The Runaway Groom

I am going home for a week in April thanks in part to a wedding that has been called off.

It's a pretty long story (that I'll try and keep short). The gist of it a few months ago my cousin informed us all via a Facebook post  that she recently met the man of her dreams (who she's only been dating 6 months) and they've decided to get married! Because you know, that's a logical thing for a middle aged woman with a teenage daughter to do.

This cousin is significantly older then me. She's actual my mom's cousin, which I guess would make her my 2nd cousin or great cousin...genealogy has never been my strong suit. We are definitely related though and as far as relatives go she is probably part of our very small inner circle of family members.

She used to babysit my brother and I often but because of the significant age gap, we never really got to know each other. But she's family so by proxy she's always been super nice and friendly. Of course a few yeas has passed since she last babysat us and now she is a single, mother with a  pre-teen daughter. They recently moved to Charleston, SC to be closer to family and honestly I don't see or talk to her much unless I am visiting family or if she comes up to New York to visit.

Needless to say, I was a little confused when I got a Facebook wedding invitation from her announcing her recent engagement and that the wedding was a couple of months away. According to my mom, she met some dude in the Army a few months ago and decided to get married as soon as possible (maybe to lock it down). My mom only knows this because my cousin has been overwhelming everyone in our immediate family about wedding plans. Not only that, but she set the wedding for an April of this year which would only leave a few months for people coming out of state to book the trip.

Despite the lack of romance in my life, I am not so hardened by the idea getting married one day. It's weird to think it and write and even say out loud, but I could see myself being someone's wife. I can see myself with a husband and couple of kids in a small house in a small town with a routine that makes me happy. There was a time when I was against the idea of marriage, because I was young and it's cool at that age to think the institution is ridiculous. And maybe it still is.

But what I understand now is that marriage only seemed ridiculous a few years ago because I assumed marriage was solely about love and I thought I would never fall in love. I still worry that I may not fall in love or I am unlovable to some grand extend. But I've come to realize that you can love someone and not marry them. You can be married and not love the person you are with. My hope is that if I do marry it's because my partner and I are able to build a marriage on love and sustainability, and that one does not outweigh the other but rather compliments it. That too me would be perfection.

Because this is my outlook on marriage, I must admit I was hella skeptical when my cousin proclaimed her undying love for her new fiance. Because surely a love purely on infatuation  cannot survive. I was also pretty annoyed that she was planning an extravagant wedding so quickly and bombarding us all with her wedding plans. My mom and I gave her the benefit of the doubt because love makes people crazy and this was her first and probably last shot at planning a wedding. The only super weird aspect of the whole thing was that no one has ever met her 'fiance'. I live too far away to ever have had the chance to meet him but my mom says until a few months ago he never existed and outside of some Facebook pictures, for all we knew he was a stranger catfishing my cousin.

A few days after sending out wedding invitations, I bought my plane ticket home for the April wedding. I assumed  I could use my vacation time to head home for a few days and then travel to Charleston with my brother and mom to attend the 'wedding of the decade". But literally after I got my plane ticket confirmation, my cousin's 'finance' announced on facebook that he was not marrying my cousin in April and that the wedding was called off indefinitely.

 I wish I was joking.

What followed was a mini war of words between my cousin and her now maybe 'ex-finance': her assuring everyone that the wedding was still going to take place while he adamantly said it wasn't. It was pretty embarrassing and as my grandma stated "my cousin sure is the talk of the town now!'. She sent everyone on Facebook an email about how it was just a simple misunderstanding (he was annoyed that she was spending all his money on the wedding while he was stationed in Hawaii) and that the wedding would take place sometime but just not in the near future.

That of course did not help me, as I  already notified my boss that I was heading home for vacation. And of course, I already purchased my plane ticket home. I am only partially upset with having to take my vacation so early and also for forking over $500. But I don't need too many excuses to go home and visit my family. My mom and I have decided to make a vacation out of the wasted week. I'll get to come home and spend some quality time with my nephew and mom. I also want to visit my alma mater and she wants to hit up some beaches in Charleston if the April weather permits.

As always I am looking forward to a break from my life. I tend to fear that I am not making the right decisions and heading home always gives me some clarity. Lately I am anxious that I have placed myself in a situation that will no doubt blow up in my face. After the big blow up with Kat, our relationship is super strained. Snow-gate 2016 seems to be a turning point in our already strained friendship and honestly I am not sure if we can work ourselves our of it.

 I went a few days without talking to her because I wanted to know if I could. In all honesty since I quit Le Sad Store, I have lost touch with a lot of people. The people I was close too all got new jobs and have embarked on a new routine that makes it hard to keep in touch. Because of this Kat, at times, feels like my only friend and it can be almost as lonely as actually being alone. I want to start meeting people and making plans for myself and figuring shit out. It is a huge risk that I am taking but I have to do it. I can't imagine the next five years consisting of Friday nights at my house watching Netflix with Kat. I would be so depressed if that were my life. I am sort of depressed now that it is my life.

So, I decided to give myself a break from Kat and  I am not going to lie it felt good reclaiming my identity. It also felt incredibly lonely but good to know that independent of our friendship, I am still an interesting, kick-ass, independent person. 

Of course Kat did not see it this way and she sent me a really passive aggressive text about how she feels like we are becoming strangers and acquaintances because she hadn't heard from me is 3 days. ????

 I am not sure I have ever had a friendship as co-dependent as this one. My mom tends to be the only person I feel the need to talk to every day. I have gone weeks, even months without talking to friends only to reach out randomly and be able to swing back into the friendship without a hitch. With Kat this is not so. She often says that our friendship is uneven and I am not sure I understand how she sees it that way. To me our friendship tends to only work if it is on her terms. She needs it to be this very co-dependent friendship where we text every day, and talk about boys and shrug off responsibilities  and individuality in lieu of us reading similar books and wearing similar clothes and having similar life paths. And if isn't exactly like this she becomes a nut case, which I only just notified.

 It is like being friends with a middle school-er and to be honest this juvenile relationship scares the shit out of and also bores me. Because I have stopped responding to how she wants me to all shit has let loose. She went from sending me panicky, needy texts to accusatory and jaded ones. We were supposed to head to the city this weekend to see a show and grab dinner for my birthday but now all of a sudden she is unsure about going because we are 'like strangers'.

I am tired. I am perplexed. Even more-so I am annoyed.

I am not sure what will happen after this hangout (if there is one) but regardless this begins a new chapter in my friendship with Kat and maybe I will be able to comprehend what the hell is going on once I am outside of the situation for a bit.

It's been such a long time since I actually gone to South Carolina for vacation that I am excited. Over the moon excited even if the reason for going is devastating for my cousin. For some reason I look forward to the sweltering heat and the southern accents and the beach. I look forward to being someone different, somewhere different that is also so distinctly home to me.

I told you I was Mean

My parents got divorced when I was three and the event never had a extreme impact on me growing up because the few memories I have of my parents marriage involve my father beating my mother regularly because among his many faults...being a terrible husband and an angry drunk is among them.

This isn't to say I don't love my dad because I do. My father is the most charismatic and charming individual you'd ever meet...until he drinks, and then he is rendered something not human...but primal and ruthless. The first memory I have is of my father striking my mother after an intense argument and seeing her body crumble from the weight of his fist against her face. She managed a few minutes later, dazed and scared, to drag my brother and I (2 years old and 4 respectively) into the bathroom, where we spent the next few minutes re-enacting the violent exchange as a game...because that's what kids do.

This perhaps is the only traumatic experience of my children that I can recall vividly. My dads anger, my moms strength hidden under a busted lip and disheveled clothes, my brother clutching her legs followed by us leaving in the middle of the night to go to my grandmothers house. We've never looked back and though my mom allowed us to have a relationship with my father, I was always afraid that the man I knew as my father had another man living inside of him who could become so unhinged that violence followed.

He never abused my brother and I in any way. He was an attentive and doting father who we saw every weekend until we moved to South Carolina. But I think we always held some resentment towards him because we knew he had an anger in him that was destructive and there was always this worry that we would inherit it.

And in some ways I think that we have...not as close to the rage that my father had but in our own distinctive way. Because I was so aware of my fathers anger I learned to bottle mine up. I protected any semblance of anger like it was a secret I could not let out. I'd keep it caged because I saw how destructive it could be and for years, I convinced myself that anger was not something I felt. But of course that's no necessarily true.

My anger is often attached to jealousy, envy and annoyance I can get easily frustrated if I feel misunderstood (literally), if someone takes my words or actions wrongly. I am short tempered when someone assigns a label on me. And I loathe repeating myself, because I am so attentive to everyone words, I can get easily upset if I think I am not being heard.

I did not experience complete and utter anger until Sean came around. That boy made me angry. He still makes me angry. He was dismissive and aloof  and constantly made me compete for his affections. He was also a liar and I was often confused by the differences in our alternating narrative. He told me that I was never good enough (but I was), he showed me that I was not good enough (but I am)  and I acted out often in anger as a result of the constant discord.

With Sean out of the picture, my anger has subsided a lot this past year. I still get pretty upset over things, like any other human being, but no to the extent where I am filled with a rage that makes me want to seek and destroy.

Until this past Friday.

Kat and I got into another argument this weekend and I wonder if she is taking notes of the discord between us as much as I am. Kat and bonded over our shared attraction to unattainable boys. At the time of our friendship she was developing feelings for the married preacher at work and of course I was head over heels for Sean. Outside of this journal, Kat was my only confidant about the Sean drama and I was her confidant regarding the preacher. We actually had a lot of fun surrounding our shared infidelities and we bonded over the big secrets in our life.

