Taking Risks

That is a view from my window, mid afternoon, while I am trying to take a nap. The kid has the biggest drum set I have ever seen. Add that with the 100 boys sending Lean On Me, and you now have an idea of what I have been going through for the past week. Today the babes from Toyland are gone and all has returned to normal, hopefully.

In other news I talked to my mother on the phone for 2 hours last night. And by last night I mean until 12am. I hadn't talked to her all day due to the hectic week she has had on the job. By Tuesday she was already mumbling, because she was getting up at 1am to go to work, and then crashed as soon as she got home. Talking to her was like talking to Zombie, minus the attempt to eat my brain scenario. But basically it was :

Me: Hey Mom
Mom: [long pause, incoherent words, maybe a hey or two]
Me: Alright I'll talk to you later

She didn't take well to the not talking to me thing, so decided what better time to call one's daughter but at 10:30 pm.

My mom is wanting to buy a house. We live in a townhouse now, which basically is like a pseudo house. After living in apartments the majority of our lives, moving into a townhouse was a huge step up. 6 years later, we have outgrown townhouse living and want to venture into bigger and better things.

Listening to my moms concerns about buying a house and all this stuff, brings up reminders of my own inability to feel secure in decisions I make. I seem to be really good at giving advice to other people. Marie told me it was my advice on "sure he may not be really cute, but he has everything else, and that makes up for it" that led her to snag her Boyfriend. I constantly gave Katherine advice, and while on the phone last night with my mother I reminded her that sometimes taking risks and pushing past the fear is worth the outcome that will arise once you get past being worried.

And then as I lay in bed(the beautiful mess below where I rest my head) I contemplated my problems with taking risks. Here I am telling my mom to take a chance, sure it's scary, sure it's a big leap, but taking risks are apart of life and what could be wrong with trying.

Hypocrite.

I don't remember a time where I have ever really took a risk.
Approaching Art Boy. Nope.
Trying with all my might to make friends and get to know people. Not really.
This whole finishing a screenplay. Still on page 2.

I think I have approached this concept before. But until last night I didn't realize how truly afraid I am.Not taking risks all arises from fear. Fear of failing. Fear of being rejected. Fear of having my worst scenario come true. and maybe even a fear of succeeding. But in doing so, in living in such fear of taking risks I miss out on what could be if I had had more belief in my ability to do something great. To become this stable and secure person I feel I can become.

Walking back from subway today, I realized that taking risks are a pivotal part of life. Because risks are where dreams reside. Risks are potentials. And maybe instead of worrying about all the things that could wrong with taking a chance, maybe I look at the possibility of what could happen if I actually did.

In response to my last entry and concerns that maybe this is as Good As it will get, it is just another way of saying maybe I am too scared for it to get any better. But I can't live in fear forever, some where along the lines this bird is going to have to spread her wings and fly.

Or at least take a risk in knowing that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for.

So...I have decided to minor in English (with a certain guidance from the blog world) and am mapping out at least what I will do academically for the next two years.

and a theme for the screenplay I am diligently working on (which means I at least have a plot) is about risks. More details when I get past character names. I really suck with coming up with names for characters. Suggestions would really help.

Back to lounging on a Saturday afternoon.