I am not going to lie. I am very sad. Not the saddest I have ever been but sad nonetheless.

As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.  

But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously. 

If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE')  and he was easily swayed by the wind. 

He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.   

So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche. 

I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.

And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%? 

Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self. 

I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .

 But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him. 

So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all.  There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days. 

I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep. 

I did it.

As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)

After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.

So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.

8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.

So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.

I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.

So it's time to move on


.

I think i'm going to end things with Sean tonight.

If this is what heartbreak feels like i'm totally over it.

Molly, You in Danger Girl Part 2

On Saturday morning i'd convinced myself that i would be on a plane back to New York whether Sean wanted me to stay or not.

After spending so much money on the plane ticket and the hotel room and having to take off from both jobs, I imagined my trip up to Chicago would give Sean all the fire he needed to...i don't know, be with me. It's so stupid, i know. Growing up my favorite show was Felicity on the WB and I couldn't understand why she would go all the way to New York for a boy who barely knew her in high school. But she was in love with him and she thought moving closer would give their relationship a chance or at least a start at something.

And in my 28th year I finally realize I have become Felicity

I can't lie and say that outside of my wanting to have sex with Sean, the real reason i went to see him was because i wanted him to finally reciprocate the feelings and the devotion and the love that i have continued to display towards him. I was hoping that this trip would inspire him to choose me. Because i have chosen him time and time again. And i know it was an idealistic and stupid expectation. But with my birthday corresponding with the trip and Sean's sincere desire to see me i was hoping all the pieces of our fucked up puzzle would align.

I didn't calculate having to deal with his parents. I didn't calculate his gf's jealousy. I sure as hell wasn't prepared for blind grandma and dead pigeon. By the end of Friday night Sean and I got into a mini argument because the facebook photo i posted  came up again in conversation. He'd just gotten off the phone with his gf and he turned to me and said "so i hear  you have been 'plastering' my photo all over the web'. I don't know why this enraged me so much, mainly because i knew it was her who said it. Plaster indicates that I posted a fucking gallery of him, i literally posted 2 photos so his friends and family back home could be as proud as i was and if his lazy ass gf had gone to Chicago she could have had photos of her own to share.

I was more annoyed by the fact that i continue to be the one who shows up and yet is always questioned. It's fucking ridiculous.

Sean immediately knows that i am upset and on the drive back to the base when he begs me to stay i am so pissed and ready to go home that i tell him i won't make any promises. In my room later that night i call my mom and she says  that i have to come back on Saturday. Have to. I got to see him, i got to spend time with him, he didn't do with he needed to do to make me stay, so it's time for me to come home.

And of course, i shared the same sentiment. Here i was in Chicago, to see a boy that i truly care about and i felt, like i always do with him, like the second runner up. I know that if his gf would have made it up I would not have been invited. All i've ever wanted was for Sean to see me for who i am and who i can be in his life and it's like he is wearing a blindfold and shades. And it's not to say that he wasn't great on Friday. He was attentive and present and there but it felt like he wasn't mine. I was sharing him with his parents and his gf and he was so accommodating to them because their role is so prominent yet mess I just wanted him to finally take a stand or exclaim that he needed time just for me because i'm the one he's unofficially been seeing this last year. And i couldn't get that.

And I was so eager to have him all to myself so we could talk and maybe figure out what everything between us is about. And i knew if i stayed Saturday none of that would happen.

So in the morning, I pack all my shit and when his parents ask if i'm going to stay an extra day, I tell them i can't. When we get to the base to pick Sean up, he is anxious to begin the day because it's my birthday and he doesn't yet know i am not going to spend it with him. My plane was scheduled to leave at 12:30 but by the time we pick him up it's 10:30. The first thing he asks is if i am going to stay and I tell him no. He makes a face and then says he will do whatever he has to if i'll stay the extra day. He wants us to go to Chicago and see the sights and he has a present for me. As he is saying all these things all i can think about is how much i'll regret not staying. I don't know when or if i'll ever see him again and to be honest i didn't want to go. I really didn't.

So at the last minute i tell him i'll leave on Sunday, i'll stay for him, but he has to promise that my birthday will be spectacular.

Now, i believe, if his parents had any clue about the nature of my relationship with their son they would have backed off a little in the parental department. I mean had they known that we wanted some alone time, without it looking uber suspicious, i'm convinced my birthday would not have felt like a field trip monitored by adults. But because they assumed i was Sean's really good friend from work so Saturday turned out to be a disaster because we spent most of the day accommodating Sean's mom and dad who are...unique to say the least.

For the past two years i've known that Sean's dad has bipolar disorder. I don't know much about the disorder except that it involves mood swings and depression and episodes of extreme highs and lows. Because I am a very moody person Bipolar disorder has always been a very sensitive subject.  I do know that when i found out his dad was diagnosed with Bipolar it was something i knew Sean was predisposed to. I never wanted to self diagnose him because it's easy to equate someone's short-comings to mental illness. But i can't lie and say that i haven't recognized some of the features of the disorder in him. He even told me once, out of confidence, that he is pretty sure he has it but doesn't want to take medication until he can't function normally.

I probably spent more time with his parents this weekend than with Sean and getting to know them made me understand him so much more. His dad can at times be this jovial, brilliant, charismatic man an in another instant throw a tantrum like a child. Despite what Sean has said about his relationship with his father, his dad was so fucking proud to see Sean graduate.When Sean's dad was good, he was fun to be around. He joked a lot and was considerate. He talked passionately about movies and computers and was focused. Socially, he talked to any and everyone who would listen and had an authority about him that was approachable.

However, in the same breath  he could be sullen and crabby, aloof and downright angry. Both his parents were oblivious to the concept of time but his dad especially regarded it with such indifference that lateness was the norm. He'd get distracted  and that distraction would obsess him and we all would wait patiently until he worked himself out of it.

The worst was his irritability. He'd become irritable about the littlest thing and we'd have to deal with the fallout of it for however long it took him to calm down. The fallout was usually anger directed towards a)inanimate objects b) Sean's mom and/or c) Sean. It was sort of tough to witness because Sean and his mom at times seemed immune to it or worse paralyzed by his dads moodiness. I on the other hand observed with curiosity. It's not to say that his dad moods were the only thing that complicated Saturday being spectacular because it wasn't. His mom is passive and absent-minded and a huge hoarder! Huge. Though they only stayed for four days they packed so much shit their hotel was almost impossible to move around in. And while we were in town she wanted to buy things in bulk because she 'never knew when she was going to need it'. We couldn't go into a store without her buying any and everything.

There were just too many factors against me.

After i agreed to stay we drove back to the hotel so Sean could buy me a plane ticket and extend my hotel reservation. One of the few alone times we had was in the hotel lobby to use their computers and we both agreed that the trip would be a million times better without his parents around. Of course this sentence was short lived because his father came down soon after to ask us what we wanted to do now that I was going to stay the whole day. I had no clue, i'd never been to Chicago before and I really just wanted to spend my birthday alone with Sean. The front desk clerk recommended the Chicago aquamarine and because i am totally into sea life i was ecstatic about the idea.

Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there  we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.

Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.

