'm sorry i don't write as much. Sometimes I have so much to write down that I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. But i am doing well. I am afloat. I am surrounding myself with people who are beginning to mean a whole lot to me.

I am experiencing things that are very new and terrifying but I am happy.

Birthday Girl

Here's to being 27!

About Last Night

So, where do i begin. From the beginning I suspect. That always seems to be the best place.

So, the last couple of days have been hell. There has been a lot of crying and fuming and throwing things followed by watching re-runs of buffy and listening to Dave Matthews. I'm not a drinker but i've wanted nothing more than to drown the last few days in a bottle of something that burns going down. It's been that kind of week.

Last Thursday Sean and I hung out on Valentines Day.When he asked me to go to see a movie with him I was a) elated and b) weird-ed out that on all the days for us to officially hang out outside of the comfort of my room, his car or work he decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect time. I will always like this boy. I know this. Whatever idea or image of him that i've created in my head will not be shaken until we have both gone our separate ways. Until he joins the air-force or I find a guy who likes me back or he ups and marries big head.

Until then i am stuck in the place where I am trying to be his friend because I am nothing else to him. I wish that I were but I am not. But i am not sure he is use to having friends or if he is use to having people around whose only want is to be around him. So when he asked me to go to the movies Thursday, because his girlfriend didn't want to hang out with him, I jumped at the chance to because in my mind it meant something. I may not be the girl for him but I am a girl that he enjoys hanging out with. The things I'll settle for.

Anyway, the day itself was actually pretty great. I spent all of Wednesday expecting him to bail but he called right before and asked me if we were still on for the movies. I said yeah as long as it wasn't weird or awkward for him (or his girlfriend) and we planned to meet up after I got out of work to see Die Hard. I decided to dress very casually so he wouldn't think i mistook this as a date (skinny jeans. brown boots. blouse). I also took out money so that I could buy my own ticket as soon as i got to the theater. While a little part of me wanted to believe that this was some semi date with Sean, i knew in the back of my mind that I would be disappointed that it wasn't. So i kept telling myself that we were just going as two friends who didn't want to sit at home alone on Vday. We were just two people who like being around each other who wanted to see Die Hard.

I text him Thursday afternoon to tell him i am on my way to the theater. I, of course, get there first and because i haven't heard anything from him the whole day about meeting up i start to panic. He did say he wanted to see a movie right?  Maybe he has changed his mind? Maybe i am being stood up? To ease my mind, I purchase my ticket and then run to the bathroom to breathe. The movie started at 5:20, it was only 5:00. I figured I would give him 15 minutes to show up and then i'd leave.

By 5:10 i still hadn't heard anything. This is where my panic slowly turned to depression and I started to gather my things. Just as I am making my way to the door I get a call from him saying he is outside. There was traffic, he couldn't find parking, hang on just a few more minutes i'll be there. When he arrives I am relieved, excited and fucking nervous because now this is real, He too is dressed very casually and he buys his ticket immediately and we head to our seats.

Because i have never hung out with anyone on Valentines Day I am initially surprised by how empty the theater is. Outside of a few couples, Sean and I are the only people under the age of 40 at the movies. I suspect it's because ideal vday plans do not include watching a crappy ass movie in the middle of the day. We take our seats and spend the next two hours awkwardly leaning into each other, whispering and laughing and trying to ignore the occasional leg touch/arm brush here and there on both our parts. I am relieved by how comfortable we are. He turns to me often during the movie and asks "if i am having a good time on our date" and while happy to hear the word, i know he is trying to be funny. But i tell him yes anyway and he brings his forehead to mine and rubs it affectionately.

When the movie ends we wait until the credits roll before getting up. He is convinced there will be some extra clip or something at the end to watch and I sit through every name of every person involved in the making of the movie because the boy is stubborn. As we sit the movie attendants make there way in to start cleaning and he frustratingly says 'can't they see we are on a date. we'll leave when we are ready'.

During the movie he leaned in really close to ask if we could finish watching James Bond at my house afterwards. Of course, still wanting to believe in some part of my mind that he has asked me to hang out because he likes me, I agree. So once we finally leave the theater we grab burgers and fries and head back to my house and like every other time he has been there, we slip into the ease of hanging out. As the movie is playing we ask each other questions about our day. He talks about a book he is reading and looks around my room a lot. I ask if he needs another pillow to support his back. He says he is having a really good time.

In the middle of James Bond he gets a call from his girlfriend and our moment of comfort is stilled while he takes the call. I am not annoyed by this pause but i am curious as to how this conversation is going to play out. I can hear her voice through his phone and she asks how his day is and where he is at. He says that he is hanging out with a friend but will be home soon. She asks if he is hanging out with his friend Cameron (i guess she is not a fan of this friend) and he says no "my friend beckett...is that okay". She replies 'sure, as long as it's not Cameron". Im not even a fucking threat to his girlfriend. She'd rather him spend valentines day with a girl then with a friend he gets drunk with occasionally  i am a little peeved by this.

After the phone call he looks a little disinterested in hanging out anymore but he stays another 2 hours so we can surf the net and watch random youtube videos. Around midnight he says he should be getting home but before he leaves he asks if I had a good time. I tell him yes. I ask him if I was okay....to be around, you know, because I am still getting use to this hanging out thing and i feel bad for being the filler. He says I was great and that I made a good date.

That was our night in a nutshell. Very simple and uneventful yet great. And because i am a stupid silly girl with a belief in miracles and special moments I wanted to bottle last Thursday up in a mason jar so I could keep it with me always. When my anxiety was at its peak hanging out with anyone could provoke a panic attack. And here i am four years later hanging out with a boy i like on Valentines Day and I pulled it off. Was i nervous, yes? Did i feel like passing out, um, yes? But I did it and i survived and I was great.

As soon as he is out the door I tell myself that I will not tell anyone outside of Kat and my mom about my really nice Valentines Day for several reasons. 1) ain't no body's business. My job is a poll of gossip. Sean has a girlfriend and despite how casual we attempted to make last Thursday i didn't want to make it weird at work. 2) because we had such a nice time I wanted to keep the day to ourselves. I value my privacy a lot and what I do outside of work with my friends is important to me. Thursday was nice, really nice and the only two people who needed to know this was us.

As soon as I get to work the next day though Kat tells me that Sean asked her what she did on Valentines Day and then proceeded to tell her that we hung and stuff but she added that he said it "as if he wanted to make me jealous". I ask her to explain and she says that she was sitting in the break-room when Sean came in and stood around awkwardly near her. When she looked up from her book he asked her is she was busy. She said yes and then returned to reading. He then asked her what she did on Valentines Day. She said 'nothing, why how was your Valentine's Day" "Oh, it was fun. I had fun. Me and Beckett saw a movie and hung out. You know".

Now Kat already knew about my outing with Sean. Hell she was probably the first person i texted soon after he asked me. She does not like this boy though and has not been very supportive about my feelings for him especially after her falling out with Preacher Guy. Sean in turn doesn't like Kat and for some weird reason he is very threatened by our friendship. It's as if he is in a competition with Kat for who i like to be around more and because my relationship with both is different I don't really understand why he even feels the need to compete. So when Sean told Kat that we'd hung out on Valentines Day he did so to throw it in her face. And of course because Kat hates the boy she replied very angrily

"wow.... that's nice but what did your girlfriend think about it".

The moment that came out of her mouth Sean, i don't know, panicked I think. He kept asking Kat what she meant by her question? Why would his girlfriend think anything of it? She knows what it's like. He only hung out with me because his girlfriend is in Puerto Rico (a fucking lie!) Why would it be weird? I mean, c'mon, it's Beckett.

After Kat finishes telling me what Sean said I am more embarrassed then hurt. Or more hurt then embarrassed  I couldn't understand why he felt the need to a) tell Kat that we hung out and then b) justify it by bringing his girlfriend up as if there was no way anything would have ever happened between us because 'i love my girl". Thursday was the most platonic interaction I have ever had with the boy and did not warrant a defense. But because I am use to Sean being a little shit, I let the exchange between them go. Thursday was so awesome that i wouldn't let his moment of panic ruin anything.

When I bump into Sean an hour or so later (by then Kat had left) I pretend as if I haven't seen him in a while. To be honest, I planned on saying little to him the whole night because i still wanted to give him the impression that Thursday wasn't a big deal. But the boy has different plans. He spends the first hour of our shift bringing up our 'date': the movie was terrible right, we had fun, i'm glad we watched james bond, omg can you believe how terrible the movie was, where are you going? can i go, hahaha, we had fun". I am a little annoyed because i saw no need for us to talk about Thursday, especially at work, but he wouldn't drop it.

