A Girl Named Stressed.

So I am still not in the best of spirits these days. I wish this weren't the case but my natural sensitivity has made the last three weeks tough to deal with.

The Elephant in the room remains one of my biggest stressors these days. He called last Wednesday to finally thank me for his birthday present. I was at work, so I missed his call and listened to the thank you voicemail during my break.

He said he'd lost his phone over the weekend, that's why he didn't call. He said that he loved my gift. The note especially. That if i wanted to call him back, I could, cause he'd be there to answer. I didn't call but i sent him a text saying I'm glad he liked his gift.

On Friday I walked in to work and he wanted a hug as if things were back to normal. I gave him one, asked him how his birthday was and then told him I couldn't talk for long because I had to clock in. I felt okay briefly cause I thought 'maybe i can just put all this behind me like he has. Maybe i can just be the better person and forgive and forget".

But as the night progressed I realized I couldn't. I'd see him hamming it up with a co-worker or having fun or making plans with the boy i hate and I'd be filled with anger. I've been wearing the stress of the last three weeks on my face. I've lost my appetite. I'm not sleeping well. There has been crying and sad music and all I've seen from this motherfucker in three weeks is smiles.

It irritates the shit out of me.

By the time my break rolled around I walked into the break room and he is face to face with the girl who works in music. They were talking about nonsense but there closeness and near touchiness makes me irritable, jealous and paranoid. All i can think as he is standing there face to face with this girl is 'i wonder if he thinks that is attractive. Her tallness. Her big boobs. Her curves. I wonder when he stares at her if he is attracted to that" and because of this I ignore them both when they ask me if I'm okay.

Because I'm not okay. I wasn't okay. I felt sick and nauseous and on the verge of passing out from everything. I walked out of the break room to take a breather  and when I came back in I sat down and laid my head down because my head felt turned inside out.

A minute or two later Sean comes back int to there break room and bangs on the table, to announce his presence. I lift my head and smile at him weakly and then put my head back on the table. Out of all the empty seats at the table he sits down next to me and for a solid 15 minutes he awkwardly eats his food while i try to hold back tears.

I don't remember much of what happened next. I asked him about the Navy. He said he didn't really know what he was doing but it was something. Then he asked me if I was happy just working at the store? If i was comfortable? Because that's why he's leaving. He doesn't want to be comfortable anymore.

I mumbled something but started feeling terrible. Like physically. My head was spinning, my belly was cramping, i couldn't concentrate on forming sentences. I shut down. Sean called a manager and told him I was having another of my 'dehydration spells' then i was interrogated on if I'd eaten enough or drank enough during the day.

By the time the manager came I asked if I could leave early and he said of course. As i was gathering my things said manager asked if I was stressed out about stuff and I said 'if only i could tell you' and he said that stress can trigger a lot of things. I should try taking it easier for a couple of days. Take care of myself as best as i could.

I walked home and sobbed. I got home and sobbed. I slept for 14 hours and listened to Fiona Apple. Sobbed some more. I then spent most of my shift Saturday sulking and being generally miserable. Everyone asked what was wrong but to respect Sean's privacy (and my own) I said I was just going through things. And this is bothersome as well because  i want to tell everyone the truth, not because I'm vindictive and a bitch but because i felt so invalidated by him. Not rejected but invalidated. And I can't tell a soul why. I can't.

If I could though I'd scream to anyone who would listen that Sean has been stringing me along for quite some time. He has been selfish and unfair to my feelings. He is delusion to his own. And that despite what he says about his girlfriend he's spent the last four months 'hanging' out with me. He calls me on the phone. He asks me to go out with him. He wanted to spend the night at my house. He wanted to move in together. When his parents weren't home for a week he was the one who asked me to spend the night. Oh, and naked naked touchy bath time happened. He wanted the bath and the shower and the spooning. Oh and I accidentally touched his balls (my foot roamed in the bath). Oh and he asked me how big his penis was. And said penis whacked me in the face when he was getting out of the tub. And oh, he wanted to look down my swim shorts. Oh and he had a boner. Oh and he jokingly suggested he'd go down on me, oh and this motherfucker asked me to sleep on him while he was wearing just boxer briefs and I was wearing only a t-shirt.

But nope not attracted to me. Nope not interested in dating me. Nope I'm the one who has taken everything out of proportion. I'm the crazy sad moopey girl who just needs to get over whatever is going on in my head. I'm the one who should suck it up and not feel just a little bit degraded that my first intimate relationship was with a boy who said he isn't interested. Not because he isn't but because the boy is an asshole.  A boy who just regarded my body as parts he was interested in looking at. Nothing more. 

Yep, but i'm the douche in this situation. I'm being too sensitive. I'm in the wrong for still being upset. I'm the one who is overreacting. I'm the one who should just let it go.

Ashats Have Birthdays Too.

So today Sean turns 27.

Stupid fuck face.

A few days before our weird weekend i asked Sean what he wanted to do this year for his birthday because last year he gave me such a hard time about wanting to celebrate it.

I spent weeks leading up to his birthday last year begging him to let me buy him a present. But he was such a grouch about birthdays and celebrations that i feared getting him anything cause he said he would get mad if I did. I ended up buying him windshield wipers because it was literally what he asked for and it seemed like a good compromise.

I thought I wouldn't get to see him on his birthday last year  because he took off work and I assumed he had plans with his family or girlfriend but in a weird turn of events I actually got to spend part of the day with him. A mutual friend  of ours was getting baptised on his birthday and she invited a bunch of us to go. Kat and I went along with another girl from work and Sean and some guy from work came along as well. We all thought it was pretty weird that he wanted to spend part of his birthday watching a baptism but i was too happy to be near him to care.

It was a nice day. We were all dressed in our Sunday best and on the beach and surrounded by love and new friends. I brought along another gift i collected for Sean and surprised him with it before he went home. While i hate giving money as a present (too impersonal) I knew it was something he wanted so I spent the previous week gathering birthday money from people at work. I collected about $78. I put it in a funny card and wished him a happy birthday, he seemed shocked and happy.

This year, because of the new depths of our  relationship, I wanted to do something grand yet small for his birthday. Bar hopping with friends, bowling and maybe a burlesque show or even just a day at the movies. Something, anything, because he told me he never has good birthdays and I wanted this year to be special, especially now that he is officially going to the Navy in January. I wanted his last birthday with friends to be nice.

But that got all fucked up with his bullshit about 'that weekend' and my hurt feelings. And any and all plans were immediately axed by moi. This past week fared a little better than last week but it still feels like everything is fucked. I can't forgive him and he has yet to apologize. He gave me a shit apology on Friday 'i'm sorry i made you upset' but has yet to take any accountability for what he did and what he said.

And yet i feel like the person losing him instead of being lost to him. I want him to feel miserable. I want him to be sad. I want him to feel like poop. Poop. And two weeks later, it is I who feels bad. It is I who doesn't want to be lost to him. It's the most backwards shit ever.

And it's not to say he isn't trying or he isn't feeling bad but this situation just seems so much easier for him to discard while it continues to pain me a little. I am pained by it. Regardless, I bought him his birthday present before all this shit went down and I couldn't return it. So i spent most of last week, silently weeping as I put together his birthday gift so I could give it to him on Friday.

This year instead of cash or windshield wipers I bought him tickets to New York Comic Con. He goes every year and its the one thing he said he'll miss when he is deployed ( i seriously am not sure how this boy got accepted into the Navy). I wanted to get him a three day pass to Comic Con but it was all sold out by the time I went to buy them. Instead I bought him a ticket for Friday and Saturday. It cost me a pretty penny but I was more concerned about thoughtfulness than anything else.

Because the actual tickets wont be mailed out until late September, I only had a printed receipt to gift him. So i bought him a couple of weekly comics, a special Comic Con edition of TV guide and printed out a few campy pictures of characters from graphic novels that he likes. I stapled them into a folder, so it opens like a book, and wrote him a note on top of a Comic Con 2013 logo that I printed off the website.

I wrote the note just before I gave him the gift on Friday ( i took the weekend off and i won't see again until this Friday so I had to give him his gift a few days early). I told him that I know things aren't good between us but that wouldn't have stopped me from getting him a gift. I told him that as his friend I wished nothing but happiness for him. I told him that i wished he wasn't so afraid of being the Sean that i fell in like with; the one who is great.  

He seemed taken aback when I gave him the wrap gift on Fir day. We were still kind of not talking but being polite and I nonchalantly said 'i got you something'. I then spent the rest of the night being a little distant and aloof. He didn't drive me home because he had plans to see a movie with this kid from work that i loathed. Before we said goodbye though I made him promise that he wouldn't open his gift until he got home. Or better yet,  to try and wait until his birthday to open it.

