Morning Yearning

I'm a loner.

The school days me would probably be crushed to hear this. But the me, I have become is some how seeing that it is the one thing I am just going to have to adapt to.

Art boys club was suppose to be today, but there web page hasn't set a date for the movie, and in my quest to not be anyone's secret crush anymore, I wasn't sad that he wasn't having a club meeting.

Kay called asking if I was going to the Amnesty International meeting(S. African guys club) I said that I would tag along, because I guess I really wanted to go. Or really just wanted to be among people. The club was meeting at the local coffee shop on campus, and I figured "here is my chance...To not be that girl watching what is going on around her...But be that person who is in the mix" .

South African boy said hey to me, tapping me on the shoulder and then saying "Boo"(weird) and wondered what I was going to eat(Peanut Butter cookie and Snapple) . Apparently he didn't get the weather report for the next few days, because he was wearing flip flops. I can forgive him, he's cute.

And away we went, all 10 or so. Sitting down, having conversation, even I talked. Even I laughed, and joked, I had a good time. But I kind of always feel like I'm in a crowd and still feel alone. I mean not in that depressed "woe is me" way. But that I always will kind of be guarded and like I am on the outside looking in. And for once I was on the inside, and I looked out. I looked way out.

A lady once came up to me and said "you...Are a old soul". I smiled, and went back to reading. And I liked to think that is why I always feel disconnected. Why I always feel lost. For the 2nd time in the past 2 weeks people have remarked that I always look like I am "ready to go". To where I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating. Like one of those bubbles I use to play with as a child.

When I was kid, I use to go around the corner to my best friends house, and sit on her stoop and blow bubbles. I use to twirl and twirl in a circle, until I had accumulated this rainfall of bubbles that fell on me. Sometimes I feel like those bubbles. That I am just soaring with the wind, I am passing through lightly, in hopes that I won't bust. Or that the snotty nose kid won't decide to catch me and there I would go. BUST.

I always wonder if there was no ground for the bubble to hit, or no other interference that would cause the bubble to bust, how long would it float. And glide through the air. Going where ever the wind decides to take it.

Sitting in that group, in any group really, I get that feeling, of floating far away. I feel disconnected...I feel contained and I want to escape. And I don't know if this feeling will stay with me always, I don't even know if I want to adapt to the life of a loner, cause I don't know what it has in store for me.

But I look around, and see how easy it is for people to just do the things I struggle with. To connect. And even when I feel like I am connecting, I am always just two steps away from floating away.

When everyone left, Kay going upstairs to talk to a friend, S.African boy went to get people to sign a petition, and the rest went off, I walked back to my dorm alone, and I didn't feel so contained anymore. I felt like I was meant for this. To walk among people, even when at the risk of being disconnected from them.

But then how do I balance that with my general need for people. How do I find what I'm looking for in a friend, or a boyfriend, when I'm floating.

I once carried around a notebook with a quote that said "what she dreaded was to be possessed and still excluded." I was in the 9th grade, and thought it was just an interesting quote. If I only knew how much it would pertain to me I wouldn't have thought it was so interesting.

Intimacy vs. Isolation.

Where's a good therapist when you need one.