What a rough day.The last couple of days have been really good. I applied to a job that I am excited about . I am working on a story which I enjoy writing. And I have slept beautifully the last 3 nights. The last one is the best news in weeks. I love my sleep, and when I don't get a good nights rest I feel all out of sorts. Like I'm not myself.
But today Marie said something that put a halt to my optimistic high. I called her on my way to work, like I usually do, just to say hi. She sounded like she wasn't in the mood to talk but I plowed through the stressed conversation anyway, and told her about some positions I was planning on applying to after work.
Though I want a career in production, I do apply to editorial assistant positions from time to time. Only because I now have an editorial internship behind me, and a foot in any door is better than my job at the bookstore. When I mentioned the particular job to her, she got all bitchy on me. Why are you applying to that job? It's not in production. Yadda yadda.
I explained to her that working at a full time job vs. part time is what I really am seeking right now. And as an entry level candidate I just need a foot in the door somewhere.
Bit for some reason, she seemed agitated and then she said this out of nowhere:
Listen, I'm going to say something really mean right now but you got a degree in nothing. Lets be honest. You aren't really qualified to do anything. So yeah i don't care, you need to just start doing something with your life instead of working at the bookstore like you have for the past three years.
Ouch. I'm glad you warned me about the 'mean part'.
She said this.
To.Me.
I am beyond hurt. I feel like I've been hit in the stomach. She makes fun of my degree all the time. She considers my major a concentration people choose because they can't do anything else. But i fucking disagree with her.
I was a biology and psychology major and during my time in those departments and I excelled in the English classes I was taking as a minor more than the ones for my Major. And not because they were easy and lush, but because I was challenged to think outside of the right and wrong answers. I was forced to analyze, and dig, and come up with explanations for things. I fucking rocked at English. Not because all I did was read books and write papers, but because I thought.
So, getting a job has been hard and I will have to forge my own path to reach my destination. But my degree wasn't a waste. My degree isn't just a piece of paper, it's the thing that saved my life.
While she was off having friends, and a boyfriend, and calling me only to tell me about her awesome life... all I had was English. All I had were those moments where i knew that I was taping into something...bigger than myself. I was good. I am good. English or not.
And for her to continually (because this isn't the first time) reduce my degree and subsequently my life to nothing, is unforgivable. Unforgivable.
I quickly got off the phone with her after that comment, and spent the rest of the day feeling raw and exposed. I don't know if anyone else gets like this, but when my feelings are hurt I am reduced to this feeling of ...exposure. Like when you get a cut on your finger, and it stings a lot when the air first hits it. And the reason you run to grab a band-aid is so that the air doesn't hit the exposed skin anymore.
I feel like that. Moments before the band-aid is put on. I am a fresh wound. I ache something awful and it stings. I don't even think she knows how fucking pissed I am. She hasn't called or text to say "hey, what I said earlier may have come out wrong. Sorry". She is probably sitting in her apartment right now with no idea that I seriously have clocked out of our friendship.
And I don't know what to do to FEEL better. I of course had 'the moms' cheer me up with her 'you are a talented, beautiful individual..." speech, but I don't feel any better. I feel in the dumps. I feel low. I feel...betrayed.
I'm beginning to hate my life. Seriously. And at this moment, I hate her.
6 comments:
" I was good. I am good. English or not. "
You've got it right. She has it wrong.
You are a very good writer; I said that the first time I commented here. And I still say it because it's true.
That's all I got : )
I've heard more or less the same kind of thing - without the nastiness - my entire "adult" life. It's evidence of the way most Americans don't value intellectual activity, and instead focus ONLY on extremely utilitarian, money-making activities. It's part of the reason why our country's educational system is so damn broken - we don't value intellectualism, so the people we charge with the task of imparting knowledge and wisdom to children aren't compensated well, are treated like crap, and expected to work miracles on a shoestring for no thanks.
The kind of degree an English major represents used to be the standard education. It's the classic liberal arts education, the kind of education that prepares you to be a thinking, knowledgeable member of your society, NOT just a tool or cog in the capitalist machine. You got a degree in critical thinking, in reading and writing, in evaluating the world around you in a thoughtful, educated way. Your degree makes you, in some ways, OVERqualified for many things, because it makes you question systems, it makes you see patterns and connections where others don't see them - it makes you more than a sheep or robot to be controlled by a Boss.
You have a very rich inner life, in large part because that's who you are, but it was helped along by your (wise) decision to major in English. Most people have very thin or flimsy inner lives, and don't contribute much more than being warm bodies capable of performing a series of assigned tasks.
SO while you may not be making much money NOW, you may not be changing the world YET, you're neither doomed nor destined for failure because of your degree. Once you get some career traction, once you have some more life experience to turn into brilliant stories - then you'll be flying way over the heads of Marie and most people you know. And they'll STILL think you're "just" an English major, that somehow you just got lucky with your success - they won't understand that it's the result of years of thought and study and reading and writing and training to see things in new and different ways.
[End rant. I spend a lot of time thinking about this sort of thing.]
English majors rule. Having been through those lean, stressful years after college, having been poor as shit, having gone into unimagineable debt, having felt hopeless so often.... and yet having gotten through it. Looking back, the only thing I would change is that I would have gotten an English degree from a better college.
English majors tend to do well in life and more than most are better at finding peace and coming to terms with themselves. It's just that those few years after college can be THE worst. Especially while watching others achieve certain forms of success so quickly.
I think one of the main things is to keep an open mind about where you're headed and that where you end up might not resemble that English degree at all. I was miserable the entire time that I worked in publishing and freelanced as a writer/editor. I ended up in a field I never dreamed I would work in, but am so much happier with myself and my life. And I'm confident about whatever direction I take it in next (something I think about a lot).
Bottom line is English majors have a capacity for self-reflection and potential for inner harmony that few people will ever possess. We just bloom a little slower. In the long run, though, we're definitely the winners.
english majors also tend to go on at length in the comments of their friends' blogs ;)
I love you english nerds so much!
Becoming an English major was one of the better things I did with my time in school. Luckily I have the evidence of that on this blog.
I feel like because Marie and I weren't terribly close in school (like we are/were now) she has no idea how much my english degree was a change for the better.
And yeah. It's been rough this last year trying to find my footing in the 'real world', but I will find my place. And when I do, it will be amazing!
Now, I just need to tell her how much her comment affected me. And that if we are to continue being friends, she can never EVER say anything like that to me again. I can't stand for her to stamp on my degree like that. Can't. Won't.
The partial truth hurts.
A major in English is not worth anything when it comes to marketability right out of college. It's not going to give you easy access to a job that pays well. Period.
Neither will history, or philosophy, or music, or art, or any of the great liberal arts majors that make for a life worth living.
Marie, unfortunately, sees life narrowly, through a short-term, materialistic lense. Don't ever forget that the invisible and the intangible are always the real stuff of life.
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