Unfortunately, now that the boy drama has come to a halt Kat and I seem to have lost our ability to connect. Not on all levels of course, but on some. Now that the curtain has been lifted, we suddenly have to learn how to be friends without this drama bonding us. And honestly I am not adapting to this well because Kat without boy drama tends to be a more depressed, negative version of herself.

She got a new job about two years ago and every day complains about this new job because she doesn't like who she works with because they are old Additionally, she doesn't have fun at her job like she did at the bookstore and wishes she worked with people who remind her how cool and attractive she is.About a year an a half ago we started hanging out out after work on Fridays at my house to watch movies and eat snacks. While the majority of our hangouts are okay, we often spend the 2 hours or so talking about how miserable she is.

She has a tendency of resting her whole self worth on the people around her and if you aren't constantly telling her how great she is she becomes despondent. She'll cry and throw a mini fit and then become emotionally needy until you console her. An example of this is Halloween day. We were supposed to go to the Halloween parade in the city and at the last minute she texted me and said she felt ugly and fat in her costume and was crying too hysterically to get dressed and go because she didn't feel she looked hot.

At the time, I was sitting on my couch in my outfit, waiting for her and her boyfriend to pick me up and I became frustrated that she was pulling this shit a half hour before she was scheduled to get me. But she wanted me to console her, to tell her she was gorgeous, to give her an alternative plan to her costume failure, to hold her hand so she would feel better about her weight and the costume. But I couldn't because I was in no mood to do this. And I told her so. But not so nicely.

Then of course the shenanigans around Christmas happened and I was damn near close to throwing in the towel because of her inability to give me space and because I felt like she was robbing me of my identity.

The last few weeks I've been trying to be more patient with Kat, because when she is in a good healthy place she can be a truly great friend. But her natural state these last few months have been super depressed, down in the dumps and needy that I don't know how to handle her. I am all about supporting my friends when they need me but Kat's malaise is an infectious disease...and when she is in pain, she wants everyone around her to be in the same dark place.

But I don't want to be in a dark sad place. I am trying to be happy or as close to happy as I can manage. Things are not great in my life but they are good. I love my home, I am making money, I have dreams and ideas. I have this tiny bit of hope and insight that things are going to be okay. I am not sure why I know this but I just know. And the only time I feel unsure and unhappy is when Kat is around to bring me down.

Lately, I  much rather spend time away with her when she is like this because she is becoming a weight. We are on two different trajectories in life, one where I am trying to figure out who I am and what I want and make those wants tangible...while Kat is indecisive and negative and depressed about everything. She'll play devils advocate regarding everything to the point where her opinions are ignorant  and often very wrong. She'll complain about people posting too much on social media and then spend the weekend updating excerpts from her weekend. She'll complain that public shamming is awful and then record two people in line having a vapid conversation. During the blizzard she was upset that people were at the supermarket shopping because 'we go shopping every week...not just during a blizzard".

And while these are all very minuet things to be annoyed by.. I can't help but be peeved by her constant and negative observations and outlook on life. It crawls under my skin and makes me defensive. It's like hanging around a constant Debbie downer or pointer outer of bad things.It's like being friends with someone whose glass is always half empty while yours is half full. 

Because I am beginning to feel fed up, I've been pretty short and argumentative with her in hopes that she'll see that she is bringing me down with her. I am a calm, rationale person until I am pushed into a corner and then I am filled with so much frustration it turns into anger, and that anger scares me.

This Friday we were scheduled to hang out again despite the fact that I wanted to cancel because she'd been texting me the whole week about how depressed and sick she's been but  I decided to follow through with plans unless she said otherwise. Friday morning, I was shocked to wake up to a bunch of snow and debated calling out because my commute is pretty brutal and it was a Friday. But I decided against it because while a lot of snow had fallen it was light, fluffy snow and expected to stop around noon. Plus. I wanted to save my snow day for more imminent weather.

As expected the commute was shitty. I had to take two buses, walk a few blocks to my job and got to work all gross and wet and cold. Surprisingly everyone showed up on time, with only a few people coming in to work in the afternoon after the snow stopped. As soon as I get to my desk, Kat texts me and asks how the roads were in my town. I tell her that the roads were terrible and that nothing was paved but that I went to work anyway because the snow was supposed to stop around noon and I saw no reason to call out.

She then  admits, quite proudly, that she called out of work because she didn't feel like driving in the snow and she wanted to take it easy because she hadn't been feeling well anyway. I was a little annoyed by her excuse and didn't understand why she was gloating and i told her I thought it was a little silly not to go in, especially because her reasoning behind getting a new car was so she could drive safely in the snow.

She gets mad defensive and starts listing additional reasons why she couldn't go in to work.
I tell her I don't care but because it's Friday I guess we'll reschedule due to her not feeling well and skipping work. And this my friends is where shit hit the fan. She tells me that she plans on still hanging out at my house, despite her reasoning for not wanting to go in to work. When I call her out on the discrepancy, she tells me she doesn't have to explain herself to me and that we are hanging out regardless.She'll meet me at my house after work.

Excuse me? Asaywhat?  Are you fucking crazy?

I was instantly filled with rage, a rage I have not felt for a very very very long time. A rage for once that may or may not have surpassed any rage I have ever felt towards Sean.  It happened so quickly, I had to look around my desk to make sure I hadn't growled in fury and disrupted the calm of my office. I kept re-reading the text to make sure I saw her words correctly. I then had to clutch my phone to prevent me from propelling it out  the window or worse. Even now, I am angry at the tone,  at the assumption that she could impose herself on my house and my time because she wanted to. That she used "i don't have to explain myself you" lingo like an annoying teenager when it is my house we always hang out at. I was pissed that she'd given me another example of how things are never completely mine..but hers as well, even if I did not give her permission.

For the life of me I could not imagine leaving work on Friday, taking the bus home only to have Kat waiting for me door (in her pj's and  her own food) to let her in because it is what SHE wanted to do ESPECIALLY after calling out of work for the day. She may not have to explain herself to me when it comes to the small stuff but when it comes to invading my space she does. Especially after she spent the better half of our conversation telling me she was too sick to go to work or too anxious to drive in the snow. Would she not be too sick after work...would she not still be anxious to drive in the snow.

 I was too through with her after this text and because I was angry, I did not mince words when I responded. My anger may not manifest physically but my words are sharp and I have had a tendency of lashing out verbally when, once again, I am pushed in a corner.And because everything has been so pent up lately with her, I was sort of indignant and furious with her. And I let her know this, not so nicely, to the point where she back-peddled and said I had misread her words and she didn't mean what she wrote and that i took it out of context. Followed by...'So are we still hanging out".

It took me a couple of hours to calm down. The intensity of the anger freaked me out. For a brief moment, I was full aware that I am my fathers daughter. That anger is a much a part of my life as the good parts. And it freaks me out. That I couldn't control it despite how badly I wanted to.

Of course Kat and I have not talked since Friday (and no, we did not hang out either) but  I am trying to figure out how to move forward. A part of me wants to have a long talk with her and tell her everything that is bothering me. But i don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't want to push her too far that she breaks and I also don't want to make it seem like the discord is all her fault. Because it's not, a lot of it has to do with me. I am growing up and wanting different things and I want to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me. And while I am not saying I don't want to be her friend anymore,  I am not sure I like how draining our friendship is. And I just need something to change.

Another Place to Fall

My anxiety is like an avanlanche.

 I know it's such a cliche way to describe it but until I can find a better analogy that suffices...my anxiety these days is like an avalanche.

Lately I've been trying to get my fiances in some sort of order and because I am not a person who truly understands money or what I am supposed to do with, the idea of now managing funds is stressing me out.

A couple of weeks ago Kat told me that she sometimes thinks about getting a part time job at Le Sad Store because she misses working there. I generally I remain mum when Kat brings up Le Sad Store because she does it often enough that I just white noise the conversation. She misses working with friends, she misses laughing at work, she misses being able to listen to music and dance and behave silly, she missed dressing up for cute boy, she misses free books.

She does not in fact miss the actual work, or the annoying managers or the terrible customers and the long hours or the shit pay. She does not miss the phantom customer who used to smear poop on the windows or the teenagers who would make out in the children's department. She just misses the accessibility to friends which to me is no reason to ever want to go back to Le Sad Store. Ever.

And I told her this, because despite the really great time I had at Le Sad Store and the amazing people I worked with,  I made less than $9 an hour and towards the end of my tenure there was only working around 10 hours a week. Save yourself from doing the math, cause i'll lay it out for you: I once made $70 for a weeks work of pay. I am not sure how I paid rent or ate or had a social life because I was pretty poor. Like very poor. The University job helped a lot but, i had to work two jobs just to stay head above water and honestly I don't ever want to be in that position again.

So yea, in an ideal world I wish I had a job that I loved, working with interesting and diverse people, making a comfortable amount of money but that just isn't the case yet. Until it is, I'd much rather be gainfully employed at a job that guarantees 40 hours a week with a stable paycheck. I am too afraid of returning the alternative.