After an hour of Sean following me around and talking about Thursday I retreat finally to the break room because he was getting on my nerves and I felt...smothered. A couple of my co-workers and managers were taking there break just then so I say hi and ask them all how they are doing. Suddenly Sean comes in out of nowhere and stands next to me while we are all chatting about something random. Out of nowhere Sean says "so me and Beckett saw a movie yesterday. It was really terrible. But yeah, yesterday we hung out". I turn around quickly and glare at him. I was trying to tell him to shut the fuck up with my eyes but he seemed to miss the expression. I leave the break-room and head to customer service where Sean, following behind me, asks me what Kat thought when she found out we hung out.

I tell him that she thought it was a little weird but was glad that I had a good time. I didn't want to let him know that she already knew about us hanging out. But i also didn't want to pretend like she didn't think it was a tad bit weird. So i tell him a half truth hoping he will stop being annoying and shut the hell up. But of course, he couldn't just let it go and this is where the boy seriously fucked up. This is where if he cared about me in the slightest he would have just left it alone. Instead he says "oh, cause when I came in Kat asked me what I did on Vday (another lie. he asked her) and I told her we hung out but that".....he laughs pompously...."that it wasn't like that cause she made it seem like, you know, it was weird that we hung out on Vday and you know, I told her my girlfriend knows what it is". At this point i am beginning to get upset. I know that he is going to say something that will hurt my feelings. I feel small and dumb and I know that a bubble is about to burst. So i tell him, I almost plead with him, to stop talking because I know that whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be terrible. But he doesn't listen and instead says:

"I told her that my girlfriend knows who I come home to at night. And that she is 'it' for me. She is my ideal. And that I'm like faithful and stuff and it wasn't a date. Thursday wasn't a date. Cause I'm like, with my girl and you know, isn't it funny that Kat would think it was weird that we hung out. I mean, c'mon"

My heart fell out of my chest. I felt like Drew Barrymore in never been kissed during the flashback of her prom experience. It felt like Sean had thrown eggs at my head and then called everyone over to laugh and point at me. He was the one who asked me to hang out on Valentine's Day. He was the one who went around telling everyone that we'd seen a movie. He's the one who tried to brag about it to my best friend. And there he was in my face telling me Thursday wasn't a big deal as if i'd gone around proclaiming my love for him. I felt embarrassed. I felt degraded and worst of all i felt that my lame ass attempt to be his friend was for nothing. Even now the memory of how I felt when he said this to me makes me cringe.

I completely shut down after he gives his little speech. He actually looks proud that his song and dance has gone...well. Worse he is sort of laughing about it as if I'd think it was funny too ('i mean c'mon what's Kat thinking, my girl is 'it' for me). I of course am seething. I can see only red and I want to hulk smash his face. Outside of the rage, I am hurt. Despite my crush I knew that I would never be anything romantic to Sean, so I settled for being his friend cause I wanted to have him in my life. And this THIS is how he treats my friendship. So instead of joining in with his laughter (cause really who would ever think Sean and I were dating) I tell him that I don't feel well and that he needs to get away from me. I don't even explain why, i just tell him that I have to get away from him or else. Before he can even utter a word I make a mad dash for the bathroom and have a full on panic attack. There are tears and hyperventilating and anger. It's one thing to tell a girl that you are not interested in her. It is another thing to rub it in her face because you are immature.

When I finally calm down Sean immediately knows I am mad at him. He asks what is wrong and I tell him that he needs to work on the way he words things...because sometimes, the things he says can come out insensitive and hurtful. He makes a face like "oh, i get it" and then starts to say "but i was just trying to clear up..." And this is where I fucking lose it. This is where I am like 'why the fuck do i care about this boy. A boy who has sent me to get dog food for his girlfriend, who actually considered dating a 17 year old when his girlfriend and him where on a break, and who had the motherfucking nerve to tell me that Thursday didn't mean anything to him as if to make sure we were on the same page". So I get agitated, and my voice is tense and high and i think i yell:

"Sean. I know that I am not your girlfriend. You have made that perfectly clear from the beginning. I am not your girlfriend. Yesterday was not a date! And It meant nothing! So why the fuck come up to me, who by the way wasn't going to bring anything up about yesterday, and try to invalidate that really fun time we had as friends. You can go fuck yourself"

I was so mad. I don't think i have been this mad in a very long time. We spent the rest of the night arguing ( i don't understand what made you upset?) and another hour in his car yelling. The whole experience was just embarrassing because the one time I tried to be realistic about my relationship with Sean he goes and fucks it up with this lame ass "i love my girlfriend routine'. I kept asking him why he brought up our vday excursion anyway only to have to clarify it to people who weren't interested in the first place. He didn't have an answer. I asked him if he had a good time Thursday. He said yes. I asked him then why did he have to invalidate the whole day because of his insecurities. He didn't have an answer.

A week later and I am still livid at this boy. I told him i do not trust him anymore. I told him that if he ever makes me feel like I did last Friday I will disappear from his life. I will no longer be his friend. I will be but a memory. And I am serious about this. This boy fucked up. I have been nothing but nice to him, I have never initiated anything inappropriate because of his girlfriend. I wanted to be his friend and he threw it in my face like a jackass because he thinks that I am his puppy.

There is a part of me that is terrified of losing him. I have had a crush on him for so long that not having him around will feel like a loss. But the other part of me is convinced that he should be more concerned with losing me. I don't know if he is use to having friends. I don't know if he is use to having someone around who doesn't want anything from him except his time. Whatever the case I felt so....undervalued and under appreciated and used by this boy and I am fed up trying to mean something to someone who could care less.

So Much For Miracles

So, yeah, Valentines Day.

I'm meeting up with Heather soon for Brunch and then i'm heading to my other friends house to watch the last episode of Sherlock Holmes Season 2 (i've seen it. i cried hysterically) so i'm a little pressed for time to write about the last couple of days. When I come home expect a lenghty post.

In a nutshell Valentines Day was awesome. Sean and I went to the movies, grabbed some food and went back to my house afterwards to watch 007. It was the longest i'd hung out with the boy without a 'chaperone' and it felt nice. He was funny and considerate the whole night and outside of a leg grab here and there it was very platonic. Fun but platonic.

Shit didn't hit the fan until the next day when i came into work and Sean had damn near told everyone that we went to see a movie. This would not have stirred any interest from anyone a) had he not brought it up and b) had the day of our outing not been on valentines day.

Because Kat and Sean hate each other Sean went to her and told her that we'd hung out (assuming she didn't know of our plans. She did). Kat, being a bitch, asked him 'so what did your girlfriend think of this'. Sean got very defensive and when Kat left he came up to me and was all:

your best friend is so weird. She asked me what my girlfriend thought of us hanging out on Valentines Day and i tried to explain to her that my girlfriend didn't think anything of it cause, you know, she knows how it is"

Me: how what is Sean?

She knows that i am like faithful and stuff and that at the end of the day I come home to her. 

Me: Please stop talking 

She knows that she is, like, it for me and that yesterday wasn't a date. It wasn't a date. It was not a date. Don't you think it's funny that Kat would think that it was. Don't you think it's funny, i mean come on, i love my girlfriend. 

Me: [silence. teary eyes. anxiety] I'm not feeling well. I got to go. I'm sorry 

I know. I know. I know. I hear the 'i told you' so's already. There is much more to this story and dreadful ass night but i have to shower and get ready. The story gets worse. There were tears and a yelling match and a 3 hour long phone call to my brother. Can't wait to re-tell it.

Becks

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This is happening. This is happening. I report the boy just called to confirm plans

Sean: So, are you going to go to the movies with me?

Me: um, yeah, of course.

Sean: Great. See you at 5.

Plans have been solidified. I am presenting a very calm, relaxed face to the world but i am freaking out. Freaking the fuck out. I feel dizzy and lightheaded and I think I might barf.

This is not a date. I must tell myself this or I will not make it through the next few hours. This is like any other time that I have hung out with him outside of work. I must not panic. I cannot panic.

I'm panicking a little.

For fucks sake

Be Careful of my Heart

....Sean asked me to hang out tomorrow on Valentines Day. Asaywhatthefuck?!?!?!

I understand that i am pretty naive and innocent when it comes to this dating, relationship stuff. But why the hell would a boy, with a girlfriend, ask me to hang out on valentines day. The one day of the year where significant others should well, hang out together.

I rarely close at Le Sad Store on Tuesdays. My availability even states that I am unable to close Tuesday due to other commitments ($7 movies all day at the theater nearby. If that isn't a commitment then i don't know what one is). But one of our co-workers had a death in the family two weeks ago and the managers have been struggling to get people to cover her shift. I got a damn near frantic all on Monday from Evil Manager asking if i could come in on Tuesday. Actually what she said was "on the weekly schedule i forgot to put down that you were actually coming on Tuesday for a closing shift".

