Family Ties

My mom doesn't listen to me.

It's pretty annoying.

There is a tumor running through her house and his name is Morgan.

My brother is clearly an idiot, to the nth degree. He's lazy, self centered, arrogant, and not moving in any directions. The whole time i was home for break he laid around the house and did absolutely nothing. It was like watching someone decay right before your eyes. He would wake up, run downstairs, lay on the couch, and watch TV ALL DAY. Of course he could then complain that he had nothing to do. We live too far out of town, the car doesn't work, he doesn't have a job, yadda yadda yadda.

After feeling a little empathetic because my brother has a way of being evil yet making you feel slightly sorry for him , i then remember that the reason we live so far out of town is because he got us kicked out our last place. The reason he can't drive the car is because he's gotten to many tickets which finally caught up with him. He doesn't have a job because 1) he doesn't look for one 2) he can't keep a job.

I am in the right mind frame to counterattack the bundle of excuses, lies, and complete and utter bullshit that my brother throws at us. I am immune to him...the moment i start feeling sorry is the moment i also begin to realize this is my brothers plan, to make me feel sorry so he can end up disappointing me in the end. Supposedly it's suppose to soften the blow. From past experience it doesn't.

My mom on the other hand completely falls for his crap. I am not a mother, so i don't readily understand her total ambivalence to my brother being an idiot. To an extent she sees it, she will call me 8 o'clock in the morning complaining about something else my brother has done to upset her. Like last weekend, while i was studying for the test i bombed she spent 30 minutes yelling about my brother being rude. I didn't even say anything the whole time she was talking, because i had heard it so many times before. Being away from home allows me not to be in the middle of their arguments, so getting a call on a peaceful morning, i felt like i was in high school again.

So today was another episode of "WHAT MORGAN IS DOING WRONG TODAY". Most days i can just ignore what she says and laugh at something on youtube while inserting "yeah, that sucks, WHAT?" into the conversation. But other times i feel like saying something, like critiquing their whole situation and putting another spin on things. I do this for her benefit and mainly so i don't have to listen to this crap every Saturday. I like my Saturdays, they are pleasant, and after a crappy week of failed tests, incompetent teachers, and working with lazy students in the library, i like to relax on my weekends, play the Sims, study, and watch a marathon of Flavor of Love.

So i said something. Perhaps i shouldn't have but i felt i had too. To an extent my mother allows my brother to be a lazy asshole. For someone who pays all the bills, gets him out of jams, and has a permanent key to the house, there is no reason for my brother to be in the house. At any moment she can kick him and his stuff out. I mean nothing is stopping her, nothing would stop me. I am not a fan of tough love, but in this case, it's the only way. She's spent her whole like babying that he is throwing it in her face whenever he can. I'm sorry but he's going to be 23 in may and he still hasn't done anything with his life, and the way things are going, at 24-25-26 he still isn't going to be doing anything, as long as she keeps supporting his...lifestyle of being a lazy son.

I was expecting her to say something. I mean i was seriously sounding like Dr. Phil, except with hair and not husky. But she didn't say anything she did the "yeah, what?, your right, are you watching this home makeover show?" At this point i became a little frustrated and figured out that this whole conversation was over. I'm so mad and i don't even know why. I feel like i am trying to help out, but she just doesn't care. Like what i have to say isn't important, and to an extent i want to say "if you are going to continue supporting him being an asshole, than I'm going to stop listening to you talk badly about him. As much as you are supporting his inactivity, I'm supporting yours."

But instead i said goodbye, and sit pissed in front of my computer.

I did this thing in therapy on wednesday where we drew out my family tree. It wasn't a normal tree though based soley on how many uncles and cousins i have. Instead it was a family tree outling relationships with thing this structured thing called family. And other than the reoccuring theme of substance abuse, there is this idea that i am the mediator between certain members of my family. I am like anchor, holding down the fort, making sure the pieces don't fracture. I make my mom and brother don't completely kill each other, I make sure my brother doesn't completely ignore my father.

I of course i didn't realize this role until it was drawn out in front of me. The lines darting from very important people in my life and me bearing the weight of trying to hold this connections all together. But i don't want to be an anchor anymore, because i literally drowning by everyone's life around me. I can barely breathe because of the sheer weight of such responsibility. How i am ever suppose to find my place, when i am stuck making everyone doesn't fly off the handle without me there to keep them grounded.

And perhaps i am pissed because i realize my role as the anchor making sure everyone around me is safe and sound has held me back. It has stunted me, and a part of me realizes that i can't be that anchor anymore. Not if i want a life.