Cutting Ties

Is today "invite all highschools, middleschool, and elementary schools to college" day.

Outside is like a zoo. There is some competition involving robotics, there are high school kids on college tour, and I saw at least 15 elementary school kids who were taller than me.

I thought to escape the madness I would retreat to my favorite subway hideout, only to come face to face with at least 40 people(meaning kids) waiting in line. They don't have the "rule to subway ordering" down. They paused, they leaned against the glass, they got an attitude with my sandwich lady.

It's like a circus out there. And I am not fond of circuses. Great way to end March, trapped in room.

I have put myself on temporary house arrest though, to clear up the clutter in my academic life. Kbryna commented that I should consider study abroad, journal entries would be filled with my adventures in a far off land. So that is number 2 on things to consider for next year(maybe Scotland). Number 1 being my final decision on which major I should stick with.

I want next year to be 10x better than this year. Trust me this year was surprisingly better than last year. But there is still so much more for me to uncover and figure out. I kind of have to learn what I want so I can go and get it.

Number one on that list is good people in my life, that means cutting some ties. I texted Kay today to tell her that I was okay, and just have been busy with exams and things. She texted me back and mentioned that her, Amy, Jane are hanging out at her place tomorrow to watch movies, and eat pizza(temptation)...I told her I would pass. That I am going to chill out this weekend alone.

Even though I am a loner, I do hate it about 75% of the time. I mean hate going out in public and seeing everyone sitting and eating with their friends, while I go take my food to go, to eat in my room. But with the realization that I want to be Happy, I have slowly gotten myself out of that routine, and am realizing that there is nothing wrong with sitting in the bookstore alone, or going to a movie alone. My mom says "you're not alone, when you go to these places people are in there, so see you're not alone". She tries to turn all my negatives into positives.

So in the past two weeks, I have gone to the bookstore, coffee shop, school event, and hopefully movie club this Monday, alone(remember that I said I was going to movie club alone on Monday because when I try to talk, cause I know I will, myself out of going I want you guys to bust my chops. Force me to go, if you must).

I feel like I have given Kay and everyone the impression that I need her to do things. That without her I would sit in this room all day. So I'm cutting that tie. I don't do things for myself anymore, I'm so concerned with making other people happy, that I have pushed myself in the background. I have let better walk all over me, because I allow it. I allow Kay and Amy and whoever else say things about me because I don't stick up for myself.

I don't claim my independence. And I swear that I on my Starting over list. I thought claim my independence meant claiming it from my mother, but no it involves everyone and aspect of my life.

So saying no to her today was a step in the right direction.No is not a word I use often. So I have to practice that more.

Yesterday as I was on the phone with my mom, my brother yelled "when are you coming home" my mom laughed at first, but then her voice got all sad "I can't wait to you come home, it's not the same in the house"

This is scary for me. I do love my family. But I feel like I'm afraid to go off and travel or move because I know how much it will affect them. I think defining moment will be when I am at the point where I see that I have to start being and doing things to complete me. I have to let go and kind of go "hey, time for me start my life now...Okay now".

They may not like that too much. But I figure if I inject whatever it is that makes my family happy, and the few friends that I do have happy, than why can't I do that for my own life. You know, I'm excited now about what the future holds. I feel like there's going to be some direction. Or at least hot foreign guys in the future.

Oh...And I'm so happy that I am not a high schooler/anything younger than 18. Looking at those scared young faces, I remember how much I hated being that age. As I left subway I smiled at the kids waiting outside, sitting on the floor eating. Not because I was in a pleasant mood, but being an adult, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want, as much I feel like doing it.

I have restrictions except the ones I set for myself. So I'm going to.... Watch some DVD's, with the music as loud as I want, in my lucky frogs socks, and pj bottoms.Oh yeah that's how we 20 year olds roll.