I didn't let on that I knew she was telling a fucking lie (i don't close Tuesdays! she knows this (she makes the schedule). i know this. the whole damn store knows this) but instead agreed to come in because extra money never hurt anyone and because i knew Sean would be there. I wanted to see him for two reasons: 1) he is going on vacation this weekend. I suspect because of our conflicting schedules that I won't see him for a week or so. 2) I wanted to tell him about something that happened this Sunday.

I am writing a lengthy Grilled Cheese post about an interaction that happened between Mutual Friend and I Sunday that was just so absurd and hilarious and like a scene from a very bad sitcom that i have to write it down. It had something to do with Sean because Mutual Friend knows that I like someone (he doesn't know who it is) and keeps trying to 'help me out' with my situation.

In a nutshell (I'm still going to write a lengthy post about it) Mutual Friend finally admitted to me that he had a crush on me back in November/December but that he realized his feelings for me were not genuine. For the next hour he went on to talk about his new girlfriend (Annoying Cashier) and how he thinks she is his soul mate and that he is glad he never told me that he liked me because then he would have missed out on true love. "You were available and I was lonely and I needed someone to love and because you're like my best friend i became attracted to you out of....convenience". And that if he can find true love by being honest with himself maybe I can find it to by admitting to my crush that I like him.

This. Was. Said. To. Me. Straight face and all. Are you fucking kidding me.

For the last few days I have been fuming about this conversation. The way he went about telling me was a little...i don't know...tacky if i can be honest. If you are so very happy in your current relationship, why tell me that you had feelings for me at one point and that you are over me? Why bring the whole thing up in the first place if it can't serve any purpose or new development in our relationship. There was no need for me to know that he ever had feelings for me if they are now long gone. And because he did think this was a good conversation to have with me, why after confessing his feelings did he then go on an hour long spiel about how awesome and amazing and beautiful and smart Annoying Cashier is (she is getting two masters!). I shit you not. We then spent the next hour on some cold ass street corner (cause he wanted to walk me halfway home to tell me this crap) where I had to listen to how amazing Annoying Cashier is and how....wait for it....Mutual Friend finally knows what real love feels like.

I hysterically cried  then laughed then cried all the way home. Not so much because i have ever liked him and wanted him to confess that he still had feelings for me. But because I felt pitied. I hated to hear that his feelings for me were not genuine. For some reason this made me feel like the most unlikable person in the universe. That no one would ever truly have genuine feelings for me not even some ashat who sort of broke up with the idea of me on a cold ass street corner.

Mutual Friend made me promise not to tell anyone about our conversation ( his revelation, my pitifulness, his happiness, yadda, yadda) but of course I told my mom, Kat, you all and finally Sean.

Outside of the wrongness that is my relationship with this boy, he is my closest friend at the store. I tell him practically everything (except that i have feelings for him) and I needed a male perspective. I actually wanted to know his opinion about the whole thing, especially because Mutual Friend went to  him in November to confess said attraction. I needed and wanted a laugh about it and i figured I'd get to see Sean, make him laugh and then say goodbye to him before he went on a 'staycation' for the weekend.

So i agreed to close last night. I re-enacted the story to Sean whose reaction was as i suspected it would be 'so what was the point in telling you. Fucking idiot" and then we went on with our regular routine of flirting, joking around and otherwise not doing any work. Before I went to lunch, Sean and I were hanging out in the backroom trying not to get caught lounging. He seemed upset that his gf didn't want to celebrate valentines day. They see each other every Wednesday and because Valentines Day is on Thursday she sees no point in seeing him twice in one week. His bitterness and frustration was pretty evident and he went on to say 'it's just another fucking day anyway. So maybe i shouldn't take it to heart". I, of course, tell him that it isn't just another day. It's a stupid, campy, Hallmark holiday that people participate in because it's fun and sweet.

He then asked me what my plans were for this 'sweet, fun, campy' holiday and I told him the truth "I'm probably going to buy some watered down alcoholic beverage. Listen to backstreet boys. And fall asleep watching a Channing Tatum movie. There will be tears. Drunk dancing and tears" He laughed and asked me if i was serious. I told him that I was. Then he says "well, i don't think there be tears?" I tell him that I know better than anyone that there will be tears and channing tatum and more tears.

"well, then why don't we hang out Thursday. I have the day off. We could see a movie or something".

me: silence. silence. silence. silence.

"it's just another day and i don't have any plans'

me: it's valentines day?

"and I'd like to see a movie with you if that's okay"

me: okay....but if you bail....I'll be very upset.

Can someone just explain what the hell this boy is doing? He has a girlfriend. Even if she doesn't want to do anything tomorrow, i suspect he doesn't want her boyfriend hanging out with some other chick. Omg, when the hell did I become the other chick? Is this a date? Are we just two people with no other plans wanting to see an action flick tomorrow? What if he bails (which i am pretty sure he will do)? I will be hurt and distant from him. He'll ask why. Will i then have to confess my feelings? Or Worse. What happens if he doesn't bail? What happens if this is a fucking date?

There are many times when I wonder if i am exaggerating my experiences with Sean. I wonder if perhaps what i feel and see from him isn't just some big distortion that my mind is projecting because i like his attention and what to think that he likes me as much as i like him. But then shit like yesterday happens and I'm like "see! see! this is what I'm talking about! these are the mix messages that are hard to decipher". And now either one of two things will happen tomorrow. Me and Sean will casually see a movie together, grab something to eat and hang out on Valentines Day. Or Sean will disappoint me again and I will be left to mend my bruised heart once again.

 Either was i'm anxious and feeling very miserable right now.

The 27th Year.

My birthday is less then a month away. A month ya'll.

Ever since Christmas I have been repeating a very stupid phrase to whoever will listen to me belt it. Anytime I want something great or magical or sweet even extraordinary to happen I'll look to the person I'm talking to,  get all big and dreamy in the eyes and say "I'm just waiting for a [blank] meeeeeeeracle". And of course I have to emphasize and draw out the word miracle like a child, raising my hands over my head and then dramatically dropping them to my side with a sigh.

Around Christmas I must have said "I'm just looking for an xmas meeeeeeracle" a million times. I was in the spirit and wanted things to be awesome. Kathleen would roll her eyes everytime i uttered the phrase but eventually my enthusiasm caught on. And you know what, Christmas was awesome this year.  It was wintry and there were cookies and cupcakes and eggnog. The Boy pulled through in the gift giving department, my various holiday activities with friends and family were meaningful and memorable. It was splendid and amazing and I don't think I've enjoyed the holidays more.

Kat was hoping the phrase would die down after the Christmas but alas it hasn't. New Years: "can't a girl just get a new years meeeeeeeracle". Valentines Day: "i just want a valentine's day meeeeeeracle" (fingers crossed. proclamation of love? the end of his reign of douchery? a damn thinking of you text) and now my birthday: "another opportunity for a meeeeeeracle". Kathleen isn't so much annoyed by the phrase or even my theatrics. Instead she laments that it's so fucking infectious it makes her even hopeful for little stupid miracles and surprises that do not happen in the real world because the real world does not work like the inside of my head. And That we'll both just end up getting disappointed when our expectations are let down.

And she has a point. I know this. I do know this. But i still believe that people are full of surprises and that when you matter enough to someone magical things can happen. I'm just saying. I still innocently believe in this. Sue me. Because of circumstances surrounding my current relationship woes I am not holding out for a Valentines Day meeeeeracle this year. I love the campiness of the holiday, the cards and the chocolate and the bake mixes, but this year I sort of want February 14th to move the hell on. The Boy Who Is Not Mine took the day off ( "if she thinks it's because of V-day she's dead wrong. Die Hard is coming out that day. Die Hard") and it was not with the intention or forethought or afterthought of spending it with me. He entertained the idea of hanging out next Friday once he gets off work but he hasn't brought that up in a week and because I am passive i refuse to mention it to him.

 Kat, who is still in lust with the married preacher, is going to be in a pissy mood the next couple of days especially next Thursday and I suspect I will spend much of the day telling her: don't cry, please don't cry, okay if you are at least going to cry can you wait until we get to the car. But instead of going to the movies with me or hanging out she will head home to her boyfriend (the one she is still seeing despite her obsession with married preacher) and I will be left to sulk in my room listening to Cher (which i happen to listen to a lot during my 'why doesn't anyone love me" days) drinking watered down alcohol and watching Like Crazy, crying so hard that I fall asleep out of exhaustion.

Who wouldn't want to date me....i....am...a....catch!