Even though i had a spectacular weekend (I'll post pictures soon of my adventures) I spent most of it looking down at my phone hoping to hear something from him. But i haven't. Not a thank you. Not  a 'you really shouldn't have'. Nothing.

I'm not sure why I keep hanging on to this boy who clearly does not deserve my attention. It's painful.

Happy Birthday Asshole.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Everything is terrible. Thanks life.

Just Miserable.

I have a more detailed post about the aftermath of Sean and I's fight. I wanted to write it all down so I wouldn't forget. And maybe because I could use some advice.

It's been a whole week though and I just feel like shit about the whole thing.

He said he wasn't attracted to me. He got defensive when I asked him if two friends showering and bathing together was normal. He got defensive and looked down in his lap and said that I didn't have to worry about him being faithful because he wasn't attracted to me.

He gave me the whole spiel again: his gf is way up here (indicating the sky) and because he's not attracted to me nothing would ever happen between us. I asked him if he was serious. About not being attracted to me. And he said "yeah, i'm sorry. What do you want me to say. Would you rather I lie to you. Are you only friends with people who are attracted to you"

He said this to me as if i had made the last four years of inappropriate flirting and hanging out on valentines day and him bringing me sand back and him kissing me on the forehead and him taking a fucking naked bath with me and him asking me to move with him to Delaware and him telling me on the way to the bar that he thought it was hot that i was older than him and him....gah, him being the aggressor. Always the aggressor.

He said this to me as if i was a child. As if I was insignificant.

And even if he was fucking lying to my face, even if he was trying to deflect the blame off of himself, i can't get the stupid words out of my head. I can't help but feel ugly and disgusting and undesirable. And worse, I think back to the girls he has admitted attraction to: Toothpick Girl and our ex-coworker Pam with the lazy eye and Cashier Girl and even his actual gf who a mutual friend described as pretty if she had a paper bag over her head. I can't help but think to myself that i'm 'undesirable' in the eyes of this boy. Me.

I am the one with the flaw. I am the one who will never mean anything. I am the one that in his eyes never had a chance.

 What then is wrong with me.

About This Weekend Part 1

For the time being Sean and i are no longer friends.

I am gutted. Simply and utterly gutted by this decision. But i don't really have a choice.

Here's the story.

Sunday Sean and I both called out from work so we could hang out. He wanted to go to a bar near his house to watch a PPV wrestling match and when he asked me, and me alone, to go I was elated. Instead of driving me home afterwards he said I could spend the night because his parents were away.

He picks me up at 7 and we head to the Bronx. Surprisingly we have a blast at the bar. We are both tipsy and happy to not be at work. He keeps leaning into me to say "i am so happy right now? are you? cause i am" and I look at him and say that I am. Genuinely happy to be there with him. When the match ends we have sobered up and head back to his house.

On the way there we talk about swimming in his pool. He had mentioned it before he picked me up so I already have my bathing suit in my overnight bag. He knows that I do not know how to swim so he makes promises that he'll at least teach me how to tread water. When we get to his house I tell him I am going upstairs to change into my bathing suit. He  looks at me and asks why i don't change in the living room in front of him. It's not like he won't see semi unclothed in the pool.

I laugh and tell him that i am going to change in the bathroom and when I come down he is already in his swimming trunks. The pool is not as deep as I thought it was going to be and i am able to stand in it with my head above water. We are in there for about 45 minutes. There are no lights on the deck so we are guided simply by our voices, the moon and the small flashlight he brought with him. I splash him with water a few times and he picks me up by the waist to lift me up and then throw me in the pool.

He talks about his fears of joining the Navy. I talk about wanting a new job and a new life and something new. He is cute in the water. He has very thick short hair so even when it is wet it doesn't lay flat. He keeps playing with it and telling me he needs a haircut. And I feel happy man. Even when he brings his stupid girlfriend up. I am happy because it is not his girlfriend in the pool with him.

My bathing suit consists of tiny board shorts and a black cap sleeved top. In the water it drifts up to my waist and then clings to me so that my flesh is showing. Sean places his hand on the stomach and asks if the softness he feels is my stomach or the shirt. I say it's my skin. He keeps his hands there for a moment and then pulls away. A few minutes later we decide to get out of the pool. On the way up the stairs he asks if I want to take a shower to rinse the chlorine off. I say yes and then he asks, nonchalantly, if he can take the shower with me.

I laugh until i realize he is serious so i say "you don't think it's a little weird". He seems annoyed and says "it's just a shower and if we were roommates we would shower together sometimes". I say "no, no we wouldn't" but nonetheless I find myself upstairs with him preparing to shower. I tell him he can come in with me but that I will remain fully clothed. He says okay. He turns the water on and I begin rinsing off.

Behind me he asks if the water is too hot. I say no. Then he asks if I really am going to keep my clothes on. I laugh and tell him that I am. He says he is going to take his shorts off because it's a shower after all. I turn around with apprehension but am not about to stop the boy because i like him and I've been curious about his nakedness and i trust that he won't do anything. He asks if i am going to look. I say that i won't. He says bullshit, that he wants me to look, just so i can let him know if he is as big as Michael Fassbender (my celebrity crush who's big dick i saw in Shame). We are almost chest to chest as he begins pulling down his shorts asking me to just look. I lock my eyes on his and tell him that I have a heart of steel and that I am not going to look just because he wants me to.

So he yanks down his shorts and for the love of god it took all of my strength not to glance down. But i didn't because he isn't mine to have like this. He isn't mine so why give him the satisfaction when its something i rarely get. When he realizes i am not going to look he starts to pull his shorts up and then is all "i can't believe  you didn't look" and I feel guilty because I don't want him to think that I am not interested. I don't want to wake up in the morning and regret that I was in the shower with my crush and i did nothing.So as he starts to leave the shower, i grab his arm and tell him to pull down his shorts again. This time I'll look only because he's being such a pain about it. He asks if i am serious. I say yes. I'll look but nothing more. So he pulls down his shorts again and it takes me a good minute or two before i am able to glance.

Because this is the first time i have seen a penis up close and personal i gasp and let out a nervous laugh when i glance down at his semi-erect junk. I look back at him and then back down at his junk and I nod and tell him it is pretty big (because of course the boy couldn't have a small penis. Of course, he had to up and have a, yep). I turn my back to him quickly and ask if he is happy. He says yes and thanks for the compliment. Then he wants to know if I am going to let him stand in the shower naked while my clothes remain on. I tell him that I told him i was keeping my clothes on and he starts saying things like "it's not like i haven't seen them before. We would do this if we were roommates. It's just nakedness". And once again, i relent because I don't want to regret and because in all  honesty, I want to be naked in front of him. I want him to see me. I want to be seen by him.

I agree to only take off my top but the bottom will remain on. I take my shirt off quickly and throw it at my feet. For a few seconds we simply take in the sight of one another. I tell him I'm done showering and that I want to get out. He says okay but asks that I wait for him to get out before going downstairs. So i sit on the toilet while he washes up. He says he wishes he could take a bath because he hasn't taken one in a while and I exclaim that i haven't either. And because we have now seen each other naked, we might as well....

So i jump back in the shower. He is already sitting down and sit behind him so as not to have my back against his...junk. The water fills the tub quickly and I draw my knees up to my chest because i feel a little uncomfortable. He asks if he can rest his back between my legs during the bath and i tell him sure (because my shorts are still on) because my legs can accommodate. So he leans back into me. My legs wrapping around his waist as his chest rest of breasts. He pulls my legs over his so that my feet are sort of on his thighs, my arms draped over his shoulder. I start running my hands along his chest as we talk about any and everything under the sun. At one point, I accidentally find my foot on his penis but I don't move it. I just keep it there, occasionally adjusting it from time to time.

And all the while I have a sense that this is not normal. I know that it isn't. For all his shit about us being good friends I know that I would never be in the shower with anyone but him. And outside of his hand on my inner thigh and my fingers running up and down his chest we aren't having sex. In fact, I ask him this beforehand if this is normal and he says it is because it's not like we are going to have sex. And because he would only do this with his gf, people he wants to see naked and me. I say 'ouch, thanks. I'm glad to know i am in my own category." and he says "you know what i mean. It's just body parts. It's just boobs and dick" and while i am no where near content with that answer or view on the situation, I let my apprehension go because it's Sean.

We are in the bath for what seems like an hour. There is talking and laughing and feelings of content. Then his house phone rings and it's his gf. It's as if his parents have just walked in the house because he jumps out of the shower and is frantically looking for the phone. He comes back into the bathroom waiting for it to ring again because he says his gf probably just wants to say goodnight. When it does ring he laughs and says he should take it off speaker phone so that she doesn't hear me. I roll my eyes and as they are talking about god knows who i grab a towel and head downstairs to the backyard because i forgot my glasses. A few minutes later he is on the patio calling my name. I don't answer because I want him to think I have disappeared. I want him to think I have gone away but then the light from his flashlight catches me and he asks why I came outside for.