We decided to eat at a Italian restaurant and for a brief moment when his parents went to use the restroom it was just Sean and I. And it felt nice. I literally told him that as we were settling into our seats and looking outside the window. I told him that I missed 'this'. The one on one and just time with him. He apologized again for his parents and dinner was spent dealing with another one of his dad's meltdown this time because Sean's mom couldn't decide what she wanted to eat and his dad dropped a fork.

We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.

The trip wasn't anything like i expected. Not even because there wasn't any sex. I really just wanted to discuss us and what we're doing and how long we are going to continue as is. I didn't want definite answers but i desperately wanted and on some part thought i deserved something. And while Sean is definitely more mature, i could see that he still doesn't know what he wants.

The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.

And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly  because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him. 

My job at the university is pretty awesome. I usually have little to no work to accomplish during the four hours i am in the office. Of course on the one day when i want to update the rest of my weekend shenanigans I am backed up with shit to print for professors. Like i haven't had a free moment to myself in hours. Argh.

If i make it out alive today i'll finish up the post from yesterday and  relay everything that has happened since i left Chicago. 

Molly, You in Danger Girl.

I must warn you that there is no way this post will adequately express my trip to see Sean this weekend in Chicago.

No Way.

 It was at times everything I could have asked for and a complete and utter disaster that had little to do with Sean or I but with every other factor against me and my attempt to....have sex.

Where do I begin.

Kat and her boyfriend drove me to the airport early Thursday morning and asked me a billion questions about the trip and what I planned on doing while I was there. I made it pretty clear to them that my main aim was to see Sean graduate and then hold him hostage for the next two days in my hotel room. It's as simple as that. Without being too vulgar or crude, Sean hasn't been able to 'do' much of anything these last two months. Boot camp has a huge no sex policy and he, surprisingly, abstained from self love. Because this boy has a huge sex drive I was prepared and looking forward to our weekend. Very much so.

The problem with this plan began to unravel as soon as  I arrived in Chicago and checked into my hotel room. The room was gorgeous! King sized bed, pull out coach, huge tub and a flat screen tv. There was ample closet space for the dresses I packed and I spent the first 20 minutes jumping on the bed. The hotel room had the perfect it's about to 'go down' atmosphere. After I tired myself out from jumping on the bed, I noticed that the only unusual thing in my room was a door that seemed to lead to nowhere. It was smack in the middle of my room and the room next door.  I was a little puzzled but ignored the door because it had a lock on it.

After a small nap, I am startled by a strange knock on the mystery door. Not just a random knock but a procession of answer the door knocks. Because it was my first time traveling by myself to Chicago I start to panic. I duck behind the bed, as if it was my shield, and hold my breath because in my mind if I pretend I'm invisible the noise will go away. As soon as the knocking stops I emerge slowly from my hiding place only for my phone to ring. It's Sean dad and he asks if  I can hear knocking in my room, I start freaking out cause my first thought is, "how can they hear the knock". I say yes and he tells me it's because it's them knocking! Our rooms are right next to each other.

Asaywhat.

When Sean's dad found out we had booked rooms in the same hotel he called the hotel to see if we could get adjoining rooms. When he spoke to the front desk person earlier in the week he was informed that it was unlikely they'd be able to accommodate the room situation in time. At the last minute though, they were able to find two rooms next to each other! How fucking awesome.

When I open the door there Sean's parents on the other side smiley brightly at the girl they have no clue is trying to have sex with their son (because of course they just know me as Sean's really good friend from work). For the next few hours his parents and I go out to eat and then crash in their room so we can watch a movie. We decide to call it an early night because the graduation started at 7am Friday morning and we wanted to get there early enough to get good seats.

As soon as I get into my hotel I do a silent scream/cry! While I knew his parents were going to be at the graduation and that we would of course spend time with them, I was not planning on having adjoined rooms. I was not planning on this trip being family friendly. I packed lacy underwear and short short skirts. I was equipped with protection and lust. Lots of lust. And NOW here I was a door knock away from his mom and dad. His PARENTS. I couldn't even fathom kissing yet alone having sex with this boy while his parents were within earshot, especially because they don't know anything of Sean and I's complicated as fuck relationship.

Regardless I thought maybe the weekend would be salvageable and that perhaps we would have a few hours to ourselves.

But of course....that never happened.

Friday comes and we get to the Naval Base bright and early. The ceremony was beautiful and patriotic and I looked freaking adorable in my polka dot dress and heels. His parents and I pose for a bunch of pictures before the ceremony and then take our seats next to this adorable girl named Jo and her fiancé's father who are attending the big day. Jo, who once again is very young, ask me who my sailor is and how long we've been together. I look to his parents quickly and try to come up with a proper way to answer the question but luckily the ceremony starts and I am able to dodge the question.

During the ceremony it was pretty hard making Sean out amongst the other tall, white, bald guys. In his previous letter he said he would be performing in the color guard (flag  holder) and that he'd be holding the Mississippi State Flag. Of course when the color guard comes up, Mississippi looks nothing like Sean but because everyone sort of looked alike I snapped a bunch of pictures of Mississippi until I was positive it wasn't Sean. Throughout the ceremony we could barely distinguish one sailor from another but halfway through I spotted him and my stomach did that stupid flutter thing. At one point, each division was able to pose for photos before the ceremony and his dad managed to get onto the auditorium floor and snap photos of Sean. When Sean didn't see me next to his parents he mouthed 'where's Beckett" and I can't lie and say I didn't get a little choked up.

Anyway, after the ceremony the sailors who would remain in Chicago for the next six months got to meet their guests in the auditorium for an hour before going back to the base to move their belongings to their training school. The processing would take about four hours but afterwards family and friends would get to return to the base and pick their sailors up for what is deemed Liberty Weekend.  Luckily Sean's was one of those sailors and immediately after the ceremony ended he was able to find us in the bleachers where we got to hug and congratulate him. He looked amazing in his navy blue Sailor outfit and white cap. After his parents got to hug him I sort of just draped myself over his shoulders and told him I wouldn't let go for a really long time and that I was proud of my sailor.

The reunion is pretty short lived and Sean has to rush back to the barracks (not sure it's called that but whatever) to pack his belongings. I can tell there is a million things he wants to say to me and there a billion things I want to say to  him but the thing about his parents being there, that I quickly learn, is that we are on their time and their concept of time is royally fucked. Sean tells us that he should be ready by 2pm but that he'll give us a call to let us know where and when exactly he needs to be picked up.

His parents and I decide to grab lunch and then linger around the hotel until Sean is ready to be picked up. On the way back to the hotel I post a picture of Sean from graduation and tag him on facebook so everyone can see. What I was not expecting was his girlfriend to call his parents literally a minute after I post because bitch didn't know I was showing up to the graduation. She asks how everyone is doing, excluding me of course, and then begins to come up with every excuse as to why she couldn't go. She had school. She had tutoring. She had finals. I can hear her a little through the phone but not enough to take in everything.

The kicker comes when she tells his parents over the motherfucking phone, just minutes after Sean has just graduated from the Navy.... that her grandmother just had a massive stroke and is now blind in one eye!!!! Granny just had a stroke? is blind in one eye? can't get out of bed? may die soon? Oh, and the pet pigeon she had died last week! What the hell!!!! What the fucking hell! For all the shit I give this girl for being dumb she played her cards well. I can't compete with a blind grandma. Of course his parents are very sympathetic and extend their condolences. While I am not a heartless person I am too suspicious about the story to give a shit because of all the times to lay this information on his parents and possibly Sean...that day and time wasn't the best.