The only reason I am excited for Valentines Day is that after I wake up from said terrible night the countdown to my birthday begins. VDay, ever since I was little, has always marked the beginning of the countdown to my special day. And last year, despite it being the first without Marie, was pretty special. I got my first tattoo and had a awesome time in the city and ate cupcakes. My family and friends did not let me down and I was happy. Or close to it.

Now however, my expectations are so fucking high, i too feel that I will be let down by the weeks leading up to and after my birthday! And it has nothing to go with the gift aspect (I've decided I want a xbox 360. My mom and are I going halfsie on it. I suspect I wont want anything else after i start gaming) but I really really really really want unique little small birthday moments with each and every one of my small group of friends this year because that was so special about it last year. It would be the birthday meeeeeeeracle of my dreams. If anyone could make this happen it would be the greatest gift of all. Kat and I have a several birthday excursions planned. We are seeing Stomp on my birthday and then 3 weeks later we are going to Cirque Du Soleli which is being performed in a actual circus tent (my heart just pitter pattered). My aunt is taking me shopping and to Sephora for a make-over day ( i am nervous about the make-up thing seeing my last experience was not great). My other friend, the chick who loves wrestling, was going to throw a wrestling event/birthday party for me with Sean, Mutual friend and another guy. But with the whole 'you are inappropriate with my girlfriend' drama unfolding the two of us are planning on going to the city alone, maybe a casino for shits and giggles, instead of enduring an awkward confrontation.

Sean has not mentioned my birthday at all. I asked him to take off for the day of the party but he kept shrugging his shoulders and then said i reminded him that he has to take off for the weekend before my birthday (le sigh). On the way home one night he said he got his mom an awesome birthday gift a few weeks back. I, thinking this was his way of bringing up my own birthday, ask him what he got her. He bought her....prepare yourself. I'm serious. The few i have told have literally almost punched me in the face for continuing to like this fool....he bought her a 100 cans of cat food.

Cat food. Are you fucking kidding me.

Whats funny is that I was with him when he bought all the cat food. He was excited cause there was a big sale at the supermarket and he didn't want to pass it up. I thought it was cute (lurve is blind) that he wanted me to tag alone, we had two carts full of cat food and then had to lug it back to his car like it was prized gold. I thought this experience was adorable because he loves his cats and sales at the supermarket. This is not cute however as a gift to his mom (his reasoning behind the gift is that she didn't have to spend her own money to buy it). Because no matter how you try to sell it to me CAT FOOD as a gift is unacceptable. I just have no words. No words.

But the way things are looking this month, not only in the boy department but in the friend department, i am worried that my desire for a birthday meeeeeeracle will lead to disappointment. Kat is moodier than ever, crying almost every day ('why doesn't preacher like me") and just sent me a text that she wants to feel excited about Stomp and Cirque but just cant. Sean is so busy attempting to join the air force that trying to talk to him about anything is impossible. Mutual Friend relationship with Annoying Cashier is causing a rift in our circle of friends and he doesn't seem very interested in participating in any me related birthday plans. And I'm hardly at the store anymore so i rarely get to see the people I want to see and when I do see them it's for brief periods of time.

This is making me anxious and slightly sad and depressed. I want this year to be special. I'm not sure why but I just need it to be. At least i know I'm getting an Xbox ( mini birthday meeeeracle) but it's not the gift i was looking forward to most this year.

Reoccurences.

I am having nightmares again. Nothing too dramatic or scary or frightening but the context of the dreams have unnerved me to the point where I have had no energy to interact with any one this week.

Last Monday Sean called me and wanted to know about the drama that Mutual Friend brought up this weekend. I had already talked to my mom about how I was going to approach the situation should Sean bring it up. I felt it wasn't my place to say anything outside of what Mutual Friend told me because I don't want to always be the one calling him on his behavior. And plus maybe having a guy tell him that he fucked up would hit closer to home then when I say it.

I missed his first two calls cause I was walking home from work. And when I finally reached my house I told myself I would not answer the phone if he called back. Then he called back and I answered like an asshole. He didn't even mention the potential 'sexual harassment' situation. He called to let me know that he was feeling much better and that he spent all Sunday in bed having crazy dreams because of his fever.

He wouldn't shut up about his stupid dream: he was in a desert, he was a gunslinger or something, he was on the search for gold that was caught in the seams of walls. It was bizarre. He thought he was hallucinating cause it seemed so real. In the middle of his gun slinging, gold finding story I yelled "did you get my text! this is serious. Mutual Friend is pissed and this can become an issue with management".

He sighed and told me to tell exactly what happened on Saturday. And while I told myself I wouldn't say a word because it wasn't my place I told him everything I knew: annoying cashier thinks he is inappropriate and creepy, Mutual Friend doesn't find it funny that his friend is bouncing plush toys off his girlfriends ass, and that Sean needs a wake up call because his mouth and his actions are going to eventually cost him his job.

Sean seemed unfazed by the whole mess. He had another side to the story. He said that he knows he crosses a lot of boundaries but that he wouldn't have taken it that far with annoying cashier if she didn't reciprocate. That the only reason he threw a plush toy at her ass was because she had made some comment about how bouncy her boobs were and he wanted to know if this buoyancy applied to her ass as well. He was mad that she didn't bring it up to him because he would respect her more if she had said something.

I hate how nonchalant he is on the phone. I want to call him on the fact that this is not the first time he has been inappropriate with chicks at work. That along with Mutual Friend being pissed I am a little peeved as well because, well, of feelings that i have had for him that continues to be complicated because of the way he acts around me and other girls. I want to tell him that this is the last time i am going to stick up for him when he is in the wrong.

But I don't because just as the words are appearing in my head he, out of nowhere, asks "so anyway, wanna hang out tomorrow. movie? at your house? "

What? Weren't we just talking about annoying cashier and the seriousness of crossing the line? Wasn't I just saying that I can't do this anymore and make excuses for his bad behavior? Now you want to talk about watching a movie at my house after you get off work.

"suuuuuuuuure, i guess". Le sigh.

Tuesday night comes and I am not looking forward to this boy coming over my house. I am sleepy and have the sense that this hangout is part of some quota this boy has to fill for the week: "hang out with loser crush so that she continues to have my back whenever i fuck up....check!". He gets to my house around 11 and we spend the next two hours watching a movie and talking about various things. He, for some reason, is wearing lounge pants under his uniform and makes a big deal about having to remove his pants so that he sit comfortably in my room. I close my eyes and tell him I won't look as he debates whether he should keep his work pants on or de-pants so that he can sit in his lounge pants. He decides to wear his lounge pants.

He calls his girlfriend (before the movie starts) while I am sitting on my bed clutching a stuff animal Marie gave me in the12th grade and I get to listen to him say "hey baby. yea, no I'm not at home. why? oh is this okay? yea, no I'll be home soon. I'll call you as soon as I do. Love you baby". Followed by a quick succession of kisses you make at a cat to lure them to your hand. I try not to barf, start the movie and then contemplate what the hell I am doing.

The movie and the conversation were actually very nice. Our last experience watching something on tv together did not go well and this was a nice break because it's just us and I felt comfortable and safe in my room. He couldn't get over how nice my room is. I have a glow in the dark solar system mobile hanging above my desk (thanks K!) and he couldn't stop staring at it. I apologized for all the distractions in my room: the space mailbox hanging from my bookshelf, my buffy shrine, the paper cranes hanging from the ceiling, the mini blanket pillow fort where the cat and I chill. He told me not to apologize, that my room was the 'nicest thing'.

He left around 1am but the awesomeness of the previous two hours was replaced by his urgency to leave (probably to get home and call his gf). I walked him to his car and said goodbye and then cursed myself for remaining in the rabbit hole of a mess that this is. When i finally get to bed, after several hours of staring at my ceiling, I have the first of many fucked up dreams.

The one I had that night sticks with me the most because my head is also telling me what my heart is struggling to see. I don't know how the dream began but i am at home when Sean calls and asks if I want to help him move garbage from his garage/basement to the curb. I, of course, agree to help though I ask him how I am suppose to get to his house. He doesn't offer to pick me up so I take the train and then bus to his address where he is waiting outside for me. His house has a weird Tim Burton aspect to it. The lawn is very green and the house is very tall and is painted a weird teal color. Attached is a balcony that doesn't look like it can hold company and his driveway stretches on forever. On the side of the house is the attached garage, the door propped open with a rock.

I ask him immediately how I can help and he says that I just have to stand by the curb while he brings the garbage out. This is weird because I want to be near his house. I want to step on the grass and help him bring things out but he seems adamant that my job is to wait on the curb while he transports the garbage. He comes and goes bringing heavy black bags with him and places them near my feet. After several trips the curb is full of bags and I do not have any more room to stand. He comes out again and this time I ask him if i can use the restroom. He looks hesitant and asks "if you do then who will watch the garbage" I laugh and say 'i don't know. i won't be long. the garbage isn't going to go anywhere' but I can tell he is serious so i ask him again to emphasize having to pee. I point to the balcony because while i was on the curb i notice that there are only two doors to this house. One attached the garage and the other oddly attached to the balcony though there is no stairs leading to the entrance.