But now that I have settled on this course, i am struck by how little I had in my previous life as a bookseller, especially now as I try and create more financially stability. I must admit that I avoided and ignored some things in the past just so I could have a home and eat a little. I cut corners and duck and dove and scrounged as best as I could to survive, which definitely attests to my resourcefulness but maybe not to my maintainability. Post holidays, i've been trying to get my finances in order (how lame does that sound) so i can buy a car and visit Canada this summer...because i am able to all of a sudden. But now that means I have to save and put money away and make conscious decisions about money so that i can have money. It's all very bizarre and foreign to me.

The other day I impulsively ordered a bench from target, because I love where I live and until I am at a point where I want to lease an apartment instead of renting a studio, I want to make this home as homey as possible. When I first moved in, I had only a mattress and an old desk a friend gave me. Slowly, i've been able to purchase legit furniture and have created what can only be described as my first real home, in the first real town I've ever really liked.

But for the first time after hitting the glorious purchase button, I felt guilty because I could afford to buy the bench and yet also could have equally used the money for something else.  Do i really need anther piece of furniture in my place? I am supposed to be saving money, not spending money. I could have used that money towards my car or some other erroneous house expense. Speaking of... why do I all of a sudden have expenses? Did I always have a grocery expense, and a commuting expense and a life expense. And if all this money is supposedly going somewhere why do I feel so broke even though I have more money in my account than I have ever had. Am i adulting right? Does me even asking this question mean that I am an adult!

This circular thinking went on for the rest of the fucking day. So much so that the damn bench hasn't even arrived yet and I already hate it (and secretly love it). I am not used to feeling such anxiety over things not boy or people related and even that has given me anxiety. I told you, it's like an avalanche. It's crescendo of snow billowing towards me until I am smothered whole.

Anyway, the weekend is here and outside of a hair appointment I have in the city, I plan on spending the rest of it indoors and reading. I used to write and read all the time but over the last few years i've done so less and less. I have this crazy idea to read all of Annie Proulx's books because it was Marie's favorite author and I hope I will be able to find her in the pages. It's dumb but it's just this journey I want to go on to stay close to her some how. Depending on how long this hair appointment runs i might hit up the library this weekend, grab some books, flirt with the uber nerdy but cute librarian and chill at home.

And make space for this damn lovely bench i spent a bunch of money on

Snowzilla

I survived the blizzard, though i must admit my home bound weekend watching HGTV and eating soup under the warmth of blankets and pillows was not unlike my usual winter weekend shenanigans if i can be honest.

Because of my car situation, I am glad there hasn't been much snow this winter. So i wasn't particularly thrilled with sweating on Christmas Day because it was 70 degrees outside but I thankful that I have yet to face commuting from this job to my apartment on a wintry snowy day. My boss is still super sketchy about me taking any time off and I am under the impression that he holds my attendance to a much higher standard than everyone else in the office. Or I'm just paranoid as hell and afraid of taking a day off unless I absolutely have to. I called out once a few months ago because my mom was in town and I wanted to go with her to the airport to wish her goodbye. I got a frantic email from my boss saying that he needed me in the office and would pay for the uber cab from Manhattan to our office if it ensured I was there on time. He's a strange guy.

While, I have not necessarily missed winter, I was super excited about the blizzard this weekend...mainly because it was on the weekend which allowed me to enjoy a  proper snowstorm in the safety of my home without feeling guilty about avoiding responsibilities. It was a win-win situation.

The snow didn't start until Saturday morning, so Kat and I resumed our weekly activities of food shopping and watching tv at my house. The supermarket was a mad house of course and our trip was very short lived because a fight or two may have broken out over shopping carts and celery. I wish I was kidding. Needless to say, we purchased whatever food we needed and left in a hurry.

I know I've been super hard on Kat these last few weeks and I am trying not to let the consistency of our relationship bug me. Maybe, consistency is not the right word because it is definitely not something I would ever tire of. I love that she is the most loyal dedicated person I have ever met. She is constantly in touch and checking in and making sure that I don't get lost in my own head. But i guess I worry about my own tiredness with routine. I worry about us running out of things to talk about or do because we've known each other for so long.

Outside of Marie and Heather, Kat is my longest living friend which in and of itself is a weird thing to write. Perhaps my discomfort and distance these last few weeks has more to do with my fear of loss. We've been friends for a super long time and to be honest I am so used to her being around, I am so dependent on her companionship that I am aware of how devastated I would be if I lost it or her. My natural response to this fear is to push her away, isolate myself, convince myself that i need to be less close to her instead of admitting that I just don't want her to tire of me, I just don't want her to leave and worse.

Stupid, silly fears. I wish i could shake them.

Anyway, I am trying to be a better friend. I am trying to learn how to settle into something or one for the long run because this is not something I am used to doing. So on Friday, the night before the storm, we had a pretty chill hangout. We ate salads, watched The Affair on showtimes, discussed our work week and gossiped. She admitted that she really looks forward to our Friday nights and maybe secretly I do as well, even though I often want to rebel and do other things.

I spent the whole weekend safely inside my house during the blizzard. After Kat went home on Friday, I hunkered down in preparation for the storm: which honestly involved me building a pillow fort. Having weekends off are the flipping best and I can't lie, I had no qualms about staying put. I made corn chowder in the crock pot, utilized my amazon prime subscription and watched some crappy movies. I napped, cleaned, danced and gave an hourly photo update of the storm to my mom. It was complete and utter bliss, made only more spectacular but the beautiful crisp snow outside my window (that of course is now disgusting grey slush).

Kat has been bugging me about my birthday and how I want to celebrate it this year and she gave me the task of coming up with birthday ideas during the blizzard. I am generally not a person who frets about getting older but I must admit there is something gnawing at me about the big 3-0.I feel both incredibly old and yet also very  unfinished. I can deduct huge chunk of years away from my current age with a full memory of who and where I was, yet I can't imagine that same chunk of time to be added to how old I am now. I have no idea who i'll be, where i'll be or if happiness is what i'll finally found.

Because of my current existential crisis surrounding 30, i have not put much thought into my actual birthday. A part of me wants to go home and visit my mom, brother and nephew. My nephew is now 5 years old, he is adorable and sweet and kind. When I was home for Thanksgiving, he went to the kitchen grabbed himself two juice boxes and offered me one because 'i was pretty and nice'. I want to know this kid and see him continue to grow and I wish I could spend a few days in march celebrating with him and the rest of my family.

With work and life, taking time off is damn near impossible at the moment, and I spent the weekend not coming up with any ideas on how to spend my birthday in New York. Kat suggested we see an off Broadway show starring one of my favorite actors and hitting up this place called the Meatball Shop which has sort of become a tradition. Naturally because I love this actor so much I agreed (followed by squealing and on-line shopping) and we have tickets to see this show the weekend of my birthday. I am also thinking of taking the day of and after my birthday off from work because...ew, who goes to work on their birthday.

For whatever it's worth, for however devastating and drag out hard it was, I am proud of my 20's and also equally ready to continue on the trend of good energy and growth well into my 30's. I just hope I continue to look as young as I do for a while, it's like the only thing saving me from having a complete 'how they fuck am i turning 30' freak out.

Prepardedness

There's a snowstorm coming my way and I am super prepared. More prepared than I should be considering the short notice. This has been a pretty disappointing and long week. While Kat and I have recovered from the disaster that was Christmas, I am still a little disappointed by that we seem to have settled into a boring and complacent routine. Last Friday she picked me up from work and we went to my house to watch TV like we do every week. She complained about having cramps, ate some food and then went home an hour later. It was 7pm. I am starting to resent these hangouts because I wish we were doing more and she seems okay with things being as they are.

On the job front, my only office buddy is away on vacation. Without her in the office, I spent the bulk of my week being ignored by my co-workers or worse engaged in conversation with Creep-master-flex. I don't necessarily hate my job, but I wish I was around more people I could have a social life with outside of work. I sometimes resent my friendship with Kat because I find it isolating and then I come to work, which should be a place where I can meet friends and I have yet to do so and honestly do not think I will.

To top off the crappy week, one of my managers approached me the other day and said his dad was selling a car and because he knew i was in the market he would let me buy it for super cheap if I was interested. Of course based on the amount he was willing to sell it for, I had a sneaking suspicion the car was a clunker. My manager is a decent guy but he also works in the sales department and is a pro at presenting you with something that seems like a steal. I immediately texted my friend Heather and asked if she could drive me over to my managers dad house so I could see the car.

We went after work this week and needless to say the car was a mile away from falling apart. It had several key marks, dents and rust stains. The odometer lights did not work nor did any of the lights inside the car. After viewing the car, I was surprised that my manager asked what I thought and would I want to put down anything to buy the car. I nicely told him I would continue my search, for the time being and then Heather and I howled with laughter and mortification at the whole ordeal.

So yea, I am a little excited about a few days of seclusion, even if i have a blizzard to thank for it. I want to try my hand at making Corn Chowder this weekend along with appropriating my time between reading books in my homemade blanket fort, marathoning shows and researching nerdy interior design stuff ( a new hobby). Kat's picking me up after work and we are going to try to find a super market that hasn't completely been emptied of food. If not, my Chowder plans are squashed and it looks like I'll be making homemade pizza's this week. I am equally okay with this. I'm pretty okay with a lot of this actually. My introverted self looks for any and all excused to escape the world and this week is a better chance than ever. 

Trajectories

Happy New Year!

 I can't tell you the amount of times I have already typed 2015 instead of 2016 at work but I am glad that as of today that is my biggest adjustment to 2016.