I tell him i forgot my glasses and that I wanted some fresh air as well. He says 'okay and then asks me to come inside so we can watch movies downstairs on his couch. Clothed now in pj's, I am a little more relaxed despite the shower/bath penis show. We find ourselves leaning into each other on the couch until he asks if i would like to lay on him. He puts a pillow over his crotch and says 'see it's safe' and because I've always wanted to, I crawl on top of him and lay my chest on his head. I place my ears right near his heart so i can hear it thump. I place my hands under  his ribcage and snuggle into him until i think we are one. I want to stay there forever. I want to regret nothing. So even though I feel it's wrong, i remain silent.

We end up falling asleep after Rumble in the Bronx (literally the movie we watched that night). I go upstairs to sleep in his parents room while he remains on the couch. I cry myself to sleep and then have dreams about Sean's gf and about being second runner up. When i wake up I tell myself that i am going to have to get to the bottom of my relationship with this boy because it's not normal. When i go downstairs he says he couldn't get much sleep either. I don't have to be at work until 1pm, so we eat breakfast, watch some videos on youtube and then play with his pets (one of them named Roy who has to remain in the basement because of behavioral problems). He asks if i really have to go to work because I could stay over and we could go to the movies and make another day of this. But because it's 12:30 when he says this and it's not enough time to call out I tell him i can't and that we should get ready to go.

On the drive to my job i ask him if he regrets last night. He says why. I say because we were naked and in the tub together and stuff. And he says no because it's completely normal. I say but we aren't completely normal. And he doesn't say anything. He drops me off at work and wishes me a good day and then I spend the rest of it feeling like a boundary between us had been crossed. A part of me feels bad because i wanted to do so much to that boy in the shower but restrained myself because I don't want to be considered a 'homewrecker' and then another part of me feels guilty because we did things that would be normal if we were together, not just two friends with different body parts.

I am also worried that he will go and talk about what happened this weekend to our friends. After the valentine's day debacle, where nothing happened, I can only imagine the shit he would say to our friends. And despite his calm about naked time and penis/boob time, i've never been that naked in front of anyone. I've never done anything with anyone and i didn't want it talked about as if he was just a normal day at Seans house. Because of this I agree that on Tuesday I have to confront Sean about it and us and my feelings instead of playing house with a boy who seems confused by our intimacy.

It did not go well.

Part 2 soon.

Maybe it's Time to Move On.

Le Sad Store has been pissing me off the last couple of weeks. So much so that i have actually considered putting in my two weeks notice. The book store environment is nothing like it was when I first start working there almost 5 years ago and to put in bluntly... i fucking hate going to work. I fucking hate it.

I've been pretty unhappy for awhile now. After the holidays all of our hours were slashed. I was okay with this only because the University job helps a lot, It covers rent and all my other expensive while Le Sad Store has just been helping with the small stuff, so while working less at the bookstore sucked I was not hard up for money.

Then March came and we started losing a bunch of managers, not even employees which is normal, but managers who just up and decided the bookstore wasn't for them. Working in retail is a revolving door of people who need/want a job. Though there are quite a lot of us who have been there longer than a year, it's actually pretty rare for someone to stay in retail that long. I've literally seen someone quit on their first day. I've seen explosive and dramatic quits after a week. I've even seen one cafe server throw a fit by removing his apron violently and then running out of the store.

We haven't seen him since. So people quitting is not rare. It's actually the norm.

What isn't normal is when management ups and leaves, like ours have been the last year. We've gone through so managers that its hard to keep up with them. And with each new managers comes a new shift in how the store is run. In a nutshell, it's driving us all crazy. Crazy. Especially since our staff is so small anyway.

 Our current management team, run by our bipolar store manager, has started implementing new 'policies' that aren't beneficial to any of us. They want us all to be crossed trained in different areas of the store, which is a good idea, but how we are trained varies based on the managers. So if one manager says we are supposed to shelve books on tables one way another manager will show us a totally different way to do it and then give us shit for having done it the way previous manager taught us.

Also, while our hours are better these day the way they are distributed is just ridiculous. On a busy Saturday afternoon, we'll have 3 people scheduled to work the registers and 1 person to work customer service. Anyone who has ever gone into a bookstore knows how annoying it is to want help finding something but the person at customer service has a line and the phone is ringing and the people at the cash register are not supposed to leave even, like in our case, when there is no one waiting to be rung up.

At the end of the night, because one person was at customer service, resort ends up being a bitch and we end up leaving late because the store is trashed.

My biggest complaint is that the managers now want little to no talking on the floor. Conversations, they say, between co-workers is distracting to the store and to customers and will result in disciplinary actions. Disciplinary actions? What the fuck.

Just the other day I was given a 'verbal cousenling' because I talk to Sean too much.This was due to that Saturday (before he left) when Sean accidentally ignored me the whole night and i got upset. While we were closing (sans customerss because doors were locked) Sean apologized profusely for making me cry. Preacher Boy was closing and saw us and asked us to get back to work. We did. Then Sean came back and asked if i would let him drive me home (when I'm mad at him, I walk home, so he feels bad. Oh the games i play with this stupid cute boy) and Preacher Boy once again told us to get back to work.

Now, I would not have cared if Preacher Boy would have given us a verbal counseling for talking and distracting one another that night. But nooooo, this motherfucker waited until Friday (six days after the incident) to talk to me and worse while Sean was away on vacation. During the verbal counseling, I was the most defiant i have ever been because the Preacher boy of all the people should not have been lecturing me on my relationship with Sean. "Preacher Boy", Kat's crush who has more than done his share of inappropriate talking on the floor was the last person I wanted a verbal counseling from. And because of this I couldn't hold back my anger: one because Sean hadn't been there the whole week and two because Preacher Boy kept saying things like:

"i don't care what your relationship with him is outside of work, though i have noticed that there is one, but, it's not my business, i just want you to know that I am aware, and there are cameras that see everything, that it has been a distraction at work and may become an issue down the line"

So now anything deemed as excessive (talking or interacting) with Sean will be handled with as if it is a national security issue. And I felt so fucking horrible because Sean's first day back to work was yesterday and within the first half hour he was called into the office by Preacher Boy and the store manager to discuss his interactions with me. So the first thing he says to me is 'hey, so we are a distraction to one another". And we spent the rest of the night working around each other, passing notes but being unable to openly talk.

But he brought me back all these small things from Delaware that he had to wait until we were off the clock to give me: a sea shell, some weird beer that i wanted to try, and earrings. Earrings! I don't generally like earrings but during our day together we stopped at H&M and I saw this dress that had a skull and crossbow image on it. I couldn't stop talking about this dress and the stupid skull and crossbows image. So this motherfucking bought me a skull and crossbow set of earrings. They are small and gorgeous and I almost cried. This is the boy they want me to stop talking to. The only reason I come to work, this is the boy they want me to stay away from.

I am at my wits end with Le Sad Store. Not only do i get paid little to no money though I work more than 25 hours there a week but the only thing that makes me happy (seeing my friends. seeing Sean) feels like a crime at the store. I really need to get a new job. I really need to stop being afraid of moving on especially when what I could gain could be better than this.

Parting Words.

'Being' with Sean is difficult on many levels. For one 'being' with him is a loose term. I'm not his girlfriend but I am definitely not his friend. I am a girl who he 'sees' regularly. A girl he likes to hang out with. A girl he wants to take to Delaware or the Navy or i don't know the moon even. And because of the position I am in with this boy I have fallen in love with that idea of him and of course my idea of him is often grandiose and unrealistic.

But this isn't good when the boy is a self proclaimed asshole and douche. He tells me every other day that I should expect little from him because he is going to disappoint me. Just a few nights ago he told me is he like sandpaper to skin and while there are some days i think this is an exaggeration, there are other days when i can't help but agree.

After my moms short visit (a post to follow of course) I got really ill. Me and Kat have this running joke that my body can't tolerate too much socializing because early on in our friendship I would fall ill after hanging out with her. And not psychosomatic sick either. I'm talking flu-like symptoms: chills, body aches, sore throat a migraine. The works.

And this was not only with Kat. I tend to get very sick after any and all social gatherings. It's bizarre and weird especially now as I am getting use to being social. After my dizzy spells last summer I was referred to a general practitioner who determined that my white blood cell count is very low (along with the fact that I'm anemic). My body doesn't fight off infections well, if at all.

So needless to say during my moms visit last week I started to feel sick. I spent four days with her and my aunt and my cousins and Sean and Kat respectively. I also still worked at both Le Sad Store and the university while she was in town.