He looks up at the balcony but before he can answer his mom, dressed as if she is a nurse in a hospital, approaches us on the lawn. She passes Sean and sticks her hand out for me to shake saying "so you're Beckett. Finally". I shake her hand, coming to the edge of the curb while she stands on the grass. Sean comes and stands beside me and we are all suddenly really close. She continues shaking my hand but turns to Sean and says "I'm very happy to meet her but she has to go. She does not belong here do you understand me". Sean exhales loudly and then storms off to the garage. His mom lets go of my hand and then says "i don't mean to upset you or Sean but you cannot stay. There are people in the house and we do not have enough room for anyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you do not belong here"

I smile at her weakly and tell her I understand. I ask her if I can just use the bathroom before i go but she is persistent: "his father is sleeping on the couch. You'd have to pass the couch and his father to use our bathroom. There are too many people inside. You cannot stay". Then she gets into her car and presumably drives to work. Though I have been warned to stay on the curb (by Sean) and not to enter the house (by his mom) I walk the long stretch of the driveway to say goodbye to him.  I find him in the dark small space furiously throwing garbage into bags and muttering awful things about his mom. His back is facing me and the white shirt he is wearing is covered in sweat.

He doesn't hear me come up behind me and when he turns around the bag of garbage hits me in the stomach. He apologizes profusely and i tell him it's okay. He then says that his mom is wrong, setting the garbage to the side so that he can run his hands through his hair. He says that she never knows what she is talking about. He is livid and now is pacing the garage. I am near tears because i want to believe him but i know his mom is right (i mean he did leave me on the grass to wait for him). And I want to bring this up, but I can't because he keeps ranting about how unfair she was. How she doesn't know what she is talking about. How I am not temporary. How he wishes I could stay. But as I start to back away, saying that i should go, he doesn't make an attempt to stop me. I feel like i am floating towards the exit but he doesn't make any moves to pull me close. To prove her wrong. To make me temporary.

I wake up from the dream soon after and have been in a cranky mood ever since because for the last week I  have had the same fucking dream with slight variations. And I don't know why i can't shake it. I know what my mind is trying to tell me. Hell I know what my heart is trying to tell me and yet I am still resisting and struggling and making excuses and fucking up.

Le sigh.

Wake up Call

Le sigh. Prepare to be utterly disgusted.

This weekend was pretty rough. My attraction to Sean has made me a very stupid girl. For some reason despite the fact that he a) has a girlfriend b) is not the guy for me and b) he is a total asshole, I have developed an attachment to him that I cannot shake.

I have this stupid character trait where i feel the need to take care of the people i love, even if i am not getting anything back in return. If i love you, whether from afar or a up close, i am selfless. I have a tendency of putting my needs and desires and expectations aside to ensure your happiness. I'll get hurt even if that means that you don't. This is a trait that i admire and loathe and in the wrong hands it can be downright deplorable.

I am going to get over Sean. This is a fact but i can't say it is going to easy. A couple of weeks he said he was going to join the air force because when he was a kid he wanted to fly planes and in the air force he could do that (despite being terrified of planes). I told him that this was a terrible idea because it feels like a last resort kind of decision. He isn't happy at Le Sad store, he wants more money, and his girlfriend (who continues to break up with him) said she'd consider marrying him if he joined the air force for 10 years. To me these are all reasons why one shouldn't join the service, because not once did he say he wants to serve his country, but the boy is determined to get in if he isn't medically disqualified (kidney stones) first.

The fact that he wants to join has made me feel differently about him. For one, at 26, he will be an active member of the air force until he is 36. 10 years is a long fucking time to be away from family and friends and in my mind I think he has this idea that I will wait for him. He hasn't said this out loud, but when he told me about enlisting his first words were "I'll be able to send you money while I'm away. You can get our apartment and I'll take care of you financially". Um, asaywhat? We aren't married. We aren't even dating. Hell, i can't even get the boy to treat me like a friend. So why say you'd send me money to take care of me? What does your big headed girlfriend think of this?

Secondly, he seemed more adamant about joining once his girlfriend said she'd consider marrying him if he joined. Consider. She has told him several times that she never wants to get married and doesn't want to have kids, which is something she has always been against. Lately they don't seem to like each other that much. He couldn't get in touch with her for a couple of days because she was ignoring him. They break up every other week (literally) and she accidentally sent him a text meant for her friend that said "I'm done with him". So i think this too is a last minute effort for him. If he joins, she said she'll reconsider her stance on their relationship present and future. But when he asked if she'd visit him while he was away, she said not unless her mom could come with her. When he told her he had the option to join for 4 or 10 years she said she'd only consider if he joined for 10. What the hell y'all.

Finally, and this is a combination of point 1 and 2. This boy is not my boyfriend. Sometimes he is not even a friend if i can be honest. His decision to even think about joining the air force is, in my mind, his decision to not to ever be with me. Why, you say? Because i struggle to maintain his attention now and we see each other all the time. I struggle to be something to him when i am constantly being a devoted crush. His girlfriend said they should take a break and see other people and he didn't want to do that. This could have been the perfect time to test the waters with me and even then he couldn't commit. And what makes this so painful is that i continue to like this prick so much. 

He wasn't feeling well this week. He threw up 3 times at work and spent the remainder of his shift in the break room. I spent the better part of my night making sure he was comfortable. I got him ginger ale, and saltine crackers, i offered to go to the store to buy him medicine, and when he said he didn't know if he could drive home I damn near offered to let him spend the night at my house (i would have slept downstairs or in my Nicole's room).

He of course loved the attention i was giving him but was not grateful for it. One of my managers walked in while I was pouring him ginger ale and he said "she sure does take care of you doesn't she". Sean shrugged his shoulders and made a noise. When I came in to check on him an hour later he was on the phone attempting to call his girlfriend. He saw me and said "i don't know why i can't get in touch with her. I'm about to go home and i really need to get in touch with her I feel terrible". I walked out the break room in a fury. He didn't even come to see or thank me before he left.

I am not a consideration for this boy. I am never going to be Puerto Rican (which if i was, he'd be attracted to me...motherfucker has said this). I am never going to be skinny enough. Or pretty enough. Or docile enough. I am never going to be a girl who he can parade on his arms. I am me. And with this boy that is not enough (shit i almost just cried. shit. shit. shit). So if he joins the air force and goes far far away this feels like that is what he is telling me. Cause he isn't joining so he can marry me. He isn't joining so we can live comfortably. He isn't joining with our future in mind. But more importantly, he isn't staying for me.

So I've been taking a little break from Sean. I've been trying to go to the movies, read, write a little,  and put the focus back on me. And when i am around him, i make the conscious effort to see the real Sean and not the one I've imagined in my head. I'm not going to lie, this is very hard to do especially because I've idealised him. Despite him having a girlfriend and him being a piece of shit and him taking advantage of me ...the idea of him triumphs the bad. I even tend to get jealous when he is super flirty with other girls at work. I know that I have no right to be but I've convinced myself that they way he acts around me is completely different from the way he acts with everyone else. So, in the past, I've been a little unnerved when he is touchy grabby with other people. I can't help but wonder if he also says the same things to them that he says to me and how wasted my affection for him is.

There was one night, two years ago maybe, when he offered to drive me and another co-worker home. I hated this girl, Pam, and did not want her in the car with us. I had seen her and Sean engage in flirty/sexual behavior in the past (she liked to run her hands through his hair, he let her go to his car so she can wear his jacket at work) and I was in no mood to bear witness to this. While we were walking to his car Pam grabs his hand and they start walking side by side. I literally stopped following them and almost burst in to tears. He turned back to me and extended his other hand "come on, join the fun" he said. I looked at them both, told them to have a good night and that I would walk home.

I have gotten better since this outburst, but I've had my moments where I am like "what the hell is this boy doing" and confronted him about how uncomfortable it makes me feel when he acts this way at work. I can't believe that he has no idea that i like him. Sure the boy is a moron, but it is fucking impossible not to see it. And I hate feeling in competition for his attention. When i confront him about it he shrugs, apologizes and says he'll take my feelings in account next time.  But he never does. In all honesty it's his girlfriend whose feelings he should be most worried about. The point is the boy can be super inappropriate and while i am irked by this out of jealousy i am also turned off by this because it is not a trait I find flattering. It makes me think that a) no one is ever going to be enough and b) that he is susceptible to cheating (if the girl is aggressive enough to pursue). But once again, this isn't my place so lately when I've seen him interact with our co-workers in a way that is flirty I've called him on it and then shrugged my shoulders.