So now, I am fuming in the car. Fuming! His parent's wonder if they should break the news to Sean or allow him to call his girlfriend so she can tell  him over the phone. I am caught between anger and hysterics. I want to laugh and scream because not only do I have to deal with his parents, and the room situation but now my horny sailor may be too racked with grief for TLC.

Motherfucking sitcom my life is.

Sean calls about two hours later letting us know that we can pick him up. Now, the ceremony ended at 10am. Sean called at 1:30pm. We didn't get to Sean until 4pm because his parents literally have no concept of time. Literally. I was already dressed and ready to pick the boy up and they couldn't find their shoes, wanted to google something, saw a commercial for sneakers, had to stop at Walmart  for paper. It was insane.

On the way to the new base we got lost several times because his dad's GSP system hated us. All they can talk about is blind grandma and how upset Sean is going to be when he hears the news. All I can think about is how upset I am that on my last night in town I won't get the time I thought I would have with the boy. When we pick Sean up, he is pissed because we are almost 3 hours late. While his parents initial plan is to avoid the grandma thing his dad says 'so did you hear about {terrible gf's }grandma. Surprisingly Sean shrugs, says 'yea she told me weeks ago' and then asks where we are going for dinner.

THIS BITCH purposefully waited until the day of, after I posted his picture on FB to tell his parents her grandma had a stroke. She had weeks to call them and let them know what was going on and instead  saved this conversation for Friday. I was livid.

As we are in the car Sean learns that I am only staying Friday and that in the morning I will be on a plane back to New York. He gets very upset and asks why I'm not staying longer. I'm a little confused because in the letter I sent him before I got up there I told him I was only going to stay until Friday because I wasn't sure who else was coming and I didn't want to be a third wheel.

When his parents are out of earshot the boy pleads for me to stay. He says he needs for me to stay. he wants us to spend my birthday together and that it would make him the happiest person alive if I stay until Sunday. Of course I am freaking out because I can't afford to stay an extra day. I can't change my plane reservation or afford an extra night at the hotel. My mom would kill me if I stayed an extra day. I would have to cancel on everyone I made plans with to stay with him. It's a terrible, horrible idea. But I haven't seen this boy in two months.  Two months and outside of wanting to have sex with him, I crave being around him. I want to talk and cuddle and figure shit out. And he looks so damn good in the navy uniform.

We have to drop him off at the base around 9:30 and he makes me promise that i'll think about staying an extra day. He'll pay for my plane ticket back if i'll just stay. I tell him I'll think about it and then we say our goodbyes.

And in less than 12 hours I have to decide whether to stay in Chicago with Sean and his crazy parents or fly back to New York in time to spend my birthday with my Best Friend?

I am still trying to decide if the decision I ended up making was the right one....

To be continued of course.

~Beckett

P.S. Of course I stayed in Chicago for an extra day.

My Sailor

[photo removed]

Today's the Day

 I'm heading to Chicago today! I'm nervous as shit. I've packed and re-packed a million times. My mom has worried call about 2 million. Regardless in a few hours I'll be in Illinois and tomorrow morning the boy and I reunite after 2 months apart. 

This trip is going to be interesting if anything else. 

So wish me luck on this following my heart thing. It's impulsive and may end in heartache but it'll be a battle wound I'm okay with. 

I'll update as much as I can

~Beckett 

Update: landed in Chicago! It's effing cold but my hotel is awesome 

Got a call from Sean today!

He is officially a Sailor. A Sailor.

Our conversation lasted only a few minutes. He sounded tired and coughed a lot on the phone but hearing his voice after 2 whole months without it put to ease all of my fears concerning my impending trip.

I leave this Thursday to see him. He said he doesn't want to do much accept spend the whole weekend holed up in a hotel with me.

I am over the moon excited. I have not seen or talked to or touched this boy in a very long time and I plan on doing all of that and more with him this weekend.

This may be the best and most devastating birthday ever.

...and the frustrations continue

Dearest Sean,               

I apologize in advance if this letter is uber short and curt but i wasn’t planning on writing again due to your graduation being [    ] days away.  I am little pressed for time but hopefully you’ll get this letter before [   ] and can sort out some things accordingly. On Saturday your dad called to tell me he’d just gotten a letter from you and was surprised though happy that i am going to your graduation. He was very nice and seemed excited about the three of us getting to see you ‘cross the stage’ but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to actually see you graduate if i am not on the list of people who can attend. SO per his request he wanted me to make sure that have changed the names to reflect that your mom, dad and I will be in attendance because on your  initial form letter I, of course, am not listed. This is VERY  important and though i am pretty sure you are aware of this it would be a huge bust and disappointment if i got there and wasn't even allowed to step on the base yet alone see you graduate.
               Coincidentally your parents and I booked rooms at the same hotel and your mom and dad offered me a ride with them to Chicago instead of having to spend a lot of money on a plane. Unfortunately my ticket is non-refundable so i’m still flying up on [   ] but your dad did offer to pick me up from the airport, if the weather isn’t crappy. He said he wants to take you out for a steak dinner because it’s tradition or something so plan on eating a hearty meal after you are settled in your new living quarters. I was able to re-book my hotel under your dad’s name so i could use his AA discount so im only paying $150 for a 2 night stay instead of $180. I must admit I’m actually pretty glad your parents are going to Chicago as well because i was a little nervous about traveling by myself.

 I do feel sort of bad and weird however that your gf and her mom can’t attend. Especially because they were the two people listed on the initial form letter as your official graduation guests. Your dad said your gf was busy with school or exams or tutoring so she wouldn’t be able to make it. Which of course makes sense but it still feels a little weird being the ‘filler’ on a day that’s so important for you. Don’t get me wrong i’m excited to be invited, even if secondarily, but it is a little disheartening planning this trip knowing i wasn’t the intended invitee. I feel like the replacement prom date who wasn’t the first choice but who’ll do because it’s last minute. I wish i would have been privy to the graduation information a little earlier to save myself this last minute rush.  Cause i def would have agreed to go months in advance (and made arrangements‘) if i knew going was option. Right now the planning and packing has been a little stressful and everyone has not been as supportive of me going as i imagined.

As of now my mom, Kat and your parents are the only ones on board with me going, the very select  few I’ve told have had choice words with me and have made me feel like a fucking fool for attending. I wasn’t prepared to have to defend my decision to see you to our friends but it seems to be the case.  I hope that my attendance is because you sincerely want me there, it’s sort of the only good thing i’m riding on. Regardless of anyone’s opinion and concerns, I’m still going to go and am very excited to see you but PLEASE don’t forget to add my name to the list or i’m literally forking over [$$$$$] to see you for a minute or two. Sorry for having to send this letter to reiterate this (I mailed you a letter on Saturday before i spoke with  your dad and the post office was closed Sunday and today due to the holiday) but your parents seemed pretty concerned that i wouldn’t be allowed on the base if the names you listed on the Form Letter didn’t reflect your current invite list. 

