I realized a week ago that I hate finishing things. I am mortified of the end. I once wanted to be a forensic pathologist(before CSI) and then changed my mind because the thought of being around things that had expired was not promising.
I don't know what it is. Why me and the End are in such conflicts with one another. I am so afraid of things ending that I usually leave things open. When I moved, I didn't tell anyone, I simply said "see you next year" and walked home. I made no formal goodbyes, I had no time to tell everyone how much they meant to me.
This effects my everyday life. Near empty jar of Peanut...Not throwing it away. Books that I was suppose to read for English....Get to the middle and then quit. Clean my room...Forget about it. This has taken it's toll, especially for my college life and academics.
This fear of the end has led to me not starting anything. On Wednesday I was getting signs of the NO Man's Land theory all day. My English professor eloquently discussed this in the form of Bigger Thomas in Native Son, I listed the movie No Man's land on my Facebook profile(I've never seen the movie) and then watching TV yesterday there was a mention of it in some show I was watching.
I don't get close to people because I instantly think of the way our relationship will end. We won't call, we will move far away, and I will have to start all over again, just to end up at the end. It's a vicious cycle.
So I have decided to plan the finish line. I am kind of lingering in the middle. I have to realize that the end is inevitable. When I am in these moods, I can always count on a Dead Like Me episode to straighten me out and enlighten me. "Life is a terminal disease" George says and maybe I shouldn't be so scared of things ending, only that they happened at all.
This weekend I am going to plot out my life for the next two years. Not in that insane way, but mainly about school. I have to figure out what I am trying to reach so I can finish it. I have to get out of this stunted place, and realize that I need time to grow and expand as a person.
Or I will forever be enable to finish anything. I will also be left behind, and stuck. Of course me being the most indecisive person ever, this is going to be hard. I want so much that I have a problem pinpointing where to start. But no matter what I have to do that this weekend. Me + Room + College catalogue + Burrito = Plan A, B, C.
In other unrelated news, I talked to that weird boy yesterday for a solid 15 minutes. I think I mentioned him in this journal, we have like 3 classes together, and he will come sit next to me, say two words, and then ignore me. There is like no romantic interest with this one, sorry friends he is not my type. He has a lot of friends though, he makes the rounds making sure to get to know the people in his class. In trying a new approach I tried to realize that he just has that social butterfly personality and not to hold it against him . He calls himself the Ducth Boy( i swear)...well because he is Dutch and really proud of it, so i don't even have to make up a nickname for him.
I don't know why it is so easy to talk to a boy I have no interest in, rather than talk to a boy I do have interest in . If I could use this same approach to boys I like, I may have something going for me.
It's day 3 or 4 of no word from Kay. I feel a little bad that my approach at feeling she is a horrible person is to just ignore her. But I figure it's better than saying something out of frustration. Or even worse having to end something.
It's so weird, I use to be in a million plays when I was younger. The feeling of being on stage is like no other. And there was nothing better than when I finished a play. The curtain closed and were so relieved that we had finished it. So there were a few line screw ups, but it was so awesome to see something come to a close which you had spent so much time to create.
Life will eventually lead us to the final act, and I guess if I stop thinking that it is dreadful I will actually see that's all about getting to the finish line. It's about finishing, and then looking back, seeing what you have done, and moving on to the next race.
3 comments:
Setting yourself Realistic short term goals is perfect.
I think what ya may need to do is instead of reflecting inward, you may need to reflect outward and sit down and think what you mean to not only people close to you, but also to everyone and everything around you.
one reason why it may be so easy to talk to this boy, is that your guard is down, you dont think of him in the realtionship sense, so instantly your guard is down.
Heres something for you to think about:
"The Greater Danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it,but that it is too low and we reach it."
"The strangest secret in the world is that you become what you think about."
It is so much easier to talk to guys you're not interested in. You don't care what they think about you, so you just act freely.
Either way, I think I'm still awkward with guys I'm not interested in — but more so with guys I do like.
And dont feel too horrible about this Kay (I read your previous posts). It appears that she's done worse.
Yeah, I am fine talking to girls I'm not interested in, but terrible with one's I am.
Gah.
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