This weekend though the boy might have taken it too far. A mutual friend of ours has been dating the new cashier at our store. I dislike this girl cause she has the personality of a used car salesman, wants everyone to pay attention to her and wont shut the hell up. My first interaction with her went something like this: Kat and I were standing around customer service talking about a cute actor on a magazine. We are standing shoulder to shoulder so we can gaze and comment. Annoying cashier sees us talking and says "omg! let me see. I love cute boys". She literally wedges herself between Kat and I and starts talking about who knows what. This was her first day. We hadn't even been introduced yet. But because my friend likes and has been dating her I've been trying to be friendly.

Sean thinks annoying cashier is hot because she is from the Bronx, very curvy and of all things Puerto Rican! At first I was very threatened by her because of this. He came up to me once and was like "i think i like her. She's a nice girl. She's Hispanic. I don't see what you find annoying". Sean and her are very playful and talk religiously about how awesome Puerto Rican girls are. He has a tendency to follow after her if she is around and make light dumb conversation. It can be annoying but at the same time the fact that our friend is dating her makes me less jealous.

The other night Sean, I and annoying cashier were closing. Sean and I had a pretty good night talking and playing this dumb game on my ipod. He said that i was the only one he cared about at the store and that I was the only one who made coming to work worth it. Of course these sweet words were shadowed by his interactions with dumb cashier the rest of the night. He spent most of the night throwing shit at her and making comments about her body. At one point she was having a fun argument with someone in cafe and she yelled "don't make me get all Puerto Rican on you" wagging her finger at him. Sean, leering from the corner like a dog in heat said "you can get all puerto rican on me if you want. I'd like that". She laughed and said 'you have one at home for that" to which he replied "but she isn't here now, now is she".

This is the part where you roll your eyes. Scream at your computer screen. Threaten to throw something at me for being stupid and liking this boy. If you haven't already...what the hell are you waiting for. This boy is terrible and i am terrible for liking him and i am in desperate need for a 'come to jesus' talk.

I am surprisingly calm during the interaction. Sure i am crying on the inside, but i am calm. I tell myself that he isn't my boy and that he can act and say what he wants to anyone he likes (though if he had any ounce of respect for me he wouldn't cause he knows it hurts me feelings). He is not my boy. He is friends with the guy dating annoying cashier. And I am not his girl and my feelings are not in consideration. So i take a deep breath and decide to let the comment slide. But then annoying cashier, Sean and I are at customer service and he throws a plush toy at her ass. She turns around quickly and rolls her eyes at him before breaking out into a laugh asking why he did that. He says to see if it would bounce off her ass. At this point I've had enough and I turn to him and say "really Sean! really! you think that was necessary to say and fucking do!" I storm off.

Like a dumb girl i spend the rest of the night mad at Sean for being a douche bag and at annoying cashier for having a bouncy ass but mainly at myself for letting this continue to go on. He offers to drive me home, of course, but on the way out i see him go up to annoying cashier and possibly ask for her phone number (after he told me i wasn't allowed to have his because only his girlfriend needed to have it) He drives me home but I am very silent and seething with various ways to tell him to go fuck himself. When i get upstairs to my room i realize that I can't do this anymore with this boy. I feel ugly and stupid and not good enough when I am around him. I have put 100% effort into liking him and I am never going to be enough even if his enough is shitty.

The next day I come to work for another closing shift and before i can even put my stuff down my friend who is dating annoying cashier tells me we need to talk, its very important. I tell him that we can talk now if he wants. He says it's about Sean and that it's sort of a touchy subject. I say, oh great what has this boy done now. So my friend tells me that annoying cashier went to him the other night and said she is very uncomfortable with how aggressive and flirty Sean has been and that he is very inappropriate around her. She brought up the incident with the plush toy but also told him that Sean has said things to her that creep her out not just the night before but weeks ago. That he has mentioned her breast and butt in various conversations and has been suggestive with his language.

She went to my friend, her boyfriend, two weeks ago about it and said she would see how far Sean took it before she brought it up again but after the plush toy incident she's had enough and feels harassed. For Christ sakes y'all. For Christ sakes. Keeping my composure I ask what he is going to do. Mutual Friend says he doesn't know. He said he is going to say something to Sean before it becomes an issue that is reported to the manager. I tell him that he should definitely say something but that it has to be done in a way that will not be dramatic and that it probably shouldn't be done at work.

In my mind of course I'm like 'really! really! really!" this is the boy i like: a disrespectful, boundary crossing, douche. This is the boy i like: a boy with a girlfriend who religiously flirts with me and then in the same breath is being gross and touchy with his best mates girl. This is the dude I like, really, are you fucking kidding me.

I send Sean a text in the morning (he relented and gave me his digits) that our friend was pissed at him and that it had something to do with what ever happened between him and annoying cashier on Friday. I gave him the heads up  as a friend because i didn't want him to be blindsided by the confrontation. Or worse, i didn't want him to get to work and continue being touchy and flirty with annoying cashier if it makes her uncomfortable.  I got no response back and of course now feel sort of like an ashat for warning him. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Maybe he needs to be told that he crosses many boundaries and doesn't know when to let up.

Better yet, maybe this whole damn situation is my wake up call.  I continue to stick up for this boy, and make excuses for him, and clean up his mess. I continue to pine and say look at me from the bleachers. I continue to want him and be wanted by him because i have never felt wanted by anyone. But i can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Relationships are suppose to be and feel more fulfilling and i have never felt more empty. Even more than my strong desire to be with him, I want so much more for myself and instead of being worried that I won't ever be a part of his life, it is time that I realize he isn't the right fit for mine. Now or Ever.

 Le sigh this shit is tough.

I'm Addicted

....to Tumblr (what else could i be addicted too!) and I finally remembered how to add a link on Blogger to my other space where pretty pictures and sad words are posted. Check it out. Sometimes pictures express my mood better than words.

Everything is right with the world today.

~Beckett

On Call

Mixed signals will be the death of me. The death of me I tell you.

Sometimes I wish i would have been a little more reckless and experimental in college. Had I had an ounce of confidence, or what i currently describe as 'my lack of not giving a shit what people think of me", I might have dated Mike. Or talked to Art Boy. Or dated casually like normal people do. Instead, I was too anxious to make friends yet alone get to know men (or college dudes at the time).

Unfortunately, this lack of experience has made the last few years....pretty frustrating in the boy department. I continue to have crushes on boys who are unavailable both physically and emotionally. Lets be honest that's probably why i am drawn to them. As someone who is afraid of getting close to people, it's not a shocker that I fall 'in like' with boys who can only give me 15% of themselves because, well, it protects me from being vulnerable and susceptible to liking someone and being open to them.

Not only am I attracted to these unavailable guys, but i feel like this has prevented me from interacting with dudes who could actually fall 'in like' with me and eventually date me. The other night I help these incredibly adorable guy who was looking for a good book in the Self Improvement department. Outside of his horrible taste in literature (really, self improvement) I was quite smitten with him.When we got to the aisle he said I looked like someone who reads a lot. I told him that i do but that i stick to fiction.

"understandable. the real world is pretty frightening, no need to read about it as well".

We both laughed at his quip and then settled into a nice conversation. He asked me if i was a writer. I told him that I use to write, or that i wanted to be a writer, but that i've decided to focus on other things. He asked why. I told him because my head and heart where struggling to create anything these days. He nodded, listened and then said he understood the feeling. He just graduated from school in music composition and that the process of coming up with something can be tiring. He said ideally he wants to score music for movies (sidenote: it has always been my fantasy to marry someone who scores movies. I don't know why. I just imagine my nights with him would be spent listening to something he spent days composing. I don't know. It's weird but whatever). At the sound of "i want to score music for movies" i freaked out and tell him that's awesome. I recommend a few soundtracks that I've been currently listening too and say he should stop back some time to chat.

It was very casual. Very outside of myself but it felt good to have someone's attention for a few minutes. Of course Sean comes walking down the aisle a few minutes later and the first thing i want to tell him is about my interaction with this boy. Because in my mind it will make him jealous and he'll realize that i won't wait for him forever. So i say "omg, i totally just met a nice boy who likes music scores and movies. And he asked me about writing and I think i liked him. Or liked talking to him". Instead of distress or anger or an tinge of jealousy this motherfucker pats me on the back and says "good for you. you really need a boyfriend".

Thanks Sean. Thanks.

