I'm Not Like Them, But I Can Pretend

I went through a weird Nirvana phase when I was in the 11th grade. Who doesn't. I mean it's Nirvana

It's classic girl meets boy story. Except that he had been dead for quite a while. But I still loved him.

I heard, but was not a fan of, Smells Like Teen Spirit when I was a kid. So when I came across a memoir about Kurt at the library I wasn't too sure I wanted to read it. But tragic characters are my favorite. Especially way too sensitive, artistically beautifully ones.

From the first page I was hooked and then spent the next few days reading a very in depth biography on him. At the time I had a car, and would drive all the way to the park to lounge in the backseat with the sun roof opened, reading this book while John Mayer played in the background (before he announced that his penis was a racist and all).

From there, I religiously listened to Nirvana. I soaked up all the songs that I could in the span of a summer. When I returned to school that year I was more depressed than ever, and wore torn jeans whenever I could.

My Nirvana phase lasted for about 6 months (thank god, because a depressed 16 year old is fucking scary). There was something to sad about Kurt. So sad that he made me sad, or worse, severally depressed. But there are days, even now when I play a song by him because the mood reflects mine.

And Dumb (hence the title) is one of my favorite songs by Nirvana. For several reasons.

I closed last night at the bookstore and it was horrible. I had the distinction of closing with the talk fests known as Lexie and Josh. Separately these two are hard to handle. They both talk a lot about nothing in particular but they make it seem so important you can't help but listen, until you realize they have said nothing important.

They are into themselves and their life way more than anyone else, but of course they do not care. Because caring involves listening, and they are too busy talking for that. I'm a different sort of person. I listen a lot more than I talk, but when I do talk I try to be considerate and funny and not too shallow though sometimes I can't help talking about movies. Sue me.

I have been in no mood to listen to people bemoan about their lives recently. I cannot listen to Josh talk about the great novel he is writing (they are ideas. not stories. generic at best). I don't think he understands publishing at all, or that there are a million guys like him but he still has this belief that he will sell a novel that will be turned into a movie which will make him a star! A star I say!

I can't listen to Lexie and her 'problems' that involve the one hand guy who asked her out, or the date she went on with a guy whose last name is Bush (this is a problem apparently), or the crush she has on a regular customer who comes in the store on a regular basis. Or that she is going to India, or that her life is so miserable because it is.

I cannot do it. And yesterday that's all they wanted to do. Josh has mentally penned the next big novel like 50 times (my favorite. FAVORITE, comment from him ever was "I think I have something great here. I mean I have just come up with 3 good names for some characters) , Lexie is not that interesting for all these guys who want to date here. And the moment I didn't give a crap about listening to them it was all "Beckett what's wrong with you. You are not yourself tonight".

It was frustrating and aggravating on so many levels. I don't understand. I know that I am completely honest with myself and with other people. I am initially a very hard person to get to know, but when I am fully present I am as real as real can get. The people I know seem to be either too young (even though they are my age) or want people to perceive them as things they are not. Instead of just being cool, they have to announce their coolness. Just to make sure we all know about it. And yet these people, no matter how fake or flighty or insincere they may be , have lives. And friends. And some days I barely have those two things to my name.

And I wonder if it's easier to pretend. Because maybe that is what everyone is doing anyway, just to belong. And I hate that there are days, like last night, when I can't even do that.

When I first heard the song Dumb by Nirvana, I could have sworn the lyrics were "I'm not like them, but I can't pretend". That 'can't' has been the basis of my existence for the last 8 years. I thought Kurt was being brave when wrote those lyrics. That it was a stance for resistance against the crowd. But a couple of weeks ago, when I googled the lyrics I learned that after all these years, I have been singing the lyrics incorrectly. Because with the removal of "not" in the sentence the lyrics change dramatically and hold a different meaning. Because he actually sings these lyrics with a hint of sadness: I'm not like them, but I can pretend.

Can. Can. How did I miss this. How did I ignore the more accurate meaning behind this song. It's not about how easy it is to be yourself. How simple it is to shrug your shoulders and say "hey I'm not like you, but who gives a fuck". It's about how hard it is to be who you are. It's about wanting to be apart of the crowd, even when deep down inside you know that you aren't. It's about the perils of conformity, because at least with nonconformity you stay true to yourself, even if that means you are alone. But being alone sucks, and crowds have a way of silencing your the insecurities about yourself.

And everyone wants to belong. Even when it crushes your soul. Everyone just wants to be liked. And maybe it's Dumb, but it's a truth so honest that I wouldn't dare question it. And I hate that this song is more beautiful because of it. Despite how sad it makes me, because the lyrics and sentiment behind them are so right.