Arrested Development

Well it didn't snow...

Christmas was good though. i woke up to the pleasant sight of rain. I like the rain though so it wasn't that bad. I opened my presents that i myself wrapped (because my mother just rolls the paper over it, and tapes, and tapes, and then won't stop tapping. So what she does is gives me the box, make me promise i won't look, and then watches me during the wrapping). I have perfected the art of fake enthusiam, watch out world. After presents(which did not consist of an ipod, sigh), my brother dragged around the house, we had food, drank excessively to much sparkly, and passed out watching a marathon of the outer limits.

Just the way we like it.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. Something about the last week of this year has my buzzing with all the possibilities that lay before me.

Arrested Development.

Other than being an amazing good show(damn you fox), i seem to be in an Arrested Development. Being home these last couple of days, i'm seeing how much i don't like it. I mean sure i like spending time with my mom, and there are days when i just want to stay at home and lounge around. But i don't want to live the life of watching Oprah religously and acting like i should care about people on tv i will never met, i cannot spend every waking day in pajamas and deny the world thats out there.

I think it's because i worry so much about my mom and brother that leaves me arrested. that without me my mom would go completely crazy and be lonely, and well...i don't think Morg would mind. i don't know how to explain it. So here's an example.

Example 1: Browsing at some clothes outlet store
[Mom picks up something she would wear]Mom: This is too cute, do you like it?
Me: It's not really my style
Mom:[sighs] what is your style?
Me: Well not the older woman style, i'm 19...19.
Mom: This isn't old
Me: There are like grandmothers in here looking in the same section we are, this is a little bit older for me
Mom: Well this is my first time in here
Me: What made you think i would like it?
-Later in Pacific Sun-
[See a cute jacket] Me: I like this one
Mom: It's green
Me: i like the color green
Mom: I don't like it
And then she goes and picks up this horrendus jacket i would never wear, once again something she would wear.
Mom: this is so cute, it would look good on you.

-Out in the parking lot-
Mom: There was a lot of cute clothes in there
Me: That you would wear, i think i like a more edgy style, not so cookie cutter. I have to keep reminding you about blurring the lines between you and me.
Mom: i know, we have different taste
Me: i'm just saying if you had your way i would be a mini you
Mom: [dramatically stabbing imaginary knife in heart] That was tough
Me: It's the truth
Mom: i know

Example 2:-At the supermarket. After i ran into an old teacher-
Me: i saw my librarian in here
Mom: Oh thats nice.
Me: she was happy to hear i was going to the school in state, she never wanted me to go to Pitt or Philadelphia when i told her.
Mom: everyone was trying to tell you that, you just wouldn't listen
Me: listen i have two more years of this hell hole before med school.
Mom: Maybe you'll change your mind
Me: Hell no
Mom: we'll see

I want so much for myself that i busting out to consume it all. And some how i feel like she's holding me back from that, not out of any malicious intent, but just of fear of losing me, of letting me go. But some where along the lines i have to declare my independence, and gently cut this string that binds us, the string the holds me back from creating a life for myself.

So i guess thats kind of my first thing on my "starting over" list. To claim independence, to stop having her run my life. Because the direction she wants me to lead is not the course i want to go. I want to take chances, i want to make mistakes, i want to be apart of "it" instead inclosed in our own lonely bubble. I just see so potential in myself, and i feel like i'm supressing it in fear of hurting her, and wanting to tell her that it's kind of time for me to make that leap. You know, that first leap being the being the hardest one to take, but i'm so ready for it.

I just keep sitting here in this house, and watching them do nothing. I never noticed how much 'Nothing" bother me, until waking up to it everyday. I want to have a life for myself, that doesn't involve me trying to make them happy. I mean sure i want to make my mom proud and i want our relationship to stay close, but this isn't Garden State( i always refer back to this movie), i'm not Natalie Portman portraying at girl who is like "my home is always home to me" or some crap like that. I guess i just want to start my own life, i don't just want to be a figment in some else's. I don't want to be Mom's smart daughter, or Morg's brainy sister. I want to be Beckett, with her own friends, a job at school that i will probably hate, a car that may not always run, but a place i can return to that will relieve the pressures of the world and my own little niche, my own little life. I want them to be apart of what i have created for myself not vice versa. I guess thats not too much to ask for. Cause it's the only thing i want.

I want my life back.

I've been hiding from it for too long.

Andrew:You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew : You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.