I spent the last two days of 2015 at my aunts house, making lasagna rolls and watching an inordinate amount of shows on the Disney channel thanks to my cousin. The lasagna rolls were delicious and I think i may have a future as a home cook because so far all of my pinterest inspired recipes are coming out well. My aunt, who is a picky eating, went back for 3rds and even my cousin, who barely eats, could not contain her appreciation for the dish. ::pats on back::

We stayed up until Midnight to watch the ball drop and then immediately went to bed around 12:05. I woke up super early the next morning so I could head home and enjoy my long weekend in the comfort of my apartment. My aunt seemed disappointed that I couldn't stay around longer to make more food and babysit my cousin but there is something about being in my own home, indulging in my own routines that I cannot get over. It's seriously a luxury.

Unfortunately I got pretty sick the day of New Years and spent the bulk of my weekend nursing a pretty awful stomach ache while watching a Law and Order marathon. As I approach 30 (yes, I will be 30 years old in march) I am slowly realizing that while I look like a high schooler on the debate team, my body has demanded I treat myself like a woman approaching her 30's. All the greasy food from the past two days, combined with my restlessness and lack of sleep, mixed with a few life anxieties caused my body to shut down come the weekend.

If anything, I am going to have to take it easier on my body these days. Or eat healthier, especially if i want to avoid feeling as awful as I did this weekend. Despite my weakened state, I half-heartily made up with Kat this weekend and also tried my hand at car buying! Both were semi disastrous ventures.

On the Kat front: She came over this weekend so we could finally exchange presents and 'air our grievances' about the last awkward few weeks between us. In general our hangout was nice. She got me some awesome gifts and seemed pleased and surprised by my presents to her. Of course, once the exchange was over we painstakingly went through why we hadn't talked in so long,  only to agree that we handle things differently and need to communicate better.

I had planned this big speech about needing our friendship to evolve and for us to grow as independent people who are the best of friends who don't need to depend on each other in an unhealthy way. But Kat seems petrified by change (opposed to it actually) especially when it involves people close to her. And whatever baby steps I want to take for my own life will just have to be done quietly and without her knowledge because it will only be met with resistance .

On the car front: Well, my friend Heather took me around to some dealerships the other day and I found a few cars I am interested in. Car buying is akin to speed dating I imagine. We spent the bulk of my car buying experience walking around some lots, making general first impressions about certain vehicles and then when there was one I liked, i simply asked if could test drive it...you know, to get to know it better.

I found a car I love but college loans will haunt me forever and I didn't qualify for a proper loan (financing is the way i have decided to go) to walk out of the dealership with a car. I am a little sad because I desperately wanted to be in a car this week especially as the weather has plummeted to single digits. Test driving the vehicle I ended up liking was an amazing experience. I haven't actually been behind the wheel of a car for a few years, but as soon as I was the freedom of being able to go where i wanted, when i wanted confirmed why I have been so on edge about getting a car and ridding myself of the public commute life. 

Heather has agreed to help me keep looking and hopefully by the end of the week, I will have wheels. If not, i will continue to be a very unhappy Beckett, who silently curses out her always late bus driver. Literally, he showed up ten minutes late today (and I cannot give him the benefit of the doubt because I am his first stop in the morning) and when I got on the bus, he was casually sipping a Starbucks coffee. It took all of my strength not to pry that coffee from his hands and toss it on the floor and dance on it with my freezing feet.

All of my strength.

I am not one for New Years Resolution and the passage into this year has not been fraught with this desire to make any big or meaningful life changes.BUT i must admit that i am very excited about new beginnings. Things are going well, I am doing okay and I am okay with the trajectory of life at the moment.I am thinking about starting a memory jar, so i can keep a track of all the small and big moments I am proud of this year. I was in such a bad place this time last year, that I am only just beginning to realize that I am taking valuable steps to better myself.

New Normal

I survived the holidays! thank gawd cause it was looking real iffy in the emotional/mental state and health department if I can be honest. I am not sure why this December was so taxing. As soon as I got home from Thanksgiving break I was so excited about the beginning of the holiday season. A week later, once the decorations were up, the presents ordered and the Christmas playlist created...I simply felt I had nothing else to look forward to and spent the next few weeks sulking.

Despite the sulking and melancholy, the last few days have not been that bad. As expected I left work Wednesday afternoon to avoid attending the holiday office party. Around noon that day, everyone just stopped working and casually meandered around the office because it was our last day before the holiday and faking busy can only take you so far. I asked my boss the day before if I could leave early since I was 'unable' to attend the after work party. He said it was fine and the whole day I was counting down to my moment of freedom. I am not sure anyone even noticed when I left my cubicle and jogged out of the office. I am pretty forgetful at work which does and does not bother me much these days.

I ended up spending Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day at my aunts house. It was inevitable, there simply was no way I could get out of spending the holidays with family. I was super surprised by how grateful she was that i was there. After our disastrous D.C trip, I am very cautious of my aunts intention. She can at times be very shallow and nit-picky. But the last few months she seems more tired than anything else and maybe this has soften her a bit. It was kind of nice being around her and my now preteen cousin this year. We literally just baked cookies and drank hot chocolate and watched campy Christmas movies. It was nice.

After two days with them, I headed to back to my little oasis and celebrated a belated and solitary  Christmas. From my previous post you can tell why I wanted to remain home all day. My mood may have been very un-christmas like this year but my apartment was cute as hell. Maybe all of my Christmas cheer went into my decor because I spent the remainder of the holiday weekend in my own little world full of Christmas cookies, pot roast and video games.

With the  New Year just around the corner, life has or will return to normal soon. Hopefully a new normal and I am very grateful for this. Kat and I sort of 'made up' before Christmas but there is still stuff unresolved between us that I hope we'll be able to discuss like adults. I knew I was going to be unable to give her her gifts before Christmas, so I asked her again on Christmas Eve to please drop by my house and pick up her gifts. She refused. Curtly, she explained that she wouldn't be able to pick up the gifts because she had other things to do and I was just going to have to wait until we could plan a day together  to open them.

I. Shit. You. Not.

 I honestly am  quite bored with Kat and I's co-dependent relationship. This isn't to say I don't appreciate her friendship. Because I do and hope we will be friends for life. But in order for this to occur, our relationship will need to adapt. I, like most of the people in her life,  cater to her wants and interests before my own. She is super sensitive and takes things personally and to avoid melt downs, I find myself just agreeing, succumbing just to avoid conflict. It's exhausting. In this case, we hadn't talked in weeks and I wanted her to have gifts from me to open Christmas day. She told me this was out of the question because she wanted to see me open my presents.

I couldn't rationalize why we needed a whole day or evening to exchange gifts, since we've never done it before.I may have said in passing that a traditional gift exchange would be a nice thing to do, but as someone who changes her mind based on the situation, I quickly saw no reason to go through with this plan based on how uncommunicative we've been. But Kat regardless of our recent rift still wanted to come over to my place, drink hot chocolate in Christmas pj's, open presents and watch Christmas movies all night because it is something she wanted to do. It was something that would fulfill her idea of a wondrous Christmas.

It did not matter that I expressed a strong aversion to this. It did not matter that her gifts are now apart of this awkward stalemate between us, STILL sitting under my tree with wrapping paper that has started to wear thin. It did not matter that in holding her gifts hostage at my house she was preventing me from having my version of a wondrous Christmas Day: opening presents from the people I love at home and at peace. Vice versa.

She went on to say she thinks our friendship is one-sided cause I never text first or ask her how she is doing. She thinks in getting rid of her gifts I am also trying to get rid of her. That it is unfair that my mood changes often. That she was only being overwhelming these last few weeks because while i tend to turn off  from the world and take time for myself when i am going through something...she cannot. That she didn't want to disappoint her brother and that's why she kept hounding me about plans. And that she thinks I resent our friendship because of my desire for independence.

I. Shit. You. Not.

I did not and do not know how to respond to this. How do I? Because honestly this is not the kind of adult friendship I want with someone. Especially not with Kat. She hates change and I know if she could have it her way, we would hang out every Friday at my house watching Netflix and eating food (she actually wanted to incorporate another day hanging out at my house so we could play video games and eat food). When not at my house, I know she would love me to continue providing companionship to her brother during our monthly group outings. I know she would love for me to be the person who tags along to the book expo's and concerts she wants to attend. I know she would love for me to be the person who always hits up the exhibits she wants to see and the stores she wants to shop out.

In being this person, I am losing my own sense of self. Oh, and I am bored,  incredibly bored. I admit, I don't text first, I admit that I am moody, I admit that instead of bombarding people with my own shit, I internalize and retreat so i can blog about it instead. I do not think this makes me a bad friend. I just think it makes me a different kind of friend she has ever had and her need for control in all aspects in her life has bled over to mine. She loves consistency, and routine and order...all things i freaking loathe and being her friend means that I have sacrificed a bit of myself just so we'd be on the same page.

But I am drained. I feel like one of those puppets controlled by string. All my actions are influenced by someone else and I want to cut the strings. Just so I can roam freely and try something new. I love my place more than anyone will ever know. It is my escape from the world, but the last place I want to be on a Friday night is on my couch watching netflix. I have my whole life to netflix and chill. And when Kat is there all we do is watch TV, and eat and talk about our week like an old married couple. It's nice every once in a while but every week is isolating.

I'd be cool with going to the gym, or taking a class or bowling, even bowling on a Friday night instead of sitting up in my house doing nothing. And maybe I have not been as vocal about this as I should have. Maybe this desire to try new things and meet new people has little to do with Kat and our Friendship. Maybe this is just something I need to do for myself to feel okay about my life, and because I often feel restricted from branching what once was enjoyable has quickly turned to resentment. I feel caged and I just want some freedom. A little.