My mom returned to South Carolina last Thursday and I spent the rest of my day with Sean (killing time before he had to work). We saw Man of Steel and then snuck into see World War Z. We headed back to his house where we hung out on the patio with his parents and pets. And then we grabbed food before he had to go to work. It was fun. Not at all like the disaster that was Valentine's Day and for once I felt like he was all mine. Even if for the day.

Of course, as soon as I get home I was overcome with a sore throat and stomach pains. I thought it was food poisoning. Then i got the shakes and chills and felt on the verge of dying. Sort of. I took whatever crap medicine I had lying around passed out around midnight. When I woke up Friday I felt worse than when I'd gone to bed and for the last couple of days I have been battling whatever weird infection has sprung up out of nowhere.

Being sick is never fun when you have to take care of yourself. So, I've been cranky and achy and i have no energy to do anything except lie very still. This has not made me a fun person to be around, i am not going to lie.

For the last two weeks I've known that Sean was heading back to Delaware for a week-long vacation (again). And in my mind I wanted the days leading up to his vacation to be awesome so that he would miss the shit out of me and bring me back something as thoughtful as the sand. Thursday was flipping amazing! Friday i called out sick from work so I had Saturday and Sunday to be with him until he left. But the Sean I know when it's just him and I, and the Sean I know when he is around other people are vastly different. They could be born from different species and he did not make it easy for me this weekend.

The boy i like called every day my mom was in town to ask how we were. The boy i like bought me a dvd to watch while he is away on vacation. The boy i like carried me to the car when i thought my legs were going to give out on me. He also subsequently went back to retrieve the shoe I dropped in the street. The boy I like, when it is just me and him has thoughtful eyes and a good laugh and is attentive.

But that boy in the same breath can become an asshole. Almost unrecognizable. He can be dismissive and rude and quick to blame. As tight as I feel my grip on him is, around others, he can so quickly slip into this person I hate. This person who is not use to having someone depend on him when it counts. And this weekend that boy was in full force.

On Saturday we were eating lunch in the break room and he said something that was stupid (per usual). I jokingly said I was mad at him, laughed and went back to work. The rest of the night Sean not only avoided me but seemed angry when I was around.  He talked to everyone else in the store except me. And would leave a room, go down another aisle and avoid eye contact when i was near. Towards the end of close I tearfully asked him what the fuck his problem was especially since I wasn't feeling well and wanted to spend time with him. He looked confused and said he thought i was mad at him (because of the break room thing) and so he purposely spent the rest of the night being a dick to me to teach me a lesson.

?????

I cried and told him that was the stupidest thing for anyone, yet alone him, to do especially since I wasn't mad at him and I wasn't feeling well and I wanted the one person I like being around to acknowledge me. He apologized, said he was in the wrong and then carried my sick ass to the car later that night.

I woke up Sunday hoping the day would go better than the previous one. I mean he's going away for a week, we won't get to hang out, i don't expect too many phone calls while he's away, so I wanted our last day 'together' to go well. I bought a window fan for my room earlier in the day because Sean promised he would install it when we both got out of work at 8pm. He said he would buy me the dvd i wanted so we could watch it together after work. Fine. Sounds great.

 Of course the whole day at work the boy avoids me like I'm the plague. I see glimpses of him but our interaction is very limited. Which i don't mind because lately we've been getting in trouble because of how much we hang out while we are on the clock. But in the back of my mind I'm like 'its our last day together before you go away for a week! a whole week! interact with me'. Instead i don't see him for like 5 hours and then when he does find me I am in the middle of helping a customer when he wants me to look at the bag he is holding.

In the bag was the dvd I wanted (that he purchased) so i could watch it while he's away. I starred at the gift with dull eyes and sort of shrugged my shoulders. At this point i hadn't seen him for most of my shift, I had had no interaction with him and I just wasn't in the mood to be bother. It was like sex without foreplay (i guess).There was no warming up, no playfulness, no anticipation. It was just this surprise in my face that he wanted me to scream in delight over. Instead, I grabbed the bag, said thanks and then went back to helping my customer. I felt kind of bad for being dismissive of the gift and he seemed taken aback by my lack of enthusiasm but i couldn't help how i felt.

Towards the end of our shift I tried to pull myself together. Though our day at work had been -meh i realized we still had the fan to install and the movie to watch. At 8 I met Sean in the breakroom and ask him if he is ready to go. He says that he is but that he agreed to drive our friend home (who doesn't live too far from me)  as well. I ask him if that meant we will still get to install the fan ('of course, I'm dropping him off first). On the car ride home Sean makes the turn to drive our mutual friends apartment when said friend (who may be a cock-block based on previous outings with him) says 'no we'll drop Beckett off first it's easier'.

I expect Sean to say "i can't because i have to install her fan" but no instead he says "alright' and starts driving me home. Not only does he start driving me home but he asks said friend if he wants to help install the fan in my room! (as if my landlady won't mind me bringing two strange boys into my room in the middle of the night). I immediately start protesting. I tell said friend that i don't feel comfortable having multiple people in my house, especially two dudes while my landlady and her daughter are home. I tell Sean that it's hard enough sneaking him into my house and that i don't like this sudden change of plans. Then i sulk in the backseat because with 'said' friend in the car we won't get to hang out, Sean will literally have to put the fan in the window and drive this cockblock home.

Sean parks his car in my drive way and I don't even say a word to him as we head into my house. He asks why I choose today of all days to act crazy and I tell him 'I didn't want to but I'm not feeling well, you're leaving for a week and you up and invited 'said' friend in my house. i have every right to feel a little pissed.". What i meant was 'I wanted to hang out with you before you went away. I could install the fan myself, I've done it before. I just wanted you alone for a minute so I could give you a proper goodbye that would make you think of me while you were away. I wanted to spend time with you. and you alone"

But i didn't say that. Because with this boy I can't say what i really want to say. My words like his actions gets lost in the blurry lines of what i am to him, what he is to me and if whatever we are doing is worth it.

He silently installed the fan as sat on the bed like an ungrateful child. He looked sort of defeated and forlorn and then begged me to stop: being sad. being angry. being upset. I told him I couldn't because it's what my head does when it's disappointed by expectations. It shuts down. It gives in. It reaches a point that only i can pull myself out of. He asked me again to stop: being angry. being upset. being disappointed. That he was sorry for whatever it was he did that made me upset but that he didn't want to go on vacation with me being mad at him.

And then he places his hands under my shirt. near my hip bone and pulls me in for a hug. Because I'm dumb ticklish i laugh and then curse into his chest because I'm supposed to be mad not overcome by the desire to be touched. I want to be mad. I need to be mad at him for every little stupid thing he does because I can't have him like I want him. And I know his is using me. I know that he is confused or worse using me but I like him and I like being around him and i like the moments when we are alone.

I apologize for being weird. I tell him I'll miss him. That i don't really like when he goes away. He says it's okay and that he'll bring me back seashells from Delaware to go with the sand. He tells me that i think too much and he wishes I'd stop getting trapped in my head. I'm content with my head on his chest. And he sighs into my hair. And I want to tell him there and then that i like him and want to be liked by him. I want to tell him there and then that he means a lot.

But I don't. But i know that I will have to. Soon.

The Visit

Instead of going home for vacation this summer, as I have done in the past, my mom is coming up tomorrow to visit me in New York for five days.

I am freaking out a tad bit.

My mom hasn't been here since she dropped me off five years ago. I can't believe it's been five years. Since I graduated college. Since I moved to New York. Since everything and it's weird looking around at my life and seeing what I've created of it.

I guess that's what makes me so nervous about her visit. While I am over the moon excited that she will be in town for a few days I am anxious about having her in the place I've created here. I mean when I go home, i get the comfort of the life my mom and brother and nephew maintain there. I get comfy beds and warm hugs and cooked meals every night. I get southern warmth and day time television. I get afternoon trips to walmart or the record store. I get the life they have there which I am learning is not the life I have now.

My life here in New York involves Sean, the bookstore and my university job, Kat and boy drama, weekends in the city, $7 Tuesdays at the movie theater, frequent trips to Target and occasional drinks at my favorite bar. It is humid nights and video games, netflix marathons and gossip. It's not perfect but it's mine and it's going to be weird having her in the mix for a few days.

I asked Sean a few months ago if he could pick (and drop off) my mom up from the airport and after promising I would pay for gas and food...he agreed. Now that the big day is literally less then 24 hours away I am freaking about this as well. While I am going with him to pick my mom up it is nonetheless going to be weird having my mom meet the boy i have a crush on. Plus she knows almost everything between the boy and I which makes me fearful of conversation slip ups during the trip.

He seems excited to meet her though.  He keeps rehearsing what he is going to say when he meets her. I keep telling him my mom is very chill and non-threatening, but he wants to put his best self out there. It's sort of nice in a 'yea, cause we are totally not just friends" kind of way. To be honest Sean isn't the only one who seems interested in meeting my mom. Actually everyone seems excited to meet my mom for some reason. It's sort of bizarre.