Anyway, i am going to keep this letter short. You may have already seen that there are two letters in the package. [     ] felt bad for not writing you  so i offered to send her letter in the same package so she wouldn’t have to pay for postage. It just seemed easier to send ours together because i’ve noticed a delay in when you receive your mail and i knew if she sent it via regular mail you would never get it.  Have no fear, I didn’t read what she wrote as i want to respect her privacy and yours. If you do write her back though try not to mention our correspondence. The first thing your dad said to me was “you wrote Sean [  ] pages!” and it was sort of hard to explain that I’d written you multiple letters that accumulated to a lot of pages. I haven’t told [   ] that I’ve been writing you and I know she would give me more grief if she knew I was. She’d kill me if she knew how many pages i’ve written since you’ve been gone. So yea, try not to tell her anything.

As for getting people to send your more letters…I understand wanting to post your address on facebook but i don’t feel comfortable giving everyone access to your mailing address on a social networking site because of the provisions you have: like NO PORN. When it comes to [   ] or [   ] or [   ]or [   ] i don’t mind giving them your address because it’s one person but posting it on facebook seems like a bad idea because anyone who looks you up will have it. And it’s not my place to moderate what people can send you. I figure you could give me a list of the friends you’d like to me to give your address to (and i could email them privately) OR when you are able to have access to the computer or phone you will be able to give that information to whomever you want so my letters aren’t the only things filling up your box. I know it must be annoying to get mail from me and i apologize. I’m sure you want to hear from other people as well. So if you definitely want snail mail from your friends just let me know which option works best. For your privacy though it just seemed a little unsafe to post your business on the interwebs for any and everyone to see.

 I’m sorry if the tone of the letter is a little less “Beckett-esque It’s hard not being able to have direct communication with you sometimes and today especially it feels like i am relaying information from a million different people in this letter. In this case i wish i could just call you up and say ‘hey don’t forget this, yadda yadda yadda….’ Because it’d be a lot easier. I know this letter may come off as a little angry or frustrated in tone and i am sincerely sorry about that. I was sort of surprise though elated to get another letter from you this weekend because there is a HUGE  part of me, the only important part, that has been so happy these last 8 weeks being able to write you stupid silly letters and send words of encouragement so that you don’t feel alone while  you are away. I know how it is to be surrounded by things that aren’t familiar. I know how it feels to be alone in a strange though exciting place. And I wanted to make sure that if you didn’t have anyone else you at least had me to provide you with a  connection to home. It has given me a sense of purpose and like the journals has made me feel closer to you.

But then there is this other small part that worries that I am just filling  in again for a role that isn’t mine to step in on. And i wonder if i am setting myself up to be swept under a rug where my efforts aren’t fully appreciated. I want you to be happy but there is still apart of me that is like ‘what more can i do’ before i throw my hands up and just back off.  It’s akin to being in a group project and you are the only one who has done all the work and it’s frustrating and hard but you want to get a good grade so you take on everyone’s role despite how frustrating it is. And when you get that “A” it doesn’t feel great because you know you were the only one who put a 100% in it but you’ll never get the recognition for it. And  tonight that reality is a ache i can’t shake. After your last letter, i sort of feel like that girl in the group project and it’s bums me out a little. So i do apologize. I don’t want you to think im not grateful or excited about seeing you. Because I am. I’m hella excited.  I just wish…idk, never-mind, it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, i just want you to do well and I want you to be happy and i hope you are able to get that from the people you want to be apart of your life. Even if it isn’t necessarily me.  I hope you enjoy [   ] letter. I’ll try to get some more ‘fan mail’ so your division mates can  think and see that you’re the shit. Don’t worry about calling me if you can’t. I wasn’t even expecting you to actually write me back so i definitely don’t expect a phone call.  I’m sure there are other people you’d prefer to talk to so i definitely won’t take offense if i don’t hear anything from you until the day of your graduation. Good luck with your final tests and exams. I know [    ] is coming up pretty soon so you betta get those boys into shape because it’s all teamwork. Find your weakest link and encourage him to do better. Inspire him. You are good at this.  I know you’ll do fine, you always surprise me.  See you soon Sailor.  I look forward to graduation and a steak dinner.


Yours,


Beckett 

So...

I'm sort of going to Chicago for my birthday to see the boy officially become a US Sailor.






Holy Shit

Letters from the Midwest

Lets start from the end. On Sunday Sean called from boot camp and I missed his call because i was at work.

Cue the crying and anxiety attack.

My weekend was not as eventful as planned. Kathleen was not feeling well on Wednesday and by Friday night she called and said she probably wouldn't feel up to hanging out on Saturday which was sort of okay with me because I wanted to spend the morning in bed anyway. I still had tentative plans with my new friend at work and then I had to help my aunt pack because she is moving...once again. 

I spent much of Saturday morning watching Orphan Black and working out via my dance games on the Xbox. By four i hadn't heard anything from New Friend so i figured those plans were shelved and continued lounging in my room. Then it started snowing outside, out of the blue, and my aunt rescheduled the whole packing thing because she didn't want me to travel in the weather. 

Other people would be disappointed by three cancelled plans in one day but I was the happiest girl alive. I didn't get out of my pajama's once. I kicked ass on my dancing game and am displaying some dangerously good moves and becoming fit in the process. I don't think I've been this in shape...since ever. Getting older is awesome in that regard. There is something incredible happening to my body. I am lean and toned and things are 'falling' into place in a magical way. I love. Plus, while i understand needing to get out there and hang with my friends on my first day off in a long while, i kind of wanted to be myself.

Plans for Sunday however were still a a go. I requested to work at morning shift at  Le Sad store so i could head over to Michelle's house for the Sherlock Holmes viewing party afterwards. As the day went on though i was growing a little anxious. Ever since Sean left for boot camp i carry my phone with me all the time. Though a part of me is not expecting him to contact me at all while he is away there is another part of me that hopes that he will. And because i am not sure when or if the call will come i have my phone on me like an expectant father days close to the birth of his first child.

Of course i haven't heard anything from the boy since he left. And while i was hoping he'd reach out to me the last two weeks carrying my phone with me during work has been more of a pain than a necessity. But nevertheless it is always on me.

I had a small break around 3:30 and went to talk to my manager about changing my schedule at work. When i'm down with both i look down at my phone and there is a fucking missed call from the midwest, where the boy is training! I am hysterical when i see the missed call. Hysterical. I didn't feel my phone vibrate, i didn't hear it ring...nothing. And the one day i decided to not check my phone every 15 minutes for his call...it's Sean. It's the boy. He called me from bootcamp.

Luckily he left a voicemail but for some reason i am unable to listen to it. My phone decides to be a dick and won't let me access the voicemail at all. I call my mom and tell her how upset i am about the whole thing because i may not be able to talk to him again and i fucking missed the most important call. She tries to calm me down but i am already too far gone. I end up going to my friend at work, the very very platonic one, and tell him that i am crushed that i missed his phone call and anxious that this was my first and last chance at speaking with him. Platonic friends sees how upset i am and calmly tells me that when it comes to Sean he'll find a way to contact me. The boy is resilient and doesn't give up so if he reached out once he'll reach out again.