I know that I am being a complete and utter idiot when it comes to this boy. My brother, my mom, Heather, Kat, my subconscious mind has tried to warn me of my growing attachment to him. Hell, he has a girlfriend,  regardless if they break up every fucking week (seriously. she broke up with him Friday. They made up Saturday) Despite all of this, he never leaves my mind. I am completely and utterly consumed by him. I know that i deserve more, i want more, I know that he can be insensitive and immature and a straight up jackass. But the moment i'm around him i become engulfed by him and my desire to be taken care of by him and to take care of him back.

But he isn't being fair with my feelings. I am being dangled by a possibility that may never happen. He expects me to be on-call and in wait for him to come around, even though he knows this too may never happen. And for a relatively smart chick I feel like a complete asshole for waiting in the background for him to notice me for him to take me into account. I feel like an asshole. And yet....he has ignited some intense feelings and desires that i can't shake. It doesn't help that he keeps giving me very mixed signals that my inexperience has no idea how to interpret.

This weekend I had to go to the Bronx  Sean lives in the Bronx and a month ago  he told me that anytime I have to go to the Bronx for my various appointments that I could spend the night at his house (as long as I told him in advance). The fact that  he lives with his parents already rules me out for ever taking him up on the offer but I entertained the idea of spending the night with him...because i am a girl after all.

 I didn't tell him i was going to the Bronx this weekend for various reason but out of nowhere he says "the other night I was thinking i'd really like us to share a bed. It's all i could think about. That i'd be able to keep you warm, if we shared a bed". I, at a loss for words, tell him 'that sounds like a nice plan...one day". Two seconds later he mentions that he took off for Valentine's Day so he could spend it with his girlfriend. I said that was nice, sulked away and cried in a corner.

His mixed feelings is killing me. Not only is it consuming me but it feels like it is tearing me apart. I get a glimpse into what a relationship with him would look like, only for him to shut it down. The closer we get the more i am getting hurt because he hasn't broken up with his girlfriend and hasn't come out and said he likes me. So some days i'm like 'fuck you:",' I'll ignore him and push my thoughts of him outside of my head. I'll demand that i find a boy who will commit to me 100%. I'll tell myself, then convince myself, then cry that i deserve better. I'll listen to my various "over you' playlists and banish him and his nice eyes and toned body into the dreaded friend zone. Because i deserve someone who likes me as much as I like them.

But then things like last night happen and i'm further lost down the rabbit that is me and this boy. Le sigh.

So the other night Sean, this guy named Dustin and I are all standing around customer service doing absolutely nothing. A customer comes up, gives me a very seductive smile and asks where he can take his books to pay for them. Dustin starts laughing and I stammer and tell the customer that he can take them up front. He looks me up and down and says "thank you very much" and then walks away. The first thing Dustin says is 'why the hell did he ask you out of all of us where the register was? That was weird right? I mean I was standing right there at the computer and he ignores all of us and asks you". I shrug and say "i don't know" but then another female co-worker says 'well....Beckett's adorable. that's why he asked her. Wouldn't you?". Dustin shrugs and says "yeah, well maybe" (which is the response i expected from him). So i teasingly said "yep, thats what it is i'm freaking adorable. adorable!".

Sean, who has been standing there says "um, no you're not". I turn my head so quickly and say "what?  you don't think i'm adorable". He doesn't say anything. So i, feeling very insecure and say "you don't think i'm adorable. Not even a little bit". He doesn't say anything. I glare at him and then say "well, if i'm not adorable i won't take up anymore of your time. Because i'm not adorable enough for it". Then i storm away. He follows me to the kids department and asks why i'm upset. I let out of the most exasperated groan and tell him that i'm upset that he doesn't think i'm even a little bit adorable or that he had to say it in front of everyone to embarrass me.

He says that is not what he said. I tell him that that is exactly what he said which made me feel like an ugly waste of space.

"whoa. whoa. tell me exactly what i said. I didn't say any of that and you're getting very upset over something stupid"
"you said I wasn't adorable. you said 'um you're not adorable". And I am very adorable, why would you say something like that?"

We stop in the middle of an aisle and I turn to him, who has suddenly become silent and say "tell me the truth. Do you not think i'm adorable at all" (and yes while this seems like a very stupid argument. I cannot have a boy touch me and allude to things like the way he does and then tell everyone that i'm not adorable to him. No)

He looks at me and mumbles "fine you're adorable" and then looks away. I touch his arm and say "no, i'm serious. Tell me. I need you to,  like you mean it or like i mean it". When he looks back at me, he looks so nervous and i have a feeling he's just going to walk away. But he doesn't. Instead, he puts down whatever he was holding at the time and turns my body to face him. I ask him what he's doing and he tells me to stand still. So i do. He takes a small step forward eliminating the small space that separated us so that my nose is pressed up against his chest almost, so i back up. He laughs and asks why i backed up. I tell him I don't know, i got scared cause he was standing so close to me. He tells me not to move again and places his hands this time on the sides of my arm. He moves forward again but i back up. He laughs and tells me this isn't going to work if i keep moving away from him. I wiggle the nerves away and say i promise i won't move again. He says 'good, okay, thank you".

He steps forward again and this time i remain completely still. At the last second i tilt my head up a little so that I look up at him. He smiles and presses his lips to my forehead and whispers into my hair "you're adorable. adorable. adorable" moving his lips back and forth. "You're adorable" he says once more before pulling away "happy?".

I'm not sure what happened after that. My legs may have buckled and I leaned into a shelf to catch myself. I mumbled a 'yeah, that was better" and then stumbled away to some dark corner to squeal and breathe.

Dear god someone help me. This boy is killing me. This boy is using me. This boy is wasting my time. And yet, i...i can't get him out of my head. I just can't. He kisses me on the forehead and everything bad flies out the window. Fuck

I'm going to try and blog as regularly as I can this year. I keep telling myself that I have literally nothing to say and that is why i have been a shitty blogger. I keep telling myself that i do not have enough time in between my two lives, social outings and sleep. I keep telling myself that if this space because on of those blogs that just fades into the blogosphere I would not be upset. But those are all lies.

The perk of working on a small campus is that I, essentially, get paid to sit and make sure the office does not burn down. This summer I got a job working in Document Services (i make copies... a lot of copies) on a awesome law school campus near my house. Before Heather as I had a small falling out last year (around this time i think) she told me she got a job on a college campus that worked out well. 4 hours a day. Higher than minimum wage pay. And weekends off. I was sort of jealous about this because at the time Le Sad Store was cutting hours and I was clocking in maybe, maybe, 8 hours a week. If I was living with my mom or my aunts, these shitty hours would not have been such an issue. But I don't and my mom was helping me pay rent for a very long time.

In April I applied, half-heartily to the same job she was talking about because they were looking for someone to fill the afternoon shift. I sent in the application, totally forgot about it and was shocked when I got a call in August for an interview and was hired on the spot. It was a little awkward at first working with Heather and working out the kinks of our friendship, but here i am, sitting in my very own office with a desk and a computer and a gorgeous view of campus life. I absolutely love it.

For 1) I'm not in the po' house anymore. I mean, I'm nowhere near financially stable but my mom doesn't have to help me pay rent and I can every once in awhile buy myself something that i don't necessarily need but that i want. 2) Time away from Le Sad Store is dope. That place is a black hole. Some of us are there out of comfort. Our friends work there. The job is easy. There are books and music around. But it remains the waiting place. We are all sort of waiting for something big and better to happen and killing time is literally what we are doing. Yesterday we played the Empire Records soundtrack on the book floor and it was very sad and nostalgic because we are sort of there because we don't want to leave this weird stage of life where we don't want to grow up but we can't stay kids forever.

 3) For 4 hours a day I have the free time at the university to read and write, listen to music, or watch netflix on my ipod. Sure, I have actual work to do. I have a campus full of students and faculty to produce copies for on a daily basis. But the workload is rarely over 3 jobs, actual work consists of maybe an hour of my shift. For the other 3, I amuse myself with texting Kat, surfing the net, and writing smutty stories in my notebook. In between this I think i can throw in a blog post every once in awhile. Cause i sort of miss blogging regularly.

The other day i went through old posts. I was looking for the entry where I first wrote about Sean (October 6th 2009!) so i can pinpoint when this disaster of a relationship started. I of course continued to read entries from way back, jumping from 2007 to 2010 to last winter when things went to shit, and more than anything what i love about blogging is having a documented proof of events. I like reading about Mike and Art boy. I forgot all about Professor McDreamy who took up a lot of space in my mind. I like reading about what i learned in therapy and seeing how it still applies. I would have never remembered my therapist telling me that when people get close or I begin to feel like I'm opening up I have a tendency to bail out of fear, had i not written about this conversation circa 2008.