I on the other hand am more nervous and anxious. Very anxious.

Gifts from Delaware

The Boy just got back from two weeks in Delaware where his family owns a vacation house.

Before he left I asked him to bring me something back because I've never been to Delaware. Hell I kind of forget it's a state to be honest. At first he seemed a little put off by my request. He is not a gift-giver and assumed I wanted something worth a lot of money.

 I quickly reminded him that i prefer gifts that are considerate. It didn't even have to cost money. I just wanted him to bring something back from a state he loves. I wanted him to also think of me while he was away and having to look out for a gift to bring out would mean I was in his thoughts.

Yesterday was his first day back to work and despite the ups and downs I continue to have with this boy, i must admit I was happy to see him. He was tanner and he got a new haircut but mainly I was happy at the sound of the way he said my name when he saw me.

I was even happier when he opened his locker and pulled out a gift for me.

In a medium sized plastic dole peaches jar the boy brought me sand. His family's vacation home is located on  the biggest (or only, I wasn't paying attention to specific) beaches in Delaware. He spent the majority of his vacation walking along the boardwalk and laying in the sun. He remembered I got sea shells a few months ago for my birthday....

...he thought that they could finally have a spot to rest in the best sand on earth.

In the words of my someone listening nearby to this exchange: "that's kind of romantic for someone who's just your co-worker"

You're telling me. Le sigh.

The 9 to 5 Life.

So Heather, the friend i work with at the university, recently underwent gallbladder surgery. If I was a decent friend and good listener I would be able to recite why she has to have said gallbladder removed. But at the sound of surgery and -bladders my mind sort of checked out and I felt a little queasy so I didn't really get the full story from her.

As a part time employee of the University Heather and I don't receive any benefits. No health insurance. No paid time off. We don't even get sick pay. And when I did my taxes this year i also found out that the University does not take them out of my pay, so i ended up owing a huge chunk to the government. While i love my job here, I must admit the drawbacks are starting to suck. Luckily, I'll have health care insurance at Le Sad store until 2014.

Heather unfortunately losses the Health insurance she was on (her moms or her dads, I'm really shit when it comes to paying attention to technical stuff) in June and has been freaking out about it for months. In March she baked her cousin and I a batch of cupcakes for our birthday. The next day she was hospitalized with what she thought was food possessing because she'd eaten so many of them. Turns out it wasn't food poisoning. Her gallbladder was causing all her weird stomach issues and when she went to the doctor she was told to either remove it or keep it in and because she doesn't know how severe the stomach pains would continue to be because of her gallbladder (and because she will only have health insurance until June) she decided surgery was the best option.

She has been out of work since May 14th and because I usually close at Le Sad store I was offered her shift along with mine until she returns. And boy has it been weird. The 9 to 5 life is exhausting. Work at the University is generally pretty slow but it has reached a dead stall now that the semester is over and Summer Session 1 does not start until next week. For 8 hours a day I literally am in my own office doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. The first couple of days I tried to kill the time by organizing and straightening up but I may have seriously moved and then re-placed the same stack of papers 20 times before I gave up trying to be productive.

I then decided that I could start and finish a book with all the free time on my hands in between the few printing jobs i have gotten (cause that's what i get paid the big bucks for...printing copies of legal stuff). But that didn't work out. Lately I have been unable to attach myself to a story or it's characters. I get into a book, really dig where it's going, put it down to ponder my own existence, never pick the book up again. Or in some cases, i don't want the book to end. It's so good and compelling that finishing it would leave me empty and hollow so it because a half read item on my sloppy bookshelf.

So instead I have succumb to watching youtube videos and Hulu. I've been abusing Tumblr by reblogging endless photos of cats and hot British guys. I've resorted to writing paragraph long fan fictions involving me usually engaged in some sort of sexual rendezvous with a character from a television show (currently it's Dean Winchester from Supernatural. He's  a hunter of the supernatural (hence the title of the show and my fan fiction) on a search and destroy mission of a deadly key that could open the gates of hell. He seeks help from an unlikely allie, Beckett...Amelia...Hughes, a tough and damaged girl who has her own motives for finding and destroying this key. Yadda, yadda, yadda, they have a lot of sex).

Yep, I am using my free time productively. Friday I worked from 9 to 5 at the university and then closed at Le Sad store only to do another close on Saturday and an open on Sunday. It was brutal. To top it off my friend Angie (who use to live here but moved to D.C about 3 years ago) was in town and wanted to visit. So after work Sunday we went to grab food at the local steakhouse and then camped out in my house watching episodes of the original Star Trek. I have had a very very busy, if not productive couple of days.  I must admit I am feeling a little run down by the routine and I am not sure how I am still standing.

Heather returns to work tomorrow (thank god) and today is the last of my 9 to 5 life (for now). I am looking forward to sleeping into tomorrow and I am also looking forward to my day off this Friday. I sort of need a mental health day. I am feeling sluggish and blue and disconnected because I feel a little overworked, even when i'm not doing anything.

Just A Normal Wednesday

Guess who sucker punched her bedroom window this morning in an attempt to kill a bug.

Yep, this girl.

There is glass everywhere.

FML.

Go Ahead and Make a Girl Feel Special Why Dontcha!

This weekend was complete and utter shit thanks to the boy.

Every time I get into an argument with this boy, I am forced to re-evaluate what it is I think he has to offer because it is 'that' that I cling to. Not the actuality of him. The actuality of him can be shit sometimes.

There is a sensitive subject between the boy and I that I do not like talking about and surprisingly it is not his girlfriend. When Sean started working at Le Sad Store there was this girl (age 14) who use to come in the store and aisle stalk him. He use to make fun of her and her creepiness because she was there every weekend, during his shift, where she would sit in the aisle and talk about how cute he was to her friends.

But as the years have passed the girl has reached puberty, grown breasts, acquired my legs don't touch skinniness and is now legal....and Sean has developed a crush on her. I wish I was fucking kidding. When she got a boyfriend a few years ago Sean turned his attention from mocking her to mocking her boyfriend: Ugh, do you see the shit kid she is dating? No wonder she follows me around I am so much better?  When Sean and his girlfriend damn near broke up in December he confessed to me that he wanted to pursue something with Toothpick (that's her name i have given her. Toothpick). By then, he'd acquired her name and talked to her when she dropped by the store.

He actually said this to me. That he wanted to keep his options open and Toothpick would be 'next in line' should things not work out with his girl.

I could not hide my jealousy and anger over the situation. I just couldn't. I felt like the girl who'd put in all the work on a project and this other chick (who's a kid for christ sakes!) was getting all the attention and credit for it. Because Sean was awful during December. He was moody and distant and mean and i dealt with it. I listened to him moan and bitch about his girlfriend. I was there when he cried and I had to console him. I was there. Faithful and true and there he was telling me, what i thought was our window of opportunity, that he was thinking about being with someone else, worst of all, someone underage.

While I've defended a lot of Sean's shit action in the past, I told him that this was a black and white situation. I could not hear him go on an on about this girl who once thought was a stalker. I would not support him and his pursuit of her. I would walk away from him and the situation should it ever come to pass. He couldn't understand why I was so upset but said he would stop talking about her with me because it made me uncomfortable. Before I could let the conversation go though i couldn't help but ask what he found so interesting about Toothpick and he said: "i don't know. She's not like the other teenagers who come into the store. She's nice and unique. And her face is so pretty. She's so fucking pretty".

Le sigh. Not like the other 'teenagers'. teen-ager. teen.

And the last couple of months the boy has stuck to his words. He didn't even utter Toothpicks name once. But this isn't because he is a mature adult who let his small obsession go after realizing how gross it was. No it was because Toothpick was no longer showing up to the store. At the end of December Sean said Toothpick was acting weird around him and then Bam she was gone. We later found out that she abruptly stopped showing up at the store because girl has some sort of behavioral issues (related to toothpickness)  and was sent away to an institution. I shit you not.  He knows how to pick em'.

Last month Sean befriended her on Facebook after months of wondering what'd happen to her. She accepted said friendship and he has been picture stalking her ever since. He came in the day after the friend acceptance and told "Topher" that she is the prettiest girl he has ever seen and that he spent most of his night going through her pictures. He also found out that her 18th birthday was coming up which made her legal!.

 I found all of this out via Topher who too was quite grossed out by Sean and his behavior. I didn't approach Sean about this though because 1) I'm not his girlfriend (or apparently a consideration) and the last few months, outside of a few shit moments, have been great between us. But two weekends ago Toothpick was home for a visit and she stopped by the store. This motherfucker nearly knocked me over so he could run over to this girl. He told her that he missed seeing her around the store, that he missed her in general, that he hoped things were going well. I'm not sure what she said but the conversation was enough to kill my spirit.