And if this year was all about Moving On, I hope that that the next year will continue to be about Growth and Independence. I hope I can create a new normal for myself that continues to surprise me.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Beckett.

Ugly Sweater Party

A few weeks ago my boss sent out an email announcing the date and time of our official office Christmas Party with instructions that everyone RSVP by 12-22-15. Of course I waited til the last minute to make up my mind about attending the office party and now, today, I am supposed to RSVP. The email continues to sit in my inbox as i avoid having to decline. Because if I can be honest going to this thing is giving me anxiety and I can't imagine enjoying myself one bit.

I have been to a a few office related holiday parties and even now am filled with anxiety over how painfully awkward they were. I refused to put myself through that this year.I just won't.

My boss at the University used to throw a small holiday party for us because our department was never invited to the bigger office parties that took place in New York City. So just before Christmas break, our crew of 10 employees would gather in the copy room of the University and awkwardly eat store bought cookies and catered food making light conversations about tv shows and maybe the weather.

Le Sad Stores holiday parties were even worse because we had to work through them. Our managers never devised a way for us to have a store wide holiday party outside of work (though we sure did know how to throw you got a new job party) so instead catered food and snacks and holiday movies would await us in the break room, so during our lunch breaks we could celebrate the season. To be fair the store holiday parties were awesome! But having to work through one is pretty ridiculous. By the time we got our food and exchanged gifts, we had to return to the hell that is retail

But office life , and apparently office holiday parties, are a very different affair . My boss simply picked a random day out of the week to celebrate the holiday season (this Wednesday) and along with catered food there is going to be alcohol and  music and mandatory ugly sweater contest and a white elephant gift exchange. Did i mention this is also taking place after work between 6-9pm.

I've known for a pretty long time that I would not be going to this thing. 1) I don't drive and would be stuck taking public transportation home  2) my anxiety is very low these days... except when it comes to parties. I still do not feel comfortable in large crowds and lately am mortified by forced social interactions.  Mainly, I do not want to attend because I don't particularly talk to a lot of people at work so I am not to keen on being around my co-workers for 3 more hours (unpaid) after my work day has ended so i can sit around and not talk to anyone. Like i do during the day.

I know you might be saying 'but Beckett, this could be your opportunity to get to know your co-workers" which is true. It would be like the perfect opportunity to get to know the people i spend a huge chunk of my week with...but i am just not interested. I continue to grow disinterested every day in getting to know my co-workers. Most of the conversations I have throughout the week reveal in some small or big way that I have little in common with my work mates. Work is a bit like being in school. For the most part I only see these people because I have to. But the moment I am off work, they cease to exist. More-so, if I were to see any of them in public I would probably go in the opposite direction to avoid interacting with them.

For some reason, at this job, I want there to be a clear distinction between my work life and my home life. I hope, somewhere in the near future, that I will again have a job where the two are interchangeable. For sanity's sake I cannot have it be as incestuous as the bookstore but I do hope to find a place where there is balance. I look forward to working with people that i want to see at work and outside of work. Unfortunately at the moment that is not the case. Everyone is nice and fair enough but most of the times our interactions are so forced it hurts.There are a few people I make small talk with but it doesn't last more than a few minutes and afterwards we go the whole day without talking.

So yea, I'm a bad person and will send out an email to my boss telling him that I cannot attend the office party because [insert some lame excuse]. I know I will hear about all the fun that was had for weeks to come. But I am pretty sure my absence will go unnoticed.

In other news, this  work week is a short one and I am very very very excited about this. Tomorrow is our last day before the holiday and then I have the next two days off to 'enjoy' Christmas. I am not too excited by my current Christmas plans but at this point I just have to get through the next few days. My aunt still wants me to go over her house to cook Christmas brunch and labor around the house. To avoid conflict, I've decided just to go and hopefully make the best of time with family despite the obvious annoyance.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate having someone to spend the holidays with. But my aunt's the kind of person who'll invite you over to her house for dinner and when you get there she'll announce that she is actually going out for dinner with friends and she needs you to babysit for her.

 Kat and I are still not talking and honestly I'm too exhausted to dig into the conflict. We often get into fights that do not make very much sense and this one so far tops the list for the year. She dropped by my house briefly on Saturday to pick up the gifts for her bro and boyfriend that she wanted me to keep at my place. This pickup date was planned well before we started acting like the opposite of friends but nonetheless, it was a pretty awkward exchange: me walking outside with a box full of gifts followed by gruff goodbye's. So yea, that's that.

I am trying to stuff as much Christmas cheer in my body before Friday. I am planning a low key Christmas thing on Thursday which includes making pot roast and watching Christmas movies at home. It will be a little hard to make it feel like a cozy Christmas eve day with the 70 degree weather we are expecting but I will not let the last few weeks ruin what could be a pleasant sweet day.

I will try to post again before Christmas but if I cannot, I want to wish you all a happy, safe and love filled Merry Christmas (or Happy Holiday or Festivus or belated Hanukkah, early Kwanzaa)


~Becks

Home Alone

If anyone has discovered the cure for the weekday blues, I would love you to send it my way. Seriously.  I assume there is a blue-print or something out there that I haven't discovered yet to help a girl out. So far my cures include: coffee (and lots of it), pop music (and lots of it) and ginger (i absolutely adore the taste of ginger. But these only keep the blues at bay temporarily. Because honestly the last few weeks have been hitting me hard, harder than I expected,  which is such a letdown seeing I had high hopes for December.

Yesterday my boss called me into this office to go over my year end review. and needless to say I was pretty nervous.  9 months later and the man still terrifies me a bit. I get this sense that he does not likes me very much. He has a way of talking at me instead of to me and recently i found out I am the only one in the office who does not have business cards. I honestly could care less about having them but it seems weird to exclude one person,  even if that someone is just the 'receptionist.

Regardless, I am a kick-ass 'receptionist', 'customer service rep' 'typer of emails' and this cannot be denied. Despite how many times Patricia continues to throw me under the bus, I am good at my job. I don't particularly like my job, but I am good at it.

Of course, he really just called me into his office to give me my last performance review of the year. I knew this was coming, I've had two so far, followed by two raises so I was a little relieved and also very anxious about getting a raise. I was surprised by the Holiday bonus he said I'd be getting in addition to my raise.

A bonus?A holiday related one? Why does one get a holiday bonus? Do I have to, like, work more hours for it?  Nope. It's just extra cash for, idk, surviving the holidays... which so far has been the less stressful holiday season yet. Working is a battlefield...everything else is a walk in the park. While I can't explain why I have been given extra money for doing little work,  I will not complain. I would have worked in an office much sooner if I knew about this holiday bonus thing!

Today I checked my bank account three times just to make sure my boss didn't decide to take back the bonus at the last moment. He has yet to do so. I am a very very happy woman today. 

The bonus will definitely help me out this year seeing that I went a little overboard with presents. I gave my self a reasonable budget and then blew threw it in a day. A whole day. Last year I could barely afford rent and I had little to no money to buy anyone anything so obviously i am compensating for last yeas fall through. I was also not in a really good place mentally or emotionally and  spent the bulk of December feeling like a loveless failure so maybe my initial Christmas cheer and enthusiasm had something to do with not wanting to repeat how I felt last year.

While I am in a much better place this year, those feelings still linger for some reason. The feeling of restlessness, loneliness and maybe even despair but on the smallest of scales.  l I don't think I suffer from any type of seasonal depression but there is a definite trend in my mood around this time. I love the holidays, I am full of Christmas cheer but that feeling is fleeting and is replaced by melancholy.  I feel so overwhelmed these days and there is no reason that I can discern why. I both want and do not want things. I am full of ambivalence: torn between two opposing courses of action.


I am trying to curb this melancholy feeling.  However hard it is to do. Kat and I have suspended all of our Holiday activities since our spat and I am a little relieved and also sad about this because I am partially at fault. Maybe fully, but to feel less bad I wont take the full weight of this argument. I told her how I felt on Monday, not about the car, but that I felt smothered by her and that there will be days and moments that I need space. She said ok and  hasn't talked to me since. I feel like she is washing her hands of me, as so many people do. But I won't take back being honest with  her, so that I can hang on to my own identity.I am so desperate and in need of my own identity and life.  I just hope wanting this for myself, I am not alienating my friend.

With my schedule now open as hell my aunt has big big plans for me. She wants me to spend Christmas eve and day with her and my cousin, bake cookies, make breakfast and entertain the house with my Christmas spirit. I am beginning to feel like a house elf. I don't have the heart to tell my aunt that I'd rather spend Christmas by myself because despite how poor i was last year...I had a helluva time cooking dinner and watching Harry Potter in PJ pajamas. This is not to say I have not liked spending the holidays with my aunt. But I mainly enjoyed spending time at her house because of my baby cousin, who is know a pre-teen. And she has little to no use for us anymore now that she is older.

I worry that spending the holidays alone might be the ultimate depressive sad thing to do.  BUT I also know that I tend to have a really good time alone, Who am i kidding, sometimes my alone time  is splendid and for Christmas and I liken myself to Kevin from Home Alone. There is something very enticing about spending at least Christmas Eve or day by myself.  I want to make a pot roast, and watch Home Alone (obviously) and open presents and dance. Sure, like Kevin I will eventually come to realize it's better to experience all the joys of the holiday season brings with family and friends. But at the moment thought of a relaxing  makes me very happy dispute how simple and diminutive it is. 

