January 1st, 2000

I imagine the dread, depression, doom and general malaise I feel right now is how I would have felt on January 1st, 2000 if Y2K happened after all.

Like most American's, I am stunned by the outcome of the election. I voted for her. I was with her. I am still with her. I thought I was going to be a part of another history making/defining election after the success of electing Barack Obama 8 years ago.  When I started this blog 11 years ago, I made the conscious decision to be as vague as possible about myself physically so that whoever read this blog could relate to my words and words alone. As a writer, I am interested in connecting to all people despite my  race and gender which has often been used against me to dictate what others feel I am allowed to write about or the life experience I am allowed to live.

But when Barack Obama was elected in 2008, I was proud as an American to elect him but foremost as an African American to see someone who looked like me achieve the highest level of success. Because you know, I'm African American been so my whole life (i hope this doesn't change anything between us). Barack was, for me, a beacon of light and hope because he demolished  race barriers that I often struggle to break in my everyday life. I was always the brown girl in school who everyone made fun of because I "talked white" and was shy and  read a lot of books and liked rock music. Because of this, I have often felt strange in my own skin and strive to have people to see my character first before they focus on my skin (which yes, is like caramel)

For some reason my "blackness" was and is unusual because I am told that I don't fit into the caricature that is often perpetuated by the media. I am neither sassy or loud, argumentative or bossy. Like most human beings, I possess a multitude of traits that aren't race specific, though I live in a society that is constantly trying to attach specific generalizations on people of color.

 I am  proud of my heritage and where I am from but at the end of the day I'm really just an ordinary  girl with the same basic wants in life that I assume any other woman (or man)  wants. I just happen to have dark skin but that is the least interesting thing about me though it is the first thing that people equate my personality with. The most insulting ( and consistent thing) I hear from damn near everyone I meet is "you aren't like most black girls" as if the backhanded compliment should make me feel good. It doesn't. I don't know how other black girls are or are not, my blackness is not on some Kinsey scale of race.

When Barack came on the scene and I knew I could help elect him as the first African American president I was all about it. I rocked the vote. I listened to his  riveting speeches. I dreamed of being Michele Obama who epitomizes grace and strength.  I was so proud to see my county move into a direction where someone who looked like me could achieve so much and make an impact on the world. I cried like a baby on election night 2008. I felt proud to be a part of history. I felt proud of America's acceptance of 'blackness".

So you bet come 2016, I wanted to also have a hand in electing the first female president  for reasons that are connected to my  gender and belief that she was the best candidate for the job . I was never on the Bernie train and did not even considered a 3rd party candidate. I have admired and looked up to Hillary Clinton for as long as I can remember because she was a vocal first lady, turned senator. I didn't care if she was the perfect candidate  I just knew she was the right one. I felt energized by her campaign and message of unity. She tapped into my desire to be more of a public servant and make a change in the world. She made me care about issues and creating a vision of America that was full of hope.

I proudly supported her campaign for 14 months. I was vocal about my enthusiasm and yesterday when I woke up a 5am to head down to my polling center I was emotional as hell. The thought that I would have a hand in electing both the first African American and female president in my short voting history was overwhelming.  There was never a doubt that she would win. The polls were leaning in her favor, the other candidate seemed too much of a risk for people to vote for and I was convinced that Americans would vehemently reject his rhetoric and divisiveness of her contender.

Obviously that did not happen. I was already anxious about the election during the work day but by 10pm whatever history I thought was going to be made quickly faded to black. I watched her numbers stay the same and his increase, I felt the tension in the air, I knew that I had grossly underestimated how divided my country is. And then I forced myself to go to sleep, except this time I did not pray to God or Mother Nature of Buddha to keep me and my family safe from this disaster. I didn't pray for the nightmare to go away, or more importantly for a do-over because obviously we fucked up as a nation.

 Mainly I just laid there, with my eyes forced shut,  hoping that who I am will not (again) be something that is hated and feared in this county. I worried about my own 'blackness" and my "woman-ness", I worried about how other women or people of color would deal with this awful transition and shift in our country. I wondered if other communities (religious, immigrant, LGBT)  that were such a target of hate during this campaign season were holding up okay and I hoped that maybe they would know that I stand with them as I did with her and that love will trump hate. I promise.

The next few days,weeks and months are going to be tough. There are 71 days until inauguration, enough time to band together (enough time for him to fuck up too) and maybe create something beautiful out of this dismal situation. I think this election was an awakening we needed (but didn't want). I know and love this country and we are so much better than 288 electoral colleges. We can be so much more because of her and because of Barack and our basic human goodness. That's the only thing keeping me sane today.