Last week he found out it was her birthday and he came up to me and wanted me to guess who's special day it was. I asked if it was his moms? dads? sisters? maybe his nieces birthday. This motherfucker says "nope, it's Toothpick! she's officially 18 now". Remind  you, this boy not only forgot my birthday but said it was my fault for not bringing it up to him. He didn't buy me a gift. He never even wished me a belated one. So needless to say I was not happy to hear that not only was it her birthday and he remembered it but that he also wanted to buy her something.

I spent the whole night in a funk. He couldn't or refused to understand why.

Now, come this Friday. I am in a relatively good mood because despite the "topher and his annoying girlfriend drama", Sean and I had a really good time the night before. I met his parents. I got a new television. We saw Star Trek. It was a successful night for him and I. I get to work though and the first thing my manager tells me is that 3 people have called out. My first thought is that Sean is one of them because well, he's the one person I wanted to be there. Without him work would be boring and uneventful. I would feel alone and disconnected. I started to dread even starting my shift once the  possibility of him not being there was brought to my attention.

And for the first hour or so (because my other job lets out early and my shift at Le sad store starts late, i tend to spend a good 3 hours waiting for my shift to start)I didn't see him at all. While i didn't pace the store looking for him, I went to his favorite hiding spots and didn't see him anywhere. I quickly resigned myself to the fact that my partner is crime was MIA for the night.

Just when I convinced myself of this the boy comes into the break room as shocked to see me as i am to see him. I tell him i thought he called out. He tells me he thought i had the night off. It is a more awkward exchange then I expect because while I am happy to see him, he looks as if he wanted someone else to be on the other side of the door. I was a little too tired to explore the feeling of disconnect further so decide to drop the unease i felt and enjoy the fact that I won't be at work alone.

During the first hour of my shift I run into Sean as he is straightening up the aisle and he looks so...sad, i think. He looks like i thought'd i look when i thought he called out. He looked alone. Like when you're a kid and your best friend is home sick and you don't have anyone to hang out with the whole day. He looked like that. Except I couldn't understand why because I was there. I was right there. I ask him what's wrong because i can feel that something is up. He says "it's nothing. I'm just am dumb". I laugh and told him I could have told him that but seriously "what's up"

He says I don't want to know. I tell him I do want to. He warns me again that i really really don't want to know what he's thinking. So of course, being noisy, I say "oh come on, you have to tell me now". So he lets out a long sigh and says:

"well, it's just that I was hoping someone would stop by the store. And she hasn't. And i don't know why it makes me sad'.

To say that it felt like he had punched me in the stomach would be an understatement. Here i was happy that the boy i like hadn't called out and here he was wishing someone else was there. Someone else who until recently has been MIA.Someone else who is 18 years old. Someone who is not me. I felt completely and utterly crushed by the weight of his confession because there are moments when this boy makes me feel like I am nothing to him. That I am easily replaceable. But worst of all that I am not enough.

He immediately tried to say he was kidding I think because he saw how hurt I was by the many elements of his confession. But i knew that he wasn't. I knew that what he was saying was his honest truth. And in that moment It felt like he had summed up our relationship as well. Like he'd rejected the part of me I wanted most to mean to him. Because no matter what I do, or say, I will never be the one to make this boy happy. There is always going to be someone or thing better. It's bad enough that I can't compete with his girlfriend but now I don't even compete with a child.

And it's fucking humiliating that I want to matter so much to someone who can  so easily look through me. He does it every fucking day. I'm not someone he considers. I am accessible. And around. But i'm not wanted. And he takes advantage of this. He takes advantage of me. Because I wish you could have seen the look on his face and how desperately he wanted this girl to walk into the store. As if it would have made his whole world. And I don't think i've ever had that affect on him. I don't think i ever will.

The Great, The -Meh, The Ugly

it never ceases to amaze me the useless drama that people bring to a situation just because. While this is nowhere near Not A Date Gate, last night was a mix of downright awesome and fucking ridiculous.

When we all agreed that we wanted to see Star Trek we were sort of iffy on the plans preceding the actual movie. Our local theater was doing several showings yesterday so the only concrete plan we  had was that we'd catch the last showing at 10pm (to accommodate any one who was working that day).

"Topher", the big star trek nerdy fan who was the leader behind the outing, is sort of a spaz when it comes to organizing shit. He was so concerned about what we would all be wearing that he didn't really take into account that we would all be lingering around for at least 5 hours until the movie started. Michelle and I requested the day off weeks in advance. Topher, his annoying Girlfriend, Sean and another co-worker all got off work between 2pm and 5. And the last member of our crew, Rich, was going to come to the store around 5.

I hate being at work when I am not scheduled to work. It's dumb and it's tacky and it makes me look like i do not have a life outside of the store. Topher is there all the time. He has actually requested days off and then sat in the break room for four hours doing nothing. For the past week I've been asking him about what we should do before the movie. I wanted to hit up my favorite bar and grill around 6, eat, drink and hang out with them there until 9 where we would then all head to the theater in preparation for the movie.

Topher did not want to do this. He wanted us all to meet him and his annoying Girlfriend at the store at 4, where we would watch the first Star Trek movie in the break room. Then we would grab food from this crap shit burger place nearby, bring the food back to the break room and hang out there taking dumb pictures of all of us in our costume until the movie started. I immediately told him i was not down for this plan. I was not going to sit in the break room, on my day off, for five hours.

The fact that some of us took off, requested to open or were simply not working that day suggested to me that we shouldn't then hang out at work until our movie started. I told Sean I wasn't going to just hang around the store until 10pm. I'd go to the mall. Go home. See another movie before our movie started before sitting in the break room listening to Topher and his annoying girlfriend talk for five hours. I wasn't going to do it. And Sean agreed that Tophers plan was less then ideal.

A few weeks ago Sean offered to give me his old TV as he was getting a new one with the money he got back from his tax return. The boy is in my room a lot and while he thinks my space is very awesome...he hates my small TV. Every time he walks in my room he looks at my small, hunched back television with scorn. He won't even watch TV on it. We'll huddle around my wide screen laptop instead. So when he offered to give me his television I think it had more to do with him than me. We haven't had time to actually get and set up the TV from his house though so we both agreed that we'd do that before the movie instead of hanging out in the break room. And after we settled our business we'd meet everyone back when it was time to eat.

So yesterday, despite the nerves, I meet Sean at the store so we could go to his house and pick up the television. He wanted me to bring my Xbox as well because his PS3 did not work on the television and he was concerned my console wouldn't either. As I walk into the break room Topher's annoying Girlfriend is talking about herself as usual but before I too can get sucked into the void that is her voice, Sean comes into the breakroom and says we need to go.

The next three hours were completely awesome. The events are worthy of a completely different post! I had the boy all to myself for 3 hours and I can't lie that I like the attention. I met and embarrassed myself in front of his parents (i think I was still sort of adorable though) and i was even asked to stay for dinner. We all played fetch with his dog and made fun of Taylor Swift. It was nice and I didn't feel like an intruder. Finally, we got down to business and the boy revealed the TV he was giving to me. It's seriously like a brand new television. Flat screen. Really big. I'm not great at describing electronics. As long as something works i don't really care about how new it is. But boy oh boy is this thing beautiful. We tested my Xbox on it and when it worked we played a game I brought along to test out.

Time sort of got the best of us and around 6:30 Topher sends me a text asking where we are. I tell him we are still in the Bronx but that we'll be there in an hour. He says fine because they decided to head to a restaurant instead for food so we should start making our way back. I sigh and tell Sean we got to go. We lug the TV and my console into his car, I go back to say goodbye to his folks and then we head to my house to drop off everything and then head to the store.

Now at this point I am still under the impression that they are going to be at the restaurant for a while. I mean I've gone out drinking and eating and have stayed at said place for hours. I text Michelle, who also did not want to hang around the store for five hours, and tell her to meet up with Sean and I at the store. When we get there she is waiting in the music department. I tell her I just have to change into my costume and then we'll join everyone and get food.

But when we walk into the break room guess who is there...Topher, Annoying Girl, Rich and the other Guy. Just sitting there as if we hadn't made plans to grab dinner.  So I ask if they were waiting for us to get there before they head to the restaurant. Annoying Girlfriend rolls her eyes and Topher says "no, we went on ahead and ate without you guys".

Are. You. Fucking. Serious.

I turn to Sean with the most exasperated look ever. Sean shrugs his shoulder starts going through the fridge for stuff he can eat. Michelle is pissed. She tells Topher that that is fucked up because he just sent us the text an hour ago saying to meet him. How did they order, eat and leave in the 60 minutes it took us to get there? She then storms out the breakroom with everyone looking at me in shock and annoyance.