Smondays.

As expected this weekend was rough. I promised myself I wouldn't sulk and hide away from the world and feel miserable and tired and depressed. But that did not happen. I did all of that.

 Saturday started off okay enough and I thought maybe I would survive the weekend unscathed.
I'm trying to tone up and have started running in the mornings as my only form of exercise. I am so used to being on my feet all day that I am nervous that my sedentary office job will cause me to gain weight. I generally am not a person who cares about weight gain or loss but I must admit I like being slight. I like being slender and quick. I like not taking up a lot of space. And i'd like to maintain this for as long as my body allows.

So i jog.. Particularly,  in the morning because I feel less anxious doing so when people are around.  On Saturday I woke up super early so I could run to the pond that's about a mile from my house. Running has and always will be a very relaxing and cathartic thing for me. I like the way my lungs feel while jogging. I like the way my legs push forward. I like being in control along the path i choose.

On my way back from the pond, I stopped by the post office to grab mailing boxes, bought food and coffee from the local diner and  stopped at the farmers market for flowers. It was a pleasant and easy morning. It was an obvious and deliberate attempt to distract myself from Marie but it worked temporarily.

I had tentative plans to see Krumpus with a friend and maybe hit up some dealerships later in the day but Heather was busy and had to reschedule the movie and I didn't want to go to any dealerships alone. So i decided to read, clean up a bit around my apartment, dance uncoordinated to some new tunes and binge watch a show on Netflix. If I had a car I might have gone ice skating because every year around Marie's death, I like being on the ice. It's akin to running in many ways for me.

Unfortunately my good mood started to decline late into the evening. Kat was still bugging me about going bowling for her brothers birthday and I could not understand why she was so adamant that I attend. I love Kat. I really do. I know I love her because I can be super critical of her need too smother. I admit that I am not an easy person to love. Sean often accused me of being dismissive when he tried to show affection. And while he was not a boy who loved me as equally as I loved him, he was right in many ways.

I am so used to being the one who cares for others that when someone tries to offer it to me, I resist. I resist hard. I find it as an invasion of my privacy. So when I told Kat that this was going to be a rough weekend, as I do every year, I was hoping she'd let me be. She'd leave me alone to process my thoughts and life. That she'd respect that for two days out of the year I am just inaccessible.  But she wouldn't and didn't. After texting me about her bro's birthday, she kept texting me about random things. Things that I had no interest in being apart of . Things I simply did not care about,

Eventually I responded back that she just needed to give me space and let deal with whatever I was dealing with instead of being so intrusive. Even though I know she was trying to be there for me and perhaps distract me from the weekend...i also felt that she wanted to be apart of that day because it is something that she will never have access too. Kat's the kind of person that if something is off limits it makes it more desirable. And for once, or twice, i didn't need her to take claim of something that I need to be mine and mine alone.

 Of course, I didn't say any of this via text. Instead I literally wrote: "yo, you need to let me chill and mourn my friend. everything else at the moment is irrelevant. I'm sorry" We didn't talk the rest of the weekend and when I texted her this morning this is what I got back:

Le sigh. 

 I must admit that envy and jealousy are two of my biggest faults. I am excited for other people's happiness, I really am,  but sometimes, especially when it's someone close to me, I am often filled with envy at their good fortune. It's hard to write it any other way without sounding like a dick, so I am not going to hide behind it. Sometimes I am a dick. There I said it.

While Kat and I are super close I cannot help how envious I am of her. I am envious that things seem to come easy to her or that the people in her life, especially me, make things simple for her. At the moment  I am super freaking annoyed by this car debacle and envious that she has a new car.I am super peeved that '[you] made buying a new car sound so easy...so you, know i deserve to get a new one too". Obviously I know that things will fall into my lap at the right time. I have to be patient. I also have to and should be excited for her. But I am not and I am not proud of this.

Instead I am only partial to these reactions. Where I should feel elated and happy,  I am annoyed that the moment and achievement couldn't have been mine and mine alone. Sure, she was and is free to get new things. Sure, her wanting a new car could have been a long time coming. But because I know, as she has told me repeatedly, that her decision to get a car was hugely influenced by my own..i can't help but feel robbed of the moment. Of having this thing to cap off such a tremendous year for me. It just feels like she stole my groove and like Stella I just want it back.

More importantly, this car thing is probably just a symbol for how I am often annoyed that things do not feel like mine. That when I need something or some day or some achievement to be my own Kat HAS to be apart of it and not in a way that is supportive. I am a huge fan of supporting women who get shit done! I  super supportive of women who have each other's back as we try to have it all. But Kat sometimes does not bring much to the table in this department. She waits for others to do things for her and latches on. It's as if she is always there in the background, lurking and taking notes and then expediting a version of the change faster. Or worse at the same freaking time. It's exhausting.

 With her, I am always  responsible for lighting the spark but am then left in the shadow of what it has ignited. Sometimes I wish she could provide the same in return.  It's petty I know, but as I stated before I'm a dick. Worse than that i am a  jealous one.

I am trying to work my way out of this funk and general bad mood. I am thinking about bringing this up to her delicately but as of right now I can't come up with the right words to express how I am feeling. So instead i am sort of being a passive aggressive dick who can't come to terms with change that isn't my own. Despite how I feel, I am grateful that I survived this weekend, so I am hoping the Christmas spirit kicks in soon. Like real soon! I could use a pick me up. I could use some inspiration. I could use a break from this malcontent.

In totally unrelated news, I saw Fifty Shades of Grey this weekend because..you know, curiosity is a helluva drug. I have not laughed that loud in a very very long time and I am grateful for the sheer silliness of the movie. There are several moments in the actors performance where you can tell they are like 'you know what...fuck it...this shit is dumb' followed by campy dialogue or explicit sex scene. The content, subject matter and lifestyle are not foreign too me. I am not that much of a prude.  There are things I leave out for a reason.

I did read the first book long before it was released in stores (there was no reason to continue the series about book 1)  and was underwhelmed to say the least. If it weren't for Jamie Dornan (who is beautiful) I would have skipped the movie altogether. But alas, I didn't because I am a sucker for a hot british dude. While the movie was pretty shitty, as was the book,  I can appreciate a really dumb flick that knows it is dumb.  I  can also appreciate actors taking part in said movie because it pays the bills. So while I was un- titillated i sure was tickled. And it did help me out of my sadness this weekend...even if the sadness was replaced by sheer mortification.

The Before and After

In a few months I will be 30 years old.  30 years freaking old. I know, it's fucking weird right? I started this blog when I was 19 and a sophomore in college and now here I am on the brink of 30 being a person and stuff. I would say I don't know where the times has gone but thanks to my various online and personal journals, I have a clear sense of how the years that have passed.

You'd think being almost 30, I'd be able to make concrete decisions for myself without feeling guilty. But that hasn't happened yet. And I am starting to fear that it never will. These past few weeks I have found myself participating in plans and outings that have no interest to me but that i feel obligated to attend because...you know, i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

As someone who never used to be a team player, I am quite the people pleaser when it comes to people i love. Just this past Saturday my aunt wanted me to help her decorate her apartment for the holidays. Despite the fact that I had other plans (staying home and sleeping, wrapping presents and making dinner) i felt that i couldn't abandon my aunt. I felt that her asking me to help her meant she needed me and this need overwhelmed my own desire to have a stress free Saturday. Of course once i got to my aunts house, she revealed that she just really wanted my help shopping and carrying things back to this house. Four hours later, after being her assistant for the day ,she dismissed me and I was allowed to go home.

On my way, I got a text from my friend Heather who wanted to know if I would go to Target with her. Any other time and day I would have said no but  Heather and I recently had quite the falling out  (because she said some really shitty stuff about my past dealings with Sean and my current dealings with no one) and she's been trying to make it up to me ever since. We've been friends since Kindergarten and despite how bossy and all consuming she can be I can relate her anxious ways and how lonely she is, even though she has a lot of family and friends around her.

Our friendship is complicated but when I need her she is always there. Vice versa.But she has a tendency to lash out when things are not going well for her personally, which is exactly how are falling out happened. We were out for coffee one day and she was having a miserable week and felt anxious and stressed. Instead of dealing with her own stuff she projected her miseries on me  and vented about my life out of nowhere. We haven't talked in months, but the holiday season is all about forgiveness and moving on, so we have spent the last few weeks mending our friendship.

When she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on Saturday soon after the disastrous time at my aunts , I told her (albeit still very tired) that I would love to go shopping. 3 hours later I was finally home, exhausted, depleted and upset for not putting myself and needs first.

The night continued to get worse in the 'i'm overwhelmed' department because Kat kept texting me about going Christmas shopping the next day with her and her brother. The next day of course being Marie's birthday.I had already stressed that December 6th (and December 13th) is and will also be a very weird day and that I probably wouldn't be able to make it.  But she wouldn't let up: 'we'll only be out for a few hours' 'we'll have a lot of fun', 'my brother is looking forward to this'.

 Lately, Kat has been inviting me to hang out with her and her bro ( a very nice guy) because she thinks he is lonely and needs someone to chill with. Because this is not an episode of friends, I am very hesitant with Kat's assertion that her brother likes hanging out with me and am even more peeved that we are often coupled together every time there is an outing with the four of us.

