Apparently, I'm just not that Girl

It's really late and I am hella tired.

For a Friday close we got out super early. It was the A team of a closing crew and by 11, the store was already clean. By 11:30 we were out the door, all in various stages of a caffeine high or low.

McAbs offered to drive me home again. And because it was raining outside I wasn't going to do my whole "no, I really want to walk" thing.

But something unnerving happened in the beginning of my shift today. Something that has my head spinning. McAbs is a very touchy guy. Never in a way that is inappropriate or worse, illegal. I mean he is super flirty, and if I was his girlfriend I would more than pissed at the attention he gives to other girls.

But for the most part of interactions are...silly. A punch in his arm, him touching my elbow, or hugs. Super nice hugs. But that's it. And the level of work flirtation has been, amateur.

But then today, I was in the break room. And he wanted to know if I needed a ride home. But instead of just, you know, asking me and me smiling at him, he came up behind, placed his hands on my hips and pulled me into him. Then asked me ultra seductively, if I needed a ride home.

??????

It felt weird. Not because 'red flag' this motherfucker has a girlfriend, and he those are my hips you are so naturally touching. Or maybe that was actually the feeling.

I didn't feel like it was ultra inappropriate or worse,illegal, but there was something wrong about. My body reacted physically to him touching me in a way it hasn't before. Not that he hasn't been ultra touchy in the past with me and a slew of other girls, but the intimacy of this touch threw me for a loop. Not because it felt good, because I didn't enjoy it. He had this "i'm Tarzan, you Jane stance". His hands on my hips were way possessive and I fell forward in an attempt to escape him.

I tense up when he touches me sometimes. Like despite all my hot and heavy dreams about him, my body doesn't trust him. It flinches and pulls away even before my mind has a chance to. And I realize it's because I don't trust him. Not only because he has a girlfriend, but because I don't think he's this .....gentle person. I think he's forward and aggressive, I think he's Tarzan and I have no want to be his Jane.

When Mike and I were friends, there was a level of comfort with him. Because I knew he wouldn't...hurt me. And though I KNOW McAbs would NEVER do anything to harm me, my body isn't reacting like it knows this. My body is not sensing this from McAbs, it instead felt violated even before a violation occurred. And it nothing to with McAbs himself. He was joking around, and being dumb and being a guy around a girl he likes to flirt with. But the reaction I felt was like nothing I have ever felt before.

My body felt wrong in his. Like there was no compatibility, and I wanted to escape rather than linger and let his hands rest on my hops.

And even now, I am trying to figure out where this is coming from. I am a girl. I am pretty. Boys like me. I like them. But my body has never felt such an aversion to someone else's before. With Simon (who I had to call Adam on this blog while I was Lenny's intern), there was this connection on so many levels. I felt like we meshed mentally and emotionally and physically. Don't get me wrong, he was a boy, so he did get on my nerves sometimes. Like when I had the flu and he kept going on and on about computers. I almost stabbed him, but was willing to heal him afterwards.

But when I stood next to him, or helped him fix something in the office in the small confides of a closet. My body felt safe, I didn't want to escape. I had no problem leaning in just a little closer, for the hell of it because I knew he wouldn't....hurt me. It just felt right. I just felt safe.

And tonight I didn't. With McAbs hands on my hips, and my back against his chest it was unnerving. It was weird. I felt weird. I didn't talk on the way home (luckily someone else was in the car so it wasn't too awkward!), and now I can't sleep.

Am I going to have this weird physical problem with every guy (who isn't like Simon, or Mike: sensitive, emotional types) who wants to be flirty? Am I a big weirdo? I understand that it's McAbs and he's just some guy at work who I will probably never have any connection to outside of work with...but...I don't know.

My head hurts. I might delete this in the morning. Must stop thinking.