And for some reason these words are very comforting and i try not to let the missed call ruin my night. When i get to Michelle's house i'm a better spirits but still a little bummed. I attempt to listen to the voicemail again and suddenly it works! He leaves me a lengthy voicemail. He tells me that he is doing okay and that he misses me and that he hopes that i will write him beautiful things like i did in the journal i gave him for christmas. He says he thinks of me and that i am a constant good in his life and he thinks i'm amazing. He said all of this! I almost cry in front of Michelle and everyone else as i am listening to the voicemail ( i had on my headphones so i was the only one who could hear what he said) and i replayed it one more time just to make sure i hadn't imagined it.

He ends the voicemail by telling me his graduation is on my birthday and that i should expect a letter in the mail. Ya'll i'm so happy. I don't know why. This boy is a piece of 85% of the time and yet i hear his stupid dumb voice say my name and i'm back to feeling the way i feel about him. Though i have yet to receive his letter from the Navy i've already penned him a 9 page one in response. And i may have offered to attend his graduation in March, if he doesn't have anyone who can attend.

I know i am setting myself up for heartbreak. I know. But there is a part of my personality that is reckless. And i'd rather fall to pieces and pick myself up than not know what it feels like to be in like with someone so much everything hurts. So yea, there will be tears and disappointment. But it's a burden i am willing to take.

He said i was amazing. That i was good. He said my words were beautiful and that he wants more of them. And i don't know, but i want to take my chances with this fucked up boy, just for a little while.

The Girl Who Waited

This weekend calls for me to be social butterfly and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. At all.

Lately, the only place I enjoy being at is my house. in bed. with my finicky cat and dancing games. When I'm not at home under the covers trying to rid my thoughts of the boy, I am struggling to connect to my friends.

I am struggling.

It's weird and slightly pathetic that I placed so much of my own happiness in one person but I did. Especially someone who turned out not to be right for me in any sense. But he has crawled into my skin and I can't go a day without him being a part of my thoughts. I want plans, I want to be happy, I want to  go out with my friends and laugh but I also want him to be a part of those things.

Which even writing that seems stupid and crazy because when he was here he drove me nuts. He wasn't my guy. But when he was around I at least had a grasp on him. I always had my fingertip on the edge of him. And now he feels out of reach because he is physically, emotionally and mentally.

I feel like I have lost him. I have lost the possibility of us. I have lost a tomorrow. Cause relationships, why we keep them why we struggle to have them, are about the future. They are about plans, they are about happenings, they are about the little glimpses of a life you can see having with someone. And when you stop imaging that with a person things tend to fall a part. Cause what's the use of hanging on to something that isn't ever going where you want it to go.

Before he left it's all I kept telling him. That this life he has chosen for himself doesn't include me. I'd like to the girl who waits for him while he is sailing across the world. I'd like to be the person he comes home too. I'd like to be his reason for being safe. I'd like to be a face he falls asleep too. But I'm not. I never was.


At least while he was here, however faulty and fucked up our situation was, I saw a short future with him. I blindly thought I could show him how much I cared about him and he would come to his senses. I thought that he'd go away to boot camp and come back ready to pursue something with the me, the girl he waited. But lately, these are not the thoughts I am having. This is not a future I want to place everything on because the reality is it could not happen.

He will go through boot camp without ever contacting me. I won't get letters from him or the short phone calls telling me about his day. I wont get the invitation to graduation or the honor of standing next to my dumb sailor with a proud yet anxious smile on my face. I wont' get any of those things. I wont ever get to be a part of his now or then. And for the last 11 days these thoughts are what I've been hanging on to and mourning and missing the most about him.

It's the realization that our story does not end with me being the girl who waited and  got what she wanted. Instead it is the story of the girl who never was.

I  haven't been able to talk to anyone about Sean or our relationship or why I am so fucking miserable because a part of me doesn't want to and a part of me doesn't know how to. But lately I've been very despondent and just not myself and people are starting to notice. The other night my friend Justin, said I look sad all the time. That for the last month or so I look out of place and lonely. And I don't have a proper response to this because it's true. I am sad. All the time. And I don't know how to un-sad myself.

Luckily, my friends have been very patient with me even though I have been resisting any and all social activities lately. They know I need time but that I also need plans to pull me out of this lull. Kathleen wants us to take up archery and pole dancing next week(the latter is a long story...but it's a thing I have been interested in for a long time). I've made a new friend at work who wants to grab drinks and food this weekend. And Michelle is throwing a Sherlock Holmes party because season 3 is premiering Sunday and she is pretty obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch.

 I am a little overwhelmed by the level of togetherness that will occur this weekend but I can't pause and be sad forever. Right? I can't. And I worry that the longer I stay in this lull the less patient people will be with me. I can't risk losing the people who care about me in favor of a boy who doesn't know how.

Le sigh. Wish me luck.

Sullen Girl

It's been one whole week since Sean left for Boot camp. A whole week since he boarded a plane to the Midwest for nine weeks of Naval Training. A whole week since I tearfully said goodbye to him both in person and on the phone. And in that week I have been moping around like a person in mourning. Outside of wearing black, i am experiencing what feels like a form of grief. Everyone keeps telling me I look sad and sullen and despite my attempts at putting on a brave face, I must admit sad is the only one I've been able to wear well.

Last Wednesday at work Preacher Guy, the married manager Kathleen had an affair with, asked me if I missed Sean. The way he said it though was so fucking annoying "so do you miss your little friend..tee,hee...I bet  you miss him" that  I wanted to gauge his eyes out. It was especially annoying because he knew Sean and I were close. To what extent? no. But he knew we wanted to move in together. He knew that we were closer than work friends. He also gave Sean and I disciplinary write up this summer because our relationship was preventing us from doing our work.

So I was little more than annoyed when he asked me a question he knew the answer too. Instead, I tell him that I just talked to Sean the night before and that missing him hadn't sunk in yet. This must have unnerved Preacher Guy because this motherfucker clears his throat makes a face and says "you never told me Sean had a girlfriend, I wonder if she misses him too" followed by a dumb accusatory grin.

I wanted to cut his fucking face.

 I wanted to walk up to him and whisper that I know he , a married Preacher and manager, hooked up with my best friend because according to him "you only live once". I wanted to punch him in his fucking gut because he of all people doesn't have a right to question my relationship with Sean. I wanted to grab him by the face and tell him if he ever mentions Sean's name again I will destroy him. I will tip the scale of his well manicured life and I will take everything away from him. I will do so with my words. I will destroy him and I will not blink once when the carnage hits the walls. I will spoon feed it to him.

But I don't say or do this.

Instead, I am so caught off by what he said I stammer for words. I say 'sure' Sean has a girlfriend but it's not my place to talk about their relationship now that he isn't here. And then I spend the rest of the night fuming.

My relationship with Sean was very complicated. And luckily I don't have to explain that to anyone except myself. Outside of this blog and the friends I've made here, I don't feel the need to talk about the boy to the people I see on a daily basis. I want him and what I had with him all to myself, mainly because it's hard to describe to other people. It's hard to describe for myself.

December was one of the best and worst times for the boy and I. In November I went home for Thanksgiving and asked the boy if he could drive me to the airport. He agreed but accused me of nagging him about it when I kept reminding him that I had to be there super early so I wouldn't miss my plane. After one such argument I told him I would let him take the reigns on getting me to the airport. I would stop nagging him. He spent that night at my house, we got little to no sleep cause I was angry at him about using my phone to call his gf and in the morning he refused to leave until he got breakfast.