I must stress that Kat's brother is awesome. His name is Ryan. He is super nice and funny and great to hang out with. If he weren't related to my best friend, I would probably catch the feelings. We generally have a good time hanging out with each other and he is not put off by my silliness. This summer, the four of us went to the Renaissance Faire  and strangers kept coming up to her brother and I asking if we were a couple, and that if we weren't... we should be. It was weird. Cute but very weird.

 But because I grew up having a shit load of crushes on my older brother's friends I know i want to avoid the murky gray complicated area of liking a friends sibling. Honestly, it's a big deal breaker in my book. Unless of course, I happen to become friends with anyone related to Michael Fassbender. So I am trying to keep my interactions with her brother as platonic as possible. I don't want to entertain the idea of us growing closer.

But I don't think Kat sees how weird it is for me. She may not even recognize that her brother might or has developed an interest in me. She may not even recognize that I might or may develop an interest in him. I think she has tunnel vision and knows that when I am around,  her brother is in a better mood. That he is a tab bit happier. So in her attempt to get me out of the house on Sunday, she kept bringing up how happy it would make her brother if I was there.

But I couldn't go. I couldn't bring myself to go shopping in a mall, full of people on Marie's birthday. I wanted to just be by myself for the day. Make breakfast, go to the pond near my house. Reflect on the last four years since Marie died and mourn my best friend. I wonder if people in similar situations mourn the death of someone by suicide like i do. There is something so incomplete about Marie's life. There is still this huge chunk about her that I will never be able to understand or reconcile. The person I thought I knew did something that has caused a huge ripple effect and I still, four years later, am trying to make sense of the tragedy.

I guess what no one understands is that Marie is not the only person who died that day. She is not the only one who was lost. On her birthday and death day especially I find myself mourning the girl I was before this happened. I wonder who she would be if things had turned out differently. I don't miss that girl nearly as much as I miss Marie but I do  miss her. I do wonder about her from time to time.

Sunday marks four years since Marie took her life. I vaguely remember being stirred awake from a nap that day because my phone kept ringing. I remember how freaking annoyed i was that someone, presumably my job, was calling me on my day off. I remember not recognizing the number but I picked up the phone any way because I recognized the area code. And I remember the sound of her mom on the other line, telling me something really really bad had happened. She sounded so calm initially. "Hey, is this Beckett. It's Marie's Mom. It's bad, Sweetie..." and there is chaos. There is crying and sobbing on the other end of the line. There are hot tears and crying on my end. I may have screamed into my pillow. I may dropped my phone several times. I remember how utterly devastated she sounded on the other end. How her words sort of just blended together. Marie is dead. She killed herself. "I just want my baby girl back!" is the last thing I remember her saying before i went into shock.

And that, that moment,  was when my life changed forever. That was the moment that I lost my best friend but it is also the moment whatever person i was supposed to be and whatever life I was supposed to live with Marie in it, died as well.

I have never admitted to this. To anyone. But I a part of me died that day too. I think I died too.

Ryan's birthday is this Sunday and Kat has asked me to go out with them all and celebrate. I do not want to do this. I have no interest in being overly social that day. And this isn't because I want or plan on  sulking at home. I just want to spend the day by myself. I want these two days however tragic they are to be mine and mine alone. If I choose to share it with people, I want it to be on my terms doing something I would like to do to remember both people I lost that day.

And this year, I just want to take in the solidarity of this epic loss. I want to honor Marie's life. I want to mourn her. I want to mourn the girl I was. I want to be selfish and not cater to the wants of anyone else. Just for once, ya know.Just once.

The Passenger

A few weeks ago I told Kat that I was thinking about buying a car...because you know, I'm an adult and stuff, and should have some wheels by now. Kidding, I am far from an adult but transportation is a nightmare and after a year of being a bus rider, train hopper and cab grabber, I am simply over being dependent on public transport. However grateful I am for it being available in my area.

Before I moved to my now adorable and great town, i walked everywhere in favor of the bus. I like walking and living within distance of both the bookstore job and the university made life very easy. Whenever i did need to go anywhere outside of walking distance, I could bum a ride off of Kat.

But things are hella different since moving. I live an hour away from my new job and though my town is quaint and adorable, i often have to travel for entertainment and shopping. I don't so much mind the latter of these traveling woes. I'm a homebody and I tend to spend my weekends indoors or in town anyway.

 But commuting from work...that's another issue.  When I worked at the university commuting  was doable because I could take the school's free shuttle. During the winter this was a life saver. It snowed so much last year that i would have been trapped were it not for this shuttle. On the days where i missed work late at the bookstore, I could easily grab the bus or train and head home. But my new job is a little farther away. Not Manhattan far by any means but definitely a tougher commute.

It takes me twice as long to get to work and I have to take two buses instead of one.  If one bus is late, I miss my connection and have to wait 15 minutes to catch the next one. I spend the bulk of my commute lightly jogging from one stop to another or cursing under my breath because the bus is late...again. I get up extra early so I can make it to work on time and I have to leave my job 15 minutes early in order to make my bus home...a bus that is often late and/or overcrowded.

I've been doing this commute for 9 months and to say i am tired would be an understatement. A few weeks ago, I saw a cockroach on the bus, walking around like he owned the damn place and I knew it was a sign that it was time to move on from the commuter life. I ran the idea by my mom who was completely on-board with me getting a car and I've been doing my research ever since. I know that I do not want to lease a car, i know that i want something compact, I know that i don't want my monthly payments to be astronomical. I know that i want a car by the end of the year. A nice Xmas present to myself.

The idea of having a car has made me quite happy the last few weeks. As someone who has never owned a car (i do not count my high school car which I could only use to drive from my house to school) there is something magical about my impending independence .  I dream of the  freedom that will come with wheels. I dream of the mini adventures i could take. I imagine not feeling so trapped or restricted to my town and being dependent on people around me for rides. I also know I will dread traffic and check-ups and driving on the highway, but i don't let those fears outweigh the sheer relief I will feel once I have a car.

 Lately I feel as if most of my social life is spent catering to what everyone around me wants to do and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am constantly the passenger. And being a passenger has it's limitations. Before I left for Thanksgiving break, I told Kat my wondrous plan because she is my best friend and I like sharing stuff with her...even my aspirations. But i've noticed recently that when I tell Kat something she too then wants to do the same thing. When i moved to my new adorable town, she started looking for apartments with her boyfriend in my neighborhood...because i found such a great deal so she could too!When I told her my mom and I were going to Washington D.C on vacation, Kat booked a trip to D.C as well a few weeks later.

My mom says Kat's tendency to 'follow my lead' is flattering because she must, in some way, see me as an example of a person who gets shit done. Kat has spent most of her life depending on others to do things for her, and seems intrigued by the fact that I depend on very little people but i still manage to get things done when i put my mind to it. So when she mirrors things that i do, or wants to follow my lead...I am a little bit flattered cause I am literally figuring shit out as it happens. BUT sometimes I am also frustrated by this aspect of our friendship because setting the trail is a lot harder than following one.

So needless to say when I arrived home from Thanksgiving break I was a little peeved to get a text from Kat letting me know that she decided to take my lead again and get..a brand new car. "you made it seem so easy" "you're right it's like the perfect time" "and this would be the perfect way to end the year" "i've never really had anything my own so I agree this would be like the best investment". My heart sank. While I am happy for her, this was supposed to be my big thing. This was the plan I had for myself and my end of the year and now it feels taken from me. Upstaged. The person following my lead has used my trail as a shortcut and I am very very very frustrated at the moment because with her nothing ever feels like my own.

She got her new 2016 Subaru Hatchback yesterday and has been texting me like crazy about it. I am trying not to let it get to me but it is. It has. Especially as I get ready for my hour long commute. The only upside is that her old car is currently being unused, and I am hoping she'll let me buy it from her (on the cheap side since I am her best friend) so I have something to drive. It's an old Volvo but seriously they have been my dream car since  i was a teen and i could save a lot of money not having to finance something new. I'll have to wait and see though and honestly the thought of having a hand me down car from the person I 'inspired' to get a car bothers me more than i'd like to admit.

Everything Will Be Okay

I tried to have a good weekend. I tried not to let Marie's birthday get to me. But there is something profound about this being her 30th birthday. The big 3-0 and her not being here to celebrate it. I was besides myself the whole weekend adding up and subtracting this number. I can vaguely remember conversations with her about who we wanted to be at 30. Where we wanted to visit in our 30's. The things we were going to accomplish together and separately. So admittedly however strong I wanted to be this weekend, I was a blubbering sad mess of a person. We never became those people together.

I miss my best friend. I miss her to the moon and back. And while things in my life are good and simple and nice, I don't think there is enough time in the world to heal the kind of pain that goes into missing someone. I just don't think that there is. 

Nevertheless, I tried to be semi productive the days leading up to her birthday. I helped my aunt decorate her apartment for Christmas, I went to the movies with Kat, spent most of Saturday wrapping presents to put under my tree. This year I decided to do the bulk of my holiday shopping online, which is the best thing ever, and as of today I have purchased all the gifts for the people in my life. Last year I was so poor, I was only able to give an "I.O.U" as a gift, so this year I overcompensated and bought a crap-load of gifts for my mom, kat and my nephew.

 Last week all my online gifts arrived at once and I walked into a hallway littered with presents. It was pre-Christmas joy seeing all those boxes in front of me, which was immediately replaced with terror at the though of having to wrap everything. So, I waited until Saturday afternoon to wrap everything and there was something soothing about the task of cutting paper, folding creases, tapping, and topping each present with a bow.  

