Yesterday's Blues.

So yesterday was not a good day. It was pretty good up until my mom called.

Ever since my b-day i have been planning a trip to Philadelphia. From cool hotels to places i will eat, i have been all over this trip. Even more than studying for finals.

So yesterday while talking on the phone with my mother i wanted to make sure she had made reservations for the hotel we were planning to stay in. It was affordable, downtown and close to everything was wanted to see and do while we were in Philly for the weekend.

From the 5 second silence i could tell that my mother did not make the reservations for the hotel i had given her the number for 3 weeks ago. Apparently she thought it would be easy to make reservations for hotels less than two weeks before we are suppose to be in Sunny Philadelphia.

And of course, because she waited last minuted EVERYTHING is booked up.

The only hotels even remotely open are the ones so far out of town or near the airport, and i refuse to stay near the airport. The hotel(s) i picked were trendy/comfortable/downtown and affordable. I was looking forward to this trip so bad, and it was just another example of not being able to rely on my family to do the simplest of task. I wrote a blog right after the phone call venting my frustrations, but damn blogger deleted half of it. I'll post it later on today.

I was just so frustrated, so discouraged, and i hadn't felt this way in a very long time. My therapist says it's funny that i relyso heavily on my families approval when they repeatedly seem to disappointment me. I hate that my only support system is full of unreliable people, who never follow through. And yesterday was the first time in the long while i cried out of frustration, and i hate that.

So needless to say i woke up in a pretty sour mood today. Cursing anything and everything.

I think what i have learned the most from therapy is that i need a support system other than my family. When I'm sad i have no one to turn too, when I'm confused i have no one to go too, and i need that, i want that. Because when i have bad days and have no way of letting it out to comforting ear, i beat myself up about things. I wallow and drown in my own tears and sorrows and make things seem more horrible then they really are.

I seem to be the Ms. Fix-it in my house, making sure the pieces don't fall away, but whose there to help me when my house needs taking care of. Whose there to come to my aid...no one.

The more and more the day went on though, the better i felt. I made an attempt to talk and connect to people. I even talked to short boy's EX-FIANCE, short girl, and even some other people at work and during class. I need friends. i need a support system, because i need a shoulder to rest my head on when times get rough. When I'm mad at my mom, i have no one to talk to about it. I've been avoiding Marie so she doesn't drown me with her boyfriend stories, and Mike is not a person i talk to about personal things.

I feel like i have to pull away from my family being my safety net, because the net is full of holes that i am falling through.

But i tried not to let that bother me today, even though it still did. The end of the semester is too close to have this bring me down.

Anyway

I FINALLY talked to hot professor today, and my uterus did not even fall on the floor.

We didn't have class last week so we could spend the time writing the paper he assigned(My seinfeld/postmodern paper). Of course i waited last minute to write this 8 page paper, but in the end i was pretty proud of it, and even ended up with 10 pages.

So today was basically a class so he could hand us back our test and so he could get our papers. He of course left our test in his office and the whole class had to go to his office, wait in the hallway as he handed it out to us individually.

Because he doesn't want to give a final, he said that if we made a B or higher on this exam and a B or higher on the paper then we are exempt from the final. Naturally i want an A in this class, but I really don't want to take the final, so i was hoping beyond hope i would get a decent grade. As i head in he goes "hello Ms. Beckett" This is the 2nd time a teacher has called us by that name, who knows why.

I made an 87 on the test, and have a 86 average, not counting the paper. He said that we can all assume that we made an B+ because he grades the paper pretty easily but that he wont easily give a lot of A's on this paper. Hopefully I'll get an A, i asked him it was an impossibility before i left, and said nothings impossible. Why does he have to be so hot and dreamy.

Anyway. Tomorrow is my last day of therapy for the year, and I'm a little said. It was like Wednesday with Kacey for the past couple of weeks and she has been person i have really ever ranted my frustrations to (other than you guys and girls).

Being the last session and looking back on this year i feel like i am suppose to say what i have learned. But for the first time in a while it's more about what i feel i have learned. I'm not completely and utterly happy, but on my way to getting there. I'm content with my life right now, and more optimistic about the future. I want to dance and sing, and be crazy and funny and gentle and sad all at the same time.

And even when things get shitty i don't want it to bring me down. I'm so tired of being sad, because my life is so much more than that. I'm so much more than that i guess.