When we get to the airport Sean drops me off and says he has to run because his gf said he could come over to her house on a Monday of all days. I'm not even on the curb before he speeds off before she changes her mind. When I go to claim my ticket I'm informed that my plane has already boarded and will be leaving without me. I start crying and I call Sean cause I don't know what to do. He says he can't do anything for me and that he dropped me off like he said he would but that it's not his fault I missed the plane.

What the fuck.

I only had a few moments of pure panic before my fight or flight response kicked in. I hang up on Sean immediately. Went back to ticket claims, got re-routed to another plan to South Carolina and made it home eventually. When I get home my mom is pissed at Sean. My brother is pissed at Sean. Everyone at work who sent me 'are you okay, we heard what happened texts' is pissed at Sean (Because he should have never left the airport in the first place. He should have made sure I was all set to go before he sprinted. I would have missed the plane either way but I would have had support while I waited 5 hours).

 Sean called a million times while I was home but I avoided his calls and put this in the 'this boy is really a piss of shit' pile. When I arrived back in New York he was super apologetic but in the back of my mind I kept thinking 'if I had been anyone else' that boy would have got me there on time.

For the bulk of December our bad days revolved around the Thanksgiving shenanigans and other Sean is a douche behavior.  He'd do or say something idiotic that would cause me to feel replaceable or small or insignificant and I'd blow up at him because in his last month before he joined the Navy I wanted all of him and he was still only willing to give me so little.

And I'm not going to lie, I was a pain in the ass some of the days. My jealousy and envy were on an all time high. I felt like I was competing with a million and one people (mainly his gf) for his attention and care. And even when he gave it to me it didn't feel like that was enough because he'd act like our relationship was normal. But it wasn't. It was a little sexual but definitely emotional and Sean seemed to diminish the validity of how intimate being emotionally attached to someone is because I don't think he's every been emotional vulnerable before.

And even now I feel crazy because it felt like we were dating even though we weren't. We hung every day, he called every night before I went to bed to make sure I didn't have bad dreams. He spent nights at my house watching movies and internet porn. There was touching and innuendo's. There was crying and honest talk. There were missed opportunities and talks of the future. We went out with friends together, he'd pick me up at my house so we could then meet with everyone else. I hung out with his parents. We planned on spending Christmas together.

But there was also weekly screaming matches and name calling. There was the night I ran from his car and he looked all over town for me and when he found me he cursed me out in the middle of the street and drove me home. There were constant reminders, from him, that he still was with his girlfriend. His last night at work we got into the biggest fight ever, he said I was the most annoying person he'd ever met and I said 'annoying because I want you to treat me like a person".  When things were bad they were bad and when things were good they were great but there was no in-between because we weren't dating.

Before he left last Tuesday for the Navy we hung out at my place and exchanged late Christmas presents. He bought me the box set of a show we watched at his house this summer and I gave him a leather wallet with his favorite quote and a journal of my thoughts. It was a journal of everything. I told him that I loved him. I asked him to stay. I said goodbye and then he took off this necklace he was wearing and gave it to me because it's his favorite thing and he wanted me to have it. He called the next night to talk and then the day he left for Illinois he called me from the hotel to say goodbye again.

The last two weeks he was home I was in constant contact with him. And now he is gone. And it feels weird. I feel alone. I miss him a lot and no one around me is able to make whatever I feel go away. There is a part of me that wonders how he is handling basic training. I wonder if he is sleeping well, because he doesn't. I wonder if his back is okay, because It hasn't been. I wonder if how he is handling the homesickness, because he's never been away from home before. Before he left I told i worried about this most of all because he'd never been alone before and as someone who has it something to adjust to.

I keep having dumb dreams regarding the distance. I miss the sound of his voice before he wished me goodnight. I miss seeing him at work. I hate not having plans. I don't miss the feeling of being alone. Not one bit but I've withdrawn a little from anyone who has offered company. Instead i've been spending a lot of time sleeping and playing Just Dance 4. I keep looking at my phone hoping it'll ring so i'll hear his stupid dumb voice. But I know that won't happen not for a while or maybe not at all.

 Mainly I've been in turmoil because this could be it for me and the boy. However fucked up our relationship was it was...something. It felt like something and now he's going to be away for 2 months. He is going to be a sailor for the United States Navy. When he was here I barely had a grasp on him and all I can think is that when he gets out, before being deployed wherever, he won't be coming home to me. And there is a part of me wanted more than anything for me to be the person he was returning home to.

There is also a part of me that hopes while Sean is in basic training he'll come to his senses and realize that I was something good in his life. That he loves me and wants to be with my fully. Buuuuut, the realistic part of me knows he has had every opportunity to realize this before he left. I feel awful and anxious pining for a boy that won't choose me when he returns. The more probable outcome is that he will graduate from basic training, return to his fucked up flakey relationship where not much is required from him and I will be without him. And this is why I am sullen and sad. Because the longer he is gone the dimmer the possibility of me and him becomes. It feels like whatever life I envisioned for us left with him and I feel stupid that I gave him everything. I gave him all of me and it feels like I have nothing left.

I know this feeling wont last for long. But for now it's a dull ache I can't shake.

The Last of Us.

The boy is gone. Tonight was our last goodbye before he heads off to the Navy Tuesday.

I don't know how i feel right now.

Relieved. Sad. Disappointed. Happy.

I gave him a journal tonight of my thoughts about everything....everything. it was my last Christmas gift to him because there has been so many things I've wanted to say and couldn't.

It's personal and raw, unflinching and unforgiving but i wanted to give it to him so that i could be at peace with our relationship. So that if this is our last goodbye, he knows everything.

The boy is gone.

Gone.

And i'm not sure how to deal.

7 more days :(

I know this is for the better. Him leaving and such so I can reclaim myself and life. But he is making it hard. Spending this much time together makes it harder to pretend I'm ready for him to leave.

-Beckett 

Reasons I've been Away

This motherfucker has been taking up most of my free time.

He officially signed up for the Navy and we have less than 3 weeks before he is off to Basic Training.

Things between us continue to be up in the air. He is not my friend. He is not my boyfriend but he takes up the space in between and I am trying with all of my might to squeeze in as much time with him before he leaves.

I am anxious about him leaving. Despite the heartache he has put me through the last several months it will be weird not having him around come January. It's hard to explain, or maybe it isn't. I love him. Sometimes more platonically than romantically. Sometimes more romantically than platonically. I know that being around him hurts as much as not being around him. I have stupid ideas of him in my head where he finally comes to his senses and commits himself to me fully. Where I am enough and we can be together as I'd like us to be.

But there is another part of me that is relieved that once he is away I will have a much easier (or harder depending on the day) time getting over him. He has consumed my life this past year and I have put everything on hold for him. Our relationship is not healthy at all. I tend to feel insignificant around him and most of our arguments have been about this. I hate having to fight for  his attention. I hate being so dependent on him to make me feel special. But he has gotten inside my head enough where his perception of me matters enough that I have put everything on hold. So there is a part of me that needs him to go away so that I can click the "go' button and move on.