I tell Topher that Sean, Michelle and I will grab something really quick from the cafe but that they should have waited. I go into the hallway where Michelle is fuming and I tell her to follow me to the bathroom so we can talk while I change into my costume. In the bathroom me and Michelle complain about the fuckupedness of the situation. I say that without any concrete plans from Topher (or his annoying parrot of a girlfriend) I was not going to just hang around the store all day. They can't be mad at us for showing up when we did and they shouldn't have taken said frustrations out by having dinner without us.

During this exchange Annoying Girlfriend walks into the bathroom. I pick up on Michelle's sudden we'll talk about this later tone and I shut up cause I know AG is listening. When she leaves Michelle says that she probably heard what we said and is going back to tell Topher. I tell her I don't care because everyone already knew that I was not going to hang out in the store . Of course when we exit the bathroom and head back into the breakroom Annoying Girlfriend, Topher and Rich decide they need a smoke and walk out like a gang of assholes to talk shit about us.

When I asked why they got up and left Sean, looking visibly pissed, said I know what 'i did' and that he is not getting involved (as usual). I bout gave up on the whole night after this. I was beyond livid. I couldn't even hide my frustration because once again here I was making things worse when I hadn't even done anything.

When Topher, AG and Rich return I go up to Topher and ask him if there is a "problem" (oh, interesting fact these days I do not avoid confrontation. If I have an issue with any one or vice versa I am all about talking the shit out instead of letting it linger. I just don't have the time to be passive about arguments. If we are going to do it, I'd rather do it now and quick). He looks taken aback and says coyly "no, i don't know what you are talking about". I say "well, since we got here things have been very awkward and weird and cliquey. I told you beforehand I had plans. If it was a problem then you should have said something instead of waiting til we got here to give us the cold shoulder. I also don't need words being put in my mouth. If you have a problem you talk to me about it. It's a fucking movie. Let's just enjoy the fucking movie".

And then I stomped away. I'm not sure if my speech actually changed how we all felt about the situation but we pretended for the next four hours to enjoy each other company. But because of the exchange beforehand I couldn't really enjoy Space...the final frontier. I mean it was good and Benedict Cumberbatch was amazing but i was uber annoyed by Topher, AG and Rich. When we are around multiple people Sean sort of shuts down, brings up his girlfriend a lot and is not as attentive to me so I couldn't even enjoy sitting next to him. Michelle keep squealing every time Benedict Cumberbatch came on screen and the other guy with us....poor guy, I sort of forgot he was there.

After the movie Topher and AG make a Beeline for the exit and don't even wait for us. My head hurts from all the explosions and fast action shots from the movie and I've mentally checked out. When we finally catch up to the ashats Topher asks us....lord give me strength...to give us his costumes back. He actually wanted his costumes back  right then and there. We already knew they weren't ours to keep but he couldn't let us at least bring them back to him the next day.

 I was not wearing anything under my costume so i dared him, in front of his girl, to take it from me if he really wanted it. He didn't. I did have to give him back the earrings he let me borrow though and the boys ended up stripping in the lobby of the theater and handed over their shirts. It was the dumbest thing I have ever witnessed and/or been a part of.

 I hate how quickly things went from being awesome and amazing to complete and utter shit. I also hate how I ended up being responsible for a least some of the the awkwardness because I was being honest.

Ugh. Ugh. and more Ugh.

Into Darkness

I feel like I might puke from nerves.

Tonight we are all going to the midinight-ish showing of Star Trek. My friend, who is a huge star trek nerd, spent a crap load of money buying us these ridiculous costumes to wear because he thought it'd be fun if we made a whole event out of a movie we all want to see .

Sean and I are donning blue star trek uniforms. Sean and I are also hanging out before the movie starts. Then we are meeting up with said geeky friends for dinner right before the movie.

Why does this feel like Valentines Day all over again, except hopefully there won't be any tears or me threatening to break doors out of anger and embarrassment.

One day i wish to be a functioning human being who does not get severe anxiety over social gatherings. While i have been waiting and preparing for this day for months I am a ball full of awful nerves now that the movie is mere hours away.

What the hell I am I suppose to do with Sean for 4 hours (don't answer that). Am i actually expected to wear this star trek outfit the whole night. Why the hell did i decide to wear a mini skirt with it instead of leggings. Why am I sweating. I haven't even left work left to meet up with the boy so we can head back to his house.

Why am i going to his house. Why isn't there a manual of how to conduct oneself in public. I should not be allowed out of the house based on how poorly i behave in big groups. I get sullen and tired and I want to retreat home quickly.

But i hate that every time I am out with this boy he has to compensate for my anxiety. I want there to be at least one outing where I am not a hot mess of tears and regret.

I am not a religious girl but Dear God Lady Ma'am please let tonight go well. Please give me the strength to just have fun and enjoy an outing with my friends. Please don't let me barf on anyone. And please, please let Sean think I am uber pretty in this stupid over sized costume. If you could help an awkward girl out that would be great.

~Beckett

Good Grief

So a few months ago Sean decided he wanted to join the Air force and despite my selfish reservations (well, how will that include me) I could understand his desire to move on from life at the bookstore.

Cause if i can be brutally honest the book selling business isn't going well. I literally overheard my manager talking to someone on the phone about how poorly our store is doing and that drastic measures would have to be taken if we were going to stay in business. This is a terrifying thing to hear your store manager say. I mean even though I have a second job and another form of income the bookstore has been my life for the past four years and the thought of it closing scares the shit of out me.

I haven't really been looking for a full time position since I got this job at the law school. I'll admit I've been skating on the comfort zone of two part time jobs. But the reality is the eventually I'll have to make actual money. I want my own apartment and a car and a cat named Jack. I can't afford any of those things on the income I make.

And lately Sean has been on this same 'i need to be doing something with my life' boat. Except unlike like my approach (looking for a better job) the boy wants to join the Military though he has never had any interest in it. When I met him four years ago he wanted to be a fireman. Soon after he wanted to work for his dad's company. Then he wanted to be a Police Officer. When all of these did not work out for some reason or another he settled on joining the Air Force because when he was a kid he wanted to be a pilot and the Air Force could make that happen quickly.

I have not been entirely supportive of this plan because of a million and one reason and last week when he told me he had been disqualified as a candidate for the Air Force because of his medical history (kidney stones).... I was relieved. I'm not going to lie, I was relieved. It's hard enough having the relationship I have with him with his girlfriend still in the picture. I feel like I'm competing in a race I am never going to win because the course of the race keep changing or worse the finish line keeps moving and I lack any idea where i am headed.

And if it weren't for all these stupid mixed messages I would literally stop being so consumed by him. But I can't help but feel confused by this boy based on the last couple of months. I mean he asked me to move in with him. He is always making an excuse to spend time with me. I spent the night at his house. He is always at mine.. He is the most affectionate and distant boy. And it is hard having all the particles of this boy. It's almost unbearable having him as a part time boy with none of the benefits (none. of. the. benefits) and I really really really want to reap the benefits.

So the thought of him going away for 5 or 10 years to join the military is frightening because I don't have a hold on him now. He is just this guy within my reach who keeps pulling away while I continue to hang on to the idea of him and us. I thought once the Air Force thing didn't work out he would drop the whole military thing. I thought maybe he would decide to just apply to things locally. But today I stopped by the store to finalize plans with him on Thursday. We were planning on going to his house to watch a movie before meeting up with people from work. He tells me though we may not be able to head to his house because he is going in for his physical on Thursday to join the Navy.

When they fuck did he decide to join the Navy?

His recruiter called him just before I showed up and told him that he'd have to go to Brooklyn all day Thursday for this physical and that if he passes he will be accepted to the Navy and sent off to boot camp in October (or even as early as July). He assured me that he will still be able to attend the late night showing of Star Trek but that he will have to pick me up later than he expected.

I got the sense that he wanted me to be happy about this Navy thing. He keep looking for a reaction on my face that read excitement. Instead I couldn't hide my apprehension. I don't know why this boy can't tell how much I honestly care about him because he doesn't get it. He has absolutely no clue. And now here is he planning on going away for how ever many years to live on a boat. A boat.

This has suddenly depressed the shit out of me. I hate that when i'm with him I feel like I am trying to prove that I am good enough. Because if I were good enough  maybe he'd take a chance on me and leave his girlfriend just so we can try things out the right way. And i'm also not enough for him to stay and get a civilian job so he can be close to...me.

April Retrospect/ May Happenings

Sorry for my general lack of posting these days.

Its weird to think that there was a time when I could post once or twice a day and now I can barely even do one lame post a month.

I wish I could say it's because I've so busy and life is so exciting and I just have no time to write but that would be a lie. I have at least four hours a day to write or read or draw silly things while I am at my other job especially now that it is the end of the semester.