Of course once Saturday night came to a close, Marie and her birthday were front and center in my thoughts. How has she been gone for four years? Four whole years. Year that have been equal parts terrible and terrific. How have I gone this long without hearing her voice. How have I gone this long without seeing her face. How has life, just continued to evolve without her. I do not understand this. I cannot understand this, and yet here I am four years later...without her.

I had tentative plans to hang out with Kat and her brother on Sunday. They wanted to head to the mall and buy presents and grab food and have a good time. While I wanted to join them, I felt guilty for even entertaining the idea. If I can be honest, I feel guilty all the time when I think about Marie these days.  I feel guilty for surviving. I feel guilty for my happy days. I feel guilty for having to still be a person despite her loss. 

There was a time when I didn't think I could live without her. The days after she died, I was almost sure of it. But now, now, I feel the weight of being the one left behind, and I feel guilty for having to move on and create a life without her. Because that is what is happening. Life continues to go on. I continue to grow and live and attempt to plant roots...without the one person I thought would, in some way, shape or form be a part of it. And every day, month, year that passes without her feels like a betrayal. Like i am losing her all over again, as I get closer to a more healthier and stable me.

 Marie's Birthday is Sunday.

Sunday.  December 6th.

It would have been her 30th year.

I am not sure how four years have come and gone without her.

Just needed somewhere to share this.

Home

I'm just going to ignore the fact that after a week in South Carolina with my family for Thanksgiving , I have to return to work on Monday morning and face the drudgery that is office life.

My visit was unsurprisingly awesome and as I only venture home once a year, i tried to soak up as much family time as I could.

Nonetheless, after 6 days of laughing and eating and entertaining my four year old nephew, I was very excited to return to my New York and my little haven. I can't explain how weird it is to return home to South Carolina and realize that that place is not really my home anymore. It is a place where my mom and brother and nephew live, it is a place full of distorted memories and nostalgic artifacts but it is not fully home anymore.  

My family drove me to the airport and there were emotional goodbyes and long hugs but I think on both of our parts there was also a sense of  relief with Thanksgiving being over so that we could all return to our routines and way of living that we've grown accustomed too. 

And maybe this has nothing to do with South Carolina, or my mom or my brother. Maybe this disconnect has more to do with the fact I am creating a life for myself in New York that is vastly different and all of my own. I walked into my place today and just sort of sat there for a minute, among the Christmas decor I put up before I left and felt...i don't know..happy/content/ to be home. In this small little apartment, in this small little town. I felt content and at peace. 

Sure, things definitely aren't perfect in my life but they are good. My life feels good and there is something confronting in that. 

Happenings.

I will admit that for the unforeseeable future postings will be very sporadic.

It seems the more I tell myself I am going to document things, the less motivated I am to sit down and actually replay my days and experiences in written form. I don't really know how to explain it. A part of it has to do with writing itself which has become an uncomfortable and anxious thing for me. I continue to change and grow everyday and in doing so my voice as a 'writer' has adapted.

I am often struck by how different I sound and look on paper. I don't know who this voice is that wants to write about my life but she is unrecognizable to me, especially as I struggle in many ways to figure out my life.

 Additionally, the nature of blogging has changed. I recognize that it's probably just the ebb and flow of how and what we share nowadays. When I first started journaling, I was a sophomore in college and based on earlier posts, could crank out about 20-30 entries a month. Now I can barely crank out that many posts a year.

Looking back I am not sure how I was able to post as much as i did! I definitely went to class, I definitely attempted to be a person (from time to time) but seriously I am not sure how I managed to write as much. Where the hell did i get all that free time.

 Anyway, things (me) have changed so much in 10 years that writing has unfortunately taken a back seat as has maintaining this blog.Obviously for reasons of vanity and nostalgia, I will continue to blog and write about myself as much as possible but for the time being I've decided to do so in a much smaller capacity, to take the pressure off of myself honestly. Because the transition often feels like pressure.

As far as updates go, things have been pretty okay in Beckett-land. As well as things can be. Work continues to suck my soul and I am pretty miserable with office-life. Since the fallout with Patricia, I have become public enemy #1. Not with everyone in the office but definitely among her small clique. I feel like there is a scarlet letter on my head. It seems so silly that the two of us cannot resolve our hatred of one other (Because we do hate each. I know this much). Especially since it all started over a man, acting like a perverted and hard up teenager with blue balls.

 Since July we haven't said much to one another. There was an attempt at a small truce after her boyfriend (unfortunately my now ex friend) sent me an email begging me to make things right between us (because of course, I was the one who had to fix things. you know, not the person who messed it all up in the first place). For the sake of my friendship with her boyfriend, I attempted to make amends. I went out of my way to conduct small talk, I comforted her when her grandma passed away this summer, I even bought a sympathy card for the whole office to sign.

 Even after all of this, Patricia still remained pretty unpleasant to be around. She'd have moments of civility followed by outright hostility towards me. She went out of her way to point out my mistakes to everyone in the office (mistakes which only occurred because she didn't train me well) and often tried to show dominance over me as if we were in a competition. It was bizarre, nasty and unnecessary.

The final straw came when she blamed me for something she messed up on and of course because it is Patricia she did this loudly and in front of a bunch of people. After that day, I decided that my friendship with her boyfriend was not worth saving if it meant i'd have to put up with the weird abuse from his girl at work. Patricia is just a straight up dick and the only reason any one of our mutual friends tolerated her was because of her boyfriend. She's boring and has stank face and now having worked with her I can also add asshole to her list of attributes. She bullied and was antagonistic towards me only for the sake of being an awful human being.

 Naturally, we haven't talked in months but she continues to passive aggressively throw jabs at me on a weekly basis. While the job itself can be mind numbly boring and soul sucking, it's been made worse because Patricia and CreepyGuy (who either ignores me completely or goes out of his way to let me know that he is ignoring me) have made me a pariah. I am not allowed to go to lunch the same time everyone else does and my cubicle is so far from the others that I feel like I have been sent off to an island where I must fend for myself. Which is exactly what I've been doing the last couple of months. It's sort of depressing.

 I am trying to combat this crushing wave of disappointment at work by surrounding my life outside of my 9-5 with good energy and good people. The good energy aspect is very easy to do. While my eating habits are still poor and my bones are starting to ache in weird places, mentally and emotionally I am generally happy these days. My mom came to visit this summer and helped me deck out my small but adorable studio. Outside of my mom's place my current place is hands down the homiest home I have ever lived. It is a comfort and delight to wake up everyday in this place that I have made an oasis from the world.

 When I am not a work, I spend my days reading and dancing and buying a lot of clothes. My town is adorable, so I tend to spend a bulk of my time walking around and taking photos and just enjoying my simple but good life.

 Kat and I are still the best of best friends. We talk everyday, and hang out every Friday to catch up on life and watch Netflix. She continually supports me and encourages me to be the best version of myself. While I adore the shit out of the girl. our closeness can sometimes feel very isolating. After a horrible falling out with my friend Heather (who was having a bad day and decided to talk shit about me and my family) during an outing to grab coffee, i realized that Kat is really the only friend I have these days. I mean I have people I text, I have a lot of causal friends. I know that I am not alone, but Kat who i see on a regular basis and hang out with.

 There are days when this bothers me. The feeling of being alone. I feel like I am not connecting with anyone. I miss having a cushion of friends, multiple people, I could go to for support and companionship. The list has slowly dwindled this year and I am almost in no contact with people who once meant the world to me. Grant it , some of these people provided  temporary happiness but I still miss it.

My attempts at trying to curb this loneliness has fallen pretty short honestly. Meeting people has always been hard for me and now more than ever ways of meeting people is very limited. I want friends, but where the hell am I supposed to meet them. Work would appear like the prime location to befriend like minded people but i seriously loathed everyone I work with. The few times they have all gone out for drinks after work I have made up some excuse why I can't attend. If i barely talk to them at work, where i am at least paid to feign interest, why would i go out to a bar where not only am I surrounded by the same people but i am not getting paid for my time!

 I've been thinking about taking a course or joining some sort of group where interactions are mandatory. But so far all i want to do is play the drums or learn how to dance.

 I don't even want to get started on how hard it is trying to meet a cutie. I am not handling the idea of online dating very well. A part of me understands it but the other part of me overrides the logistics and wishes I could just meet someone organically. I am wondering why my life can't just be a romantic comedy, do people still meet each other in the aisles of bookstore and supermarkets? Cause that's what i'd prefer to be honest.I'd prefer to meet the guy of my temporary dreams in the aisle of my local supermarket buying a handful of Pillsbury dough for the amazing pumpkin rolls i recently learned how to make. But that has yet to happen.

 Despite all of this, I am pretty optimistic about the next few months. During the holidays, I am going to start filling out applications again particularity at some local colleges so I can put an end to the misery that is my current employment situation. Were it not for the holidays coming up I would have started this job search earlier. But realistically, I want to enjoy my first real retail free holiday and I am not going to find anything outside of  nonseasonal come November/December. I also have made some tentative plans at social gatherings where I am bound to meet people with similar interest. I saw tentative because said gatherings could involve me attending solo but if i don't put myself out there I am going to get the same damn dismal results,

 Change is slow but inevitable and the changes in my life may seem small and insignificant at the moment but I feel like i am heading in a really good direction, you know. Like whatever I have started building for myself is just the foundation for the life I want to lead.