The last few weeks he has been nervous about joining the Navy. He won't tell anyone but I can see it in his face. He looks terrified and unsure. He is short tempered and trying to squeeze in as much as he can before Boot Camp. He is trying to convince himself that if the next few weeks can be filled with fun than the actuality of his situation will not matter. But it doesn't. He is going to the Navy. He is going to be deployed. He will be away from home for days that will turn into months that will become years. And people will move on without him. He will move on without us.

I am struggling to hang on to what time I have left. Last night, where this awful grainy but perfect picture was taken, we went to a bar with friends and watched wrestling. He was tired and grumpy and a little sad but I tried to lighten the mood a little. He ended up having a good time but in the back of my mind I knew this would be the last of our wrestling outings. And for every happy moment we have it is masked under sadness.

He put in his two weeks this weekend and he flies out January 6th for Illinois. I will resume blogging soon after but for now I just want to spend the next few weeks with this stupid ashat of a boy. I am composing a journal for him as a Christmas gift, detailing the last few weeks together. It's stupid and sentimental but most of my writing time has been devoted to that.

If I am not on before Christmas I want to wish you all a happy holiday season. And thank you, for sticking with me and the craziness that is my life.

~Beckett 

I told Sean I had a nightmare about hell the other night.

I told him this because we were talking about dreams and i had one about one of his cats. I then mentioned, the hell one, because it's the second one i've had this year.

He looked at me and said he knew why i was having dreams about Hell.

I asked him why.

He said he didn't want to tell me because I would get upset.

I said i wouldn't get upset. I pinky swore.

So he says:

Sean: Maybe you were visiting somewhere there. Maybe the dream is representing a place someone you love currently resides

Me: ???? who would i be visiting in hell ????

Sean: Well, you know, i mean, your best friend did kill herself---according to the bible---

Me: (complete shock and utter disgust)

Sean: You said you wouldn't get mad

Me: You just said my best friend is in hell because she killed herself

Me: (hysterical crying)

Sean: (silence)

The Halloween Party

On Saturday Kat, our friend Chantal and I attended Justin (and his gf's) Halloween party and the night was interesting to say the least.

A month ago Justin's GF, who use to work art the store, invited a handful of us to Justin's Birthday/Halloween/Housewarming Party. There relationship has evolved quicker than anything I have ever seen in my whole entire life. In the span of a year they've casually hung out, started dating and now live together in a one bedroom apartment with a cat. But they are happy and their relationship works. Out of everyone at that store they seem to have the most functioning relationship. It makes me sick how happy they are. Kidding of course.

Anyway, It became apparent that the party was an invite only sort of thing because out of the +45 people who work at Le Sad Store, only 7 of us were invited: Me, Kat, Chantal, Annoying Guy, Sean, Sean's Cousin and his gf. So I knew I couldn't bail because he only invited people he considers his friends from work and I'm sort of honored to be this kids friend.

Justin is an interesting guy. He wants everyone to think he's an asshole but underneath he's the most considerate and thoughtful person I have ever met. We became friends over shared grief ( his ex gf's committed suicide) and since then we've had a weird relationship. He constantly pokes fun at me about everything and I antagonize him back. To other people it probably looks like we just tolerate each other for the sake of work but I consider him a good friend. We've hung out at diners and gone video game shopping together. He bought me Grand Theft Auto because I was having a shitty week. I am constantly making sure that he has ginger ale around because of his bad stomach. And there was that one time we stopped to take pictures of Ferris Wheels.

He is my proof that while male/female friendships are damn near impossible they can work. So when he invited us to this Halloween/Birthday party I couldn't say no. This boy has done more for me than any other person and I didn't want to let him down. A few days before the party I told him that I was excited and nervous to be going. He asked why and I told him that I don't really do social gatherings. He then reminded me of all the times I bailed on him in the beginning of our friendship and I felt all guilty and stupid because there have been instances when I could have hung out with him and I decided not to because he wasn't Sean or Kat.

Justin asked me if I was going to be alright with Sean being there and I shrugged and said 'of course, why wouldn't I'. Of course Justin and I bought knew I was lying but he didn't press me on the subject. The last month on the Boy front has been -meh. After the yelling match in his car, we've been very cautious around each other. Though I want to punch him in his face every time I see him I try, as best as I can, to keep calm around him. I am polite and friendly. I am funny and present. I am surfacing around him. I am skirting the edge of the surface though I know at any moment I am going to fall through.

But he is a wall. A wall. Any attempt to get through to him has been met with blank stares and a cold exterior. Outside of the brief glimpse of something I saw in the car that night the boy is impenetrable. He is Sean, aloof and not too bright  And I don't expect to know what is going on in his head but I'd like a glimpse. I'd like to know he felt something. And there have been many days where this aspect of Sean has driven me crazy and I lash out at him. But because I can't say what I really want to say I end up getting angry over something small and blowing it out of proportion.  Most nights I go home after an interaction with him and I am a mess of tears and anxieties.

And i guess my behavior and hurt feelings stem from the fact that he was my first Boy and I miss what he was before shit went down. I miss how it was before he rejected me. I miss feeling the potential and possibility with him. Because it was there. It's hard to explain and even write without getting a little upset. I don't ever want to belong to another human being. That is unrealistic. But that doesn't mean that I don't wanted to be needed by someone. it doesn't mean that I don't wish to matter to someone wholly. And in some weird way i wanted companionship with Sean. I wanted him to be my other half. I wanted him to be my significant.

And love/attraction/affection it makes you delusional. It enables you to create things from scraps. It amplifies moments and feelings and emotions that you otherwise would not validate or put so much weight into. It shields you from darkness, if only for a little while. And because of this I didn't care how messy my situation with Sean was because out of the scraps I had something. And up until him, I didn't have anything.

So yea, the last few months have been hard. Harder than I'd like to admit. Because he not only rejected me but he rejected the 'us' i envisioned. He blew the scraps I was clinging to right out of my hand. So naturally when Justin told me he invited Sean to the Halloween party I mentally and emotionally panicked. Every irrational fear popped into my head: that he would show up and ignore me, that he wouldn't show up but mainly I worried that he would bring his GF. Because while I am pretty sure he has made up every thing about her, her existence makes me nervous. Recently I've been having dreams about her, except in them she is always a ghost or a shadow or a person we talk about but who isn't real. And in my waking life I have been curious about this girl because in my mind she is either awful and Sean is a fucking liar. Or she is...better than me. In every way.

Nevertheless, I was prepared to go to the party,fears aside, and just have a good time with my friends. This year was easy on the costume front. I decided to be cat woman (or my version of her) and spent less than $40 on the costume. Kat went as the female version of Rick Grimes from the walking dead and Chantal decided she would be a slutty vampire.

On Saturday as I was getting dressed Sean called and wanted to know when I was going to be there. At the last minute he decided he wanted to go and that he fixed my whip for the costume (long story) and would bring it to the party. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a little bit excited that he was going to be there. Cause I was. But I promised Kat that I wouldn't ditch her to hang out with him all night and to be honest with how things have been I didn't want to give him any attention.

We showed up at the party an hour late (short story. we got lost) and then awkwardly waited outside a house we weren't sure was his. One of us called him and told him to meet us in the driveway and a few minutes later Justin and Sean came outside to greet us. I was sort of surprised to see Sean come out with Justin to meet us. He was dressed in a Star Trek outfit and Justin as a character from the game Bioshock. Sean seemed very glad to see 'us', Justin gave us hugs and then walked us up the driveway to his basement apartment.