The truth is I've been suffering from a writers block lately. I have all these thoughts that want to go somewhere and become something but for some reason I cannot adequately get from thought a to b without this blank space invading it. I also am afraid of writing. I am afraid of documenting things down because it use to make me so happy and bring so much calm and I feel alien to that feeling these days.

I've been writing daily in my moleskin journals but even then my words come out like the incomplete rantings of a love-lorned, angsty, 20 something year old girl. These daily musings are pretty embarrassing, crazy and slightly depressing and I don't quite know how to expand these thoughts into longer more flushed out passages, hence the lack of writing.

It also doesn't help that Spring depresses the shit out of me. Now that winter has officially given way to spring the warm weather, sun and the scantily clothed girls walking about  has brought my mood down a bit.  I remember my mom telling me once that my aunt (her younger sister) suffers from Seasonal Depression and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of being sad because the sun isn't out.

But after living with my aunt for a year I could see the difference in her mood and personality based on the season. She thrives during warmer weather. She is chirpier and nicer and pleasant to be around when the sun was out. When I lived with her she had plans everyday for my cousin and i to go out and enjoy the sun.  Come winter however, my aunt would become the bitchiest of ice queens. She slept a lot. Complained about everything aching. And seemed the most irritated by my presence during Fall and Winter. It was during the end of fall that I was asked to leave her house and while I have never been happier, her moodiness during the last few weeks I lived with her was torturous.

But now that Spring is here and I am feeling more sullen and grumpy then usual, I am beginning to think that I too suffer from some form of this Seasonal Depression thing. I have little to no motivation to do anything now that the sun is out and the streets are alive with people. I'd prefer to stay inside all day, under the covers, and listen to whatever is playing on the television. I have even thought about replacing my lace window curtains with darker ones because I am unnerved by how bright my room is during the day.

I have always been like this partly because of my introversion and partly because of anxiety. While neither have been as extreme as they were in college, they are still things I suffer from. Every once in a while I will have a panic attack at work or in crowded places. I can get absolutely (and irrationally) overwhelmed buy the simplest of thoughts. And lately, I don't feel 'good enough' for any one person. I do not like a lot of people and for that reason I fear not living up to the expectations of the small few I do care about.  And now that summer is just around the corner and I have social gatherings and birthdays and my mom's impending trip to New York (Sean and I are picking her up. Sean is going to meet me mom. I am dying of nerves) I am consumed with the blues. The blues!

While i enjoy all the movement and activity of my current life For the most part I enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I still have very loner tendencies and am exhausted by people quickly. I am afraid that I won't be able to satisfy anyone. I am not sure how to be the me who is quiet and pensive amongst my crowd of very demanding friends. Kat is still dealing with her boy drama. Sean is still confused Sean. My bosses at Le Sad Store are driving me crazy. And there is so much chatter coming from every single person in my very small life that I feel consumed and lost in it all. It is literally wearing me thin. I am going to have to figure out how to balance it all.

The biggest issues as of late is the Kat drama (go figure). The other week she told me that she could no longer talk to Preacher Boy because her boyfriend found out about their late night chats. She was completely and utterly devastated that the possibility of them hooking up was over. She spent the whole week crying. She called out from work. And she told me she was going to disappear for a while because she couldn't deal with having to 'end' things with Preacher boy.

Yesterday we went to see the Great Gatsby. The theater is located around the corner from our store. I wanted to go to the earliest show possible because I wanted time to go home, take a nap before my closing shift. She didn't want to go to the showing at noon. I didn't question why and agreed to go to a later show.

She shows up at my house all dressed up and I am confused. Did i get the wrong memo? Are we not just going to the movies? Is there a dress code at the theater? Why is she wearing makeup. On the way there she tells me that the movie is 2 hours and 30 minutes long and that she wants to stop by the store afterwards. I don't question why because I also want to drop in to check my schedule for the night. When the movie is over she says she has to run to her car to put on makeup. I ask why, she turns to me and said  '...cause -youknowwho- starts his shift in a few minutes. I just want to run in, have him see me all dressed up and you, know, leave---"

My eyes almost rolled up in the back of my head out of sheer exasperation. She coordinated what time we'd see the movie in time to coincidentally run into Preacher boy. So we end up going to the store after she applies her face with makeup so that she could literally walk by him (neither one of them spoke), have him hear us talk about the movie and leave. It was embarrassing.

On the drive home I tell her that I don't want to be involved in any more of the Preacher Boy happenings. I just don't have the energy to juggle my boy happenings and mishaps and shake ups with the back and forth happenings of the never ending Preacher Boy saga especially because I like her boyfriend (he took us both out for crepes and then to the park to watch the sunset just because he wanted to know who his girlfriends best friend is. I mean come on!) and am not really on Preachers Boys team especially because he's married and now a manager at our store. She seemed taken a back by this. And then asked what my sudden change in attitude was all about.

I told her that I enjoy being her friend and hanging out with her but that I can't continue doing this truly immature and childish cat and mouse game with the boys we like. I can't keep enabling her and myself to dabble in relationships that aren't healthy. It just doesn't seem fair anymore. For either of us. I said all of this yesterday. I wish the honesty of my words relieved me more than terrified me. I just feel like I am growing up and I want more meaningful connections and in order to get them I am going to have to be more truthful with the people around me and to myself.

I am going to try and write more. I really want to be able to look back at this time in my life with a record of all the good and bad in my life. I miss when writing was this calming thing. It was a way for me to express in the real world. And now I have all this real world stuff happening and I can't seem to find the words to describe what it all feels and looks like. But I will do my best.

March Madness

March was hectic and lovely and emotionally charged, a little exhausting but above all rather lovely. These pictures are only a snippet of what's been occurring in my life but they pretty much sum up my happenings in a nutshell.

I spent my birthday in the city with Kat. We saw stomp and ate cupcakes and meet a pretty boy named John  and laughed the whole night.

The closer Kat and I get the more fearful I am that she has replaced Marie. I feel guilty and sad that Kat has become such a good friend because it constantly reminds me of the one that I lost. After my birthday we had a weird series of fights. Many of which involved my sudden absence. Eventually I apologized and told her I wouldn't disappear again and that she's my best friend. Because despite my loss Kat has been the greatest best friend a girl can have.

Now that I've covered that lets move on to boys. I've been spending a lot of time with Sean. A lot. After the whole not a date gate I struggled to move past how shitty i felt afterwards. He wouldn't admit that his approach to the situation was wrong and i told him that i didn't think we could be friends anymore.

We spent about a week not talking to one another. I was aloof and he was mean. When we finally had no choice but to work together one night everything came to a head. There was yelling and him doing his stupid "well then why are we still talking about this if you don't me around anymore any". Then there were tears and I told him i didn't like where we were heading because I liked him. And he said he loved me and was afraid of fucking things up more so then he had already.

And with that we made up and boy have the last 3 weeks have been amazing. not perfect but pretty effing amazing.

I am not going to say we are dating (because we are not for obvious reasons) but I will say that when he is around I feel happy. I feel stupid and dumb yet happy. He is over my house regularly watching movies or helping me beat video games and I think i adore him.

Just this weekend his parents were away and I was invited over to his house for a 'slumber' party. We were up until 4am watching shows and talking about everything. I have never loved and been so conflicted by a boy in my whole entire life. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I know that I cannot and will not wait around for him to make a move. But i also know that I can't imagine him not being around.

So he is around. A lot. And that is his dog pictured above. And his couch. And my warm legs under his blanket. And it's wrong. And i am going to get hurt. But i like him.

Winter is slowing melting away and Spring is here. When I am not hanging out with Kat or Sean I am snapping pictures of flowers and exploring my neighborhood. I am a little worried about the warmer weather because of my Dehydration spells, anemia and vertigo but I am so happy for the warmth and the wind and the rain that am making all the necessary precautions so that this year will not be like last.

I am eating better. and sleeping better. and consuming my vitamins. I want to either join a gym or take a class of some sort. Kat and I want to give archery a try even though my wrist is still giving me issues.

Last weekend Kat and I went to mother effing Cirque Du Soleil. It was the most gorgeous show I have ever seen. The theme was creation of mankind. There was a man dressed in a sequined outfit from head to toe. I think he was god. or mother/father earth. He descended from the ceiling of the big circus tent and introduced us to our very own creation. It was beautiful. There were leaping frogs and dancing Native Americans  There were monkeys and the image of water running down a stream. There were people on skates and some who flew through the air. And i cried because it was beautiful and i felt happy.

My life is good. I have my shit days still. I still am sad and blue and misty. But i am happy. And i'm sorry i don't write as much. Sometimes I have so much to write down that I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. But i am doing well. I am afloat. I am surrounding myself with people who are beginning to mean a whole lot to me.

I am experiencing things that are very new and terrifying but I am happy.

Birthday Girl

Here's to being 27!