Feels Like Spring to Me

March, you are so freaking weird. One day, there is a storm brewing so badly outside that it was almost apocalyptic and the next moment the sun is out, the birds are chirping and dare I say 'spring is here'. Seriously march, make up your mind already.

The last few days have been weird. I have gone back and forth between burning bridges here (amongst my coworkers), moving to Australia (and by Australia I mean anywhere besides New York) and applying to jobs I know I have a slim chance of getting (certain big league magazine place) but hey, I'm at least I'm forging ahead. And if all else fails, moving to the outback can't be too bad.

I am seriously getting to the point of 'stressed-out' which could account for my sour mood. I do not regret being a bitch towards Josh and Lexi the night before. I do regret being so affected by it that I couldn't channel my energy anywhere else outside of anger. Because that's what it was. I was, am, angry. Because there daily stress factors are reduced to whether a hot guy gives them attention, or when there next big party will take place. I am jealous of this, because my stress feel so much more profound. I don't know who I am, where I will be in the next few years, or if this persistence of solitude will be a life long (and lonely) venture.

Marie and my mom keep telling me that I need to take a day to myself. But in all honesty I wouldn't even know where to go. I really feel like I need to take a break from myself. Just a whole day, where I don't have to hear the voice in my head reminding me that I need a job so that I can pay rent, and loans, and feed myself.

I think too much. Way too much. I planned on a semi break today with a trip to the library. But I woke up at nine, went back to bed, woke up at 10, went back to bed, saw 10:30, decided against getting up, and then rolled out of bed around 11:20. By then I forgot what I was going to the library for, especially since by my count I have 7 books checked out, 3 dvd rentals, and a book from work that i have yet to read

Tomorrows a new day. It really is. By then, maybe I will want to get out of bed and head into the sun.

I might get some writing done today, fingers crossed. There is this amazing guy at work who is a legit artist. He draws and has had comics published by major graphic novel houses (some of his books are in the store). He is funny, interesting, a little warped guy but damn it all to hell...he's amazing. Yesterday I closed with him, and when we weren't talking about his weird appreciation for Body Odor (the story was actually really charming. He liked a older lady who worked at a sandwich shop. He use to hang around the store to talk to her after work. When she would hug him goodbye, he would smell onion on her. He associates that smell now with her, and for that reason is not opposed to B.O. I made a note of this quirk in my journal during my break.) we spent time checking out some cool art magazines and talking about how lame it is when people dye there hair a weird color to stand out from the crowd (that goes to you, girl with green hair).

Anyway, he introduced me to this sub genre called steampunk last night, and I have been googling away ever since. I am not a huge fan of sci-fi because I am incapable, or unwilling, to allow my mind to suspend the laws of time, physics and science. But this genre is pretty cool. Sci-fi/Victorian, I think? I'm diving head first into this world, and I was going to get a whole bunch of books exploring the themes of steampunk. I need to mix up my writing a bit, branch out, find my voice in other places.

But waking up late kind of fudged up that plan, and now I am going to eat greasy pizza and watch some horror movie produced in 1981. Oh yeah, I am living the life.