So despite whatever issues are going in my life I'd rather be honest and up front with them and write them out so that I can access them later on and see how far I've come. Even if my days and thoughts are mundane, I'm going to make an effort during my four hour lull period to put my thoughts down again. Like today. Absolutely nothing is going on. Heather and I switched shifts so that I could go see Zero Dark Thirty with Kat this afternoon so I am at work very early praying that I get to just sit here for the next two hours.

During the height of our crush mania (she is still madly deeply obsessed with the married young preacher at work, as i am Sean) we use to go to the movies every Tuesday afternoon. Now this partially had to do with us actually wanting to see a movie and trust me we saw a lot of them, but at the time Sean and Preacher boy use to close Tuesdays. So after Kat got out of work, I'd meet her at the store (dressed very cute) and we'd get our interaction time in with these boys (god I'm so embarrassed by this but whatever) before our show played. We made plans last week to see a movie this Tuesday because we haven't hung out in a while but Preacher became a manager a few months ago and he doesn't close Tuesdays anymore. At the last minute she tells me she doesn't want to go to the movies Tuesday because he won't be there and she wanted to dress up for him (even though he ignores her after they had a falling out).

So she suggest that we go Thursday. I ask why. She says because Thursday is better and maybe i could switch with Heather so we don't have to see a late movie and....and oh yeah the Preacher is working Thursday. She bought a new skirt and tight set to wear just for the occasion. Because she has done stupid things for me in the past (driving all the way to PetCo for Sean), I agree to go along with this. But now, I am second guessing the whole thing. For the last couple of months we have enabled each other regarding these dumb boys and I don't think it is entirely healthy. For a while it was fun but now it just feels exhausting and not worth it.I have literally seen her cry because Preacher refused to take candy from her that she went out of her way to buy for him. I have literally freak texted her in the middle of the night to notify her that Sean was in my room. And because nothing will ever, ever happen between us and these boys I'm ready to bow out of trying to impress ourselves in front of them for small momentary pleasure. It just seems like a waste.

More importantly I do not want to see Zero Dark Thirty. It looks very long and very boring and I understand it may be culturally significant but I'd rather see Django Unchained again or Gangster Squad or something with cute boys that is fictional. I mean if I'm being dragged along for the ride anyway so that she can be sexually suggestive in front of her crush I feel like I should at least be able to pick what movie we are seeing. Le sigh. The things i do in the name of friendship.

I should probably actually get back to work now. I do like that my very fast typing makes me look very professional. Heather and I have started a book club and we are in desperate need of suggestions. I'm not sure if anyone even visits this space anymore but if you have any kick ass reads you'd think we should check out feel free to let me know. Right now we are leaning towards reading Warm Bodies (i'm going to surf goodreads now for further research). I attempted to read it when it first came it. Didn't like the way it was written. Put it down. But I figure I could give it another shot before the movie hits theaters. Maybe.

~Becks

A Great Divide.

Happy belated New Years!

The last two weeks have been kind of rough here. New Years Eve and Day were exhausting and disappointing. I spent New Years Eve at home watching Nickelodeon after Kat couldn't decided whether she wanted to actually do something or not. She complained the whole week prior to New Years that she wanted to get out of plans with her brother and boyfriend to watch the ball drop at home but that she couldn't.

 Come New Years Eve we are standing around at work and she complains that no one asked her to do anything exciting, even though I had made numerous attempts to make plans with her. I think she was waiting for me to say that we should hang out after work (go see a movie! ice skate! eat dessert at a bar again!)but I had it in my mind that I would stay home, eat a bunch of food and watch netflix all day (because a semi-day off for me functions these days as a full day off) and could not be tempted to change them.

I should have. Around Marie's birthday, day of death and even Christmas, i was sadder than usual, but not a complete wreck. I wouldn't allow myself to go to that place i always go where i wonder how things could have turned out differently. I miss her, grief makes sure of this, but some days it is not in the literal sense. I often forget that she is dead. I often pretend as if she has just gone away. That we have grown apart. That, as i always predicted, we would one day just not be friends because of time and distance.

The problem with this is that when I do fully grasp the extent of her death, in the middle of the night mainly, I am smacked in the face with the fact that she is not here. That she has died. That I will never ever be able to talk to her again or see her face or hear the sound of her laughter. She is dead. And I am here. And I am not sure how that happened.

The start of the new year triggered this sudden inexplicable, ache in belly realization. I was home alone, eating another slice of pizza, fucking around on facebook when 'it' came out of nowhere. This 'this is my life without Marie' feeling and I cried harder than I have in a very long time. Because while i miss her, I selfishly miss the person I was before this all happened. I miss the  girl that i will never be without her. I wonder what she'd look like today.

 I wonder if grief is this journey where I am suppose to learn something about her life and death and myself to help cope. Marie and I talked about loneliness a lot. We talked about not being able to connect. We talked about wanting to belong but not wanting to be normal. I can't help but wonder if her desperation had to do with the fact that these were things she felt she would never obtain.

Because those are things that i worry about all the time . I have friends.I have something with Sean (not healthy or good but something). I have a job that i love (the campus job). I have my mom and my brother. I have wants and desires. But everything still feels intangible. Or not enough. The other day Kat told me she felt alone. More alone then she has ever felt. And I was miffed that someone with a boyfriend and family nearby and a history with people could complain about feeling alone. Especially when I, often, have no one to depend on.

Case in point...i got the Flu from Sean two weeks ago (one of the reasons for my absence). The day after New Years Eve i went into work only because i knew he was going to be there. Forgive me for liking this boy, but i do. Our relationship continues to coil itself into a knot that we can't untangle. When he is not giving me mixed signals and breaking up with his girlfriend (only to get back with her an hour later) we are....us. We flirt, and make plans, and hint at things. We find reasons to be around each other. He calls, regulary to check in. He drops by my house after work if he can to say hi. He is more than a friend but not my boyfriend.  But the lack of emotional, physical or mental available is killing me.

I expcet more from him. I want him to by mine. I want us to be able to go on an actual date. I want to be his girlfriend. But most importantly, or heartbreakingly, I want him to want me as much I adore him. Cause I adore him. And he knows this and yet is still madly deeply infuatated with his no job having, 'agoraphobic', writer girlfriend. She broke up with him on Christmas. Made up with him the next day. And then broke up with him on New Years to make up with him an hour later. And he says he stays but she's a 'nice girl who's really pretty'. Which makes me feel like blah.

Anyway, he's been battling some 'bug' since Christmas (coughing, head aches, abdominal pain, congestion..it was awful) and despite his warnings that we shouldn't get too close until he felt better, i didn't listen which resulted in me getting the Flu not too lonfg after. You never feel completely and utterly alone until you have the flu and realize that you are too weak to do anything but that you have to or you will die. Okay, im being a little dramatic...but you get what i'm saying.

 The Flu from hell beat me up these past couple of days. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I ached all over and thought that perhaps I was being divided into pieces. My mom was too far away to do anything. I couldn't expect much from Sean (who did call to apologize for giving me the flu...but did not drop by to make me soup as I expect my future boyfriend to do) because he isn't accessible outside of work. Kathleen, who too was battling the flu, was being taken care of by her boyfriend. And I didn't have anyone else to call.

So with the little energy I had, I dragged myself to the drug store and bought medicine. Then to the supermarket to buy soup and crackers. I called out for work several days and laid in bed thinking that I was dying. My mom, who is a worry wart to begin with, was days away from buying plane tickets to come take care of me. I told her i wasn't feeling that bad (lie of the century) and not to worry. Then I sulked and contemplated if life will continue to feel so lonely. Sure there was no one to take care of me while I was sick, but when I sit back and think about it i still have issues with connecting. I still don't have this reliable source of people to turn to when i'm in the pits.

AndI hate admitting that i need people. I hate it. I spent most of high school, college, and the last few years convincing myself otherwise. But now in the wake of Marie's death, the connections i have made, and the one with Sean I am trying to understand I want more than ever to have people who need and want me around as much as I need and want them around.

And I feel at a loss for how to accomplish this. I've done great this last year and will continue as i have been. I've been reaching out to people, spending time with friends and family, expressing my love and adoration as much as I can. But how do i know if these are lasting relationships? Maybe I need to meet more people? Different ones from my friends at work? And what am I too do about Sean? I am determined to tell him how I feel this year. I have no other choice. I can't go on another year pining for him and waiting for him to want me. Or more realistically, for him to tell me that he isn't going to leave his girlfriend and that i deserve someone who wants me as eqaully as i want them.

I am not one for New Years Resolutions. I think they are stupid. But as much as I am afraid of change. I am more afraid of not achieving connections and finding happiness and not being okay. I am afraid of being alone. But I most am afraid that because this life without Marie is strange and weird and lonely yet beautiful and scary and new that i'll go back to that place where i pretend like I dont want and deserve happiness for fear of never finding it.