The house was packed with about 10-15 people and I naturally found my place in a corner. After a few introductions here or there, drinks were poured and chattering began and I tried to 'ignore' Sean or at least let his face blend into the crowd. But after about 30 minutes of socializing talking to a girl dressed as an adorable leopard, I couldn't help but look around to see if I could spot Sean in the crowd. But it wasn't that hard to find him. As soon as I turned my head away from Adorable Leopard I catch Sean sitting on the edge of the couch, drink in head, starring directly at me. Like intensely.  As if he was lost in the sight of me. I am not exaggerating this. I wish that I was. I'm glad that i'm not. He was starring so hard I thought maybe he had willed me to turn around with his brain.

He was starring at me as if he was surprised by the sight of me. It's hard to explain. It was impassioned and direct so much that that i forgot Adorable Leopard was talking to me. He quickly realized that i'd caught him staring and turned back to the group of people he was talking to. I turned to Kat to see if she'd seen what I saw but she didn't. A few minutes later I am grabbing some cookies from a table and Sean finally approaches me to say hello. He's all flushed (probably from the alcohol) and wants to know why we were late. I tell him that we got confused and ramble on about google maps not being as accurate as we wanted. But he isn't paying attention, not really, because he can't stop starring at me. I ask him what's up and he mumbles 'oh, nothing, I think your cat ears are crocked". I tell him to fix it for me since I can't see what my ears look like and he fumbles so badly I end up just removing them from my head the rest of the night.

He says he has something for me and then goes to grab this target bag in the corner of the living. He fixed my whip, as best as he could, and says he hopes it works. I, of course, am excited that the boy stuck to his word when he agreed to fix it and I show him the holster on my hip that I can latch the whip to. The rest of the night is very muted and weird between us. A group of us settled into Justin's living room to watch the queue of Halloween movies. His couch can sit four people so Kat, Chantal, Leopard and I take our rightful spots. There are a few random chairs scattered throughout the room that Sean and Annoying Guy (who gets completely drunk) sit at.

I am sitting on the end of the couch, closest to Sean's chair and he is quiet and reticent during two movies. Kat keeps poking fun at him because Sean is more awkward than she expected. I tell her to stop and then I turn to him and ask if he is okay. He says 'yes' and then looks at the screen again. I ask him if he is having a good time, he says 'yes' and then turns back to the screen. Chantal gets up to go to the kitchen and grab another drink. When she leaves Sean 'casually' moves from his chair and next to me  on the couch but doesn't say much of anything. He asks what I am drinking and I let him smell that vodka/cranberry mix that Chantal made for me. He asks if he can have some and I let him and then he settles back into the couch while I watch his face for any reaction.

When Chantal comes back Sean doesn't want to move but she threatens to kick his ass if he doesn't ( she is much bigger than him), so he gets up and returns to his seat. After awhile I want to go outside for some fresh air. Sean says he'll go with me along with his cousin Steve (who i'm good friends with). Sean is a lot more comfortable and lively outside. We are out there for about 10 minutes when I say that I want to go back inside because i'm cold. Sean and I start making our way to the apartment when Steve asks if he can have a few minutes alone to talk to me. Sean shrugs and says sure and goes inside.

He wanted to talk because a week earlier I was having a shit day at work (he only works the weekend there and put in his two weeks just recently) and I cried in front of him. He asked if everything was okay and I said 'kind of' and then I told him that I was having an issue with a person I trusted. He asked who the person was. I said I couldn't tell him. He guessed that the person in question was either Kat or Sean based on my relationship with them. When I ruled out Kat he seemed kind of surprised that Sean has been the root of my anxiety and depression. He asked why and I told him that I couldn't get into because he's Sean cousin and because the situation is too complicated to explain. I'm not sure if Steve knows what I am alluding to but he seems to pick up quickly. But I am surprised by what he says next.

He goes on to say that he knows that Sean has feelings for me (what?!?!?) but that Sean is hiding behind his relationship with his girlfriend, that is in fact as shitty as I suspected. Steve goes on to say that it isn't even a real relationship but a half assed one that they are both sort of hanging on to out of convenience. He said that Sean is confused about a lot of things, especially what he wants and what is good for him. He then says that I am smart and talented and funny and independent and capable of thinking on my own and that his girlfriend (that one that I am supposedly less than) is none of those things! None of them! But because Sean is so stuck on the idea of her he doesn't listen to anyone around him when they tell him that what they have isn't healthy or normal. Sean has gotten so use to the routine that he is blinded by it. He can't see the good because he's never had it and it frightens him that he could with someone that is not his girlfriend. That someone being me.

MIND FUCKING BLOWN!!!!!

I was too wrapped up in the 'Sean likes you' statement at the time to take in all the other stuff he said but now of course I have analyzed the shit out what Steve said and I am as confused as ever. But also relieved cause Sean's a fucking liar and I am not crazy. Everything he said in the car was defensive

I ask Steve what i was supposed to do if what Sean says and how he feels doesn't match up because i can't wait for him to get his mind straight. But Steve didn't really have an answer for me. He said one day Sean could wake up and be a man or that he won't and he'll keep playing part time relationship with awful girlfriend and making bad decisions and lying to himself cause it's easier than admitting the truth. He said that I should stay away from him though, create distance, not be available to him if he can't be fair to me. He said also said that Sean has a lot of issues unrelated to relationship ones. He is immature and selfish and angry and that there are better guys out there. Especially for a girl like me.

Of course the moment i want Steve to keep telling me things that Sean will never ever say, Sean comes back out and says he has to drive Annoying Guy home because he is stupid drunk and making an ass out of himself. Steve and his gf decide to go with them and when they leave the party i am suddenly overcome with relief and sadness (he calls again, later that night to apologize cause he forgot to give me something else that he thought i'd like for my costume. It's a skull and cross bracelet). What am i supposed to do with this bit of information. A part of me has been jumping up and down like a dumb schoolgirl who just got the news that her crush likes her back. But the other part of me realizes that this boy may not be good for me. He can be awful. He is not nice and worse he continues to lie to me and himself about our relationship.

I refuse to wait around for him. He is using these last few months before he goes to the navy to 'enjoy' himself but 'telling Beckett that i like her' is not on the list of things and the last few days I've been acting weird around him because i know the semi-truth. On Sunday we went to the Bronx to watch wrestling again. This is the first time we've been back to that bar, alone, since July and i was nervous. And he seemed nervous as well. All the other girls there were coupled up with their boyfriends and Sean and I were afraid to even touch either. At one point i went to grab my jacket and I accidentally touched his thigh and he damn near had a heart attack. He asked what i was doing, I told him i was cold, he then moved his jacket over his legs and wouldn't look at me for two matches.

Even if things don't work out with me and this boy, I feel robbed that we haven't had a chance to see what 'us' could look like because he's too scared to act on his feelings. And I'm not brazen enough to put myself out there again.

Pictures from this Weekend

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

Crazy.

And attending Comic Con was just the small end of it. I promise i'll post a real entry soon. I am doing surprisingly well if not slightly overwhelmed and tired. But generally...okay.

Here's a few pictures from this weekend. I may need a whole month to recover:

More to come!